Jimmy Carter isn’t the only one with lust in his heart. I receive a handful of e-mails a day from my readers who are either stuck in an emotional affair or have ended one but are still extremely heartsick. How can I let go and move on? they ask me. I researched what the experts say on this topic and pulled from my own battle with obsessive thinking to come up with the following 12 steps to help folks recover from an emotional affair.
1. Distinguish romance from love.
In his book “We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love,” Robert A. Johnson distinguishes human love from romantic love. When we yearn for a forbidden, passionate romance like in “The English Patient” or The Bridges of Madison County, we are often blinded to the beautiful, committed love that is with us in every day life, the “stirring-the-oatmeal” love. Johnson writes:
Stirring oatmeal is a humble act–not exciting or thrilling. But it symbolizes a relatedness that brings love down to earth. It represents a willingness to share ordinary human life, to find meaning in the simple, unromantic tasks: earning a living, living within a budget, putting out the garbage, feeding the baby in the middle of the night.
2. Schedule some obsessing.
As I wrote in my “15 Ways to Stop Obsessing,” sometimes the best treatment for fantasies is to pencil them into your schedule. When you find yourself fantasizing about an intimate moment with the woman who has custody of your heart, don’t yell at yourself, “Snap out of it!” Simply say, “Thought, I appreciate your coming, but I’ve scheduled you for 7 this evening, at which time you can totally distract me if you want.”
3. Be accountable.
This technique is especially effective for Catholics whose first lessons on human morality involved scary confessions. Do I have to tell everything? What if he sends me to hell? Moreover, accountability has always worked for me because, as a stage-four people pleaser, I crave a good report card. So I better make sure I have a few people in my life passing out such reviews: my therapist, my doctor, my mentor Mike, my mom (she can still read my voice like a map, dang it), my twin sister, and my best friend. By giving them the skinny on what’s really going on inside my margin for error decreases ten-fold.
4. Invest in your marriage.
The best way to prevent an affair is to invest in your marriage. And the best way to recover one is to invest in your marriage. It’s a simple physics equation: the energy and time you supply to one relationship has to come from another one. That is, you can’t build and nurture a true partnership if you’re spreading intimacy over too many places.
After a violation of trust–and according to marriage expert Peggy Vaughan an affair is more about breaking trust than having sex–the best reconciler in a marriage are small acts of kindness. Because for most spouses, “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it. Contrition needs to be supported with evidence: backrubs, special dinners, cleaning toilets, a listening ear.
5. Replace it with something.
Whenever I grieve the loss of an important relationship in my life–whether it be a friendship that falls apart or a loved one who passes unexpectedly–I’ve found it helpful to immerse myself in a new project, or new challenge.
6. Stay with the loneliness.
I’m not a big fan of loneliness. Because that aching hole in your heart feels too much like the scary black chasm of depression. But they are different beasts. One can be treated, the other must be felt. Writes Henri Nouwen in “The Inner Voice of Love:”
When you experience the deep pain of loneliness, it is understandable that your thoughts go out to the person who was able to take that loneliness away, if only for a moment. When you feel a huge absence that makes everything look useless, your heart wants only one thing–to be with the person who once was able to dispel these frightful emotions. But it is the absence itself, the emptiness within you, that you have to be willing to experience, not the one who could temporarily take it away.
7. Outsmart the body.
A little biology lesson here. When you are infatuated with someone, your brain chemistry whispers lies into your ears that can have you doing really stupid stuff. The spike in dopamine and norepinephrine produced with heightened sexual tension might tell you that all your troubles would end if you only kissed the handsome guy you just friended on Facebook, or ran off with the barista that makes you a perfect cappuccino. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University, author of “Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love,” explains why emotional affairs feel so good:
Love is a drug. The ventral tegmental area is a clump of cells that make dopamine, a natural stimulant, and sends it out to many brain regions [when one is in love]. …It’s the same region affected when you feel the rush of cocaine.
Thus, identifying the physiological components of infatuation can be a strong ally in fighting the war against infidelity.
8. Treat the addiction.
Categorizing an emotional affair as an addiction is helpful in two ways: First, it depersonalizes the experience, making it easier to let go of, and it also provides some tangible steps a person can take to kick her habit. Addictions induce a trance-like state that allows the addict to detach from the pain, guilt, and shame she feels. She buys into false and empty promises — a flawed sense of intimacy and fulfillment — until reality hits. Hard. And the addict is forever vulnerable to buying into this distorted vision, which is why recovery from emotional affair never ends, and involves one smart decision after another that fosters true intimacy.
9. Surround yourself with friends.
For a person who has just broken off an emotional affair, friends aren’t optional. They are a life-support system. Safe friends are especially important if the relationship you are mourning formed at work, among mutual friends. You’ll need to befriend colleagues who are not connected to him in any way, or hang out with your non-work friends, safe folks, until you feel strong enough to socialize with friends who might talk about or involve him.
10. Think with your new brain.
In his bestselling classic “Getting the Love You Want,” Harville Hendrix distinguishes between our old or “reptilian” brain that is weighted down with unconscious baggage from our pasts and reacts automatically in fear, and our new brain: the “analytical, probing, questioning part of your mind that you think of as being ‘you.'” Harville theroizes that when we get sucked into intense and damaging emotional relationships our old brain is holding the helm. It wants to recreate the pain of our past in order to heal the wounds.
So what we have to do is to squeeze some of the rational and cognitive skills of our newer brain into the old brain before the unguided driver gets us into too much trouble. This means to apply a little logic or to fill in the details of our love story. For example, imagine sharing a bathroom with the Facebook Romeo of yours. Yuck?
11. Write about it.
If you get the feeling your friends are quite over hearing about your emotional affair, try putting your emotions to the page. In a 2003 British Psychological Society study, results indicated that writing about emotions might even speed the healing of physical wounds. If journaling about pain can heal your knee scab, think about what writing might do for your broken heart.
12. Let yourself grieve.
A relationship without sex can be every bit as intense as one involving lingerie. A special connection between two kindred souls needs to be grieved just as a marriage or committed partnership.
In the case of an emotional affair, guilt can impede the grieving process. Since a person feels as though she is wrong to have had these feelings to begin with, she often won’t allow a time of tears and loneliness that are necessary for healing. But just because the relationship happened outside of a committed relationship doesn’t mean the heart isn’t broken and needs to heal. So be as gentle with yourself as you would a friend who just ended a primary relationship.
129 comments
Having just finished my new book,”Beth: Love Along The Way”, due to be released in May, and having to do with several different types of relationships, I really enjoyed your article. I think a romantic relationship, in reality or in book form, in tough economic times, is a most pleasant diversion.
B.G. Sanford
Great article Therese,
I appreciate Robert Johnson and Helen Fisher’s work on love because their info proves true in reality.
To me that is the best argument for a theory because it takes it out of the lab and into life.
Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP
Good advice…I think. Some of this stuff I’ve already put into play, without any particular guidance or direction.
Would have been neat to see how well this entire article could have got me through the last major loss, which is about a decade old now. The wounds are now so closed-over that I don’t know how much value these techniques can have now, but I’m willing to try.
my emotional affair was with another womon who i had been in a prior relationship with for yhree yrs and ended in 1981. when i got in touch with her again, i was shocked to hear that she had been married for 30 years to a man. our recent relationship began in 10/’07 and ended in 5/’08. this kind of thing makes it difficult to apply the techniques sited in this article.
I had an affair with a married man 30 years ago.He was 20 yrs my senior.In the last ten years I returned to the area where i met him with my husband..We see each other around and met…I wanted to end it..I thought he was user but I discovered he had also not let go of the emotional attachment..Now i obsess about him and when i see him around I cant get him out of my head..I feel guilty I know he is in the same boat..It is so confusing and destructive…Iknow I should not have contact but at times I want to..
correction to article. person was married 20 yrs, not 30 years.
I’m lying here in bed wondering what went wrong? How could I be open to this? You talk about love, mourning it even though it wasn’t a proper relationship.Could one fall in love within marriage?should I tell my husband? I never knew it had a name, exept for confusion and hurt, I called it off, I couldn’t leave what I have and I cry every single day,all efforts of saving my marraige is failing terribly.(I now have disasterous thoughts of spiting both of them and having a meaningless flirtation withanybody!no intercourse was ever had, only words, dreams.it’s foolish I know…. I suppose we thrived on memories from school, doesn’t make my heart any lighter though…..hope this 12 step program works
Ps: could my OCD have any influence?
wish any of these techniques worked, but they don’t….I can’t replace the man I love with other things, etc…….something I have to live with; in love with someone who isn’t available…but…unfortunately allows me into his struggle for his feelings for me.
I could use some advice and support here. I am a married woman, who had an emotional affair with someone at work. It can still be intense, even if there is no intercourse. I mean, we never even kissed but he told me twice that if I wasn’t married, we would be married! I’ve been extremely heartsick since he “went away.” It sounds crazy I know, but you really can become emotionally attached to someone! It’s hard, because we work together and I have to see him every weekend. Since December, we have spent a lot of time looking at each other, playing head games I guess you could say. He still talks to me at work, but acts more like just a casual friend now and it HURTS!! I’ve kept my distance, but there have been times where he is looking at me, looking like he is looking for answers, looking like he cares. It’s kind of hard to explain. Just last weekend, I told him that I miss him. It wasn’t planned, just kind of came out. He said he missed me too, and gave me a hug. Then he told me that we should get together sometime, and to e-mail him on facebook. So, I did that on Saturday. It’s now Wednesday, and he hasn’t responded to my e-mail AT ALL!! Somtimes I feel like it’s a should I stay, or should I go type situation with him. I know I should probably go, but I don’t want to!! I know, sounds crazy! This person is 11 years younger than me, is single, and pretty much has been since this whole thing started last fall. My husband doesn’t know about it. I have spent lots of time wondering what went wrong and why. I shouldn’t because I am married, but…This person has got some kind of hold on me it seems. I think about him all of the time, I’ve had trouble sleeping because of this person. It’s crazy!!! This person is drop dead gorgeous, and I absolutely LOVE his personality for a wide variety of reasons. I really wish I never got involved in the first place, but it just felt so good to be in the “relationship.” This is just a really crappy situation to be in.
I am going through the same thing. Completely emotional-never kissed or touched, and I work with him. He was everything I was missing from my fiance..the kindness the romance the EVERYTHING if I could get him out of my mind I would! MY life would be so much less complicated. I do not have to see him every weekend like you but now I have to miss out of work events like our xmas party because he will be there and my fiance knows what went on.
How did it end? It has been several years now… I’m in your shoes. Been married for 15 years to a man that I realized I was never in love with, just infatuation in the beginning. Now that I’ve gotten to know him over the years, I realized we will never be able to connect because of his mental illness. In stepped the unexpected love of my life… It started out that I just wanted to help him, he seemed sad and lonely. .. so I messaged him inviting him to some church activities. We started to get to know each other more and more in the evenings after my husband would pass out from his anti-psych meds. He took away the loneliness , made me smile, and listened to me. We had a 2 year long emotional affair. We actually did have long hugs a few times and kissed a handful of times too. So much guilt… finally, after I told him I couldn’t see how we could ever be together since he hadn’t been making steps towards having a good career, we ended it with “let’s just be friends.†He has seemed like he’s recovered from me. I see photos of him and he has told me that I’ve helped him feel more confident about himself. I can see that it’s true. I can see that we both learned a lot.. i had never heard of a twin flame, but when I did recently, I realized that he is mine. We complement each other in an insane way and I just feel empty without him. We are just friends, really now. We don’t linger in texting or send hearts or touch anymore. It feels so weird for me. Wondering when these feelings are finally going to end.
I can relate to everything Jennifer has written since i am in the same situation.It made me realise how unhappy i am in my marriage and have started seeing a therapist now.I guess since it’s forbidden ,it makes it more attractive
I can completely relate to the above 2 posts, and really appreciated the above article. I am married, and got too close to a co-worker…we worked together for 2 years, and he was my best friend. I recently quit my job, partially because I need to get away. My husband and I are in counseling, and I’ve told the therapist how I feel about my ex-coworker, but my husband doesn’t know the extent of my feelings. The therapist suggests I break off ALL contact, she says it is not possible to remain just “friends” when you have confided too much and gotten too close. Now I’m struggling with putting her advice into practice, and unsure if our marriage is really worth it. But I won’t know unless I try. I never, ever thought I would get into this type of situation, and it is so heartbreaking. I now see the wisdom in keeping boundaries between members of the opposite sex.
Jennifer, I feel your pain and know exactly how you feel. You’re not alone and I have no advice to offer as i’m in the same boat and can’t imagine not having my friend and am married too. We fb too. It’s a mind game so much so a control thing. Don’t worry if he doesn’t respond on your time, he will and if not too bad for him. I’m giving the “wrong”advice but like I said we’re in the same boat so don’t give up hope.
I understand all of this. I have been having one of these relationships with someone who is also married. I will have to say that this is worse mentally than a physical relationship. Well to cut a long story short it all got knocked on the head, which is probably for the best but I wouldn’t wish how I am feeling currently on anyone. It’s rubbish.
Well…I HAVE had an affair. My husband knows about it, but didn’t want to know the persons name. My husband has forgiven me and well, he is a saint. HOWEVER, instead of just cutting the lover off and NOT seeing him any more, I couldn’t. My lover is and was THE best. WORST of all….I have fallen in love with him. You see, I actually married my husband because I refused to be alone any more. NOT because I was inlove with him. It was for comforts sake and to just have someone as a companion. NOW?? I regret marrying for those reasons. I found a man I love COMPLETELY. He is EVERYTHING I have ever dreamed of having in a man. My lover is the greatest in the art of making love. However, yes, there is a however. He and I DO have some difference of opinions. None of those compare to the way he makes me feel. Ok…on with what I need to say. HE now wants to disconnect with me after being lovers for 9 1/2 weeks. It is KILLING me inside!! I feel like I am dieing and I cannot stop thinking of him. I see his face every where I go. I ALL WAYS see his name at every turn. I can’t sleep well. I just catnap. When I wake up, I cry. I cry off and on all day long. People at work are worried about me. This could affect my job and I mean cause me to get fired because I cannot focus. I feel like my heart has totally been demolished. I also feel like I have NO hope left. I just want to die. I will be the first to admit that I am addicted to him. I AM! How can a person NOT be addicted to someone that you find to be your match in every way? I just don’t know what to do. I have tried the above steps, but….it isn’t working. I feel so hopeless and so much in despair. I have even thought of suicide. I don’t see myself doing this because I love my children too much to be that selfish. I am stuck and I feel like I am falling apart bit by bit. I just wished the pain and suffering would go away. *sigh*
Sheena, I’m sure this comes a long time after you commented (perhaps years), but if someone is an amazing lover (every thing you ever dreamed of) and you feel completely addicted to the intensity of the feelings he gave you; but now he wants to break it off after 9 1/2 weeks, it sounds to me that you fell in love with a man who has narcissistic personality disorder: crazy sexual/romantic intensity (that is mistaken for love) followed by being devalued and then discarded painfully. You fell in love with a persona rather than a man’s personality. The man is likely empty on the inside, looking for narcissistic supply that makes him feel alive, then when it starts to get intimate (if you say the cursed words “I love you”), he is turned off because he knows he’s a fraud looking for a fix of admiration and adulation of his sexual superiority. You seem weak and needy to him. He lacks a conscience (empathy + remorse/guilt). Cut yourself off like you were quitting a highly addictive chemical substance. It is hard but you can do it. Look up “breaking up with a narcissist” and you will be able to it. Mind over matter. Do it!
I met someone on craigslist london…i live in the usa. We emailed back and forth and really connected-like I haven’t connected since my first love.
I too married for safety and not for the lust and passion…I have a son.
This guy seemed to say all the right things and I even bought a ticket to fly over and spend the weekend with him.
We were really connected except I am still married but was willing to walk away and my religion.
In the end I freaked out and ended it but then called him and asked him to reconsider but at that point he said no, he loved me, would help me with a divorce etc etc but we were a round hole and square peg because of the religion.
I emailed him a few more times-all the while this was happening I finally told my husband and started therapy-but was fighting my feelings for this guy I had never met in person. Then I went back on craigslist the weekend I was supposed to be meeting him and found an ad that sounded just like him, used a fake email address and it was in fact him.
I was so hurt…I mean, in three weeks he went from love to looking for someone else?
Regardless, I have ocd and anxiety and I was unhappy in my marriage but the grass really isn’t greener-it is just different.
But I have to agree that an emotional affair is way worse then just sex.
But I think I got played…even so it still hurt.
I def. suggest avoiding getting emotionally attached if you are not available…it is not worth it.
Of course mine happened on line so I don’t have to see him though he did accuse me of being bitter and angry and looney-which I am not. I just caught him being the player he is…now I have closure.
He so didn’t deserve me and I am working on my marriage but I do love this article.
I am a man that was involved with a full blown affair with someone I had dated in HS over 30 years ago. We reconnected on Facebook and realized that we still loved each other. I had never stopped loving her. I never gave my heart to my wife of 22 years because this woman always had it. So now the “affair” is over because her husband found out. I confessed this to my wife. She wants a divorce. (I don’t blame her) Now my heart is in shambles… and the woman I love I cannot have. What a fine mess this all is. Don’t think I will ever recover. Don’t think our heart was designed to give away more than once. If I was a drinker…I would be laying in the gutter. So now I live a life of quiet desperation saddled with loneliness… This really sucks.
What is next? Sadness. Regret. Loneliness. I assume my heartbreak will form a scar. A scar that is a reminder and one that will never forget. So begs the question, was it better to have truly loved and lost or to have never experienced passionate love and lived a quiet life with a “roommate” that despises you for the kids sake… Sucks…
So many wounded souls….none of us go looking for this type of love, but when you least expect it, it finds you. We’re all in the same boat, and we are bailing frantically to keep from drowning, are we not? We tend to believe we suffer alone, that no one understands our pain and desperation, when in fact, there are thousands of us caught up in this torment. And once the affair becomes physical: watch out!! How in the world do you walk away from the love of your life? How do you move forward when everything you do, see and hear reminds you of the one you love? Death would be a welcome relief, though I am afraid of how God will deal with me for loving another woman’s husband, for accepting the emotional and physical love he wants to give me. Where do you take all the love you feel for this person?
Man Perspective, I’m right there with you. Just started an affair with a married man I’d dated 20 years ago and never stopped loving. The first month it was a very intensive emotional thing, but now it’s progressed into the real thing. I’ve been married 20 years to someone I was never in love with either, we’re also now like roommates. We (me and new guy) are in love and things are fine now, but I’m already obsessing about seeing him and worrying about the outcome. He knows I’m willing to leave my husband, now I’m stuck waiting for him to decide if he wants to leave his wife. And if he doesn’t, I have to decide whether to stay in my marriage, such as it is. I never thought I’d do this sort of thing. I’m driving myself nuts!
I had been an excellent husband for 29 yrs.
Never once gave into my desires for another woman.
I always kept my distance due to my principles of morality until i met a lady on my job. I spooted her on an interview and it was an instant attraction to her. The only problem was that she was married and so was I. I avoided her like the plague until I had to train her for my old position. I let my gaurd down and began to email her. I then told her that I was attracted to her and we went to lunch 3 times. I was hooked on her and thought about leaving a good relationship for her. but when it came down to it she told me we were only friends. The only physical thing was a brief hug when we met for lunch and i brought her a necklace. Story short I’m glad she was not willing becasue it would have cause a lot of pain. I never thought I would get involved with someone else but i did. The pain is difficult but I know it was the right thing to do. The best thing is not to het into an emotional affair.
It is easy to believe that you have met your soul mate when you have an affair of some kind. This is often not true. Relationships like this are usually about projections, and our own material. The best thing to do is look inward and do nothing. When we do not live with someone day to day, year after year, we can conjure up all kinds of unmet desires and fantasies about who they are and what they mean to us. Careful. These relationships are more about ourselves and things we need to learn about ourselves then anything.
Touché. An emotional affair takes place in a vacuum with the partners only sharing what they choose to share; no day to day drudgery etc.
I have just found out that the man I had a relationship with for 2 and half years was not at all separated from his wife – as always claimed – and never had any intention to divorce her. Out of fear to be by myself again (after a failed previous relationship), I overlooked certain bizarre events and explanations. I was in love with him – I am still in love with him – even if he has caused me so much pain. I am in love with the person I thought he was – not the cheat and lier he actually is – I am left pining for a ghost.
As per previous post – I need to learn to fill that void myself – it is hard.
I am in the same boat as all of you…long emotional affair recently ended. I wasn’t looking for love and WHAM it hit me like a brick…carried on for nine months (all over email and never anything super romantic, just lots of personal information exchange, some emotion and the quantity…900+ emails in 9 months time). It was like a drug, I loved the attn and couldn’t stop eventho I ultimately knew it would get me in trouble, which it did. Not sure what happened, but he wrote me one night saying I had feelings for him, but he had never reciprocated those w/ me, and didn’t want to correspond anymore; asked me to never write him again and remove him from my FB. So, not only is it over…he threw me under the bus, which poured salt in the wounds. (I think his wife found out, though he denies it.) But, I saw his spouse today and she was talking about him…and it made me miss him a lot…a lot. I was thinking how there would have been a day when I would have known all the stuff she was saying, and probably before she did… I just really miss him as that friend and confidante I had. Sigh. Glad to know I am not alone. Love this article. Hang in there, everyone.
OMG I feel like someone just read my mind and went into my head with all these comments. i actually felt the same way, like someone hit me in the head with a BRICK and there he was. my emotional affair went on almost a year. but in the end, i think i was being played big time, and now i am angry, hurt and go from hating him to missing him. i dont understand. i have been married to a great guy for over 30 years. he didnt deserve this at all. so i feel guilt that i could do this to him. now the “other guy” is being a real ass and i am worried he will share my emails and texts to him. so now i am worried, but also angry. i feel stupid that i really believed he was into me. and maybe he was, but probably not as much as i was. plus i am finding out he is evil!! and controlling and wanted to take over my business and my life. it would have been an awful mess if anything went beyond the flirtations and the emails and texts. BUT i did love the laughing and the fun. it is like a drug. but to be honest, i am relieved it is over, and i can go back to my normal safe life with my wonderful husband. my advice, keep it ALL in perspective. but tomorrow, i will be missing him at some point, and then angry again, then missing the laughter, then pissed off…and on a
I met an amazing man..online. We started as friends. He was struggling with his marrage ..I am divorced. It became so much more..and I felt my walls crumbling as he gently talked and responded. We have tried four times to break it off.. He is seeing a counselor that advised him to let me go..try and work on the marraige and if it does not work..find me. Good advice to be sure. Two days ago she found his phone and read everything he and I had been texting..not a proud moment for me to be sure..today I told him good bye..I can not be the other woman..I can not be waiting in the wings..hiding lying and hoping. It was like a slap in the back of the head to relalize I had become the OW. A painful day to be sure. I am aching and missing him already. I know that I did the right thing but to get over this..I dont believe I ever will …totally. Today I am riding on hurt and anger…tom ..I dont know..emotions are so fickle. What I am doing is not dwelling on what I will miss..but making a list of what I wont be missing..at this poing there are 25..I was surprised. Firt on is WAITING WAITING WAITING..
One quick side note..we were intending to meet..discussed the there would be no intimacy..we will not be doing that …he said he would come and find me..if the marraige fails..in January..hmm..He is really a good man..and I know that this was never something he sought..love is a very potent and damaging emotion.
I have been at the end of both having a spouse have an emotional affair and then going through one myself as a result of his actions. When my spouse had one, I felt rejected. It came out of nowhere and I was left in shambles. I comforted myself by talking to some individuals and one in particular befriended me and was my sounding board. He is single, and I am still married, but we do have a connection. We will probably never meet, but he does make me think, because really your marriage can never go back to the way it was when someone has any type of affair on you. I have tried counseling (both by myself and with my husband), but I always have that voice in the back of my head saying that he will do it again, so don’t get close, because you don’t want to feel that pain and heartbreak. With an emotional affair with someone that is distant from you, well it doesn’t seem real, so I really don’t feel that I can get hurt, but I enjoy our talks, emails, and IMs, so I continue on. Sometimes I feel it is for revenge, but other times I feel it is my wake up call. The man that I conversate with has many other women he chats with, so I don’t feel that pressure that I have to give my heart to him. With my husband, he had my heart and my faithfulness, but now I don’t feel the same. I love him, but I don’t trust him and trust is one of the foundations of a relationship. Maybe someone else has a similar story to mine. If so, I completely understand….it can be a two way street.
I feel all of your pain. It is like a drug. It is difficult to get over because it is like no other relationship I have ever had. Is there are website to help others by sharing experiences? Unless you have done something like this, it is difficult to understand. I have come a long way, and I would love to help anyone that wants to talk…..
Did you find the website you mentioned? Your post is a couple of years old, so how are you getting on now?
I can’t believe that there’s so many people with the same problem like me, I too can’t believe at first that I’m falling in love with this guy, I’ve known him for so long n never really paid attention to him at first cause he’s just not my type, he’s my workmate but different department, our relationship had been going on for almost 3months I think but now it’s over, he called it off, he said it has to be stopped cause he can’t stop thinking about me when he’s home with his fam, we’re both married n I knpw his wife, we’re both got involved because I feel the same as he is, our mate has treated us badly, so we sort of connected and then it became love, I never loved anyone the way I loved him, n now I feel like I want to die, it hurts so much to know that he’s in the same building but he won’t see me cause he said he will fall for me again, I know that he still love me like I do but we can’t be together because it’s so wrong, but why is it so beautiful at first, my husband doesn’t know about this at all, but be told his wife about us, of course she freaks out and confront me on the phone, I’ve apologised to her n she said she has forgive me cause he said to her that I have reminded him many times to stop but he wuldnt
Sorry you are all in so much pain. Imagine the pain you’ve helped inflict, though, like the pain I’ve been in since I found out my husband has been having a text/call affair for 2+ years, with a woman I know (but had no idea he was keeping in touch with), whom he dated briefly before we were married (10 years ago). I found the cell phone on the bed after he fell asleep. Now 6 weeks later, I’m still reeling and on antidepressants and antianxiety meds, and frankly I don’t give one GD if she’s in pain (I’d like to see her snap her femur in a nasty accident, actually) — she shouldn’t have been going back and forth with a married man IN THE FIRST PLACE, and they both should have cut it off as soon as they realized I wouldn’t be happy if I saw/heard their messages. So now he wants me and our marriage back, and he cut it off with her on the phone in front of me. He’s my husband full force again and then some. But I don’t know if I will ever really believe him about anything–all during those 2+ years he told me he loved me, and that we were great, and that he was so lucky (so don’t think your Honey isn’t doing the same thing–you’re likely a rush for him/her). But I’ll be a basket case, in love with husband whom I don’t trust, with two little kids. Hooray, expensive counseling starts this week; I can’t think of anything I’d rather spend my time or money on.
Heartbroken Affair Partners, go get a hobby, and stay away from married people, period. In the mean time, go get a copy of “Not Just Friends” by Shirly Glass, and get yourself some counseling to figure out how to hook up with eligible individuals. (I met my husband’s affair partner when she was dating a different married man–see a trend?) Those recommendations are the only compassionate things I can offer.
I really hope things got better for you. I’m sorry to read of what you’ve been through.
I don’t know about your husband – but in my case my EA was my fault alone. Not my husband’s (he did nothing different to how he had in 15 years), not the other man who I don’t think realises how strongly I feel about him (he was unwise in chatting online to a married lady that’s all).
It’s all my fault – I am in control of my own destiny, I need to ‘get a grip’ – I WILL end this.
Just found out my husband was in what he’s calling an emotional affair for the past 6 months with a woman who knew he was married to me. Yep, knew he was married and didnt care. She sent pornographic pics of herself and her body and sextes. He wants to save our marriage now and yesterday I said I would forgive him. But tonight I cannot get images and dreams out of my head of the two of them doing “everything but actual sex” to each other and those awful photos. We are supposed to celebrate our 21st anniversary together in a few days and yes we have entered marriage counseling starting next week. I am not sure I am going to be able to make it through this. Your post felt like my life right now. One day at a time though right?
My husband and I have been married for 30 years in what I would have described a very happy and secure marriage. I never took it for granted and always kept the lines of communication open. Even though I never said it aloud I deep down felt he would NEVER become so attracted to someone that he would take steps to get closer to her. Well much to my surprise he did with a coworker ( single, tall, blond, implants, the works!) I totally understood the attraction and fantasy part( which I feel is healthy as long as it stays in the head and doent interfere with other relationships) but this woman would lean on him for emotional support and advice on a relationship that went bad. She would tell him things such as what a great guy he is and wishes she could meet someone like him. Well- it got to his head enough where he would go out with her and other female coworkers after work to vent. He never ever went out with coworkers before she came along and he has been at this job for 25+ years! I agree with the statement that marriages should be considered sacred and not interfered with except by a professional therapist if there is a problem with the marriage. I now realize my husband is like so many other men who take their marriages for granted and am also having a difficult time trusting him. I wish he had realized how inappropriate their relationship was on his own but I had to be the one to tell him that it was inappropriate. I feel very disrespected by him and am still having a difficult time getting over it. Of course I’m leaving many details out but I have no sympathy for anyone who is married in an EA bc I had opportunities and always thought of my husband first and made a point of taking those wonderful endorphins that I received and shared them with my husband where they belonged.
Husband of 25 yrs has had emotional affair for past two years with friend from high school. we all went to high school together and she caused trouble even back then. thought we were happy. discovered txt message, name was fake name in phone. he cut it off, I heard what he told her. I’ve done my homework and been to dr to be sure I’m ok. he says nothing sexual, just lunches, txts and phone calls. I have researched txt and phone logs and credit card bills and know that there was entirely too much contact and consider it cheating. He’s sorry, says he’s had no more contact and if she contacts him, he will call me immedately.
my question – will I ever get over this?? i love my husband and am trying. it’s been 6 months and I still feel nauseated when i think of them meeting and talking. and I want details of the conversations too. he’s not sharing. if he loves her, i deserve to know and I will move on. have told him if he sees/contacts her again, it’s over. no second chance.
any advice?
Well I never had even cheated on a boyfriend.. My husband and I have been together 9 years, and married 5. We have had a very emotional rollercoaster marriage. My husband never has got over his fathers death, and masked it with heavy drinking. Well in July he got sick with pancreatitis was in the hospital for 2 weeks. The doctors believe it was cause from the heavy drinking. Then shortly after that I noticed him changing. Very distant emotionally unavailable.I was just minding my own buisness on facebook one day, and my im goes off it was a old friend from highschool. Telling me that I was still so beautiful, and wanted to see how I was.. Well that turned into a 5 week everyday talking, texting, and I even saw him affair. We did share a kiss and it seemed at the time like it was the best ever. He told me everything I wanted and needed to hear. He even told me he loved me. I was whisked away in this fantasy land. He was single and lonely, and I was lonely and unhappy. He made me feel things I had not felt in a very long time. Well the day cam where my husband asked me if there was someone else, and I told him. He was crushed I cant believe I hurt him so bad. Not to mention we have 2 small children. Well was that ever a eye opener for him. Now he is the most emotionally available he has ever been. I know I made the right decision by telling him and working it out, but now I am still thinking of this other man. It has only ben 5 days since we last spoke, and it wasnt good. I was crying and he was telling me that I should go work it out with my husband, and he was going to work things out with an ex. I thought to myself how could you? Why do you get to just walk away, and go on with your life. He said as much as it killed him he could not be the reason for breaking up my family. Well thats really nice of you I thought meanwhile I am hurting, my husband is hurting now we have to try to pick up the pieces of our lives and try to move on.I am very bitter towards this guy now. To think he just gets to go on and not worry. I am not blaming him for what happened I am just as much to blame for what happened. Now my husband goes through all these emotions everyday, and I have to be there and tell him I am not going anywhere. I just cant believe I ever did this. Now to top things off I feel like I just broke up with a boyfriend, and try to get over that. As well as work on my marriage, and get through this very hard time in my life. If I have any advice for anyone it is to no matter how much your spouse does not hear you keep telling them maybe take a break, but never involve someone else it is the worst for everyone. Because the grass is never greener on the other side maybe more excitig.
You are not alone. Your story is similar to mine. i met my first love here in face book. My husband also has a drinking problem because of his childhood and he cover up with his heavy drinking. we also have two children like yours. It was very painful and difficult for me to cut him off. I did not realize that I am having an emotional affair. But to my first love he told me that we are not doing anything wrong because we are just friends and he told me that he is only guiding me to my struggle but I realized it now that in the first place i should not be confiding all of my marital problems in the first place. The connection bond was really strong and it is so addictive. I was able to overcome it by letting my husband know that we have to restore our relationship with God and do some marriage counseling. I really pray to God and ask the guidance of the Holy spirit to guide me to the truth. The peace come upon me when my husband told me that he realize all his mistake and that he wanted to accept Jesus into his heart because he wanted to allow God almighty to restore our love and renewed our vows to become follower of Jesus. Again by surrendering all to God Almighty all your struggles and pain…God will do the rest….At this point of time….we will continue to go to church to hear the words of God and will have a marriage counseling…and continue to pray that God will guide us to a happy and everlasting love together…May you find peace and happiness with the words of God….
Well today marks 1 week that I have had no contact with my EA partner. It marks two weeks since we basically began the process of breaking it off. Every minute is hard and the urge to contact him is great. I am working on hard on not giving in because I love my husband and I want it to work. I am also fighting the temptation because I love the other man too much to break up his family either. The crazy part is I was happily married and so was he for the most part. We simply reconnected after 15 years of no contact. He was a high school boyfriend of mine and even back then we had nothing in common. That was the initial attraction when I was a kid and I believe to a large degree that was the attraction this time areound as well. I was born with all the advantages in the world and he lived in a trailer. I do think we really and truly loved each other back then and the way it ended really always left a big question mark in my mind. We did not break up because we didn’t love each other. We broke up because I went off to an ivy league college and he went to work driving a truck. The day we broke up is the last day we ever saw each other. We never ran into each other again. And therefroe had no real closure. He was the only guy I have ever dated taht I did not run into again after the break up at some point! Fast forward 15 years and low and behold he appears on my FB. We instantly reconnected as if no time had passed. For the past 4 months we have e-mailed and phoned thousands of times! We never did see each other… although it was discussed. As I was in the process of breaking it off his wife discovered my e-mail address (at this point my husband already knew.) So she sent me an e-mail desperate to know what was going on and did not want to be living in the dark. (She knew that I was his first love many years ago.) I told her some of the basics but I downplayed the truth to a large extent. I made it seem more like a friendship than it was. I guess I was trying to protect him. She pointedly asked how long it had been going on and I never explicitly answered that question. (This e-mail was a week ago) Now I am feeling like I should tell her more of the truth about the nature of our relationship and when it started because my husband knows all the details. And because if I was in her shoes I would want the answers. ( I highly doubt he will divulge much of the truth to her..) But then a part of me says that I need to just leave it be and that what happens now is between them and is not my business. What do you think? I need some advice!!!
Emotional affairs can be messy and very trying for all parties involved. Having gone through it myself, seven years into my marriage, I was able to get through it and look back at how it started and how it stopped. Now, nearly eight years later, my marriage is still going strong and I’m hoping to help other people recognize when they’re falling into that same trap.
Here’s an article sharing what I’ve learned on the subject:
http://hubpages.com/hub/Having-an-Emotional-Affair
Hi there.I had an on n off affair with my high school love. I had to end it back then because my family did not accept him as he lived in an area that wasn’t “acceptable” enough for them. Nwayz he called me when I was in the lowest points of my physically abusive marriage. Its like he came to save me. We insatntly clicked and sparks flew.It was about nine months in when my husband found out and beat the hell out of me. I am currently separated from my husband but not divorced. He on the other hand told his wife about me when she had confronted him. They were “back” together for a short time when she discovered a letter that he had written to his folks about the way he felt about me. She left and now more then anything I’m experiencing guilt for causing this separation not forgetting dealing with a broken heart as he has fallen off the face of the Earth. I’m still hoping he will get back with her and have ended contact with him but I have however asked him to let me know if they are back together just so that I can have the peace of knowing that he can experience the joys of fatherhood with his daughter. We don’t ever think that we are capable of having an affair. It is no justification but if only others can walk in our shoes to know what drives us to do it! I hope I can hang in there before I do something stupid.
I just ended (for the last time) a long distance emotional affair that I’ve had with a man for over 5 years. I feel like my heart is going to break. I am married to a wonderful man but there has always been something (in my mind) that has been missing. That missing link was my long distance guy. We met online and have shared so many things with each other or as much as you can share with someone that’s 350 miles away. We both know that any feelings either of us have for the other can never be physically acted upon but we’ve just grown so attached to one another, or I have to him. He is in a loveless marriage but like all the rest, has kids and will never change his situation. I, frankly I don’t want him to. I’ve known for sometime that I was not his only “special” girl and until now, I guess I was able to compartmentalize our relationship and tell myself that I loved him so much that it didn’t matter who else he was with as long as he spent time with me. But, with the upcoming year, I am very much ready to rid myself of all the unneccessary stresses this relationship has caused me. So, yesterday, I did it. I’ve attempted to end our relationship in times past, but I always get those moments of weakness and go right back into the same situation with him. I felt really good, or as good as I can expect to about my goodbye, but it hurts my heart so bad. I have prayed. I have sought advise and comfort from my closest friends and I hope in time that the pain will diminish and I will feel happy again. It’s like i’m in this neverending dark sadness, that I can’t share with my family or my husband. I have choosen to not divulge my relationship to my husband or my family because of the obvious pain it will cause them. I just endure my pain privately, put on a happy face in front of my loved ones and grieve when I’m alone. I just want all of this to be over.
Wow u have been so brave
good for u
I however have same problem n so attached it’s incredible
I think he will end it soon n I am so scared
I feel weepy all the time n keep looking at his pictures
all I can say is I admire u
keep it up n there’s lots more of us than u think
I find that MOST of the posts from the affair partners here are so selfish..Why did ANY of you marry in the first place? To say that your marriages were for security, after looking at them through the lens of an affair, is just ridiculous!! All marriages go through tough patches, and the ONLY way to avoid any of this is through open, honest communication. So often times, the spouse who gets involved in an affair is a coward, pure and simple. And instead of thinking merely of your own longing for the affair partner (whose morals are questionable, to say the least)–why don’t you just sit and stew a bit of the complete DEVASTATION you have created for your husband or wife..The betrayal created by an affair leaves one questioning everything they believed is god and honorable about relationships, not to mention their own sanity. I am one year removed from the devastation of my husband’s almost 2-yr. affair, and we are just recently healing. I had to believe this would never happen again, and also recognize that my wonderful, upstanding man actually did this to us. I have moved into acceptance, but am also believing more in myself and what I demand from a husband, more than ever..So I guess that is the one silver lining. A smart person should NEVER let their morals disintegrate top such an extent, but just saying that “It happens all the time” is not an excuse….
I understand that you feel making an excuse for an affair is the selfish way out. Yet, sometimes a spouse can work on their marriage, pray for their marriage, pour all of their time and effort into making the marriage better and still nothing changes. Sometimes after years of counseling and marriage retreats, the other spouse simply does not see a problem with the relationship. Sometimes the other spouse will NOT communicate with the spouse that is trying to save the marriage. So when that sweet talking old flame makes his move on the hurting, unloved spouse, she is too tired and too weak to fight for her marriage or herself at that time. I just think you need feel the other side of the story. No, I am not condoning an affair. I know it hurts all involved and takes so much work to heal from them. I have been on both sides of an affair. I tried for over 13 years to love my husband and never thought of being unfaithful to him, even though he had been unfaithful to me several times. Yet everyone has their own “breaking point”.
If you’ve had an emotional affair and are feeling suicidal. Go for it, you’ll make the world a better place for your spouse and children. They’ll get over death easier than divorce.
You’re feelings of worthlessness are true.
Your remark is horrible you sound like a scorned person
life. hard and some time EA help a far better choice then drugs or depression
through in multiple deaths in you family , job loss alcholism
a EA doesn’t sound so bad .. You just have to be brave to end it and know what it is
You know life is often ironical. Today you might be cursing those who you believe hurt you, tomorrow you’ll wake up to hear the same curse towards you and you can’t help wondering: how can this happen to me??? Don’t swear to anybody that certain things you won’t do or will do forever. “I love you for everyâ€? Without GOD’s involvement in your marriage it’s just a joke. Truly when you have that much anger towards others, or yourself, first that means you don’t understand human nature (others and you yourself), second you don’t have empathy (if you are cursing others) or you overestimated yourself in the past (if you’re cursing yourself), third you don’t understand at all that your true happiness never really comes from another human being.
If I sound judgmental, that’s towards the action, not to the person. I have deep sympathy towards anyone who has tremendous anger for whatever reason. Because I know you are hurt, very deeply hurt.
Marriage is nothing more than a contract if there is no unconditional love from both side. Tell me you love your partner unconditionally. But be reminded that being devoted and “selfless” by putting everyone else ahead of yourself doesn’t mean you love others unconditionally. It is simply that you haven’t recognized yet as a human being you also have needs and you don’t really have too much more energy and love to give compared to others. If you’ve been always the obviously selfish one, then you’re never really entitled to be loved by your partner. So, breaching a contract is terrible, but let’s be honest, it is surely understandable and actually it should be EXPECTED. Hurt is inevitable among human beings. Either you hurt others, or you are hurt.
Admit that neither you nor your partner can resist the temptation when the temptation is strong enough. You are blessed if nothing has happened. But don’t be so SHOCKED if one day you find yourself cheating or being cheated. DECNENT people such as you can cheat! People all have weak moments, due to all kinds of reasons. Also recognize that when there’s cheating, no matter who cheats on whom, neither of you can truly forgive or forget, which is a must for the marriage to truly recover. However human beings are not capable of repairing broken hearts or restoring lost trust. Or maybe even worse, one or both of you don’t even really want to work on your marriage, because you don’t understand the relation between LOVE and MARRIAGE, and so not sure what exactly you want.
There have been poems, songs and stories about TRUE LOVE. There has been a lot of teaching about fidelity and commitment in marriage. But if you don’t know GOD personally, you never see the true color of LOVE. If you don’t know what true love looks like, how can you love others that way? If you can’t love others with ever-lasting love passionately, how can you ask others or yourself to keep their or your own oath? That oath will simply kill you inside one day when you see yourself or the other fail it.
So seek help from GOD, pray to be forgiven and to forgive. Get love and energy from HIM, HIM ONLY; ask HIM to save you, your spouse, your lover and your lover’s spouse from all the pain, hatred and confusion. GOD works in a way that you can’t imagine. But you have to believe HIM to see the miracle.
I don’t have the time to write down my own story at this time. And my own story hasn’t completely finished yet. But life is a journey. It’s for us to experience, to learn, not to control. I just know that no matter what happens, GOD is always there for me. HE sees me fall, but he’ll always take me home, since HE is our FATHER who won’t give HIS children up. Of course I pray every day that HE doesn’t give me up no matter how bad I am and I’ll try to be obedient…
This is one of the best articles I have read on how to survive an emotional affair.
Such positive methods are mentioned here that I was compelled to leave a response. I particularly like the like “friends are like a life-support system” So true those friends who help you get though are indeed the support that is needed at such an emotional time.
Thanks again for sharing … Jaz
It is a mazing how far we have come from what the word”Love” actually means. More often times then not we are “lusting” not actually “in love” The bible has a beautiful amazing way of sharing what “Love” actual is. When you dig deep & you actually desire to know what it means. You will be so glad you did. My husband had numerous affairs in our marriage. Finally I broke down & decided it was my turn to have an affair on him. Only mine lasted 6 months with a good friend of his. The difference was when my husband cheated it was random girls he met at bars. Mine was good friend of both of ours. Mine was emotional. I was lacking things in a marriage i thought I ought to have. In getting to know God & how he created us to think, feel, & love I am now able to forgive my husband & truly love him the way God created me too. If you would ask anyone, this marriage should have ended based upon both of or infidelities. It has not & believe it or not we are thriving so much! I could not have done it without really know the difference between lust & love. Love is actually spelled WORK! I take resposibility for my part & he does his. I hope that you all will be able to find your peace & to come to a deeper love with your spouse. Nothing is accomplished well without blood, sweat or tears.
Shalom
What a wonderful response! Seriously, everyone sins and there is not one that will be judge any more highly than another. They are all sins.
I hope and pray that God will lead me to the place where you are…and that my husband is there as well.
It is 5 AM in the morning and once again I can’t sleep. My EA ended a little over 2 weeks ago when his wife found out.
I am devestated. My heart is broken. I am ashamed and confused and angry and incredibly sad.
Mine was my first love. He came back into my life last summer. I was in a loveless marriage of 20 years which had been bad for over a decade. I knew this, but also knew that I had so many other blessings in my life — 2 wonderful children, an amazing step daughter, a great job, wonderful friends, loving extended family, my health and on and on — that who was I to complain about the fact that my marriage hadn’t turned out as I had hoped. I chose to focus on my blessings and ignore the things I could not change.
He was in a similar, yet different, situation. I now believe he still felt love for his wife, she just didn’t show it back. His oldest daughter told him she didn’t think her mother loved him. Later when he tried to discuss relationships with her she said she had never seen what true love looked like.
I should have expected this. While my marriage had been on autopilot for years, theirs had been a constant rollar coaster.
To make a long story short, his wife found out about me and the things he said to me (he gave her the password to the email account he had been using — over 3000 emails in 6 months sharing our most intimate thoughts and feelings — not sexual thank goodness). He then cut off all contact with me. His last email was sad and mean and judgmental and unforgiving.
Even though he thinks the whole thing was evil and a test from God that he failed, I see it very differently.
For my husband — God woke him up. Because this pulled me out of my numbness, I began to push and he is now becoming the father he should have been all these years. He has now started going to church again. He realizes all the damage he has done and is sorry for it. He will never be the same man.
For my friend — God woke him up. He pushed him and his wife to the brink. My hope is this will make them realize how much they mean to each other and fix the problems in their marriage so he can have the life he always dreamed of.
For me — God woke me up. He made me remember what it was like to be in love. He made me see what true compainonship and partnership looks like. He lit a fire under me that I need to make some changes in my life in order to have the life I’m supposed to lead.
I don’t believe my marriage will survive. This affair didn’t cause the problems. The problems in my marriage left the door open for this affair to happen. Unfortunatly those problems are so deep and have taken their toll for so many years I believe it is past repair.
But at least I now know what I’m looking for. That is is possible.
A few people who have been the spouses of those who have had EA have posted here calling those of us involved selfish.
I’ll own that. I was selfish. He was selfish. But for us, at least in our specific circumstances, this selfishness came after many many years of being selfless and always putting everyone else first. That is what got us into this mess. We had both given everything else away for so long that our own glasses were empty and desperatly needed someone to fill them again.
What I hope we all learn is to not wait so long to tell those in our lives, our real lives, what it is we need.
Just knowing how many people this has happened to, knowing there are others who understand the extreme heartbreak … makes it all easier.
But I wish I had known before I let myself go there. I would never have sought this forum out before this happened. No one was out there warning me of the signs.
What I feel I need to do now is share my story.
Teach my daughters and others … before they get married, before they make commitments … to be sure they know what they are signing up for, to be sure they know how to ask for what they need, and to be sure they are with someone who is willing to listen to that.
Thank you for sharing from your heart. Yours words ring true!
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds very much like mine. I’m beginning to feel much better now although its only been 6 days since my breakup. I don’t and I wont regret this EA although I do know it was wrong. I do believe all things happen for a reason and people come in and maybe out of your life for a reason. I got to experience a great passion love that I don’t think I will ever experience again and for that I’m grateful. I too believe this will open an door to communicate and to teach the younger women to know exactly what they want and need before they get married and not to settle for nothing less then the real, true, passionate love.
I wish it had been a normal relationship so it could have been a normal break-up… you know,screaming, name calling, and overall loathing. But as with the above posts, it was just a matter of head over heart, duty over passion. He was single, I was not. It was the longest goodbye ever and I had to grieve in private. I grieve still. I don’t know if I will ever stop grieving for the loss of emotional companionship. And of course, the cheater is seen as having no right to grieve because he/she was the wrong-doer, the evil one who hurt others. So I felt like I had no right to feel loss.
It really is like a brick out of the blue. You feel that loneliness, that quiet desperation for years, and you just trudge through it, putting on the happy face, giving and giving, performing your duties. And then love plows you over and turns everything upside down, and you wonder how something that feels so wonderful could be so dirty and shameful and keeping it a secret tears you up in side, but if you let it out, it will make the house of cards fall.
Really the EA was more about myself, and my search for the security and support I’ve never found in relationships because I never opened myself up to it. I never believed I was worthy to be cherished, apparently. My therapist said I like to mother things, and that’s why I attract selfish people into my life. That’s why I attracted an aloof and self-centered husband. I don’t know if the other person in my EA was what I was actually looking for, but I miss what he signified. I miss that unconditional love and lavish acceptance that he seemed to radiate towards me. I felt like he believed in me and would support me through anything. That type of connection made me feel whole.
But these steps in this article are very good… I’ve been doing some of them, even before I read it. I just wish I understood why this spiritual connection felt so deep, what it signified completely. I have trouble believing that it was entirely me projecting. Sometimes it made me wonder if past lives were real, and I had known him before and we had unresolved issues we had not worked out together in past lives. Such a crazy experience will leave you grasping for answers from crazy places.
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. It helps to know we aren’t alone (what maybe drove us to our EAs to begin with).
Incredible! Thank you for sharing so honestly and plainly. I am fairly certain that I will never stop grieving my EA (which is also physical)and your story reads just like mine. I am making a conscious decision to end it as he, too, is single and I am not. Everything seems so unfair but I can’t hurt others that I love to figure out my own mess. Just tell me…does it get easier with time?
Blimey!! just going through one of these relationships and wondered whats been going on? how do you love someone without ever making love or even kissing them, strange thing is i do first it was swapping secrets, then came the meetings ours was easy becuase our interests are the same so it didnt seem unusual to be seen together then came the xmas party and how do you really feel chat, followed by the shall we try txt sex which was so much fun and the i fell in love!!! poems gifts the full package i went head over heels with this woman. We are both married so Six weeks down the line we deceided its time to stop and go back to being just good friends but in reality i know this cant work so i have to let her go and i dont want to, all i see is her face my inbox flashing message recieved and the long deep chats, nd thats gonna stop and i am truly sad about the prospect of losing her!
Well a week down the line and all i can say is i failed this person meens too much to me to just let go! So now i am happy again my EA seems really relaxed about things and i know i have been living a double life but its was the only way. i want this woman and cant bear to throw away a love so deep being apart is more painful than being together so looks like i need to be honest to my wife and tell her that i am going to leave. the plan is that i will live alone and just see what happens if my EA has the same depth of feeling for me i am sure we will work things out. I cannot bear the feelings of betrayal towards my wife so i need to free her from me i am a very selfish man who is self centered i lie, cheat and i always go after what makes me feel good and now i am doing it again . only difference this time is the woman i love knows all the bad about me as well as the good so she accepts me for the man that i really am and at last i can be a whole person.
I fell in love with my brother inlaw after my husband died. I didn’t realize it was happening. He & I were always friends. I always loved him & was so proud of him. On top of it he is 12 years younger. I watched him grow up, he spent alot of time with my husband & I. He was my husband’s best friend. When my husband died I was devastated & my broinlaw was by side through all the funeral arrangements. Daily we texted each other. It started as the sweetest friendship I had ever known. He was so supportive. He was having trouble in his marriage, he confided in me. We became each others shelter to the storm of our grief & his marital problems. Then it started getting more emotionally charges. Alot of sweet things said, “you are my solemate” “you will never lose me” compliments, very loving & affectionate. I knew I was falling in love. I could not let him go. Then when I was at an emotional all time low during the holidays, it started with the sexting. It scared me, but, it was such an escape from my pain. Then I think it got out of control, I started resenting his wife. I wanted more. He did not want to lose his family. He tried to gently tell me to stop texting & email, it was causing him trouble at work & in his marriage. I was out of control. I have sent him an email which basically denies any feeling he may have had for me (this was to appease his wife, so not to cause him grief in his marriage). I believe he loved me & always did since he was a boy, as his big sis. Things got out of hand. We were drowing in grief & all we had to keep afloat. I know I have to let him go, but now I feel angry. I dearly loved my husband, in a way I transfered that love to broinlaw. Now I have to face losing him & his family (my neices & nephew which I’m close to) & ruin our family bond. My heart is broken & I can barely function. He won’t replay to my text so I sent some mean text messages to him & his wife. I think out of anger for the whole situtation & also to burn the bridge. I’m not sure that was a goof idea, just hurtfull. I just want to move past it all. I will dearly miss him & his family. I have mourned my husband’s death for 11 months, my mother’s death 6 months & no to lose my broinlaw is devasting. The loneliness is unbearable. Can someone help me?
oh boy I know how all of you feel. I am married and so is the person I had an emotional affair with. I feel guilty for even having these feelings, I am heartbroken and will never know if I can have happiness, And I did confess to my husband and he forgives me but I really don’t want to be married to him anymore. I do not think I will ever be able to love him like I should, So what to do? Have no one? Maybe I should!
This is my life. My wife knows, her husband knows. We can sometimes break for a few weeks and once even for 2 month but eventually one of us can no longer deal with the pain and seeks out the other for comfort. My wife is my room mate and best friend and has done everything she can to help me. I love her very much but for the past 20 years of our 30 year marriage my true heart has belonged to my EA. Distance and commitment will for ever keep us apart but our souls will forever be joined.
20yrs ago I had a fling with this guy who just stole my heart… He was my first. Things did not work out for us and we both moved on. I am married and with my husband now for 18yrs. My “fling” from 20yrs ago and I have been emailing for the last 11yrs. Over the past 2yrs our conversations have been really intense. Over all we have become very close friends. I met him about a month ago and we sat and talked for about an hour. He held my hand tight the whole time and when it was time to say our goodbyes he leaned over and kissed me on my lips. We hugged each other tight for about a good minute and when he released me we just stared into each others eyes and he said to me “remember I LOVE you” he then wiped his tears from his eyes as we walked away from one another. Don’t know what happened but since then he has been distant. He is in a relationship but not married. My husband is amazing we have a GREAT marriage but it hurts because half my heart is with my past. I am having a really hard time letting go of my past and don’t know what to do. I miss our daily emails and do not know what to do to move on. My husband and I met up with him one day and instead of us at least saying “hello” to one another he bumped into me on purpose and said “whoops”… I felt really bad how we treated each other so I emailed him and told him. His response was that “he did not know how to act with my husband being around” then he went on to say he did not want drama and I am married and with my husband??? so I told him we were friends so what was he trying to say he then said to me not to read more into it??? Just so confusing… I need some advise from someone who has been there. Thank you so much…
Your post is two years old, but your experience is so similar to mine that I wanted to find out what has happened since 2010. Like mine, your story isn’t dramatic like some, and I also notice you mentioned that your husband is great – why has this happened to us? Why did we feel the need to have contact with past loves?
I’d really appreciate your perspective on this.
20yrs ago I had a fling with this guy who just stole my heart… He was my first. Things did not work out for us and we both moved on. I am married and with my husband now for 18yrs. My “fling†from 20yrs ago and I have been emailing for the last 11yrs. Over the past 2yrs our conversations have been really intense. Over all we have become very close friends. I met him about a month ago and we sat and talked for about an hour. He held my hand tight the whole time and when it was time to say our goodbyes he leaned over and kissed me on my lips. We hugged each other tight for about a good minute and when he released me we just stared into each others eyes and he said to me “remember I LOVE you†he then wiped his tears from his eyes as we walked away from one another. Don’t know what happened but since then he has been distant. He is in a relationship but not married. My husband is amazing we have a GREAT marriage but it hurts because half my heart is with my past. I am having a really hard time letting go of my past and don’t know what to do. I miss our daily emails and do not know what to do to move on. My husband and I met up with him one day and instead of us at least saying “hello†to one another he bumped into me on purpose and said “whoopsâ€â€¦ I felt really bad how we treated each other so I emailed him and told him. His response was that “he did not know how to act with my husband being around†then he went on to say he did not want drama and I am married and with my husband??? so I told him we were friends so what was he trying to say he then said to me not to read more into it??? Just so confusing… I need some advise from someone who has been there. Thank you so much…
I have been dealing with the same issues with a co-worker and both of us are married, I hope these steps will help me as I can already relate to a few of them, so hopefully I’m on the right track, however I am still doubting my marriage will continue bc I can’t tell my husband and I feel like I have fallen out of love with him and don’t know what to do to get those feelings back from him and if I want to continue the marriage.
my question is to sam…who posted on Feb. 19th & 26th…How are things now? I see it’s been a while since you last wrote…have you confessed to your wife? Did you leave? And what does your EA say about how you are reacting now? If you left and are now feeling lonely, I wonder if it’s really what I want…whether giving up on a marriage where I will always feel like a “roommate” is worth giving up the passionate love that I’ve constantly been in search for.
I am 55 y/o man. Been married 31 years. I worked for 2.5 years wirh 32 y/o girl at work. We worked great together. As friends we talked about anything. She facebook friended me a year ago at 3:30am. We both left our jobs within a week of eachother. She texted and facbooked me many times a day. My wife and I met her and her boyfriend for dinner around the end of December. I told her boyfriend to take good care of my friend as I care about her and do not want her to get hurt. She has bad luck with men. He did not like what I said. Ky friend call me a few days later thanking me for saying that and had told he boyfriend if he does not like us hanging out that it is his problem. She dumped him a week later and started dating her BFF’s ex without telling her. This new boyfriend made my friend break off all contact with me. I then got the following text 3 months ago…
Sorry Dennis having some personal problems just trying to get through them
Sorry Dennis having some personal problems just trying to get through them
And I really suck at expressing myself sometimes
My worst quality
Hope all is well
Trying to get out of th office right now
She tried to kiss me once and also told men she want to find a guy like me several times.
I feel better now 2 months later. I just got a major health issue that may not let my face muscles work right anymore and asked a couple of mutual friends let her know about it. She has not called me yet? Maybe never?
An emotional affair is easily much uglier to get out of than a physical affair because while the latter can be dismissed as a meaningless slip up, the former is associated with romance and even love.
And there seems to be no pattern. Both men and women do it and it happens to newlyweds and couples married 20 years or more.