Sometimes a therapist just isn’t that into you. After all, a psychotherapy relationship isn’t just about teaching cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques, or analyzing dreams. It’s about a human connection between two people — one person in need, and the other person who is there to act as a wise guide, teacher, and supporter through a process of change.
Most therapists are pretty good at what they do. But even a good therapist may not always be the right fit for you. It’s similar to when you interview for a job where you feel like your resume is a perfect fit for the company, yet you don’t get the job. Perhaps the interview didn’t go as well as you thought, because the employer isn’t just looking for the best candidate — they’re looking for the person who will be the best fit for the team at the company.
Therapists aren’t always self-aware enough to acknowledge that sometimes they may see a client who isn’t the best fit for them (and bad therapists will never acknowledge such a thing). Hey, they’re human and sometimes they miss their own signs.
So here are five sure signs that it may be time to dump your therapist, and find one where the fit is better.
1. They don’t remember key facts about you or your life.
The average therapist has a caseload that can be anywhere between 25 to 45 patients each week (yes, some therapists often schedule more patients than they have time, since inevitably a few will cancel or reschedule). But no matter how many clients a psychotherapist has, they should not be forgetting key details about you or your life.
This includes the basics (are you married? have children? go to school or work full-time?), as well as other important things (a traumatic event you’ve already told them about; an upcoming event or situation that’s causing you stress or anxiety). That’s ostensibly one of the reasons a therapist writes a progress note after the session. But if the therapist needs to scribble a few notes during the therapy session, that’s fine too. As long as they use those notes to remember who you are and what you’re there for the following week.
2. They take sides (triangulate) in couple’s therapy.
Couple’s therapists are trained to do to counseling with two people at the same time. Usually it’s to work on communication skills — helping each person learn to really listen and hear what their partner is saying, as well as to open up and share one’s own feelings and thoughts in a non-judgmental environment. A good couple’s therapist will work hard to mirror things being said and ensure each side is really hearing the other — the emotional, nonverbal content as well as the message.
Therapists who do marital or couple’s counseling shouldn’t ever get in the middle of an argument or fight between a couple. They should, in effect, never take sides or work to triangulate the relationship. This is Couple’s Therapy 101. A couple’s therapist who does this with you should be dumped faster than a hot potato.
3. They look at the clock more often than they look at you.
As I noted two years ago, clock watching is not only an annoying habit, it’s a sign of a therapist who is more interested in how much they have to go with you than what you’re saying. Sure, therapists have to keep track of the time and glancing once or twice at the clock as the session is getting near the end is not uncommon.
The therapist who is looking at the clock 5 minutes after you’ve started session however is sending a clear signal — you’re boring them. This is not a good fit for either therapist or client.
4. They regularly start their sessions with you late, but end them on time.
Most psychotherapists see their patients for 50 minutes (not an hour, see rant below). If that’s the agreement between you and the therapist at the start of therapy, that should be something you hold them to as therapy progresses. If you notice your therapist is showing up later and later for each appointment (first 2 minutes late, then 5 minutes late, then 7 minutes late), that’s a clear nonverbal message. Especially if they expect to end the session on-time (since their next appointment is also waiting).
A good therapist will stick to their schedule. Sure, they may be running late one week here or there, but you shouldn’t be penalized for their scheduling snafus. Professionals expect this from one another, and so clients should expect it from their therapist.
As an aside, I don’t know who came up with the phrase “the 50 minute hour,” but it’s about as nonsensical as the “low calorie, great tasting dessert.” An hour has 60 minutes. Not 50. Not 45. Not 40. Therapists should stop talking to people about the 50 minute hour. No other profession pads its time in this way to explain the other 10 minutes is devoted to “paperwork” for the patient.
5. They suggest you meet outside of therapy for social reasons.
While there are situations where meeting outside of the psychotherapy session is warranted — such as offering to help with a legal situation, court date, or even a hospital visit — they should all be directly related to your life or treatment. Any situation that suggests primarily a social component — that is, the therapist just wants to see you and talk to you (or engage in some sort of liaison) — is verboten.
Professional therapists do not meet their clients for coffee or a drink after work, because therapists aren’t your friends. It is a professional relationship that often has a strong emotional component. This emotional component can lead to a therapist acting in inappropriate ways that are both unethical and inappropriate.
6. They suggest touching or taking off your clothes is a part of treatment.
You’d think I was kidding about this last one, but sadly, I’m not. Every year, psychotherapists lose their license for acting inappropriately in session, including for inappropriate touching (usually involving sexual behavior) and disrobing. These are not components of legitimate, recognized psychotherapy techniques.
If your psychotherapy suggests one of these things, not only should you dump them, you should also seriously consider filing a complaint with their state’s licensing board. Psychotherapy primarily involves talking, and virtually nothing else. There are some notable exceptions, for instance, for children, play therapy is a recognized treatment, and when practicing relaxation exercises, you may be asked to close your eyes and focus on imagery or your breathing.
But taking off your clothes or having a psychotherapist touch you is generally not a recognized form of psychotherapy.
What signs have you noticed that it was time to dump your therapist?
Share them below!
99 comments
I have had several bad encounters – actually change “several” to “every single therapist I’ve ever had”.
I got depression when I was around 15. I went to the school therapist who just looked as if she was bored, I’d tell her of my suicidal thoughts and feelings and she basically just discussed it like it was nothing with a “ah okay” or “why?” and no other comment or just move on.
I stopped seeing her and went to a real psychologist who turned out to be the biggest bitch ever. She frequently hated on Catholicism (my mother is Catholic), spoke about her job and how appealing it is, suggested that I had bipolar, anxiety and depression and wanted to put me on drugs which I didn’t think I needed, and didn’t cause I am okay most of the time. The final straw was she said my father was emotionally abusing me (he wasn’t and isn’t) and that I should tell him, but didn’t give me techniques to combat something in case he acted violently (which he didn’t).
My parents then suggested a psychiatrist, who while being a lot better, didn’t actually see me in my worst downs and merely brushed off my depression as “oh she was never depressed, she just had angst.”
Finally I went to a counsellor to help me with my extreme fear of spiders but she was like “ah you’ll be fine” and dismissed all my odd behaviour (scanning rooms when I walk in them, thoroughly inspecting the shower) as normal, and gave me no techniques on how to deal with them.
Furthermore a lot of them told my parents information that was extremely private, and I didn’t want to share. Also my parents like to know EVERYTHING I said but that’s a different issue.
I still think I have chronic depression but I gave up on therapy a long time ago, I’ve never had a good therapist, and don’t think I ever will.
Seven Red Flags On the First Appointment
1) Therapist is running late on the first appointment
2) I call the phone number on her website. It is for her husband, not her…HIPAA, do I leave a message with this stranger?
3) She tells her business associate to tell me that she is running late. He hands me paperwork, without any eye contact, and tells me that she wants me to fill them out. It is the appointment time and she is nowhere to be found.
4) I leave the office and can see from the balcony that she is exiting her car, with her cell phone to her ear.
5) She passes me at the back entrance, and does not acknowledge me, a new person in her very people-quiet hallway in the early morning.
6) I turn around and speak her name, and when she half looks (with her ear to the cellphone, the other person on the line), I tell her that I cannot make the appointment, because I don’t do business that way (punctuality expresses professionalism, courtesy and credibility), that it’s an unfair way to do business (her time was more important than mine) . She is by that time over five minutes late, not ending the phone call, walking up the stairs and down the long hallway, still not settled in her office, ready and mentally prepared for a new client.
7) She later leaves a message on my phone saying that she always tells clients that she generally gets to the office around 8:05, generally. We set the appointment up for 8:05am, with no talk about a general time to begin and end. I clearly would have remembered that. Her message was a manipulation of fact, to suggest that I was the one in error not her. That’s what hurt the worst.
By the time she got settled into her office and finished with her phone call, it would have been significantly off of our start time. Am I supposed to just absorb that every time? This was my first meeting, my first impression. If she was practicing her expertise, would she have come late and make me wait, sending me such a clear, nonverbal message (you are not important)?
I think therapists need to be aware of the power they carry in our society, and not misuse it. I am a very aware consumer, and read red flags very clearly. I did a very healthy thing today to leave her office, and to speak my mind to her.
my wife and l are separated,she is seeing a psychiatrist every other week for her meds, two psychologist, one she says for her chronic pain,she is a female psychologist, my wife see her every other week. The other psychologist is a black male, on a 5 star rating, he is below national average, trust being the least. She started out seeing him every other week,then once a week,now anywhere from 5-8 time a month. It is suppose to be family group, I have never been, she was taking the kids, yet, leaving them in the lobby unattended while she sees him by herself. Now she sees him by herself, leaves the kids with her parents. Shes very vulnerable, has gone a time or two past closing. he sends his receptionist home lock the door! I tell my friends, I think it’s sexual as well as other things. They tell me not to be to quick to accuse!She my wife, and I have noticed extreme changes in her sinse shes been going to him! HELP!
Is it advisable to have a therapist that is providing individual therapy for me and my wife also a good therapist to provide couple or marriage therapy? I feel there might be a tendency for the therapist to triangulate in favor of the spouse that the therapist feels needs separation or divorce, based upon their individual therapy sessions in order to address the individuals needs, rather than the marriage as a whole. I feel there might be therapy conflict when same therapist treats you as an individual and then morphs into a couples therapist.
hello,
I’m a 25 year old girl. in my first session with a psychiatrist toward the end of the session i started crying and he touched my temples(the sides of my forehead) and massaged it for a couple of seconds. it made me very uncomfortable. and in my country huging or kissing people u don’t know(ofcource of the opposite sex)is not very common. how worried should i be of his intentions?
Run and don’t look back. Highly inappropriate.
I should have known . The writing was on the walls. It really wasn’t necessary to go back. But I really tried not to read into this: If you don’t do your homework you will leave me impotent. Hmmm. Tough to be a therapist. More comments as time went on. Weird and more weird. Yep. The writing was on the wall. I want my moneyback!!!!!
The fool got paid, and then I felt kinda the fool for going back.
I’m in weekly therapy with my grown daughter . On a few visits the therapist asked ” did you do something ” to earn that kind of feedback? I confronted her with her comments about the possibility of maybe me doing something to cause the reaction I have gotten from not just my daughter but family members. Is this normal for a therapist to say ? She seems to want to stand her ground with that notion.
I asked my therapist after about 14 months how we were doing. She said: “swimmingly”. Then several weeks later, I asked what is this called…what we are doing here? I had no idea if I was in cognitive, psychotherapy, analysis…or what! She said: “I’ll run the therapy, not you.” Once every 3 or 4 sessions, she’d yawn while I was speaking. These experiences made me feel manipulated, boring and foolish. i’ll never go to therapy again.
The therapist I was seeing was recommended by a friend. I was pleased to hear his practice accepted our insurance and he is a “preferred provider.” He made insightful comments and I felt our sessions were beneficial. Three issues I decided to no longer put up with were, his consistantly starting about 10 minutes late, sipping drinks or soup during sessions, and not following through on my requests to see a statement of services. I requested the latter three times and was assured I would receive one. Three month have passed and I have not seen a bill for co-pay or anything else. We received a statement from our insurance company so I know what they paid out. How important is it for a therapist to ask for a health/family history when starting with a client? The person I was seeing did not ask for those. In the end the trust factor tipped the scales. If I ask for something (statement)and repeatedly am told it’s on the way,
but it never shows, I lose faith in that person.
On my 14th session my therapist said” I have seen you now 4 times (he was serious) What on earth was going on here. Would like to hear comments. I talked to him next session, how unheard I felt, ect.
he did not comment on it and he did not see how this affected me. How could somebody be this far off.
I would like to hear your opinion because I am still not done with this.
I have seen several therapits over the years and just started seeing a new one. The new one has recently been asking me to change times, and calls at the last minute to tell me about the change needed. Of course, I cannot make it at the time which they have available so we schedule for the next week. My hunch is that after several sessions the therapist is not interested in my situation and wants me to find someone else. Any suggestions or thoughts?
I know this post is old, but I feel it is still relevant. I read in the comments that someone else named Godsclaws said that a therapist doesn’t know what you’re feeling. Well, my therapist was in the Vietnam war, and I feel that he knows PTSD better than most therapists. Not all therapist are there just because of money. Some therapists decide to into the profession of psychology, because they want to make a difference, and help others based on their own experiences. My therapist doesn’t believe in pharmaceutical drugs, because they are synthetic, and have chemicals in them. He has said that every drug on the market has an equivelant in nature. His wife is an herbalist, so he has learned all the herbs that are equivelant to synthetic drugs to help with depression. I refuse to go on psyche meds, and I am much more comfortable with an herbal equivelant. Psyche meds often have many bad side effects from the chemicals used in manufacturing the drug. So, I’d rather reduce my chemical intake, and avoid causing more problems than I’m solving.
My husband has been going to a therapist for 4 weeks each session is 50 mins and he was going for ptsd and bipolar. The last two sessions he has come back full of resent for me and all he says is how is therepist thinks im more of a care giver then a wife she also pointed that I raise legitamate concerns for being his patient advocate. I remember after the first session he had come out talking to me how the therapist had opened up about her poly relationship which I think its weird that she would bring that up. She never calls to tell him about appointments always texts which I find a bit on the unprofessional. By the third sessions I began noticing that he has become more angrier and aggressive towards his mother and myself and his therapist at the third session also told him to do the research on poly relationships because she feels he is poly. I don’t understand why this woman is so concerned about our relationship since the first session and she has not given him a plan or anything. I recently reached out to her via her facebook asking her what is going on and wondering why my husband has become angrier and more aggressive towards me and his mom and she then blocked me instead of responding to me and at the last session she told my husband that I had messaged her and that I called her unprofessional and she told him that had to block me. This therapist since day one has questioned him too much about our relationship including his sex life which i find odd and now my husband is angry at me and told me that his therapist is trying to help
him but I feel that she is so concerned more about his relationship then the main issues she has also not talked to hik about treatment. I do not know what to do I feel she is ruining a healthy relationship of 7 years we used to never fight or treat each other with any kind of disrespect. Since his last session he feels morr anxious and has been locked in the bathroom trying to avoid everything. I feel deep in my heart that the therapist is not helping him and If anybody has any suggestions please let me know.
Uh, yeah, kick her out of both your lives!
I am concerned about a therapist I have been seeing for 7 weeks. In one session, she started talking about her rape trauma. In another session, she talked about how she had to wait 24 hours before she could confront her friends over a disturbing situation. In that same session she said that she has to remind herself to breathe during a client’s session because of what she is hearing. In the last session, I told her that I was angry and sad over the abuse that I had experienced growing up. She said that I needed to accept my fate. Her dog is in her office during sessions. Any thoughts about this situation would be appreciated.
It sounds like she’s trying to get YOU to be HER therapist! Or her friend. Either way, she does not sound professional and if she’s not helping you, I would personally try to find another therapist.
Oh my goodness, my therapist a year ago was ALWAYS late–AND the “50 minute” hour is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of! She constantly was 15 minutes late for my sessions, then end of course “on time”. Then when I complained to her she told me in so many words that some of her clients pay full price while I’m paying a reduced rate and I should be grateful for whatever time she gives me (she didn’t say this exactly, but that was the message). So I fired her. But now my son died a month ago and I just don’t have the energy to try to find another therapist that is a “good fit”. Anyway, this is a good article–I’m glad to see that I’m not alone with this!
I’m a cognitive behavioral therapist and wanted to reply to the discontent over what a “therapeutic hour” actually is. In all honesty I agree that 60 minutes should indicate an hour in any context. However, working for a hospital in an outpatient clinic I can say that 45-50 minutes is exactly what is expected by managed care to do a session and complete documentation. It is related to billing codes and sessions over 52 minutes are billed as “extended” sessions and most insurance companies will not continue to reimburse sessions over 52 minutes without significant documentation of crisis or need. Please understand when your therapist says they have a 45 minute therapy hour it is not to short-change you, it is generally a insurance or practice policy they follow. A cognitive behavioral therapy session is not intended to be more than 45 minutes including wrap up so the idea of 60 minute sessions is actually quite rare in most practices.
I just wanted to clear that up and state that while I’d be happy to see patients longer, it generally isn’t longer than 50 minutes for the above reasons which I explain to patients at the start of therapy.
8/15/17
I would like to reiterate and support the statements regarding the 50 minute hour. To be brief, I too attempt to provide a full 60 minutes to every client I work with. To do so I often need to write my notes while with my client. I prefer not to do this as I believe my clients are best served by giving them my full attention, not my computer or note pad. However, what I want to to and what the insurance companies dictate are very different. The insurance companies require billing by the time allotted for the client. The one code that allows for more then 50 minutes requires approval by the insurance company prior to the service. Many insurance companies are beginning to exclude and deny anything over 45 minutes. As healthcare is trending, in the near future it’s highly probable you will be receiving a 35 to 40 minute session if you want to use your insurance. If you want a full therapeutic hour, 50 minutes or more, you will likely be paying full fee yourself.
I have a social worker who comes every week to my home and is late to most appointments and then rushes off for her next appointment, only having spent 45 minutes with me as her client! Also, she cancelled an appointment for a medical reason (which is understandable)and then also cancelled the following 2 week’s appointments. Now I don’t know if I should just dump her or wait for the appointment that’s supposed to be scheduled in 3 weeks. I’d like to hear her story about why she cancelled but can’t be sure that she’s not just playing a game of cat and mouse and isn’t interested in me being her client anymore after having done so for more than a year’s time (she only started coming to my home for 8 months, the rest of the time was in the office where she no longer works)!
I have a therapist who is good but I don’t feel I have made any progress. He is aware of my attachment issues and repeatedly fails to respond to my emails concerning changes to the appointments. Like the article says – there is no way I expect 24/7 treatment, I would never even feel comfortable emailing him if something was seriously wrong, but this is basic administrative stuff. I often get charged for the sessions I have tried to cancel or change to a different date because he simply has not responded. Not only does it make me not trust his appreciation of my problems but I think this is unprofessional behaviour in any sort of profession.
I agree with everything but the 50 minute hour. I am a therapist. Where I work, a one hour therapy session is usually never a full hour. We use Medicaid billing codes. So the 1 hour billing code is between 53 min to 60 min. The 45 min billing code is from 38 min to 52 min. The 30 min billing code is from 16 min to 37 min. My sessions are usually 53 min long. I have a few min for paperwork or to use restroom. However, it is the therapist responsibility to inform you of the length of sessions. I can honestly say that I never really run right on time. Someone requested a new therapist because I was a like 10-15 min late. My clients get to work before me. My boss did say much but kind of gave me a warning.
My very first fell asleep during my therapy session!
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