Lots of people experience depression, while others just have bad days or just are feeling down on themselves. No matter why they’re depressed, sad, or unmotivated to do much of anything, one thing is certain — it’s a tough feeling to experience. Depression is isolating — like you’re all alone in it, and that it will never end.
As a friend or partner of someone who’s experiencing that depression or feeling blue, what can you do to help? After all, there’s a lot of advice telling you what not to say to a depressed person and things that most people don’t want to hear when they’re feeling down.
We crowd-sourced the following list by querying our Facebook friends about what they’d like to hear when they’re feeling down, blue, or depressed. Here are a few of their very, very good suggestions.
1. You’re right, this sucks.
The generalization is that men are problem solvers, and women are listeners. People who are depressed don’t want problem solvers — they’ve usually run through all the scenarios and solutions in their head already. They just can’t do it.
What they’re looking for instead is simple acknowledgement and empathy.
2. You don’t walk this path alone. I’m here if you need me.
When a person is depressed, one of the feelings many people experience is an overwhelming sense of loneliness — that no one can understand what they’re going through. They are all alone.
A reminder from a friend or loved one that, indeed, they’re not alone and they are loved can be invaluable. It also reminds them of the reality — that people in their life do love them and are there for them if they need them.
3. I believe in you… You’re awesome!
Sometimes a person has given up hope that they’ll amount to anything in life. They’ve lost all belief in themselves, and feel like nothing they do is right or good enough. Their self-esteem is, in a word, shot.
That’s why it can be helpful to reaffirm that you believe in them. You believe in their ability to once again experience hope, to be the person you once were — or even more. That they are still an awesome person, if even if they’re not feeling that way at the moment.
4. How can I help? What can I do for you?
One part of the way many people experience depression is that they have little motivation to do things that need to get done. Offer your support and direct assistance in getting something done for them. It might be picking up a prescription, a few groceries from the store, or simply getting the mail. Offer this help only if you’re willing to do what is asked of you.
5. I’m here if you want to talk (walk, go shopping, get a bit to eat, etc.).
This is more of a direct suggestion, choosing something that you know the friend or loved one is going to be interested in doing. Maybe they just want to talk (and need you to simply listen). Maybe they need a nudge to get up, get changed, and go out and just do something — anything. You can be that person to help them get moving.
6. I know it’s hard to see this right now, but it’s only temporary… Things will change. You won’t feel this way forever. Look to that day.
When a person’s depressed, sometimes they lose all perspective. Depression can feel like an endless black hole in which there’s no way to climb out of. Saying something along these lines reminds them that all of our emotions and moods are not permanent, even if they feel like they are.
Previously: 10 Things You Should Say to Someone with Depression
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37 comments
#6 – No. It sounds far too much like a platitude if coming from someone who has never gone through it, and can leave the other person feeling like their condition is dismissed.
I agree with (the other!) Kevin that perhaps #6 should not be used at all. It’s often incredibly difficult for someone going through depression to see how their life can change for the better, and saying that could make things worse. However, #2 is one of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard. It shows that you accept the other person in a nonjudgmental way. They might not be looking for your advice, but your support will always be appreciated.
#4 is likely to be met with “nothing” or “I don’t know,” so try to offer something specific. Say “Let me help you with your laundry,” or “I’m making chili for dinner, I’ll bring you over some,” or “let me give you a hug.” You’ll probably get some pushback, but believe me, deep inside the depressed person is grateful.
Also on #5 the key is to be specific, or to plan something for you and the depressed person to do. If you wait for the depressed person to say “let’s go get a coffee” or “could you come over for a while, I need someone to talk to,” you could be waiting a long time, because depressed people usually don’t want to go anywhere, see anyone or do anything. I know, because I have been there.
The people who helped me the most when I was at my worst depression were the ones who came over and brought me dinner, or helped me with chores, or said “we’re going to a concert on Friday, I’ll pick you up at 6,” and made sure it happened, sometimes over my strenuous objections. One friend hired me to feed and walk her dogs while she was out of town for business. It was hard to make myself go over there every day, but I did need the money (I was out of work at the time) and I knew the dogs would make a mess if they didn’t get out, so I went, and usually felt better afterward. My friend had been depressed, too and knew that getting out of my house, being outside and playing with the dogs would be good for me. I’m still very grateful for that.
How will i approach a friend if she already said that you don’t know what i’m going through. I mean i want to help her but i dont know how.
Good list except for number 6. It would sound like you’re not taking the person’s suffering seriously. I would find it really painful.
Instead – and only if you’ve If you’ve personally walked the misery of major depressive disorder – you might say “….when I was depressed, it felt like it would never ever end, but things did get better. I truly believe that in time you will get better too, and I’m with you the whole way.”
Ugh, no way on #6!! That’s like telling a person on fire that the fire is only temporary–it’ll go out eventually.
I completely agree that #6 dismisses the person with depression. When I was suffering from depression, people sometimes said “oh, it’ll just get better.” That was one of the most lustful things they could have said. It was dismissive and inappropriate.
#5 by being specific is the key. I’m mildly depressed at the moment due to some stressors plus loss of good friendships due to those people becoming difficult to make arrangements with (ie the we must get together but won’t commit to an arrangement or date). On the few occasions I’ve opened up about difficulties in my life I’ve had there’s been an interruption and person has never gotten back to me later on saying you were sharing some pretty personal stuff when we got interrupted would you like to chat about it more over a coffee or lunch at a time we won’t be interrupted.
So for me #4 I’d just think “yeah and would they actually deliver if I did ask for something”. And I’d feel pretty scared about opening up. But saying something like “How about we get together (name specific dates/times). It could either be dinner/coffee if you’d like to talk or if you want to do something to get your mind off things we could do X activity and if you wish coffee afterwards” Then I would feel that they meant it. It would take the onus off me in having to initiate the arrangement and risk being fobbed off.
Also like the directive I’m picking you up at 6pm Friday night approach. However that takes a lot of confidence and certainty about the friendship but worth dropping in unannounced with a suggestion I take you out locally for a coffee, drink, activity they like or bring tea, coffee, milk and a cake.
As a depressed teen and early twenty something I found it difficult to leave the house due to anxiety about my appearance and being in social situations. However I enjoyed long walks and knew the exercise was doing me good. Being specific in offers of help or support as well as offering someone an excuse to be outside especially for hikes or other activities that might take their mind off their worries is great. I actually think the biggest help would be supporting someone in speaking to a doctor or counsellor as the fear of being judged or mocked (which I was by the receptionist) was a big barrier for me. I didn’t know what help was available. Listening well without problem solving is really key. CBT even on a self-led basis was very helpful.
Your article is complete bs, people who are depressed and i mean really depressed would rather die then talked to someone about their problems. everyone has problems in this hell hole so conveying your problems to another just adds your stress onto them which could cause them to get depressed. I have been on every type of pill for depression since i was 12. Nothing works. I have attempted to take my life once and figured it was a too easy. so i didnt do it. Depression is there. it stays. noone can help you and noone truly will. the world only spins in one way and it will continue to spin that way. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and be depressed. ive been off medication for depression for a few years now because in the end it didnt help anything. I wish for once there was an answer for someone like me but this article is the same as the other 100 thousand articles from another bs doctor who all he wants to do is waste your time and money. I am gay, i am 25 my parents died before i ever saw them and i was adopted into a wealthly family in southern usa. the family who adopted me shipped me off to boarding school when i was 9 then from one camp to another so your typical rich assholes who are too busy with work for their “children”. I moved out when i was 16 and have been working fulltime nonstop for almost 10 years now and now have finished my first year of college for robotics, applied sciences and exo-thermal dynamics. every month i have to pay for my roomates rent, food and everything else because i cant afford to live by myself even with what little cash he does pull in. i go to bed at 10 -11 pm every night and wake up at 4-6 am every morning. Ive been to jail twice on false accusations (which after doing my time the courts found out i was innocent yay thanks for wasting 8 months of my life!) I have no sexual drive anymore, feels like those i loved i just want to get away from. i get angry very easily, and i have been to many many many doctors. I DO NOT talk about myself verbally, not to doctors not to therapists, not to my loved ones NOONE! so tell me doc why is it all your doctors recommendations seem to be to “talk with someone”? putting that medical degree to use eh? funny thing is whenever doctors tell you to talk to someone they alway recommend another doctor….wonder why that is…oh wait i know because they doctor who you dont wanna talk to needs to make a payment on his porsche or ferarri so he just needs to bs someone to paying a ridculious consultation charge then shove abunch of pills up your ass and say “oh im a doctor and i say your cured!”
At the end of the day they just want your money, and not to help people with their problems. cause if that wasnt the case i wouldnt have found all these articles from different doctors who all say the SAME DAMN THING! quit wasting our time and money you assholes! you people are sheep listening to this quack. Do yourselves a favor, shut the hell up and keep your depression to yourself. And all of your who keep poking these people to try and get them to open up, YOUR MAKING THE PROBLEM WORSE! if people dont want to talk then screw off! obviously your not in a position to help them or they realized at a young age that talking is completely pointless when it just worsens the situation.
@Notasheep – You are clearly in the grips of a long-term depression. I can understand your anger; you feel let down by parents and a medical profession which have both failed you. You think this advice is wrong because it is currently wrong for you. It’s right for me right now, but wasn’t 30 years ago. I cried reading this because it made me think of a friend who, despite living far away, does all these things for me when I’m down and can’t pick myself up. I’m amazed at what you’ve managed to achieve while dealing with this debilitating illness; I dropped out of uni with only 15 points short of my degree because I couldn’t cope. But I’ve always been mild, quiet and withdrawn. I wonder if it’s your anger that’s keeping you going? Rage is a powerful force. But it’s difficult to sustain indefinitely. I hope you find another way of dealing with depression. CBT might work for you as it puts you in control, rather than a therapist, and you can even learn how to use this through a book – not a rich doctor in sight!
@Notasheep: I see that you disapprove of the article’s recommendations for things to say to people with depression.
What might you recommend to say to people with anger issues? I think you might be well qualified to answer.
What your advising is validating and caring. As a person who’s suffered several long lasting episodes of depression, I can say that family and friends get to a point where they don’t know what to say or do. I haven’t asked anyone for anything, but I find that people in general don’t want to hear how I’m feeling if they can’t do anything about it. That is where the isolation comes in. It becomes a game (for lack of better word) of do I feel well enough today to call and have a casual chat without over-sharing. People might feel bad and understand (or not), but they have very busy lives and it really does take extra energy (most don’t have) to be there for someone who having more than a bad day.
I hope #6 has been deleted. It seems as though the advice is written by someone who does not live in depression. Nobody can say to me they truly understand unless they have the same mixed presentation of depression/borderline personality/bipolar. Can you relate to living for days at a time without sleeping, feeling invincible, fascinated to have such energy though you don’t really eat and have taken more than 5 prescription sleeping tabletten? Empathy is great if it’s authentic and self-experienced. Not otherwise.
Just being emotionally present, listening, not judging, not handing out patronising advice when the depressed person has of COURSE tried all, is a way of validating a person’s serious condition without aggravating it further.
If I’m feeling depressed, approach me with #6 only if you really want to piss me off. Maybe in a depressed state I would feel dismissed, but I’d probably just as likely end up screaming at you about your idealistic bullshit. The best one is #1, the rest would probably piss me off because they rather than directly agreeing with me, they skip to the next step and say that you’re on my side. The reception would be slightly better than #6 in that I wouldn’t be screaming at you, but I would probably shut you out entirely instead. #4 might be okay in certain situations, but most of the time I would just say “nothing.” Depending on the person dispensing #5, they could be effective if I’m already thinking about going somewhere, which is unlikely because my depression is marked heavily by intense lethargy.
I agree with other comments here. No. 6 should really be taken off the list (seriously, please remove it). It never helps and sounds like too much of a thoughtless platitude. We (depressives) know a depression will pass, but what we need is understanding and support, not hollow words that just display a person’s ignorance.
The ways which are mentioned are really helpful to the people who are in distress…..provided one really need to know the exact situation and timing when to pitch in those words for seducing the high temperament of the mental agonies of the person we are talking……
Thank you by following your steps my friend isn’t dead she would have killed her self
I have been a psychiatric nurse for 35 years. I know most people don’t know what to say to a friend or loved one when they are suffering from depression. I know a friend took one look at me and gasped from my obvious downtrodden face. I think these are all great suggestions that leave no one feeling awkward. I am aware at time friends or family members can say some inappropriate things not even realizing it. This is a win win for everyone.
The ultimate truth about depression (other than instances with a psychiatric element) is that the depressed are RIGHT. Death really is the only thing we achieve in life, and an honest look at life shows it to be truly, truly horrific. Depression isn’t something to cope with. It’s the truth. Find a fellow melancholic soul and ride the darkness all the way to bottom. All the way. And you may not make it back. But only then will you laugh and be free.
This is nonsense and has nothing to do with depression. Depression isn’t melancholy; that idea belittles those who suffer this terrible illness. Depression isn’t about seeing the glass half-empty, although it is characterised by a negative attitude. Depression isn’t simply being morbid, though many sufferers may be so. Depression is a dark hole from which you feel you will never escape, even if you have been there and managed to climb out before. If you are lucky to have a good friend with a ladder, you might be able to climb out quicker. It seems to me that you are advocating pushing a friend deeper into the hole.
No thank you, no thank you very much.
I am happy, and intend on remaining this way.
All but #1 would pretty much piss me off and make me not talk to you anymore while I am depressed. I reckon #1 followed by sex and drugs would be a good way to start, then when you have a connection you can start to inject good into the situation, but to be real, good for a depressed person has to do with rather giant issues, money, love, the meaning of it all, rejection of love, artistic failure on a metaphysical scale, shit like that, so if you want to really help, you have to help with the real issue, rallying a person to bootstrap their place in life isn’t quit enough…
I have been in a major depressive episode for 6 years. I am fortunate to have a family that can afford to get me stellar treatment. I have an incredibly caring, gifted, and honest psychiatrist who does my therapy and meds.
(All of you with depression: don’t let the 6 years scare you. My circumstances include an unbelievable amount of bad luck, statistically against all odds.)
Many in the comments are saying that #6 is terrible advice and should be deleted. I don’t think it would be helpful to me, either. HOWEVER, there is a better way to make a similar point.
More than once when I was starting to think seriously about suicide, he has said something like, “Emily, when you look at things and see all the reasons that things will never get better, you’re seeing things through the filter of depression. You know your mind is distorting things.” The message is, don’t let your distorted thoughts trick you into doing something irreversible.
So instead of saying “it’s temporary, things will change,” I would say that the way things LOOK will change.
To me, one thing that proves that my mind isn’t working normally is a common symptom of depression: things that were always fun/enjoyable for me just AREN’T right now. Extreme example: I went to Hawaii and stayed in a house on the turquoise blue ocean, and didn’t enjoy myself. I spent more than half my time there lying on my bed with shades drawn, crying. If my head can do that to me, what else is it getting wrong?
Something else my therapist said to me, after I listed all the ways I’m trapped with no way out, and said to him, “so tell me why I shouldn’t give up.”
He was quiet a short time, then looked into my eyes (were his eyes watering a little?) and said, “Because I don’t want you to.”
Let your friend or family member or coworker know that you truly, genuinely care. Because they’re thinking you’re just putting up with them.
@Emily K – Thank you. I didn’t like the way no.6 sounded but I thought it was a cultural difference, that I didn’t like how American it sounded, just because the British and Americans do express themselves differently. But now I think he was being generic and that we should adapt the idea of no.6 to the specific person and situation. Just as your therapist encouraged you to envisage a time when you will be able to interpret a situation differently, I encouraged my friend to remember that she had come through a worse time before and that she was strong and capable and would win the fight again. A generic platitude is insulting but if you know the person well enough then be specific and, always, supportive. A coda to that would be, sometimes you can’t help reacting with how you feel and it’s not always wrong. I once admitted my suicidal feelings, which I have struggled with since childhood, to the same friend. My friend simultaneously began to berate me and burst into tears. I was shocked by her reaction, I felt awful, but I was also touched by how much she cared. I needed to be told I was wrong, that fantasising about the day your family no longer needs you so you can kill yourself isn’t right, plus that my family and friends will always need me. Seems obvious but I needed to be told – told off even. Since that day I have somehow found it much easier to keep those unwelcome thoughts at bay. Talking really can help.
What if you have “friends” who always forget about you? Or family members who always forget about you? What if you don’t have that support system? What if whenever you try to talk to a “friend”, they turn it around and make it about them? What if it’s never about you? It never has been about you? And will never be about you? It’s really true…no one cares. And I don’t see any bright future ahead. None.
Like I suspected, no one cares.
How should I talk to my depressed son ? I don’t know how to help him. He doesn’t want to talk , he doesn’t want to see doctors, he doesn’t want to do anything .. He should start new job in a few weeks and all he does is stay in his bedroom. If he start his job in this condition to will lose it and be even in more depression . What to do ?
I can relate, I have gone through mild depression myself, so I can say, ‘been there and it is not a pleasant place to be. You won’t feel this way forever, but When this is over, you’ll feel like your renewed and alive, just keep looking for that silver lining.’
Anxiety and dpression go hand in hand and can cause a series of physical ailments.
I’m afraid I have to disagree. At least for certain cases. As far as I am concerned, the first one is main issue for me. Not that listening to a person is unnecessary, but the thing about problem-solvers. To me the most important thing would be if someone helped me with solving the problems that have led me into this unpleasant state. Then I would be able to deal with psychological stuff on my own. All these “here for you”, “I believe in you” don’t help much. It’s like expecting a house to be built when you do nothing but pray.
I’ve struggled with depression in varying degrees for over 50 years. My youngest memories are of packing my suitcase and running away from home and then coming back to find nobody even noticed I was gone–granted I was probably only gone 5-10 minutes but at 5-7 years old that’s a long time. I’ve heard all the things listed above and none helped. I’ve heard #1 which is usually immediately followed by “if you think you’ve got it bad…” I’ve heard #2 which helped until I actually asked for help and got “I’m sorry but I…” time after time after time. Heard #3 but if I’m so awesome, why am I do I feel so alone and why are you always too busy to talk, and always have plans with everyone else and can’t pencil me in for a single day. I’ve heard #5 but get the same response as with #2 and it’s never followed with “but I’m free next Tuesday.” I’ve heard #6 but unless you’re God Himself, you don’t know that anything will get better. Many people live their entire lives in pain and never find relief so empty promises you don’t have the power to back up don’t help me. I’ve heard so many other things as well like “get over it”, “just have faith” (by the way I do which is the only reason I’m not dead already), “you just need to get out” followed by “sorry, I’m busy…” In my opinion, the best thing to do is not say a word about a person’s depression or loneliness. If you really want to help, call them over and over and over and invite them out to lunch/dinner/movie/walk/anything and never say you’re there if you’re not prepared to actually be there. Don’t say ‘you know I love you’ if you only see the person at funerals, weddings and holidays and never have time to talk otherwise. Call, stop by, invite, invite, invite. Let your actions do the talking because empty words that are not backed up by actions hurt more than saying nothing because it proves that you know the person’s need and you can’t be bothered.
…people actually talk to you when you’re depressed? Lucky. I usually end up left alone & ignored by everyone until I’m not depressed anymore. Good thing I have cats.
You have written a helpful suggestion for all of those who are facing the problem like depression. After reading your blog, I hope definitely they will overcome such a situation.
This advice helped a lot, I tend to do the whole problem solver routine since that’s just the way i go about doing things, but just being there and listening when my friends are in a rough spot seems to help a lot more. Even if they didn’t have anything in mind when I offered help too, I think just knowing that the offer is there might have helped put their mind at ease to some small extent.
As someone who has struggled with depression for many years, I have to say that #6 should stay. There is nothing more reassuring than having a loved one remind you that this feeling will pass.
I’m feeling pretty cr*ppy today but I like #1. Because it’s true. B*tching about the ones that might not work would prob just make me feel worse. Maybe I’ll take myself out and do something stupid like go out by myself and have a change of scenery. Even though it’s probably going to rain buckets. But at least it’s not as hot today. On the other hand maybe a video game sounds good. Not sure what else to do. Just exhausted and run out of ideas. Sigh… well hope someone here is having a nice day!!!!!!!
Hey, just wondering. Is it not PC anymore to say this cr*p too shall pass? Because I sure as heck hope this does soon. Maybe that’s what #6 is supposed to be all about.
The choice of words is very important factor for the recovery of someone who is suffering from depression. I attended a webinar where they gave an example that if you say “Man up and face challenges” it doesnt carry the same weight as saying “Im here to support you during this time”. We need to enlighten people now to support those who suffer from this horrific trauma.