People are often confused about what it means to have self-esteem. Some think it has to do with the way you look or how popular you are with your friends or others. Others believe that having a great body will help you gain self-esteem, while others think you actually need to have accomplished something in order to have good self-esteem.
Boiled down to its simplicity, self-esteem simply means appreciating yourself for who you are — faults, foibles and all. It seems like other cultures don’t grapple with self-esteem as much as Americans do, perhaps because of the emphasis we seem to put on materialistic indicators of self-worth (like what kind of car you drive, what school your kids attend, what your grades are, how big a house you have, or what your title is at work).
The difference between someone with a healthy or good self-esteem and someone who doesn’t isn’t ability, per se. It’s simply acknowledgement of your strengths and weaknesses, and moving through the world safe in that knowledge.
Which brings me to the question I’m often asked — how can I increase my self-esteem? Here’s how.
People with a good and healthy self-esteem are able to feel good about themselves for who they are, appreciate their own worth, and take pride in their abilities and accomplishments. They also acknowledge that while they’re not perfect and have faults, those faults don’t play an overwhelming or irrationally large role in their lives or their own self-image (how you see yourself).
1. Take a Self-Esteem Inventory.
You can’t fix what you don’t know. This is one of the core components of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Before you get to work on putting CBT to work, you have to spend a fair amount of time identifying irrational thoughts and what-not.
The same is true for your self-esteem. To simply generalize and say, “I suck. I’m a bad person. I can’t do anything.” is to tell yourself a simple but often convincing lie. I’m here to tell you that it’s not true. We all suck from time to time. The solution isn’t to wallow in suck-age as the core of your identity, but to acknowledge it and move on.
Get a piece of paper. Draw a line down the middle of it. On the right-hand side, write: “Strengths” and on the left-hand side, write: “Weaknesses.” List 10 of each. Yes, 10. That may seem like a lot of the Strengths side if you suffer from poor self-esteem, but force yourself to find all 10.
If you’re having difficulty coming up with a whole 10, think about what others have said to you over the years. “Thanks for listening to me the other night when all I did was talk your ear off!” “You did a great job at work with that project, thanks for pitching in.” “I’ve never seen someone who enjoyed housework as much as you do.” “You seem to have a real knack for telling a story.” Even if you think the Strength is stupid or too small to list, list it anyway. You may be surprised at how easy it is to come up with all 10 when you approach it from this perspective.
This is your Self-Esteem Inventory. It lets you know all the things you already tell yourself about how much you suck, as well as showing you that there are just as many things you don’t suck at. Some of the weaknesses you may also be able to change, if only you worked at them, one at a time, over the course of a month or even a year. Remember, nobody changes things overnight, so don’t set an unrealistic expectation that you can change anything in just a week’s time.
2. Set Realistic Expectations.
Nothing can kill our self-esteem more than setting unrealistic expectations. I remember when I was in my 20s, I had thought, “I need to be a millionaire by the time I’m 30 or I’m going to be a failure.” (Don’t even get me started about how many things are wrong with that statement.) Needless to say, 30 came and I was nowhere close to being a millionaire. I was more in debt than ever, and owning a home was still a distant dream. My expectation was unrealistic, and my self-esteem took a blow when I turned 30 and saw how far away such a goal was.
Sometimes our expectations are so much smaller, but still unrealistic. For instance, “I wish my mom (or dad) would stop criticizing me.” Guess what? They never will! But that’s no reason to let their criticism affect your own view of yourself, or your own self-worth. Check your expectations if they keep disappointing you. Your self-esteem will thank you.
This may also help you to stop the cycle of negative thinking about yourself that reinforce our negative self-esteem. When we make set realistic expectations in our life, we can stop berating ourselves for not meeting some idealistic goal.
3. Set Aside Perfection and Grab a Hold of Accomplishments… and Mistakes.
Perfection is simply unattainable for any of us. Let it go. You’re never going to be perfect. You’re never going to have the perfect body, the perfect life, the perfect relationship, the perfect children, or the perfect home. We revel in the idea of perfection, because we see so much of it in the media. But that is simply an artificial creation of society. It doesn’t exist.
Instead, grab a hold of your accomplishments as you achieve them. Acknowledge them to yourself for their actual value (don’t de-value them by saying, “Oh, that? That’s just so easy for me, no big deal.”). It may even help to keep a little journal or list of things you accomplish. Some people might even do this on a day-by-day basis, while others might feel more comfortable just noting them once a week or even once a month. The key is to get to your smaller goals and move on from each one, like a connect-the-dots game of life.
It’s just as important to take something away from the mistakes you make in life. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it simply means you made a mistake (like everyone does). Mistakes are an opportunity for learning and for growth, if only we push ourselves out of the self-pity or negative self-talk we wallow in after one, and try and see it from someone else’s eyes.
4. Explore Yourself.
“Know thyself” is an old saying passed down through the ages, to encourage us to engage in self-exploration. Usually the most well-adjusted and happiest people I meet are people who have gone through this exercise. It isn’t just about knowing your strengths and weaknesses, but also opening yourself up to new opportunities, new thoughts, trying out something new, new viewpoints, and new friendships.
Sometimes when we’re down on ourselves and our self-esteem has taken a big hit, we feel like we have nothing to offer the world or others. It may be that we simply haven’t found everything that we do have to offer — things we haven’t even considered or thought of yet. Learning what these are is simply a matter of trial and error. It’s how people become the people they’ve always wanted to become, by taking risks and trying things they wouldn’t ordinarily do.
5. Be Willing to Adjust Your Own Self-Image.
Self-esteem is useless if it’s based upon an older version of you that no longer exists. I used to be good at many things I’m no longer good at. I excelled in math while in high school, but couldn’t do a calculus problem today to save my life. I used to think I was pretty smart, until I learned just how little I knew. I could play trombone pretty well at one point, but no longer.
But all of that’s okay. I’ve adjusted my own beliefs about my self and my strengths as I go along. I’ve become a better writer, and learned more about business than I ever knew before. I don’t sit around and say, “Geez, I really wish I could play trombone like I used to!” (And if I cared enough to really think that, I would go and take some lessons to get good at it again.) Instead, I evaluate myself based upon what’s going on in my life right now, not some distant past version of me.
Keep adjusting your self-image and self-esteem to match your current abilities and skills, not those of your past.
6. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others.
Nothing can hurt our self-esteem more than unfair comparisons. Joe has 3,000 Facebook friends while I only have 300. Mary can outrun me on the field when we play ball. Elizabeth has a bigger house and a nice car than I do. You can see how this might impact our feelings about ourselves, the more we do this sort of thing.
I know it’s tough, but you need to stop comparing yourself to others. The only person you should be competing against is yourself. These comparisons are unfair because you don’t know as much as you think you do about these other people’s lives, or what it’s really like to be them. You think it’s better, but it may be 100 times worse than you can imagine. (For instance, Joe paid for that many friends; Mary’s parents have had her in sports training since she was 3; and Elizabeth is in a loveless marriage that only appears to be ideal.)
I know I made this all sound easy. It’s not. Changing your self-esteem takes time, trial-and-error, and patience on your part. Make an effort to be more fair and more realistic with your own self, however, and I think you may be pleasantly surprised by the results. Good luck!
- Looking for more in-depth help with self-esteem? Check out Tips for Building for Self-Esteem
70 comments
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Number 5 is very useful. I’m constantly comparing myself to what I used to be able to do and have trouble letting go. Thanks!
According to Albert Ellis, the creator of CBT, if you have self esteem you can lose self esteem. Better to drop the notion entirely and rate your strategies for satisfaction rather than rating yourself based on a notion of worth or esteem. Better to accept yourself unconditionally, and work on your strategies for satisfaction, such as doing a good job at work, for example, or paying off a loan if those things are important to you.
http://mikkonen.kapsi.fi/archive/Self-Esteem-Albert_Ellis-PDF.pdf
Thanks for posting the link, I found it very interesting. My personal response is that unconditional self esteem is no more work than conditional self esteem work. Also I am concerned about conditional self esteem and the ‘dramatically destructive’ possibilities ‘when a person neglects his or her dark side.’
Too true, no one wins in the self esteem game.
how do you mean sir?
Self-Esteem IS a mental sickness! I suggest that everyone read “The Myth of Self-esteem” by Dr. Albert Ellis Ph.D. the originator of Cognitive Therapy. As a matter of fact you should read EVERY book Dr. Ellis has authored or co-authored and give up this POP-psychology and PSEUDO psychology that this site and many others have.
I don’t know anything about Dr. Ellis or his book or philosophies. They sound intriguing and maybe spot on. But GDC if you are so satistfied with Dr. Ellis’s view and philosophy why are you still looking.
I think this is an excellent article on it’s own merit. It is not trying to compete with anyone else.
i spoke with Dr. Ellis a few years ago, and did not like him. The book I feel should be read by everyone on the planet: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans……he made denigrating remarks about her….he was of the opinion that “words don’t hurt.” I think maybe because of his age, and that he was missing a lot of body parts, he could be rude, etc….
I have got to add that words do NOT hurt and those that believe they do are immature. The mature “rational†response to what a person may say about on is 1. Is it true? If it is NOT than it is only you that makes them true in your immature irrational mind. If they are true then is it something one would do better to change? It one would do better changing it them work at changing it. 2. If it is NOT true then the person is lying or just trying to demean you for some sick reason. In either case it is their problem not yours.
I would also suggest you read “The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse†by Marcia Grad Powers and Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
“he made denigrating remarks about her….he was of the opinion that “words don’t hurt.†I think maybe because of his age, and that he was missing a lot of body parts, he could be rude, etc….â€
Well look who is making denigrating rude remarks.
Just because someone says self-esteem is a mental sickness doesn’t mean we should not try to improve it or address it. We are all sick to a certain degree and need some help. To not believe that is truely mental sickness.
I keep all your six hints in mind Doc,& i know i have a lot of worth when i think with my brain.But in a gathering i desist from airing my views because i think that people won’t hear me through.Another reason for keeping quiet is that i hate bragging,so i don’t want to tell how much i know-with the result that nobody knows what all i am capable of.
I feel low self-esteem is something very deep rooted-like it begins in the womb.Only yesterday i was watching a video clip of two identical twins in womb.One baby held on to his umbilical cord like his life depended on it,while the other was flinging his limbs at the former in a gusty manner.Won’t the former have trouble getting rid of low self-esteem;you think ?
Good article. When someone criticizes me, I think of it in a negative way and my self-esteem plummets. Then, I don’t do whatever it was that pleased me. So, I like #4…and I will do more exploring in my life. WORDS DO HURT ME!!! I’m gonna be rude now…GDC needs to grow up and smell some ROSES, because life is to be lived WITH the strengths AND weaknesses. How can roses grow without thorns?
SiSara
I liked this article especially the use of ‘suckage’ as a noun- as a Brit this really made me smile. It’s fascinating to note in the discusssions the REBT Albert Ellis angle, i don’t understand why he had such a problem with self-esteem as a concept. And yes he was a funny chap himself in lots of ways but hey no-one’s perfect!
Hi,
Your ideas are close to what Recvoery Inc. teaches.Recovery Inc.has it’s own language of sorts. There are a list of tools we use when confronted with negative feelings or thoughts.Some of our tools relating to your self esteem.
For every measure of self control we get a measure of self respect and selfconfidence.
Expect frustrations and disappointments every five minutes and you won’t be disappointed.
self induced high expectaions lead to self induced frustrations
be average with your responses and actions
there are so many others Recovery Inc.has to offer and free weekly meetings
best
john
Thank You.
Wow number 5 and 6 has just changed my life. I have been holding on to an old self-image of myself for so long that even though my life is now much better than it used to be, I’m the only one that can’t see it. Also compare myself to people a lot without realising it – even worse some of those people I compare myself to have told me they wished they were me, but I just can’t allow myself enjoy their compliments. Thanks so much for sharing this insight, I’m off now to go change my life!!! 🙂
6th one is most important in my opinion
I’m an English,qualified counsellor/psychotherapist and, let me tell you, it’s no easier when you know the theory, be it CBT, psychodynamic, Adlerian, Carl Rogers’person-centred or a mix of all the models of psychotherapy. Having the necessary belief in yourself cannot be instilled by anyone other than yourself – but I found that the straightforwardness of this site has filled me with a confidence that’s been lacking for sometime – well done..!!!!
I am at least positive now in the hopes to do something, thanks.
Well I rarely comment in blogs like this, but now I think that is so necessary but is not because dislike it on the contrary CONGRATULATION!!! I used to be sad because I didn’t like myself, i thought that everybody was more beautiful than me, but when I read it all of them bad ideas were to another universe..
I wish the best for you..
Please never change because a lot of girls like me need a friend hand 🙂
Thankyou very much, it helps to know that most people feel the same way and coming form this perspective has made me realise that there is light at the end of the tunel. I just hope I can apply this in real life
last year i really wanted to be popular like my friend. but i only had a few friends in my grade. since in my class i already had a reputation of being all quiet and shy, i i talked to them they’d just ignore me. so i decided to go outside the box.i started talking to strangers who practically didn’t know me and started fresh. but the problem was that i had to stop being shy and have an upbeat attitude, which in reality is not me type of attitude. but i did it and became really popular between the people who didn’t know that the people in my class thought i was quiet, for a period of time i had a really high self esteem and felt like i could overcome anything and talk to anybody. but the problem was that since i wasn’t being myself it was really hard to keep up a fake attitude all the time around these people.
Now my self esteem moves from from high to low in like a day. i want to maintain it high like it was last year, but having a fake attitude almost 24/7 is hard. sometimes i just feel and insecure and it depresses me.
I understand you, we are on the same boat, this article implies self esteem is not pleasing everybody, it pleases yourself. I learned that we have to love ourselves for who we are, like if you are quiet and shy people will not really like you, we don’t need them in the first place, you can be at your best without them, your goal must be for yourself only and your love ones. For example if you wish to become first honor in your class you should study harder so that you could get a good grade, you can do it even if you are quiet and shy right? You can cultivate other hobbies that you can do on your own like making computer programs or games, you have to be honest with yourself, do you interested with people? Honestly I’m not. Nowadays everything is commercialized unlike before, my only fear in life is i could not get a job because i’m quiet and shy, but I learned that it’s not true because there are jobs that you don’t have to be an outgoing person like computer programmers or you can put up your own business.
How do we increase our self-esteem in situations where it is not exactly convenient to sit silently and ponder our self-image and fix our expectations, for example in large social settings when one is completely focused on the external?
Also, what are some intermediate, easier steps to take to lower our expectations and stop comparing ourselves to others when it has already become automatic?
Thank you for this article. I liked the part “set realistic expectations”. I know it took me a few years to let go of believes of how life should have been and learn to enjoy the unknown and the exciting opportunities it carries with it.
it’s simple to higher your self-esteem, rhinoplasty and etc surgeries are available dr jorge cabrera
I am a trained social worker, but when i’m facilitating people i fear to communicate well what i know. How can i do a way this?
last step is very helpfull for mi sir..
Thanks a lot sir…
I liked the approach of boosting self esteem.
We need to practice it in our practice life.
How do we increase our self-esteem in situations where it is not exactly convenient to sit silently and ponder our self-image and fix our expectations, for example in large social settings when one is completely focused on the external?
Also, what are some intermediate, easier steps to take to lower our expectations and stop comparing ourselves to others when it has already become automatic?
Please increase font size and make good look.it makes me uneasy
I actually went through many websites about this topic but couldn’t make any connection to them. This one was really different. It was so close to my life. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I liked them so much and I’ll try applying them…
This is a great article and speaks to the point. As part of the not comparing you to others, I think we also need to fight with those traditional standards that only doctors or engineers or managers add values to the society. Or what media posts to introduce all the popular people and make them look so important. For a while I was subconsciously misled and was thinking I am worthless because I am not a leader or a doctor or such,…. but I learned about the wrong thoughts I had and I think those are all subliminal messages come from parents’ traditional standards and media to our subconscious but we need to consciously reject them.
This is a great article. I also found meditation useful. It’s great that you include the bit about mistakes. Most people get frustrated and beat themselves up over mistakes but something truly powerful happens when you realize that mistakes are a great tool for learning and you do have the power to get better at life everyday if you just pay attention and take initiative.
I have had poor self esteem for years and have had CBT it worked at the time but have stopped as was told my course had come to a end .
Trying to do it on your own is hard but the tips on here could help am going to give it a try
I wish I had 300 Facebook friends
Self esteem comes from knowing who you are; your strengths, weaknesses, your values, and standing up for your personal beliefs, and being true to yourself, and feeling comfortable in your own skin. I agree with some of the view points made in this article by the author. I will try to apply some of those suggestions in my own personal life and share what I learned with my close friends.
Self esteem comes from knowing who you are; your strengths, weaknesses, your values, and standing up for your personal beliefs, and being true to yourself, and feeling comfortable in your own skin.
Hey,
I just wanted to say than Dr. John Grohol for posting this article and helping me out. I really apreciate it that you put this article u for free to help people and if I ever encounter you, I am going to buy you an ice. Best wishes to the person reading this comment, I hope you have a good day,
Peter
I’ve never seen Number 5 come up anywhere else, but that’s the key one for me. I used to be highly successful and now I am not – through no particular fault of my own, I was simply to ill to keep going, but it’s still hit me hard.
I’m clinging to the ‘self’ from when I was a teenager that excelled at everything I touched. I’m now 28 and I’m JUST successful, not excelling, and I can’t stand it. Every day is torture. Others can’t understand because as far as they can see I have a more active life, I do more, I achieve more than other people (and they keep pointing out I did this despite being unwell), but it’s just not good enough for me. I want to be the person I used to be – and probably because I received such admiration and praise for it. I’ve known for a while that this is destructive but I find it very difficult indeed to stop. When I’m not excelling, I just don’t know who I am. I am able to write a whole list of ‘positives’ on the sheet of paper, as this article suggests, but I don’t care about any of them. I’m not thankful for any of them.
I do do the ‘yeah, but that was too easy’ thing when I succeed as well, or when people praise me. I often feel patronised when people praise me for things I found second nature or when I just haven’t even tried. I have made an attempt to feel the accomplishment but sometimes our beliefs are not language-based. I can say to myself ‘oh, well done, you really succeeded at that project at work and everybody thinks what you’ve done is excellent’, but if I don’t believe it – if I’m of the opinion that I’m being praised over something small and easy – then the words sound empty.
This isn’t to say this isn’t the right way to go – I think it is. I can grasp how my life would be better if I managed to find more worth in myself and stop trying to achieve. This is only to say it is so difficult to change your beliefs when you can feel them in your gut.
I think the whole thing is about gaining acceptance and love. When I’m not excelling, I don’t just feel bitter and disappointed and dejected, I also feel invisible and alone.
Anon,
Your comment really spoke to me. I feel the exact same way. I keep reading forums like these in an effort to feel better about myself. However, nothing lasts for very long. I am an over achiever and a perfectionist. Where I am in my life right now sounds like the same place that you inhabit. I can’t seem to succeed like I used to. As a result, I feel horribly alone, frustrated, and invisible. Have you found something that’s helped you?
Thank you, it was useful.
I read your article about self esteem. I have been to alot of counselors and they seem to have the same practice. I have alot of deep rooted issues from child abuse that never got settled. I am turning 24 and I still have these demons in my closet. Which makes my relationship and my life alot more difficult. I have grey hair at 24 because of all the stress I am battling. I just don’t no what to do anymore. Should I seek psychiatric help? It seems like everytime I go to the counselor, all they do is beat around the bush and never get down to the main problem. What should I do?
Thank you for this Dr. Grohol.
It helps to explain why I have low self-esteem and became a recluse.
M~
A great article with straight forward instructions on how to improve our self esteem.l have to start listing my strength and weaknesses on a daily basis
Great article. I read this article looking for an answer as to why I am always in my own way. Basically blocking my my own success because of some conscious and / or unconscious beliefs I have of myself.
While I know this is the case and have read many books and listened to many audio books on these issues, I’m still stuck in this “temporary” place (things will be good when… happens).
Even after hearing tools and tecniques on how to fix these things I still have a difficult time following through and being consistant. I have had so many people tell me that my problem is my lack of consistancy since I was young that it seems as if I sabatoge many things to prove that statement to be true.
I want to change this but just don’t know how to. Or won’t allow myself to.
Recalling our achievements in life, no matter how big or small they have been, will make us feel better and less strict on ourselves. Although time has passed without doing something to be proud of, making a list of achieved goals will be a beneficial exercise.
thanks you for they advice and tips
Many people have low self-esteem without even realizing. And the people that do know have not always received genuine help even from professionals! The fact is this. Low self-esteem consists of negative beliefs we have about ourselves which are like ingrained in our subconscious minds. What I had found that really helped me (and still does) was a subliminal self-esteem affirmations CD created by Louise L Hay. I know a subliminal CD is hard to believe, but the one created by Louise L. Hay really works. It has many excellent reviews on Amazon. I’ve also recently heard that people are experiencing fast and positive results from seeing hypnotherapists trained to help people improve their self-esteem! I haven’t tried hypnotherapy myself, but it makes sense that it would work? As for me I noticed a positive difference in how I was feeling/thinking within four days of listening to the subliminal self-esteem affirmations CD by Louise L. Hay. I still use the CD every now and then whenever I’m down or thinking negatively. I’d say either the CD or seeing a hypnotherapist will help you to boost your self-esteem to a healthier level for sure! The trick is not to change how you feel about yourself afterwards!
I like all things said in the article, however, some of them sound slightly conditional. Conditional love ultimately fails because conditions always change. My experience is that true self-esteem comes from profound self-acceptance – ALL of me, the good and the not so good. Also, as my spirituality grew and developed over the many years of my recovery, I began to experientially apprehend or deeply grasp the essential truth that a person’s worth as a human being does not depend upon how one fares in the world. The concerns of the world: home, family, business, church, synagogue, temple — all of these are relatively unimportant. One’s worth as a human being is inherent, and fully realized simply and only when one truly knows oneself to be a child of God. And that INCLUDES my imperfections and failings.
I found this article very helpful. Thank you for the detailed description of the guidelines. I am on a mental diet, digesting good positive thoughts and detoxing on the weak. You have just reminded me of the importance of knowing oneself. I am adding a good self esteem to my list of goals.
What an amazing article! Thanks
Thanks John M. Grohol for a clear guide to a complex issue. I’d like to suggest a complementary exercise to 1. Take a Self-Esteem Inventory. Draw a simple outline or silhouette of a person in the centre of a page creating an internal and external space. Looking at the items on the inventory place some of the items that stand out for you and place them on the page; either internally in the particular area of the silhouette, e.g., head area, chest area, arms or legs, etc. or externally such as around the silhouette, e.g., above, below, sides, overlapping, covering areas such as where the mouth would be or ears or eyes. Do this spontaneously and use words, symbols and different colors. This exercise can give you the potential to gain some insight as to where these items come from, where you experience them, how they relate or interact with each other or where they may be coming from.
thanks for such a great tips for improving self esteem…
Good health habits were key to solving my confidence issues. These issues were mostly about sex, but ever since I began using a penis health creme I have been performing a lot better. This creme is loaded with vitamins and nutrients, and just knowing that things are healthy down there puts me in a positive mindset. This is what I need to rise to the challenge. No pun intended.
insightful
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