A little while ago, my wife and I celebrated seven years of marriage. While ours is a good, healthy relationship, it’s also had its share of ups and downs like any other. With half of all marriages seemingly doomed to failure, here are seven things I’ve learned so far from being married.
It may help to know that neither of us have been married previously, and we both entered into our marriage with an understanding about the commitment that a marriage — for it to last — takes. So all of the things I’ve learned are based upon the belief that marriage is a serious, long-lasting commitment — not a reason to throw a party, or to “try on” new relationships for awhile.
Many of the tips below work not just for marriage, but any long-term, committed relationship.
1. Get Married For the Right Reasons.
There are dozens, perhaps hundreds of reasons why a person may want to get married. But I see a lot of people getting into marriage for the wrong reasons, including: financial or emotional stability (because they have none of their own); because it’s expected (by their family); dating so long it’s either break up or get married; because they’re getting old; it seems like a fun idea; etc.
2. Talk About Things That Matter.
They say that communication is the number one problem in relationships that don’t work. This is especially true of marriage. Marriages that fail almost always include two people who either don’t know how or have simply given up talking to one another in any meaningful way.
Talking to one another isn’t just, “What’s for dinner? How were the kids today?” It’s also, “How can we build this relationship into something even better 3 years from now?” and “I know the kids are important and I love them as much as you do, but we need to spend more “us” time together.”
This is perhaps even more important before you get married. How many couples never talked about everything you need to talk about before marriage? Children (yes or no; how many; who will be primarily responsible for child rearing), finances and money (existing debt; spending habits; outstanding loans), family (history of serious troubles; drug abuse; alcoholism; genetic problems; “crazy” relatives), and general future expectations (where to live; house or condo; city or country; two careers or one; retirement plans; etc.).
3. It’s Okay to Be Wrong.
Thirteen years ago, I wrote about how you have to make a conscious decision sometimes to choose happiness in your life over being “right” in an argument with your loved one. To make a marriage work, you need to give in on the little things that don’t matter — even when you think you’re right. Being “right” in most arguments just doesn’t mean much in the long run.
When you “win” an argument, you’re ego remains intact. But you just broke your partner’s heart in order to do so. Was it worth it?
4. Compromise is a Sign of Strength, Not Weakness.
Some people bask in their stubbornness and belief that their opinion and needs are all that matter. To them, compromise is a sign of weakness, or showing that you lack a spine. Many of these people are also those who’ve gone through at least one divorce.
Sticking to your beliefs is great if you’re running for Congress. But it doesn’t work as well for a healthy, long-term relationship. Relationships — especially marriage — demand compromise from both partners. Next to a lack of communication, I believe a lack of being able and willing to compromise when the relationship needs it contributes to most breakups and divorce.
5. You Need Your Own Life.
Your partner may be the greatest thing since a hot fudge sundae, but you still need your own life. Man (and woman) cannot live on hot fudge sundaes alone. And “your own life” doesn’t mean your children, either. It means pursuing activities, hobbies and friendships outside of the home. It doesn’t really matter what it is — as long as it gives your life additional meaning and purpose, and it’s something you enjoy doing.
Pouring yourself into your work doesn’t generally count. Why? Because it’s too easy to see that turn into a slippery slope of no return. All too often, the more you put into working, the more it demands. Some people can do it, but for others it is not a way to add to one’s life — it becomes one’s life.
6. Fun is Always Important.
One of the first things people complain about is how sometimes fun seems to get sucked out of a relationship after one gets married. It’s not surprising — you move in together, you combine finances, bills and schedules, and you start planning a future that may include children. It may be awhile before you feel you can have “fun” again.
And when the children do arrive, fun as a couple gets substituted for fun as a family. Which is great, don’t get me wrong. But as a couple, you still need to spend fun time together. Alone. You need to focus on transforming the mundane activities of everyday life into something a little more exciting.
Sure, life is serious and there’s a lot of responsibility. But if you ignore having fun, your relationship will suffer.
7. Commitment Means Commitment.
With divorce fairly simple to obtain in most instances, marriage may seem like just a temporary situation you try out. But then why get married in the first place? You should just live together and call it a day.
Marriage means commitment. And that means that when the going gets tough in the marriage, you try to do everything before you turn to divorce. That includes going to couples counseling, and even individual therapy if need be. It means sacrificing for a time to make it work. Or to at least give it your darnedest while trying.
I don’t think marriage is right for everyone. I think if you want to “test out” married life before you commit, you — grandmas, cover your ears — live together first. Living together is a sure test of a relationship’s strength, because it is basically marriage without the legal document. If you can make it one to two years living together, you have a good idea what married life will be like.
One last thing — sometimes the very concept of marriage changes things in a person’s head, especially about expectations. Before marriage, it may have been alright to hang out with the boys at the bar after work for a drink without calling your partner to let them know. After marriage, the phone call may become expected.
Talk about these things, rather than just expecting your spouse to “know” what you’re thinking. Even in marriage, mind reading is not something most people do well.
Good luck with your own marriage or long-term relationship! It can be successful, but it requires work and nurturing to keep it healthy — and both of you happy.
What has helped your marriage?
Share your tips and tidbits learned from being in your marriage or long-term relationship below.
25 comments
John,
Your recommendation to live together first, is off base and conflicts with marriage research. 80% of couples who cohabit end up with broken relationships. Cohabitation is just practicing a low commitment relationship!
Hey, these are just my opinions based upon my experiences. I purposely didn’t cite any research here because it very well may indeed be in conflict with my opinions.
But if you want to split the difference, the effect of negative marital satisfaction being associated with cohabitation isn’t significant if people cohabitate after they’ve become engaged (see Stanley et al., 2010; Rhoades et al. 2009).
Besides, the research hasn’t shown a causal relationship between these two variables, just a correlational one.
One last thought — if you’re intending to spend the rest of your life together, doesn’t it make sense to see if you can live together first?
I agree with you, John. You wouldn’t buy a car without driving it first, would you?
Sound article for the most part, but I would emphasize couples need to continue dating for the rest of their lives and not until they get married and have kids. I have been married for nearly 14 years (I am 39, wife 37, 3 kids ages 12, 9,7) and continually nurturing our courtship has worked well for us. Amidst all the hustle and bustle we manage to go out on dates or even send the kids to bed and have movie nights at home sometimes. I think its critical not to allow the romance to die.
Although I am not yet married, I am engaged to be so and have been living with my partner for 2 1/2 years and we have been together for four, engaged for 1 1/2. It may also be helpful to know that we are both young (25) and that this is the first co-habitation relationship for both of us and that we entered into our cohabitation with the intent to marry.
In this time, I have learned an extraordinary amount about negotiation and clarity. One lesson I have found that is imperative to take home, is the importance of tenacity. That is, tying up loose ends of disagreements, not just throwing my hands up in the air when I’m irritated that my partner isn’t agreeing. I need to either take a different tack in explaining my point of view and/or grievance or I need to process for myself and make a conscious decision that the fight is not worth the issue at hand.
Giving up is not the same as letting go, and just giving up has the possibility of leading to festering frustrations that get aired long after you’ve said “Alright, fine. Have it your way!”
Jm-
I agree entirely with you. It is a shame to me that an educated psychologist is offering advice that he clearly knows is not grounded in research. Opinions are one thing, but the facts absolutely tell us that if you co-habitate before marriage, it is more likely to end in divorce. Please use your knowledge and education for the good of society, Mr. Grohol.
Jh, I’m sorry, is it written somewhere that I can’t share my opinions, even when they differ from the research (which I’ve already shown with actual research references — lacking from anyone else — that it’s more subtle than just saying cohabitation before marriage is “bad”)?
Citations please. And please also let me and my fellow readers know if the research is correlational in nature. Thanks!
My husband and I do a lot of the things you talk about above and feel secure in our relationship and with each other. I believe that one thing that keeps us happy, decreases arguments, frustrations, jealousy, and anger is that we have an allowance. Our money is polled together for bills,etc. And then depending on our financial state at the time we get an equal amount of “allowance” weekly/biweekly/monthly (again depending on finances), and we can spend that money however we want without question from the other. If my husband wants to buy another tool or wants to go to the bar with friends, or if I want to buy more craft things or eat out for lunch at work, we can, without having to worry that the other one might be upset that we spent money on it. I listen to other couples fight over money and I am convinced that our allowance will save our marriage (plus all the other things we do like talk, respect, spend time together,etc)
Jm & jh, it is well acknowledged in academic circles that research can be skewed and misrepresented to ‘fit’ an individual’s bias. I applaud John for having the honesty to admit he has opinions (heaven forbid! – an educated person & all!) that may conflict with current research. He also identifies that research can be misrepresented by applying data research findings in a generalist manner (casual vs correlational).
On a personal note, my first marriage was of the traditional variety – eg, we chose not to live together first) and lasted 4 years; my 2nd marriage occurred after living together for 4 years and having a child ‘out of wedlock’. We have now been married for 16 years, which, combined with our sinful relationship beginnings, means we have been together for over 20 years.
I wonder if the research data is representing the lack of initial commitment often occurring in ‘try before you buy’ cohabitation arrangements, rather than identifying it as true proof that live-in arrangements cause the relationship to disolve? I believe what John is implying is that commitment is the key to all relationships, regardless of the context they’re conducted in. Believing in ‘for better or for worse’ is a worthy mantra to apply to relationships, regardless of whether there is a piece of paper involved or not.
John:
My husband and I believe that meaningful ongoing communication is what not only keeps us together, but keeps our marriage growing stronger each year. How do we do it? We walk together for an hour every day. Ok, ok, we have dogs and they drag us out daily for their exercise. But now that we have been doing it for quite a long time, I daresay we would walk even if we didn’t have dogs.
When we do, we catch up on the mundane business of couples–what’s going on with our health insurance, who’s going to go grocery shopping next and what our holiday plans should be. But when we don’t have to focus on business, we talk about politics, religion, our friends–whatever’s on one of our minds. It’s amazing how much more at home we’ve grown with each other since we started this practice.
(And btw, I think blogs are the perfect place for opinions!)
So many words about so many things having to do with happy marriage, but nary a word in the main article or in the comments about the thing that makes marriage different from all other relationships.
Sex.
It’s one of the main pillars of marriage. It’s the one thing you can do with your spouse that you don’t do with others, absent a non-normative marriage. So why all the reticence? Good sex won’t guarantee a marriage, I know. But lousy sex will definitely destroy it.
Congrats on your seven years! I was also going to write (being in the marriage education/therapy world) about my 7 year mark, but then my body decided to implode with a nasty cold for 3 weeks on my anniversary.
Scott Stanley has a great blog in which he basically summarizes the cohabitation issue as one of “sliding vs deciding.” http://slidingvsdeciding.blogspot.com
The main issue I have with “the test drive” is that any annoyance of daily life is going to exist between two people in any state (dating apart, living together, or married) but the real reason people divorce is NOT the test-drivable issues. It’s the core issues of a shared sense of values, future, in-laws, kids, money, sex and belief that marriage is hard work and a forever thing….
I personally believe one of the biggest tragedies of moving in together is couples stop dating and creating those shared memories that really get them through the rough patches. Life goes on autopilot and you believe you’re ready for marriage since you “can do this living together thing.” In auto-pilot you may never really have those conflicted moments, or the distance you have in dating, to realize maybe this isn’t the right person. And then as Scott’s blog says, you slide into deciding….and the research says more “sliders” divorce more than their dating peers who chose intentionally and with clarity to end their single lives and purposefully join together in a marital union.
Anyway, to our 7 years of hard marital work and to a lifetime of happy, healthy anniversaries for us both!
Cathy… Great suggestion on how to make time for one another each day (and get some exercise in the process!).
TPG…. Agreed. I was going to single out sex specifically somewhere in the article, but it got left out. It’s covered in absentia by #2 — talking about things that are important — and #6 — having fun. Sex is most definitely a fun part of most people’s lives, and should of course be talked about and agreed upon (especially expectations about frequency, romance, etc.) ahead of time.
Elizabeth… Thanks for the great link and letting us know about Scott Stanley. Sounds interesting!
Great to hear everyone’s suggestions and thoughts!!
John, happy anniversary! I love the picture of you and your wife! Thanks so much for sharing your “secrets” to a healthy and happy marriage.
Excellent and well written article. I read your comments below and I am adding to the “live together first” controversy. While for some people, living together takes out some of the nervous shakes; there is something psychological about that formal marriage certificate. Subconsciously, something changes; maybe an underlying thought, “okay, now I’ve got you! I’m going to let my hair down and let my real self show.” While not always, a ‘before marriage living together’ seems to still be a “best foot forward” lifestyle.
Great article! I like how others ask you to support every opinion with research and citations, but they do not include it in their posted opinion! I see many couples who decide to live together indefinitely and they consider it “the same as being married”. It really irritates me when people say this. I look at living together a little differently. I would not live together with someone unless I had already decided to marry them. Why move in with someone who you might leave? Why would you want to “give it a try”? Isn’t it setting yourself up for potential heartache? Do people “try out” parenting? What if you don’t like it? Do you give the kid back? No. Well, we should be looking at the commitment of marriage the same way. I love knowing that I have an absolute commitment from my husband and we are more in love now than we were 7 years ago. Our marriage is about more than being in love- it is a lasting decision and commitment to share our lives together.
I’m 21 years dating with a man of 29,, i love him so much and wish we can make a family,, but he’s the most person to do some mistakes and causes some conflict cz i hate it when he put his mobile phone on silent “WHY’ doesn’t he cheat and i have touch his phone,,
lastly u people i like the way you talk to us, i am one of the people who reads your things about relationships and and i gain something
I also disagree about cohabitation before marriage…at least before engagement. I have done a lot of research on this topic and there is a considerable amount of research that suggests that cohabitation (at least before engagement when there is not formal commitment) leads to a greater likelihood of poor marital quality/stability and divorce.
But, everyone has a right to their opinion and I respect yours!
Actually there is plenty of research out there to support John’s 7 tips all of which I teach in my marriage and family class. And, based on my 18 years of marriage (+ two years of cohabitation while we were engaged), I definitely think John and the research are spot on.
You cannot overuse telling your spouse “I love you!” Say it with passion, fill it with emotion, mean it! He or she will know! We have been married 25 years, first and last for both of us. I cannot imagine life with anyone else, and she still tells me she feels the same way. This woman is the most important thing in my life. I wish I could have always said that. Selfishness is the worst thing anyone can bring to a marriage, but I learned over time to be a giver, and less of a taker. That is what I think makes a marriage strong. We are committed to the commitment as well as to each other. That is it. I define Commitment as not quitting, ever, no matter what. We haven’t, we won’t. That is all.
Mr. Grohol,
Well done! I especially love points 3,4,5 & 6.
As far as point 2, it’s important to consider that you can talk about things that matter, but it’s possible that your feelings or opinions about those same things may change over time. After you live with your decisions for a while you may change your mind. Leave room for change, then revisit point 4. 🙂
I might add this to consider: remember that children will grow up, and move on to their own lives. If you let the children come between you, when the children are gone you won’t have any richness with each other.
I think that living together brings only half a commitment. If you are not ready to get married, you are not ready to live together. Living together means, one person does not want to fully commit. This is what I’ve seen. (Usually the man.)
As a woman, I wouldn’t want someone to “test me out” by living with me. I think marriage is a commitment that requires both people to be involved at the same level. There is nothing wrong with waiting a bit longer to get married but living together on a trial basis just seems like a half hearted leap of faith, instead of getting to know the person as much as possible and then honoring them by making a full commitment to spend the rest of your lives together.
If you love the person enough to live with them, but you still have reservations, then wait. Then decided to get married or not.
Yes, I’m old fashioned but marriage IS and DOES feel different.
I totally agree with everything!!! I support cohabitation. no one EVER KNOWS who a person really is until they live with them for at least 2 years. My boyfriend and I have been living together for four years.. he got his cpa.. we bought a house.. I’m still in school so a wedding is on hold. I mean I knew he had a temper.. but till that 2 year mark.. I didn’t realize how bad. plus all these years I have had my twin sister renting from us.. AND my aunt lost her house and is now living with us. it is tough! till you live with someone though.. you have no clue what your getting yourself into.
Seven years today, many hard and joyful lessons learned. First thing to learn, people change, even married people. The person you marry in 2012 is hopefully growing and is different in 2019. Stagnant relationships end, growing ones have a better shot, and growth means change. So adjustment to each others’ changing needs is key. I expected “happily ever after” which should read “happily ever after but rally when the inevitable tough stuff happens.” Joy in marriage seems to get sucked out over time as the inevitability or perceived life-long commitment sets in. We need to keep laughing, finding fun in each other, and do the hardest thing — fight complacency. Keep doing the things that brought you together and interested in the first place — and find some new things that connect you, and that’s hard to do! Finally, brutal honesty — this partner is the one person you’re supposed to be brutally honest with, and it’s so easy over time to stop. Remember, if your marriage feels only okay to you, it probably feels less than that to you partner.
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