Depression and bipolar disorder are often family diseases.
Everyone sharing a kitchen and a bathroom is affected. In fact, in his book “Understanding Depression,” J. Raymond DePaulo Jr., M.D., writes that “depression … has a much greater impact on marital life than rheumatoid arthritis or cardiac illness. One study found that only severe forms of cancer affected a family as adversely as depression or bipolar disorder.”
My manic depression could have easily wrecked my marriage and my relationships with my two children. Instead, we emerged as a tighter, stronger unit. How? Here are eight ways Eric, my husband, helped me cope — tips for families on how, exactly, to hang in there with a loved one who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
1. Educate yourself.
I remember the afternoon of my first severe panic attack. I phoned Eric at work as my breath grew shallow and my heart pounded as if I were having a heart attack. I was sure I was dying. As soon as he walked through the door, he stared at me suspiciously. My limbs were in place, and I seemed to be functioning just fine. What was the problem?
“You don’t understand,” I explained. “I thought I was dying! It was the most frightening experience I have ever had.”
What convinced my spouse that my bipolar disorder was an illness, not a weakness? Research. The reams of paper that I printed out and asked him to read. The psychiatric evaluations he witnessed. The group therapy and family sessions he attended. And the conversations with other spouses of persons with bipolar disorder.
Education is always the starting point. Because until a spouse or daughter or friend of a manic-depressive understands the illness, it is impossible to say and do the right thing. Do your own research by going online to National Alliance of Mental Illness or to Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, or by doing a Google search of the words “bipolar disorder” (or checking out the bipolar resources here at Psych Central).
2. Learn how to talk to your loved one.
Eric doesn’t say much when I’m clutching tissue paper, crying my eyes out. And he’s hesitant to speak when I’m manic (not that I would let him get in a word). When I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, he reminds me why I need to. And when I’m revved up, he’s the voice of reason telling me why a spontaneous trip to New York isn’t smart.
Anna Bishop, wife of fellow blogger James Bishop (findingoptimism.com) has some wonderful advice for the loved one of a manic depressive on what to say and when:
When James becomes ill he turns into a different person. I say goodbye to my husband, so to speak, and hello to bipolar James. In a depressive episode he becomes highly irritable and usually itches for a fight. Early on he will often make comments to bait me. “All I do is work, work, work, to support your lifestyle and your precious social group.” You can imagine what a red rag to a bull that comment is.
At this point I have 2 options:
 1. Take the bait, have a messy fight and accelerate his downswing, or
 2. Grit my teeth and say “it’s the illness speaking”. If I can do that then I have a much better chance of diffusing the situation. A comment like “You sound stressed about work — let’s talk” has better results and sometimes can even stop the mood swing.
3. Make some rules.
You know all the fire drills in primary school you prayed would happen during the math pop quiz? All those times the school administrators rehearsed what, exactly, would happen in the case of an emergency? Families of bipolar persons need them as well: a plan of action for those times when the bipolar person is sick.
In order to design such a strategy, the manic depressive and her loved one must compile a list of symptoms — like the smoke and burning smell of that make-believe fire in the third grade–and what action should follow them, like “call the doctor.” Each family will have a different list of symptoms and a different model of recovery, because no two illnesses are exactly alike.
Eric and I have agreed that I will call my doctor after two consecutive nights’ sleep under five hours, or after three days of crying spells. A friend of mine told me that he and his wife have agreed that she will see her psychiatrist if she hasn’t gotten out of bed for three days.
4. Plan for emergencies.
As part of the above plan of action, you should consider what should happen when the bipolar person is very ill. “When you are dealing with a disease that has the potential to become life-threatening, the last thing you want is an improvised response to an emergency situation,” writes Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D. in his book “Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families.”
Part of your plan should include a list of people who you can call for help. Of course, it is recommended that the bipolar person be working closely with a psychiatrist, and that he know how to get in touch with the psychiatrist after hours, and in case of emergencies. It’s also a good idea to know which hospital the psychiatrist works with, or if the doctor will work with any hospital in the area. Ask friends, doctors, and family members for their recommendations about hospitals and mental-health practitioners.
Also, the red tape of insurance issues is often too overwhelming to process at the time of the emergency, so get familiar with the details of your medical insurance coverage for psychiatric illnesses right now. Know the terms of hospital coverage, especially, and how much the patient is expected to pay out of pocket for various services.
5. Listen.
“When people are talking,” writes Rachel Naomi Remen, “there’s no need to do anything but receive them. Just take them in. Listen to what they’re saying. Care about it. Most times caring about it is even more important than understanding it.”
When I think back to the days when I was very ill, crying and shaking at the dinner table and at preschool functions with the kids, no response was as appreciated as when someone simply listened. Suggestions came off as condescending, even though I know they were meant to be helpful. Advice was annoying. Many times I just needed to be heard, to be validated.
Don’t hesitate to say nothing. Because silence often speaks the most loving message.
6. Go gentle.
I can’t count all the times I have tried Eric’s patience with the reckless highs and debilitating lows of my bipolar disorder. When I get fired up and want to sign up for 60 new activities — not to mention losing my car keys, cell phone, and purse — it’s difficult for him not to get annoyed. But because he places my exasperating behavior in the proper context of an illness, and sees them as mere symptoms of a disease — rather than careless and self-absorbed actions — he is better able to go gentle with me.
Moreover, a little kindness and gentleness toward your loved one–especially at those times that you feel incapable of affection and care– goes a long way to aid recovery.
7. Laugh together.
Humor heals in so many ways. It combats fear, as it loosens anxiety’s death grip on your heart and every other living organ. It comforts and relaxes. And recent studies indicate that humor also reduces pain and boosts a person’s immune system.
“Laughter dissolves tension, stress, anxiety, irritation, anger, grief, and depression,” says Chuck Gallozzi of personal-development.com. “Like crying, laughter lowers inhibitions, allowing the release of pent-up emotions. After a hearty bout of laughter, you will experience a sense of well-being. Simply put, he who laughs, lasts. After all, if you can laugh at it, you can live with it. Remember, a person without a sense of humor is like a car without shock absorbers.”
Humor also aids communication, and if there is one thing besides education that is absolutely essential for a healthy relationship with a bipolar loved one it’s good communication.
8. Get support for yourself.
Caregiving is draining. Even when you are protecting yourself with the armor of regular sleep, healthy meals, and essential time-outs from your sick loved one, caring for a person still takes a toll on your physical and mental health.
“It can be exhausting to live with a hypomanic person and frustrating to deal with a seriously depressed person day after day,” says Dr. Mondimore. “The changes and unpredictability of the moods of someone with bipolar disorder intrude into home life and can be the source of severe stress in relationships, straining them to breaking point.”
That’s why you need support as much as your loved one. You need to talk to people who have lived with a manic-depressive, and be validated by their experiences. Spouses and family members of bipolar persons should consider therapy for themselves, as a way of processing all the stress. You may also benefit from checking out support programs for spouses and loved ones of the mentally ill, like National Alliance for Mental Illness, that are available today.
60 comments
This is a great article. I tried to click five stars but it hit 4. I apologize. I have seen this illness shred my family. I have taken as many measures personally to stop the cycle.
This article will be forwarded.
Thanks!
Ms P
I agree; this is a great article. It also helped me, as a person with bipolar, to recognize that there are people out there who are willing to do the reading and so on for people they love–not one of my boyfriends has ever bothered to do any research on it at all, even as I was doing as much reading as I could about their assorted afflictions. This article made me realize that the characteristics of the author’s partner are absolutely vital for any potential partner of mine to possess.
I’m the mother of a bypolar daughter and I read the 8 ways to help them and I just want say thank you. I had no idea how bad this was for her !! Thank you again for helping me see how much I can help her cope. GOD bless you !! Elizabeth
As a bipolar person I’m a little surprised folks expect so much from their families. I’ve always figured that, ultimately, I’m the person responsible for my actions and feelings. I have no insurance and have spent most of my 30 years as an adult without insurance, so medication and therapy is not even on the table. I’ve mostly been a single mother and when I was in a relationship, the men were not able to get outside of their own selfish needs to see how they could help anyway,so they just added to my problems.
I try to minimize episodes by eating properly, getting enough sleep and interrupting what I know are destructive trains of thought. Exercise helps, when I’m not in pain. When I have an episode I just remind myself that how I feel will pass and if I act inappropriately on those transient feelings it will end up making my life messy. So I usually just chose not to do silly things.
It seems to work okay for me. I know different stuff works for different people. Just adding my two cents.
Hello, how are you now? Thank you for the tips on how you deal with the illness…Is your strategy still working?
I need some guidelines for my husband about actual physical things he can do. I am capable of so much but without some extra support I can become so helpless, confused and non-functional. He has trouble like everyone understanding and since I don’t LOOK different he feels I’m just not being responsible. All our marriage he has depended more on me than vice versa (27yr married, me diagnosed 12 years ago – not severe except depression end). Age 56 (me) and 61. I need routine most of all and reminders. We care for our 25 yr old severely disabled daughter and he helps some with her. But I need help waking up, remembering MY meds, reminded of plan we have, help following menu plans (health and weight). I make good plans, he gets excited and helps, until I’m not ok then he just waits for me to get back on top of it. He says he wants me “in control” of the household. I can’t control it any more. By the way he no longer works away from home except a sleepover job where he has his own room and bath and rarely needs to help the person. I know work is work but I need him to have concrete ways to support me besides just the listen and get info things which he also isn’t so good at. Remind me to take breaks. Remind me to to eat right. That kind of thing. One simple thing I’ve asked for is come wake me up when he gets home in the morning by bringing me a cup of hot tea (I’d have to sit up) and talking with me until I get my mind going. I refuses – I should do that for him and needing help is irresponsible.
in that last paragraph at the end – “He refuses”, not “I refuses”.
OH – and no one (family or friends especially hubby) understands I can’t do what I used to. They remember my manic times and being the “normal” – for me I’m not extreme so just doing a lot. I used to do it all, bake bread, play piano, garden, church work, sew, crafts, every function, yard and house perfect, etc. (they forget the frustration and aggravation and unhappiness – except they hold it against me the times of depression. I had a hospital stay where big mistakes were made in my meds, misreading my diagnosis. I nearly died and came out with loss of memory, difficulty speaking, the whole gamut. But no one understands how bad that impaired me – I’m now much better than then but the bi-polar has been much worse.
Thanks sooo much for this artical!! My partner has bipolar and everthing you put it here was soo helpful! Im slowly understanding this condition more and more and it really helps reading things like these!
Thanks again!
This is a very good article. Perhaps one day I will have the confidence to pass it on to my children and spouse. J
Hi there. I’m 16 and was recently diagnosed with Bi-Polar. I’ve been going through clinical depression for years, and have helped as well as been helped by my girlfriend of two years. Recently my Bi-Polar has gotten worse, more concentrated, and in her case more scathing. I’ve explained and she’s listened, but I think she needs to read this. Thank you and godspeed to anyone going through this without someone to support you.
Hello,
This article was helpful. My boyfriend is 32 and bi-polar. I am up against a wall with our relationship. I love him very much and have an enormous amount of patience. We have many positive things in common and life living together. HOWEVER. REGARDLESS I BELIEVE YOU ARE AN ADULT. SELF CONTROL IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Getting THE HELP YOU NEED AND NOT TAKING THINGS OUT ON OTHERS IS KEY. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH MOUNTAINS OF HARDSHIPS ON MY OWN SINCE CHILDHOOD AND I DONT DESERVE THE SNIPPING AND THE VIOLENCE. I HAVE HELP REGULATE HIS DIET AND VITAMINS AS IM DEALING WITH A MAN WHOM WILL NEVER ADMIT HE HAS ISSUES WITH BI POLAR DISORDER REGARDLESS THAT HE HAS BEEN COMMITTED IN THE PAST. I FIND IT INEXCUSABLE FOR ANY ONE BEING DIAGNOSE TO USE IT AS A CRUTCH. EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS EVERYONE. I FEEL IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO DEAL WITH THEM NOT YOUR MOM OR YOUR FAMILY . HAVING BI POLAR DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO HIT SOMEONE, SCREAM IN THEIR FACE, DISRESPECT THEM, UNLESS YOU EXPECT THE SAME DISRESPECT. PEOPLE USE ALL KINDS OF THINGS AS CRUTCHES IN LIFE. BUT SAYING IM BI POLAR DOESNT GIVE YOU A FREE PASS. SIMPLE ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF WHAT IS RIGHT AND WRONG STILL STANDS!!!!!!! i THINK THIS WORLD HAS NURTURED AND CODDLED PEOPLE FOR TOO LONG. GROW UP. GET HELP . TAKE A DEEP BREATH GATHER YOURSELF , GET A HOBBY, GET A LIFE. BUT DO NOT TAKE OUT YOUR SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS ON THE PATIENT GOOD HEARTED PEOPLE WHO DEAL WITH YOUR CRAP. i HAVENT DECIDED YET IF I WILL LEAVE THIS MAN. BUT IM EXHAUSTED AND I KNOW I DONT DESERVE THIS TREATMENT. I TOO HAVE HAD 2 BRUSHES WITH POLICE OVER HIS OUTRAGES. ALL I CAN THINK IS IF WE HAD A CHILD WOULD HE STRANGLE IT WHEN IT CRIES???? YOU TELL ME THE COURT SYSTEM WOULD SAY OH ITS OK HES BI POLAR??? NAH
Lana:
I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time with your boyfriend. However, your ranting at people with bipolar disorder is ignorant and out of line. Not all people with bipolar disorder are jerks like your boyfriend. Namely because he refuses to acknowledge his condition, get help, and uses his condition to validate his behaviour. Educate yourself about the subject before you spout off at people, okay. People with mental health need help, patience, and understanding.
I’m unipolar, no mania, but I sure do get depressed, having a supportive, loving spouse would have helped my condition, but he choose to pick on my weaknesses which made me even more depressed. He has his own issues and I stood by him for 20 years, despite the verbal and emotional abuse that he dished out. So it was disheartening to say the least that he would turn on me in my time of need. I thought that’s what family did, help each other. You wouldn’t help a friend with cancer or was disabled?
It’s people like you that help perpetuate the ignorance about mental health conditions. I hope for your sake and anyone you choose to have a relationship in the future, you learn some compassion and empathy. I hope for your sake that your family isn’t as callous as yourself.
Oh my gosh Utook the words out of my mouth and I am going through the exact same thing. Police coming to my home the disrespect and violence just everything. Lord
well Lana you sound like you need to tweak your meds there darlin. Nobody said “If you have Bipolar you can do whatever the f you want and it is ok.” This site is for those who do not have bipolar so they can learn about what the person they love is going thru. It’s your choice to stick around and put up with his crap. If you don’t like it, take your own advice and pack up your stuff and move out. Stop whining about it. GROW UP!
Sounds Like You Aggravate His Condition Instead Of Remaining Calm For Him. I Am Trying To Educate My Boyfriend Because He Too Does More To Irritate Me Than To Help Me. We Have Some Of The Worst Screaming Fights That Always End With Me Wanting To Break Up. If You Can’t Stay Calm & Defuse The Situation I Recommend You End The Relationship As It Is Too Much For You To Deal With And That Will Never Help Him.
Im also 16 and am diagnosed with bipolar. its hard as a teen (and at any year in life) and i wish u well with it! Rachel
Thank you for this article. Im 22 and was diagnosed with Bipolar, 2 years ago. I will pass this article onto my partner, cos i know he still finds it hard to understand, I sometimes think he thinks i make it up. Because i look “ok” im a whole different world from ok inside. Im on medication and see a psychiatrist, but i constantly find myself searching for extra help, especially at this time at night, (or rather this early in the morning!). I have 5 month old boy/girl twins, they are my world and i want to always be well for them. They are a blessing and give me a meaning to life. I can look after them no problem, but its always at the back of my mind that i know im still not always feeling quite right. Sometimes im having highs i dont even realise im having till my partner points it out, then i just think hes being mean to me. Then i could be going through dreadful lows and find it so hard to even move from the sofa. If it wasnt for my babies, i wouldnt even get out of bed. I wish there was more out there to help people like me with this “invisible” illness. You cant see it, but it is very much there!
Very good article. I have been suffering (knowingly)for near 20 yrs. Im 37.The hardest thing i have found is trying to find someone who can truely relate to your ups and downs without labeling you moody. I am a teacher, why is mental disorders such a taboo subject still? I cant wait for the day when I can admit to my students or parents of – who have emotional / mental prob. -that I too suffer, and they arent alone.
This was a very helpful article, My brother is Bi-polar and its getting harder and harder to deal with it. This read surely helped..
this article was so helpful. I am dating my boyfriend on and off since i was 11 years old. And I love him to death do us part. Its hard to support him when he is going through this. I dont ever know when the right time to talk to him is. when he is going though his bipolar stage he is more angry than anything. He breaks things and punches stuff or locks himself in the room. he knows i am here 100% but he even gets mad a me… and i dont do anything. IT SCARES ME! I hate seeing him go through things like this. I am always scared i am going to say the wrong thing or do something wrong. I have bipolar also… but i am on medication. He doesnt have medical insurance… so he goes to mental health institution. but i dont think that helps him much. the medicine they give him makes him crazy! he doesnt know where he is, or who he is and he drules. On top of everything he has a son 3 months old… and his “baby mama” and him dont get along. she loves him but he doesnt love her, he tried but it didnt work. She is normally the reason he gets upset. then again He wants me to be with him 24/7 and i cant because i am starting to go to college and i have a life too. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. all i know is to stand by him and not leave him. But when he gets mad he flips out and i dont like that. But he tells me if i leave him (which im not) but he said he would go crazy. any advice i will take… im still young but i know i love him and he loves me. what do i do?
Thank you for your insites. My stepson, who lives with me full time, has a bipolar mother…this is all new territory for me.
Best wishes to you and yours.
My mother has bio polar depression. It makes my boyfriend and I fight all the time because I feel like my moms not acting right. She hates her job so everyday when she comes home I get to hear about how bad her day was. I make her house clean she comes home and points out the things I did not do. When friends/family members come along she’s acts like she’s doing everything and doing good but when its just me she’s a very depressed,mean person.I did tell my mom I’m going to move out & that started such a big fight. This article did help me but what else can I do to help her? I’m on my last nerve please help
This is a great article. Just reading it has helped me tremendously. Recently, a psychologist validated my feelings about my husband – he has manic episodes.
Lately, they’ve increased in frequency, and I have been exhausted. I tend to walk on eggshells when he is in a manic state- it is like dealing with a stranger: My husband goes away and a strange man shows up.
My challenge is to get him to seek treatment. I am going to try to broach the subject very soon, while he is in a calm state. If anyone has any ideas on how to do this, I would appreciate hearing from you.
Thanks again.
Great site.
I know its been a while, wondering how it is going for you? I believe my husband has biplar and my theraist seems to agree its so frustrating that all I can do is ask him to get help. of coarse he doesnt think there is any connection to the fact that he is throwing our marraige/kids lives away. Any advice/encouragement would be appreciated.
I just came to this website…I am bipolar and severly depressed.The more i think about it i think i have been depressed all my life.I am 41 and have no support.ihave a husband and two teen boys.last week i called my little brother i was very sad.the conversaton quickly turned into how i was a making everything up…(i also have kidney and ruptered disc)I am told all the time that mom and dad hate you your whole family cant stand to be with you.I have been cuttng a little bit but it doesnt help the pain.I am making a christmas wish…..i wish they would see me (kelli)and how i am getting help from my therapist twice a week.I just want support from my family.I wish my kids would hug me and my husband would hug me and tell me we will together get though this.I am a good person and a human being, I would do anything for my family…thanks to this website….
My partner and I split up recently. But I am the only other adult person that lives there. She had a depression over the weekend and after being up most of the night on Sunday, she was not very rational on Monday. I dropped everything to take care of her that night. And then on Tuesday night she returned to not taking care of herself, staying up late, ect. I was very annoyed that her new significate other is not pulling her weight, by helping to care for my ex. And annoyed at my ex for not doing what she can to care for herself. And my ex is not allowed to take care of me when I need care, by her new significate other. My ex says that if I am upset by the situaton that I should just let her be. I understand the role of family/loved ones in the home to support someone affected with Bipolar moods. She doesn’t seem to.
My daughter will not change her sheets, wears dirty clothes, refused to hang up her clothes. Just leaves them on the floor, etc., I have tried, unsuccessfully, to help her to take better care of herself by taking care of her things. she is 25.
when her room gets so bad, she stays with friends and family.
Is it helping her or hindering her to keep her room and clothes organized?
My question is: Is it helping her or hindering her for me to keep her room and clothes organized?
It Is definitely Helping Her. Everything You Do For Her Is Helping Her Do What She Cannot Do For Herself
My boss took me out for coffee today at work b/c my bi polar makes me really irritable and everyone – including my partner and family walk on egg shells, I hate this! Work didn’t even know to start with as i keep hush hush!
I go days with out food and no sleep & feel like im untouchable and then I come down and man do I go down! I cry, get snappy and nasty and It feels like this nice person has gone and something evil is inside me and makes my mind go mad, I get scared to be alone ect and think and hear stuff its really tiring!! I am only 19 a healthy size 6 (dress size) I did recently have an op for gallstones an pancreatitis and went thru hell with that for a year and I think that made me a bit more irritable and fed up being in pain and never being able to go out as the pain is so debilitating!
My partner is an angel to put up with me!! We have had a few fall outs but he is sympathetic but I don’t want him to be I want to be normal!!
Help x
My partner has bipolar she hid this from me for the first 6mths of our relationship as difficulties at her home means we only get to see each other once a wk. She was petrified of telling me she had bipolar incase i left her as she has been dumped on before by previous partners and places were she has worked. It is now 18mths down the line and we are engaged but i find it very hard trying to understand what is going on in her head sometimes. I love her with all my heart and any advice from fellow partners living with loved ones with bipolar would be greatfully recieved
My fiance got bipolar but he refuse to take all the meds he should. He is only taking 1 anti depressant/calming tablet which is finished now and I will only be able to get a new batch by the weekend due to the fact that we stay in an african country. For the smallest comment he will explode especially if this are not going his way. He will then put the blame on me. Its always my fault. He will then send me abusive messages till I almost breakdown myself. When he is like that I sometimes feel I hate him! I’m very supportive and love him very much but I feel like I can’t go on living with his monster within! Please can anybody advise me on how to handle him better and to better understand how to cope with these outbursts!
How do I deal with his sex addiction?
Thanks for the article. I have shared it with my husband. I was diagnosed in 2008 and just came out of a manic episode that was triggered by anti-depressants. At the same time, my husband was struggling with a depressive episode and had several hospitalizations over the summer.
Since I was in caregiver mode and left to handle the management of our lives, I thought I was just taking care of business while my husband struggled. It was very difficult for the two of us to manage from opposite sides of the spectrum and highly volatile at times.
The biggest difficulty was in how family and friends outside our relationship behaved towards me. Mostly I had people screaming and yelling and verbally attacking me. Exasperation ran pretty high. I know these people meant well, but their approaches were not helpful and very counterproductive. Compassion was in very short supply. I think the verbal bashings I took only served to put me on the defensive and made it nearly impossible to admit there was a problem for me.
Now that my husband is stable and I have come out of my mania and see it for what it was, we are working through how to better monitor our moods and how to communicate with one another when we are having episodes. We have never been in such extreme places before.
The article was such a help to me. I have recently begun a serious relationship with what I can only describe as “the woman of my dreams” but she is also diagnosed as bi-polar. We have had our first real encounter with this only a few weeks ago. Where most would “cut and run”, I find her even more appealing to me, like a delicate flower that needs careful attention. I have read many articles these last few weeks and certainly enjoyed yours. Thank you
Thank you. Particularly for the advice about drills. We can often see signs of episodes, but perhaps wait too long to get extra assistance. This is wonderful practical advice.
This article is great! I have an old friend entering back in to my life and have now found out that she is bipolar. This artical has opened my eyes a little, so thank you. If anyone reads this and has any suggestions to help me maintain a healthy friend ship with this person in my life please reply.
Hi..I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and he suffers from severe bipolar disorder. I always tell him I can deal with ot but I feel myself getting weaker and weaker. I don’t lnow if I can continue to deal with his sex addiction or his moments of withdraw. I try really hard not to take it personally and remind myself its the disease. However, that becomes increasingly hard to d. I fit truly isnt me, then why isnt his sexual addiction focused on me..in fact when he is like that he wants nothing to do with me but does other women. And the withdrawing…well why does he choose to not speak to me but continues texting everyone obsessively so? Please help me…I can feel me losing myself in a sense trying to understand but I am really starting to hurt also which I know isnt helping matters. I dont know what to do. I too need understanding and love and It really appears as though its all about him…Please help.
People with bipolar disorder know the difference between right and wrong. He having sex with other women because you’re letting him. You need to move on, because things will only get worse.
My spouse is currently in hospital for the second time in just over twelve months she was diagnosed on her first admition since then we have separated her rapid cycling is very intense and often very demanding and draining we desperately love each otherbut I appear to be the bipolars target I want my wife well what can I do to stop being triggers
Excellent article.
I had to walk away from a relationship with a bipolar man. It still haunts me because he was a wonderful human being, but his erratic unpredictability and lack of accountability started to interfere with my work and health. If he could have taken some responsibility for — or even acknowledged — the pain he often caused me, we might have been OK. But he couldn’t.
He also had a very strange, childlike dependence on his wealthy parents as a grown man that didn’t help the situation; he was always their ‘golden boy’ no matter what he did. So he kind of had a ‘pass’ on bad behavior all his life no matter the consequence. I do think he was not helped by not having to work for a living.
I certainly hope he is OK, and I send out a ton of kudos to everyone suffering from this devastating disease, or living with someone who is.
I need help. I asked my partner to look up bipolar to understand my condition a bit more. He refuses, he says “why should I treat you any different” in a way he is correct. He doesn’t want me on my medication and it’s getting difficult to control myself. I’ll cry alone for hours, days occasionally over dosing to try sleep or forget. I just need someone to cry on and not tell me crying is for little children. I want to try but I’m ready to give up. I know I do wrong all the time being over-emotional, very forgetful. But what’s a nice way to explain about having bipolar and making him understand a bit on how to deal with it.
I was diagnosed bipolar in my thirties. I am 44 now. I was married to a man for twenty years who was unsupportive, uncommunicative, and emotionally and verbally abusive. He was very much embarrassed of my condition, despite the fact he made it worse by deliberately antagonizing me. I am seeing a very kind man, now, but I have made it clear that unless he educates himself about my condition, I do not see a future for us. I will not go through that again. He says he can accept it, but I told him when he shows me proof he is reading or doing some research, then I will see he is committed to us. I have researched his health conditions, such as high blood pressure. Don’t I deserve the same?
This is an awesome article. My husband was recently diagnosed w/ bipolar and I’m sure it’s not easy for him, but it’s been hell for me and my sons. Just reading some of this information puts things in perspective for me. It makes me understand the disorder so much more and what things must be like for him. I had a lot of hate & anger about his rages and now I realize it’s all part of the disorder. He doesn’t even realize how argumentative he’s become. I’m definitely sharing this info w/ my children (young adults) and hopefully they won’t hate either.
My daughter was 27 when she was diagnosed as bipolar. She was having manic episodes and depression. We noticed symptoms after the birth of each of her 2 children. She became very irritable, very creative and very emotional. Her husband left her in 2012 (left kids with her). Her behavior became so bizarre that I went and got the kids. It took me several more weeks to get her to come live with me and her dad. After she was diagnosed and was put on meds – things didn’t improve very much. Ashley had a good job in the medical field but the stress was too much. Her husband left because of the stress and he didn’t care enough to try to figure out what was wrong. Her psychiatrist wasn’t much help when she kept telling her the meds weren’t working and she was so tired. She struggled for more months and finally stopped taking her meds. That is when things went horribly wrong. She got addicted to crystal meth and lost her job. Her crowd of “friends” wrecked her car. Although the kids were fine with my husband and I, the father became aware of her problems and asked for custody of the children. My daughter left our home early July 2013 and was living here and there, abusing drugs and stealing money from wherever. She was arrested for drugs finally in September of 2013. I finally convinced the prison system that she needed her meds and she was seen by a prison psychiatrist and put on meds. She’s on risperdal and depakote. She’s having problems with lactation (tubes are tied so she isn’t pregnant) so our family doctor cut the dosage on the risperdal which caused an episode of rage and crying. We went back to regular dosage and she’s managing. This is a terrible disorder and it affects everyone in the family. I refuse to give up on her – she attended college for 3 years (ironically to become a psychologist) before she had to drop out to care for her first child. She is a worthwhile person with a lot of love. I’m still learning to deal with the problems but I won’t ever give up on her!
I have been dealing with a bipolar daughter since 1994. I moved to her state and quite my job to help her raise her daughter. It’s a very daunting task. I never say the right thing or do the right thing she curses at me and calls me horrible names lie psyco bitch because I said something that she took way out of context. It keeps me on pins and needles never knowing what’s next. She is having a manic period right now and has been calling emailing and cursing me out all day. She says she will never speak to me again and that I will never see my granddaughter again. These times are horrible I love her so much but am 63 years old have rheumatoid arthritis and my health s not good. It keeps me stressed constantly. I don’t know what else to do. I try to apologize for what I have said or done wrong but she never hears and just goes off in these cursing rages. I’m so lost. Love her so much but don’t know if I can go on she is the only family I have and she has taken my granddaughter away nw over something I said that was taken out of context. I would never hurt her. I am just drained
Have faith in Jesus. Keep turning the problem to the Lord of heaven. I understand fear of not having your daughter’s love and permission to see your grandchild. Things taken out of context. I struggled for 2 years with that situation, though she is not bipolar. I kept assuring her I loved her, no matter what. Tried to keep negative scary thoughts down. Offered my love, begged forgiveness for my failings. Tried to be patient with the process. Finally things changed overnight. It was the Lord, nothing I did but try to be patient, encouraging, loving and persistent. I made mistakes along the way. But things settled down as we both came to know that this relationship is too important to give up on. God doesn’t give up on me and I don’t give up on people he puts in my life regardless of our problems. Keep loving as he loves us. We all have mood disorders.
Thank you!! I once heard, ” if he takes you to it, he’s gonna get you through it”. I pray everyday that my family will get through this. Glad i’m not the only one counting on God!
I just wanted to respond on your post, Milly. Not sure you will get this and that the post was all the way back in March. I have a husband that is diagnd with Bipolar 8 plus years ago, whom I love dearly. We have 6 children together and this first surfaced after 18 years into our now 27 yr marriage. It is easier, Im sure, if you really love the person who is affected/afflicted, as the Bible states, Love covers a Multitude of sins…I have some different ideas as to what is occurring, yet I love him nonetheless. I have taken my wedding vows seriously before The Lord, as I know my husband has as well, For Better, For Worse, In Sickness and in Health.. I of coarse want things to go my way, to hurry up and go away, but I am trying my best to remember that He knows all that goes on and has always been in complete control. So I thank you for your post that was my reminder that Love is my greatest tool after my Trust in Him…
I really enjoyed reading this article; it shines a light on the patience and nurturing required for someone with bipolar disorder. It is indeed an illness, people often believe mental illness is a weakness. But these 8 ways can apply to a physically ill person just the same. If I lived with a person who had cancer and occasionally passed out, I think it would be very smart to have a plan in those situations. It is also very important to remember that it is the mental illness speaking sometimes, not the person.
My Husband is 66 years old and in the past 3 years he has changed having rages and anger, trying to do 4 jobs in the home at the same time and not finishing any, this can last for days to weeks, after that he takes to the bed for weeks and then the mania starts again. The hospital said he had sleep aphna and was given a mask to wear at night attached to a machine. It stopped the snoring and the antidepressants have kept him a lot calmer, the trouble is he still gets the manic for a few days but not as bad.the Doctors have done bloods for every thing but I told him last week that I think my Husband has bipoler, he said I might be right and he will talk to me. I am 74 and very tired and I don’t know how to keep going, I have to have a hip replacement but I am afraid to go into hospital and leave him. Please someone give me advice as I am worn out.
I need advice please, my husband is bipolar. When he gets it into his depressed state, do I also have to sit around the house? I know he wants to be left alone but then he gets mad at himself and jealous if i go anywhere. I try to occupy myself and clean or do something at home but now we have a one year old and sometimes the baby gets fussy at home and we just need to go out. Thank you.
Thanks for this article, my neighbor of over 18 years is getting released today, not the first time she has gone off her meds. Never really knew what the diagnosis was until I spoke with her sister.
I know that being bi-polar is a disease, she can’t help it.
I’ve promised her sister that I will check on her a few times a day & have some good talks with her to raise her spirits & even try to get her out walking.
(Her Dad goes in for cancer surgery in two weeks & is so distraught about her)
Per her doctors, if she doesn’t follow through with the Meds & has another “episode requiring medical intervention”, she will be placed in a long term care facility and will lose her home.
I’m going to hope for the best and just maybe I’ll be able to help her cope a bit more. I’m much older ( enuf to be her Mom)!
Please wish me luck!
Im dealing with my 21yrold grlfriend we have a 3yrold daughter who we both love very much im 34yrsold so iv done been there and done alot more than her. She was raised by her dad who basically let her run wild her mom was in prison most of herchildhood. We have had an on and off relationship for 3yrs now and grant you I treat her good but it seems we cant last no more than 2wks at a time the first wk is just wonderful than some reason the nit pickn starts after that one thing I do know she still has alot of growing up to do for example she was fied from mcdonalds first thing she does is come home and starts posting on facebook she got fired and im like why would you do that and to she has had a drug prob but she doesnt use when she is with me I dont allow it im just at my ropes in I love her so much and she does have alot of potential she is smartvery pretty I just dont know what I can do she claims she loves me wants to get married but because of the past I scared to death any advice I wo certainly appreciate
My son is in the hospital. We’ve been struggling for years. It’s terrifying. He was taking resperidone but stopped apparently due to side effects. Now he’s dropped his classes….and is arguing that his issue is a result of all sorts of bizzare maybe this or thats. God help him. He such a great person.
All of your situations are heart breaking because all of us want to be loved. In the end, that is all it comes down to. We want to be loved and to give love, so when the one person in the world that we have chosen to spend our life with becomes unloving we panic. Let’s face it, the partner who is bipolar can be very cruel, demanding, critical, verbally abusive, accusing, and even physically abusive. All unloving states of being. Never to be the same again.
For the bipolar partner, I am sure that it is a nightmare to feel what they feel. I am also sure that it is a horrible need or desire for anyone who cannot control their thoughts and actions. But just because we can identify what the ailment is or can call it a disease, does not justify the effects of the disease by offering sympathy or understanding for it.
All diseases come with side effects and medications that impact lives. The life of the one who has the disease and all the lives around him/her. Is it really okay to give the one with the disease full pardon to do their worst to others because they are sick?
Should we allow one partner to intentionally demoralize the other partner just because they are bipolar and we should understand? Maybe the bipolar person should make and attempt to understand what his/her disease is doing to him/herself and those around them. It might get them out of their own head and into their heart to feel again what its like to love and give to another.
My daughter went to europe a lovely girl of 25 came back at 30 so angry to me?she us now married 40 and with an 18 month old.She completley demorrelises her husband to the point where hes told me hes there because of Ruby.They have no married life and hes always wrong
She insults and belittles me so much im scared if her.But its only to us????no one else would ever guess this went on.Shes clever talented and a wonderful mumma but seems to hate me and now her spouse? They are in coun elling which has in Two years accomplished nothing.She does not fit into any of the senarios so what to do?Help.
I found the article helpful. However even though I had discussed my plan of action should my husband become unwell, he still ranted at me for writing that phrase ” I believe you are becoming unwell” and then proceeded to deteriorate. This morning as I tried to get him to get help he shouted don’t treat me like a child and ended with oh you f***ing b***h then ran to his vehicle and barreled off. The police picked him up and held him for psych assessment.i am miserable. I have had my husband and best friend locked up and he hates me right now. I know it’s not him but it hurts.
desperately need advice off yourself or anyone whos been going though what I’m currently going though. I’m 28 and my partner also is, We have been together two years at the start of the relationship everything was fine call it the honeymoon period. After a couple of months i found out my partner had been in a domestic violence relationship and has aniexty problems. She was up and down in her moods and had weight issues where she constantly saying she was fat when she was far from fat. I tryed comforting her by saying she was beautiful ignore what other people are saying but she would go silent on me and get very withdrawn. Her aniexty got really bad and shes currently suffering from a bad case of depression i struggle to understand how to comfort her anything i say is wrong. We are rowing over petty things and i dont want this to ruin our relationship can you please give me advice she goes very withdrawn doesnt want to be round anyone other than her son. I dont no what to say when she goes like this please help ps she was recently diagnosed with bioplar
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