I know that the fastest way to despair is by comparing one’s insides with another’s outsides, and that Max Ehrmann, the author of the classic poem “Desiderata,” was absolutely correct when he said that if you compare yourself with others you become either vain or bitter, or, as Helen Keller put it: “Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged.”
But Helen and Max don’t keep me from going to the land of comparisons and envy. Before long, I’m salivating over someone else’s book contract, or blog traffic numbers, or “Today Show” appearance. Then I have to pull out my set of directions–these 8 techniques–that will lead me out of the continent of jealousy and home, to self-acceptance:
1. Get more information.
Most of the time we envy one quality about a person, and we presume the rest of her qualities are as perfect as the one we want. That’s usually not the case. Think Rain Man. Boy did he know how to count those straws and play poker. But his social skills needed some fine-tuning, yes? Do some research on the person you want to temporarily destroy and you will find that she has her own set of problems and weaknesses. Moreover, if you consider her success in context, you’ll see that she hasn’t always been a superstar–that maybe, just maybe, back when you got a blue ribbon for the fastest freestyle swimmer in the 7 to 8 age group, she was afraid to dive in the pool or couldn’t figure out how to swim without getting water up her nose. My point: you don’t have the full story. Once you do, you’ll feel better. I think.
2. Compliment her.
“WHAT?!? You can’t be serious,” you’re thinking to yourself. Actually I am. I have tried it numerous times and it works. Last year I came across a blogger I envied. She had two degrees from Yale. (I scored 1,000 on my SATs). Her books were bestsellers. (I had just received a royalty statement that said more copies of my book were returned than sold.) Her Technorati score (blog traffic) was, well, much better than mine.
So…. I did something very counterintuitive. I e-mailed her to tell her how impressed I was with her, and I would very much like to interview her on Beyond Blue. When I started reading through her blogs, I found this great story about her feelings of insecurity regarding a fellow writer whom she felt somewhat threatened by because he was writing on the same topics as she was. What did she do about it? She contacted him and took him out to lunch.
I couldn’t believe that she had moments of insecurity too! I mean, she’s got two Yale degrees! Nowhere in her bio did it mention insecurity. But by complimenting her, and connecting with her, and dare I say befriending her, I learned that she is just like me–with some outstanding strengths but some fears and reservations and insecurities, as well.
3. Do one thing better than her.
This suggestion comes from Beyond Blue reader Plaidypus who wrote this as an assignment I gave everyone to list what they believe in:
I believe that if you don’t succeed at first … you keep trying… and that failure teaches us about success… I believe that laughter is the best medicine… I believe that the best revenge against your enemies is to dress better than them…
I absolutely loved the “dress better than your enemy” directive because it reminds us that we can always find one thing that we can do better than our friend-nemesis. If matching designer outfits gives you a boost of confidence, knock yourself out! If competing in a triathlon just to prove that you are in better shape than your mean cousin with a great figure will help, sign up!
4. Put the ladle (and the running shoes) away.
Early on in my writing career, my mentor Mike Leach would say to me (when I panicked at spotting a more popular book on a certain topic than mine): “Her success doesn’t take away from yours. … Her numbers have nothing to do with yours.” I always remember that when I start thinking like a gerbil … that there is only one food bowl, and if you don’t get to it first and take as much as you need for an entire year, you and your whole gerbil family will die. Or, if you’re Italian, mom has made one pot of pasta, so you had better dig in and eat before your selfish brother ingests your portion.
I repeat: one person’s success doesn’t rob another of success. In fact, success can often breed success.
50 comments
Wow, Therese, another home run! I’m green with envy. Oops! I mean, I can really learn so much from you!
Envy, along with gluttony, are at the top of my vice list. It seems to know where the little holes are in my self-esteem fabric. Whenever it pricks me I ask myself, “If you could, would you swap your life for hers?” and the answer is always no. I’m happy where I am.
I think the most important tips of all that you gave were to “find yourself” and “do your best.” If you find yourself and do the best you can with what you’ve got, you can become just as successful (if not more) than the person you’re envying.
It’s quite saddening that people become so envious that they either want to “destroy” the other person or compete. I think the most significant advice to anyone feeling envious of another is to remember that life is not always what is seems. Many people have problems and if they don’t now…they will. No one is exempt from problems or pain…that’s just unrealistic.
Another thing to consider is that being envious of someone is shallow. It’s unfortunate we waste our time being this way and that our society has indirectly taught us to place much emphasis on what someone else has. Instead of being proud of them or feeling content with ourselves, we strike out at them?? What sense does that truly make once you dissect the situation.
Insecurities, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, etc. are real feelings, but they are irrational. What people in these types of situations need to remember is that being jealous of someone else, only makes you look worse, further detracts from your internal/external characteristics, and should make you feel bad about your behavior. If you think about it…envy is mainly negative and doesn’t benefit the person being envious and the person being envied. I was envied all my life and it did nothing but put a sour taste in my mouth for people like this. It took greater maturity to see that I was not the problem.
There are situations in which we do feel insecure or perhaps inadequate, but actually wanting to compete with someone or do better than them because of envy is really, well, quite immature. Furthermore, complimenting someone because you’re jealous of them, doesn’t really work. It has been done to me and it is the most insincere compliment someone can give. Sometimes that compliment is accompanied by a dirty look, envious tone of voice, stare, or sarcastic tone. It doesn’t work.
The best advice I can give…try to become comfortable with what you have, who you are, and your capabilities. No one should be envied, especially those who are not arrogant and flaunting themselves.
http://www.lifehacker.com.au/2008/09/workplace_envy_hurts_productivity_study_shows-2/
I think it’s all about contentment. But not apathy. It’s been a little struggle myself, but I’ve realized that when you are striving for the destination, you have to also embrace the journey.
And giving your “competitor” a genuine compliment does indeed work. It counteracts the thoughts inside, makes the other person feel good which – in turn – makes you feel good. It’s a win-win situation requiring some start-up effort.
I am very impressed by the tone that you used for this piece. It helps readers to view you as “human”; it makes it easier to relate. As a result, readers feel better able to “listen” to what you say and put it to action. Unlike one of the experts who wrote a response to your writing, you avoided the “expert” tone that seems to “preach”. Instead, you admitted that you too have to reign in the human tendency to envy. Thank you for modeling this technique for me.
Theresa, M.S.
It DOES help to “do one thing better than her,” as you suggest… but I don’t think that’s a psychologically healthy way to cope with the situation. When you’re jealous, it’s not about the other person — it’s about you. At least for me, when I envy something in someone else, it’s the result of my perception (sometimes right, sometimes wrong) of a shortcoming in myself. What helps me the most is getting the focus off the other person — so what if she is better at me than something? She’s not competing with me, and if I create an imaginary competition with her in my head, it’s just going to kick off an ongoing cycle of jealousy, leading to more and more bad feelings.
Very well put Liz.
Thank you for writing about that perspective of the situation. I can certainly agree. For the most part, when you are envious of someone, it is just a reflection of the feelings you have about yourself or the perception (false or correct) that you have of your life. The best thing to do is to try to understand what it is about your internal or external self that makes you envious of another person. This would be considered cognitive behavioral therapy. Changing your thinking about yourself, may help you change your thinking about another person.
It is all about working on you and not competing with the other person, trying to be better, falsely complimenting her or him. None of those things will heal you, but only make you feel worse about you.
Good point Liz!
For the most part, I do agree with the points that you mentioned in your steps to overcome envy and jealousy. However, they seemed to mostly apply to professional and career-related envy from what I could depict. Your examples of “bloggers envy” and describing scenarios of how to find out more info about your friend-enemesis so you won’t feel like they are so completely perfect and will have the whole story behind them and their imperfections that they might have had in their past is a very valid method for leaching out potential jealousy issues, but I feel that this pertains mostly to career-aspiring divas. One thing that you did not mention, but is a very hot and touchy subject, especially with women, unfortunately, is SEXUAL jealously. Now THAT one is hard to handle, believe me! I have struggled with that issue for years, and with more than one man! I don’t even have to know the woman, ever have met her, have seen her, even have seen a picture of her! Just knowing her name is enough to stir the fires of rage throughout my body…knowing that she slept with my ex-boyfriend! Now I probably know that is not a normal reaction, or is it? I really don’t know because I am probably not a normal type person since I have gone through so many dysfunctional relationships in my past, so I tend to be very sensitive about anything involving the past, and YES, a man’s past is important to me and I do want to know about it and I will tell a guy about all of my past as well, but if he lies to me about any of his past and I find out about it….OMG! Well, there you have it! The beginning of the sexual jealousy thing all over again….it’s a never-ending cycle!
Well, this helped me a little.. but I have this problem with jealousy, rather, envy.. over another girl.. finally having my long time male interest as a boyfriend. I have no idea who she is, because she goes to his school, but I get just.. like I want to destroy her.. so she can’t have him and I can.. which is totally irrational.. because I’ve liked this person for a long time and its obvious that he doesn’t have the same feelings or else he would have done something about it by now.. and all this silly envy seems so petty and stupid because its the stuff of high schoolers (im 23). I don’t know how to ever get over being jealous of his new girl, or jealous of any female i see him in pictures with. Maybe its the distance, and the fact that I don’t live in the same town as he does anymore (well at least while he’s in school)…
I found this very helpful- It came during a time of discouragement. Life is such hard work sometimes.
My husband had a cyber space affair with 3 women over time 3 years ago. I am bipolar and this situation just ate away at me. I knew for 6 weeks what was going on but I was in such shock and denial that I let it fester inside me. I finally confronted him and he confessed. He said it had stopped and I forgave him. The thing is it is 3 years later and I am still bugged by this. I still cannot see someone who resembles one of those women and not get jealous and bitter. I am now suspicious of him with a couple other women as we have moved to a new town miles away from where he had the affairs. Now I know cyber space is fantasy but I am old fashioned and it really broke my heart. I graduate college today and he treats me well now and swears he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me. What can I do about the jealousy? I just cannot seem to let it go. Help!
Brilliant! This is just what I needed. I’m 34 and I just went back to school after the “financial meltdown”.Now I have the time to stop and look at my friends and not-so-close friends who completed their degrees and have been with great companies. Although, I must admit I was quite jealous I have found ways of telling myself to “run my own race” .Thank u for giving me some extra pointers.
Fully instructive, everyone cannot be the same, want you as an individual want work for it, help others along the way, you will feel good about yourself and less time to be jealous of others.
My problem with envy involves a new coworker who is so stellar, she makes us all look like crappy workers, even though we have been diligent and dedicated workers for years. She comes in an hour early, works through her lunch hour and leaves late. She is two steps ahead of everyone at all times. She answers all questions before anyone else has a chance to. She is quick to point out anyones (however small) slip ups, and she kisses up to the boss. I am happy to give others their due when it comes to a job well done, but, I find her very threatening. when she first started working here, I reached out to her and helped her with work and in making contacts, etc. Now I find myself protecting my job territory and not telling her anything unless I have to. I feel sad and ashamed.
My problem with jealousy and envy comes from the fact that I feel like ever since I was born, things are just taken from me or I have all of the crappy situations thrown at me. There are all of these people that came from loving functioning families and had a lot of support. I didn’t find function in my family until I was 23. I was alsways shy and quiet and nice and yet hated and often bullied and verbally abused and made fun of by my peers because I was an easy target. I’ve carried years of hurt with me that I continually have to work to let go. It’s hard not to get envious of the person that grew up with a lot of loving support and meets a fantastic charismatic man that showers her with love and sings her songs of romance or has an adventurous spirit and can show her the world.
The worst part is when it is your best friends that you are struggling not to be envious of.
I adore Dr. T’s insightful professionally expert wisdom. I find it right on. My thoughts towards envy and jealousy is they are bedsore down to the bone necrotic. Its unloving to covet what another has, selfish, self-centered, immature… How bout the thought of the strengths and weaknesses of the 4 temperamnets and how all come to an harmonious blend…? Yes I envied my sister’s popular sanguine personality so I had to analyze myself to see that I was unappreciative of my own striped pattern and wanted to strip her of her gifts… The adjustment is: celebrate the other’s envied gifts and play your own instrument’s toot. I am flute/piccolo and she is sax–we all are not isolated musical tones but part of a symphony of beautiful music–how boring if it was all solo–we need fullness of all sections of base, brass, percussion, treble, cowbell…
Thanks again, Therese for such beautiful insight. Annie, believe me, few things in life are worst than the pain inflicted by an unfaithful spouse. I would like to suggest that you set yourself free by accepting the love that God has for you, and the fact that He is a present help in the time of need as He promised to be. Connect with those who stress this fact. This would be an excellent starting point. Blessings.
I let the mind continue thinking that way and move deeper into the moment. What I see then is, I am being shown some aspect of myself, that is making me uncomfortable because of the feelings of frustration, uncertainty,anxity or restlessness, then I realize what is really happenings is that this which is showing up in thought or form, in fact, is placed there to wear down the personal will that is trying to claim ownership over reality of which is simpy only a concept and an idea within. So you simply love that part of you that refuses to be at one with you, by loving that part in others, that is why they are there, to show you how to love all of you, evan your concept and ego. There will never be a greater gift than the love you give yourself. Love yourself the way you want to be loved by others,talk lovingly and nurture and be kind to yourself the same way you would for a love one who has come to you for love, and then start loving all those around you as if you are so full of love that you have to give it away for they are all eternal beings, which shows itself in infinate ways.
i send my love to all who read this and in doing that I know I receive much in return.
I think it’s interesting that you chose female jealousy and painted the title like it’s the same thing for men and women.
it’s not. Men also feel jealous and threatened and insecure, but it often has controlling side…….because of insecurity or perhaps something else.
i think male jealousy is very important to address because it so often leads to battery and murder.
Thank you for the great tips! They really help!
I enjoyed the tips! These are great and I will try my best to do one thing better than her.
Hmm, the gut wrenching evil green meanies. Had ’em all my life. Great advice. And I’m jealous — they would NEVER have trusted a 65-year-old man in a room with me. hmf.
Good Points,
But I am envious of your name, Therese Borchard,It sounds so French…so chic…I am a Francophile. Au Revoir Therese…But seriously, I was rarely bitten by the jealousy bug when I was younger as an older woman now I find jealousy and insecurity seeping into my life. And it is Hell Darling.
When I have a man I truly love and he is looking at playboy or some of the things on TV it makes me feel small like I will never be good enough or measure up to his expectations physically.
I feel like I can’t trust a man with a wondering heart, and eye even though I am also very beautiful. Just never good enough ….
I know my man loves and adores me, but because of this reason I feel very sad,, and not special at all….
Why do I feel like everyone thinks there is nothing wrong with having a wondering eye?
Or thinking about someone else in an intimate way?
What can I do to change my thoughts about this,
and why do I feel so alone on this issue?
When ever I bring up this subject I am made to feel like something is wrong with me for not being more understanding about porn,, etc ….
Is there something wrong with me …
Does anyone feel the same as me out there?
I wish I could understand how to be ok with this Bull shit ….
Wylee
Great article. Rather than give power to others to define us – act the way we want to be. Success is a state of mind that can be cultivated regardless of what one has accumulated.
Excellent artical,
Im enjoying the progression of sharing. Its fascinating to see that much of this ends up with how we are veiwd to the oposite sex. Our looks, abilites,and our charater . I think it’s nice to compliment a person as way to open the door to actually get to know the person we envy better and see they have struggles too and are not perfect even though they really are quite close.
If I’m in a situation where I’m not chosen and another woman is say in a want to date or be a friend situation or if its marraige and my husband would find another more apealing. i find the best remedy is to remove myself and let them , Not hang around and torture myself. Go about my life cultivating what im finding to be specail about me beause the other just doesn’t seem to notice or want other aspects of me for various reasons.
This is important to do and have hopes someone will choose me and I them.
Thank you for the oportunity to share.
Crystal
My problem has always been I’ve never been jealous of Rainman’s ability to count, it was his social skills I wished I could emulate.
Well that isn’t true, it’s the ability to say something without the hangups of conscience I admire.
Some of the funniest things you’ll ever hear, provided they are not directed at you, are those said by people who appear to have absolutely no moral compass. Of course it only works if you can pull off an air of Rainman-like idiosyncrasy.
If you show even the slightest sign that you understood what you’ve just said, it’s no longer funny, it’s offensive.
Here’s my tip, and it very effectively worked for me: Practice feeling good for other people’s success. Force yourself to. This is the opposite of comparing yourself to others.
At first it doesn’t work very well, but keep at it for a few months and it will become part of your personality.
This worked for me. I found that it freed me from a lot of anxiety, and from reactive materialism in trying to keep up with others. It freed me up to concentrate on things that really interest me.
I’ve been struggling with envy for some time now. I never graduated from college. Lately, through social networking, I found out that most of my classmates are now successful at their careers. Some have cars and own place , travels a lot. I don’t have any of those that’s why I envy them to the point that I wish them bad things … and I hate myself for feeling this way. But how could I stop myself from feeling this. I just don’t know what to do. And yes, it is making me unhappy already. I need help so bad.
This is in response to Wylee’s post date May 21st.
I have the exact same feelings as you! I just do not understand why I cannot overcome these feelings. I beat myself up over it. Why can’t I be normal like veryone else and be ok if my husbands eye wanders??? Why do I get insanely jealous when my husband is looking at beautiful women half naked or naked?
I know that I’m not an un-attractive women. I’ve competed in figure contests before, so I know at 5’7″ at between 140-145# that I look great at the edge of 40yrs….BUT….why do I look at myself and not seeeeee what he says he sees? AND if he see’s this amazing, sexy, gorgeous person then WHY does he need to bother looking at another women? Why am I not enough?
He doesn’t do it often but in the rare occasions that I catch him the little self asteem that I’ve been able to build up just goes out the door and then my thoughts are completely filled with doubt and distrust. Then I start wondering…what IS he doing when I’m not around? Is he ‘searching’ out that bikini contest when he heads to Bike week at the Beach with all guy friends?
I just want to get rid of these feelings and I have absolutely no idea how.
I know I’m dragging in insecurity issues from my previous relationships. My first love decided to physcially touch a stripper intimately and unfortunately I witnessed it. I never got over the trust and violation that I felt and ended a 7 year relationship. Then my ex-husband would totally deny me any kind of physical relationship, which made me feel fat and ugly…but I know I wasn’t.
My husband now treats me like a queen. He truly is my soul mate. I’d never give him up for the world…so WHY can I NOT get over not feeling good enough that he wouldn’t WANT to check out other women and then deny it????
I am eating myself up over this. Can anyone please give me some kind of direction? Insight?
Sherry
I can relate completely to wylee and sherry, i have just found the most wonderful man who adores me, i have one breast and carrying alot of weight due to treatment for breast cancer, i am frightened to introduce him to my pretty friends,to go on holiday, hate him watching music video’s that are (to put it bluntly) full of tits and arse. I will destroy this longed for love if i carry on with these destructive thoughts, i have always had them and have been close to suicide, even after fighting cancer, which logically i know is ridiculous and selfish.I torture myself and make myself extremely sad. My man trys to reassure me and we talk about it but basically i would be asking him to remove his eyes wouldn’t i. really really need help. Kitty
Thank you for these comments. I guess, many times we forget just how blessed we are and we run off to compare our insides to someone else’s outside’s. I have also applied the ‘compliment your nemesis suggestion’ and it works…….
Rain Man was a fictitious hero, was not he?
Rain Man was based on a real person. He has had numerous documentaries about him and although the storyline was made up, he is an incredibly gifted and extrordinary person, and just like in the film his social skills are lacking. It seems that because his mental abilities in some areas are so advanced they detract elsewhere. I believe he is a savant. It’s actually very interesting :0)
I have a horrible problem when I am around beautiful women. I am a woman and have been told I am beautiful but when I see beautiful women I just want to die. I feel I am not good enuf. For a while I worked on getting in shape and enjoying myself more, more acceptance etc. now I have been on prednisone and it caused weight gain. I don’t understand the idea that men can lust after the “cultural ideal” but be walking around holding our hands. feels like a betrayal. Maybe I have not met the right person. I don’t want to try anymore. If someone could help me PLEASE!
I’m sure you look good on your weight, all those negative feelings aren’t real, you can fight them and defeat them. And it doesn’t matter if there is someone holding your hand or not, “happiness” is something we have to find by ourselves.
I am doing a little talk on envy and jealousy and came across your article during my research. I just needed to take a minute and tell you that this was hilarious, refreshing, and encouraging. Nice to see I’m not alone.
I have a friend-nemesis like this one. It’s honestly hard dealing with these kind of people, because you end up harboring negative emotions which turns you into something like them. I don’t hate this girl before, but she started getting jealous with every achievement I get socially and academically (little or big). It was hard because she would suddenly give me this silent treatment for days without me understanding why. As time passes by, I slowly started to realize I’m acting like her; I started to feel pissed or annoyed whenever she blatantly shows off.
It’s not healthy, so I backed off. If she wants the limelight too much, then I’d willingly give it to her if it makes her that happy.
Glad you were honest about your jealousy towards others. Maybe what you said is a female thing. Still males do act the same way but maybe more aggressively or maybe it’s similar. I don’t understand jealousy I know it exist but just can’t grasp how people can feel negative towards positive. It has to be one of the worst things known to man. shame on you for feeling that way and trying Yo justify or put remedites to fix it or 8 ways to make yourself feel better about it. here’s one simple way to counter jealousy. Just don’t do it. Don’t even think about. Don’t have those feelings at all. Just like yourself and let the other shine. Congratulate other genuinely and not secretly do it out of envy. Bring others up not down. Now I know how others whom are jealous feel towards me not pretty.
I just want you to know that you just pulled me out of a crisis right now. I just had a melt down when I found that my friend got into a team that I had to work my but off to get into, and she got in because a vacant was just opened. I felt like she was taking away something that was kind of MY thing, but I feel much better now. Thank you so much.
It’s important to teach to do NOT hate in case you can’t reach it….
It’s important to teach to do not FEEL sad for someone else’s hapiness in case you can and in case you can’t get what you desire….
It’s important to teach to do not make an association between your happiness and the happiness of another in a non-coexisting manner….
and what else would be important…. well there’s nothing left… “thank” you for this bunch of words unimportant webpage….
thanks a lot, it helped me great deal.. by the time i reached 7th point, i was feeling refreshed and don’t feel the jealousy/envy anymore. i’ve always been 2nd at everything in school and i still feel competitive with the 1st rank holders. if i hear any news about them i go into depression thinking why i’m not better than them and that sucks!! i’m at a good job and have a good husband, yet feel like i’m at rock bottom when i hear about them. and actually i’m better than them at a few things but when i hear about their career, i grow weak.. i work at cisco(i know it’s a good company) but they work in yahoo! and all. that makes me feel like i lack something.. i love networking and i don’t think i will be happy working for yahoo!, i must be crazy to feel jealousy.. anyway, your article made me feel and finally.. finally i guess i can let go..
Thank you for your honesty and your wisdom!
We should always be grateful for who we are, what we have and what other people have. In my opinion, this is the best way to overcome jealousy.
Just wanted to take a moment and say thank you. I was really saturated with envy this morning, which is a rare and uncomfortable emotion for me. (In fact, it took me a few days of soul-searching to identify exactly what was wrong with me, why I was in such a funk.) Your article was exactly what I needed. Thanks for your talent that did good in the world today!
Being envy is normal, being a human is not being perfect, is there any instance were humans was contended in what they have? No whenever there is an object that you desired but only the others cabn get it there will always be envy as for my problem we have a maid that my parents adored more than me and my siblings. No matter what we do my parents are as if blinded still adores our maid. So we are vrr very envious. As of now there is still tension in our house
Awesome post – many ways of thinking and helping ourselves out of jealousy/envy – thank you!
I like this tone as well, but I really think the “do one thing better than her” is off. That’s just another version of one-upping someone else. Not the answer.
I believe selfishness to be the cause, and selflessness to be the answer. When we can genuinely “self sacrifice” to do something good for someone else and get our stinking eyes off ourselves, that’s when change will start moving in. Not feeding the beast in another form, you know?
In the past few months has this ugly monster of jealousy and insecurity has reared it’s ugly head…and I don’t like it one bit. I’m in tears every evening on one hand because I feel like my peer is outperforming me, and I hate it, and on the other hand I’m feeling guilty because I’m insanely jealous of what she’s accomplishing. All points are answers to my self-inflicted emotional and mental despair, but especially #4, #5, and #8. Thank you, I can now hold my head high…
Thank you so much for this blog.
I have been struggling to fight this thing for years. It made me lose my very little confidence even more.
I have learned a lot though I am not really a blogger. I was able to see myself in most of your scenarios.
Please continue to make more blogs that would help people like us who are struggling on emotional stuff.
Again thank you and may you have a more exciting life and career!
M.P.
i don’t agree with the article at all.