While most of the time we try and stay positive here on World of Psychology, every now and again reality sucker-punches us back to our senses (although not personally affecting me).
The fact remains that despite our wise advice over the years, we haven’t budged the divorce rate in the U.S. (not that we thought we could!). Most relationships fail — there’s simply no way to argue with it.
So maybe it would help some of our readers to catch a sign of their failing relationship before it’s too late. Sure, we all would like to think that we could see the end of our relationship coming from a mile away. But truth is, many of us need a little help.
To that end, here are 8 ways you can bet you’re ruining your relationship and heading to splitsville.
1. Take your partner for granted.
There’s no better way to help hurry the end of the relationship than to just assume your partner is always there to make your life easier. Whether it’s by going to work or staying at home, cooking dinner or doing the grocery shopping, the ins and outs of our every day existence can take an especially hard toll when it comes to taking that special someone in our lives for granted.
Acknowledge your significant other’s efforts to your joint relationship and life together (no matter who is doing what). Say “Thank you” and “please” for being served something or for someone doing you a favor. After all, you wouldn’t treat a stranger in your home in that manner, so why would you treat the one you love any worse?
2. Stop talking.
Remember the start of your relationship? You couldn’t stop talking! You might’ve spent all night talking to one another, or countless hours on the phone or cuddled up on a couch somewhere.
Relationships die when the two people in it stop talking. And I don’t mean actual, physical talking (“We talk all the time!”). I mean the kind of real, honest conversations that couples have all the time at the beginning of a relationship, but which fade over time. Here’s help for improving your communication with your partner.
That fading is a natural progression in most relationships. The key is to not let that fading turn into never having those real conversations (which aren’t about the kids, your jobs, or what you read on TMZ today).
3. Stop expressing your feelings.
As we go along in a relationship, it’s also natural to stop saying, “I love you” as often. Or showing anger when you’re angry at your partner, or showing adoration when you’re feeling especially loving toward them. It’s as if the extremes of our emotions are taken away, and all we have left is a lot of moderate, unsexy feelings.
As much as you might think those feelings are too boring to share, they remain just as important to share. Yes, the passionate feelings at the beginning of any relationship tend to fade for most people. But that doesn’t mean you stop feeling, or that you should stop telling your loved one how you feel.
4. Stop listening.
Nobody likes to not be heard. So there’s no better way to kill a relationship than to stop listening to what your partner has to say.
It shows a lack of respect for the person, and of course your significant other will pick up on the fact that you’re no longer listening. If nobody’s listening, how can a relationship grow or thrive? Especially important is something called active listening, which shows your partner you’re actively engaged in the conversation.
5. Kill the fun.
We hook up together in life for many reasons — shared perspectives and outlooks, physical attraction, shared spirituality, shared professional lives, etc. But we also enjoy one another’s company because it’s fun!
When fun leaves a relationship, it can be a sign that the relationship is heading to the rocks. Fun is a part of life and it’s definitely a part of any healthy relationship. However you and your significant other define fun, it’s important to keep doing it even as your relationship matures.
Love to dance but haven’t been in years? It’s time to make a new dance date. Met while hiking or kayaking, but haven’t made time to do it in months (or years)? Pack the backpack and get your outdoors on.
6. Nitpick.
Boy, am I guilty of this one! I’ve probably nitpicked a few past relationships into an early death. Not because I wanted to, but because it was a personal concern whose impact I never fully understood (until it was too late).
Nobody likes being told what to do, or how to do it. While some people may be more open to “suggestions” than other from their helpful partner, it can also be seen as nitpicking for little good reason.
Really? There’s a “better” way to clean the sink? That’s nice… use it the next time you do it then.
When I want to nitpick nowadays, I just keep in mind that if I want to go to the trouble of offering unrequested advice, I might as well suggest I do it myself. Or just do it next time myself, without having someone needing to ask.
Nitpicking may be a sign of needing to “control” others, but it may also just be a sign of the way some people were brought up. In any case, it’s a bad habit and one you should try and curtail in your relationship.
7. Threaten.
Wow, threatening your significant other is such a turn-on. Yeah, no it’s not. Whether you’re threatening to leave, chop off a bit of anatomy, tell someone’s parents, or find a better life in Maui, it’s never a good sign for a healthy relationship.
Threats are often made in an act of desperation or feeling like a situation is out of control — the threat is an attempt to regain control. However, threats are juvenile and more suited for children’s temper tantrums than an adult, mature relationship.
When a partner resorts to threats, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship’s long-term potential.
8. Ignore your partner.
They say the one thing worse than being hated by someone is simply to be ignored by them. Being ignored means the person doesn’t even care enough to waste the energy of anger on you.
The same is true with relationships. If you take a lot of the previous tips and add them together, you have active ignoring. If you’re ignoring your partner (or vice-a-versa) for any period of time longer than a few days, that’s a sure sign the relationship is in trouble.
You don’t hook up with a person only to be ignored by them. If anybody wanted that, we’d simply go relive our high school prom. (Ooops, I shared too much!)
The good news is that these signs don’t necessarily mean your relationship is over. There is always hope, especially when both of your recognize some of these signs and decide you want to reconnect to try and grow your relationship.
If you can’t do it on your own — and a weekend getaway may be a good way to try — don’t fret. Although it may sound scary or extreme to think about, this is exactly what couple’s counseling is for. Any good couple’s therapist can help most couples improve their relationship in just a few sessions (although it may take more than a few, depending upon the seriousness of the problems).
Talk to your partner about your concerns. Then seek help if your own personal attempts to help improve the relationship don’t work out. I believe a great number of relationships have the possibility of being saved, if both partners are committed to working on changing it — and then take action.
65 comments
Hi Dr, John – Like your article, real succinct and to the point! But I beg to differ with what you say aboput any good couples therapist can improve a relationship in a few sessions. As a couples therapist myself, yes, there can be small shifts in a few sessions, but therapists are not magicians, and often there are deeply imbedded patterns from one or both partners pasts that constantly impact the relationship,issues such as child abuse, sexual abuse, mental illness, etc…so just wanted to adjust the public’s expectations out there!
Hi Kathy — I agree, and I was probably a bit too breezy in suggesting that most problems can be fixed in a few sessions.
Some couples have serious relationship issues that may require more than 6 or 8 sessions to fix. But many couple’s relationship issues can be addressed in 12 sessions or less… so I want to emphasize that — especially in younger relationships, or relationships that are undergoing an unusual stressor (such as the newly-married couple).
But the things you mentioned — a partner’s child abuse, mental illness in one partner, etc. — are things not usually best dealt in couples counseling. These are more serious issues best dealt with in individual psychotherapy, since they focus primarily on the individual. Indeed, addressing such issues may take months or even years of individual psychotherapy. And such issues can directly impact a relationship.
Couple’s counseling and relationship therapy are best focused on the relationship itself — helping the couple understand one another better through improved communication skills, learning to express emotions better and more clearly, and learning the art (and necessity) of good compromise.
Surprised you didn’t mention that other huge “relationship killer”…. “defensiveness”, e.g. blocking out all our partner’s complaints (including the legitimate ones) via arguing, excuses, “stone walling”, playing “victim”, counter-complaining, etc..
Great little article, Dr. John!
In my experience doing couples counseling, I’ve found that many issues that come up are based on projecting a partner’s own issues. I often do a combination of couple’s counseling along with individual in order to get to the core issues each brings into the marriage.
Thanks for the article.
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
mat…
right on the money!
Hi Dr. John,
I am in a very rocky 4 year relationship. We love each other very much. But just seem not to be able to stop fighting. I would love to see a therapist to help us figuring out how to deal with this stress. We went for about 5 sessions earlier in the year, with some better understanding and slight improvements for a while. Now after the summer, when I brought up going back I find great resistance from my boyfriend. He tells me that he doesn’t think it will change anything and hat he doesn’t want to go.
How can I explain that this may be our only chance to improve our relationship before it is too late ?
Best. G.
I am going to have to add emotional reactivity to this list. I find that when couples are so reactive that the other cannot finish a sentence that the relationship is at high risk…Dr. Mary Gresham
You know looking back at past relationships, it just seems that one partner just does not care.
They know they are doing wrong- flirting, ignoring, criticising, etc, but do not care to stop it.
You have one partner that cares, the one who wants to keep the relationship together, and the one who doesn’t care as much.
Why the one who doesn’t care just doesn’t end it, I don’t know. Convenience perhaps. But you can not talk that person into caring. I tried talking about it it till I was blue in the face. It doesn’t work.
Hi, I have every warning sign going on. I feel so terriable everyday that my heart is broken. My husband constantly does things that are stupid. He dosen’t want to take any responsability for our house and family. He has a DUI and hasn’t driven for the last 6 years, and he dosen’t even try to get his license back. he has no clue about our bills, money anything that has to do with our life. He wont help with the cars, fix anything, he has no friends, so I am also responsabile for any social activities. He hardly talks, is very defensive about eveyrhting. We have our own bussiness and he always screws up by not calling the clients, forgetting stuff, doing a so so job than on other jobs that it is not necessary he over does it. He lies about things that teenagers would, such as “did you do such and such . . .” “yes, i did (when he clearly did not)” than when he gets busted in the lie, he acts confused or like he dosen’t understand. than instead of being humble and admitting what he did, he frist denys, than minimizes, than blames me, than minimizes, than blames me. Never take responsabilite. I ask him “why are you here? do you want to be here? why do you want to be here? you live like you dont want to be here at all. I have given a date that If i dont see him being able to act like an adult, changeing acting like he loves our home and family that he has to leave.
I know thiat has made me very critical, and i seem to be at a point of being jumpy over even the slightest thing. When I start to go at it, when he starts to deny, I just get so wound up that I can stop myself, even though i know I should. so, i end up saying mean hurtful things that i shouldnt say. I am so tired of all of this that the i have started having suicidel thoughts, in which I have never had before in my life. I am feeling like I am already dead so whats the point. He does everything to me that your letter says, why do i stay here any longer? Becuase I have n o where to go nad no money, I am all alone in the world. I have no family and I dont know if i have the strength to start al over again. I am a weak person with no hope. and traped with someone that obviously doesn not love me or love our life together.
Dear Iora, Wow, if your story didn’ hit home. It was as if I had wrote it myself. First and formost at the end of your blog you said you are all alone. YOU ARE NOT! There are many people going thru the similer things you have decribed. I don’t know how long you have been married, I my self, it will be 32 years. My husband has had many DUI’S (7) the last one cost many dollars. He hadn’t worked in the past year and a half. Now he is. We own our own business too 25years. He loves to cause problems in it. He is good when he is good and bad when he is bad! does that make seance? So he works in construction and I run the business. 3 kids all grown up. He was brought up in a home with alot of verbal abuse. I realize they always tend to go back to the way they have been brought up but. GROW UP
and take responsability for yourself…He is 58. Very insecure. I’m 51 years old and it is time to have some normal time in MY life. Stress is a killer… I deal with it every day. So if you want to chat I’m here and I do understand. Good Luck
Hi, You may want to try Al-Anon Family Groups-it is for friends and families of problem drinkers-helps with relationships and with life.
Find meetings at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org.
Iora omg Are you still with this loser? Google narcissistic personality disorder. I spent 18 years with a narcissist it almost destroyed me… The lies the stone walling the drinking and eventual abuse; They never change. You make a marriage with a narcissist work by just licking their butt Smile compliment them!! And ignoring your own needs every day. No one can live like that..
The advice is good and could be applied to all relationships except maybe having too much fun with strangers. I would add to the list the importance of remembering why you like/love the person, ie the positives, and downplaying the negatives, unless of course your partner is perfect! Most should know that a perfect partner exists only when you accept someone for who they are, imperfections and all, and love them as they are and will love them even as they change because that will happen too. That is the unconditional love, which is more common in the parent child relationship.
You make it sound like something that can be so relaxing…
John – I’m a little concerned at your statement that “most relationships fail.” What data are you using to support that statement? If you are saying that most relationships that do fail do so fairly quickly, okay; but to say that most marriages fail is problematic given the data we have from the CDC, Census Bureau, etc. It also doesn’t make much sense to talk about overall rates without understanding that the rates differ significantly by demographic group. In fact to talk about “most”, it is the least educated for whom rates are going up. For the more educated, rates appear to be dropping (citing Andrew Cherlin). Maybe we need more education rather than more therapy. Now if you’re referring to cohabitors as well as married partners, then, yes, most (or over 50%) don’t make it. Should they come in for therapy? Sure. If they can afford it. All sorts of mental health programs for the poor in my state have been cut back drastically.
BTW, for any sort of counseling advice to work, commonsense would suggest that both parties have to be reasonably mentally “healthy” to begin with. It’s certainly doomed to failure if even one partner is an undiagnosed Narcissist, clinically Depressed, Bi-Polar, ADHD, OCD, Asperger’s, or any other serious disorder. Yet as a “veteran” of various “couples counselors” (each with their own different philosophies!), this possibility surprisingly never comes up, despite the fact that a clinically defined mental illness statistically afflicts over 20% of the population (at least 1 in 5).
Sometimes it is advisable that one or both attend counseling alone…before bringing the couple in a session together. In my past, I have found issues that I needed to work on within myself…and in some cases it was my mate. Those are tough to work out when you are ALSO trying to get your head into the relationship. Sometimes a psych break is necessary. Best to all!
MB
Ann — How many romantic relationships are most people in throughout their adult lives? 3? 6? Some number greater than 1 for most of us. How many of those relationships would we say were successful? If it didn’t end in cohabitation or marriage (depending upon how you define “success”), one could argue the relationship failed if the two people decided to go their own ways in the end.
With a divorce that still hovers around 50 percent (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm ), yes, I’d say most relationships fail. Because the divorce rate doesn’t take into account folks who remain in an unhappy marriage for other reasons (children, societal judgment, etc.).
G. – It’s hard to get someone into treatment if they don’t see the reason or need for it. You can try a number of different approaches, but sticking with a rationale, logical reasoning approach might work best in this sort of situation. List out the reasons on a piece of paper of how counseling has helped in the past with certain issues, and what issues still remain to be worked on. A person who loves and wants to grow in their relationship with their significant other will acknowledge the truth in such a list and open their minds to going back to counseling.
lora – I’m very sorry to read about your situation. If he isn’t open to going to counseling to work on these issues, you have to ask yourself the questions everyone at one time or another is forced to face —
Even healthy relationships have times of stress and arguing. The key is that the two people in the relationship maintain respect for one another, and weather the storm intact and sometimes even stronger for the experience (because it brings new insight and understanding into one another’s motivations and thoughts).
Sometimes, too, we hold on longer to a relationship than we should. We are so scared of the unknown, of being alone and we can be so good at trying to hope for the best, we stay in an unhealthy relationship far longer than is good for us.
Good luck in your decision.
My husband and I have been married twice to each other. The first time was only about 18 months. We had a son and a daughter, and when we divorce he kept our son and I kept our daughter ( every other week or so one of us having the other child as well.) We got back together 9 years later and remarried 2 years after that and have been married for almost 9 years now. The problem I guess Is that our children (grown now) although we are both natural parents of both, it was though we were a blended family so there was a lot of jealousy and sibling rivalry, more so than normal i think. Not only that but my Husband and I couldn’t agree on things like chores, he gave them allowance and didn’t feel they needed to do anything to earn it. So therefore it ended up that neither had any chores they were REQUIRED to do and ended up me doing most everything. I think certain things should be talked about extensively before entering a relationship especially when planning to have kids or combining a family. Number one being what is expected of the children and how you raise them. That was the source of most of our arguments and still is as our oldest son still lives at home and still doesn’t do much. Thats just my advice for new relationships 🙂
Yikes…i’m guilty of atleast two of these! Thanks for giving me a wakeup call:)
I had all of the aforementioned for 31 years; plus physical abuse. It took a book to save my life and sanity: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; I feel it should be required reading for everyone on the planet.
In cases of abuse, one should NEVER go into counseling (with an abuser_; I experienced that nightmare, before I read the book and Patricia was right.
lora – I am sorry to hear about your relationship troubles.
Has your husband ever been evaluated by a psychologist who knows about ADD and other mental disorders? The fact that your husband is so forgetful at work, has no clue about bills or money, and has no friends sounds to me like there could be be something going on with him that is NOT an issue of “not caring” about you. There is a chance it could be untreated adult ADD, or another serious mental disorder, that is causing a lot of these problems. If that is the case, he may be responding defensively to you simply because he doesn’t know HOW to fix the problem, and giving him a date by which he needs to start “acting like an adult” won’t be a demand that he can necessarily meet without help for his problems.
Maybe if he were to see a good psychologist and get evaluated, he might just find that he was suffering from a condition like ADD that could be treated with medication and counseling, making life a whole lot better for both of you.
My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you can both find a solution to your relationship difficulties!
Lora,
It is never too late to start over. And everyone has the capability to be strong, you can definitely do it.
🙂
Best wishes,
Mandy
Never compare yourself are your relationship to others, are you will always find fault in yourself and your relationship..we are all unique and so are our lives.
With regards to “Taking your partner for granted.” I think the underlying thing that causes this is that men and women value different things. I do not care if there a dirty dishes in the sink when my Mother comes over but my wife does. I need not take for granted the work my wife has to do to get the house prepared for a visit from my mother. There are many things that come up similar to this example. I have found that the golden rule is the most important thing I have ever learned however, in a relationship it is not enough to treat your partner the way you want to be treated. You actually have to treat them the way they want to be treated.
Ben
I would never have thought that after 37 yrs. of marriage because of 23 yrs of illness would break down a marriage, but it has. Now that we both have retired and can not travel like we had planned to. BUT as if sickness was something I chose to happen. BUT now anger and becoming meanfddddddd is setting in and what am I to do. I am pretty much stuck as well as he because of money. I feel like we still have good yrs to look forward to with grand kids but he is acting selfish really making me feel guilty. Until we both can get our S.S. monies along with our pensions (10 more yrs.) for us to go our separate ways. I don’t normally wish bad things on anybody, but he better watch out. 10 yrs. is a long time so no telling what can happen. Love and happiness is more important that all the money in the world. Going brain dead for now so maybe will contime later. Tam\ke care.
I have been married for 7 years and it is coming to an end. The reason being is my husband all of a sudden thought I was cheating on him. I have known this man for about 17 years now and have always loved him even when we were just friends. The love was unconditional for me but he was incarcerated since we met, through my cousin that is. I tried everything in my power to convince him that I never cheated on him the 7 years we were married and he did not believe me. I stressed myself out to the point of my hair falling out, bags and darkness under my eyes, weight loss, and depression set in. At this time in my life I started to confide in a male friend and because he was there for me to lean on cry on I became so depending on him to make me feel like a women wants her husband to make her feel, I did cheat! I no longer wanted to wait for a man sitting in prison accusing me of things that were not true. I know feel so guilty and even wrote my husband a “please forgive me letter” and have not received a letter back in about a month. He has 8 more years to serve and I guess he is really done with me. Would I want to work out our marriage? Not while his trouble making mother is still on planet earth. Why can’t I get this man out of my mind and heart?
I read all of this and so true it is …. you just described what is my connection with my man cause after reading what you wrote , its hard to call it a relationship. Thankyou ,I needed to Read this, I am the controller and he picks as well and etc.!
Ok, I understand all this and want couples counseling…the thing is, my husband is a therapist and doesn’t believe we need to go; he tells me that the trouble is in my mind and I should go to counseling. I don’t want this marriage to fail, but I think we both need to work on it, and he doesn’t. What to do? I’m a mess.
Ok, heres one for you, my husband says we have an open marriage and to him that means if I find a man that I would like to have sex with I’m suppose to “go for it” However, he wants me to tell him about it after the fact. But then I’m thinking, is he going to hold this against me later on in life or what. So I did find someone and I was ready to “go for it” But lucky him the guy didn’t show up. Something else came up for the guy. My husband felt bad. For himself, not for me. All he could think about was he told me he hoped this other guy makes me happyer then he could. Now what am I suppose to do with that? Now its my fault. Thats what he’s telling me. Don’t you think?
These lists always show things I never did in my relationship. I feel bad but I can identify ones my partner did. I try really hard not to blame them for the break up, and try to see it objectively, and that I must have been at fault somehow, but by what I can tell I was doing all the right things.
I know I don’t get jealous and they took that badly (although they never said it to me, I found out by their younger brother a year after), but I didn’t understand why jealousy would be a good thing. It’s taken me a year and a half to figure out maybe they took my lack of jealousy as me thinking they couldn’t get anyone better, but if someones self esteem is that low I don’t know if I can do anything without them possibly seeing it badly.
It was my first relationship and I lost my best mate and many friends after we finished. I feel like a parent who got divorced and lost the custody battle. I don’t think I’m motivated to try with relationships again because these things just tell me even if I do everything right, it probably won’t work. But maybe I’m just too pessimistic. It seems like a lot of trouble if you’re going to lose friendships, which I value more. =/
Thanks for the list anyway. At least I can assure myself I wasn’t a terrible partner. =]
Dear Dr.John:
I am in a relationship where many of these concerns are occurring. Any advice would be helpful.TY
OMG my boyfriend ignores for days at a time for no reason except that it’s always when we seem to be the closest. Why does he do this?!!
Great post; relationships are such a delicate art. I highly recommend watching/reading material by Dr. Pat Love. She provides excellent guidance towards maintaining intimate relationships and truly knows what she is talking about. She narrows it down to four basic actions one must take to improve a couple’s relationship. Dr. Love is leading a CE webinar next week on this topic. I encourage all of you to look into it. (I included a link below)
http://bit.ly/DrPatLoveWebinar
This article fits my boyfriend to the tee!!!!!!!!!!
If this column describes your boyfriend/Girlfriend…
then look up Aspergers.
silent treatments are abusive to the other spouse.
Would you please elaborate on the following statement? “If this column describes your boyfriend/Girlfriend…
then look up Aspergers”. Just curious about how the article relates to Autism. Thank you.
Stop Look Listen, train on track
I broke up with my bf of 2.5 yrs because he became a world class asshole. We were both talking about marriage when he told to move countries to be with him. During the time of relocation, his dad passed away so we were both undergoing a lot of stress (he was dealing with his dad’s death and I had problems coping with being in a new country and new school lifestyle when previously, I had been working for the past 15 years). I pushed aside my stress to be there for him for the 1st 3+ months and when i couldnt cope anymore, I turned to him when he showed signs that he coping better only to have him insult me, like telling to go to 3 different supermarkets to do the grocery shopping when I said I had problems coping with the grocery runs. He had 2 cars sitting in the garage but refused to let me drive them or to bring me to the shops! And then he shut down on me and stopped listening to me when I didnt show any enthusiasm when he bought his 3rd car. All this time, I failed to see that he had become guarded but we stopped talking after that. For the next 4-5 months until I broke up with him, we stopped communicating but he still took me for granted that I would be there for him to cook his meals, wait up for him for dinner and run his errands for him, which I did because the relationship was important to me. He was also very controlling. For example, when he said he wanted to bring me shopping, we’ll only go to the shops he wanted to go to. When we went to Paris, all I wanted to see was the sacre couer and he vetoed it because it messed up with his plans and places he wanted to go to. Worse still was that he was a mommy’s boy and when the mother was around, I felt like I was the 3rd wheel in the flat. He didnt even have the guts to tell the mother that we were going to go out on a date, so she invited herself and came along! And he continued to keep telling me “no” when I wanted some sense of belonging in his flat. I knew he was going through a rough patch and said he doesnt have to do anything, I would settle things myself like get a writing table for myself. But he refused to let me do it and only got me a table 6 months after I started my course because his mother would be stuck in the bedroom when I’m doing my work at the dining table. It doesnt take a genius to figure if he got the table because he cared about my needs or the mother’s needs! And he had the audacity to order me to live with his mother after we marry which, in his words, “this topic’s not up for discussion”.
He was unhappy in the relationship because he didnt like me flaring up at him. But when I tried to talk to him, he’d brush me aside. When i raised it as a serious topic, he’d shut down. So it’ll simmer in me until I blow up. I was in a foreign land without support system and it was the loneliest and worst period of my life because my best friend had turned his back on me and tried to control me.
So yes, this site is right to say that once you stop talking to your partner, ignore them, stop expressing your feelings and take them for granted, the relationship can only go downhill. Bonus points if you are also a mommy’s boy with control issues. Instant death.
Dear Yellowbird,
I was looking up info on Marsha Linehan and DBT because I couldn’t find the book I had based on her DBT modules, and off to the side I saw a snippet of what you wrote about your boyfriend. I usually ignore pop-ups and don’t “blog”, but I was curious enough when I read just a few sentences, so I clicked on your story and read it. I feel that so many of us struggle and need to be validated and empowered by others that see our situations from their perspective, and sometimes we need to have those motivating repeated comments by people that recognize that we are settling for far less than what is normal to be expected in a loving relationship. I could relate to several general principles though the individual examples may differ or vary, but the bottom line is the same: those that do not honor our being with very basic respect cannot be right in the head if they expect that anyone would want to continue willingly, indefinitely, to “serve” them, love them unconditionally, when their poor behavior wrecks the relationship to the point that their counterpart is sacrificing their own self detrimentally just to be there for the benefit of the one they love. I often have felt like my boyfriend’s cats get more respect and affection than I do. I also have noticed the crap with why he (and others)choose to do something which is poorly disguised on the surface as something for us when in actuality is selfishly something that they want and don’t really care if we like or want it. The example you gave about not using the multiple cars that were available… Ugh! That reminded me of my boyfriend asking me if I wanted to go along with him up north to look at a van he wanted to buy. Earlier (a few hours before he asked me) we were in a huge arguement and he insisted he wanted to be alone–not around anyone–not wanting to talk to or be with anyone! Then he asked if I wanted to take a drive with him…
Oh ya–“can we take your car”…”I’d prefer to do that”… So, I realized he just wanted to take my car to save on gas since I have a compact car (that I don’t even own–I use the car and pay for everything), and he has a gas-guzzling delivery van. When I said, “I thought you wanted to be alone”, he defensively said, “It’s a simple yes or no” when he knew that I wasn’t an idiot and didn’t buy his b.s. as if he was just being nice and thinking I might want to get out of the house. He wasn’t concerned about me, he just knew that I’d have to go with him because if anything happened to the car (which lately is likely), then it would be complicated since he doesn’t own the car–and either do I, so he’d have to explain that to the police or whomever in a situation with an accident or breakdown. Furthermore, my friend would be furious because this is not the first time my boyfriend has just assumed he could use “my” car not only for personal use but also for his business deliveries and pick-ups. In the middle of writing this to you I had to go in the kitchen and talk with him. When he brought up using my car today, to drive several miles where if one breaks down there are not many houses or business around for assistance, I was taken back. Here I am writing this to you and trying to be strong personally as well as empower someone else (you) to be strong to stand up to this kind of “using”, and I felt that I “should” let him because he didn’t want to waste gas taking the van. What should I tell him? Well, I didn’t say yes. I planned on cleaning the uphostery in the car with a cleaner he would buy when at the store where he gets his supplies for the business. My car has been abused and used so much by him and has gotten so disgusting as far as the dirt in the car’s upholstery from his sweaty, wet clothes and from hauling food from Restaurant Depot, that when it “sweats” in the heat, the car just smells funky and the seats are dark instead of light tan. I hope that you will know that you deserve better and even if you aren’t with him anymore, that you can still think about what you DON’T want so that no one else can treat you that way. I totally get the “mama’s boy” stuff. Pathetic. Grow up and grow a set, right? (Not you, him.) I don’t know how recent your comments were, but fyi, I’m replying to this on August 8, 2011. I wish the best for you!
Sincerely,
Kitty
Thanks so much Kitty. This is the 1st time I’ve ever posted on my predicament and I did it yesterday but felt the need to do so because no matter what, we deserve to be treated with respect. And yes, relationship’s about compromising and that both need to work on it to make it happen. When only 1 party is doing all the work while the other takes advantage of it, such as yourself, then there’s bound to be resentment and anger. I hope you will be able to resolve your relationship issues and get the respect that you deserve instead of being used as such.
Hey Yellowbird, I totatally agree,communication is the receipe to a good relationship,,Though I don’t believe that people should count on other people to make them happy…Happiness is a feeling and feelings come and go all the time..So for true happiness count on Lord Jesus Christ…I tell you comittment to a relationship whether good or bad at the time is worth saving…I use to think that if my husband didn’t always want to do what I wanted or think the way I did we were doomed and vice versa…I learned that prayer for my husband and prayer for me to change me, and him to be better a person ..because that is what made God happy.And I don’t always do right But I know, that I know, thatI know, that God wants what is good for me, better then I know what is good for me.So pray ladies and gentlemen….You just be patient and believe that change is right around the corner…In Gods timing…Just be patient….
All 8 things outlined in this article has happened in my relationship with my husband and I have also strayed with other men. My husband doesn’t do any of the things outlined in this article. I try to communicate with him, but he has shut me out. The funny thing is is that I don’t give a shit if he finds out about the other men or not.
It is just so sad.
Most of these relationships seem like there already over. For those people who stay miserable to think theres any chance of taking someone back after he’s/she’s bounced back with other people don’t accept it. If your not priority in someones life and he’s not gaga over you why do you want him? Sometimes we have to realise when it’s really over becuase we can be married to someone but not so. By that I mean, legaly your married but theres really no relationship there and you are both holding in tension for years until it breaks. Most of us ignore the fact that it really is blown and stay in that relationship. Not just married persons but people in any seriouse relationship May have the problem i just mentioned. The faster we move on with another the happier we feel and soon relieved.
Kitty and Yellowbird
You guys need to leave them NOW!!! I lived in another country – away from my sisters, mother, father, working fingers to the bone etc. for the one I loved only to have him walk out on me when I reached 47. I gave up the last years of my reproductive life for a controlling asshole who had the audacity to try to get together with several women at our mutual workplace – including one of my assistants!! Similar sort of behaviour etc. Turned out that he had been making passes at several women at work over the past 13 years, to the point that one accused him of sexual harrassment. Warning – people will not tell you about these things until you split up as they do not want to rock the boat. By the sounds of both of yours relationship they are not worth the absolute agony that either of those idiots are putting you through and you must leave them. It is only a matter of time before they think that they have found a younger model who can do everything for them and they will not hesitate to walk out on you.
Leave them – now while you are still young enough to have a life with someone who will appreciate you or even a better life with just yourself – I find that I am much happier and healthier now that I no longer have a 200 pound asshole to consider.
I am afraid I ruined my relationship with my boyfriend who I cared about so much. He would tell me how he didn’t think he could meet my needs and I would just keep asking for more and more. He was really sweet to me…the sweetest boyfriend I’ve ever had and now he’s gone. When he broke up with me about a month ago, I was shocked, but the more time away from him I’ve had, the more I realize I was a HUGE part of the break up. I would nitpick, threaten at times and take him for granted. I was so impatient for commitment and didn’t focus on my own life enough that now we don’t have any relationship at all. I have been in counseling since/ read books and think I am truly developing the tools to change. Is it possible to ever reconcile? I have not contacted him nor has he me. Im assuming that he is not interested anymore if he doesn’t call. I laid out the worst part of the relationship for you guys to read, but we did have a good friendship and loved spending time together. We really did have fun and had love although it may be hard to believe from what I said 🙁 Help…
Thanks Joules. I have left him as I was tired of the fights and feeling all the time that I never have a place in his life and that I am only there as his maid. Moving on has not been easy. I am still angry as I feel cheated, especially so when he promised me so much to give up my life for him only to have him turn his back on me and treating me for the next 4 months as he said when we broke up: that relationship’s not about compromise, I dont have priority in his life and I’m only just a girlfriend. We used to be best of friends and had a great time together but it all ended the moment he became guarded. I dont think we would have broken up if I hadnt call it quits but I would have been miserable for the rest of my life knowing that I go to bed every night with a guy I no longer recognise and resent.
I thank God for this mail i got from you. My marriage is getting soured and i think this can bring the flavour back. Thanks alot
lmao its so funny because this is all freaking ture!! haha
hi!…im 5mths pregnant and a single parent.i already hav a child who is 3 yrs of age.my husband was very sadistikly abusive but i couldn’t part from him or end the marriage cos i feared what if he marries someone els?..i know!..how silly of me,but i can’t help but love him!..when he was nice he was very nice and would do everything but when nasty he was the worst and it would be spitting on my face,thumping my face ,walking out and spending a week with his parents who of course hate me from beginning cos they didn’t accept me.he then would call me hurtful names like,eg..B******,, mother f*****,,ugly bitch,when he knows im not but he’ll say whatever he can to hurt me,then later in the evening or a week later he’d just come home and start flirting with me and trying to kiss me and is all over me like a rash!..i started suspecting that he’s probably cheating on me but he keeps on tellin me he’d never do that to me as i was the girl he was in love with from when we were young teenagers,,he and i went trough alot to get married as our families were against it..he was in a loveless marriage to a cousin from pakistan,i knew he always liked me cos his eyes would lit up everytime he saw me..now after 3.5yrs of marriage,al we do is argue and 4mths ago i found out i am pregnant,just after we argued and he kicked me out with my little boy..he denys he never did,and that i left on my own free will..now im 5mths pregnant,he comes over once or twice a week,we hav great sex and then he leaves..im left thinking he doesn’t care that im struggling all alone..his anger is still the same..he doesn’t and never will see how abusive he is.al i want is for him to see how he’s destroying whats already damaged.
Hello,angel ,this is for you. Now let me tell you something for a fact,YOUR HUSBAND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR, he is sleeping around, or he is still married to his cousin. If you guys are married then why aren’t living together full-time,this just doesn’t make sense. How can you let him even touch you when he comes around. Peace of advice…go to the hospital and get yourself checked for STDs. And then ask him to stop abusing you and stay with you a week or tell him you need a divorce. Honestly don’t be scared of it, he will never leave you , I guarantee, but you need to lay down some rules. Stand up for yourself, don’t let him walk all over you, he is NOTHING, I am sure he has a psychotic problem, anyway, ask for your rights or LEAVE HIM, please do yourself and your children a favor . Best of luck .
well its like this, tis Man was the perfect Man for me he was everything I ever wanted in a Man… He is well educated, he can hold a conversation with anyone, he makes me laugh when i’m up and down, he’s the life of the party, he’s smart, and intelligent, He finished high school, and went to college, what ever he do he’s good at it. He is a straight up 10. and the sex, and the love making is always off the chart, he always make me have an orgasm when I’ve worked a twelve hour shift…
I love the way he talks, I love the way he treats me, I love the way he takes control of me when i’m being a bitch.. I love it when he acts jealous, I used to think in the begging of the relationship when he abused me I thought that he really loved me. But when he started putting guns to my head, choking me, suffocating me with a pillow, slapping me, pushing me, spit on me, urinated on me, gave me my first black eye, concussion, busted nose, pulled hair, and the mind blower he even shot at me in broad day light, and he taught me how to position my body, and how to have my first orgasm, my first time being stabbed by a knife, and he gave me my first mind blower when he raped me.
He gave me my first children, now we have a grand child, together. he was the first Man that my mom let stay in her house, and spend the night, and got caught with by my mother, he stole my families heart and they stole his. he made me smile and laugh, he turned me from a young women into a WOMEN i was a virgin when I first met him.. and now i’m addicted to his sex, love, jealously, mind games, controlling behavior, and a dangerous temper…
I know he can kill me at any time because he always ask me do u think I’ll hurt you, and i would tell him No — he would laugh and say trust me I can hurt you, and you should take my threats seriously… How can I break up with an abusive boyfriend who won’t let me go? yes i’m afraid for my life sometimes but I love him as I would say addicted to him …
Please someone help me, I need some positive comments…
Thank You so very much and I hope u have a wonderful and blessed day…
I hope by this time, you are still alive. As an addict to a relationship, you’ve successfully admitted that you can’t help yourself except to confess that you’re still involved… even at the risk of something danger.
No need for anything complicated. Call someone who will help separate you from this person. I’m sure it’ll be all right, if it isn’t already due to the fact that I’m READING THIS months after the original post.
Make a plan and walk away with a sponsor.
Keep us informed as to what is going on.
God be with you!!!
Im 21. I have a 7 month old baby with boyfriend. I think im only in this relationship still because I really want my daughter to grow up with both her parents and not have to deal with split up parents. I know my boyfriend loves me but he doesn’t show it anymore. We don’t have any fun anymore. We basically don’t have anything in common anymore. He never wants to have sex. Which makes me very suspicious of him cheating and makes me very jealous which is ruining the relationship. I highly doubt he’s cheating only because we’re together all the time. He’s taken advantage of me by totally ruining my credit. Now bill collectors call me everyday which I know he has no intention in paying. Im so unhappy And feel so unloved. But im stuck and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a healthy loving fulfilling relationship. I so desperately want out. But even more I just want this relationship to work for my daughters sake.
Short and simple…..
It all started in 2008……
He said he was so many things…Turns out; he’s not…….
Said he loved animals; my dog started acting funny,scared…..watched secretly one night, he punched my dog (not his though), when I asked why….he said he wouldn’t pee…
In the beginning he said he didn’t like porn…………found out he was on free porn sites everyday, coming home for lunch, and waiting until I went to bed……..When I confronted him (I did NOT scream or yell) about it, asked why he didn’t tell me, he said, why would I…….
Said he hates men who abuse women; he yells at me, 2 inches from my face, puts his fingers in my face………I told him to never do that again (he did it again though)
He said trust was the most important thing to him…..He lied to me for a year about a married woman he was talking with at work……..
He promised it would be better, I would make him a better person………so I married him 5 months ago……..lied to me even after putting the engagement ring on my finger..found out about that in June this year, 2 months before we were to get married…..he swears he never slept with her…….
I don’t stay because I need to; I’m educated, attractive, and make a great salary……..so what is it with me? 🙁
Hi Red,
You are with him because you lack self-esteem. I am going through this myself. I am out of my bad relationship but in therapy trying to figure out why I put up with mean boyrfiends. I am the same as you in that I am educated, attractive and make a good salary. Strong women would leave a boyfriend the first time he did something terrible (like punch your dog). We are weak women when it comes to relationships. I would never act this way at work where I am strong and confident. At home I am a pushover. Good luck and I hope you leave that guy…you deserve better.
@ Julia and Red — I think there are a lot of people out there that assertive in their professional lives and then turn into a pushover at home. I agree that the root is self esteem. Taking a break from relationships and figuring out who you are and healthy sources of self esteem could be beneficial. Good luck.
It is all well and fine to use ‘I’ statements and ‘I am feeling…’ statements till the reply becomes: ‘well that is your feeling so deal with it…’
The lack of care / concern that just dismisses the concerns feelings of the ‘other’ in the relationship.
What is the next step for dealing with that?
How depressing! Psychiatrists are so evil.
Im joe hello all. i ruined my relationship last june. i was with someone for 2 years and the last year it started to go sour. i lost my government job the my exs father got me a job driving a cab making good money in the hamptons. i even saved a mans life when i witness him plow into a suv that cut him off. that august i took her to kay jewelers and i said pick out the ring u want. i told her i would work hard to pay it off. come sept. and october taxi season died so i could fine another job so i worked the cab. when i got so bored i went on the dating sites just to look. come nov. i cancelled the ring and used that money to look for another job. i couldnt deal with being in the cab bored out of my mind. all the other drivers would do drugs and look at garbage to keep them selves occupied. Christmas i was broke. all i could afford was a heart ring that she wears till this day. jan i got reinstated with my gov job feb i started saving for a new ring march i contacted an ex that i cheated on years ago and tried to be facebook friends. that was a kick in my butt. from march to june i worked 2 jobs vol. at a fire house refreshed my emt certification. And i stopped sleeping next to my gf and i slept home trying to come off probation. she wasnt happy with that. then one day out of the blue she asked me if i wanted to break up and i said no i had been workibg on her2200 dollar engagement ring. last year was a mild winter so at my gov. job i didnt get any overtime i only brought home 400 a week so i worked 2 jobs. so whike i was working 2 jobs she was out with her cousin clubbing meeting guys the cousins boyfriend cheated and got someone ekse pregnant. me i saw her going out i went on the dating sites again and i found her on it with out a picture. i went on pof and match posted a profile with a picture and all i did was reconnect with my old friends from high school and college. she got wind i was on it so we broke up. then i deleted the sites a week later my co worker thought of a websute called fuck friends .com and i showed the guys i work with at my gov. job and after that she stopped saying good morning my love stopped calling me stopped everything. i always told her that i loved her and i always showed it. one day i asked a friend if she had any single friends in pa i live in ny and she was like yea she showed me a picture of her friend named missy. and i was like na this isnt what i wanted my friend ask me if everything was ok i told my friend that my and my gf were having problems. i never once acted on anything that i looked at or said.i continued to work 2 jobs to afford the ring i quit the fire department fir good the same week we broke up. then she went to the emergency room i rushed up there to be by her side. i stayed with her and when she got discharged she went home and i went to work that friday i worked my gov job my cab job and i went and took a spolice exam and after the test i called to see if i could meet up with er. we she said to me that she wanted me and my apparent fuck friend out of my life. i tried explaining to her i wasnt messing around she didnt want to hear it. the next day i went to her house and i picked up my stuff i tried to talk to her there and her cousin prevented that from happening. the next day she was out with someone new. a week later the cousin text me 5 pictures of her making out with some dude at a club wearing the same clotges she wore when she went out the first time. when i saw her at the gym she called the police i knocked on her door she called the police. she even took me to court and the charges were dropped. all of my friends called her even my friend from pa called her and told her that i never contacted her friend and that i only vented out my problems to her and my co worker called her and said that i didnt want anything to do with it. my friends that i added to facebook talked to her to prove that i only went went on it to find old friends. now 16 months later i am back in court this time she is there with the domeatic violence coalition i violated a court order by mailing her an engagement ring. Ever since the break up i lost 100 pounds and my best friend took me to a christian church and that has helped me in so many ways. since the break up i never went on the dating sites or ever volunteered as a fire fighter. she hates me and cant trust me. i wish would hhave left her alone afyer the break up maybe we would of talked everything out and started over. i wish i could get her back but the door is shut now i am looking to get into the navy.. WHEN I am down and depressed i listen to possitive and encouraging KLOVE radio.
I wish i could turn everything around an create an amazing relationship with out ever working the taxi cab an never going on the dating sites and ill never volunteer as a fire fighter ill never leave my partner behind. ill just be an amzimg man to my partner continue going to the gym and church on sundays.
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