One of my dearest female friends is in a relationship with a friend of her own. It’s not an unhealthy relationship, but the man has made it clear to my friend that it has a definite ending as he needs to move away for a job. She understands this, intellectually anyway. But there’s some question as to whether our intellect can overrule our emotion in every instance and in every situation.
I suspect that the more time we spend with another person involved in intimacies, the more intimate we get regardless of our overall intentions. I would even go so far to say that it’s inevitable. That like that old premise in “When Harry Met Sally,” men and women can’t just be friends. Well, I mean that they definitely cannot just be friends if they’re actively engaging in a sexual relationship.
I know my friend knows that, so intellectually, she’s cool. But I also know that matters of the heart can often short-circuit our rationality, leading us to engage in behaviors that, in the long-run, may not be emotionally the most healthy for us.
These thoughts led me to look up the research literature on “friends with benefits,” and I was pleasantly surprised to come away with a few citations where this phenomenon has actually been studied. These kinds of relationship most often occur in younger adults (high school and college-age students) who are still actively exploring their sexuality.
Puentes and his colleages (2008) collected over 1,000 surveys of undergraduates and came away with the following observations on these “friends with benefits relationships” (FWBRs):
1. Males. Over sixty percent of the men (63.7%) compared to slightly over half (50.2%) of the women reported experience in a friends with benefits relationship. While not statistically significant, McGinty et al. (2007) also found men more likely participants and concluded that, “men focus on the benefits, women on the friends” aspect of the friends with benefits relationship. Previous research comparing men and women has emphasized that men think more about sex, report a higher number of sexual partners, and engage in more frequent sexual encounters than women (Michael et al., 1994).
2. Casual daters. Respondents who were casually dating different people (76.3%) were significantly more likely to report experience in a FWBR than those emotionally involved with one person (49.3%) or not dating/involved with anyone (49.9%). It is clear that while the respondents were having sex with a friend, they did not define the relationship as a dating relationship that was going anywhere. To the contrary, the participants had a dating life (or were open to one) with different people that was separate from the friends with benefits relationship.
3. Hedonist. Undergraduates selecting hedonism (82.2%) as their primary sexual value were significantly more likely to be involved in a friends with benefits relationship than those selecting relativism (52.3%) or absolutism (20.8%). Unlike relativists who prefer sex in the context of a love relationship and absolutists who won’t have sex outside of a marriage relationship, hedonists are focused on sexual pleasure, not the relationship with the person.
4. Sex without love. It comes as no surprise that participants in a FWBR were adept at having sex independent of love. Indeed, over 80 percent of participants in a FWBR reported that they had had sex without love, compared to 13.4% of non participants who preferred sex in the context of a love relationship. This difference was statistically significant.
5. Nonromantic/realist. In contrast to romantics who believed that there is only one true love/love comes only once, nonromantics (also known as realists) viewed this belief as nonsense. Analysis of the data revealed that undergraduate realists who believed that there were any number of people with whom they could fall in love (57.9%) were significantly more likely to be a participant in a friends with benefits relationship than were undergraduate romantics who believed in one true love (44.7%).
In effect, nonromantics believe that they would have many opportunities to meet/fall in love and that a friends with benefits relationship would not cancel out their chance of doing so. Hughes et al. (2005) also found that persons involved in a friends with benefits relationship had a pragmatic view of love.
6. Question deep love’s power. Participants were less likely than nonparticipants to believe that deep love can help a couple get through any difficulty. Slightly over half (52.7%) of participants in a FWBR reported they did not believe in the power of deep love compared to over 60% (62.3 %) of nonparticipants who did believe in such power. We interpret this finding as another example of participants being nonromantic realists who were not focused on romantic love in their relationships.
7. Jealousy. Undergraduates identifying themselves as a jealous person (58.8%) were significantly more likely to be involved in a friends with benefits relationship than those who did not view themselves as jealous (51.1%). We are not sure how to interpret this data as we would assume just the opposite. Nevertheless, the data show that participants are more jealous. Perhaps those having sex with a friend wonder how many other sexual partners their “friend” has and want to feel that they are “special” and “unique.”
8. Blacks. In regard to racial differences, over sixty percent of blacks (62.5%) in contrast to over half of the whites (52.9%) reported involvement in a friends with benefits experience. Previous research comparing blacks and whites on interpersonal issues revealed that blacks valued romantic relationships less than whites, were less involved in an exclusive relationship, and were less disclosing in intimate relationships (Giordan et. al., 2005). Data from the National Survey of Family and Households also revealed great instability of black compared to white marriages (Raley 1996). A “friends with benefits” relationship which provides minimal emotional investment for a sexually involved couple is not inconsistent with relationship instability.
9. Higher class rank/age. The more advanced the undergraduate in class rank, the more likely the undergraduate reported involvement in a friends with benefits relationship: freshmen = 45.4%, sophomore = 55.1%, junior = 55.2% and senior = 62%. As might be expected, the older the student, the more likely the FWBR involvement with those 20 and older being more likely. We suspect that age increases one’s opportunity for a FWRB experience and that older undergraduates given the opportunity for a FWFR are more likely to cash in.
10. Money focused. When asked about their top value in life, undergraduates identifying financial security (67.9%) were significantly more likely to be in a friends with benefits relationship than those who identified having a career that they loved (53.9%) or having a happy marriage (48.5%) as their primary life value. Seemingly, the pursuit of money was more important than a love relationship moving toward commitment or marriage and they (participants in a friends with benefits relationship) took sex in whatever convenient context they could get it.
Frankly, the more I read about friends with benefits relationships, the more convinced I am that my friend isn’t actually involved in one of these (since they occur with increasingly less frequency as one ages and matures).
Perhaps she’s simply in a relationship in which the man is simply unawares or purposely ignorant. As long as she is aware, and isn’t expecting more from the relationship than he’s willing to give, then I think it’s fine.
But I also think it’s difficult for us, as humans, to separate sexuality from our emotions (even though it appears men are more able to do so than women). Even when men do so, I believe many do so only outwardly. Inside, perhaps unconsciously, they still feel the connection they’re making through sex.
Because sex is more than just a physical act of pleasure. It strips us, if just for a moment, of all of our social masks, and bares our physical desires (and some might argue, our souls) to the other person. While men may deny that happens, I can’t help but believe it does. Maybe not in everyone, but I think in more men than research shows.
As for my friend, I worry about her. While she’s a smart, attractive, and wonderful person, I think she may be blinded by her own cynicism about relationships, love, and attraction. But after awhile, it’s hard not to. When you meet so many people who are just interested in relationships on their own terms (and for their own ends), it can be hard to see the forest through the trees.
Or the man who has feelings for you, despite his protestations to the contrary.
References:
Puentes, J., Knox, D. & Zusman, M.E. (2008). Participants in ‘friends with benefits’ relationships. College Student Journal, 42(1), 176-180.
94 comments
hey…
I have this guy friend in college whom I became really tight with we were really close till we *cliche*went out 1 nyt had a few and ended up in the sack.it was very awkward the next morning and at college,we spoke less I felt really bad cause I started developing feelings for him,and was to shy to speak to him about.After a few months it happened again but we were sober and the whole awkward thing happened again..then he started talking to me and being nice again,that led to a nother lustful night..now I feel like I am letting him use me and I don’t kno whether to call this a FWB situation..??
I would never ever engage into this kind of relationship “Friends with Benefits”….oops i hope i won’t eat back my words for this…But let’s admit it,most women if not all are more emotionally attached when it comes to having sex.
I am currently in a FWB relationship and at first I just thought my friend was trying to be friendly so that he could have sex with me, which would have obviously been unneeded since I already agreed to the terms of the involvment.I asserted that it was unneccessary thinking I would be relieving him of an unpleasant “pleasantry” and he actually got offended that I wasnt interested in the actual friend as opposed to the benefits.So I began to be more present in the platonic moments and now Ive developed feelings for him…he admitted that he wouldnt have suggested having sex with me if he didnt already like me, but why suggest being “friends with benefits” if he already had feelings for me? Overall its confusing and I probably wont be doing this again once this runs its course.
I had a great FWB relationship, and went into it knowing that it would be a FWB relationship, and no more, since I knew he was married. We worked together, at night, in quite a physically active environment, and the sex at the end of the night was just the culmination of a night of endorphin rushes for both of us. I learnt a lot from him, for which I was very grateful, when I finally met the man of my dreams, and the FWB willingly stepped out of my life when I did meet The One.
I do believe, however, that I am heavily weighted in the testosterone area, so I could go into such a relationship, looking at it only as an activities relationship, like playing a game of tennis together, and not become emotionally involved. The irony is that the man I am with now, does not seem to be someone who could be involved in a sexual relationship with no love involved. Horses for courses, i guess
a dying guilt culture needs to be destroyed
Unfortunately, US psychology can’t get beyond cultural “norms” based on xian dogma and the enforcement of guilt-based indoctrination concerning sexual practice.
1. Enforcement of (right-wing xian) “morals” — from murder of abortion providers to total control over women and children — male supremacist lies wrapped in xian dogma.
2. Romantic “love” — starts as a game for courtiers in 12th c. southern France and southern Italy, spreads northward via (St.) Francis and Dante (13-14th c. Italy) to the rich merchant class. Now, a dominant unquestioned world-wide commonplace still filled with xian misogyny and male supremacism.
“Love†is a construct — a model for sexual behavior, a cultural theory marked by deep associations with xian dogma. “Love†is therefore not written in our genes; complex social behavior is simply not written in the nature of reality.
the anti_supernaturalist
I’m female, and didn’t enter into my first sexual relationship until well past 30. No one was interested, and I had to initiate everything. Now at 35, I’m in a FWB arrangement with a guy in his 50s. I’m sick and tired of being told I’m too independent or selfish. I’ve gotten here on my own because no one wanted to be a part of my life. I pay my own bills and take responsibility for my own feelings. I’m not jealous of him or his other friends, and in fact it makes me feel good when he’s happy, irregardless of when it’s been with me or not. Compersion takes maturity and not everyone can feel it.
Just because your past was bad does not mean your future will be, and your future begins now. It can be different to your past. Don’t make the mistake of undervaluing and perhaps underestimating your friend.
I’m a single mother of two kids under the age of three. I’m in a fwbr and it’s been hard. He and I have had some bad relationships. He’s in the national guard and for every soldier that gets deployed a lot of them get a dear john letter. Three years ago while he was deployed his ex fiance faked her death. He didn’t find put until four months after he got home. It messed him up. He says he has feelings for me, but doesn’t want a relationship because of the fear of being hurt again. I feel myself falling for this amazing man, but i’m afraid of him pushing me away, so I stick to our agreement. Even though we don’t see others, I sense something is there, but he’s afraid. I need help understanding this. I’d appreciate any good advice. Thanks.
Hi,
I have recently noticed that my boy friend is seeing other woman. He is very caring about me but I can not understand the reason of his behavior. I told him that I know about his secret relationship with other woman but he totally ignored it, I know that in my absence they meet, but his feelings about me has not changed, the same nice, caring person, I have lost my desire to be intimate with him… do you think that I should leave him?
I have 2 fwb-I am more attracted to one than the other-one is married and the other has a live in relationship with someone else—-I feel like I am being used due to the fact they each want the benefits and I get NO friendship—neither one , ever asks me out or wants to go to a movie or other activity–I am not looking for marriage, but would like to feel alittle more appreciated. If I turn them down for sex–they make me feel guilty-not sure what to do?????
Chugger, not to be mean but you are not in a friends with benefits relationship. Both men are using you for a booty call and you aren’t getting what you want out of the relationship.
Find someone else who will appreciate you more. Good luck.
Very few people, friends, can have this type of friendship without getting emotionally involved. One of the sides will get involved and eventually hurt so if two ppl have different relationship goals, they.should remain friends only, without benefits because dear, having sex with the same person, over and ver and not bonding, it is impossible.
I have 3 fwbs, one is new however. And I met with him.yesterday.
We have been cool since my old work place, as we worked together, n before I left he told me he really liked me. He has a girlfriend, and I know her, and though he has never done anything like this before, he jumped me! Not in a bad way, but he said he couldn’t fight his feelings for me, and we kissed, and went far. I do like this guy, and he is sweet. He was so nervous, I had to calm.him down! I knew things would get that far.
my other fwbr, is an old friend/neighbor and we have had sex quite a few times without any feelings n.attachments. he is in a relationship with someone, but wants to have sex with me, and also wants me to have his baby! So b a secret baby momma!
My other fwbr, is 16yrs older than me (I’m 33 and he is 47). He lives in the USA, and we met mutually through a friend. But things became sexual, and we r friends. Good friends, but I know where I stand with this man. Our fwbr will never change, and he understands me.
I have recently gotten out of a 2yr relationship with someone who didn’t appreciate me, and also lied to me about loving me, so now I am.single I do not want a relationship.
fwbr seems to work for me.
whether I find actual happiness remains to b seen. But, I am happy to just b on my own.
I notice that most poster are women, and I didn’t notice men sharing their experience. Hmm, I wonder why.
Its possible to get emotionally uninvolved you just have to stay focused and often seeing other people helps.
Its possible to stay emotionally unattached, you just have to know what you want out of the relationship. If you dont know what you want then you are screwed.
No two people are identical, and in a relationship – be it FWB or not – the feelings each party has for the other are rarely equal; somebody always feels more than the other and is more liable to get hurt.
In my case, I’m seeing an ‘absolutist’ woman who seems emotionally unavailable too, and who more and more seems to be moving in the direction of a FWB situation. Although she’s still a virgin, the dry humping and pseudo-sex is great with hours spent on foreplay where all the fun really is (clothes on, no genital or breast touching). Surprisingly, I’ve had multiple orgasms with her, but that’s hardly the issue although it could colour my judgement a little.
My problem is, I’m in love with her but she appears not to be with me, but she never says anything about her feelings, motivations, or needs, and lately it has felt more and more like I am being used. Friends say I should move on, but I can’t because I see something in her that attracts me intensely: the real person inside her outward image, not the one scared off all relationships by a traumatic ending of her intense first love.
Using the definition in your article it does appear I am in a FWB situation from her point of view; and I’m the one getting hurt as I wait for her to (perhaps, one day, maybe) recover her ability to commit.
So, to all those of you who think you are in a FWB situation with no ties and no hurt, believe me, the hurt is there, you just can’t see it or feel it. That’s why IMO jealousy is an issue in a FWB; the more non-FWB party will always be jealous of the lovers of the FWB party.
It is possible to get emotionally attached if it continues pass one month and you spend quite a bit of time together. This happened to me and what makes it difficult is that we work in the same building and run into each other often. Ultimately I had to end it because I started to develop strong feelings for him and even though he expressed that he did not have a problem staying emotionally unattached, I had a problem staying unattached. He indicated that he was not ready for the sex part of our relationship to end and it hurt me to bring it to a close but it needed to be done. If you can do it good for you, if you can not and believe your feelings may get involved, think twice. Someone will definitely start to develop feelings in the FWB situation if you spend enough time with them and most of the time, not all of the time, it can end really bad and someone will get hurt.
miss C i am in a fwb relationship and im only 18 hes its been going on for 2months now! i just need some advice i think i got myself caught up in something and i dont know how to get out! please respond asap.
I’ve never responded to one of these, but I was reading comments (which I never do either.. Must be Adderall) and they’re all over the place. Every situation is different. No two people will have the same FWB relationship. “Minds differ still more than faces” Voltaire.
On that note, I’m 30.. and I’ve experienced this a few times.
My first.. I was completely again dating/relationships..even sex, til I was 19. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home (abuse in all forms, the works..). That all changed when I met my (now ex) husband. We clicked from the first actually conversation we had. Started hooking up soon after. Just FWB. Then overwhelming feelings hit like a ton of bricks about a week or so in. We married only months later. Honestly, we had a really really really loving marriage. However…. He cheated while he was in a military school for training after a fight we had. He was always worried I’d leave or cheat (dumb insecurity because that is NOT my style whatsoever). He ended up being the one. I asked him for a divorce immediately and never looked back.
Another FWB was just that…just friends. Exclusive FWB “relationship”. No feelings. No issues. We’re still great friends.
Lastly.. FWB with the guy in currently with. 2 1/2 years in.. he waited almost a year before telling me he had feelings since the first day he met me, fell madly in love soon after we started ___… I had some feelings, but nothing like with my ex, so I kind of disregarded them…so the last year and a half has been ups and downs since he wants the marriage, the kids, etc… And after my marriage, I’ve avoided even considering that at all costs because I never wanted to go through that pain EVER EVER again. But, I’m trying. It’s hard knowing you don’t want the same things (marriage and kids), but the way he’s in love with me is honest to God beautiful and has opened my eyes to believing maybe I’ll have the marriage is always thought I’d have with my ex. When someone lives you so hard it hurts, for me, it’s scary and it makes you hopeful kind of all at the same time for the future, where all I had before was doubt and no hope for ever having that again. To be continued…. because the military is shipping him 2000 miles away from me soon. Life is crazy. But, for all of you reading this, just know, there’s no black and white relationships. It’s ALL grey area and it’s always different. Unless you’re one of those that “see” the same TYPE of people over and over again expecting different results.