One thing that strikes me about depression recovery is how people can become invisible to themselves. They don’t matter, they don’t “count,” and they take themselves out of the picture before anything ever happens.
I know this both professionally and personally. For myself, I know I just gave all I had to my daughters when I was depressed. I gave what I could as a wife and friend, but I put on my best for the girls. Not only did I think of them first, I just didn’t think about me hardly at all. I thought about my state of being and my misery, but I didn’t really think about ME as a whole significant human being.
Granted, it can be tough with a small baby who needs stuff around the clock. The joke about new moms not getting a shower until the afternoon is really no joke. Been there! But it was more than just that for me. Even when I got showered, dressed, “ready” in whatever way, I still didn’t really care for myself like I could have. I couldn’t – I could hardly get past the basics and I was overwhelmed with everything else. I’ve said it before, but it all just felt so hard.
After a while of living like this, I just kind of forgot about myself. I did what I needed to so I could be dressed appropriately for work, for bed, for getting out of the house to get groceries, and so on. I was pseudo-functional, as I stated in a post I wrote yesterday. But being functional and taking care of myself were completely different things.
When you are depressed, a lot of your thoughts tell you that you are so wrong in so many ways. Eventually, you might conclude that it would just be easier if you dropped into a hole somewhere and you didn’t need anything. If there is no way to make up for all your “wrongness,” then at least get out of the way. Don’t make any more fuss than you already are just by existing and breathing air.
You get into a bad mental habit of thinking like this after weeks, months, even years. Finally, when you are fortunate to find help in one form or another, you start to come out of the fog. As you come out of the fog, you discover a great deal about yourself that has changed since you’d been depressed. I forgot how to make myself important to myself and to others. I didn’t say anything if I thought things were touchy or there was conflict. I didn’t take the initiative to do something out of the blue that I enjoyed. Or if I did, I sometimes felt bad about it later. Then I forgot to keep it up. It’s like I felt bad for feeling good.
Depression thinking is the culprit here. Rampant negativism and a flood of shaming thoughts overrides the mind’s ability to fight back. After a while, it’s just easier to let it wash over for a while. When you are in depression recovery, it is important to remember that the flood is under better control.
It is indeed right and salutary that you should enjoy yourself and be significant in the world! The shame talk is not reality, that is the depression. Do not forget yourself, and make sure no one else does either.
15 comments
All thing goes wrong when you are in Depression even you just cant find yourself.
Erika,
I’ve really been enjoying your posts. I’ve linked to a few of them on Beyond Blue. Thanks for the great work. t
Wow! I can really relate to this. Thanks for your post Erica. Reminds me I’m not the only one going through this.
i believe the best solution for depression is finding the real cause for it and fighting it instead of trying to believe the “disturbance in brain chemicals” thing
I like this essay. Thanks.
If full-blown depression is Step 10, I feel like I am hovering between Steps 3 and 4.
Like maybe if I put very focused effort into controlling these “bad” thoughts when they enter my brain, I can make their frequency lessen to the point they will basically go away completely.
Right now I have, let’s guesstimate it, 100 bad thoughts a day.
“I hate myself.”
“I suck.”
“I wish I were dead.”
“Nobody loves me, not really.”
“I live to serve others/causes, not to enjoy life.”
“I will never have an inviting home.”
“I can’t reach my goals.”
“Only a lazy idiot would be this disorganized.”
“It’s my own fault things are so stressful for me.”
“Bathing is too much hassle.”
“Putting on makeup is too much hassle.”
“I don’t deserve a vacation because I’m in debt.”
“I should avoid [name of close friend] because he/she is so much more successful than I am. It makes me feel inept and afraid to see how far behind I am.”
On and on it goes.
Trust me — NOBODY would imagine I go through this torment. I am a community leader. People tell me how great I am, how talented, how funny, how successful.
If they could only see how messy my house is — paper everywhere, small appliances on the dining room, foster animals set up where normal people have furniture (do not tell me to take them back to the shelter as I am a specialist in XYZ breeds and nobody else can take these animals) (or so it seems as I try to find someone else and the other foster homes are full too).
My birthday is coming up soon. My goal SIX MONTHS AGO was to have an inviting home for my birthday. I can’t even have repair people here without a major panic.
OK I am going to take a shower now and then I am off to the nonprofit agency where I’m leading an event today.
Thanks for listening. (er, reading).
Suzie
Did my post disappear or is it waiting to be approved?
I guess it disappeared. Now that is ironic.
Sigh.
Sorry, Suzie! I don’t know what happened to your comment. I checked on the blog admin section and didn’t see any sort of comment “pending” or anything like that. Disappearing, that is kind of ironic 😉
Sometimes technology eats up my comments on other blogs, too. A lot of this stuff is kind of automatic – hard to know what happened. If you want, please feel welcome to submit it again.
OK, I will … later. I’m off to run an event at a non-profit agency … off to fool some more people with how marvelous and successful and together I am!!
Hey, my post from yesterday appeared!
Negative thinking leads more to depression. You have to figure out the cause of your depression and start working on it. Enjoy life and always have a positive outlook, disregard any negative thought.
Depression is a bummer. First, you don’t like yourself; then you think no one else likes you.
The bottom of the downward spiral is thinking if you take your own life, who cares?
Ending up in a hospital is the best treatment for depression, imho.
Some years ago, while in a hospital, my husband called my siblings and they called to tell me that they loved me. Somehow in my imbalanced brain, I never heard them say that before, but they had during my childhood. There’s that phrase, “I couldn’t see the forest for the trees”.
Having had my last hospitalization in 2005, I came to understand there are many solutions–good ones–that I don’t need to depend on negative reactions to depressing situations in my life.
I use HALT regularly. Am I hungry(H), angry(A), lonely(L), or tired(T)? Do I need to eat, talk to someone, or sleep? I tell ya, communication about our depression can cut it in half. Also, reading about someone who is worse off than I am can bring me back to love.
Thank you for a great topic.
Best Regards,
Sara
Suzie, I could have written 90 percent of your post. The great irony is that as I read it, I felt true compassion for you, but I couldn’t extend that to feel any compassion for myself.
I believe that as long as I am useful, then I can justify taking up space. Talk to anyone who knows me, and they’ll tell you I’m a dynamic, funny, go-getter, over-achiever. I’ve always heard the message that if I just do more and try harder, or wear a sunny a smile, then that real smile will come, my successes will increase. My attitude will change my reality. It’s not working, so I can only continue to conclude that I’m a total ditz-brain loser, and I continue to work VERY hard to compensate. The effort of being two people is exhausting.
It is fascinating to look at the disparity between the self we show and the one who’s doing the driving.
The big issue with depression is that kids are suffering from it at earlier and earlier ages. When I taught coping skills to classes of 4th & 5th graders they initially submitted anonymous reports of their level of ability to get over (1)anger, (2)sadness, & (3) how much of the time they liked themselves. Sadly on average around 40% or more of students in these classes revealed difficulty dealing with these key issues of emotional health. The good news they are eager to learn how to control the way their brain lowers or intensifies stress from everyday loss, rejection, betrayal & humiliation. This made them more self-empowered, self-disciplined & coping competent.
The power to regulate brain impulses that lead to stress is not rocket science. If these 9-2 yr. old pre-teens can learn healthy coping skills in less than 3-hrs. why not adults? Too bad the needless suffering continues to plague so many kids and continues through teenage and adult years. Prevention-focused emotional health education is the “front line” in developing greater emotional resiliency. Too bad few schools or community health centers offer this type of practical education. The website we launched last year, without any marketing, public or private funding, has now been visited by over 30,000 kids, parents and counseling professionals. Maybe there is hope yet to help people avoid their needless suffering!
Sara, that is so interesting! Using HALT to reconsider your thoughts and feelings as *symptoms*, not necessarily real information about your surroundings.
When we can see those things as symptoms of a bigger problem, as you have, I think you have a greater potential to separate yourself from your depression. As you put it so well, Sara, seeing the forest for the trees. You know, instead of thinking everything’s just one more tree in your way.
When I read the term HALT, I immediately thought of what parents are sometimes advised to do when helping an upset child. Kids who are hungry, tired, sick, or bored can act up. It really pays to figure out if you have a much more solvable problem than it seems. And that would apply to depression, too.
Thanks for the insightful comment.