Texting — or textese, as some call it — is a wonderful shorthand method for communicating with others, especially your partner or special someone. What better way to let them know you’re thinking of them, that you love them, that they are the highlight of your day?
Which is a great thing you should be doing (if you’re not).
What texting is absolutely horrible for, however, is an argument or an in-depth discussion about any kind of serious issue. You shouldn’t do it — here’s why.
First, let’s acknowledge that all forms of not-in-person (NIP) communication lack nonverbal cues. ((Except for video, which isn’t relevant to this discussion.)) Nonverbal cues, if you’ll remember from your Psychology 101 class, are what make up the majority of our communication with one another.
Once you’ve taken away a huge chunk of how we communicate, what you’re left with is something that’s going to be a little less than what you started with. Which is fine for most day-to-day communication with one another. “Hey honey, can you pick up some milk on your way home?” “Yb.” Done — simple, straight-forward, and to the point.
But how about this one: “I didn’t like it when put down my sister in our conversation last night. Not cool.”
This is much harder to parse… Is that simply assertiveness, or is there some anger in there too? Is she joking, because she puts down her sister all the time when she’s not around? Without knowing the emotional tone that accompanies that statement, it’s hard to say. Really, is a smiley face enough to convey complex emotions?
It would take another 4 or 5 texts just to clarify that one, and you can see how quickly it could progressively go downhill. Fast. Because the miscommunication and assumptions about what is being said will just start to pile on top of each other, confusing the receiver and adding even more miscommunication and hurt feelings into the mix.
Texting, by its very nature, is meant to be brief. It was designed to convey short snippets of information so people could connect with one another more easily, without a phone call. ((And it works wonders in that way! You connect with friends you’re meeting, you keep each other in the loop about your latest boyfriend or girlfriend, talk about dates, schoolwork, and even your job.))
But any conversation that’s serious or is likely going to lead to a disagreement deserves more than a text. A text is simply too short — lacking too much valuable emotional content — to do justice to who you’re sending it to.
Texting to Avoid Talking About Difficult Things
You may think, “Hey, wait a minute, I’m doing them (and me) a favor, by not having to bring this awkward subject up face-to-face.” Sorry, but then you’re avoiding an important component of what life is all about — learning to cope effectively and directly with all that life hands you.
By not talking face-to-face about difficult subjects, you’re simply engaging in what psychologists call “avoidance,” a defense mechanism. You’re avoiding the topic rather than facing it head on, using texting as a way to sort-of talk about it, but without all that messy irrationality that comes with a regular, direct conversation.
If a relationship is about emotionality, that means it’s about opening yourself up to another person so the two of you can share in all of life’s joys, pleasures, pitfalls, and circumstances whole-heartedly. Being emotional isn’t just limited to positive emotions — sometimes we have to deal with the negative ones too. Not dealing with them — by texting through a difficult conversation — is a good way to ensure your relationship will end sooner than it has to.
Need to talk to your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend or partner about something serious?
Put down the phone and talk to them next time you see them. You’ll be happy that you did.
4 comments
Does this count for the “old fashioned” emailing? There had been times of arguing or talking about something serious that’s been sent to me by email. I agree that it’s not cool. Because things seem more serious when expressed in text. I do not do well in arguing by texting. It very often goes back and fourth, whereas in face to face, the arguing gets settled quicker or it just desolves.
It’s much easier to bring something up that’s sensitive by texting than it is to confront someone face to face. But to me it’s much harder to be confronted by text than by face to face. So if you send something out, expect to get the same back.
I usually do very well with difficult conversations and wouldn’t want to have them by text. Both people say what the issues are, things may get heated but never out-of-control, and eventually, we each hear what the other is trying to say. Resolution is consistently amicable. However, one person in my life isn’t willing to have an equitable conversation without emotionally reacting at the first sign of disagreement. I’m unable to finish a sentence, tolerate a barrage of accusations and misrepresentations, and honestly, can’t get a word in to help the person understand where I’m coming from. When I try to say my point of view, I’m called names and accused of being mean. The ONLY way I’ve been able to complete a sentence with this person when things get tense is by either emailing or texting. She ridicules me for writing things out, but doesn’t hesitate to blast me with long emotional texts. When I write things out, she claims willingness to sit ‘like adults’ to talk, but when we try this, she uses power plays and interruptions to prevent me from talking. When the raging starts, I leave the room. Occasionally, after time passes, she comes back to me to apologize…but my fear of another conflict is constant. Texting in this case is the only way I can at least FEEL like I’ve been heard. This person is a close relative, so leaving is not an option. My point is, saying NEVER to text during a conflict may be unfair to those of us with limited options.
Maybe its bad for some people, but good for others.
I know from my life that I was having problems around a sensitive subject with my spouse. It always ended in yelling and screaming. I resolved to argue ONLY by email. At first he was resistant, but I told him it gives us time to think about what the other said, and gives us time to respond less emotionally. And you can go back and re-read them, and maybe you’ll understand what they said from a different perspective. It also means that you can’t deny saying things.
It worked! Our relationship is much better now.
(He is a Briggs Myers INTJ, and I am a INTP.)
But you also now need to reward your Husband with some Email Sex……