I was eating my California wrap outside at a local coffee shop in Boston when without reason I began to weep. Tears began rolling down my face, which made me feel as if I were sitting in a steady rain. It was as if my eyes had suddenly sprung a leak or a nearby sprinkler had found me.
Initially I didn’t have any feeling, but within seconds after the tears began like a fountain, I felt what seemed like an inconsolable pain — a deep sorrow that grew in intensity. It was as profound and moving as any emotion I’ve ever had.
Within the space of a brief moment I had gone from enjoying my lunch at a sidewalk café on a beautiful late summer day in Boston to a crying, blubbering mess. What the hell was going on?
I could not pull myself out of this tailspin. It was embarrassing. I put my wrap down and immediately covered my eyes, rubbing them slightly. When I opened them, to my amazement, there were four or five other people in this outdoor café crying as well. Perhaps there were 50 people seated in this area: Ten percent of us were crying.
But where was it coming from? Nothing in my thoughts or experience seem to be bringing it on.
I just finished a morning at a lecture by Jon Kabat-Zinn at Harvard Medical School. He spoke eloquently about how Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), the techniques he pioneered on meditation, had taken hold in many areas around the world from business to education; from therapy to medicine; and in physical and mental health. He highlighted the extraordinary number of researchers and research being done, and took time to highlight the work of Barbara Fredrickson, one of the leading researchers on positive emotions.
There was some very interesting new material on how meditation, particularly mindfulness meditation, has been helpful in bringing about very positive changes for its practitioners. His topic was entitled Many Doors — One Room: The Deep Transformative Implications of Mindfulness, and he described the many meditation practices that could lead to transformation.
Dr. David A. Silbersweig, professor of psychiatry and the dean for academic programs for Harvard Medical School also spoke that morning on a neurobiological model of mindfulness. There were over a thousand attendees and his opening remarks presentation was just what we were hoping to hear: Evidence-based rationale for mindfulness. In other words — nothing to cry about.
The program was being sponsored by Harvard Medical School for two days on learning how to incorporate mindfulness meditation into psychotherapy. But we didn’t just come to hear about the latest research.
Day two would feature Thich Nhat Hanh, perhaps the most widely known living Zen Master. He is distinguished for his poetry and writing, as well as for his peace and human rights activism. His work on promoting inner transformation through mindfulness meditation has evoked worldwide inspiration. Martin Luther King, Jr., had nominated him for the Nobel Peace Prize.
As I looked up from my crying jag I saw, and felt, Thich Nhat Hanh walking toward me. He was with a dozen or so monastics in their brown robes moving along the sidewalk toward the hotel. Hundreds of people were walking behind and dozens more alongside were taking photographs.
He passed within two feet of me and as I saw his deeply serene face my sobbing reached a depth I had not before experienced. It was then I caught the eye of one of the monastics walking near him. Her broad, infectious smile let me know two things: Yes it was he, and yes experiencing my pain was necessary for transformation.
I went back to the afternoon lectures, took notes and went out for a salad for dinner. I was back in my hotel room by seven o’clock, wrote down some notes for this article, and meditated. I was in bed by 7:30 p.m. and didn’t wake up for 12 hours.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s presentation, Healing the Heart with Mindfulness, explained that by being in the present moment we don’t get lost in our future or past thoughts. By cultivating just being with whatever is bubbling up and happening, by staying present we soften our heart and mind. Healing comes as a result of us holding our pain. In fact, he said mindfulness meditation was like a mother holding a crying baby until it felt safe and could calm down. He made a particular point of saying that we must be in touch with our pain directly through the mindfulness meditation because this will actually reduce our suffering while allowing us to experience joy and happiness. I’ve meditated for over 25 years but somehow I’d never let in this level of pain.
Later in the day he led over 1,000 of us on a walk through Boston to the park. I was midway in the crowd in this silent, walking meditation. It was interesting to hear the horns and the angry drivers who were stopped so we could cross the street.
Thich Nhat Hanh was a good 200 or more yards in front of where I was walking when he stopped and began doubling back toward the middle section of long line of walkers. We halted to curve around him as he kept walking. As it turned out, he sat down and began his mediation directly across from where I was, about 15 feet away.
The tears from the day before started up again. A moment after we sat the flood of tears gave way to that now-familiar deep feeling of sorrow. I stayed with it and in a surprisingly short period of time I could feel a wholeness and joy emanating from inside. I had closed my eyes for the experience and when I opened them Thich Nhat Hanh’s radiant smile was waiting.
I have changed my meditation practice since that day to allow for more acceptance of the uncomfortable feelings and have been finding a greater access to feeling more joy and happiness.
Perhaps my transformation can now begin.
7 comments
Reading this reminds me of the experiences cult followers have; uncontrolled emotions, leader worship, and a irrational belief that their leader will answer their prayers / magically fix them. Perfect example of the cult of personality, justification of effort, the placebo effect, and antidotal stories. Why don’t you stick to the hard science instead of giving a wispy, pseudoscientific story.
Beautiful account, Daniel. Thank you for sharing your personal experience and recounting the value of embracing your sorrow, along with Thich Nhat Hanh’s encouragement. All of our emotions are valid.
Thank you for this. I was also at this Meditation and Psychotherapy conference and had a similar experience. The image of holding a child who has experienced physical and/or emotional pain has really stayed with me, and I have brought it into my own meditation practice as well as my work with my clients. Thank you for writing so eloquently about the experience.
I was actually in the Business entrance of the Park Plaza that day making a phone call. I looked up and Thay was entering through the revolving door. For a moment, he and I were the only ones in the entranceway. I hung up my phone, just feet from him. I smiled, with my hands in prayer position at my heart center, smiled and bowed. Thay did the same. I felt the pain that I carry in my heart center melt. A young monk came in and asked me to show Thay to the elevator. Honored, I began to lead him, but the desk attendant said he had to go to the main hotel entrance. The young monk asked if I knew the way and I said I did. He and I walked with Thay, several monks and several people behind us to the main entrance of the hotel. I chatted with the young monk who told me they had just come from D.C. We got to the main entrance, the young monk bowed in thanks, and the line of people who had formed behind us followed Thay into the hotel.
I was so honored to have had the opportunity to lead Thay to the hotel. I will never forget my chance encounter with him in the corridor. It was transforming. I too, have been better at meeting my pain and turning it to compassion. The walking meditation the next day was very powerful and healing as was sitting with him in the garden. Again, I was blessed with the opportunity of being in close proximity to him as he began the walk back to the hotel. It was truly a life-changing couple of days. It was great to read your account of the encounter as well. We are truly blessed. Namaste!
Thanks Dan. Very powerful, moving experience to read about! Thank you.
So simple to let the process of shedding my mind-body-spirit skin occur through mindful meditation.
So not easy to have the patience to let this process unfold on its own Timetable.
So not easy to remove or even adjust My Timetable with regard to feeling better, having my life “work” in the way I think it should, or being able to no longer have to experience life on life’s terms.
What I am learning is how much my unconscious expectation of meditation is that my enlightenment or even feeling better will happen immediately . That my noisy brain chemistry, ingrained habits and consequent behavior will change to serenity with 1, 5 or 100 sitting meditation sessions.
Perhaps that is why I could relate so strongly to the impact that my teacher (Thich Nhat Hanh or Thay as students call him) had upon this young psychologist in Boston.
Thay is truly an embodiment of mindfulness, of the radiant healing energy that is possible to tap into if we only tune out of the world’s jangle and focus on what is left in our view and heart.
I am only a beginner at this mindfulness thing. More often than not, I am distracted by any person, place, or thing that crosses my mind when I try to clear it.
Yet, whenever I hear Thay’s name, see his picture, or experience him on a computer streaming of a Dharma session, I feel such intense love that I know it goes beyond any such energy that I could feel for one person.
I feel the love energy that is part of my genetic code as a child of the divine (as we all are). I feel my love energy birthright, the one that was so intense at the moment of my entry into this earth experience 71 years ago and that I have been slowly working my way back to for a lifetime (as we all have).
The really neat thing about that love energy is that it doesn’t just saturate my body, mind and spirit, it supersaturates me. It crowds out everything toxic or negative and occupies my body as it always does when I let it.
When I let it.
When I let it.
I invite you to read his beautiful piece again. And if you are not in to such reading, to enjoy the marvelous picture that accompanies it.
If you are a mind to, spend a moment or two in the presence of your own silence. Breath in your own quiet and just feel it. Observe it. Embrace it. Breathe out and release it back into the unknown ether.
Just sharing on a relatively cool day after Cinco De Mayo from my patch of God’s earth here in Central NJ, USA.
What’s happening in your neck of the woods?
copyright 2014 JudySheppsBattle
Very nice account…except for paragraphs 6-10 which can be edited out to improve flow and maintain the emotional feel in the article instead of side tracking into some intellectual left brain analysis. Nice experience. Namaste