Blogger Katherine Stone at Postpartum Progress, will host the first annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health this Mother’s Day. This online event will feature 24 open letters to new mothers on the importance of maternal mental health. Each hour, on the hour, for 24 hours straight, Postpartum Progress will post a different “Letter to New Moms.” The writers, survivors of and experts on perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, will share their humor, experience, tips and ideas, focusing on the mental health of women during pregnancy and postpartum.
Here’s my letter, but make sure you visit Postpartum Progress to read the other 23!
Dear New Mother,
I have just one piece of advice for you: don’t try to be a martyr. Consider your own needs along with the baby’s, your husband’s, your mother’s, your mother’s cousin’s, and those of La Leche League.
Learn from my mistake.
I tried so hard to do the right thing for everyone else but me. I weaned myself off of my antidepressant because I wanted to breastfeed, to give my infant the best possible start … the golden stuff right out of the boob. So my lactating breasts and I were on call, with no substitute available, for months and months and more months … long enough for me to make the walk of shame from the maternity ward to the psych ward.
I don’t think I closed my eyes for longer than three hours for four years. And I am still paying the price for that carelessness: my severe mood disorder, my pituitary tumor, my hormonal imbalance … all of them, I believe, resulted from my mission to be the self-sufficient martyr mom.
Ironically, by trying to be a perfect mom, I ended up being a much worse one: crying uncontrollably in front of my little boy for two straight years, unable to discipline him for a tantrum because it looked like I was having an endless one myself. In trying to hold it all together by myself, I ended up a sleep-deprived hormonal and biochemical mess, a person who was so exhausted that the only reprieve she thought possible was death.
Don’t let that happen to you.
If you need to, by all means supplement your breastfeeding so that you can take a break, so you can get eight hours of sleep at least once a week. If your husband travels and you have no family help available, hire some help. Trust me, it is much less expensive to do it that way than to shell out $20,000 in hospital fees like I had to.
Don’t be foolish enough to think that new moms need to be martyrs for their babies.
Keep some of your old life.
Be selfish.
Steal the time away when you can.
Good moms still need breaks. Had I grabbed more rest and play for myself in my kids’ early years–had I maintained a sliver of my former life–I may have been more resilient to the crush of depression. In hindsight, it might have been better to work part-time or even full-time–to look forward to and be stimulated by something outside the home–rather than stay in captivity, held by guilt of older moms or more opinionated moms or more self-assured moms that told me good moms stay home.
Listen to your own voice.
Its message might differ from the books you’re reading.
I wish I would have listened to my intuition more in those years. But I lacked the confidence because I had no experience in this motherhood thing. The books, the neighbors, the relatives … they all must know better than me, I thought. So I let my boy cry it out for seven hours to teach him how to sleep only to find out both eardrums were bright red with infections. Ah, I shake my head at how easily I yielded my own authority out of insecurity.
New mom, please, I beg you. Take care of yourself.
This is no time to be a martyr. Your baby needs you too much.
12 comments
Too bad you made no mention of breastfeeding-safe medication. You can have your cake and eat it too by doing what’s best for yourself and your baby and it doesn’t involve formula. If it’s a simple antidepressant you’re after, take Zoloft. I did. My 7 year old did fine on my breastmilk and continues to do fine in every aspect of her daily life.
Sometimes, medications cannot fix depression during breastfeeding.
Dear New Mothers,
Don’t make the same mistake this writer did. Learn the real facts about breastfeeding and depression medication. Know that there are options that can both treat your completely legitimate mental health needs and preserve your breastfeeding relationship. Know that your needs and your baby’s needs are not always in conflict. Breastfeeding need not be a soul-crushing, life-stealing endeavor. Indeed, you might find (as many do, as I do) that it is a life preserver, that it sustains and nurtures you and your baby through the good times and the bad.
how is it that breasfeeding your little beauty become something depressing? IT IS A BLESS…
There are medications safe for breastfeeding, and there are medications that are not. Sometimes the medications that are safe don’t work. Sometimes people make you feel guilty for taking medications regardless of whether they’re safe. Sometimes you just do not like breastfeeding, regardless of how successful or unsuccessful you are. And that’s OK. Whether you choose breastfeeding or formula, do what’s right for you and don’t let other people make you feel guilty.
Here we go again with the breastfeeding stigma. Silliness. Perhaps some of you might read this article from the Atlantic: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200904/case-against-breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is not a requirement of loving your child. Some people cannot breastfeed, for a variety of reasons. Why judge? A healthy mom and a healthy baby are all that matters.
Katherine,
I couldn’t agree more. I don’t understand how something so wonderful, breastfeeding, has become such a snobbish cult of sorts. I am fortunate to be able to breastfeed my child, but I couldn’t care less if someone else is not able to do the same or chooses not to for that matter. We, as mothers have the toughest job in the world. Therefore, lets join together and support one another instead of spending our time nitpicking and judging. Therese, I commend you for sharing the gritty details of motherhood.
What about mothers who cannot breastfeed or pump milk because their nipples have bled, torn, detached and/or scabbed over? I had to give up breastfeeding when this happened. I was heartbroken. My kids are all teenagers now and occasionally I have dreams where I have another baby simply so I can get breastfeeding right this time. My guilt is endless.
I believe some of you are missing the whole point of the article! I’ts not a breastfeeding issue! The point I believe she is trying to make is; you have to put your needs up there with the baby and your family. Healthy Mom breastfeeding or bottle is what children need. Working or at home, a smiling. hugging, interested, teacher is the ideal mom. Anyone who has experinced Depression knows we all have to find our own way to cope.