We go through our everyday lives with the pain of a thousand cuts.
They started when we were as young as 2, being told “No” when we asked our mom for more candy. Cut one. Then again when we wanted to play in the dirt. Cut two. Then when we got mad for not getting our way when we were 5. Cut three. Our first argument with our best friend. Our first breakup. Our first academic disappointment. Our first screw-up in sports. Our first horrible performance on an exam. In gym. For an oral presentation. Our first job interview.
We don’t always feel them deeply when they first occur. Sometimes a little cut is barely felt, but then it grows deeper and deeper with time. Some people never get over some of their cuts. Many take their own lives, because the cut, instead of healing, grew into such a large wound that it consumed their entire lives.
The cuts add up. Before you know it, you’re in your twenties and the cuts start to drag you down a little. Some of us have something called “resilience,” which means we rebound much quicker from the cuts and they don’t hurt as much. Others don’t have as much of this, or had it at one time and slowly lost it over time. Resilience isn’t well understood by psychologists yet, but having more of it makes life easier.
Cuts take their toll on our lives. We reel from the disappointment, the loss, the feelings of not being as good as we thought we were (or were told by our parents, or others). We feel the acute pain of the cut and it feels very much like we will never feel “normal” or happy again. Sometimes, a cut can make us hopeless, without a future.
I think some cuts run deeper than others, for instance, our first serious relationship that ends, or the loss of a parent, best friend or beloved family member. It can be hard (and maybe, in some cases, even impossible) to recover from such cuts. They never heal, we just learn to live with them.
All of these cuts try their hardest to teach us things. A cut about not getting what we want reminds us that life is full of disappointments and we should learn instead to better appreciate what we already have. A cut about a relationship breakup reminds us about the fleeting nature of human love and desire, and that if a relationship isn’t nurtured on a daily basis, like any flower in our garden, it can wither and die. A cut about losing a job or doing poorly in an interview can show us that the career or position we thought we needed was perhaps not as clear-cut as we imagined, suggesting a re-evaluation of our skills and goals. A cut from a close person’s death is a simple reminder of the shortness of our life here.
We can choose to learn from these thousand cuts, or we can choose to ignore them and simply bear the pain. Some choose the latter path, and go through life with the burden of a thousand unhealed cuts weighing them down. How can they live in such pain? Few can, so many choose an end to their own pain, or turn to other answers (such as religion). But still, it’s hard living with so many cuts.
Others choose to learn from the cuts, and let them heal. Learning from such pain isn’t always easy, nor quick. Sometimes it can take time — weeks, months, even years. But learning teaches us the value of life, and lessons about life that the sooner we learn, the more enjoyable (and livable) life becomes. Pain is transformed into knowledge, and more often than not, self-knowledge. And self-knowledge is empowering.
We go through our everyday lives with the pain of a thousand cuts. But once we learn those cuts are trying to teach us something, the pain lessens. The cut heals. And our lives become whole again.
6 comments
Thank you, that was beautiful.
Doctor Grohol,
As I follow your blog, I saw the leader lines on my dashboard. Naturally it made me pay attention, as I am a cutter in remission.
The last time I actually cut myself, was on a locked down ward at B______ in Philadelphia, in February of 2007. On, among other drugs, 600mgs of Thorazine, I took the scalpel from another patient and waited. I’d been in since late November.
They got me sewn up, moved me to the “bad ward” and released me three days later. Trust me, my friends made a stink!
I started early, around fourteen, or so. About the first time that my journey into Bipolar II started. A survivor of childhood molestation, artistic and emotional, I did not fit in my family’s “stiff upper-lip” approach.
We moved three countries by the time I was fourteen, not counting the moves between. I ended up in the states, after a stint in British boarding school.. That was because the Belgian school said I should see a psychiatrist, if I were to stay. My parents offered me boarding school. I jumped.
So, when the first depression hit on a lovely, sunny day, I felt dead inside. I started to cut, mildly and ate too many asprins once, with alcohol. I took myself to a councilor, who eventually told my parents, due to law. They were not happy, so I stopped.
Damaging myself in many ways over the years, I hit on cutting with razors. My arms are an awful tribute to the pain I sliced rather than talk about. I have mutilated myself in so many ways, but I won’t list them here. I don’t want to give any ideas to some one in pain.
I would like to say this. My body is scarred enough that I cannot wear short sleeves or shorts, unless I know you and you know me. Hurting yourself is a terrible way of dealing with emotions, because you will have to answer for all your feelings for years to come, when people ask about your scars.
Far better to speak about the inner frenzy, anguish, sadness, anger and confusion with some one, anyone. Because physical scars do not improve with age. And talking with some one may help you, may send you on a new path. May help you heal.
Dr. Grohol, your article spoke of the deep burden of unhealed cuts and said that some people chose suicide due to the pain of their wounds and some chose religion. Pairing a life-affirming choice to develop a relationship with God and a deadly choice to commit suicide is not just illogical, it is a cut in itself. By age 18 I reached the place of considering how to commit suicide and thankfully was offered the love of God and chose that instead. Your words seem to imply that faith in God is one of several substandard ways of dealing with the pain of life’s cuts. Having received an abundance of such cuts I must disagree with you. My relationship with my God has given me love, joy and peace as well as teaching me how to heal from the cuts of life and how to learn from them. Beyond even that it has taught me how to offer others sympathy when their wounds drag them down and they need a kind, listening ear. Thank you for allowing me to comment
This article has reminded me once again about how some people receive more cuts in their lives than seems fair. Many people go through their lives with a couple of shallow cuts, while others have multiple cuts of various depths. Sometimes it is hard to comprehend what it is what one should learn from a cut. It is usually only later, sometimes never, that one gauges the meaning and lesson. One must be willing to learn as well. I remember one of my lecturers in Psychology once say that the difference is how one copes with these cuts. This is what seperates people. Resilience is indeed a great mystery and I hope that one day I will better understand what helps people truly learn and heal from their cuts, and not just cover or hide them. As I believe that when one knows what it is that kindles this resilience, one could hopefully cultivate and utilise this. This would maybe prevent people from dealing so badly with their cuts.
First, we need a process that would allow ALL people to learn about cuts and what it does to them in the sense of self-esteem and confidence. You can’t learn from the cuts without help.
The second thing is we live in a society in which very few people think about or are aware of the effect they have on others. They have no problems of what they need, but little or no knowledge of what they have to give. There are many books on how to be more lovable, but few books on how to be more loving. Discovering the effect I could have radically changed my life and my own sense of my worth. I count and I am powerful.