It’s hard to ask for help. I know people who’ve gone years rather than get the help they need.
Prolonging asking for help means that you’re likely living in pain. Sometimes, a lot of pain. I’m not talking about the physical pain which comes from some sort of physical injury. No, I’m talking about the emotional pain that comes from grappling with a mental illness, substance abuse, or even an ongoing relationship issue.
That kind of pain takes a long time to heal on its own. That’s where there are people out there who are standing by, ready and willing to help.
All you need do is to find a way to ask for it.
Dr. Deb Serani had a good entry a week ago about how to ask for help, specifically the common myths and facts about “asking for help.” You should check out her article (linked below), but here are a few valuable, insightful snippets from it:
Myth: It makes us look vulnerable.
Truth: Asking for help creates an atmosphere of empowerment. It communicates to others that, while you may not have the answers, you are willing to find them and make things better. […]
Myth: Highly successful people never ask for help.
Truth: Actually, successful individuals will tell you that the key to success is knowing your strengths and weaknesses. Learning how to delegate, asking for help and letting others show you the way are part of the plan. Successful people are driven and motivated — and when the going gets tough, the tough ask for help!
I couldn’t agree more with that last one. The most successful people I know are ones who know what they’re good at and then surround themselves with people who are good at everything else. They readily acknowledge when they don’t know something and instead of pretending they know it, they ask questions to try and educate themselves.
You’re the best expert on yourself. But even though we’re all experts on ourselves, that doesn’t mean we don’t all sometimes need an outside opinion or someone to lend a hand. Even master carpenters need help building furniture. And a world-class violinist didn’t achieve that position on their own.
She ends her blog entry with these key points to remember about seeking out professional or other help for yourself when you’re struggling with something important in your life:
- Have realistic expectations for the kind of help you are seeking
- Express your needs simply and clearly
- Let others know you are there to help them as well
- Praise your pals for their assistance and pat yourself for asking for help
I think the number one reason why people don’t ask for help is simply fear. Fear that others will judge them for seeking help, fear that others will see them as weak or damaged. This fear is the same kind of fear that holds many people back in their lives.
But fear, like any emotion, can be overcome. It takes effort and work, but if you conquer this fear, you can seek out help and improve your life or situation. Every journey begins with a first step. Takes yours today.
Read the full entry: Dr. Deb: How To Ask For Help
14 comments
I think asking for help comes naturally to women, but with men it’s far different. Men feel that if they ask for help they will be perceived as weak and unnecessary. The classic example is of a man and woman who are driving around in a car lost and the man refuses to stop the car and ask for directions. I think it’s also the reason why there must be more women in therapy than men.
Wendy Aron, author of Hide & Seek: How I Laughed at Depression, Conquered My Fears and Found Happiness
http://www.wendyaron.com
I agree with the comment that “It makes us look vulnerable” MAY be a myth in SOME situations, in other cases the vulnerability is the truth rather than the myth.
Great article. I’ve written a book about this very thing!! Entitled Help is Not a Four-Letter Word: Why Doing It All is Doing You In published by McGraw Hill. I identify a NEVER BEFORE DISCUSSED self-defeating behavior I call The Self-Sufficiency Syndrome and the person a Self-Sufficient.
Since the book came out – I have spoken at many conferences, done 67 radio interviews, several TV interviews etc. and what I’m finding is that this is a near epidemic! Not only do many have difficulty asking for help but they also can’t delegate because no one else can do it as well.
I talk about what it is – where it came from and what we can do about it.
I would be happy to send you a book if you’d like to read more.
Peggy Collins
Speaker, Trainer, Author
http://www.helpisnotafourletterword.com
[email protected]
John,
It would be refreshing to hear someone from our profession fess up and speak to the barriers that we create which prevents folks from accessing professional help.
– Avrum
Guess what: If you’re in a highly competitive environment, asking for help DOES make you seem weak in the eyes of others. It may be true that it’s GOOD to ask for help so you can do things right, but in highly competitive environments where others are constantly vying for the place you’ve achieved for yourself, perceptions matter and asking for help provides a perception of weakness, not to mention an opportunity to lead you astray.
and asking for help provides a perception of weakness, not to mention an opportunity to lead you astray.
Working in mental health, I’ve never had to encounter those environments. Though many of my friends work in Commerce, and they would agree with your observation.
God is good
I am DOMINIC N I need help from every body .
I have no parents and i am feeling along so please pray for me to God
THANKS
From;D. N.
pray for me to God
Hi, I need someone to help me to solve the problem.
I felt that my life is empty and is boring. I feel lonely even though my family is around me. I feel jealous when i see couple holding hands, wherever I go.. either in my family or outside the community. I feel that I can’t carry on with my life anymore.. i really do not know what i want for my life.. and what kind of work should I do?
Recently, there is a problem in my office. There is a young lady sitting beside me, send me a msn and said.. whenever we talk we have conflicts, if this is the case, I just not suitable to work with you. If this so, let me know, I’ll leave this company.
This lady is a sensitive and straightforward person. When i read this, I began to angry with her but I blushed it away. I thought this is a small matter. Because of my manager ever told me that if there is any problem, tell me and don’t suffer silently. So, i went to tell my manager about it. After my manager heard what I told her about the problem from my side, she said that I was wrong. I admit it and apologized to my manager. I told my manager that I can only talked with her about only.. so that this will not caused any further conflict whenever we talked.
I didn’t go and apologized to the lady because I felt that she is a cunning person and she knows how to pretend. She handed her resignation letter but my manager asked her to stay back because this position is very difficult to find a person. Instead, my manager told me to leave the company if there is no improvement from me. This is ridiculous! Life is so unfair. The lady is the one who caused the problem, not me! I can see that my manager is on her side. My manager asked me to patch up with her with casually talk like before. I find it difficult to do it when the person hurt me. i can only talk with the lady about work only. My manager wanted me to take the 1st move. But, I don’t think I can do it because I am still angry with the lady. If I didn’t do it, i will ask to leave the company. I feel that i have no where to go because… if i leave the company, it will be very difficult for me to find another job. I have thought of opening gift shop which I like to do but I have no money and I don’t know where to start. If i really don’t have this job, i have no money to support my elderly parents and no money to pay my bills. Argh… I am stuck here. I really don’t know what I want for my life. So… I thought of giving up my life! What should I do? Please advice me.
ok… I found my answer already. I should change my lifestyle instead of keep thinking all the negative thoughts. Thanks to the doctor who taught me many good things. I will start all over again.
thankyou for the adice it came in hand
As a 27 year old i find myself going through life as usual. Personally as an individual working to continuously outgrow his Asperger’s Syndrome I remember as a teenager asking for help but everyone I tried to talk to was TOO busy.
Still I know that I need help but what can I say it’s a bit of pride believing that I can handle it on my own. Something tells me that I need to let go of my pride and finally ask for help.
what if the asking for help extends far beyond professional, what about the solitary individual who is unwilling to ask for help, but willing to help others no matter the situation?