One thing that strikes me about depression recovery is how people can become invisible to themselves. They don’t matter, they don’t “count,” and they take themselves out of the picture before anything ever happens.
I know this both professionally and personally. For myself, I know I just gave all I had to my daughters when I was depressed. I gave what I could as a wife and friend, but I put on my best for the girls. Not only did I think of them first, I just didn’t think about me hardly at all. I thought about my state of being and my misery, but I didn’t really think about ME as a whole significant human being.
Granted, it can be tough with a small baby who needs stuff around the clock. The joke about new moms not getting a shower until the afternoon is really no joke. Been there! But it was more than just that for me. Even when I got showered, dressed, “ready” in whatever way, I still didn’t really care for myself like I could have. I couldn’t – I could hardly get past the basics and I was overwhelmed with everything else. I’ve said it before, but it all just felt so hard.
After a while of living like this, I just kind of forgot about myself. I did what I needed to so I could be dressed appropriately for work, for bed, for getting out of the house to get groceries, and so on. I was pseudo-functional, as I stated in a post I wrote yesterday. But being functional and taking care of myself were completely different things.
When you are depressed, a lot of your thoughts tell you that you are so wrong in so many ways. Eventually, you might conclude that it would just be easier if you dropped into a hole somewhere and you didn’t need anything. If there is no way to make up for all your “wrongness,” then at least get out of the way. Don’t make any more fuss than you already are just by existing and breathing air.
You get into a bad mental habit of thinking like this after weeks, months, even years. Finally, when you are fortunate to find help in one form or another, you start to come out of the fog. As you come out of the fog, you discover a great deal about yourself that has changed since you’d been depressed. I forgot how to make myself important to myself and to others. I didn’t say anything if I thought things were touchy or there was conflict. I didn’t take the initiative to do something out of the blue that I enjoyed. Or if I did, I sometimes felt bad about it later. Then I forgot to keep it up. It’s like I felt bad for feeling good.
Depression thinking is the culprit here. Rampant negativism and a flood of shaming thoughts overrides the mind’s ability to fight back. After a while, it’s just easier to let it wash over for a while. When you are in depression recovery, it is important to remember that the flood is under better control.
It is indeed right and salutary that you should enjoy yourself and be significant in the world! The shame talk is not reality, that is the depression. Do not forget yourself, and make sure no one else does either.
I’ve spent a good deal of the day writing advocacy for postpartum depression. I’ve been in communication with the wonderful and passionate Katherine Stone, author of the blog “Postpartum Progress” and postpartum depression advocate. It’s been a great way to learn and stand up for women with pregnancy-related depression disorders.
I continue to find many annoying leftovers from my days of depression, and I know that black and white thinking is responsible for much of it. Something I find particularly exhausting and annoying is how I can make emotional mountains out of molehills. This is called catastrophizing. Inside my head, I let my imagination go wild and create the worst possible outcome for problems that have yet to occur. 
Depression is a common problem for people across the world. About 10 percent of the U.S. population over 18 has depression. Women report 
Today I got a surprise. I was at a day-long training with a variety of activities, and one of them was watching a short video about older people in the hospital. It depicted them being in their own thoughts, remembering times when they were younger, and how they looked at different stages of their life. It was intended to give us a better appreciation of the people who come for physical and mental care.
Huh?? That’s probably what you thought when you clicked on this blog post. Depression….. The X Files….. Right. I’ll admit, I’m a scifi fan, and the X Files is one of my all-time favorite shows. I’m old enough to have enjoyed it the first time around in the ’90s, and now I’m watching the entire series again on DVD. Yes, I’m a big nerd, but I digress.
Last night I was worried about a work thing that I felt less than ideally prepared for. Some parts were fine, but others worked against my weaknesses. In short, I was pretty worried. When I went in to work, it all went better than I expected. Some bumps in the road, but it was a great learning experience with good support. I knew this in my head going in, but I was still worried. And I was still somewhat worried about doing it the next time. So if my logic tells me it’s likely to be OK, why did I still get so worried?
What did President Roosevelt mean when he famously said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself”? Actually, Roosevelt’s been referenced a lot lately regarding the bad economy. What would he have known about how fear interacts with itself?
Alright, so I teased you a bit on the first post of this topic. You probably thought you were going to hear all about these so-called “emotional payoffs” I keep talking about. Well, here I will get to the “rest of the story.” 
The post I wrote earlier only seemed to stir up more thoughts about depression and motherhood. Of course, you could insert whatever mental illness into the place of depression and many of the consequences and outcomes would be similar. So here goes round two of motherhood and depression from a mom who’s been there.
Let me first say that I’m glad that many many mothers around the world can go about the challenging and rewarding job of parenting without experiencing mental illness. Clearly the majority of mothers can weather the storms without having their boat completely capsize. But the reality is that a modest percentage of mothers do experience depression, excessive anxiety, and other mental illnesses. 
What happens when it hurts too much to live? Can it really be too painful to live one more moment with emptiness, depression, and despair? Yes, for some people suicide seems like the only way out. 
Depression is like an unwelcome obnoxious guest at a party, the bully at the table next to you in school, the bad roommate you can’t kick out of your house. It’s overwhelming, saddening, frustrating, and imposing. When depression worms its way into a marriage, it can turn a good thing upside down in a short time. 