Author

Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

Erika Krull, MS, LMHP is a practicing licensed mental health counselor in Nebraska. She blogs regularly on the Psych Central blog, Family Mental Health.

Depression Leftovers Making a Catastrophe in My Mind

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 4/8/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

I continue to find many annoying leftovers from my days of depression, and I know that black and white thinking is responsible for much of it. Something I find particularly exhausting and annoying is how I can make emotional mountains out of molehills. This is called catastrophizing. Inside my head, I let my imagination go wild and create the worst possible outcome for problems that have yet to occur.

I know I do better to prevent it, yet I still continue to do it. I know better, and that’s what frustrates me. I can even say to myself, “Hey, this probably won’t be THAT bad.” But sometimes, the temptation is irresistible. I get sucked into the drama of playing out a worst-case-scenario in my mind.

It takes me through a whole range of emotions, which is an exhausting journey. Take a look at my Mood Swings Are Exhausting post from a few months ago to read more about that. Plus, I get full color images and emotionally charged dialogue to go with it. To make matters worse, I usually develop a few assumptions as the story progresses.

Those darned assumptions, they are a pretty tricky side effect. I must be careful that my emotional joyride doesn’t leap over the border into my real life. I might be in a real mood when my husband comes home because I took way too much meaning into a side comment. I could get teary and overly wrapped up in future events like my daughter’s surgery months before anything even happens.

I’m not advocating this, making a horror movie in your head about your biggest worries. It’s no fun and it rarely accomplishes anything helpful. And catastrophizing is a fairly common activity – it’s just worrying with an extra gear. But when it really gets rolling, I believe the depression thinking makes the extra push. Those old depression connections in my mind really know how to create a catastrophe out of not much. Even a semi-harmless worry can stimulate those nerve paths in my mind that used to run hot with worry and rumination for years.

I’m being honest here – I need to work harder to nip these in the bud. Some days the reminders of my worries seem to be all around me, but I know I’m primed to look for them, too. I think there’s a finer skill to be honed – capturing information, keeping what’s useful, and discarding anything that could run wild in my head.

I would do myself a favor by improving my ability to cut off any worrisome scenario before it got a head of steam. Finding emotional and thought triggers would be a good place to start. Acknowledge the fear, state what I know and what I need to learn, and then tell myself that my fear doesn’t necessarily dictate or match reality. It’s a challenge to adjust bad thinking patterns, but a simple approach can help.

I can’t change the fact that I had depression. I probably can’t change the reality that I’m more susceptible to these leftovers like worry and catastrophizing. But I’ll do my darnedest to use these opportunities to learn about myself. And stopping catastophes before they start? Well, I guess I’ll take that over depression any day.

4/8/2025 6 comments

Is It Depression Or Just A Bad Mood?

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 4/3/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

Depression is a common problem for people across the world. About 10 percent of the U.S. population over 18 has depression. Women report depression twice as often as men, though it’s not clear if this really shows how many men and women really have depression. And if you have already had depression once, you are at a higher risk of relapsing. It’s a good thing to consider whether you are dipping into clinical depression or just have a low moment.

Here are some things to check for if you think you might be headed toward a depressive episode:

Thoughts

Being aware of your thinking patterns can really help. If you are thinking more negatively than usual, you may just be having a rough day. But also take a look at how those thoughts are affecting your decisions, your outlook on things beyond that day. Are you more frustrated with things, or are you really beating yourself up?

Having trouble concentrating is another symptom of depression. Negative thoughts can lead to trouble making decisions, confusion or forgetfulness. Just a day or two of this doesn’t mean you necessarily have depression. But if your thoughts turn suicidal, seek help right away.

Emotions

You can feel sad or down without having depression. But you do need to take note of how down you really get. Are you feeling mildly sad or let down, or are you feeling hopeless and helpless? Also, with depression you many feel a sense of being overwhelmed with emotion and have a negative or sad mood that others can sense.

Again, if someone notices you are down or crying, that doesn’t automatically mean you have depression. But if they notice this for several weeks, they may also have noticed other symptoms of an impending episode.

Physical Behaviors

Sleep disruption and appetite changes are hallmarks of depression. A night or two of disrupted sleep or eating isn’t necessarily a big deal. But if this continues and makes life even more difficult than it already is, you may need to talk to someone about what’s going on.

Try Something To Shake the Depressive Feeling

Do something about your mood to change it. Go for a walk, talk to a friend, make a decision to think differently for the rest of the day, watch a funny show. Do something that you think would likely help you break the monotony of your mood and thinking patterns. Sometimes, just getting distracted and out of your own head can change the course of your day. Sometimes just getting a good night of sleep can help clear the negative thoughts and give you fresh start.

All of these are things you have probably done at one time or another to give yourself a lift. If these work, chances are you have just had a down day or two. You are capable of bouncing back from a mildly low mood and going on with your life.

If, however, you find that these things don’t work and you continue to feel these symptoms for two weeks or longer, you may be heading into a depressive episode. You may need to take a wait-and-see approach before you can really know where it’s going.

Get Help Now If Things Seem Really Bad

But even if it only lasts for less than a day, if you have thoughts or feelings that truly disturb you, or you seem uncontrollably weepy, call a doctor or mental health counselor. If it is disrupting your daily life or you feel like you might hurt yourself, don’t wait for two weeks — get help now. Supportive friends and family also can help you through these low times. Whether you have a bout with depression or just a low day, a warm support network can help you snap back to your old self.

4/3/2025 1 comment

Unexpected Crying: How Do You Handle It?

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 3/29/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

Unexpected Crying: How Do You Handle It? Today I got a surprise. I was at a day-long training with a variety of activities, and one of them was watching a short video about older people in the hospital. It depicted them being in their own thoughts, remembering times when they were younger, and how they looked at different stages of their life. It was intended to give us a better appreciation of the people who come for physical and mental care.

The room was dark, and I could feel the emotion coming in the last 30 seconds or so. I was happy there was a tissue box nearby because the tears were practically squirting out of my eyes by then. I could not do a thing about it except to soak them up on the tissue. I was over the edge from the undeniable emotion that swelled inside, and I wouldn’t be coming back for a little while.

I know that if I’d tried to stifle that, I’d probably have gotten a headache. And I may have cried later anyway. Thankfully, this was a fairly safe group of about a dozen people. The facilitators had planned the video just before a break. Each time they’ve done the training, someone has needed to take a private moment before joining the group because they cried. The timing helped to make it less embarrassing or noticeable if someone was missing for a few moments.

While I was definitely caught off guard, I’m so glad I had the chance to express myself and recover with a bit of privacy. It gave me a chance to connect with some work associates I hadn’t gotten to know very well yet. And truthfully, ever since I was pregnant with my first child, touching family stuff like this video has made me much more prone to crying.

I can also expect to cry at least a few times every time I’m at Disney World. I have gone with my kids and parents the last couple of years, and I also went as a child many times with my sister and parents. When I’m watching the parade, seeing Cinderella’s castle for the first time, watching the performers in front of the castle, all of it. It floods my senses and nearly always overflows my emotional channels. So technically, that isn’t unexpected. But it is in public and I have no control over it.

I used to be more self-conscious of this, and in a less comfortable circumstance, I’m still more wary of letting it go. However, I’ve simply decided that in those kinds of situations, I’m more willing to be authentic than to appear in control. The tears say to me that the experience is meaningful. It stirs past fond memories, makes me think of important people, connects generations together, or impresses other deep things on my heart.

If I can’t control the flow of tears or emotion anyway, what good does it do to deny myself the expression? Some of these are tears leftover from grieving a death, some of these are tears of joy for passing on traditions, some of these are tears of nostalgia for happy experiences that shaped my life.

That’s just how I have learned to deal with these expressions. I also spent some years crying in private shame from depression that no one really understood or knew about. Perhaps because of that, I’m both more easily triggered and more ready to be open about it.

Anyway, I’m interested to learn more about how you have handled unexpected emotion that has caused you to cry or almost cry in public. Did it feel OK, or did you feel uncomfortable and fight it? What were the circumstances?

3/29/2025 87 comments

How Depression Is Like The X Files

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 3/24/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

Huh?? That’s probably what you thought when you clicked on this blog post. Depression….. The X Files….. Right. I’ll admit, I’m a scifi fan, and the X Files is one of my all-time favorite shows. I’m old enough to have enjoyed it the first time around in the ’90s, and now I’m watching the entire series again on DVD. Yes, I’m a big nerd, but I digress.

A couple of nights ago, I watched one of the many alien conspiracy episodes involving Agents Scully and Mulder, Assistant Director Skinner, Alex Krycek, and a host of other folks mixed up in a thick plot. This is somewhere in the last of nine seasons, so alien conspiracy and high drama are not new to the regular viewer by this time.

I had a few thought collisions today, leading me to compare depression with the X Files. I was briefly distracted from my normal writing tasks when I recalled what I was thinking during the episode I watched recently: “Geeze, it always seems like nobody believes these people, even when there’s clearly a huge problem.”

They can’t tell anybody, they don’t know who to trust, and whoever they do tell surely will think they are crazy. Really, who would ever believe that the informant who is trying to feed the agents helpful information really has the scar from a metal chip in his neck because he’s an alien hybrid? Even though all the viewers and the key cast members know all about this threat, the agents never seem to know who they can trust. They live in a world of worry, peril, secrecy, and confusion.

Ta-da. There’s my connection. I have often said to myself that my depression felt like an alien had taken over my brain, though the takeover wasn’t complete because I still knew that I was me. I was just disabled enough to have little control but aware enough to realize I wasn’t able to get the alien out by myself.

I needed help. This wasn’t normal; I knew something was different. But what? And how do I describe this? Would anyone believe me? And would I wish I would have kept my mouth shut once I said something? How will this affect my job, my kids, my marriage? I can’t keep going on like this, but I don’t know if I can tell anyone either. Which is more dangerous?

And all Mulder, Scully, and Skinner have is each other. They’ve witnessed and been through difficult things that would be hard to believe unless you’d been there. Depression often is that unbelievable, too. Unless you have felt the takeover of your mind, seen the lost look on your own face in the mirror, and begun to doubt everything you’ve known, it can be hard to understand from the outside.

Fortunately, there is much more support and help available for people with depression than there ever seemed to be for Scully, Mulder, and Skinner. Those aliens just kept coming at them and they kept fighting them tooth and nail. Suddenly, I’m feeling a fond kinship with these X Files heroes – alien fighters to the end.

3/24/2025 7 comments

Negative Anticipation Set Up For Worry

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 3/19/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

Last night I was worried about a work thing that I felt less than ideally prepared for. Some parts were fine, but others worked against my weaknesses. In short, I was pretty worried. When I went in to work, it all went better than I expected. Some bumps in the road, but it was a great learning experience with good support. I knew this in my head going in, but I was still worried. And I was still somewhat worried about doing it the next time. So if my logic tells me it’s likely to be OK, why did I still get so worried?

Worrying is feeling anxious about something that could or will happen in the future. The emotion usually includes fear of either something specific or of the unknown. Your heart beats faster, you might feel sweaty, and you often feel a sense of physical tension in your muscles. All of this goes on plus a whole lot of “what if” kinds of questions.

And here’s the kicker. All of this is based on your negative anticipation about the upcoming possible situation. Your beliefs about your abilities to handle things often create negative anticipation. If it is something you have strong confidence about, you don’t get worried because you have a positive expectation of your performance.

This could come from some past difficult experiences or it could be because you have no experience and you think you will flop. For example, if you have tried to get your driver’s license three times and keep flunking the driving test, you might start to really get worried about that. If you get caught up in that past difficulty and project it into negative anticipation, you are likely to dread every moment until you get the results of the test. And you might even worry about your eventual disappointment at failing yet again.

If you were going to try out for a play but had never done it before, your worry might stem from not having any idea what could happen up there. Will you freeze? Could you start sweating profusely? Will you embarrass yourself so much you’ll want to hide? If you have had other experiments like this that have ended in disappointment, you might begin to worry here, too.

A person who enjoys the challenge of trying new things would probably know they could mess up, but would feel more excitement than anything else. And really, fear and excitement are different sides of the same coin. Much of your interpretation depends on your personality, collection of experiences, and attitude.

So there I was, feeling worry that I’d have the opportunity to mess up, and in the end I think I really did pretty well. Although it might not have felt like it then, I know this will add to my collection of positive experiences about this work situation. I have a few strategies to help me with the parts I’m not comfortable with, which should take some of the negative anticipation out of the way.

I could just hate it every time and see if I could get away with quitting this job. But you know, I’m starting to see the adventure in this scenario. Maybe instead of worrying, I’ll be saying to myself, “Wow, I can’t wait until the next time I get to go.” Hmmm, I don’t know, but it’s gotta be better than worrying all night.

3/19/2025 1 comment

Fear Is a Hungry Monster

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 3/9/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

What did President Roosevelt mean when he famously said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself”? Actually, Roosevelt’s been referenced a lot lately regarding the bad economy. What would he have known about how fear interacts with itself?

The current global economy and the Great Depression have more in common than just bad stock markets. They also had a healthy dose of daily fear. I do not profess to be any sort of economist or historian. But I can see how this works judging from my personal perspective on this calamity.

Investing money takes confidence; confidence that your money will generally do well if you choose wisely. Those willing to be especially bold might opt for investments with higher risks but higher potential payoffs. Others might rather keep their money growing slowly and steadily until they need it way down the road.

When people see the property values tumbling, jobs being lost in their neighborhood, and their 401k’s shrinking, they become afraid. They don’t go out to eat as often, they put off building that new house, they don’t drive out of town as often.

Here’s an example of how the slow-down in the housing market can affect a community across the country. Fear and shaky finances hold back people interested in building new homes. Fewer construction projects are started. Fewer heavy duty trucks deliver building supplies, and therefore require fewer oil filters. Orders for filters drop at a filter manufacturing plant. Plant workers get laid off to match slowed demand. The community gets a job-cut shock, and more fear and financial problems abound.

Of course, it’s always wise to live within your means and save money for the future. But when people dramatically change their spending habits all at once because of an emotional reaction, it can act like a chain reaction that grows strong over time. A person cuts way back on spending because they fear what could happen to their job. Other dominoes fall in the economy, and more problems occur. These problems further reinforce and justify the person’s fear. As a result, they cut their spending to the bare minimum. Fear begets more fear, which then feeds the fear even more. The bigger the monster grows, the hungrier it gets.

When people get locked into this kind of fear, it can make getting out of the situation fairly difficult. People need some kind of confidence to spend their money. Trust is slow to build and easy to lose. And right now, I sense a hefty skepticism in how soon things will improve. People are still waiting for the other shoe to drop with job layoffs. They are holding their breath when they hear about the stock market. They are building a stack of unopened investment reports in their file cabinets.

Really, I am no economist and don’t know exactly what financial mechanics it will take to make things improve. But many people are waiting for better news to start releasing the tension in their shoulders. They are waiting to feel some twinge of optimism from reading the newspaper. They want to see more job openings than layoffs in their community. When those things happen, the collective emotion of the country may start to shift. The fear monster can eventually go back into the
shadows for a while.

3/9/2025 0 comment

Sick Days, Working Parents and the Bad Economy

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 2/23/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

It’s an epic battle that surfaces every year in about October, and usually dies down in the spring. Microscopic invaders keep thousands of kids home from school every day during the fall, winter, and early spring months. Parents do their best, but we often feel powerless to prevent sick days. In light of the current national job situation, a working parent today may have more on their mind than just their child’s health.

I work part time and am able to stay home with my kids most of the time. Nevertheless, I have had my share of trouble with “kid germs” interfering with my work schedule. I’ve missed more than one “really important meeting,” rescheduled training days, and reworked my writing projects around nebulizer treatments and doctor’s appointments. We’ve hit the jackpot of bad germ luck this year – someone in our family has been at home from work or school for eight consecutive weeks. Yes, eight weeks. And we might be working on a ninth by the looks of things today.

So I have contemplated many times – what in the world would parents employed full-time have done with my situation? Many corporations have policies about use of sick days for yourself and family. If you use too many, you might be at risk for violating attendance policies and not being fully available to do your job. Having anything resembling a red flag at work is about the last thing anyone wants now.

I’m not saying lots more people are getting fired now because they have taken a few extra sick days. But working parents are already anxious about so many things right now. College savings are shrinking, retirement accounts are dwindling, nearly everyone knows at least one person who’s been laid off or had reduced time at work because of the economy. Just read the newspapers – it’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop with job cuts, maybe in your workplace. And now you have to deal with opportunistic microorganisms?

Yes, this is a reality for many working parents. Some communities have sick-child day cares. Other people have friends or family with flexible schedules to help out. And some parents load up on disinfectant and pray. Do you send them to school knowing they are sporting a fever, or do you risk a verbal warning from your vice president because of yet one more sick day? It’s making my stomach queasy just thinking about it.

I don’t have any really good answers here. Of course, the best defense is to wash hands, use sanitizers, and avoid touching things in really public places. Not too realistic with schools and day care centers, but it’s just about all we have to work with. I know that if I’m worried about it, other parents are, too. Everyone wants to just close their eyes and coast through this next year, hoping to wake up to a brighter, less job-threatening economy.

It’s likely to be several more months until it really looks a lot better, according to all the economy pros. Probably not the only wintery germ season we’ll go through with nervous parents hoping to keep their jobs off the chopping block. Until then, I can say this. Thank the heavens above that spring is right around the corner.

2/23/2025 2 comments

Emotional Payoffs Finally Revealed

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 2/16/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

Alright, so I teased you a bit on the first post of this topic. You probably thought you were going to hear all about these so-called “emotional payoffs” I keep talking about. Well, here I will get to the “rest of the story.”

Just a caveat, this whole self-awareness thing can be kind of dicey. Be careful what you ask because you might get answers that make you uncomfortable. If you see yourself in these descriptions, try not to soak it up too strongly all at once. Just make a note of it and read on through the end. Keep in mind that the first post referred to your special someone becoming disinterested in a night out with you. We will now look at the emotional possibilities with this conflict.

Angry and vocal – This brings the confrontation to a head quickly. The payoff could be good if something has been brewing and needs to be discussed. If the emotion can stay in control and a good conversation can begin, the evening may be better for it. Or, you might be feeling powerless and this is a way to make your special someone know you have power in this relationship, too. Payoff – This direct confrontation can make you feel in control, though you might lose the evening if you push it too far.

Slow and simmering anger – Being passive-aggressive like this is also about feeling powerless. You are rubbing it in their face somehow, most likely talking in a sarcastic but smooth tone, bringing up old hurts when the opportunity arises, taking jabs that you know will sting. Or, if your special someone does make a positive advance at you that evening, you might reject them simply because they had rejected you first (even though it’s what you had wanted earlier). Payoff – You may end up feeling in control, but you may also do damage to your relationship.

Retreating inside despair – It’s all your fault, you screwed up just like usual, and it’s no wonder they hate you. What?? That’s kind of extreme, but it becomes a pity party for you. You pout, sit off in the corner with a hurt look on your face, but you won’t really talk about anything unless it’s about how awful everything has become. You are essentially the martyr, making your special someone the bad guy. You jerk around your special someone’s emotions to make them react in a sympathetic way. Payoff – They try to smooth things over with you, which brings them close to you again. You may believe that your intense reaction was justified, but your see-saw emotions will feel manipulative and draining to your special someone.

Shaking it off – You are somewhat stunned and yes, disappointed. But you also remembered that they hadn’t felt well during the week. They also had a difficult day at work, and they were looking forward to hanging out at home. Although they didn’t want to go out, they are ready to watch a movie and just be casual. They have offered to go out the next weekend instead.

While this isn’t your first preference, you would rather spend the evening having some fun rather than being a big pain about it. After a little quiet time to collect your thoughts and emotions, you come back with some suggestions about which movie to watch and what to cook for supper.

You may be saying, “Wait a minute, I can’t control how I react.” And to some extent, it may feel like it is all automatic and happens in a snap. However, many reactions are out of habit and established emotional patterns. Do you typically lash out when you are upset? Do you find yourself always doing a “poor me” type of thing?

Everyone has patterns and no one is perfect, even when you are honestly trying to make good choices. Even responses that would seem destructive are often chosen for their particular benefit. It also depends on what behaviors the person is comfortable with. Whatever your reaction of choice, it’s helpful to see what your ultimate payoff is.

How much do you want to have emotional control over the situation rather than finding a way to spend time with your special someone? A tough question, but a useful one. I’ve learned about my own habits over the years, especially those born of my depression years (and less mature years). I must always be cautious of becoming the martyr or being sullen and sarcastic. I’m sure you didn’t notice that at ALL.

Whatever the payoff is, be aware of whether your choice is destructive or positive. It can make all the difference.

2/16/2025 1 comment

More Thoughts On Motherhood and Depression

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 2/11/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

The post I wrote earlier only seemed to stir up more thoughts about depression and motherhood. Of course, you could insert whatever mental illness into the place of depression and many of the consequences and outcomes would be similar. So here goes round two of motherhood and depression from a mom who’s been there.

Many women feel the pressure to be supermoms — do it all with a smile and have it all at the end of the day. This is so difficult to fulfill that women often feel like they come up short. Somewhere somehow something has to give. Many families certainly have to sacrifice to make ends meet, and especially now the economy isn’t making it any easier. But it’s just this type of “be everything to everyone” kind of expectation that can get moms in a trap.

Not every mom has big problems with this. However, any woman with the genetic factors, a strained partner relationship, or other stressors could certainly succumb to a mental illness under these circumstances. I know I did and even when I decreased my working hours I found little relief. The scales had been tipped and I was dealing with a full blown mood disorder. And it doesn’t matter whether you are a parent or not, or how it got started — if you are in the midst of any sort of mental illness, everything seems harder.

For me, I eventually left my job. That exposed the patterns that allowed me to see the premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Once my kids were a little older and I felt like I was really coming back to myself, I sought work opportunities again and felt truly ready for them. This isn’t going to be everyone’s solution, but it does show the point that something always gives when there is a mental illness. And moms (especially those who work) have some vulnerabilities to be aware of in today’s society.

By all means, a woman with no plans for work can also have postpartum depression, anxiety, or other problems. Let me be clear that this association is representative of my experience and for many other women, but it is not limited to moms who work. Motherhood is work, and women often have many expectations of themselves and from others that do not just include paid work.

It’s the combination of “must, can’t, won’t, should, could” kinds of thoughts with the high level of emotion that can send moms down into the pit of depression or anxiety. Black and white thinking is a setup for disappointment, despair, lack of satisfaction and meaning, and low self worth. And these factors are also present in other mental illnesses besides just major depression or anxiety. These thoughts are often rooted in beliefs that are one-sided and extreme in nature. While a healthy woman might be able to amend and get around this, a woman with a mental illness takes these as absolute law. A slippery slope, a perpetual trap.

The road of parenthood is fraught with peril and uncertainty no matter what. It’s a gamble you take on from day one. And many times, women are not as aware of their mental health vulnerabilities until after the fact. More than anything, this is a commentary on today’s society through the lens of my experience and professional knowledge. I’m not trying to scare anyone away from being a parent, even if you do have difficulties in your life, just stating that mental illness vulnerability is there and many women who are likely to succumb to it are not as aware as they could be. I know I felt blindsided by my depression, and others do as well.

As I have in past posts, I invite you to share your experience as a mom with a mental illness or as someone close to a mom with a mental illness (parent, spouse, partner, friend, etc). The more we discuss these things the lower the stigma becomes to reach out and make things better for everyone with mental illnesses.

2/11/2025 7 comments

Motherhood and Depression

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 2/6/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

Let me first say that I’m glad that many many mothers around the world can go about the challenging and rewarding job of parenting without experiencing mental illness. Clearly the majority of mothers can weather the storms without having their boat completely capsize. But the reality is that a modest percentage of mothers do experience depression, excessive anxiety, and other mental illnesses.

As a mother who’s had postpartum depression and premenstrual dysphoric disorder, I don’t have a grudge against the moms who have stayed healthy. Not that they would have all sunshine and lollipops every day as a mom either. Motherhood can be tough no matter how resilient you are. In fact, I thought I was being exposed to how difficult it really was — the truth behind the facade of constant happiness.

Of course, I know that isn’t true now. Motherhood is challenging but humans are certainly capable of bouncing back from difficulty and renewing themselves. So what could make a woman vulnerable to mental illness as a mother? Well there could be many answers to that. Genetics, social environment, really bad luck, other stressors at the time of motherhood. It is often the perfect storm of some of these characteristics affecting a woman’s ability to be a mother.

Gender expectations and gender differences seem to create disadvantages for mothers, especially if there are genetic factors or other problems at work. A woman’s brain is wired with so many more connections in the areas of communication and emotion. This makes women more sensitive to all kinds of subtleties in these areas.

These allow moms to be closely attuned to the minutia of her children’s moods, needs, schedules, conflicts, etc. Moms can be responsive to issues dads might not be aware of. Nothing against dads, but it seems that moms are often tuned to a different frequency than dads are.

However, this high capability with emotions and communications can backfire when the system is overloaded or impaired. I think of Superman floating above earth, holding his ears shut because his sharp hearing ability is overwhelmed at times. Moms with a mental illness are already overloaded with their own emotional imbalance. Depression makes them feel desperate and lonely. Anxiety creates constant rumination and obsessive worry. A personality disorder may make normal kid struggles seem like personal attacks.

When a mother isn’t healthy enough to give of herself, she mostly does what she can to protect herself. And this often means that somewhere, somehow, the kids will lose out on having a mom when they need one. Some moms with mental illness give every last ounce to their kids to make things seem as normal as possible, while they run themselves dry on the inside.

This taps in to the gender difference and social expectation that women are caregivers, geared toward making everything pleasing to others, and sensitive to others’ needs. While this is generally true, a depressed mother giving everything out will eventually backfire. There will be no more to give because her “bucket” has a big gaping hole in the bottom.

Other moms may feel overwhelmed by affection and interaction, doing the minimum amount they need to for their kids and keeping their distance. It’s not that they wouldn’t know that kids need more, but they simply can’t do it. It makes the mom feel worse to engage and touch than to back off. She conserves herself to “fight another day” by limiting herself each day. Of course, this means that the kids are missing out on emotional connection, teaching moments, social interactions, and so on.

Moms today are vulnerable in so many ways. With so many opportunities and freedoms, women can choose a lot of life paths including motherhood. But when genetic factors, relationship stressors, and other situations collide with motherhood, everyone can lose. It’s my hope that as we keep exposing this issue, more women will feel comfortable to reach out when they are in this terrible spot. And those surrounding a mother in so much pain will have the courage to speak up for them, reach out a hand and get them the help they cannot manage to ask for.

2/6/2025 8 comments

Suicide: When It Hurts Too Much To Live

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 1/26/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

What happens when it hurts too much to live? Can it really be too painful to live one more moment with emptiness, depression, and despair? Yes, for some people suicide seems like the only way out.

Not every person who contemplates killing themselves is truly interested in ending their time on earth. For many, suicidal thoughts are about escape — musing about the idea of leaving the bonds that bind them to other people, responsibilities to burdens, and the despair of what they can’t change. If they could just escape it, maybe they still could go on somehow. Not right now, but after a while. They just need to get away from it.

Suicidal thoughts and actions are also sometimes paired with strong impulses and low inhibitions. This can happen with drugs and alcohol, bipolar disorder, or any personality style that leans more toward action than consideration. When a depressed or desperate mood gets legs, a person could be in real physical danger.

These are all fictional examples, but you can see how impulse plus mood problems can equal suicide.

A person in despair over a broken relationship sits on the train tracks where the train traffic is regular. They’ve had several beers and are feeling everything so strongly.
A person with rapidly shifting moods has had a lot of problems lately. They are driving in their car and are thinking about what would happen if they slammed into a wall or tree.
A person who’s had trouble in the public eye and a history of depression and drug use. They become sick of the daily emotional rollercoaster, grab their gun, and load up a few bullets.

Many people each day are walking around with enormous amounts of emotional pain. Living is difficult, they’ve lost loved ones, the future looks bleak, and they feel backed into a corner. But not everyone contemplates suicide. Some hold very strong religious beliefs that prevent them from ever taking any action. Others hold an important value on life in general, and can tell themselves that there has to be another way.

Sadly, many people do have very scary thoughts about ending their life. Some come very close to the brink of action before pulling back. Others only have fleeting thoughts. The “invasion” of depression into a person’s mind can make difficult things seem much more than just difficult — they become impossible.

They see no reason to live on after their spouse has died. They see no way out of their financial troubles. They think there is no more purpose for them after their serious injury or illness. This black and white thinking can trap a person into a narrow chute, seeing their demise as they only reasonable choice. And I’m not saying that the pain isn’t real or extremely intense. It’s the thought process and judgment that balances emotion, and depression thinking just isn’t straight.

For any of you who have been down this path, I invite you to add on comments and expand on this little post. There’s no way a few hundred words can do justice to the topic except to introduce it. If you are feeling strongly about suicide and don’t feel safe, I urge you to contact your local police or hospital right away. They are trained to help you get through your immediate crisis, and then get you the further specialized mental health help that you need. And for those I have known who have taken their own lives, your deaths have made a lifelong impression on me.

1/26/2025 706 comments

Overcoming Depression: Do It Yourself Or Get A Professional?

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 1/21/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

About a month ago, I put in a new faucet. Our old one was leaky, old, crusted over, and the dripping, dripping, dripping was torture to my ears. Imagine trying to sit and write something brilliant with that going on in the background every 1.7 seconds?

Finally, I took it upon myself to take care of it. I thought I’d suffered enough with this thing, more misery than it was worth hoping something would happen. Since my husband wasn’t too enthused, I decided I’d tackle it myself. I was going to “fix” my faucet. I did get the right parts at the store, wrestled with the old faucet for a while, and finally got the thing working.

What pride I had in doing it myself! I was reluctant even to ask help from my husband after a while when I was stuck on the last piece — yes, the last stinking piece before I could turn it on. I stuck to my resolve and found a way out of my pickle. Truly, this was something I had fixed on my own, top to bottom, inside and out.

While that worked out pretty well for my faucet, that approach didn’t work so well for my depression years ago. For starters, I didn’t even realize the miry bog of despair and anxiety was a significant treatable problem. I thought it was normal after your life turns upside down as a new parent. And guess what — I’m the professional you’re supposed to call in these kinds of things. I’m a therapist and I was still bamboozled by depression.

I told myself every which way ’til Sunday that this was something I could beat, something I could get over. It would change when this thing would happen. Once my daughter was this old, all that stress would be gone and things would be good. Or if I just try to “do better” or “be better” at this working mother and wife thing, I’d feel much better. Wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong. Not even barking up the right tree.

It would be like me trying to figure out how I could argue with the city utilities office to make the flow of water into our house slow down. We’re paying too much for our water for some reason and the inside of my sink keeps getting wet when I’m not using it, so it must be something with the city pipes or the water supply. And if we could just quit washing our dishes, we could get rid of the sink so it wouldn’t get wet anymore. Maybe we didn’t need any water to our house. Yes, what a solution that would be.

The other problem with my self-help approach to depression is that I was looking for a fix. Here’s the truth of the matter — depression can’t be fixed. Nope, working through depression requires a process. That’s layers of awareness, understanding, challenging, accepting, persevering, reaching out, and doing it all over again.

So maybe a bad mood on a Saturday afternoon is a self-help fix job for yourself — much like replacing your own kitchen faucet. Months or years of depression including weight changes, lost sleep, no motivation, lack of energy, no enjoyment of life, and some scary thoughts about living one more day – no, this job requires professional help. This is going behind the walls to replace all the worn out pipe attachments, rusted pipe sections, checking each and every faucet, and monitoring everything to keep the whole system working smoothly.

So if you know that you have a history of depression or if any of the above symptoms sound familiar, you need to ask yourself a question. Is this really a self-help job, or do you need to call a professional?

1/21/2025 9 comments

Depression Peeking Over The Cliff

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 1/19/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

Anyone who’s had depression even once has to be aware of it creeping into their lives once more. Will it hit like a ton of bricks? Will it slide in from the back door? Everyone’s experiences are probably different, and particular to their patterns and diagnosis. One thing’s for sure. It’s still out there.

This isn’t meant to scare you, making you fearful of the slightest bad mood or sad feeling. To have feelings is to be human, though it can seem sometimes like feelings are the enemy. Being aware of what is healthy and what crosses the line to depression can help you live a full life.

How close do you get to the edge of the cliff? People with a history of depression need to remember that there is a deep canyon of pain and confusion on the map. No, this is nothing to dwell on, you just need to keep track of your whereabouts.

If you pay little attention to where your emotions take you, you might find that your footing becomes unsteady. Instead of walking on solid ground, you’ve wandered into some wild parts. And if you always keep your back to the canyon (depression), you might very suddenly find that you are at the edge of the cliff, staring straight into the deep canyon before you.

It’s one thing to know the canyon is there, keeping you mindful of your tracks. It’s entirely different to be unsure how you got so close to that steep cliff in the first place. Can you find your way back to safer ground? Will you fall over the edge and become lost again like the last time you had depression?

Again, this comes down to awareness. When you have those same old negative self-deprecating or blaming thoughts, what do you do? Do you go do something you know will lift your spirits, or do you resist and try to justify your intense feelings? Are you holding on to an old unrealistic belief that could send you toward depression? Can you let go and back off, finding some other way to manage your emotions?

Here’s a quick example. Your birthday comes and goes without much fanfare from your spouse. You believe strongly that they should have done something. It’s especially difficult because your spouse has had their own difficulties with job stress, health problems, and isolating to cope with these problems.

Do you hang on to the thought that they still *should* have done something great for your birthday? Either they think you are worthless or they are still being a big jerk and your marriage is tanking. Or do you consider the bigger picture and realize that many of their problems have improved recently and they are much happier now (although still forgetful)? Maybe suggesting a date will satisfy your wish for something special, even though you had to initiate it.

You can either let go of the unrealistic depression-inducing belief and find another solution, or you can hang on tight to the thought that wants to take you to the bottom of the canyon. When you keep yourself healthy much of the time, recognizing this choice can help you get back on track. And if you have already slipped down the steep slope before you could help yourself much, there is still hope. Call out for help, reach out a hand to someone you trust.

Depression is treatable, even if you’ve been through it more than once. And relapse, however painful, is an opportunity for learning more about yourself. It may feel like a hit to your pride, like you should have always been in total control. But in the end, where do you think your pride would take you – back to solid ground or to the bottom of the canyon?

1/19/2025 6 comments

Depression: The Spouse’s Side of the Story

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 1/9/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

Hugging Man and Woman Depression is like an unwelcome obnoxious guest at a party, the bully at the table next to you in school, the bad roommate you can’t kick out of your house. It’s overwhelming, saddening, frustrating, and imposing. When depression worms its way into a marriage, it can turn a good thing upside down in a short time.

Depression pushes its way between two spouses when it shows up. Maybe only one person is diagnosed, but depression puts its mark on both people. That’s the trickery of depression — the deception that if you even realize that’s what it is, you just think it is about the person with the symptoms.

If you get married in good faith believing that each of you are stable, solid people, depression can be a real surprise. It can come on after a difficult life adjustment, in the postpartum period for a woman, or seemingly out of nowhere. It can look like an anger problem, a social discomfort, overeating, sexual disinterest, or the more obvious appearance of sad mood and tears.

This person you know and love has changed so much, becoming a stranger in your own home. They can seem so far out of reach, either talking about deep dark feelings or not talking much at all. Well, then what? It’s not like sending them to the doctor when they have a terrible sore throat and a fever. That’s obvious and it makes sense. If you ask how you could help, or suggest that they talk to a counselor or psychologist, you might get the stiff-arm. It’s their thinking, their feelings, their participation in life — all intangible things. You can’t put a bandage on that. It’s both frustrating and worrisome.

Here are some examples of how a person might react after their spouse has been depressed for several months. By this point, it can get more difficult to be understanding, more difficult to hear the same problems again and again, more difficult to know where you fit into their life, more difficult to see hope.

“You used to do all these things with your friends, and you’ve just quit going for so long. I want to have people over, but you make excuses for why we can’t do it. And we don’t even go out anymore, nowhere — ever. I’m tired of it, and I’m not going to just have no life because you don’t like being social anymore. What in the world has happened to you?”

“It’s all about you now – everything that goes on with this family, it revolves somehow around you. What you’re ready for, comfortable with, don’t feel like, think is pointless. You don’t want to spend any time with me or the kids when we’re in the house, but you don’t like it when I leave to go see my friends out of town. And you worry too much to let the grandparents take the kids overnight. It’s a no-win situation!”

In both of these examples, the depressed person has overly sensitive emotions, low toleration for stress, and trouble being close with loved ones. This isn’t the two-way street that the spouse expected. It can look more like marital mutiny than a clinical mental health problem. When left long enough without treatment, depression can slowly erode relationships.

The depression warps things inside a person’s brain. Their perspective is off-kilter to the point that they don’t see any difference between the depression and their true self. They take on the depression’s influence as if it is completely based in truth. Things feel so bad, and the thoughts are so negative — it must be because things really ARE that bad. Depression sometimes comes on after something that might make anyone emotionally upset, like a death in the family or diagnosis of a serious illness. If they have short-term distress, the intensity of their emotions will fade over time and they will gradually rebound. Clinical depression makes nearly everything seem unmanageable and overwhelming with little sign of hope or improvement.

Thankfully, when a depressed person does eventually get help, it can be an enormous relief to the spouse. There may be skepticism and hope mixed together. It may even take years for the depressed person to understand the impact their problem had on the whole family. Marriage can be damaged by depression, sometimes beyond repair when it is chronic. But when a person gets help early on for their depression, chances are good that the marriage will improve too.

1/9/2025 141 comments

Depression: Forgetting Who I Used To Be

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 1/4/2025

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

After I had my first child, I had a great deal on my mind. My new daughter needed surgeries and extra medical care early in her life. This was a huge adjustment for me and my husband. She needed so much so often, when could I rest? The thought of returning to work was looming in my mind. All of this took a toll and eventually spilled out into postpartum depression. How could I get myself back?

First and foremost, I got through everything by focusing on my daughter. She needed to be fed, changed, held, and so on. She didn’t understand what I was dealing with and still needed me anyway. As long as I could keep going enough to get her what she needed, I could let go for a while.

After several weeks of feeling utterly burdened, I began to wonder about how things were “supposed” to be. Was this how every new mother felt? When does it stop feeling so hard every day? When will I turn into one of those more relaxed mothers that has everything going well?

I decided that maybe this is really what goes on under the surface for every new mom. They just put on a happier glow when they are out with others. But most of the time, everything seems like hard work and stress. I was pretty sure that after another few months and after all these surgeries were over, I would be myself again.

Here’s the problem. I had started to forget how I was before I had my baby. Didn’t I have moments of tinkling laughter when something seemed funny? When did all this negative self-talk take over my head? Can I ever get it out? How do I enjoy being a mother when I feel like this all the time? I had moments of happiness, but I had no feelings of content and general satisfaction. It was all tinged with something bad, something wrong, something I needed to get away from. The depression was everywhere.

When I finally got treatment for my depression nearly three and half years later, I noticed the changes immediately. I had some serious mood swings with my premenstrual dysphoric disorder. When I no longer had to dread the swings, the adjustment, and the mental exhaustion, I felt so free. That freedom let me reclaim my emotional energy as my own, not the possession of my mood disorder. The medication and some brief therapy helped me to
stay stable long enough that I finally *finally* could remember what I was like before.

Turns out I was more carefree, more forgiving, more open-minded and accepting than I had remembered. I started doing it for others and I learned how to do it for myself. This was no quick fix. It took at least a couple of years to undo all the bad depression habits in my mind and with my emotions. My more positive natural self emerged once again, though sometimes I really had to prod it along. I had once thought I would forget that woman when I became depressed. Never have I been so joyful to find what once was lost.

1/4/2025 7 comments

Mood Swings Are Exhausting

by Erika Krull, MS, LMHP 12/30/2024

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP

Mood swings are a part of life with some mood disorders like bipolar disorder and cyclothymia. Moods go to extremes, either really happy and energetic or really low and depressed. This is a tough way to live because it takes so much energy. Here’s one way to imagine what it’s like to physically experience extreme mood swings.

I really like college football, and I’m especially passionate about my home state alma mater team. I love watching the games, both in person and on TV. Close games, blow-outs, great plays, strategic cliffhanging moments, the whole package. It’s just so exciting, and I totally get into cheering for my team.

High Energy Moods Take a Lot of Energy

When I go to or watch the big game once a week, I find that I’m emotionally spent by the end. I can feel the physical tension of the afternoon leave my body when it ends. Great game or disappointing loss, I’m ready for it to be over. I want to wind down and reflect on the experience. I might take a nap or just hang out for a while, but pretty soon I’ll get back to my normal activities. Short period of time emotionally up, slight dip of low energy, and resolution to the middle.

What if I found a way to watch or be at two great football games a day for as many days in a row as I could stand? The intense focus, the emotional investment, the ups and downs, the adrenaline rushes, the jumping up and down. For a little while, that would be kind of cool. But after about the second game in a row, it would be hard to maintain that kind of energy.

I would love the rush and excitement. But at the same time, I’d start to hate it. The drain of that constant excitement would grate on my nerves. I’d try to convince myself it was still great, even though part of me would try to escape. I would be trapped in the over-energized environment. And at some point, the bottom would fall out.

When High Moods Crash Into Depression

I’d be overspent, worn out, even hate football for a while. I wouldn’t want anything to do with it. My emotions would be fairly low and negative, mostly because those are stark opposites of high and euphoric emotions. I would have let go of other obligations during the week to be at or watch all of those games. And I’d be low on clean laundry, food, and gas for the week. Maybe I even skipped out on my job. All of that would bring me down, too.

Mood swings are so exhausting because of the intensity, the physical exertion, and all the adjustment. A person might keep it up for a while, but eventually the human body just gets too taxed. Living in emotional extremes doesn’t allow for good rest or relaxation. It’s hard to enjoy the gentler milder things in life.

Mood Swings Take Emotions Too Far

I had premenstrual dysphoric disorder several years ago, which is a severe form of PMS. I also had a slight manic mood in the times I wasn’t down with depression. Every two weeks I went through a complete cycle of high and low emotions. The exhaustion was enormous and constant, nothing I wish to repeat anytime soon. Once I was properly diagnosed and treated, I truly appreciated being able to resolve my emotions back to the middle.

I’m an awfully big football fan, and I love being at the big game. But I know better than to wish for all football all the time. It’s much better taking it one game at a time.

12/30/2024 9 comments