Author

Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker was a licensed psychologist and marriage and family counselor. When not retired, she specialized in couples and family therapy and parent education. She has written hundreds of self-help, parenting, and relationship articles that have found a new home on LifeHelper. Check out her book, Unlocking the Secrets of Self-Esteem.

When Your Child Asks, Is Santa Real?

by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. 12/6/2024

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

December rituals are similar in millions of households around the U.S. There’s a big buildup to Christmas with trips to visit Santa workshops and photo shoots with Santa (that promptly go on the Facebook page or family website). “The Night Before Christmas” becomes a bedtime story. TV specials like A Charlie Brown Christmas, Santa Claus Is Coming to Town, and, of course, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas now run almost 24/7. Local top 40 radio stations run novelty Santa songs all day.

On the eve of the big day, stockings are hung and cookies and milk are set out for Santa as well as a carrot for Rudolph. Some parents even take a bite out of the cookie and write a thank-you note from Mr. Claus for the kids to find the next day.

12/6/2024 0 comment

20 Years of Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day

by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. 7/20/2024

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

20 Years of Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day One day, when two of my children were only 4 and 3 years old, they wanted to play “let’s pretend” with their dad and me. My older daughter, as older children often do, declared herself the director.

“You and Dad sit over there”, she commanded. “Now, my brother and I are going to be the father and mother you are the day care center.”

With that, the two of them brought us a couple of dolls, kissed them goodbye and went to the next room.

“What happens next?” I called.

“Oh, you play with the babies and then we go to work for awhile and come back and give you a check.”

“And what are you doing at work?” By now I’m curious about where this is going.

“We talk to people and do stuff and get tired.”

With that, they came back in the room, handed us “checks” made of some coupons I had lying around and took their babies off for bath time and stories.

It was hard for my husband and me not to laugh. They were so serious about it. Ahh. A kids’-eye view of adult life. We go do something mysterious at this thing called work, get tired, and then collect them and real life begins again. That was my first indication that maybe we needed to tell our kids a little bit more about the work that took us away from them all day.

7/20/2024 0 comment

Talking to Your Kids About the Newtown Tragedy

by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. 6/5/2024

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

Talking to Your Kids About the Newtown Tragedy Isn’t anywhere safe anymore?

You can send your kids off to the movies — and they may get shot. Or they might go to hang out at the mall — and risk getting shot. Or to high school or college — where they might get shot. Kids get kidnapped on their way home from school and abducted out of their beds.

Now 20 first graders have been gunned down in their first grade classrooms.

In the last few years, our national sense of safety has been repeatedly shaken. We can’t take it for granted that when innocent kids do innocent, everyday things, they will risk nothing more than a belly ache from eating too much popcorn or an argument with a friend.

6/5/2024 0 comment

The Key to Celebrating Holidays with Multiple Family Loyalties

by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. 5/26/2024

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

Step, Blended & Reconfigured: Making Holidays Bright for Kids with Multiple Family Loyalties

“You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren’t dying. They’re merging into big conglomerates.”
~ Erma Bombeck

They are called stepfamilies, blended families, reconstituted or reconfigured. The modern family often includes multiple people from multiple relationships. More than any other time of year, holidays highlight the departure from what has been seen as the “traditional” family.

As with most things, this can be an affirmation of successful reconfiguration of one’s family or a reminder of all the things that were, and perhaps still are, wrong. For most, it’s a complicated mix of regrets, relief, anger, sorrow and joy.

For most, it’s how the adults manage the situation that determines the health and safety of the heart part of the new configuration of the family.

5/26/2024 1 comment

Why Your Life Matters: A Note to Suicidal Teens

by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. 5/1/2024

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

Why Your Life Matters: A Note to Suicidal Teens “I’m 15. I have no friends. I’ve never had a relationship. One guy I thought was my friend has turned against me. I can’t bear the idea that I’ll always be alone. I’m feeling suicidal and don’t know what to do.”

“My parents don’t love me. They are always yelling at me for the smallest thing. I get good grades, help around the house, and usually I’m respectful. But it doesn’t matter. They still criticize me and call me names. I think about suicide every day.”

“Me and my boyfriend have been together for five years. We spent all our time together and shared everything. Two weeks ago, he dumped me for another girl. I’ve been crying ever since. I’ve been self-harming and drinking a lot. I don’t think I can live without him. I want to die.”

“I don’t know why but I always feel terrible. I can’t sleep. I’m not interested in eating. Nothing about life looks interesting. I can’t relate to other people. I think what most people talk about is stupid. What’s the point of living anyway if it’s always going to be like this?”

Sound familiar? If you are a teen who feels this way, you are not alone. Although every story is unique to the person telling it, the themes are the same — feeling friendless, unloved, abandoned or unappreciated.

Maybe you feel as desolate as they do.

5/1/2024 4 comments

Lessons Worth Learning from the 2010 Winter Olympics

by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. 4/14/2023

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

Lessons Worth Learning from the 2010 Winter Olympics I suppose it’s our fault — just because everything generational usually is. Too many of our kids expect life to be easy and give up too easily when it isn’t. Too many of them are quickly discouraged by setbacks and abandon a goal rather than change their approach. Why? I told you. It’s our fault. We wanted them to believe they could do anything. We wanted them to be happy.

Our resultant parenting style emphasized that trying hard was as good as achieving, that potential was worthy of praise, that stress was a bad thing, and that experiencing failure would damage self-esteem. I’m not blaming anyone here. I was party to all this too. Those of us who came of age in the 1970s and ’80s breathed the air of the human potential movement whether we were conscious of it or not. Self-esteem became a goal, rather than an outcome of living well. Self-actualization became more valued than self-sacrifice. Self-gratification sometimes became the measure of what one did instead of benefit for the whole.

The result of this thinking for at least some of the kids some of the time is that they either set happiness as a goal or are waiting for happiness to magically happen. Either stance is a setup for disappointment. As the athletes at the 2010 Winter Olympics showed us again and again, happiness is an outcome of hard work and discipline. It is the result of having met a set goal. It is not the goal in and of itself.

4/14/2023 6 comments

8 Reasons Women Stay in Painful Relationships

by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. 3/3/2023

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

8 Reasons Women Stay in Painful Relationships Why would a woman stay in a relationship with a guy who puts her down, hems her in, and perhaps even physically abuses her? Why would a woman hold down two jobs to keep the rent paid and food on the table while her boyfriend sits around smoking weed all day? Why oh why would a woman allow herself to be emotionally blackmailed by her boyfriend’s threats that he will kill himself or her or both if she even talks about leaving a relationship that is going nowhere?

There’s no easy answer. Often it’s a complicated mix of a number of answers. If you wonder why on earth you stay with the guy who keeps hurting you in spite of promises to do better, in spite of protestations that he loves you, in spite of your obvious distress about how things are going, see if you recognize yourself in any of these common reasons.

1. Because being someone’s everything is intoxicating stuff — at least at first.

When you met, he only had eyes for you. He called to say good morning. He called to say “I love you” at lunch. He wanted to be the last voice you heard before you went to sleep. When you left work or your last class for the day, there he was – waiting for you. If another guy even looked at you, he put his arm protectively around you. If a guy friend called you up, he pouted. He wanted all your attention. In exchange, he gave you attention as no one ever had before. He wined you and dined you (or at least took you out for pizza and a beer several times a week) and made you feel like a princess. Sounds like any romantic beginning, doesn’t it?

If your guy is so insecure that he needs control, his attention gradually became claustrophobic. Over time, his demands for all your attention all the time hemmed you in. You found yourself frantically explaining your every move that didn’t involve him. Staying a bit late for work, a girls’ night out, even a visit to your mother on a Saturday morning became grounds for a fight. What started out as wonderful attention became not so wonderful control.

2. Because these guys can be absolutely charming.

You didn’t fall in love with your boyfriend for no good reason. He can be charming. He can be romantic. He can say the things that every woman would like to hear. Sometimes he lets you see a sweet vulnerability that melts your heart. He seems to feel genuinely terrible after the two of you have had a big fight. He brings apologies and flowers. He promises he’ll be less jealous. He says you really are his everything. Lovemaking at times like these is delicious. He says all the right things to make you want to give him another chance. Things are wonderful for awhile. But then it starts all over again. You come home a little late and his eyes look stormy. You make a phone call and he has to know just who you’re talking to. Pretty soon, you’re feeling hemmed in again and you know that there’s going to be another blow-out…

3. Because you don’t feel you deserve any better.

Maybe you grew up in a family where you were told that you were no good, ugly, clumsy, or incompetent. Maybe your father or mother even told you “No one will ever love you.” Perhaps you were an ugly duckling in high school who never had a date or you were never accepted by the people you wished were your friends. Maybe you’ve had a series of disastrous relationships or no relationships at all. Your self-esteem is in the cellar. Even though a part of you knows that your family should have treated you better; even though you understand that high school is harsh for a lot of people, there’s an even bigger part of you that feels that maybe all the people who rejected you were right – you really are a loser. You’ve become convinced you should be grateful for any smidgen of caring your boyfriend provides – even if it is painful.

Continue reading more reasons why women stay in painful relationships…

3/3/2023 33 comments