Growing up, I wasn’t popular (except with the girls in elementary school, heh). Like most kids, and then teens, somehow we get it into our heads that the more popular you are, the better life is. It’s a dream magnified and reinforced by Hollywood and Hallmark movies, and it’s an urge as a teen that’s very difficult to resist.
Now, consciously, I never imagined or cared about the trappings of popularity as a teen. I didn’t fantasize about being the high school football star, or being named prom king or some such nonsense. What I did imagine and want was simple — a high enough level of popularity where I didn’t have to worry about my ass being kicked while walking down an empty hallway. (For the record, I never had my ass kicked in high school; it was, however, a recurring fear with a solid basis in reality.)
What I took away from my unpopularity — from my lugging my trombone case onto the bus every week and trying to not make a big deal about the fact that it was not the easiest thing to carry around, from being smart in a school where smart kids were not exactly something that was rewarded, from some of my antisocial behaviors — was this: it taught me resilience and how to rely on the one person I knew would always be there, myself.
It’s also a lesson learned by millions of kids each year. One of them was Erika Napoletano and she has an amazing essay talking about this on her website, Redhead Writing.
She has said it more succinctly and honestly than I ever could have:
What Unpopular People Have That Popular Ones Don’t
We can identify opportunities and slink off into the background to tap into them. No one is paying attention to us anyways. And by the time you figure out what we’re doing, you’re already relegated to playing a game of catch up if you decide to play any game with us at all.
The unpopular kids don’t rely on the opinions of others in order to deem whether something is a success or not. It’s why we love science, competitions, academics and research. Information offers validation.
We’re resilient. You can kick us time and time again and we’ll find ways to hide, morph, adapt and thrive.
We’re made to be entrepreneurs.
The entry is much longer, and I encourage you to read the whole thing if any of this resonates with you.
But the upshot is this — unpopular kids have to work harder in order not to just survive, but to thrive and grow up. We explore things on our own, become deeply curious about everything in the world, and rely more often on ourselves than others.
Relying on yourself doesn’t mean not having friends or a deep and strong network of connections — a point Erika is careful to make. Unpopular kids have to build those connections early on, because their friendships may be fewer and far between. Each person will matter, and so will each relationship. The connections will be deeper, and hopefully in the long run, more meaningful.
I look back now on my teenage years filled with decidedly mixed emotions. While there are some things I probably wish I could have changed, being unpopular is not one of them. My unpopularity at the time made me the man I am today.
And for that, I am thankful.
Read the entry now: What Makes Us
11 comments
I am SHOCKED. I figured that you were captain of the football team and homecoming king. I will have to digest this for a few days. But I totally get it because I was an acne-ridden loser with a popular twin sister. Now that sucked! But built lots of character.
You have hit many nails on the head here, doc. We had a sousaphone instead of a trombone, though, LOL! Being an Army brat good friends were far and few between – and deeply cherished, even though we always knew we would eventually lose them (a fact which caused severe withdraw from the world at 13-14). We are SURVIVORS for lots of reasons: we flex, we blend, we adapt to survive – we study hard to learn, for knowledge is a powerful survival tool, as well as experience. We were older than our years by far – and yet also emotionally crippled by abuse – and yet strong, tough, independent. Had to be. Read a LOT. And it all went into the toolbox. You’re post has so many truths; it should be a must-read for some folks who don’t realize their strengths.
John, thanks for the mention of my post today. One of the greatest rewards of my adult life has been realizing that all that unpopularity…well, it netted be something! And unpopular isn’t the same as disliked. It’s different. Unpopular finds a way to persevere into other (better) things as we grow. And that, my friend, is a gorgeous journey.
My brother played the oboe and the tuba for awhile. I hear you loud and clear.
All very true. And thanks Erika, your entry inspired me to write this one, which is not something that happens all that often!
This is really inspiring! Great article!
Very interesting article John. The need to be cool or popular guides so many kids, and keeps them from exploring other ways to be like smart or funny or generous….
Using yourself as an example of being courageous enough to find your own path is just awesome. I hope that the younger generation can learn to spot heroes who don’t wear tights and a cape.
Truer words were never spoken. I was always strongly independent and baffled by the popular kids’ humor and tastes. I noticed when I did hang around with them I was usually bored and longed to be doing something else–I was quite happy alone. I gained an interest in non-mainstream music and art–that went a long way toward my conviction that once I was out of that little midwestern town, life was going to be great. Probably the most important thing, though, in retrospect was that altho my siblings sometimes made fun of me for not having more friends, my parents were oblivious. They never made me feel like I should be any different or be more involved in popular activities. I think parents now are more anxious when their child isn’t fitting in easily and can create more self-consciousness and anxiety.
Interesting article….I too was never “popular” but I understood the word with a different meaning. “Popular” were people like the Beatles or the Carpenters…people everyone knew. Not the “popular” kids in our school, because who even knew them at the neighboring schools? Being popular never entered my mind. Maybe because I went to a new “alternative” school in a large city. Still, some of the comments resonated with me like relying on yourself, liking to be alone, having less friends….and developing a big interest in non-popular music. I feel like i sort of suffered in my college days, because again, I wasnt doing what most kids were – never smoked pot, or drank, etc. Never felt comfortable at the few parties I was invited to. I guess the whole experience for me in high school and college made me the independant person I became, and still am. Or maybe I was just like that to begin with.
Thanks for posting this! I’m one of the “unpopulars” and I never really minded. However, in the same token, I never took any time to come up with actual reasons for why I didn’t mind. Being more in the background has given me a sharper view on things. I hope other unpopular kids will do the same. With us, you either thrive or become so introverted that no one even knows you. Thanks for giving me reasons I can share and I’ll be using this to encourage some of my other friends!
I am eleven and am in year 7.
Most of the poplular kids are in my class but I am not one of them.
I have come to realize that you can not be shy and be popular. Many smart kids like me are shy and that is part of why we don’t ‘fit in’ as well as others. For about half of the year I have been trying really hard to fit in but now I realize it is not such a big deal. I do have friends, I do get good grades, and that is enough for me.
As I read in a different blog, ‘if I could swap my intelligence for average intelligence, with the reward of being the most popular kid in school – I wouldn’t. ‘
For all u smart ppl readin this, I say BE STRONG. THE WORLD NEEDS HEROES LIKE U
a loner..former child actress/singer/dancer/ not so great model..ridiculed by everyone i look about 18 years younger than my age..no more zits…considered pretty/beautiful. ..let’s see– sexually abused..physically abused and a classmate killed my pet…all before age 8. married no children..husband treats me very well. found out i am adopted…had to find alternate ways home from school…to escape bullies. people only judge by looks in this lousy world..now alot of those who made fun of me are trying to be pals…no such luck..one idiot now living in california found me on facebook..yeah you hit me..lied to me mom about things i did (i got slapped by my mom…) and you kill my pet..guess you know i am hoping kharma bites this fat loser very soon…still getting proofed (over 50) the others? fat..old looking..grey haired/wrinkled has beens….i’m alot smarter and yes alot more nasty in my comebacks also…thank you so much everyone for being so mean and cruel to me…keep remembering my grandmother’s words “youth is wasted on the young because children -and young adults!! are the cruelest people in the world” leave them to God.
Comments are closed.