It’s not unheard of for either the bride or groom to get cold feet before the wedding. Some pre-wedding anxiety is perfectly normal and natural, as virtually everyone experiences such anxiety to one degree or another.
But if you have real hesitation and doubt about going forward with the wedding, you may want to listen to your head and those doubts. Because new research released last week suggests that a woman’s hesitation before her wedding might predict a bumpy road ahead.
Newlywed wives who had doubts about getting married before their wedding were two-and-a-half times more likely to divorce four years later than wives without these doubts. Among couples still married after four years, husbands and wives with doubts were significantly less satisfied with their marriage than those without doubts.
The researchers, led by Justin Lavner, a UCLA doctoral student in psychology, studied 232 couples in Los Angeles during the first few months of marriage and then checked in on the spouses every six months for four years.
Among the wives who expressed doubts about getting married, 19 percent were divorced 4 years later, compared with only 8 percent women who did not report doubts. For husbands, those figures were 14 percent and 9 percent, respectively.
In 36 percent of couples, both partners said they had no doubts before the wedding. Four years later, only 6 percent of those couples had divorced.
Among couples in which both spouses reported premarital doubts, 20 percent got divorced. Of couples in which only the husband reported doubts, 10 percent got divorced, compared with 18 percent of couples who got divorced when only the wife had doubts.
What Do I Do If I Have Doubts Before My Wedding?
Doubts don’t mean doom for the relationship. There’s a few easy things you can do to put those doubts to bed.
- Talk to your partner before the wedding. If communication is key to a relationship’s health, there’s no better time to put that to the test before the wedding. Sometimes talking about your insecurities and doubts with your partner can help reduce your anxiety and answer any questions you may have.
- Talk to others for an objective point-of-view. Perhaps the emotionality of the wedding preparations are clouding how you see your significant other. Talking to an objective third-party might help put things into perspective — and see if they’re grounded in reality or not.
- Don’t ignore real problems. Sometimes real problems crop up as a result of wedding planning, or just getting to know one another better in a deeper relationship that’s moving to a lifetime commitment. By dealing with these problems head-on, you can figure out if they are solvable before you make the commitment. By ignoring them or putting them off, you may be trying to convince yourself they’ll solve themselves.
- Don’t allow yourself to be pressured. Weddings are often large, well-coordinated and expensive events. Don’t let the event take on a life of its own so much that you feel like you couldn’t call it off if the doubts aren’t resolved by the time of the wedding.
Anxiety and doubt are not the same thing. If you have real doubts about getting married, listen to those doubts and take action. It may not mean anything, but you won’t know unless you make a concerted effort to address it proactively — before the wedding.
Read the full article: Premarital Doubts are Legitimate Warning Signs
7 comments
This is one of those “chicken or the egg” discussions. Is the bride having doubts about the marriage before the wedding a sign of actual problems with the groom or is it a sign of a “mental dysfunction”. Buying a car, buying a house, going off to college, and yes, getting married. These are the kinds of “triggers” that send people with insecurity dysfunctions into the “flight or fight” demeanor. I was just watching a TED Talks episode. Barry Schwarts talked about how we have so much wide spread availability of choices that we are not taught to choose. So being committed to one choice is reason for incredible anxiety. Mates are not any different. A person who didn’t have a really good example of what a healthy, functional, loving relationship in their lives will even be more anxious.
I feel like that describes me. I always want to escape when its time to make big decisions, particularly when there are other sources of stress simultaneously happening. I am having hard time understanding what I am so nervous about in marrying my favorite person on the planet. My therapist also cites early trauma for a possible explanation.
Help!!! I have been divorced after 15 yrs of marriage only to be engaged after short relationship of 9 months! I’m scheduled to get married in 12 days and I’m having scared feelings! Still waiting to feel 100% sure! He is older and that’s playing a big part! I’m 36 and he is 51. I feel as of now we are great but what about 10 yrs from now what is he gonna be able to do and feel like!? I’m sick to my tummy with worry! I feel like I’m making a bad choice, I love him but I do not feel like what I did when I married my first husband”high school sweetheart” and should I exspect too
And I must add, he doesn’t look his age. When we met I never guessed he was that much older than me. We have been living together since month two of our relationship and we got engaged only 3 months in! He isn’t financially stable, no house, not much retirement at all! This is also big part of my stress! Should I look at money or love
I hope my comment doesn’t come to late. DON’T MARRY HIM, you have some real hesitation and doubt it is not good. listen to your heart and in this case your tummy.
I also was following the triggers in life, get a drivers licence go to university and I wanted to move in and get married, my wedding is scheduled for 5 weeks time and my “plan” is not what I expected my degree has got me know where I don’t have a job never mind a career and have been living with parents since finishing my degree a couple of years ago, my partner has recently joined the military and is going to still be in training after we get married, so we wont be able to live together for several months, I am now facing a lot of hesitation and feel I have come to a cross roads in life and dont know what to do next.
That UCLA study is seriously flawed. It used a relatively small number of couples from a very narrow age group (um, millennials?) and an even smaller region. Not to mention the stereotypical shallowness and fickleness of both demographics. I wouldn’t compare my perspective of my relationship to a 25 year old Angeleno ever.