Not surprisingly, people who suffer from depression often have difficult romantic relationships — when they have them at all. They tend to take out their depression more on their partner than they would a stranger or friend.
In a relationship where one person is depressed, depressed individuals have a “higher tendency than non-depressed individuals to repeatedly ask for reassurance, demand support in a hostile manner, and display negative behaviors, such as a reduced tendency to smile. Consequently, depressed individuals often burden or alienate their partners.”
People in romantic relationships can typically infer and understand their partners’ thoughts and feelings with a fair amount of accuracy. Even in complex social interactions, couples often know what each other is thinking about the situation. A new study suggests that depression can alter this empathic accuracy in women, but not in men.
Researchers tested their hypothesis in a laboratory experiment that depression might impact our ability to accurately infer our partner’s thoughts and feelings by examining 51 couples who had been living together for a minimum of 6 months.
The experiment consisted of three parts. In the first part, the couple participated in a videotaped discussion with one another. “Discussions focused on eliciting support, with one partner playing the role of help seeker and the other playing the role of help giver. The couples were given an alarm that beeped after 6 min, at which point they switched roles and continued the conversation for an additional 6 min.”
In the second part, each individual reviewed their recordings separately and after watching the discussion in 30-second segments, paused the recording and wrote down the thoughts and feelings they experienced at that time during the interaction. They were also asked to infer and write down their partners’ thoughts and feelings.
In the third part of the study, five coders independently judged “the degree of similarity between perceivers’ and targets’ statements by examining the taped discussions in conjunction with the writings participants generated during the thoughts-and-feelings protocol. A 3-point scale was used: 0 (essentially different content), 1 (somewhat similar, but not the same content), and 2 (essentially the same content).”
Individuals were also asked to keep a daily diary of their mood and relationship feelings over the course of 3 weeks.
What did they find?
Our results largely support our hypothesis that depressive symptoms are associated with lower levels of empathic accuracy among women, but not among men.
In the lab task, women’s depressive symptoms were associated with lower levels of accuracy in inferring partners’ thoughts and feelings, whereas men showed no such actor effects.
The diary task revealed similar results: Women’s depressive symptoms were associated with lower levels of empathic accuracy in inferring partners’ negative moods and relationship feelings. No such association was found for accuracy regarding positive moods or relationship feelings.
There were no significant effects found for men’s depressive symptoms.
The researchers also found that higher levels of depressive symptoms in women predicted partners’ lower empathic accuracy regarding the women’s negative moods and relationship feelings.
As the researchers note, the data suggest that a woman’s depression affects not just herself, but also her partner. Depressed women’s relationships are likely to suffer doubly as well — not only is her empathy accuracy lowered by her depression, but her partner’s empathic accuracy is also lowered. She can’t read her partner as well, and he is unable to accurately read her mood or relationship feelings either.
Although the study suffers from a small sample size, it is one of the first studies to look at how depression impacts empathy and empathy accuracy in relationships. The findings shed light on why interpersonal and romantic relationships might be especially difficult to maintain when one individual is depressed — especially if that individual is a woman.
Reference
Gadassi R, Mor N, Rafaeli E. (2011). Depression and Empathic Accuracy in Couples: An Interpersonal Model of Gender Differences in Depression. Psychological Science. doi: 10.1177/0956797611414728
12 comments
This article is so true in my marriage. After being diagnosed with MDD, PTSD and Anxiety after my childs murder, I found and continue to experience a “lack of empathy” on the part of my husband. The more I demand it from him the worse he gets. I as I’m sure I am not alone, feel that I should not have to ask for empathy, it should be a natural feeling, but find from many women that this is just not the case. What’s up with that? Men are so ingrained to hide Thier tears and feelings for so long that maybe it has become part of thier genetics?
I know saying im sorry about the murderwill come as empty words, so I will tell you thaht men are reluctant to open up totally to women , because when we do the results are nowhere near what we were told they would be. so back into our shell we retreat.respectfully yours Patrick
Well, great – as a woman whose depression is seriously negatively impacting my relationship, what do I do with this info? Other than seek treatment and pray that my boyfriend doesn’t dump me before I figure it out? Or just resign myself to the fact that my mental illness makes me practically undateable?
Dear Anne,
Just because we are depressed now does not mean we will be depressed forever. It has required hard work with a professional counselor, good meds, & lots of Love from Jesus. This is just a suggestion, read Jeremiah 29:11 in the New Living Testament until you believe it. I still read it even today. God may find us broken; He does not leave us the way He finds us. He heals us. Sometime the healing process take time. REM: Are best days are ahead of us, not behind us.
Researchers tested their hypothesis in a laboratory experiment that depression might impact our ability to accurately infer our partner’s thoughts and feelings by examining 51 couples who had been living together for a minimum of 6 months.
l totally agree with you admin.depressed couples must find solutions through the use of natural depression remedies that works.
@Anne – As a woman battling major depression for decades, I empathize with your comment a great deal. Article like this which are meant to ‘inform’ actually do a great deal of damage, because they point to a disturbing conclusion and then — NOTHING. Depression has interfered with my relationships in the past, but so have the issues and moods of the partners I’ve been with. I’m now in a long-term relationship with a partner who also has depression – it’s not easy, but we have learned and are still learning how to handle each other’s moods, and the problems that happen when they collide. Don’t give up.
IRL – thanks for the support, I appreciate it…it helps to know that others are struggling with similar issues, and even better to know that people have some success dealing with it.
I have been married for 19 years, and have had major depression for that long and longer. My relationship with my husband has gotten colder the last couple of years, especially. He is tired of my depression and doesn’t understand it. He thinks I can “snap out of it”. I don’t blame him at times, but I get tired of dealing with it too. I get no empathy from him. He doesn’t like me going to therapy, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to with a nonjudgmental attitude. Sure, I can talk to him but he usually has some negative input.
I’m a woman but not having any depression. However, my husband does. Your research shows that depression in man doesn’t affect their empathic accuracy. Is it really true? In the case of my husband, he seems quite inaccurate in his empathy towards me. He has all the symtoms of a person suffering from depression. What can I do to help my marriage?
I absolutely have seen this in my marriage. I am doing better with my depression via online therapy and ACT therapy, and am seeing a HUGE improvement in my marriage. The saying, ‘when Mom is unhappy, everyone is unhappy’ seems to have some truth to it after-all! I also have Asperger Syndrome, so when I’m depressed with my negative glasses on I really am unable to read others much at all. Though, I’d refer to my lack of understanding others on Mind-blindness, rather than lacking empathy. Thanks for the though provoking post!
Relationships are difficult to navigate at the best of times. If a person is depressed they are often lost in their own unhelpful thoughts and feelings. Often these don’t match with what’s really going on around them. A loving partner may not recognise ‘who’ their partner has turned into. Also, they may be afraid of saying the wrong thing and making things worse. This can look like lack of empathy.
I agree wholeheartedly with this. I wanted to understand badly. I watch philosophy videos daily. It’s all I can do to try to understand better his situation. I am also mourning but my empathy level is high, however I still struggle with understanding. I try to agonize over how he feels, Which of I am never certain.
I wish to be certain so that I may be of use. I buy everything but it’s not actual care. It’s not the right care. I wish I knew how to care for him.
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