I continue to find many annoying leftovers from my days of depression, and I know that black and white thinking is responsible for much of it. Something I find particularly exhausting and annoying is how I can make emotional mountains out of molehills. This is called catastrophizing. Inside my head, I let my imagination go wild and create the worst possible outcome for problems that have yet to occur.
I know I do better to prevent it, yet I still continue to do it. I know better, and that’s what frustrates me. I can even say to myself, “Hey, this probably won’t be THAT bad.” But sometimes, the temptation is irresistible. I get sucked into the drama of playing out a worst-case-scenario in my mind.
It takes me through a whole range of emotions, which is an exhausting journey. Take a look at my Mood Swings Are Exhausting post from a few months ago to read more about that. Plus, I get full color images and emotionally charged dialogue to go with it. To make matters worse, I usually develop a few assumptions as the story progresses.
Those darned assumptions, they are a pretty tricky side effect. I must be careful that my emotional joyride doesn’t leap over the border into my real life. I might be in a real mood when my husband comes home because I took way too much meaning into a side comment. I could get teary and overly wrapped up in future events like my daughter’s surgery months before anything even happens.
I’m not advocating this, making a horror movie in your head about your biggest worries. It’s no fun and it rarely accomplishes anything helpful. And catastrophizing is a fairly common activity – it’s just worrying with an extra gear. But when it really gets rolling, I believe the depression thinking makes the extra push. Those old depression connections in my mind really know how to create a catastrophe out of not much. Even a semi-harmless worry can stimulate those nerve paths in my mind that used to run hot with worry and rumination for years.
I’m being honest here – I need to work harder to nip these in the bud. Some days the reminders of my worries seem to be all around me, but I know I’m primed to look for them, too. I think there’s a finer skill to be honed – capturing information, keeping what’s useful, and discarding anything that could run wild in my head.
I would do myself a favor by improving my ability to cut off any worrisome scenario before it got a head of steam. Finding emotional and thought triggers would be a good place to start. Acknowledge the fear, state what I know and what I need to learn, and then tell myself that my fear doesn’t necessarily dictate or match reality. It’s a challenge to adjust bad thinking patterns, but a simple approach can help.
I can’t change the fact that I had depression. I probably can’t change the reality that I’m more susceptible to these leftovers like worry and catastrophizing. But I’ll do my darnedest to use these opportunities to learn about myself. And stopping catastophes before they start? Well, I guess I’ll take that over depression any day.
6 comments
when i become depressed i have these same thoughts but as soon as i fully recover they completely disappear, though i read that the brain structure changes even after depression ends
Be kind to yourself! Sometimes things really /are/ black and white. Sounds like you have been told not to see things this way, and not to catastrophise. Well, your mind is your own! You can let the movie run, and then pass on to something else.
Good comments, both of you! Thankfully, I don’t find myself doing this a lot. When there is something particularly difficult coming up or going on, that’s when I’m most susceptible. Perhaps there is a middle ground, as you said Lucy. Allow it to play just for a while (or at a low level), rather than shutting it down completely.
Realizing that your mind is your own can be a difficult lesson, obvious as it may seem. I’ve said it before, but my mind felt like it was invaded by aliens with my depression. Sometimes, it’s a challenge to remember that it was taken over against my will, and that my right to my own mind still reigns supreme.
Thanks for the insight, folks. I hope to hear more from people on this subject.
Some of us are capable of making the changes you talk about. You sound like you are EXPECTING a certain level of mental health of yourself. I hope that turns out to be something you are indeed capable of.
There are others of us who, no matter how much we try, we can’t get to where you suggest you (and others) should be or at least keep trying to get to. That can make a person feel “less than” or “not good enough” or any number of negative self images. Not to mention just goddarn angry and frustrated.
Not all of us are able to achieve the level of wellness, self control or self help that others are, and so many professionals, family and friends expect us to accomplish and become proficient in.
We are what we are, to keep beating ourselves (and let others beat us) to be better when that is not possible is self defeating and adds to our low self esteem and depression. We are never good enough just as we are.
I’ve struggled with deep depression after a very abusive childhood and both things were horrible, abuse and depression. I’ve been working for a long time to heal and gain a healthy emotional state.
I do know about those runaway scenarios of doom and that there is a balance to all things. I am not in a good place right now with my marriage and I do not see any hope on the horizon, but I do know that as long as I am alive I can change and grow.
I wish I was living a “happily ever after”, but i will settle for doing the best I can with what I have.
I think you have valid insight on the need to exert some self-control in our own minds. It is much easier to stop a car going 5 miles an hour than it is to stop one going 55 miles an hour. Our minds are not that different. Stopping something before it grabs me by the throat is much easier than the recovery period after where I have to work just to regain basic serenity.
I remember the “hellish” days, months and even years of deep depression when I honestly wished I could die. I know there is a difference between that and a mental place that is stable but can be shaken. After deep depression we have to take care of ourselves and not do things that tear our fragile stability down. Controlling rollercoaster thoughts is part of good self-care. At least it is for me.
Thanks for all you shared.
I found the worse part of being depressed was not feeling like doing the things that I love to do. I love to go boating and I discovered I hated the process of hooking up the boat and driving to the lake so I didn’t go. It dawned on me one day, once I got to the lake and put in the boat, I had a great time. I work hard everyday to fight to force myself to go though the process to do things that make me feel better. It is nothing for me to sit for an hour just fighting the resistence to doing what I would like to do. Not feeling like doing things is no longer an acceptable excuse. I will always be depressed, but the depression goes when I am doing things that bring me joy, satisfaction and pleasure.