Depression is like an unwelcome obnoxious guest at a party, the bully at the table next to you in school, the bad roommate you can’t kick out of your house. It’s overwhelming, saddening, frustrating, and imposing. When depression worms its way into a marriage, it can turn a good thing upside down in a short time.
Depression pushes its way between two spouses when it shows up. Maybe only one person is diagnosed, but depression puts its mark on both people. That’s the trickery of depression — the deception that if you even realize that’s what it is, you just think it is about the person with the symptoms.
If you get married in good faith believing that each of you are stable, solid people, depression can be a real surprise. It can come on after a difficult life adjustment, in the postpartum period for a woman, or seemingly out of nowhere. It can look like an anger problem, a social discomfort, overeating, sexual disinterest, or the more obvious appearance of sad mood and tears.
This person you know and love has changed so much, becoming a stranger in your own home. They can seem so far out of reach, either talking about deep dark feelings or not talking much at all. Well, then what? It’s not like sending them to the doctor when they have a terrible sore throat and a fever. That’s obvious and it makes sense. If you ask how you could help, or suggest that they talk to a counselor or psychologist, you might get the stiff-arm. It’s their thinking, their feelings, their participation in life — all intangible things. You can’t put a bandage on that. It’s both frustrating and worrisome.
Here are some examples of how a person might react after their spouse has been depressed for several months. By this point, it can get more difficult to be understanding, more difficult to hear the same problems again and again, more difficult to know where you fit into their life, more difficult to see hope.
“You used to do all these things with your friends, and you’ve just quit going for so long. I want to have people over, but you make excuses for why we can’t do it. And we don’t even go out anymore, nowhere — ever. I’m tired of it, and I’m not going to just have no life because you don’t like being social anymore. What in the world has happened to you?”
“It’s all about you now – everything that goes on with this family, it revolves somehow around you. What you’re ready for, comfortable with, don’t feel like, think is pointless. You don’t want to spend any time with me or the kids when we’re in the house, but you don’t like it when I leave to go see my friends out of town. And you worry too much to let the grandparents take the kids overnight. It’s a no-win situation!”
In both of these examples, the depressed person has overly sensitive emotions, low toleration for stress, and trouble being close with loved ones. This isn’t the two-way street that the spouse expected. It can look more like marital mutiny than a clinical mental health problem. When left long enough without treatment, depression can slowly erode relationships.
The depression warps things inside a person’s brain. Their perspective is off-kilter to the point that they don’t see any difference between the depression and their true self. They take on the depression’s influence as if it is completely based in truth. Things feel so bad, and the thoughts are so negative — it must be because things really ARE that bad. Depression sometimes comes on after something that might make anyone emotionally upset, like a death in the family or diagnosis of a serious illness. If they have short-term distress, the intensity of their emotions will fade over time and they will gradually rebound. Clinical depression makes nearly everything seem unmanageable and overwhelming with little sign of hope or improvement.
Thankfully, when a depressed person does eventually get help, it can be an enormous relief to the spouse. There may be skepticism and hope mixed together. It may even take years for the depressed person to understand the impact their problem had on the whole family. Marriage can be damaged by depression, sometimes beyond repair when it is chronic. But when a person gets help early on for their depression, chances are good that the marriage will improve too.
141 comments
Bad depression,chronic pain (lower back) I need help!! But come to think about it,she needs help too!!
Ricky,
Sounds like you might both benefit from some individual counseling. Chronic pain can certainly make depression worse and vice versa. If you haven’t mentioned this to your doctor yet, it would be a good idea. You can also ask them about local counselors in your area to get started with.
If both of you get some improvement with your depression, a lot of things will be easier to handle. Good luck.
It’s one of the worse things in my life that I’ve gone through w/my husband.He suffers from depression.Problem is w/depressed people, they don’t think they have a problem so it’s hard to get them the help they need.It’s all the spouses fault. I got my husband to talk to someone, he acted like he was totally fine. I looked like the mental patient when we saw his psych.I’ve been through 3 episodes each one worse than the one before.Husband is on meds & we do counseling.I was on meds to help me deal w/him.The episodes are hell!I’ve told him I will never go through that hell again.It’s too painful on myself & the kids.He’s nasty, negative,and a horrible human only to us though.We’re the “safe” ones.He knows of the pain/hurt he’s caused us but he was in his ugly place.He doesn’t really understand the pain.He wasn’t really there.That stays in me even w/counseling.
I have a spouse who has severe depression with uncontrollable angry outbursts. I have been married for 15 years and have dealt with this for most of the marriage. I try to shield my son from the episodes but the older he gets the harder that is. I keep waiting for this miraculous turn around and for him to be like normal husbands and fathers and it never happens. It makes you very resentful and bitter after so long. It may be selfish but I’m tired. Tired of living like this, tired of making excuses for his lack of participation tired of trying to think this normal. 🙁
I too am going through what you are going through. My husband has depression he saw a councellor for a while but stopped. He says only he knows what is going on in his head. He takes meds but stops them every now and again without telling me… then I get the aftermath… angry outburst swearing and shouting in front of our very young children. 2 years of this and I am on the brink of a melt down. He never apologises but puts me down… I annoy him everything about me annoys him. Kids cry he gets annoyed so I am constantly on egg shells. Same as your husband he’s perfect when in front of friends and family but we only get to see the demond he is when he has a bad day. He drinks to much too when he has a bad day. Last week he didn’t come home at a decent hour 3 nights of the week. I don’t know how much more I can put up with this. I have supported him through it all but it’s all me me me only he is the victim. We are just supposed to take it all!!! Me I am the verbal punching bag… sick of it!!! I know I married through sickness and health but this is too much to take.
I am in a similar situation. I’ve had enough of the roller coaster. I’m
Off the ride.
My husband and I have had yrs of therapy and discovered he’s been depressed for many yrs. after an early retirement, death of a close relative, my promotion, turning 58 and health issues he ran to Dominican Republic and didn’t tell us. He’s denying depressiin and blaming it on ADD and blaming me for his unhappiness. He’s seeing a psychiatrist but refuses to go back to Pychologist. He’s homeless, living in hotels, friends basements and running back and forth to DR. He’s spending money like crazy and sending me mixed messages like calling me, hiney and my love in voice messages. I am struggling but stopped reaching out because in tired of the roller coaster ride. He says he loves me and recently acknowledged he needs counseling and I can’t help him; he’s empty and my daughters and I are in counseling. Please help me because I know he’s suffering and don’t want to turn my back on him but I have a stressful job, 3 daughters (19, 15 & 14) and must remain mentally stable. I have a personal relationship with God and reach to him for strength. How long should I hold on it should I close the door?
Jenn,
My husband left 3 months ago and homeless, running back and forth to DR and living from pillow to post. When he’s gone I’m able to focus and my children are less affected. How are you coping with the day in and day out? Many days I wishedhe was home because if rather know he’s ok and render support; am I wrong? I’ve stopped telling him I’m here for him and only resond to his text with simple words such as yes, no etc. he needs to know the window of opportunity to get help and join his family again. It’s hurting me to do this but he’s moved on and I must let him see I have too. God bless you and your family.
Jenn,
I’m so sorry to hear about that, it sounds so tough for you. Glad you are doing some things to take care of yourself, though. That’s really important, for you and your kids.
Denial can be so strong, especially when things are really bad (for the depressed person). It might be the only self-protection they believe they have left.
You know you can’t make a person you care about do something they don’t want to do. That’s the heartbreaking part. I really feel for you, and I hope things make a positive turn for you somehow soon. Don’t stop taking care of yourself.
I have seen a couple back in my home town who had a mentally ill child. It was devastating,since there were no social centers to take the kid to,they would basically leave him all alone at home when they went to work…Unbelievable.
I know when me and my boyfriend are together he likes to do other things, fun things and I’m just wanting to relax (all the time). I always want him around, I know I’m needy. During a few months of our relationship I always let things get out of hand because of my emotions, and now there’s a huge gap between us, I moved in with him from living in CA (now I live in KY with him) and things are much worse, the fights are face to face and more difficult to deal with. I try to talk to him about it, but he cannot understand how I feel… I don’t know what to do or how to go from here, I’ve been tempted to move back with my parents in CA. Any help?
Depression is like “a thief in the night..” So much of the pain is difficult to explain. Often it is almost indescribable. Having suffered with a family that is riddled with depression, it is clear that we are all affected. My personal challenges in depression has at times pressed me to the edge. It has forced me to deal with it as I would any adversary, directly and with the help of skilled professionals.
Today I’ve learned that this is a much more common affliction that affects millions of people. Men, women and children alike…the young and the older, the wealthy and the poor.
The positive news is that there is definitive treatments for this malady. Firstly, as I have done, we much accept the fact that we are not “bad people”, we need knowledge and assistance.
There is much support available, however this is discovered only after we admit to ourselves that we cannot handle such a challenge alone.
Depression in it’s many forms will attempt to engulf “one” that has it….Please know that you are not alone, seek input on this serious problem, and the fog will lift and your light will shine.
We heal as the entire family will.
God bless.
My wife and i are struggling financially. She wants to be a teacher but in Michigan there are very few openings. She feels because she is not contributing financially she is not contributing and letting me and her down. We have discussed selling the house and moving to where she could get a job but how can you sell a house in this economy? I know she won’t be satisfied if she pursues a different career other then teaching but it would help us financially. She doesn’t know what to do, on one hand we struggle but she substitute teaches and she’s not happy because we have little money or she gets a different career we have money and she is upset because she is not teaching.
It is nice to hear others going thru the same struggles as my husband and I. I have tried to suggest conuseling, support groups, anything I think will help and he does not even want to try anything. We have been married only 3 years and started dealing with the depression right after marriage. I feel so alone raising a 2 year old and a 6 year old. No daddy at the park, doctor, school, nothing. It has started to have a huge impact on me as well. I have gained weight and I also have my “bad” days, but as a mother, your really not allowed to have “bad” days. I have so many questions nowadays. Is it bad to consider divorce if the depressed person is not trying? Am I wrong? What can I do to make things easier for myself and children. Coupled with the fact that I moved from Texas to New York to be with him, it has made his guilt worse. Very concerned about myself and my children witnesseing this. Not sure what to do. In desperate need of some help.
Llomb, I am really sorry to hear that and I know exactly how you feel, since things are more or less the same here. My husband is trying very hard to be at least at the weekend somehow with the kids, even 2 hours at the park and he plays with them at home, but everything is limited in time, since he cannot deal with to much noise or pressure etc. What you wrote about the divorce, I used to think of it many times before the kids and had exactly the same feelings as you did. Not sure I it could or should be done. I just saw that this comment is from years ago, how are things now? Any better, did he get help, are you still together?
My husband is going through a bad depression. He thinks it was caused by our recent relocation, though he had a long history of depression since childhood. I did not even know much of this history until now though we were married for 8 years. It is so tough: I have been the sole bread winner for several years since he lost his job – if he had a job we would not have relocated for mine. We pay baby sitters, cleaning ladies, etc to make our life more tolerable for my husband. I also shoulder the bigger share of child care. Still my husband is complaining and blaming me for everything, down to the dishes in the sink. Sometimes his words and actions are so hurtful and untruthful that I want to die myself. My husband and his family are very into meds and counseling, though those do not stop the daily torture. For my son’s sake, I hang on to my faith in God and live one day at time.
Being married to a depressed person is hell – and I will counsel my son to avoid getting involved with any woman who is chronically depressed. Sorry, but I’ve been through this for 16 years now, and am very near the end of my rope with respect to patience, understanding, and frankly carrying the burden she simply won’t/can’t carry (sole breadwinner, cook/shop, finances, much cleaning…). She also seems incapable of loving anyone other than our son – she does not love herself and has disdain for people in general. Thank God she is kind and loving to our son, otherwise things would be so much worse. She just has no energy left for anything or anyone else after that.
I understand this is a medical condition, and I’m not blaming her – but I cannot be a superhuman for ever, doing things for others my entire life and denying my own needs. I have one life to live, and I’m living it effectively as a slave to another person. The only reason I stay in it at this point is because of our young son – without me there on a daily basis I am afraid about how he would be raised (she doesn’t cook, for example, sleeps 10-12 hours a day…). I love him dearly and that is what keeps me putting so much in every day.
I’ve lost patience with the “you need to put up with it and help your spouse” articles. No – I don’t need to put up with it any longer than it takes to successfully raise our son. Then – I’m outta here.
I can see these posts are old, several years old. i guess I just want to refresh them for the next spouse in my (our) position. It seems a lot of wives commenting about depressed husbands. Well I am a husband with the depressed wife – going on about 7 years of depression in our 22 year marriage. I have moved beyond the sharing of the household duties, I pretty much do everything, cooking, shopping, cleaning, dishes, laundry, household maintenance, you name it, (oh yeah the dog too) ( oh double yeah i have a full time job) it’s mine. She sleeps a lot, stays upstairs in the bedroom pretty much all day, doesn’t go out much, sex – HA, if she never had sex again it wouldn’t be to soon for her. It is sort of like having another kid in the house, I have to pick up after her. Have I thought of divorce, Ofcourse, but I simply could not leave the kids in her care alone. it’s not that she is a bad or dangerous mother, it is that she would drive them crazy if I wasn’t around as a leavening experience. The kids are almost out of highschool, who knows then. I continually ask myself how much am I asked to do? how much am I to do? do I not deserve some enjoyment out of life? I am 52, is this the kind of life I am supposed to endure? Until I die? We see a counselor, she is great, my wife has been on meds for a long time, she is always trying new stuff, which is very good. I give her credit for that, I really do. But….I used to say sometimes I feel so alone, now I say I feel so alone.
Muadib I was worried when I read you post, because I think my wife is heading in that direction. Every weekend she spends it in the bedroom and ignores the kids and myself. When I bring it up I am a jerk and then she come out and treat us all terrible. I am thinking about divorce, but if she gets the kids, I would worry because she looses control quite often, but I am here to make sure it nothing bad happens. Our weekend has started out bad because someone didn’t say hi to her yesterday so she is taking it out on us. She refuses to take her meds, and she has tried counselling, but she says they all hate her, but she would come home mad because she said I was happy, because I was right, I have no idea what happened during the sessions, but it didn’t make her happy. I can’t see me staying with her after the kids are grown, because you are right we deserve to be happy.
Maudib , IVE BEEN GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING . I FEEL BAD THAT I WANT TO BE HAPPY . MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 30 YEARS. FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS HE HAS HAD 3 LONG DRAWN OUT BOUTS OF HORRIBLE SADNESS AND JUST FLAT OUT GIVEN UP ON LIVING A FULL LIFE . 90% OPPOSITE OF WHO HE USED TO BE. OUR KIDS ARE GROWN BUT COME BACK AND FORTH BUT HES MEAN TO US ALL . ITS MORE THAN I CAN TAKE ANYMORE. NO ONE LIKES HIM OR TO BE AROUND HIM ANYMORE . I CANT GET THROUGH TO HIM.!!!! !
I am also without patience for my husband who has been depressed for over 3 years! I cannot do it all with 2 minor children. I get this is a disease but i also think they rely on this disease to keep them lazy! I am done with people who say i need to support him! I do not need to do anything but take care of my children! I am extremely angry and i will have to call authorities for the 3rd time to get him help by professionals who’s main job is to get patients out as quickly as possible! Truly a sad state we are in!
Thank you! I am reading article now about how to cope with my husband’s disorder and if I read one more article about how I need to be more supportive I am going to puke. How much more supportive can I be? I am practically a saint. We have two small children and I have to do absolutely EVERYTHING for. How do I explain their father in bed their whole childhood? I try to make up for it by hosting playdates, outings and doing fun stuff with the kids during the week, but weekends when he is at home is a nightmare. All of my friends spend their weekends with their famillies. I spend mine alone in my house with the kids while my husband sleeps. I am so disappointed with the way my life has turned out. I am attractive, fun and outgoing and I have to learn to live a life without love, or fun or companionship. So unfair.
Reading these stories make me see im not the only one. I feel like I’m about to get depressed myself. I get that we need to be supportive and it’s just a disease but what about us and all the turmoil we go through. We are the ones that have to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves right so we don’t upset them or stress the out. I’m sorry but I’m in one of my what about me moments and I simply don’t understand how we can be treated like this and we are expected to be there.
Another thank you to everyone for sharing their experiences i now know i am not alone.i am sitting here
With tears welling up in my eyes and my two children in the background.
My husband has been depressed for so long he takes meds but it
Doesnt seem to help. I do everything around the house and all
He can do is lie in bed or sit in a bean bag playing with his phone when he is home. He has no friends and does nothing with his children. I am at the end of my tether!
Makes matters worse that none of his family know.
I dont want to quit on him, but sometimes i just want to shake him and tell him to think about us. It breaks my heart to see my son missing out on the things other kids do with their dads. He tells me he needs me but is so mean and aggressive most of the time – he is like a stranger. I cant imagine treating people you are supposed to love luke this.
I completely understand the anger. I feel the same way. I keep reading and reading about how to be supportive and what to say/do when your spouse is depressed.
Does anyone know how hard it is to tell someone how you’re there for them and support them when they’re spewing hate at you. Telling you how awful you are, selfish, only think about yourself when you’ve spent years taking care of everything. Only one working, cleaning, taking care of kids (one with very special needs). I get told I’m heartless if I have a day when I need support.
This whole thing is making me depressed. I’ve spent all my time at home on weekends with a sleeping spouse….where I’m just cleaning or waiting….I’m always waiting.
My boyfriend/husband hasn’t snapped out of this for over a year. If I ever have a bad day he’s had a worse day where he’s contemplating suicide. It’s like being hit by a Mack truck…how dare I have a bad day.
I get no support but when called on it I’m selfish and heartless…I’m so tired! B
My Husband and I have been married for 16 years and together for 19 years now. He was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 about 6 years ago. We have been on a rollercoaster. He will go thru times where they will switch his meds and he will be on cloud nine for a month or two and then slowly he is back to the cycling again and then fullblown depression. Poor guy. We would love to taper him off these and try from scratch again.
I would love to be able to talk to his pysch only because I see things that he doesn’t, but wondering is that is even allowed?
It is only God that gets us thru. Yes it affects me because I have osteoporosis in my hips and spine, have had several injuries to my back, and have Fibromyalgia so if he is going thru a bad time and I worry too much about him then my pain levels shoot thru the roof.
I love my Husband dearly and just want him to feel better. Thru it all he still manages to hold down a job though lately it has gotten so bad he would love to quit. In this economy that is not a good choice.
I worry worry worry to the point I am begin to question my own sanity-ha. I laugh, but really it is no laughing manner.
Being the caretaker of a loved one with depression is no picnic. It can be downright hell.
I feel pretty fortunate that my Husband does not burst out in anger though he gets grumpy, but never takes it out on my Daughter or I. He keeps pretty quiet and just stays in bed. That part is hard seeing him so down that he cannot get out of bed.
This illness affects the entire family, but I have to realize that is something that I have no control over and I just make sure he sees his doctor, takes his meds, gets out of the house on ocassion, eats well, and gets some exercise. I have to push him to do it.
I also have to take care of myself. I feel selfish for thinking of myself, but if I don’t I only get caught up in this drama and get down myself.
I just pray that one day they can find a fix all for this depression.
My husband of 10 years is also chronically depressed. He is also diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome. He has been on various meds but with little effect. We agreed that the side effects were just as bad as the depression, especially the withdrawals when going off a med that wasn’t effective. We are now separated. I had planned on staying together until our youngest child was 18, but then I realized that our child would think that this is what a “normal” marriage is supposed to be like…the wife acts as a single mother with only financial support from her husband, the husband spends little to no time with his wife and only spends time with his kids when the wife nags, the husband relies on the wife to handle all stressful situations (or those he just doesn’t feel like handling)…
Maybe I am fooling myself because I want out so badly, but it seems that the negative effects on the children of staying in a marriage where one spouse has a mental disorder are as bad as the negative effects of divorce. Any ideas/experience with this?
I’d love to know the answer myself. Nine years in marriage. ALL in treatment with no lasting improvement. I am effectively a single parent. Just so sad all around. My daughter and I are generally happy, positive people. Don’t we all deserve more?
I hope so!
Reading all these comments help, as I am clearly not the only one. You are all describing my rollercoaster life. And the same questions I have.
This thread is old… can you offer any follow up/advice?
I don’t know what to do…. and now, smack dab in the middle of a world-wide pandemic I am even more at a loss.
🙁
It is such a relief to see that other spouses feel like me. My husband of 10 years has only recently been diagnosed with depression, but in retrospect we have been dealing with it for years. I have always been supportive during his downturns, but it is taking such a toll on me. I am primary breadwinner, primary caregiver to our children, housemaid, bill-payer, decision-maker, etc. In the past 6 months I have had a baby, lost my job, & started a business, yet I get no support from my husband. I feel like life would be so much easier if I didn’t have to carry his weight, and I worry how his depression will affect our kids in the longterm. But my husband says that the only reason he doesn’t attempt suicide is our family. So I feel like my hands are tied.
PBJ & Marci, you wonder how having a depressed parent will affect your children’s future relationships. Well, my father has been severely depressed for over 20 years, and I have watched my mother hold everything together & marvelled at her strength. And here I am, married to a man just like my father. I hope my husband’s depression will be more receptive to treatment than my father’s, and maybe in a year I can look back and be happy that I stuck it out. But right now, I just wish that I had the fortitude and the finances to get out.
I am so glad to find this site. My spouse and I have been married for 3 years and I knew when I married him that he had been diagnosed with “mood swings” and depression. He was diagnosed with some meds and quite taking them because he did not like how they made him feel some yeare ago. A couple of weeks ago, he told me that he thought that he needed to get on some meds because he felt that he was mean when he is in that “deep dark hole”. (He has never been mean but says ugly things if you try to make him talk)
last week he went someplace with friends and he left me standing out in the 25 degree cold for 25 minutes. I got in the car and went off on him; I believe that this lead to an edisope. He has been quiet for 4 days. Then he got up and got dressed to go out (to what appeared to be a club). Te next day, he tells me that he wants a divorce. He says he always has worse episodes when he has a woman in his life. We also have a teen age daughter at home. He says he is not going to take any medication.
My questions are: How do I tell if this is the depression “talkin” or if he really wants a divorce? What meds are available for members of the military that will not harm their career?
Please help.
My husband was finally diagnosed with depression and ADHD about 4 months ago..however he has had all of the symptoms for about 18 months-2yrs. For the past 3yrs I have been living in such a horrible relationship.
My husband refuses to get a job..We were both self employed, and I am not searching for a full time job. He also refuses to discuss anything regarding money without it escalating into an argument ( I have since learned to use our “code” word to end the discussion before it gets bad.)
I HATE paying bills late, but he doesn’t seem to care –too painful for him to think about. I want to fix it, so I have decided to take care of myself…go back to work, loose the weight that I’ve gained cause I stopped exercising when he got sick (on the couch due to the depression)..etc..
He has admitted that he knows how horrible things have been. But, he also says that he is sick and that he’s just taking things one day at a time. I’m stuck because I am so in love with him and just want him to keep getting better, but living with him is such a roller coaster. I’ve been divorced before and don’t want to be again. But the agony I live in every day and the walking on eggshells is agony.
I don’t want to leave him when he’s sick. But I don’t want to loose myself either. How do you find the balance of helping and being there for the one you love, and keeping your sanity at the same time???? We have been in counseling for months now and things aren’t getting better. I feel so alone.
oops,,meant to say i AM searching for a full time job
At what point is it time to give up on patience and compassion when a spouse refuses to follow through on treatment. After 12 years of trying to convince my wife that her moodiness is not normal — and having had four different health-care professionals recommend therapy and/or medication — I’m getting tired of having to deal with the daily roller coaster.
The worst part is that when she tires medication or therapy, she does so much better. But she will only last for about a month before declaring that she doesn’t need it because she would be happy if it weren’t for something our kids or I did to make her sad or angry. Or it could be because of her job or the world in general. But it’s never her.
At some point she has to accept responsibility for her health and happiness. I can’t take too many more days where she blows up in anger or breaks in tears. She complains I don’t answer her when she talks to me, but I have run out of ways to respond to her complaints about life.
Itsgottentough-amen! My husband has taken us down a long and incredibly difficult path. He seeks therapy for a bit and then stops every time. He refuses to try medication of any sort but cannot stay on track with the prescribed exercise and diet guidelines that his counselor has suggested alternatively. I am at my wits end. I have 3 beautiful boys under the age of 6 and cannot bear the though of what a divorce would do to my precious children…however my 6 year old is experiencing problems with anxiety and depression himself and I am concerned that staying may be as bad for myself and them as leaving. I run my own business, mom of 3 and I AM TIRED. For years I thought that this was a martial problem, blaming myself much of the time. Only recently did I realize that although I am not perfect…I am not the problem. I am a good and decent person and my husbands depression is turning me into a depressed angry person. I am not myself and I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. It just feels good to type this out, friends and family are sick of listening. I feel isolated and alone…just crave a stable and boring, everyday life.
Jenhop,
I noticed so many women have commented and I believe it is because for the most part men will not get help. Your comments touched me because I have been married for 2 years and have just rdcently felt the hurtful and feels beyond repairable actions of my husband due to his depression. Oh my goodness I didn’t know what this “depression” was all about til now. I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but I want you to know your not alone and I know how you feel. I felt really alone as a wife who is married to someone with depression. I’m new to this, but of the many things I’m learning I think God is teaching me that we go about the world with our own agenda and dont look around enough and people are carrying pain (like myself right now) but we don’t notice because we are on to the next thing. I’m not minimizing the hurt that our spouses are causing, but they cannot be our soul need for happiness. Easier said than done, I know. This posting has touched my heart because I have felt so alone and an awful person because of my husbands words and I see you have too. Again, feels good to type out and know I’m not alone.
I am so glad I found this site. It has been so helpful to read other posts, and make me realize that I am not losing my mind. My husband and I have been married for six years and have two young boys. He has been battling depression for years. I’m just not sure how many depressive “episodes” I can take because like others have mentioned- I am so TIRED and I feel like I am losing myself. I have always been a happy and upbeat person, but lately I feel like he is dragging me down and that is not good for our children. I try to hold out for the cycle to end, but I know there will be another episode, I just don’t know when. I am so tired of walking on eggshells. It has been helpful to see that others are feeling the same way.
The article described my husband exactly. I have been married 30 years and he was functional through his depression. He was a hard worker and good providor. He never missed work and we did a lot of things together.
However, my children and I never knew what would set him off for the day, spilled water on the table, someone misplaced the toothpaste cap, etc. He was not physically violent but just the anger from small things that he festered about was the issue.
So we have dealt with this until now. He had an issue at work that caused everything that he felt was a failure in his life to come to a head. The depression was one thing, but when he confessed to me and his children that he had been bisexual all his life was the last I could take.
Being bisexual is not what I am upset about, but the fact that he said he never loved me in the right way, had a few affairs with men through our marriage and the danger he put me in is unforgivable. So now he has been in the hospital for almost a week and still not capable enough to discuss all of this with me. Bitter, yes, very. However I understand he has a mental depression but he chose to live a life of lies and I have no respect for that and will not stand by him any longer. My children do not expect me to and are encouraging me to move on as soon as we get him stable.
I am so relieved that I am not alone. My husband of almost 15 years suffers from chronic depression. Basically he has 2 moods – down and really down. We’re in a really down time now even though he’s on meds and in therapy.
For the last few months he’s s been very secretive and telling me lies about silly stuff. When confronted he says he needs privacy. I know something “bigger” is going on, but he won’t own up to anything.
He’s talking about moving out in hopes of rekindling his feelings for me. I really don’t know how I feel about that except that I won’t miss the drama.
I am not alone. My wife and i have been married for 10 years, have two kids, including a relatively explosive child, and, as a previous poster said, my spouse has two moods – down and downer.
It is tough to take, knowing that after almost every day of a long workdays, the dishes, the house, and the kids await me because she doesn’t have the patience with the kids. I crave a nice, boring life.
Send prayers this way.
Three weeks ago my husband was admitted to hospital after saying he had pulled a muscle, but he thought he had broken hip. Up until then he was becoming more amd more depressed, which was making me feel the same. There was no fracture of his hip, but he did have a kidney infection.After treatment he is ready for home, but refuses to stand up. He has been disabled for 20 years, and has managed quite well on zimmer frame and crutches.I feel that he wanted to go into hospital just to get away from home.He is 25 stones, and yesterday 5 nurses tried to move him, but to no avail. They say he must do it himself. I’m at my wits end.
Are there any happy stories??? We have been married for almost a year. I suspect my husband has been struggling with depression for a large portion of his life. He was finally diagnosed about two weeks ago. He seemed to be doing better and then Sunday night he went to bed and has been up for maybe 3 hours since then. Reading these other post have helped me to realize that I’m not alone however I need to see some positives — the things work out side….Are there any message boards or support groups out there?
Yes,it does feel that the only news is bad news. My husband of 32 years was eventually diagnosed with treatment resistant depression (TRD). It has been an enormously big struggle, but I will say the only reason we are still together is because he has an amazing psychiatrist. The man is a genius with pharmaceuticals, which is necessary if you have to tweak and change your medication constantly because of TRD. The main things I would suggest? Go with your spouse to his appointments – you have a much different and more real picture of what is happening. Don’t let a doctor blow you off with the ‘come back in about 6 weeks’ message. Many drugs start working sooner, so if you don’t see results and the side effects are too difficult, call or make appointments sooner. On another front, there are so many meds out there. Don’t think you are stuck with just Lexapro, Zoloft, Prozac. Even with these well-known drugs, they can become ineffective over time. We have done the Prozac and years later returned to it – both with good results. My husband now uses an MAOI, which scares people, but it’s in a patch form, so it doesn’t have the same bad side effects (EMSAM). Check out http://www.crazymeds.us – Crazy Meds: The Good, The Bad, and The Funny of Neuropsychopharmacology. You can investigate different options and see what is new and what people are saying about it. On the flip side, be sure you are seeing friends and doing things for yourself, even if it upsets your spouse. Staying with him/her because you feel guilty about going out doesn’t help either of you. It is important to keep yourself healthy and you must find support! Good luck.
My wife is a high functioning depressive physician. She has been depressed since age 14. I only realized it when she was about 34 – after 10 years of marriage. Amazing you might think but she had med school and residency and stated a practice. We were busy. We have 4 kids. I coach every team possible and was the primary caregiver before we hired a nanny. The kids are old enough now they don’t need a nanny. I have always played with all the kids and am very sucessful financially with my own business. My wife calls me needy when I try to speak to her about things and pathetic when I tell her I love her – or if I want to brag to her (in private) about our great kids. She rolls her eyes often when I talk to her. I have always kept her depression a secret from all friends and family. But last week my HS daughter wrote an autobiography. My wife was described in glowing terms. Me? I was described as needy and tempramental! 6 years more and I am out. I can’t wait to explain to the kids all I went through… and be with somebodywho is happy.
I am glad I found this site. I hate that other people have had to go through this as well, but I feel comfort knowing I’m not crazy. My husband has severe depression and it is killing me. He is constantly taking herbs and supplements to treat his depression and it only makes things worse. I never know what he is going to be like from day to day and I have to be careful what I say or do or it will set him off. The worse thing is we have two small children and he says things that are just mean to them. He never apologizes and never thinks he is in the wrong. I do everything. He would be completely lost without me and he knows it, but he won’t work with me. I am so tired of saving his life. I want him to leave but he won’t and he threatens suicide if I do leave. I am at a total loss. I don’t know what to do. I am not allowed to have a support system because if I talk to anyone about my feelings he gets very angry. I feel sick everyday when he is around. I feel like I’m done. I am just waiting until the kids are older to leave so that he doesn’t retaliate. Give me 12 more years and I am outta there.
Thank you ALL for your comments
I live with a depressive who moved out a few weeks ago. I am sole breadwinner; but, my spuose claims she is no longer in love with me. Depression and alcoholism have taken over our marriage
I am so sad yet still in love.
But, I truly wonder how much more of this I can take
Oh gosh tomorrow my husband will come home. He has been in the hospital for depression since Friday. He was suicidal but didnt try anything ; just spoke a lot about how life would be better without him.
I am so scared when he comes home ; scared that he will start talking like that again.
He also wants to make a major move ; we have spoken about moving back to Europe in a few years but he wants to do it now. The only thing that stops me is that i know I will have to do everything for the move; clear out the house, sell it, sell a business, sell another house, etc etc. I am just overwhelemd by the thought of it all. He would love it if I could pick him up and deposit him in a different country without going thru the moves to get there.
I guess I am angry. I went back to school last year and now I had to stop because of my dh being in the hospital ; we also have two boys (11 & 10).
Why does he run away from everything and leave me with everything? I guess I am also tired and dont know what to do without hurting him anymore than he he hurts
I, too, am glad I have found this site. My husband is 45 and I am 43, and we have 3 kids, son age 10, son age 7, and daughter age 4. My husband has been an on-again, off-again depressive for years. He has just “come out” of a month-long “episode” where he slept 12+ hours a day, called in “sick” to work on many of the days, etc. He would often go to bed before our kids did, and wouldn’t wake up in the morning until I had already taken them to school. He complained constantly about how tired he was, meanwhile, I was solely responsible for “daily life” for the entire family. (Who was really the tired one?)
Now that he has “emerged” from this latest episode, he acts surprised that the kids don’t respect him or seek him out. I have tried to explain to him that he has been out of commission for a month, so the kids have learned to move on without him, and he actually seems surprised/angered by it.
I have found that, over time, my sympathy/empathy has decreased, and my anger/impatience has increased. I know that I am supposed to understand that this is an “illness” and I have read countless articles that talk about how I should be endlessly supportive so my spouse can work through his problems, blah blah blah. But the truth is, but for the kids, I would have left long ago. It is very difficult as the “well spouse” to have to constantly “carry” another individual who has the luxury of “opting out” whenever they feel like it.
Interestingly, my sister had been married to an alcoholic (she has since divorced), and many of the same feelings that I have been having towards my spouse were similar to those she felt living with an alcoholic…always “covering” for the other spouse, tired all the time from shouldering all of the household/kid burdens, having very little time for oneself or for friends/activities, feeling “trapped” by the spouse, etc. She also reported feeling depressed herself, and I have read that “well spouses” often become depressed themselves when having to deal with a depressed spouse.
I read an article a few weeks ago that said that “well spouses” often report feeling like they have to care for their own kids AND an additional “special needs child” (the depressed spouse), all the while operating largely as a single mom. I could definitely relate, having felt that way myself. (I told friends a few weeks ago that I feel like a single mom that doesn’t date!) It’s very hard NOT to get resentful over time….even IF it’s an illness.
I am trying actively to get my husband to go to therapy. He is at least opening to discussing the possibility, so I am holding out hope for that. (Therapy was not even on the table before, so this is progress.) I think what helped a little bit was reporting to him the 90% divorce rate for marriages where one spouse is depressed, that I read about in several articles. Something about hearing it from an “outside, objective” source may have made the difference…we’ll see.
In the meantime, I don’t have any great advice to offer since I have been in the situation myself, EXCEPT to say that it is CRITICAL that YOU have friends/family/therapist/WHATEVER to support YOU. Otherwise, it is so easy to become bogged down and depressed yourself…I’ve been there.
Quick follow-up…I should also mention that our 10-year-old son is now also showing signs of depression…grades are slipping, seems angry and tired a lot, upset/cries easily etc. {sigh}
Contaminated is the word that keeps coming to mind. I’m 27 years old and my life is now contaminated. I have tried so hard to make good choices and lead a good life. But now, my life is spiraling out of control.
I have been married for a little over 4 years to my high school sweetheart. We have been together since we were 14. He has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. He is/was the most amazing person that anyone could ever meet. But he has now been replaced with an unwelcome stranger. A depressed, dark and negative person. Looking back in retrospect, he had some of these behaviors in the past but I don’t think to this extent (or at least we weren’t living together then and he could hide it better.) His thoughts are irrational and negative and I feel like I have to walk on egg shells every day. I never know what each day will be like. It is a roller coaster of emotions and if I don’t match my emotions to his, then we clash. I have to take care of everything….grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, oil changes, lawn work, and work a full time job. He does goes to work everyday and has a fairly stressful job. We have a beautiful home, great jobs (psychologist and engineer), good social support, fairly normal families, and we love each other very much. He exercises at least three times a week and continues to be very social. I am the only one that really sees this depression. He is usually the life of the party, the one that craves attention and feedback from others. We don’t have any children yet. This depressive episode….man, how I hate that word because episode indicates that there are more to come…began in June or July. Once he started talking vaguely about how life would be without him almost as if he was considering suicide, I insisted that he seek professional help. He has been on medication for about 8 weeks. He went to a counselor once. As of now, the meds don’t seem to be helping and he isn’t interested in going back to the counselor. I am hoping that something works soon. I just want him to feel better. I know he is hurting and that just kills me. I want my partner, my best friend back. I feel selfish because I have needs too, I feel resentful because I can’t ask for them to be met, I feel disappointed because this isn’t how I thought our life together would be, I feel powerless, scared, frustrated, etc. I try to hold on to my hope and faith in God that we will make it through this fairly unscathed. A big part of me wants to run and hide. I want children, I was born to be a mother but what if this becomes a life-long problem? Many of the people on this blog have said they wouldn’t stay if it weren’t for their children so do I continue to stay knowing that this is what I am facing? Thanks for listening to me ramble, this is the first time I’ve come across this site and it is somewhat comforting to know that I’m not alone in this….
Dear Contaminated,
Your story is so familiar to me that it hit me like a ton of bricks! I know this will sound odd, but I am SO relieved to know that I am not the only one going through this! Our stories are quite similar (met my husband in school, we are about the same age (I’m 30) and still no kids. I can relate to your story, and it almost brought me to tears! I know EXACTLY how you feel! Last night, I was SO angry and resentful towards my husband and I feel like I can’t say anything because it might damage him even more. I needed someone to be there for me, I was having a terrible day, and I came home just needing some comfort, a hug, some kind words. Instead, I got negativity, complaints and coldness. I was sitting by myself and holding back anger towards him. I just felt that for once, I needed someone to take care of me and he wasn’t there. I cried, he patted me on the back and went upstairs. I know this sounds mean, because I know that he is ill, but I was so mad at him, so resentful! I don’t know what to do! I am at a loss… I hope your husband is feeling better and pray that both of you will be strong enough to survive this, and to enjoy a peaceful life again. Please let me know if anything helps – I am willing to try almost anything! Thanks! Emely
Emely,
I feel the same as you and contaminated. I’m 28 and married to a man I met when I was 18. We do have two children though, ages 3 and 6 months. And a lot of time I feel like a single mom. He goes to work and supports us financially, but other than that, not much. He has struggled with anxiety since he was a child and has been on medication for years for that, but the depression thing is new to me. He shared with me a couple weeks ago that he’s been dealing with it for around 3 years now without telling me. We had a bad spot in our relationship due to his selfishness around that same time and said he didn’t want to share his depression with me because he had already put me through so much. And with 2 kids I’m sad to say I didn’t notice. I knew he was a little different, but I figured he’d tell me if something was up. For a long time I’ve felt like I’ve been carrying this family in all other areas besides financial because he has such a stressful job as a cop, but now that he’s “sick” I feel like I can’t ask anything of him. He’s been going out drinking with friends and doing other things and sleeping so much to stay distracted and keep the bad thoughts away and it’s driving me crazy. I want a partner. I want a father for my daughters. I want him to be a man. And I now that he can’t do those things right now because he’s not feeling well and it’s not his fault, but the bratty girl in me just wants to yell and scream and throw a fit. I have felt like I have had to be so strong for so long, and it’s makes me so sad knowing that there is no one to take care of this family if I can’t hold it together. This family will fail if I don’t stay strong. But opposed to my husband who has a world of support from me, I have no one.
I do consider myself lucky after reading so many peoples’ posts because he is open to help and medication and counseling, but it’s through our health insurance and he couldn’t get an appointment for a month. That’s two weeks from now and I just feel like our life is on hold until then. We had a big blow out last night and eventually got things as on track as possible, and decided my new mantra is “two more weeks”. I know not everything is going to get better then, but I’m hoping we’ll be going down the right path, because right now both of us are lost. I also decided today that I should probably go to counseling as well. I always figured I was the healthy one and didn’t need it, but I have so many feelings and thoughts and concerns and insecurities that I know I’m not going to feel better unless I get them out.
I hope with all my heart you have made some progress.
i know how you feel. i have 2 beautiful children, work full time, cook, clean, raise the children, maintain the house and 2 cars but wife cant hide her depression anymore. i am basicly a single parent with a very depressed monkey on my back that i fell in love with and invested my whole future with. its like running a cruise ship all by myself on some days. my nightmare is coming home aferwork with the children with my wife laying lifeless on the floor. not all days are this bleak but other days this could be very real. my wife will be checking to the hospital soon and i pray your husband can seek the help he really needs because it is a viscious cycle.
I would monitor him closely over the next year to see how he progresses. If he doesn’t improve, I highly recommend getting out of the relationship.
I have a nearly 3 year old son and a spouse who has been depressed for 4 of our 4 years of marriage. If we hadn’t had my son, I would have left him. As it stands, my son is too young to risk having his care split between my husband and I in separate houses. In a few years, when he is more emotionally independent, perhaps my feelings will change (or my husband’s condition will improve!)
Children infinitely increase the stakes of a marriage. If your husband is poisoning your relationship, don’t be mistaken, depression can ruin lives. I don’t say this to be alarmist, but rather to forewarn you that depression is like an unwanted house guest.
Best regards,
Alpha.
Am sorry you are going through this. I see this post from 2010, my contaminated life just started 1 year ago. I understand your hell. I hope things are better. My husband suffered from severe trauma. His parents (maggots) are trash and gave him a life of hell all until I met him. They hid it pretty well. My husband is a good man. But after his maggot dad passed away, it was like his mind or subconscious was free to cry and let out all the poisonous pain they inflicted. Now after a year of therapy he was doing better for sometime , now he starting to hate everyone, even my family who’s behavior doesn’t help. Is a struggle because he wants me to hate them too, but that’s absurd, none the less is a battle every day, I truly have started wondering even if he loves me anymore. I truly believe he keeps me around for company and for the life style we can afford together. I have now constant thoughts of leaving him. And stay away for my sanity. Am tired of blame, and scared of his horrible anger outburst. I don’t feel safe at my own home anymore. I am praying for help and guidance. One thing I know. You and I deserve to be happy. And no one even a depressed person should take that away.
same thing here, im 25 and have been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year now. everything was great for the first 9 months or so. things seemed normal, i was happy and felt great about where the relationship was headed. we could have fun doing anything with anyone. also we used to have alot of sex which was initiated by her most of the time. now the last few months have been crazy!! she doesnt seem to want to do anything. and i have no more sex life. i love her so much, but everything i say or do is wrong and i dont know what to do. she was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety and is seeing a therapist and taking meds. she seemed a little depressed at first, but now its really bad and i dont know how much more i can take. i understand that depression is a mental disorder, but at what point do i give up. i put her before myself in every situation because i love her. it just seems like im getting nowhere. i spend all of my time with her doing the things she wants to do in hopes that she will have a good day and be happy but it always ends up bad. it only takes one small comment or gesture to set her off. she doesnt come around if im with my friends at all anymore. for example a buddie of mine has been coming over once a week to watch a tv series with me as he doesnt have cable at his house. one night my girlfriend was supposed to come over and was gonna stay the night. when i mentioned that my buddie was gonna stop over to watch the show with us she decided to tell me she wasnt going to come over because she didnt want to hang out with my friends. i was like hes only gonna stop by for the 30 minute show and then hes going strait home to go to sleep cuz he had class early the next morning. she didnt care and stayed home for the night and treated me like i was a jerk for inviting my friend over when i knew we were supposed to hang out. i was just trying to be a good friend to my buddie and get called a jerk. this isnt a really bad example of the stuff that happens but this type of stuff happens all the time. she will even get mad at me for things i cant help or have no control over. i know its her depression which is why i dont yell and get upset cuz i just want things to get better. im also afraid that if i leave her she might do something i would rather not mention but you know what i mean. i always considered my self one of the most considerate caring and sensitive people around. ive never had a problem putting my feelings aside when someone is in need of help. but ive also never had to do it to this extent and its to the point where i wanna give up but dont want to because i really love her and dont want to lose her but at the same time im driving myself crazy trying to figure out what to do. or if there is anything i can do. i dont know this sux. i love her so much and want to spend my life with her but if she doesnt change her mood i cant do it. i cant do it to myself. its making me depressed and ive never been a negative person always energetic and positive. i dont want to have to leave her but if something doesnt happen i will im just afraid of what she might do if i do. i wish she would feel better and things could go back to normal. i cant even think of how to type what im feeling its so upsetting.
Wow, it feels like you’re talking about me. My boyfriend is 25, we’ve been together for a little more than a year, and I’ve been battling depression the whole time. It’s gotten bad now that I’ve put on extra weight (30 pounds extra), and he’s meeting a bunch of smarter, more beautiful women in law school. All of a sudden, a man that used to dote on me and get so excited to be around me no longer has time for me or wants to be around me.
I’ve tried to breakup with him, not because I don’t love him, but because I’m afraid it’s inevitable…and more because I want him to fight for me, for us, to tell me that our love is worth saving and sacrificing for.
I would implore you, don’t leave your girlfriend. She probably needs your love more than she can say. Continue supporting her–but letting her know what the end game is: a happy relationship for you both.
You’re a lot like myself. I’m energetic, optimistic, carefree, and understanding. I’ve recently begun dating a girl who on our third date disclosed to me that she battles with depression and was diagnosed young. She takes medication religiously, knows her doses, consults a physician regularly to determine if changes must be made, talks to a therapist (of five years). Now I have to give her respect for telling me all this. It wasn’t that hard to swallow at the time because I’ve never battled with depression or had any reason to look into it. After reading everything on this site and others… hmm…I’m 32, have a good job, and feel like the world is open to myself and even then, us. So far, we’ve been together just over a month. She’s wonderful, beautiful, fit (works out all the time), has a great personality and our senses of humor are dead on exact. We both are very active and enjoy being active together. I haven’t had a girlfriend in quite a long time due to higher standards, so when I met her she totally felt like a Godsend. Still does, in fact. But I am not without concerns.I haven’t really seen any bouts of depression, but I’m sure I’ve witnessed aftershocks because of it. Little idiosyncrasies that were caused by possible episodes in her past where one reaction lead to this reaction and now she’s very jealous or paranoid (in the sense that if I give a girl I’ve known for years a hug, then I’m possibly interested in her, which of course is not at all the case… I’m faithful and don’t serial date).She tells me that she’s extremely high functioning during her bouts. She has a doctorate, has wild aspirations that are completely achievable (ones I would love to cheer her on with and help along the way), so much potential and energy to take on whatever challenge may come, etc. I could definitely see myself falling in love with this woman.My question to you, Dr., is are you still dating the woman mentioned in your post or has that gone? If the latter, was the break up over her depression?And if anyone else reads this, any advice from much wiser counsel would be heavily appreciated. So far it seems the stories I’ve read on here are complete downers… I say that with sympathy for each persons situation… but are there any success stories out there? And is the divorce rate for people with depression 90-freaking-percent?!
I definitely am taking a lot from all of the experiences and insights on the message board. I am 35 and have been married for 13 years. My husband was mostly functional during this time, and while a very active father to two boys, he would have down times and would drink to self medicate. He was usually fun during these times. However he had a history of lying. He told me he had graduated college (not quite), and lied about paying bills and such( he always said he was trying to proect me, and supported us financially). For the most part we were happy. However he was very good at hiding his depression during this time, through drinking with friends and at home constantly having the tv on, etc. When I he started acting more depressed recently he started counseling. Unfortuantely he never told me he had lost his job several months ago and he spiraled into a deep depression and was hospitalized for 5 days due to suicidal thoughts. I found out during that time that our house of ten years was foreclosed on and had 7 days to move my kids and all our belongings. We had no recourse of any kind left available. All because he was not opening mail but hiding it. He had also never told me about the visits from the bank. I am the breadwinner and am pursuing separation etc. as I am so angry. I am now a single parent and paying all the back bills is killing me. I am in a townhouse that’s all white and sterile, but my boys are doing okay. My husband refuses to take any blame, and feels like I isolated him in his darkest moment. He thinks I have it easy. The reason I walked was the lying.
If the lying hadn’t been part of it I may have stayed. However, I can even fathom a second chance under these circumstances. It’s horrible to have a marriage end this way, but I cannot make him happy. He has no energy or motivation to change. We had a huge financial loss, but I have a good job and will someday have a home again. I never wanted a divorce, but when faced with the lies paired with the inability to even discuss anything I am left no choice. My boys needed to not be around that all the time (they see him a bit and are sometimes overnight.) This once very successful financial executive now does heavy labor working overnight for nothing. He refuses therapy but takes the meds supposedly. I believe the therapy is what he needs. I look back and think what did I do wrong? I had to leave the house we all loved, the yard we all cared for, all of the memories. I certainly am not perfect, but I do deserve to be healthy. To all the women especially, separation may be neccessary when kids are involved. It doesn’t have to be final. I am managing a town house just fine. I rent it, I feel safe and it’s fine. There is no yardwork and just a few bills. I should have done this a while ago. I have terrible days myself, but I needed to get away and take care of myself. Kid are resilient but depression affects the whole family. If someone is not actively treating it it can be too much to be around. I am supportive towards him and positive about him to the kids. However I do not lie or make promises I can’t keep. I wish more people talked about this stuff, it’s so hard for others to understand. My husband is not a jerk, but if a sick person refuses to get help he is endangering his family.
alone,
I agree there should be more real life help. Telling people to be patient and deal with it, is not enough. Obviously, anyone seeking advise about how to deal with a spouse’s depression, has been dealing with it for a long time. Also, everyone article I have read ends with the spouse seeking treatment, like that is the happy ending and everything is solved. However, in many cases even with treatment, the behavior of the spouse does not seem to change much. Thanks for your honest response. It was refreshing to hear a real life answer. I am dealing with a similar situation and have not made any definite decisions about what I will do in the future. However, it is helpful to know that other people in that situation are feeling the same way. It makes me feel less trapped.
I am feeling so frustrated right now… Had found this site and others previously, but hadn’t posted, and just feel the need to unload and rant… I can identify with many others on here – especially “tired”, “FAL”, and “alone”. I totally agree with the comparison to having an extra needs child, so often I feel like I am the only adult in this household, the only voice of reason, the only one with any sense of responsibility. I’m 37 and have been married 6 years, and our son is now 3 1/2. My husband was first treated for depression 3 years ago after experiencing suicidal thoughts, although he had been symptoms for a few months prior – once it was given a “name” it made perfect sense to me and I felt foolish for not recognizing it sooner. He joined an anger-management group and was on Lexapro for 6 months before deciding he no longer needed it (wrong!). He went off it right after we bought our first home together, and I could see things spiraling downward again. Since then he’s been on & off it, currently off for close to a year now. He seems to be totally in denial, although he self-medicates by smoking pot on a regular basis. I don’t know if he realizes I’m aware of it or not. I can tell when he runs out because he’s just so hateful… yet when he has it he’s irresponsible and unpredictable. We went to counseling together about a yr and a half ago, only 3 visits, which were completely unproductive because he thought it was a waste of time to begin with. Our marriage has become a total failure, we sleep in separate rooms, barely communicate, and basically have no respect for each other any more. He used to be my best friend, the person I wanted to spend my life with, and now the word “hate” frequently enters my mind… and now he’s home and I need to sign off… bottom line is I’ve just had it and want to be done with him, but it’s not that simple with a young child involved…
(continued…)
He appears to be on the edge of another depressive episode… The warning signs are there, and the outside circumstances are not in our favor. He hasn’t been real big on holidays for as long as I’ve known him, and now he’s been laid off from his seasonal job (happens around this time every year). I’m starting to see the irritability, reacting negatively to things that I say that are completely innocent, being rude to me in front of our son, acting like that extra “child” with no sense of responsibility… And other times he’s Mr. Sociable, suddenly he’s interested in having a conversation with me… actually “conversation” isn’t quite accurate, he just wants to talk, not so interested in listening… usually after being out of the house for a while, pretty obvious that he’s been out smoking pot with friends. I’m just so sick of it. Sick of wondering how long before it all blows up, sick of wondering how long he’ll be bearable before the negativity takes over… sick of feeling like I’m just being negative myself, even though I know that it’s really just reality. Most of all I worry about our son. Right now he is a sweet, intelligent, funny, well-adjusted little boy, but I wonder how long it will be before this dysfunctional environment begins to affect him, or maybe it already has and I just don’t know it yet? If he continues to hear his father name-calling me with obscenities whenever he’s in an ugly mood, how can he continue to respect either one of us? How will this affect his future relationships? If only we could see into the future, to know definitively what will happen… So often I just want to just take my son and leave so we can start over, have a new life without all this negativity, but I know that would be such horrible process… there is no doubt in my mind that my husband would be completely, hatefully vindictive, based on stories from his past regarding his ex-wife and daughter. And our son would be caught in the middle, and probably that would be worse than the current situation. But how do I know the current situation won’t get worse? What if he suddenly “snaps” – shouldn’t I get out before then? If only I knew…
I first posted my rants and raves about a month ago titled Contaminated. This was while my husband was going through a 6-7 month bout of depression. This was the first time that I really realized what was going on. He has been on Pristiq for about 8-9 weeks now. But now, all of a sudden, and literally over night….he has changed and is back to his normal self. Literally over night! He is completely back to the person that I knew before. I am so very glad that he feels better. I’m not sure what changed for him or if it was just the medication at work. My question is for those of you that have been dealing with spouses that go through cycles of depression…is this something that you have seen happen? Does it change that quickly? I want so badly to be happy with this change but I can’t help but wonder if he will slip back into that “rut” as before.
Hi There
My hubby also changes back quickly, I’m left with my head spinning, one week with it all looking hopeless, the next everything ‘fine’. i don’t know if this is common – have only just realised that other people go through the same thing, thought I was by myself! Certainly this last time though there has been a pretty quick change for the positive. I just need to catch up myself now and trust that this change is for keeps!
Contaminiated…
Here is my take on getting better quickly. I met my husband in college…sr. year. 4 years after we graduated we got married (lived together for 3 of those 4 years). He was absolutely my best friend and soul mate. About 3 years into our marriage, he changed. He was the person with the most common sense I have ever met (and I think of myself as a down to earth, non-drama, common sense person) and he totally “lost it”. He wouldn’t answer my calls – well into the night – started drinking alot and mentioned many times he thought he might just want to “end it all”. I basically told him he needed to go to couceling with me or we needed to split up. We went…the councelor wanted to see him on his own – got him on meds…he got worse and finally came to the conclusion that he was a “thinking man and needed to think his way out of this mess without meds”…low and behold – he did…got back to himself…2 years later – we built a house and the next year had our child – who is now 4. About 6 months ago – he went downhill again. This time he is saying – he doesn’t have thoughts of killing himself(so therefore he is not “depressed”) but he is just unhappy with his life…Loves his daughter but doesn’t love or care about anyone else…including me. I have lost my best friend and I am heartbroken. I have been reading about men and depression and one thing I have read is that many times men have depression because of something they supress from the past…it comes back to haunt them in various ways if they don’t identify the problem and deal with it. This makes sense to me because he did have a few very bad experiences in his childhood and his family (who I do love very much) seems to deal with problems by pushing them aside and not confronting them. His sister died at a young age and a friend of his died in an accident in his arms as a teenager. I have no doubt these things weigh on him deeply and somehow are part of the source of anxiety. I will continue to try to get him to come with me to get counceling…we really could have a wonderful life…we have a spunky four year old, two good jobs, and a beautiful home, and good families and friends…what else could a person ask for? I hope your husband keeps on the same track…but in our case – I think my husband got over the last bout of depression without really knowing and understanding the root cause – and I think that is the reason for the return. I am hoping to get to the root cause this time and get my life partner back forever…it is very painful and heartbreaking…good luck – and I hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling life and relationship!
Wow, I just re-read my last post (rant) and realized that I made myself sound pretty insensitive, complaining about my husband wanting to talk… geesh, how b*tchy of me not wanting to listen, right? That’s what I get for getting caught up in my ranting and typing incomplete thoughts. In actuality, we do occasionally have fairly normal, 2-sided conversations when he’s not in the middle of a mood swing, as long as nothing comes up that could spark the slightest disagreement. The “talking” I was complaining about was referring somewhat to his irrelevant, pot-induced ramblings – essentially harmless, but can get annoying after a while. But even worse, when he’s in one of his ugly, irritable moods he goes on tirades saying mean, negative, insulting things about other people, sometimes about people he doesn’t even know, sometimes about people who are supposedly his friends. It’s bad enough having to listen to it myself, but when he bad-mouths his so-called friends in front of our son, I feel like I have a responsibility to suggest that he set a more positive example… and then he gets mad and is rude to me instead.
Wow, do NOT feel like you sound insensitive – it’s how I feel too with my husband! This disease affects us too! I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and sometimes I think it’s because of my husband’s moods and unpredictability. I love him with all my heart. Please don’t get me wrong. It’s just sometimes I think that his mood and attitude when he’s depressed affect me more than I care to believe. I too feel extremely angry, tired and most of all, resentful. I know this is not right, but sometimes, I just want somebody to take care of me. What you are feeling, I think is normal. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Take care.
Been to the counselor many times in the past – she gets on meds – things improve. Counselor no longer necessary. Time goes by. She quits the meds. Things get crappy. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Every little thing is a trigger. I bend over backwards. Arguments. Bad things are said to me. Bad things are sometimes done to me (but she is not capable of doing much). Through all this, she has trained herself not to say certain phrases. Just gets us to the edge but not enough to force me to call for help.
No companionship. No love. No friends. Family is oblivious (or pretends to be).
So tired.
I am new to this site. I have been married to a wonderful man for 20 years. We have been together since we were kids. Last March he fell and hit his head receiving a concussion (his second). This concussion triggered a severe depression, at first with delusions that almost killed him. His doctor said that head injuries can often cause depression. He was hospitalized in September and is now left with a major depression that won’t ease. His whole personality has changed. He was so active, hardworking and funny. He never had depression before (he is 43). At first I was super supportive and kind. I spent every waking moment reading about depression. After several months of him ignoring everything that I asked him to do such as wake up and take a shower and eat breakfast, I have now become bitter and angry. He lost his business and can not work. I am trying to work 60 hours a week, take care of the house, pay bills etc. but he wants to just barely exist. I am desperately trying to save our home but I am not making enough and need him to work again. We are starting to fight all the time and then I feel so guilty but I am miserable. He doesn’t even hug me or touch me anymore. He is on meds but they are doing nothing. I am so alone that I now feel depressed myself. I do not know where to turn. I miss him so much and I want to run because I don’t even like the person he is now. I am afraid that the man that I loved my whole life is not coming back. I don’t know what to do to help myself because I really do not feel well myself at this point the stress is too much. Thank you.
As many other people who posted here, I am also deeply confused about what to do. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years now and it was never easy. Before I met him, I was a very “optimistic” and kind girl. The relationship I had with him changed me into a clingy girlfriend who was often compelled to make him “feel better”. I did not understand depression that much and nor did I understand why he would have suicidal feelings out of the blue. I always wanted to make him function and in the end of our relationship, my love for him was more like I had to be there to make him get on with life. I never liked that because I could not bear with such emotional dependency.
He has been to psychiatrist but it didn’t help much. So As I read through this article, it doesn’t seem like a substantial solution to this. He and I are going through a phase of breaking up and I’m tired of being the one who’s holding onto it. After reading about several posts here, I think I feel more justified of defending my own feelings and a possible future without so much complication in life.
This breakup will be hard but I will keep coming back to this page to listen to other people and possible advice. I will not stop contacting my boyfriend and we sort of agree to be in contact for a long time and just be friends. It is probably a good idea…I just don’t know how…When he feels depressed and suicidal again, what should I do?
Hi,
Just reading through this site. I know you are confused and tired and searching. You are also probably semi-hopeful that things might change. I always thought I would be enough for my husband. I love him intensely and we have been married for 32 years. But depression will ravage your life, And it doesn’t go away or get better, just because you love each other. Please make the right choice now, while you have the freedom. Freedom with money; freedom without children. Yes, sadness and guilt may be a part of the choice, but these will not stay with you for a lifetime. Living with a depressed individual, and its consequences, WILL.
I have a loved one with depression and it was hard last year when he was out of employment, when time was pretty much like what people here described.
I went through it by myself and with support from my close friends. Things are improving for us as his situation (job) improves. He still has depression but at least he is not letting that affect his daily function or affect my emotion. It is important for both sides to be considerate about each other when depression strikes or when argument arises. Letting space is a good solution. Knowing him well enough [that he wouldn’t do silly things], I let him do his own things or sleep when he sends out the signal. Trying to comfort him [in your own way] is just going to make things worse. Talking about something else to distract each other is another. We have common interests in discussing news and visiting parks, which helps a lot. Compared to before, right now we both have good improvement.
Depression is affecting a lot of people in this world and it is hard for me to believe that all of them lead to miserable lives. If breaking up is the solution, it sounds like the large population with depression are doomed. It is just hard to believe in this. I hope there are more positive stories.
UPDATE: Well, I was just reviewing my post from back in November of 2010. My husband lost his job (again) in January of 2011. Here it is March of 2011 and my husband’s on-again-off-again battle with depression finally overtook him, and he is now in a full-time day program at a psychiatric hospital. (This followed me finally kicking him out altogether after I caught him “self-medicating” with our kids awake and about 50 feet away!)
Since neither of us is employed at the moment, we lack the financial resources to have him move out completely (which would be my preference). In his defense, it is good that he is at least in a program. For my own part, however, I am still keeping my distance…we sleep in separate rooms.
I am not sure that even if this treatment is “successful”, that I will ever trust him again after all the lying (similar to another poster). I am also not sure if the damage that has been done to our relationship is “repairable” either. Or if it is, it will take a LONG time to fix. He has asked me to attend “couples counseling” with him, but I told him frankly that I felt it was premature. I am not sure that I even WANT this relationship anymore. Who knows if he will “relapse” again and we will be “back on the train” again? I am just OUT of patience at this point.
On the positive side, he actually has seemed greatly improved since starting the out-patient program, but my honest gut feeling is “…that’s great – good luck with that.” I just have simply run out of tolerence for any more “drama”.
Wow. Reading this is what I have been living. Have you filed for divorce? I am now thankfully separated and her angry outbursts, then nice behaviors(because she wants something) have reached a breaking point. Her blaming me for everything is over with. If three weren’t kids involved, I would have walked away years ago. I used to feel empathy, but she lies, is angry, irritable and argumentative, and suffers from chronic illnesses. I don’t want to live with someone who is ungrateful and only picks out faults and blames.
So far, I have been blamed for all aspects of the depression and if only I would change, her depression would go away. I supposedly need to call her more and tell how attractive she is more and how much I love her more, but it is never enough and most often she responds in an insecure way (do you really think I am pretty? do you really love me?). We hardly ever go out with other couples because if I want to do that, it means I really don’t want to be with her and I should supposedly want to spend all of my time with her. So, not only does she not nurture her own friendships, but it makes it hard for me to maintain my friendships with other married couples because I can’t go out alone. Oh, and we don’t talk about “us” enough to her liking. I have stopped walking on eggshells, conforming my mood to hers, and buying things that supposedly will make the depression better since none of this makes a difference. Our once excellent sex life is almost non-existent. I don’t initiate because it results in rejection. And, I don’t touch otherwise, because it also is treated suspiciously as a sexual advance. Her latest strategy is to blame the poor sex life on me, telling me that she doesn’t feel loved and therefore doesn’t feel “in the mood.” Further, she has insinuated that there is no longer any “lust” [my word]. Then she asks why I don’t seem to be bothered when she wields these “feelings.”
I would never cheat, but I am self-confident and have met enough attractive women who disagree with her assessment not to worry about it. We go on frequent lunch dates, I buy flowers, and pay her sincere compliments. When she asks for more compliments I tell her that specific instances within the immediately preceding daysand she basically can’t remember them. Nothing works. I wish I had known more about psychology before marriage, or I might have picked up on the clues of her terrible family life (including a bi-polar mother), but I now think I was, to her, a knight in shining armor (in the sense of stability, not money). Instead of enjoying the bright future we have (and the ten excellent prior years), she is now consumed with how she was cheated out of a good child hood (verbal abuse, no father figure, abandoned by mother). The house is not unsanitary, but is not nearly as organized as it used to be. I am going to have to hire a housekeeper to pick up that slack. I already had to hire tutors to facilitate homework, because even that is too much. She does seem to handle the shopping, cooking, and the laundry, so basically my wife has transformed into an asexual, unhappy, but attractive version of Alice from the Brady Bunch. Anyway, since I would never win the kids in Court, I am sure some of the above will be viewed as insensitive, and I may not have worded some of this with as precisely as I would like, but to conclude, if I were the woman, I would be out of here with the kids, but because there are young children involved, and I won’t get the kids, and I am the breadwinner, I am going to attempt to ride it out. I have shifted my focus to trying to minimize any imprint of her issues on the children, which unfortunately is probably going to require me to get professional advice. (Tried counseling, by the way, but it failed . . .she walked out.
Chuck, I can relate to a lot of what you’ve described. I plan on posting my story too, but just wanted to reply.
I too have been the selfless husband who has complimented and loved my wife tons, but the topic has always come back regarding my lack of it… and honestly, it has waned over the years as I’ve “battled” her in this depression. I’ve had my times of depression and low self-esteem in life, but have fought for myself ( I know clinical depression is different).
In general (in the good times), she makes me feel like a better person and I’ve grown in our marriage, but all of my love and compliments don’t seem to have the same effect.
I’ve also recently gotten the sex complaint, and despite her recent weight gain, it’s more about her attitude. Who wants to have sex with a sad, depressed person?… and when we do it feels more like another random thing we did (like doing the dishes or something) and there’s little or no passion from her. Needless to say, that doesn’t exactly inspire me to come back for more.
reading all of this is caring the s*!# out of me. so much of this is like reading my own life. i have been married for 3 years, second marriage. we have a 2 yr old and i have a 9 yr old from a previous marriage. my husband was handsome, funny, smart and my best friend. we had great sex and a lot of it. when i was pregnant with our son he started getting mean….not physically, he just said mean things. it wasnt horrible, just little things, like my butt was getting big, and if i was tired (which happens when youre 8 months preganant) he would say i was being lazy. he got started getting irrationally upset about things like dishes in the sink or laundry not being put away immediately. and one day he just kept picking at everything that i do wrong and i started to cry (partly hormonal im sure) and he completely flew off the handle. He started yelling about how he couldnt believe i was crying etc…i was horrified. to me it seems that if your prgnant wife is crying because youre being mean, even if you think shes being overly sensitive….wouldnt you want to console her??? instead i cried it out in the bathroom and then made dinner. it progrssively got worse until i basically spent every day trying to preempt his bad moods, trying to take care of anything that might upset him before he got a chance to get upset about it. I work, i have 2 kids, he does nothing with either of them….i could count how many times hes changed a diaper, he never drops off or picks up either of our kids. dr appointments are my responsibility as is dinner, baths, homework etc.. and when i need to work late or do anything that would require him to assist with the kids, he loses his freakin mind over it and its usually not even worth it by the time i have to deal with the reprecussions. yet he complains that im not bringing in enough income. he yells and berates me in front of the kids and im sick of it. I dont deserve this, i lived for 30 years without his help and now he treates me like im stupid and incompetent, i can do nothing right. recently he says he came to realize that somethings wrong and hes going to therapy, and just started taking meds. however he seems to be getting worse and the last blow up he wound up throwing things around the house in front of our 2 yr old. I’m sure he wont be forever scarred but i will. and i dont want him to touch me, he thinks we should be having sex but im not at all attracted to him, im afraid of him, im disgusted by his behavior….i want my husband back, i want my life back, hes jealous and paranoid….i have no friends, no hobbies and even me spending time with the kids seems to make him upset….i cant possibly spend enough time with him to make him happy, yet he seems to despise me….im so tired, no one seems to get just how bad it is because hes mr. likeable with everyone but me…..i really cant take this anymore, i really want out but im afraid of uprooting the kids, and im afraid of what his reposnse will be. i cant believe this is my life.
I have read through all the posts on this page and it just broke my heart reading my life written by you. I am know where you are, I wish I knew what to do. I would have never thought I would have to go through something like this. I was strong, capible, self confident. Now I don’t know who I am. I can’t be an example to my daughter,my husbands depression has m so beat down and miserable I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I keep waiting for him to get better but 4 years into it still nothing. I am so sorry your here to
I have been married to the same man for 22 years. The first years were hard as my husband had his own business which consumed 110% of his time and it always came first in our relationship. My husband is a very outgoing person. He was always the life of the party and everyone would remember his name. Over the years he started to become disappointed with everything and nothing would ever measure up to his standards. Then, within months both his parents passed away. This was the icing on the cake. He has since sold his business and said that he wanted to take the time for his family since he didn’t before. Depression has taken a hard hold of him and each day it is a struggle to get out of bed. Some days it takes all morning just to get out of bed. When he is faced with a simple decision, he feels ill and has to go back to bed to feel better. I have had endless talks with him as he will confide in me with most things and I have tried to get him to try councelling or to go to our doctor but he insists that things will get better with time and he thinks certain events with make things change. I want him to work with me to get help but how long do I wait and when do I decide to take charge and do something regardless of what he thinks????
I revisited this article today, 2 days after my divorce from my depressed husband was finalized. I have been grieving the man he used to be, crying for the past 2 days. My story is so much like the others, married for 23 years with 10 wonderful years of a life with a man that I was crazy in love with. But 14 years followed those 10 happy years, 14 years of living with a person with tremendous anxiety and depression. 14 years of him electing minimum treatment or no treatment at all, lots of marital counseling, with him eventually going on disability. He never had any good cycles-always a continual, critical, anxious and angry demeanor. What my daughter and I never understood was that in a social situation, he was normal. He would be laughing and joking and the life of the party. But, as soon as he was alone with us, he started to criticize us. Normal noise constantly bothered him, we laughed too loud, talked too loud, the dog barked his happy bark (rarely) too loud, the door closed too loud, the ice coming out the frig was too loud, the silver ware was put in the drawer was too loud. Everything we did was wrong..the spoon was put on the counter, water dripped on the floor. Finally, when my daughter asked for us to divorce, I had to comply. My heart is sick that it came to this. I used to love this man with all my heart and I am grieving the times I remember when we laughed and did things together. But, the days of walking on eggshells for his family had to end and without him getting help, or admitting he had a problem for the last 14 years, I had to convince him to divorce. So, now it is done. I am afraid of a new life alone but it will be a life, at least, that is free of constant criticism. I hope that everyone of you find peace, hopefully by your loved one getting the help they need.
I am both comforted and disillusioned by all the comments here. It’s so nice to know that I am not alone, but disheartening to hear all the hard roads everyone has had to travel. My husband and I have been together for 11 years and have a 1.5 year old boy. Before the baby was born he had some occasional signs of depression and I always knew he had a crappy childhood, but we were happy for the most part. After my maternity leave I went back to work since I’m the breadwinner. He became a stay at home dad and works part time in the evenings. I know it’s a long schedule for him to be up from 7am with the baby and working until 11 at night, and I think that’s what triggered the depression. At first I thought it was a substance abuse problem, but now I see that he’s just self-medicating as others have said. His real problem is depression and he fully admits to it, but he won’t seek help or take medicine. I am going crazy because I’m a “fixer.” If I see a problem I want to tackle it and find a solution. He refuses to do anything and won’t even discuss the possibility of switching the baby to daycare and working full time, because he hates his job and he was abused by a babysitter when he was young. The thing is that he’s not a great father. (That’s something I would never EVER say to him. I am always encouraging him and telling him he’s doing well.) He doesn’t have the patience for a toddler and every day when I come home he is glaring at our son and complaining about him. I can’t stand it. I don’t want my son to have to live with a depressed father all day and learn his antisocial, temperamental behaviors. What do I do?? I want to be supportive and be a good wife, but I don’t want to live like this forever. I can’t always be the cheerleader. I need to be supported sometimes too.
My husband has been depressed for sometime now. I know it is his job that gets to him. He is a police officer and he works in a specialized unit and has to see lots of death and deal with family members that just lost loved ones. When he gets home, he sits around the house, looks at the computer, or watches TV. He doesn’t interact much with anyone in the family. My problem is I have told him several times he needs to get on medication, but he says he can not because if he does he will not be reliable for testimonies. Today he tells me he is not in love anymore and wants out (on my birthday). I know it is the depression that makes him feel that way and he doesn’t want to just throw his family away (two children as well). I just don’t know what to do anymore. I still love him and want to help him, but he just will not allow himself to be helped.
I also felt some relief that I wasn’t the only one going through this. My story is so similar to all that I’ve read, it’s scary. My husband has been suffering from depression since his teen years.We have been together for 16 years, married for 11. Things were great until after our first child was born. There was always something to complain about, and nothing was ever good enough. By the time our second child came, we were fighting alot. He was very hurtful when we fought, and said some very damaging things. I tried so many things to stop the fighting,and nothing seemed to help. I would walk away, then he would get mad. I would agree with everything he said, and he would get mad. I would even use hurtful words because sometimes I got tired of being hurt. I would explain that it hurt so much when he said unkind things to me, and it would stop for awhile, but two weeks later it would begin again. Supper wasn’t cooked at the right time, laundry wasn’t done right, I didn’t clean the house well enough,and on and on. I thought it was because he was so unhappy with his job and encouraged him to find one that he liked, or to go back to school. Even to join other activities that he once liked. We decided to move, and I thought that would help so much, but instead got worse. I decided I needed to do things to help me in my life, and in turn, make our lives better. Going out to an exercise class, and losing weight made me feel better, but made his behavior worse. I was a bad wife and a bad mother for going out all the time. It wasn’t until I started to talk to friends that I realized he may be depressed. I tried to talk to him about it, but said he was fine and he could deal with it on his own. He would come home and within 1o minutes, was yelling at the children and mad at me for silly little things. Our house was full of anger and tension, and everyone was miserable. I spend my days wondering if he’s going to be mad at something i did, or said, or if the children did something wrong he’s be mad at them. I am constantly walking on eggshells. He has become negative about everything in his life, and is so far from the man I married. He finally had a breakdown and I convinced him he needed to talk to someone to get help. I told him that his behavior couldn’t continue because it was affecting everyone around him. that was almost 2 years ago, and today is not much better.I asked for a seperation last month as I found I could no longer live with the constant negativity that he put out. He left but threatened to end his life, even going so far as to say good bye to our child who was at a sleepover. I was a nervous wreck, and a few hours later came home. We talked and he finally disclosed what may be the key to his depression, and I thought I had him convinced he was worth getting the help he needed. We talked about how I felt bitter and resentful for the way he has treated me, and he seemed willing to try to change.Then a few days later blamed my late father and things that happended with my family for my feelings toward him, and went so far as to accuse them of being alcoholics. He said he was opening my eyes because they were using me and how everyone else but me could see it.He told me I needed help just as much as him, if not more. I felt attacked and sad because it seemed he wanted me to end my relationship with my family. I cried myself to sleep that night, and woke up feeling even more helpless and alone than before. He has booked an appointment with a councellor, and I am requesting he see a phychiatrist to make sure his meds are what they should be. He has been on the same ones for 2 years, and has never had an inrease/decrease or even a different type. I am planning on joining a suppport group, and down the road a councellor myself. I have also told him that nothing will change until he takes care of himself, but I’m not entirely certain he understands that. He has swept everything under the carpet and acting like nothing has happened, and that scares me quite frankly. I am trying to hold on to see if these next steps will help. It will take many years of hard work, but nothing will change unless he wants it to. He says he wants us to be together, but doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge that he has any part to play in this. For the most part I blame depression, but at what point do I stop and start blaming him? There are many things I need to work on for myself and to help our situation, and I think that is all I can focus on at this point. I am hopeful that the man I married is down there somewhere, but unsure if I will see him again. I want him to be able to enjoy his life, and his family and I think he deserves it. I don’t know what the future will hold for our marriage, as the scars run deep. It may sound awful, but I take some comfort knowing I’m not the only one in the world going through this, because lately I feel that maybe it was my fault and that if I could only be more affectionate (which is his biggest concern) it would erase everything. I can only hope it will get better.
Its so comforting to hear that am not the only one going thru these issues. My husband and I have been married only a year, but have really had a tough one year, constantly fighting and just not understanding each other. We are from two very different cultures and hence all the adjustment problems. Of late I have noticed that he’s so easy irritated and as he is not much of a talker, I never know what he’s thinking or going thru. His job is very demanding (that’s he hates) and he’s been trying to further his education, but having so much problems with getting it sorted. I am 4mths pregnant and obviously very emotional about things. So watching him be so irritable, getting angry so quickly and being over sensitive has been really affecting me. Anyway today he finally opened up and told me that he’s been having suicidal thots and feels that everything in his life is just not working, mostly the marriage. He said he can’t stand to ttouch or have me touch him, he can’t stand to hear my voice and can’t even be in the same room with me as he feel caged when near me. This is extremely painful as when he’s in public he’s quite the charmer and always willing to please others. I am just so worried and don’t knw what to do as I spend most my time crying and I knw its nt good for the pregnancy especially since am high risk pregnancy. I want to help him so much , I want to be there for him and I love him very much. Just don’t know how to look after me and him at the same time. He has agreed to go for counselling but asks that I don’t push him. I just feel useless and don’t know what to do