I’ve learned in 12-step support groups that if you decide to share something important with a loved one, or try to mend a broken relationship, you should do so without any expectation of a response.
I wish I had followed that advice the day I sent a family member an incredibly personal piece that I wrote about my severe depression (suicidal thoughts and all), and the first moments of dawn, hoping that it would make us closer.
Her response was one word: “Thanks.”
I felt like Princess Leia in “Star Wars” when she cries out to Han Solo (before he leaves for some empire war): “I love you!” And he says back, “I know!”
But part of my disappointment was my own fault.
I sent the piece to her with an agenda. This is what I wanted to hear: “You’ve been through a lot. I’m so happy you’ve come through to the other side.”
And when I didn’t get that, I was upset. I assumed she “got it”–the whole depression thing. I see now that this involves two mistakes (actually just one really big one): an assumption. ALL assumptions are termites in a relationship, and ESPECIALLY with regard to depression. Most people just don’t get it. Period. And I should stop expecting them to.
My mom keeps teaching me that lesson. Over and over again. I just now hung up the phone with her. Her last words: “People don’t get it. Remember that. And you’ll be less disappointed.”
I was venting to her just like I did the afternoon, fresh out of the psych ward, when my friend Liz told me that she thought antidepressants suppressed a person’s emotions, insinuating that I’d do well to pitch the happy pills and tough it out like the rest of humanity.
“No one understands, Mom. You and Eric. That’s it. And a few friends. Everyone else thinks I’m weak for joining the droves of Americans on Prozac.”
“Who cares?” she asked. “Why do you need their approval?”
“Because I’m not weak and it’s unfair to be labeled that way,” I explained.
“I don’t think you’re weak. Eric doesn’t. And you have several friends who believe in you. If you don’t want to be constantly frustrated I suggest you lower your expectations. Assume that people won’t understand, and you’ll be less disappointed when they don’t.”
Just as seasoned parents say “Just you wait!” to the pregnant lady in front of them at the checkout line, a person can’t begin to appreciate the harrowing darkness of depression unless she’s been there.
William Styron wrote his memoir, “Darkness Visible,” as a response to the public’s reaction to the suicide of Primo Levi, the Italian-Jewish writer and chemist who had survived the Holocaust. The scholars who admired Levi wondered how he could have endured years of torture by the Nazis yet break under depression.
“The pain of severe depression is quite unimaginable to those who have not suffered it,” Styron wrote. “To the tragic legion who are compelled to destroy themselves there should be no more reproof attached than to the victims of terminal cancer.”
Like Styron, I was both enraged and saddened that friends and family were shocked to hear that two doctors sliced me open — before full anesthesia kicked in — to save little David’s life in an emergency C-section. Yet when I voiced the desperation of depression — which made the knife cut feel like a knee scratch — they often brushed it off, as if I were whining to win some undeserved sympathy votes.
But I should know better. Most people don’t get it. And the day I get that through my head I’ll be less disappointed.
41 comments
Your mother is a wise woman…I am writing down what she told you and I am going to try it out!
Well, Therese, we your friends of the PsychCentral on-line community DO get it, and you get our FULL SYMPATHY.
Moreover THANK YOU for your work on this site and you excellent articles and videos.
It does feel strange that some people don’t get it. I guess we need to accept that people only really understand what falls within their own range of experiences.
I do think that your point about being cut open before the anasthetic was working was merely like a scatch on the knee, gets the point across pretty graphically!
I admire you for being able to let your mom and husband in and for even trying to get other family members and friends to understand. That takes a lot of courage. My mom has absolutely no clue about depression, or that I’ve been dealing with it for years. She views it as a weakness within other people, and like your friend Liz, thinks people just need to be able to “tough it out.” I’ve never told her about it, and I probably never will. My fiance knows, but getting him to understand exactly what it is and how it’s manifested has been tough. He’s making progress though.
One can only feel pity for those who are not empathetic in nature, they are, indeed, the pompous among us. Thus, to all within our society far too self-absorbed to lend a sympathetic ear, and far too egotistical to accept an apology, I say this. Why not turn that critical eye inward first?
Therese,
I admire your courage, as well as writing ability. Different from many discussions on depression, your presentation is factual, understanding, empathic.
My experience has been that the pompous among us…rule. Unfortunately I’ve exhibited some of this not-too-pleasant human pomposity myself – in other areas; times I would rather forget than own. Humanity – positive AND negative, embraces us all.
If my purpose on earth is to learn lessons, I have acquired parts of a few precious ones…some understanding, empathy and emotional learning gathered from seemingly eons at a time in the belly of the black beast. We’ve all met him, if not some member of his family in our lives. Some visits with him ARE ‘toughable’. But for the rest of us, we must tough-out the reality and healing that ensues from correcting the chemical imbalances that chain us to this insidious dis-ease.
That said, empathy, understanding, compassion – some of the ‘depression lessons’ are prizes I have won from toughing-out depression/Bipolar II through my 60 plus years. These gifts, so hard to find in this journey, I hold close to my heart, treasure them for the deepened capacity I now have to embrace the natural world that surrounds me. Depression, for all it’s horror, is a profound teacher.
And for the times when the proverbial lights are out, or very low…remember the powerful, soothing and healing beauty of Nature around you.
And know in your heart that there are so many of us out here, who DO ‘get it’.
Thank you for sharing. Keep up your powerful and courageous work. Keep writing!
QueBe
Typical addict. Its always someone else’s fault. Go have another drink.
Thank you for your comments and observations. I, too, have struggled with the incredible pain of depression my whole life, and now I see it happening to my daughter. The worst part of it is having those people in your life who simply can’t understand, and/or don’t want to. I agree with your mother. You just can’t expect it. But it’s still difficult.
Having suffered from three major depressive episodes and come out the other side I know the living hell that it is but also know that until you have experienced it for yourself it’s VERY hard to understand what it’s like.
I don’t blame those who don’t understand – I probably wouldn’t either.
You’re mother’s right though – most people don’t get most things.
-Frank
Therese,
You are so brave to write this. I have had chronic treatment-resistant depression for many years. I was fortunate that my mother and my husband were understanding. My husband never experienced depression like mine, but he educated himself by going to websites on depression. I’m so grateful for that. Now, my depression is being successfully managed by a treatment I had to fight hard with my insurance company to obtain coverage on. It was so hard to manage the illness while trying to get them to understand my depression. You are fortunate to have your mother and brother to stick with you during the dark times.
I am very open about depression to try to educate people and bring down the stigma. Especially the “joining the droves of Americans on Prozac” stigma. I think being born deaf helped me to be brave in being open about my illness. I don’t expect everyone to understand. At least, I can start the seed of the process in learning to understand mental illness. I do voice out if I’m being discriminated but I do not let it control my life. Thank you for being open about this, Therese.
I have suffered from depression since I was eleven years old and I don’t think I’ve ever expected others to understand what it is like. How can they when they have never experienced it themselves? It’s like an evil presence that takes over body and mind. Only a fellow survivor knows what it feels like. There are typical ways though that depressed people tend to think, myself included- and that is believing you know what someone else is thinking by their response or comments. If someone just e-mails “thanks” it doesn’t mean that they didn’t appreciate what you wrote. It could mean that they were busy or that they just didn’t know what to say. As for me, I couldn’t give a crap what people think about me anymore, I only care about the ones who are closet to me and if they offend me they are going to get an earful. They take it because they love me.
I suffer from BiPolar depression. Sometimes the depression is a numbness and a slow down of all thinking processess. Other times though, it is the worst kind of pain imaginable. I sometimes have problems just going to the grocery store without sobbing uncontrollably. I also know what it’s like to not be understood, it’s very lonely.
I know that when I’m experiencing a mood swing (even the words “mood swing” are an insult because they sound so minor) that I just have to delay any impulse to act or say things to others because I may be behaving irrationally. I also have to delay any judgement that I might be thinking because it’s impossible for anyone to be walking in my shoes at the moment. Then when I feel better, it’s just easier to understand that others don’t understand me. When I feel better, it’s not so important anyway.
Thanks for sharing, I feel for you.
I wish the people that don’t understand could read this but then there wouldn’t be that expectation problem would there? I really appreciate your words and when I get that lesson of not having those expectations, I’ll be a much less depressed person.
thank you for writing about this; i felt much better; not so alone, i suffer a lot from trying to keep up with ‘normal’ people like social events and even my daily chores, am trying to get myself to accept completely that depression is not my fault, i didnt invite it, but i am saddled with it, and the heartache that comes with it, and i must travel the journey having depression entails without any self blame, with as less bitterness at my condition as possible, one day i hope, they will find a cure for this ‘living hell’ of a disease, till them may God take care of all of us
People just don’t get it! They think we just feel sad, and they are so so wrong. I’ve had this disease along side anxiety for some years now and whenever I feel I’m recovering I fall into the pit hole again. It makes me want to rip my heart out and I feel like I have so little control over my life.”You can’t possibly understand the pain unless you’ve felt it too.”
thank you for all of your courage,
to all of you xo
Wow, I think depression is so unbearable because of the loneliness from people not understanding how we feel. Well meaning friends just are not capable of understanding it, and there is such a stigma with mental illness, especially in America.
I have a friend who suffers from anxiety, whose parent has bipolar disorder and she still cannot discuss feelings. She tells me to snap out of it and learn to appreciate what I have in my life. I know she means well, but I’ve learned that she is not “safe” for my depression. I just can’t lean on her when times are hard. My friendship with her has been good for other things, but not for my depression.
Maybe she makes me feel depressed. Maybe she is projecting her insecurities on me. idk, maybe i just need new friends.
Yeah, they sit and tell you all the great things you have in your life, and it’s like, “Thanks for reminding me that I have lost the capacity to ejoy those things.” Or my favorite — when they refer to your deepest, suicidal episodes as if you were just trying to manipulate them in a play for sympathy. Or — my sister is good at ths — they act as if you’re doing it purely to annoy them.
Actually, I think the reason for the silence, is that they DO get it. They do get it, and the realize how little resources there are for help. It may represent their darkest fears, but people do understand and somehow we need to perhaps decide not to let people off the hook so easily while personally not expecting anything.
I have depression and I think people’s attitudes to it around me make it worse. How can you be scornful about that to someone? Why would you treat them condescendingly? People can just be like ‘meh, at least you have food and shelter’. I know this and that’s one of the things that is so hard, I know I’m luckier than lots of people but I hate my life and I cannot see much point in living. That is the point of depression – it is a mental illness – it is not logical. If it could just be switched off I would do that. I can’t believe how indifferent some people are.
Depression is very isolating so it is especially disheartening when my spouse “forgets” that I have depression. If I don’t cry or complain about being out of sorts he thinks I’m OK. He avoids having to deal with uncomfortable issues. And I feel that I am dealing with them all the time. Very unbalanced levels of stress. Should I get the word “depressed” tattooed on my forehead for a little TLC? Laughter and humour are great remedies when I feel better.
Even though I am only 17, I can relate. I’ve gone through depression for 3 (going on 4) years. It’s perpetually difficult trying to help them understand. And it’s frustrating. The more one explains, the more “unappreciative” and “ungrateful” one becomes to the great things that are around us. It’s isolating. The fact that I know I’m lucky enough to have a home and loved ones only makes me feel worse for feeling this way..
I think this just saved my life…
I am always amazed by the presumption that illness comes under different categories. It is extraordinary. Why is cancer deemed worse than depression? Both are severe illnesses and both can kill people. Your mum is a wise lady but I would add that you can never presume that people will treat you in the way you treat people. That is why the surprise text, letter, present is so lovely. Someone somewhere is thinking of you and perhaps you were not thinking of them. As you know though, it works both ways. A ‘thanks’ text is not what you would have done. Can your friend walk a mile in your shoes. No. She does not understand what you are going through. Can you walk a mile in hers? No, because she knows nothing of what you go through and deep down is soooo scared of your being ill. She is thinking of how she feels and not how you feel. She is unable to walk a mile in your shoes. Don’t be upset. Nod and smile. Just nod and smile. Big love to you.
I thank you for this article, its nice to know I’m not the only one. I also need to lower my expectations. My one wish though, I wish my parents would stop blaming me. Thank you for your wise words, and your subtle encouragement to others. It is appreciated and invaluable. Thank you.
The one good thing about Depression is that when you seriously consider suicide and talk yourself out of it, you have truly overcome the ultimate fear.
After I survived that episode, I felt invincible because really, what is more terrifying than death?
Depression made me weak. Depression also made me strong. Keep on fighting. You are not alone.
We had a saying in rehab,
“Expectations are pre-meditated resentments which will lead to relapse”
You may also be choosing the wrong forum in which to discuss your illness, perhaps talking to lay people about it will look like a “pity party”, support groups are great for venting frustration –
Being a recovering addict I fully understand people “not getting it” and addiction, like depression, is often viewed as a weakness and not as a disease.
Ok wow. Leia cries out to Han Solo “before he leaves for some empire war”? How about “before he was trapped in carbonite freeze”? This was actually an incredibly poignant part of a very seminal film in movie-making history. While I found your overall message fairly insightful, I do not think I can overlook this incredible lapse in movie accuracy.
I know. :#)
Hey, I think this article is great… I’m sick of having mental illness chats with people, who say things such as ‘you need to just change your mindset and try and help yourself’… I also hate the sniggers or patronising sympathy smiles that I get off anybody who i talk to about my depression. I am 17. I have general anxiety but got very ill nearly 5 years ago with reactive depression. I came off anti-depressants about 6 months ago.
But still I get the partonising looks of people and the attitudes: ‘you were sad’ ‘puberty’ ‘boyfriend trouble?’ and ‘you couldn’t be depressed at your age/it wasn’t REAL depression’. I think there are misconceptions about depression due to the inability of others to understand it. Without having had depression, I don’t think it is possible to fathom.
In a way, I think that means there will always be people who are very self-assured in their opinions but simple DON’t get it… and I don’t want to become bitter so I try to be happy for them. Their ignorance is bliss.
Some are luckier than others I guess. When I tried to tell my family about my chronic depression and waning interest in life, I was called a liar and told I was lying to get unwarranted attention and to shirk my responsibilities. My uncle and my grandmother faced me down several times tellling me I was consciously being difficult to make my moms life lousy. (Well, she is an alcoholic, her life is as lousy as it can get, isn’t it?)
But I agree, it’s terrible when you don’t feel you have your loved ones having your back. It’s like getting your heart and soul ripped out.
Thanks for sharing, and taking the chance to tell the truth about the disease. Indeed, your words sound a chord with what I know of “the terrible blackness”, as I can best describe it. Another visualization I give it is like a giant grounding-rod that pulls all of your energy, emotion…and hope, into a vacuum. It’s especially tough because I am a newer veteran, and did not understand what was happening to me; besides, its not masculine, tough, or American to admit that you’re ill, much less emotionally. And, like the author, I went to the person I thought would understand, my dad. When I attempted to articulate post-traumatic stress and subsequent depression, he told me to “stop feeling sorry for myself”. Now I know he’s not safe, and it hurt very badly.
Hopefully this lesson kicks in soon. Every time I so much as say the word ‘depression’ to my mom and dad, they brush it off and act as if a different, more positive mindset is all I need. And yeah, I’m disappointed every time, but I doubt the hope is going to go away anytime soon even though I know they’re not going to understand.
First off,Thank-You for drawing attention to this very horrible syndrom that I also must burden on a day to day basis.I feel the lonesomeness of this when Im around anyone.People will say “Why dont you just do this,Or why dont you do that?”as if Severe Depression is just something that can be shrugged off.I feel by myself and out of place every single day.So,Im just saying that I also carry this burden.I have been seeking help though.I do wish ALL on here the best too.Thanks,
I guess I am one of the people who don’t get, but honestly, I wish I can get it because way too many of my friends and loved ones being devoured by this thing called depression.
Matter of fact I had never heard of the words depression, pi-polar etc until I moved to USA in 2002.
See, I’m African and I guess we are just used to focusing on when and how we are gonna be able to provide the next meal for our family that we almost never had time to think too much about other stuff around us.
So for me, it’s been confusing since then. I have read a lot about it and even talked to over 15 friends of my who are either Therapists or studying Psychology to help people deal with depression, but I still don’t get it. Most of their explanations didn’t make any sense to me.
I really wanna get it though, so I can be there for my friends and to be able to understand what they are going through.
This site is the best thing I have found in over 2 years. Depression caused me to lose my job, my house and a lot of “friends”. Even my closest friends and family have criticized me for not pulling myself together. I have always been hard-working and responsible. It blows my mind they can see the difference and realize something within me changed. These stories have inspired and enlightened me. While it breaks my heart to know other people go through the same thing, it does make it easier knowing I’m not the only one. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I loved what you had to say, most people don’t get it. They don’t get it because they have either never had it or care about it. For the most part people care about themselves first and can’t be bothered with what they feel or talking about their feelings on any issue. Human beings that are real, that are honest, I would rather have them in my court any day of the week. I think you are the rare being, it takes courage to expose yourself and to understand that they don’t get it and they never will. Change takes a lot of effort, change takes courage, change is walking alone till you find one other person walking alone in your direction. It’s your path to find who you are and what your gifts are and to use those gifts to make a change. One small change is still change. You are a gift no one walks on this earth exactly like you walk. Be proud of who you are and the insight you have gained on the road to find out. Hope this helps. I am you. Take Care
The quintessential metaphor is about someone who has never been a dark room talking with someone who is. They simply cannot understand the person in the dark room trying to explain what it is like, especially when there are no lights to turn on.
Your depression to us means – Compromise Happiness
I don’t hate depressed people. Depression is a mental condition which affects not only the person but everyone around them. Many comments state its biological and sometimes unknown cause however, in every story there is always something that triggered it and only the closest to the depressed know the truth of what initiated it. The depressed are in denial and will never admit since at this point they are just crazy, sad or whatever emotional state they want to call themselves. I understand it’s a condition however it’s the worse of them all because you can’t even smile around them. My brother is depressed and he isolates to the point that he disappears for days. No clue where, with who or when he will come back and he doesn’t respond to calls etc. I sometimes feel like I want to report him missing or just go find him and tie him down to a tree and force feed him. He doesn’t want to talk, won’t listen, he knows it all and lately it’s taking a toll on my life, he is my only sibling. I’ve never had depression and I had never experienced it with anyone before. It’s the worst thing ever to be on the other side; I might as well be the depressed!!! I lose sleep, I worry often, I stress and now I’m going out of my way to drive 30mins to where he lives and find out where he goes and what is he getting himself in to. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!! God forgive me, but is my purpose to drop it all and babysit my 30year old brother? I have goals, I’m in school, I just got engaged and I want to build my life. He set himself up for this depression, didn’t finish high school, has 3 kids with 3 different women, married a gold-digger who left him after she got fake boobs, and got in to a horrible drunk driving accident that almost killed him and then got fired from his great paying benefits included job. WTH!!! Anything else…maybe you should have your family talk about your stupid decision before the depression and get over it! I feel I have the obligation to help him some way but I just want to CAGE him…literally like a Bird and cut off his wings…ok at the end of this breakdown I changed my mind I HATE DEPRESSED PEOPLE!!! They are just idiots who made bad decisions and then can’t pull the weight of their mistake.
I have been looking for someone who gets it, and I am at my wits end. I have recently lost everything in my entire life when my three oldest daughters were bezarly led by their father to despise me, leaving me without the only reason I had kept going all these years when he viciously severed our relationship through lies and family court to which I am still in shock of. It’s been two years, my remaining 6 year old daughter and I grieving their loss, I had to obtain an identity which for 15 years had been mother of my beautiful girls…the saulice I found after leaving my then husband who just didn’t make sense anymore was that I fell massively head over heals in love with a man that appeared to be that fairy tale ending I had always regarded as just that, mythical and a made-up story. I couldn’t believe my new found confidence and zest for life, he tore down the walls that I built painstakingly after my kids dad left me while in Iraq for another soldier whom he had impregnated, siting that caring for our 3 toddlers was not work and I refused to pull my own wait…Yada yada. LONG story short…I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression, but when I say everything changed and I lost everything it is no exageration. I now find myself surrounded by people who tell me not to think that way, to stay positive, and that have scolded me like a child for mentioning death wishes, calling me selfish,angrily I might add, as if those words will awaken me from this sadness and mind-over-matter can magically solve my problems. I am continuously beaten down by those thinking that being unsupported is a non-issue, and I have walked away from my home, my job, my family and friends to be with a man that I believed was going to tie my whole life together to where it made sense to reach him. That I had to go through these things. He looks at me like he is disgusted by my anguish. He literally tells me I am not permitted to speak or he walks away. And I have no one. Nothing. The dashed dreams of Prince Charming, and the hopes that he will one day love my heart enough to not want to hurt it…Can I get a little understanding? It would mean sooooo much to me right now, you don’t even know. I am so alone…my daughter is too little to confide in, and the ONLY reason I am breathing right now.