I’m annoyed by infidelity.
What’s gotten me so annoyed to write about it are radio advertisements I hear for a website that encourages people to cheat on their spouse or significant other, acting as though it were a common or even normal experience.
Infidelity — or cheating, as people often refer to it — is neither common nor normal. If you’ve come to the fork in the road where you’ve cheated or are considering cheating on your partner, it’s time to acknowledge another reality — your primary romantic relationship is in trouble. Serious trouble.
You can go down the easy road and cheat — because, after all, somewhere between 10 and 20 percent of people in relationships do. Or you can acknowledge something is going on with your relationship and work to fix it. Cheating is never a sign of a healthy relationship after all.
And if you can’t fix it, you’ll do the honorable thing — leave the relationship first. Before cheating.
Why People Cheat
In our entry two years ago about the possible reasons why Tiger Woods may have cheated, we noted the things that typically precede cheating:
- Significant, ongoing, unresolved problems in the primary, long-term relationship or marriage
- A significant difference in sex drive between the two partners
- The older the primary relationship
- A greater difference in personality than perhaps the partners realize
- And to a far lesser extent, perhaps some theoretical, evolutionary remnants that may have reinforced multiple partners over monogamy (although this is just a hypothetical argument that would be difficult to disprove)
Regardless of the reason why a person may turn to infidelity, the reality is that it’s the expression of an underlying issue in that person’s life and/or relationship. And while cheating fixes that problem short-term, it’s just that — a shallow, short-term fix.
Cheating, as people soon discover, is complicated. Even if no emotions are involved in the illicit affair, keeping the stories and lies straight, and ensuring uncomfortable questions don’t arise becomes a quickly complex dance. That’s why most affairs don’t remain a secret — it’s just too hard.
Remember, if cheating was normal or okay, there’d be no need for the secrecy. In fact, the secrecy is a part of what makes an affair so sexually attractive in the first place. But secrecy has no place in a long-term, committed relationship.
What Cheating Means About Your Relationship
Contrary to what these cheating websites would have you believe, cheating is not a sign of a normal, healthy long-term relationship. It is a sign that something is seriously wrong. People who cheat have basically lost all hope for their relationship, and all respect for their partner.
Infidelity — whether real or contemplated (outside of the random fantasy you’d never act upon) — suggests your relationship is in trouble. You can, of course, deny that and say you just need some variety in your sexual life. But if that’s the kind of person you are, you simply shouldn’t be in any long-term, monogamous relationship. Folks like George Clooney have seemingly figured this out for themselves; you should too.
Because it’s only fair. An affair means you have little respect for your partner — so little, in fact, that you’re happy to be indiscreet with someone else without your partner’s knowledge. If you have so little respect for another human being, why are you in a long-term relationship with them?
Oh, “the children.” Well, sorry to break it to you, but the children would be better off without two parents who are living a lie. All that teaches children is that you have to remain in an unhappy relationship even when you don’t want to.
If it’s for another reason, it must be a doozie. The rationalizations and justifications you must use to justify an affair must be very special indeed.
We’re on this Earth for a very short time. How we treat others is a reflection on ourselves. If we treat others — others that we proclaim that we love in one breath — in a way that is disrespectful and disregards their own feelings, well, that says a lot about a person’s character.
Cheating Should be Avoided
I’m not the morality police, so ultimately, it’s your choice. All I’m suggesting is that if you’re considering cheating, or if you’ve already cheated, it’s time to come clean. To yourself… To your partner. Are you in this relationship for the right reasons? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life (with lies and secrecy)? Yes, I understand cheating can be “hot.” But is that temporary sexual release worth your integrity, your honor, and your word?
If your relationship needs some attention or help — get help! Go to a couple’s counselor or a marriage therapist (it’s really inexpensive compared to the costs of infidelity and a divorce) and work — openly and honestly — toward a positive resolution.
I find long-term relationships most often lose that “spark” that marked the beginning of their relationship because the couple has grown apart emotionally. The good news is that you can learn to grow together again. All it takes is a commitment and willingness on both people’s parts.
If you’re not willing to do that, do the right thing — break up with your partner. Don’t disrespect them by cheating on them.
44 comments
I absolutely agree with your stance that cheating is not ok and definitely a sign that something is wrong in the relationship. What I don’t understand is where you’ve been hearing people say otherwise – that cheating is normal or ok?
Thank you, thank you, thank you. As a woman who faced the nightmare of infidelity in the past, and whose friends all thought I made too big a deal of him sleeping with a teen…
I now have a wonderful relationship with a good man that shares the same view you do about infidelity. You don’t have to be religious to share this view.
Religion has nothing to do with infedelity… My ex is more religious than I often talking about how unforgivable cheating is. Guess who cheated, and then wants to be absolved and continue in a relationship. She is a work of art.
As much as I fear being alone, and as much as I want to have an intimate relationship cheating is a deal breaker. I hope to never live through that nightmare again.
@Amazonmom- I am glad that you found a wonderful relationship with a good Man. I hope to find a good woman to have a wonderful relationship with.
I too experienced a partner who cheated. It was devestating. I agree there is no excuse and it is not normal. This has happened to me twice. It has made me really question if try to meet anyone else.I want to even
One bad apple doesn’t ruin the whole bunch. I married, divorced and got back together with my cheater. He cheated on me from the beginning and although I just learned about the extent and depth of his deception and it is quite painful, I want to heal and be open to receiving and giving love in a new relationship. One door must close for a new one to open. Finally, I am there. You are better off even though it isn’t easy. Hang in there.
I agree with the article whole heartedly but would add an additional reason for cheating. There is a culture among some careers where over the top behavior is considered “normal” and sadly respected. I struggled with my decision to stay and work on the marriage. Do I tell my children that life is hard and you can’t just quit when it gets hard? Do I demonstrate to my children that we shouldn’t let anyone disrespect us and leave? I don’t think I would have made the same decision now that my children are grown. I used EMDR with a certified therapist and it helped tremendously to alleviate the excruciating pain that was festering. It didn’t make me forget it happened and I can still feel flashes of anger when triggered but it doesn’t last and at least the pain is gone. I survived.
This is the rantings of someone who has been on the sore end of infidelity. You failed to list the primary reason that people may cheat…and that is to feel alive through the adventure of knowing another intimately. It usually has very little to do with sex itself. Yes, infidelity is painful for everyone involved, but this article feels like it was written by a child with little understanding of life and it’s complexities. Talk to me in 20 years.
I agree entirely. this was not a work of research and science but one of opinion. It helps very little with actual understanding of the mind and why it draws a person to cheat. telling a person what they did was wrong, stupid and disrespectful is like slapping a child on the wrist for stealing, but not explaining that it’s taking something from someone else and that there are other ways to get what you want. same thing here: explain why it actually happens so people who are prone to it know what to look out for and are able to pinprint in their minds the process that leads to it.
thats all.
There’s plenty in this article that one could use to point the finger at one’s spouse as the problem (or the excuse for infidelity)… But what does your infidelity say about YOU?
I believe that cheating on your spouse is cowardly and selfish. It’s all about the cheater and very little concern for the damage the affair will cause for years to come. It has nothing to do with being alive or finding true happiness. If that were the case cheaters should end their current relation and then be free to have as many intimate encounters as their little heart desires (hopefully not with another married individual).
It might be common for folks to have an affair but that doesn’t make it right.
Thanks for hitting a home run with this posting.
“Infidelity — or cheating, as people often refer to it — is neither common nor normal.”
Pretty much any study on the subject in the United States would refute this assertion.
Yes, just read articles on cheaters at AskMen.com. According to those articles, men are incapable of thought higher than their penises and everyone is doing it. But that it doesn’t make it right for me and the reason that it appears that there are so many who are unfaithful is that those individuals are the ones responding to the survey, non-cheaters don’t have to gloat about their disgusting behavior.
Well, here’s a few studies that refute your assertion (and it would be great if you could include some citations next time) —
Whisman (2007) – 6.13% prevalence rate in a survey of 4,884 married women
Whisman, Gordon & Chatav (2007) – 2.3% prevalence rate in a survey of 2,291 married people (both men and women)
Blow & Hartnett (2005) –
The upshot? A minority of married people are having affairs. If we categorize any behavior as more people than not are doing it — making it common — then this would not fulfill such a definition. What “normal” is is of course up for debate, but in my sphere, infidelity is not “normal.” It is a clear sign and symptom of a problematic relationship.
Couple of points here – why do you trust the statistics these studies are based on?
2nd, what sort of science makes value judgments? It does seem to me that you are talking like a preacher presenting himself as a scientist.
Personally, I suspect that there is no formula that applies generally. If you were to run down to the nearest family court and listen for a while, you might agree.
What do you mean, why do I trust the statistics the studies are based upon? Because I reviewed them, they looked sound, and they were published in peer-reviewed journals (not by some random website as a “survey”).
If you don’t think scientists have biases — biases that creep into their research, hypotheses and data — you probably haven’t spent a lot of time with scientists. Because, after all, they’re human. They have opinions. I blog about my opinions. If you confused my blog with the journal, “Science,” I apologize.
There is a formula that applies generally — consider self-respect for yourself and respect and general decency for your partner. (Because if a relationship isn’t minimally about mutual respect and enjoyment with one another, I don’t know why you’re in it.) While certainly some relationships can thrive in an alternative manner, that wouldn’t be the norm.
According to statistics compiled by the National Opinion Research Center (NORC) at the University of Chicago for the General Social Survey, a slight decrease in infidelity was reported as of September 2010.
“For those who are married currently in the 2000s, 16% of men and 10% of women said they had an affair while married. In the previous decade, 16% of men and 11% of women said they’d cheated. The number of women who said that infidelity was “always wrong†increased to 84% in the 2000s, up from 73% in the 1970s. Some 78% of men in the 2000s said infidelity was wrong, compared with 63% in the 1970s.”
I cheated with an unmarried man who claimed to be in a “committed” long-distance relationship. Indeed he is; they talk 3-4 times/day and take vacations together. But dispite us sleeping together for nearly 2 years, she never knew. My thought is that she suspected but just chose to look the other way. Many women will do this because they don’t want to be alone. Sad state of affairs for middle-aged women. There are so few guys to date that we basically have to share.
@Jean, you’ve clearly looked at your inexcusable behavior through rose colored glasses. If you are interested in merely dating why not join a group or site for singles rather than “date” a dishonest, disrespectful person? What does that say about your self respect? It tells those on the outside of your situation that you sorely lack any. Do women or men truly believe another person when they are told things such as, “We still live together because I’m worried for their mental or physical well-being” or “We are together for our kids” or even “I’m moving out as soon as my family recovers from the death of a family member”? If you are willing to believe bs like that I have some things I’d love the opportunity to sell to you!
I have even less compassion for men or women that look to a married person for an actual relationship! If the single person is a parent it makes it even worse! Protect your chidren from anyone that is willing to harm those they claim to love. I recently heard of a close family friend dealing with a cheating spouse that used some of the excuses I listed above. The woman he had an affair with has a four year old she brought the man around. The man had been living in the home of his father in law with his wife & their children for a couple of years. This woman believed he was still married because of his kids & that he wasn’t having sex with his wife for at least 6 months. He said the wife asked for a divorce but wanted him to wait to move out until the kids recoovered from losing their grandparent. According to the wife they still maintained an active, experimental sex life when it began. They were making plans for the future and looking for a house. Now that it is no longer a secret my friend wants a divorce he wants to work on the marriage and stay together. Those that cheat rarely leave their spouses & the children will always end up the victims in this type of situation!
Parents need to wake up! If a man or woman will treat their own children this poorly, how much worse will they treat your children?
Hello There Mr. Grohol:
I have a question for you: In the ‘peer reviewed’ articles that you cite above to reinforce your silly world-view; Were the respondents truly representative of the human race, that is to say that the survey results reflect all of the peoples and cultures of this world we live in, or was the survey only given to WASPs who were raised with our narrow western mind-set? Why don’t you go up north & give these surveys to the tribal people you find there? I bet you’d find your statistics reversed with 75% of people ‘cheating’ – so in those cultures & various others throughout the world having multiple partners is normal. I thought a scientific study was supposed reveal some truth about all human beings, not just about our fellow westerners.
People feel hurt when they’ve been ‘cheated on’ because they’ve been taught to feel that way. Your talk about ‘honor’ proves my point. And by the way, where is the honor in ditching your children simply to pursue the lie of serial monogamy?
The thing I love most about you and people of your ilk, Mr. Grohol, is that your solution for the rest of us is that we should hire you people to council us in improving our forced and unnatural relations. In effect, you & your type are charging us (a little less than a divorce, according to your own words) to try to teach us how to force a square peg into a round hole. I love the way you dispense advice that leads people to waste their money on counseling in an endless money-making cycle for you & your creepy cohorts. You’re like a bad dentist who makes his fortune by repairing and damaging his patients’ teeth at the same time, thereby insuring a steady income for himself forever.
Anyone who cares to read beyond the narrow realm of psychology and counseling journals and into anthropology and primatology knows that the idea that human beings are monogamous is a lie. The real ‘cheaters’ are people like Mr. Grohol, who make their living by counseling and trying to convince people otherwise, and even worse, callously try to convince us to hurt other people by making the honorable (false) choice our kids & those we love for some ‘new flame’. That’s truly disgusting, Mr. Grohol!
P.S. John, you conceded earlier in your blog that some people my ‘cheat’ due to an evolutionary bent to behave in this manner. It looks to me as though you’re conceding to a crack in your philosophy about relationships. Why bother trying to debunk something unless you feel in your heart that there’s truth in that opposing point of view? The reality of our world is that that short paragraph contains the entire truth about human relations and the rest of your article is the lie that should be debunked!
a_million_bc… There’s a simple solution to your concerns — don’t get married. Monogamy, I admit, is not for everyone, so why force it on yourself if it’s not a good fit?
I have no problem with people who have alternative relationships, open relationships, even an open marriage. As long as it’s a mutual agreement between you and your partner, I’m all for it.
But if you’ve voluntarily entered into a monogamous relationship and can’t keep up your end of the bargain, you should consider the health of the relationship and whether it’s something you truly want to continue. Cheating is just such a sign that perhaps the relationship isn’t as healthy as it could or should be.
As for the comment about peer-reviewed research, most such research is not meant to be a commentary or conclusion for all humankind (with all of its wonderful and beautiful diversity). It is indeed biased toward Western culture and civilization and anytime you read ANYTHING on virtually any psychology blog online today, you should understand the results are meant to apply to such Western cultures only.
I’ve been thinking about infidelity. I read this and realized it is just short term satisfaction or avoidance of the real problem. Thank you for causing me to think twice and to tackle the real issues I am having.
What advice can you give for those who were the ones cheated on? My now, ex-partner of 3 years whom I lived with was the one who broke up with me 4 weeks ago because he admitted that he had feelings for his Manager, whose is 28. He’s 30. She was married at 18, currently going through divorce proceedings and having an intimate relationship with someone else in the office already. Now my ex-fiancé, despite him knowing her situation and as he told me is drawn to her sexiness, intelligence and everything that he dislikes about me, she does not harbour on top of the fact that she could support and understand his career progression better than I could support him. It hurts immensely, as he’d slept with her 2 days before he did the deed and broke up with me, citing that he now had a reason to end our relationship. Later, he said to me that for 6 months at his new contract role he started in December last year, (which ends late September 2011) he had ‘admired’ and looked up to her… Isn’t that being emotionally unfaithful, and is considered cheating albeit not physical yet? This has all come in a time when he bought me an engagement ring in March this year, constantly affirmed to our friends and his parents that I was his lifelong partner he wanted to marry, shared his commitment with me, asked me to take time off this October so he could propose to me on our trip away, organised for a mortgage broker to talk with us on buying a home and raised the issue of us merging our finances. Has he been living a lie all this time or was he confused himself? I have given him constantly support, encouragement, understanding and true love over the years we’ve lived together and shared our lives and I feel so gutted that he could treat me so roughly and be so brusque with his words and actions to me. I know my happiness is my own responsibility, but I can’t help but feel so deeply saddened, crushed and gutted at this whole situation I find myself unwittingly and un-precedently dragged into. When the truth came out, all my dreams was ultimately crushed… I feel I cannot trust men, as I had committed myself so deeply to him through my heart and soul, in words and concrete action; to a man who I believed at that time truly loved me. I’m 27 years old and I can’t see myself with anyone else at the moment as the thought of another relationship is just too painful for me. Do men that cheat ever find happiness in a relationship or is that a subsistent cycle that continues right throughout their lives?
Horrible. Some people are so scared of commitment they don’t care who they trample when they run.
What is your opinion on a person who is with a healthy partner after having ended a relationship with a cheating spouse…but after some time this person then goes back to their ex-spouse, cheating with them on their current partner. Claims that ex-spouse has changed, etc are made; partner is devastated and makes attempts to sever ties. BUT, the cheater then begins making extreme statements as a way to manipulate and attempt at keeping partner in their life…yet goes on to remarry ex-spouse. Manipulation goes so far as to accept financial help from former partner while now married, all of which is unknown to spouse. In a nutshell, they are wanting their cake and eating it, too. And to note, the cheater is a female, had been in a serious 2-year relationship with another woman, but went back to ex-husband while keeping other woman close. Ex-husband had also been a cheater, emotionally abusive, etc.
Keeping an affair free marriage requires a strong character. I think its best if the people who enters marriage to respect their vows and their relationship. They should focus on loving each other and resist temptation that would break your relationship. I also think that we should tell our partner about the temptation if it arises(though it requires lots of courage) and deal about it. The other partner should also cooperate in finding a solution, after all we are only human. Two heads are better than one. Left to deal temptation alone, a single partner might not have strength, but temptation can’t sway him/her if they had the lend strength of its partner.
Bill Nguyen has some valid points here. You do present as a preacher, one who is biased towards monogamy and matrimony. Men are not naturally monogamous. Their evolutionary strategy relies on multiple partners. Even scientists and therapists make an attempt to remain objective. You appear to have abandoned that entirely.
You are also wrong about kids being better off with divorced parents. Emotional trauma and early onset puberty are only a few of the issues that come with divorce.
You also note that divorce is costly. That in itself is a reason for infidelity — getting out of a marraige gone sour is ruinous in so many ways, that it is easier and cheaper to engage in extramarital sex. I’m not convinced that disclosure of extramarital sex is as automatic as you suggest, and I won’t even begin to address your concepts of “decency.”
http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/
I am married to the “perfect” husband, except for one thing; after about a year and a half into our 16 year marriage, he stopped having sex. We have an extremely affectionate relationship and get along beautifully. My husband tells me I am the love of his life and frequently expresses how grateful he is to have a partner as wonderful, sexy, beautiful, smart, talented, blah, blah, blah as I am. I feel incredibly lucky to have him as my friend and partner, because in every way other than sexual, I am completely satisfied with my relationship.
I have three choices: leave the person I love if I want a sexual relationship, which would break both of our hearts, adapt to a sexless marriage, or look for sex elsewhere. You see, the infidelity issue is not as black and white as you frame it.
I was just thinking that myself after reading all of the comments. I’ve been married 25 years…..our sex life took a bad turn about 18 years ago during infertility treatments. it’s never been the same. I stopped having sex with him (mostly because we just adopted our daughter and I was exhausted ), but also, I lost my attraction to him……about 6 years ago I brought the subject up and thought we should try again. Nothing for 4 more years……I brought it up again……we tried scheduled sex….blew up in our faces……I moved out of the bedroom last year……Not sure what I’m going to do, but would have thought many many many times about an extra marital affair……..
Speak up and find out why it stopped. Matbe it is fixable.
Emotionally infused topic for sure!! Trigger for me. However emotionally exhausted I have become, reading the comments, I did want to share my experienceS with this subject in an 18 yr marriage. Why oh why couldn’t I have known then what I know now? (sigh) Big red flags before we even said “I do”. We both are responsible for infidelity. We both are responsible for looking the other way when red flags flew up. I wonder if some are simply not meant for marriage. But, it’s in all the magazines, right?
My marriage of 18 yrs has been over, over and over again. 3 seperations, one due to infidelity. THAT separation was one whole year, with NO communication what so ever. The affair was over in a flash of sanity, or moment of clarity. Looking back, it certainly took two for all of it. The good and the bad. Blaming just simply is a waste of time if you ask me. Looking deep within however is time well spent for me and being oh so very human, well, that’s okay with me. My parents made HUGE mistakes, I made HUGE mistakes, my children have made HUGE mistakes…it’s what makes family gatherings interesting, to say the least. I have a family member who is Tiger Woods, and he went to the same treatment facility. He’s no different than the alcoholics or over eaters in the family. It’s just that moral issue is so prevalent in this subject. I wish you all wellness in all ways. I wish it for myself also. Namaste.
Thank you for this article. I’ve been married for more than 25 years. Both my spouse and I married with the mutual belief in marital fidelity. I associate marital infidelity with domestic violence. My father would cheat on my mother, return home and beat my mother and me. I hated my father and I hated his girlfriends. I only got closer to my mother, who was a faithful, loving and a forgiving woman.
I vowed that I would marry a faithful spouse, and I did.
I also agree that purposeful cheating is a show of disrespect for the other.
Spouse and I have been faithful to one another since the day we first courted. I’d marry my partner again.
Those who know me say I am super rational, logical, and not prone to histrionics. But being cheated on feels like rape. No matter how I try to reframe it. No matter how much I know that it has nothing to do with me–that it is about 2 other people who were desperately unhappy with themselves and decided to soothe their unhappiness with the rush of a secret and selfish relationship. No matter how much my spouse understands that what he thought the affair was about, was just a fantasy. It still feels like rape.
Cheating is a violation of others and yourself. In the end, the cheaters and their partners almost always wake up from the fantasy to see the devastation left in their wake and see each other for the effed up individuals whose lives are a walking train wreck.
The lucky folks are those who are willing to learn that they can make it through the devastation and even thrive. The really lucky ones are where the partners learn their lesson and they work to heal the marraige in one that is better than before. But for most, it takes years for betrayed spouses to regain a sense of normal footing in the world. It causes immense suffering to many around you.
Figure out the source of your unhappiness or your true wants and desires before you devastate others. No one deserves that.
There is a lot of judgmental language about this, including the pejorative terms “cheater” and “adulterer”. Having ended up in this situation myself, because of a huge libido-mismatch in my marriage and a real inability to discuss or address it, I found myself losing all will to resist temptation any longer. This is easy to dismiss as morally weak, or reprehensible, and I have judged others in this way in the past, but when you wake up one (every) morning with the self-accusation “cheater!” in your head, it’s really no joke. Yet why am I the bad guy, when my wife wouldn’t even discuss the matter for over 15 years, just dismissing my point of view as unreasonable? So when I finally gave in, I’m the one that gets labelled, villified, and judged as in the wrong.
All that judgment makes we wonder whether I should go back and try again… at least then I’d be the guy that decided to try to work out his problems and try, try, try again… but the thought of staring at that bedroom ceiling again night after night, for months on end, well, it just…
Tying marriage and sex together doesn’t necessarily work. Marriage is a sort of room-mate situation in that 2 unrelated adults share a home, mesh their lives and expect to be fulfilled by the other, all while raising kids and trying to continue growing up themselves. That’s a big order to put on a single human being — another human being’s happiness.
Sex is so much its own thing. Maintaining attraction can be tricky. I might love my husband for a lot of things but if he gets fat and lazy and farts in front of me and basically takes me for granted, where is the romance in that?
Our lives in the US can get very complicated. Expecting one other person to ‘do it all’ for us is unrealistic. We put too much symbolism onto marriage and it just can’t handle it. It’s a weak institution and getting weaker all the time. Divorce proves that over and over.
Also — I think when people are ‘devastated’ by their partner’s infidelity it’s their ego that’s hurt. As the blog author states — infidelity is a sign of a bad marriage. Both partners know it’s bad, whether one wants to play innocent ‘victim’ or not. And if that ‘victim’ isn’t interested in sex, why should that obligate the other partner? Lincoln freed the slaves, remember?
So why the ‘devastation’ when sex is involved? Because of our puritanical notions that sex for its own sake is ‘sin.’ And because women want to own their husband’s income and they don’t want him spending that money on ‘the other woman’ altho it’s really spent on himself.
We only have one life. I’m not going to waste any more of my life worrying about other people’s facile opinions of good/bad. Live your own life and stop playing God, ie stop judging others and we won’t judge you either.
Kali hit a home run IMO. I’ve been married for almost 15 years. Since marriage, my wife has put on over 100 lbs. I know we all age over time, but for me the $64,000 question is, “should a mate have any type of desire or obligation to try and stay attractive to their partner”?
Maybe I am shallow, but if I met my wife now, I wouldn’t be interested. I tried discussing this a few years ago by holding her hand and simply saying, “I miss the girl I used to know.” All I got in response were excuses. I’m 48 and have been told I look the same as I did 20 years ago.
Sex stinks for me, as I just want to end it as quickly as it begins. We are now technically in a sexless marriage, as that occurs less than 10 times a year. I’ve thought seriously about having an affair, which is getting harder for me to abstain from day by day…….
I just see so many excuses here for what the Dr. Is saying.
All of you have the option to not cheat.
In the cases where your spouse won’t put out and you claim to not be able to leave for what ever reason, you can clearly express your needs to the other person without deception. But you refuse to be brave enough to do so.
If you want to be brutally honest, just tell her the weight has become a problem for you, her, and the relationship, and if things don’t change, you need to call it quits. Morally, that’s a higher road than cheating.
Kali, You say that once you grow tired and bored with your dull marriage it’s OK to get some on the side? I think you are asking too much of your spouse to keep you forever entertained-or else! Why the vows? Why get married in the first place? The institution of marriage has grown weak from the growing culture of instant gratification, culture of blame and excuses, narcissism and entitlement. An institution of commitment, vows, truth, faithfulness and unconditional love isn’t for everyone. That’s why there alternative lifestyles for those who want nothing more than NSA sex.
“Also — I think when people are ‘devastated’ by their partner’s infidelity it’s their ego that’s hurt. As the blog author states — infidelity is a sign of a bad marriage. Both partners know it’s bad, whether one wants to play innocent ‘victim’ or not. And if that ‘victim’ isn’t interested in sex, why should that obligate the other partner? Lincoln freed the slaves, remember?”
No, just no. Infidelity has nothing to do with the ‘bad’ marriage. It has to do with the ethical treatment of someone you’ve made a promise to. Infidelity is all about control and lies and manipulation. The hurt party is often much more hurt by the lies and manipulation the cheater has used to maintain the secret than by the physical act of sex involved or emotional attachment involved.
It’s not always the case the BOTH parties know something is amiss in the marriage. Poor communication and lies by just one person can mislead the other into a false reality.
Imagine:
You enter into a marriage full of excitement for the rest of your life. You treat your partner with respect, love, and honesty. You enter into raising a family together. You maintain attraction to them and try to keep their attraction to you. One day you find they met someone at work or elsewhere and find the attention exciting, justify to themselves that they are entitled to ‘more’ that what they perceive you provide, and start having sex with them. They do this in your home, in your bed, in your car, and then keep being intimate with you. They tell you daily how much they love you — sometimes texting it to you mere minutes before they have sex with the other person. You find all of this out and when you’re sitting in the doctor’s office waiting to be STD tested, you’re ‘puritanical’ for being upset about this situation? You think they did this — the lies, inviting them to screw in your bed and car, gaslighting — because of the RELATIONSHIP? Are you kidding me? They did this because SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THEM. PERIOD.
The point is… No matter WHAT you’re feeling about your relationship, you have tons of other options. You do not have to emotionally abuse your spouse and put them at physical risk to get that resolved.
STOP BLAMING THE RELATIONSHIP OR THE FAITHFUL SPOUSE AND SHINE THAT LIGHT WHERE IT REALLY BELONGS.
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I passionately wrote this FOR WOMEN ONLY (ideally) who suspect their husband of cheating…
I HAD concluded after almost a month of my summer vacation spent snooping, analyzing bills/statements, hacking (got really good BTW,) over thinking, “baiting,†fighting, fear, and heart-felt sorrow over my newfound disillusionment of the one man I thought I could trust…GIVE IT UP!!! But wait. “The Rally†could be categorized as triumphant after all. Maybe? Can you believe it? Detected by me…referred to by my husband as “yesterday’s news†and several other vulgar slurs, most insulting my age, sexual prowess, and figure.
Research! Research! Research! Go to ALL of the “Is he cheating?†websites and read. Reread. Much of the information will be repetitive and ultimately leads to $$$ because you deserve to know or WILL know after the purchase is made. Those web designers sure know we were already suffering because….well, where were we? There were “hooks†in several that had me going on for hours. The sites knew we were on a mission. They bet on the fact that we would read every word and eventually click “Buy Now†to various products like PC spying software, reverse e-mail and phone no. access, GPS units, books with THE answer and much, much more, some involving collecting DNA evidence. Yes, I fell for some of it as I had very limited funds. Who wouldn’t? I was obsessed. I figured no drug will ever compare to the feeling of “GOTCHA!â€
My mood got darker after more research. I needed a new angle. I wanted something that didn’t feel so damn sympathetic. A revelation. For the most part, these sites are for WOMEN in pain. Let’s rethink this. Look up “how to cheat.†This epiphany might lead you to the “inside stuff.†As you may already know, the articles for women are slightly sappy.
Also, getting him to open up to you one night (when he did have an excuse at first to leave BUT threw it out for some “repair work†to keep spouse from snooping.) Listen. Listen. Listen. After you have read the male’s point of view or “cheata’ code,†(which is what I ultimately knew would be an appropriate tag for this blog,)you are ready. They will say something about cheating that “does not apply†to them, of course. But the “insider/cheata’ code†speaks in volumes x10.
What they reveal, unknowingly, might lead you to the truth and their power trip will temporarily halt. He’s talking. You may have steered him towards the subject, but he IS a guy, so whatever. You may think, “Why is he so familiar with this ‘insider/cheata’ code?’ and appear really substantiated to give me this information?†IN A WAY (roundabout, albeit) I might finally appreciate how “great†HE was because he was talking about HIMSELF I would find out after two more weeks of a need to find some proof!
I should say now that I put up with a lot as far as abusive behavior, alcoholism, irresponsibility, having to make up excuses to our kids about where he was, BUT he knew my “big deal†thing…cheating was my “drop-dead deal breaker.†[Courtesy to Dr. Phil for that saying.] I just wanted to feel safe in THAT respect. For years and years, I never questioned him in that area. I was so very passive. I thought pretty much all guys were perverted, which he would often point out, except for him. Therefore, I have no goals of getting “back in the dating world†at my age. I want to be with my kids, not another idiot.
Look at me from a bird’s eye view. On my patio all hours of the day and night constantly logging in and checking our FAMILY cell phone usage for numbers with long conversations or calls that would appear when he was about to disappear, numbers called on the way to and from work, A.M. instant messages…and I called, too.
If the cheater seems to be suspiciously putting on a real bad*** act when you know they (on the inside) or in their heart really feel that they are NOT, they are getting/needing approval (skewed?) by telling you, “I’m not like this, but a friend of mine has a “bat phone…†(huh?) and underneath THAT he implies, “Keep scrolling the numbers on the family cell phone usage details!! Keep calling all my friends and hanging up on them!! HAHA!†LISTEN once more. I felt he was getting credibility in a sick way at my expense. BUT, he was seeing I might just be crafty enough and Most assuredly focused enough to detect ONE error/indiscretion. Just one. He tried top change the detailing on the phone since I was “calling his friends, crazy and making stuff up.†Gee, since the bill is in MY name, he asked me if I would sign a waiver to set up his number separately. He does say he pays the bill, in bits and pieces. But, uh, no. Sure WON’T be signing not a damn thing to help YOU!!!
Don’t follow? Go back and research “how to cheat†for men and THEN reread “catch a cheating husband†info but don’t get yourself crying on those VICTIM sites…OMG!!! He shows every sign of cheating (except for one) on every list/quiz here! This is HIM. He IS cheating! We are insecure and COULD be presuming. I really noticed and felt sorry for the shape of the world that many sites seem to actually prey on worried, older, emotionally unstable women. Since, duh, you are on this site….and you know YOU have not been an attentive, pleasant and validating wife. You know you are partly to blame for being more like a mom than a wife or??? You are vulnerable is what I mean. And, in their defense, some have quite a positive angle on what to do to repair your marriage. Yeah, I was NOT interested in that portion of any site whatsoever. Once a cheater, always a cheater. But, if you are HERE on these sites…trust me. I just knew, but I did not have the “smoking gun†that I hungered for. And the cheater OFTEN shifts blame since they are feeling pretty guilty for acting like a “family man†in front of some people/family members and a “rowdy, fun, free to come and go, hang out with all the single guys at strip clubs, big spender type†in the eyes of others…whose approval seems to really boost their self-esteem. Since we were not aiding them in that area??
“Cheata’ Code†steps up with an agenda. They say you are SO off-base, stupid, bored, unproductive and just plain CRAZY! They dictate the empty and rehearsed pledge. Here’s my spouse’s speech: “I would never do that to you and the kids. You know how shy I am.†No, what I DO know is you wanted and eventually needed more…no baggage, no anger, no responsibilities, no accusing, no insecurities….just fun oh fun!!! Every man wants/needs approval and attention. In my case, he was NOT getting much of either, because I was SICK of his lack of respect for me and my children.
Think back. NO WONDER HE WAS ALWAYS SO BROKE!!! My husband had too much physical independence being in a construction- related field, way too much financial independence having his separate bank account and lots of CASH from “side jobs†and (my fault, too) he had too much emotional independence.
He would often accuse, blame, blow me off, say I ran him off, I must WANT him to cheat since I keep bringing it up. He provided flimsy alibis/excuses and could not keep them straight. I’m thinking….â€Cheata’ Code: add details, but remember them.†Guys might want to add that to their site. Don’t slip up, playa’.
I was most anxious after I kicked him out and he kept returning. He was angry. I was NOT BACKING DOWN from saying I KNOW. So you could hear IN THE BACKYARD, “I didn’t cheat! I never ****ed anyone!!! You have nothing!!! Don’t you feel silly? Why are you dwelling on this?†Why? I just had to find that “smoking gun†YESTERDAY. I just kept on with my pretty inappropriate sleuthing. I was deleting accounts, adding accounts, looking for accounts or memberships, looking to “bait†him, if I could find he had a hidden membership or account. I was out of control. So then I would just throw # logs out and figure I was finished. Maybe he just really never did…but, NAH. All the sites for cheating spouses initially point out the fear-inducing thing to look for. I’ll call it a “FACT†right about now. It’s that strong. Listen to your “little voice†or as I heard this on Oprah: “When someone starts throwing pebbles at you, listen. Something is not right. Don’t wait for them to start throwing bricks!â€
In my case, my “gut instinct†was the problem and the solution. It would show up when I would think, “hhhhmmmm, why are there suddenly changes of clothing and toiletries in his trucK? Why does he turn his phone off when he goes out? Why does he come home so late? Why does he think I will go for the “I just have an alcohol problem and THAT’S ALL!!!?â€
Why could I feel a tangible pull in him? As soon as I would feel it….1000 and 1, 1000 and 2: EXCUSE!! . Gotta go. Have to do an estimate, pick up a friend, bid a job, make $$ by selling blah, blah, blah (no, nothing illegal.) or he would not return from a quick errand even if a certain kid was waiting on him for a special reason. “Hey, I am a grown man. I was out with the guys! Why are you asking?â€
Although I am NOT superstitious at all, I FELT IT. I have been with him since 1991, so I would know. I never even thought of getting with someone after him for any reason. He was my life for over 20 years. I was so scared. Life as I knew it would be forever changed and my children would not understand. Even though I’d tell myself that I just needed to let it go and move forward without him, I HAD to know. After all these hours of cyber-hunting fun, i kept reminding myself how many times I would encounter the fact that men have absolutely nothing to gain at all by coming clean. Nothing good will come to them if they throw out, “Honey, yeah. You know I am being unfaithful to you. You really are on the right track, so I am confessing.†Why would a man ever admit??? No reason. They are cheating, which is a lie, so any little (or big) thing you THINK you found out to prove (almost) that you did not waste a whole month of your life while your children watched will be dismissed as “bull****.†There you are full of doubt, so he’s “gotcha†by poking holes in your confronting him. I thought of “Cheatas’Code,†and should have turned the cell phone off and gone back to my novel.
After the fact, and only after the fact, could I advise that the sites were right. Never tip him off that you know anything item by item. Oops. He knew I was looking and my “little voice†was screaming as he attacks, “What’s your problem? You should have gotten a summer job! You need a f****** hobby!†So, I did as the various sites advised, slightly amended. I kept a “log†of what I called “53 Reasons to Get a Divorce in 2012.†I made him listen to ALL of it because he would not leave, so stay and hear this!!! Two of my reasons were concocted. About this kind of “evidence,†and presenting it, I have heard two very different points of view.
Don’t ever make anything up. He will know you have nothing. You will look crazy as he laughs at you or get really upset if it is too far out. If you are incorrectly “baiting,†that’s very risky. You will look desperate and not at all believable, even if you DO get proof later.
Say you know about what he is doing from a recorder you put under the seat when he went out with his single guy friend. Say you did actually talk to a girl that mentioned you were seeing one of her friends a while back and they knew you really did not want to hurt me. You get the point.
You already know I went with option 2. I was fueled by, “You can’t back down now, just get SOMETHING since you DO already know.†And he went for some of it. I got this: me and my friend talking about how I was having sex and me actually HAVING sex are two different things. You should never listen in on guys. Guys make up stuff to fit in. Well, you are MARRIED and you were not sounding that way. (As if I even heard.)
And I got this: “Tell me whatever guy told you that I was seeing one of his friends! GIVE ME A NAME!!! I want to talk to him.†Uh, you mean chew him out for breaking “Cheata’s Code?†And that was a bit satisfying because I had specifically said it was a girl who told me. And I said it more than once. So, who did HE think told? I would NOT talk to a MAN about this!!! What man would even help you? (I have texted my sister and best friend to DEATH night after night.) So sorry. And thank you. So he grabs to eradicate the “a girl told me†story. “WHO??? Was it my sister or sister-in-law?†Watch out playa’. You’re sweating here!! BTW, that would be “Family Code.†So, no it sure was not either of them. But, why would you even consider that your own big sister or your brother’s wife would say that to me? Didn’t even bother to ask.
I had nothing.
I had “let it go†two times and dove right back in. Every single thing I said was quickly refuted. Sites say, “Get only FACTS such as phone logs/written statements/receipts/recordings if you are going to confront.†By now I had actually let him know that IF I had a VIDEO of him and another girl, he would play THAT off as well with, “lots of guys have tattoos like mine.â€
One last chance. And I promised my girl I was finished as I have been a bit preoccupied lately. So I really only had ONE more chance. Back to scrolling that family cell bill? You’ve already thrown away TWO lists you so cleverly compared to your calendar!!!! As I mentioned earlier, I did call lots of those numbers on “unknown status,†and I GUESS I was delirious one day. They were all guys, and when they would answer, I would just LAUGH and then hang up. Who cared what they thought. I was on a MISSION that day that ended today. I looked at the bill. Yes. Again. And I realized when he “had to go right now,†he always called his best friend when he was on the way home. Coach? Guilt? Phone always OFF for a couple of hours until he called him.
I had nothing.
Scroll all the way down. He is in the doghouse right now!! Who is that dumb? He won’t be calling any girlies when he keeps trying to get his foot back in this door!! Wait. Who in the world, other than me, would talk to him for 35 minutes? And it was the big day after I had confronted him, had a HUGE and inappropriate fight, and then kicked him out. Maybe he felt like he was defeated, so whatever. Since I am already being accused… “Cheata’ Code:†Never use your family phone for personal activity. ( I had tried that # once, but it was disconnected. Duh.) You knew I had NOT missed that. Just so tired. Almost. I thought, “OK. Check it. You have to stop this. Move on. Who cares WHAT he did or did not do?? HE HIT YOU!!!!!!! Get up, go inside, and cook some dinner!!!â€
He really felt some validation on our night of “reconnecting/talking/questioning†when he so willingly shared how his friend has his p**** organized on a separate phone because he’s a cheater. That way wifey would never know. He smugly referred to it as a dude’s “bat phone.†WTF? Damn. I had never even THOUGHT of that. (Until I saw it on the glib “how to cheat-for men†site.) I would not think he was that smart/really putting it out there/deceitful to actually visit an ATM and purchase a separate â€pre-paid†phone. As you know, I still had nothing… Called under “unknown status†which he NEVER once answered for on family/work phone. So that’s why his younger sister was irritated with my talk and stopped me by saying, “If my brother IS cheating on you, he is too smart to let you find out.†You think? Hey. I am done. BUT, you know, right? He would just say that it was not him, it was a friend’s phone left in the truck, I was just borrowing blah-blah’s phone because it had Joe’s # on it. Why would I need one of those? Why are you making this up? And he’s got just a small bit of game. So, he COULD say, “Well if I have this phone…where is it?†“Cheata’ Code:†Never, ever admit to anything. Deny. Deny. Deny. (Think back to what I perceived his excuse would be for a video of him “in the act.â€)
And after 21 years of being with only ONE man, I would not know the sound of my own husband’s voice answering very eagerly? He pulled up shortly after to see one of the kids. Neither of us will be bringing this up. I just don’t want him coming over here. But, we have kids. They want to see him. He seems REAL interested in them all of the sudden. They have BEEN HERE WAITING for you the whole time. They still are. Problem is I just want him to go away and stay away. And NOW he wants to pop in all the time. (I will not specifically admit in public how my rage once boiled over, {over a social account I had hacked} and I did a STUPID THING. My reaction is thrown in my face whenever I remind him not to come here since we are separated. Later that day, though, he was the ACTUAL aggressor who STRUCK me down while sober. First time sober. Last time, too. Police showed up, and neither of us pressed charges. He has one pending, anyways. So, uh, it didn’t help a bit that I had already read that “your confrontations must be calm.†That’s not how I handled this. And it is SELFISH because my kids were here.) I need to quit letting that guilt live my life for me, though.
Even though this is not fixed, “GOTCHA?â€
Unfortunately, this does not even feel like I thought it would. I just knew I’d be so fulfilled with PROOF! Remember this so you won’t be “the crazy old wife calling all my friends.†It doesn’t even help. I feel hatred for the father of my children. He won’t respect my commands to not come over here unannounced. We can’t be in the same room together around my children. I will not fight in front of them again. He continues to say I made up everything, and brings up my absolute LOWEST point of my life from the morning of the fight, even to my children. I know he can’t cope with the 80/20 equation/possible outcome of extramarital affairs. He does not have the financial wizardry to live on his own. He has lost so much financial freedom that he enjoyed here. For him, I feel sad. His “bat phone†probably wasn’t even ringing all that much. Just a hang-up. Your wife.
Sad, sad update, but I’m O.K. I DID check into the registered owner of his “bat phone†when I got the $10.00. Although I still feel 99% sure my husband answered “his second phone†that time, and the NEXT day a totally different guy answered…the “pre-paid†account was registered to a Facebook friend of his. And as you know, I have nothing.
-=-=I have set up counseling sessions to begin next month for myself and my three children. I am no longer checking one thing. I went back to writing down my ideas and reading a novel from early July (I’d been on the same 10 pages for a month, VERY RARE!!) WE will be fine. The kind of father they have only uses the “c†word when really backed in a corner. He never follows through. He is embarrassed and would probably never work out his various issues honestly in front of anyone, professional or otherwise. I imagine his fear sounds something like this: “Do you tell them the real truth?†If so, can’t be walking BY that door, much less through it. I am only in charge of my behavior and the behavior of my 3 children. The “ex-4th child†is not my problem. I would never consider working this out. I want a D-I-V-O-R-C-E. I was already in a bad situation with a younger, occasionally violent and possessive man, so this was probably exactly what I needed to do. Find out he broke my one rule. Never have just one rule, OK? I was young when I said that, but I always remembered.
You don’t need proof. Intuition developed in a 21-year relationship is immense. Your “hhhmm?†is very accurate if you look and listen. The sites for women all told what to look for. You know something is wrong. If possible, get counseling together or leave. Much advice centered around the fact that you may NOT really want to know, so that it was OK if you didn’t. That’s not how I do this. And do lots of women cheat? “Husband/wife cheating?†sites are in the 100’s. Probably not anyone looking here. I didn’t look at any of the sites for the men to get a clue. I kind of thought this was a “guy thing,†but I’m growing up. If you are cheating, you probably don’t get a say in whether your husband does??? Don’t really care. Cheating is just so very wrong on so very many levels. Hundreds of sites estimate that anywhere between 75-90% of men cheat on their wives and 7% admit to it. I am just grateful that my children and I are safe, he is finally gone, my sister and best friend listened to me, and I don’t feel scared anymore. I think these counseling sessions are going to be expensive but productive. And I want to hear from you, if you have any questions/comments. Thanks for your time.
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