One of my dearest female friends is in a relationship with a friend of her own. It’s not an unhealthy relationship, but the man has made it clear to my friend that it has a definite ending as he needs to move away for a job. She understands this, intellectually anyway. But there’s some question as to whether our intellect can overrule our emotion in every instance and in every situation.
I suspect that the more time we spend with another person involved in intimacies, the more intimate we get regardless of our overall intentions. I would even go so far to say that it’s inevitable. That like that old premise in “When Harry Met Sally,” men and women can’t just be friends. Well, I mean that they definitely cannot just be friends if they’re actively engaging in a sexual relationship.
I know my friend knows that, so intellectually, she’s cool. But I also know that matters of the heart can often short-circuit our rationality, leading us to engage in behaviors that, in the long-run, may not be emotionally the most healthy for us.
These thoughts led me to look up the research literature on “friends with benefits,” and I was pleasantly surprised to come away with a few citations where this phenomenon has actually been studied. These kinds of relationship most often occur in younger adults (high school and college-age students) who are still actively exploring their sexuality.
Puentes and his colleages (2008) collected over 1,000 surveys of undergraduates and came away with the following observations on these “friends with benefits relationships” (FWBRs):
1. Males. Over sixty percent of the men (63.7%) compared to slightly over half (50.2%) of the women reported experience in a friends with benefits relationship. While not statistically significant, McGinty et al. (2007) also found men more likely participants and concluded that, “men focus on the benefits, women on the friends” aspect of the friends with benefits relationship. Previous research comparing men and women has emphasized that men think more about sex, report a higher number of sexual partners, and engage in more frequent sexual encounters than women (Michael et al., 1994).
2. Casual daters. Respondents who were casually dating different people (76.3%) were significantly more likely to report experience in a FWBR than those emotionally involved with one person (49.3%) or not dating/involved with anyone (49.9%). It is clear that while the respondents were having sex with a friend, they did not define the relationship as a dating relationship that was going anywhere. To the contrary, the participants had a dating life (or were open to one) with different people that was separate from the friends with benefits relationship.
3. Hedonist. Undergraduates selecting hedonism (82.2%) as their primary sexual value were significantly more likely to be involved in a friends with benefits relationship than those selecting relativism (52.3%) or absolutism (20.8%). Unlike relativists who prefer sex in the context of a love relationship and absolutists who won’t have sex outside of a marriage relationship, hedonists are focused on sexual pleasure, not the relationship with the person.
4. Sex without love. It comes as no surprise that participants in a FWBR were adept at having sex independent of love. Indeed, over 80 percent of participants in a FWBR reported that they had had sex without love, compared to 13.4% of non participants who preferred sex in the context of a love relationship. This difference was statistically significant.
5. Nonromantic/realist. In contrast to romantics who believed that there is only one true love/love comes only once, nonromantics (also known as realists) viewed this belief as nonsense. Analysis of the data revealed that undergraduate realists who believed that there were any number of people with whom they could fall in love (57.9%) were significantly more likely to be a participant in a friends with benefits relationship than were undergraduate romantics who believed in one true love (44.7%).
In effect, nonromantics believe that they would have many opportunities to meet/fall in love and that a friends with benefits relationship would not cancel out their chance of doing so. Hughes et al. (2005) also found that persons involved in a friends with benefits relationship had a pragmatic view of love.
6. Question deep love’s power. Participants were less likely than nonparticipants to believe that deep love can help a couple get through any difficulty. Slightly over half (52.7%) of participants in a FWBR reported they did not believe in the power of deep love compared to over 60% (62.3 %) of nonparticipants who did believe in such power. We interpret this finding as another example of participants being nonromantic realists who were not focused on romantic love in their relationships.
7. Jealousy. Undergraduates identifying themselves as a jealous person (58.8%) were significantly more likely to be involved in a friends with benefits relationship than those who did not view themselves as jealous (51.1%). We are not sure how to interpret this data as we would assume just the opposite. Nevertheless, the data show that participants are more jealous. Perhaps those having sex with a friend wonder how many other sexual partners their “friend” has and want to feel that they are “special” and “unique.”
8. Blacks. In regard to racial differences, over sixty percent of blacks (62.5%) in contrast to over half of the whites (52.9%) reported involvement in a friends with benefits experience. Previous research comparing blacks and whites on interpersonal issues revealed that blacks valued romantic relationships less than whites, were less involved in an exclusive relationship, and were less disclosing in intimate relationships (Giordan et. al., 2005). Data from the National Survey of Family and Households also revealed great instability of black compared to white marriages (Raley 1996). A “friends with benefits” relationship which provides minimal emotional investment for a sexually involved couple is not inconsistent with relationship instability.
9. Higher class rank/age. The more advanced the undergraduate in class rank, the more likely the undergraduate reported involvement in a friends with benefits relationship: freshmen = 45.4%, sophomore = 55.1%, junior = 55.2% and senior = 62%. As might be expected, the older the student, the more likely the FWBR involvement with those 20 and older being more likely. We suspect that age increases one’s opportunity for a FWRB experience and that older undergraduates given the opportunity for a FWFR are more likely to cash in.
10. Money focused. When asked about their top value in life, undergraduates identifying financial security (67.9%) were significantly more likely to be in a friends with benefits relationship than those who identified having a career that they loved (53.9%) or having a happy marriage (48.5%) as their primary life value. Seemingly, the pursuit of money was more important than a love relationship moving toward commitment or marriage and they (participants in a friends with benefits relationship) took sex in whatever convenient context they could get it.
Frankly, the more I read about friends with benefits relationships, the more convinced I am that my friend isn’t actually involved in one of these (since they occur with increasingly less frequency as one ages and matures).
Perhaps she’s simply in a relationship in which the man is simply unawares or purposely ignorant. As long as she is aware, and isn’t expecting more from the relationship than he’s willing to give, then I think it’s fine.
But I also think it’s difficult for us, as humans, to separate sexuality from our emotions (even though it appears men are more able to do so than women). Even when men do so, I believe many do so only outwardly. Inside, perhaps unconsciously, they still feel the connection they’re making through sex.
Because sex is more than just a physical act of pleasure. It strips us, if just for a moment, of all of our social masks, and bares our physical desires (and some might argue, our souls) to the other person. While men may deny that happens, I can’t help but believe it does. Maybe not in everyone, but I think in more men than research shows.
As for my friend, I worry about her. While she’s a smart, attractive, and wonderful person, I think she may be blinded by her own cynicism about relationships, love, and attraction. But after awhile, it’s hard not to. When you meet so many people who are just interested in relationships on their own terms (and for their own ends), it can be hard to see the forest through the trees.
Or the man who has feelings for you, despite his protestations to the contrary.
References:
Puentes, J., Knox, D. & Zusman, M.E. (2008). Participants in ‘friends with benefits’ relationships. College Student Journal, 42(1), 176-180.
94 comments
Nice post. I agree with your comments about the inevitable effects of sexual relations. Maybe the FWB people are attracted to people who do not form intimate bonds because they lack feelings of security and self confidence and think that anyone who would want to have intimate relations with them must be defective themselves? And therefore they seek out the FWB relationship but their insecurity makes them feel jealous of the FWB partner?
It’s a nice post
thank you so much
Nice post- I disagree with Doug. I’m involved in a FWB or BFFB. We mutually agree that we have our friendship and that the sex is not part of our friendship. Neither of us care to be in a relationship at this time, both coming from horrible marriages. We have known each other for over 30yrs, are friends, and trust one another as to the health and safety of the other. I’m a professional woman, confident and strong, I’m comfortable with who I am. We have no problem dating others.
But maybe sex is not so strictly connected to love–as Lisa Diamond (2004) argues? There are many reasons why people have sex (Meston & Buss, 2007), the “emotional” ones are just some part of them. In different cultures and in animals sex plays/ed also many different roles…
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Diamond, L.M. (2004). Emerging Perspectives on Distinctions Between Romantic Love and Sexual Desire. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 13, 3, p. 116-119.
Meston, C. & Buss, D.M. (2007). Why humans have sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36, p. 477-507.
I am a student in college currently waiting to go to university, in a fwbr. I found this information interesting, as I think a lot of the idea of a ‘fwbr’ has been taken out of context. I would consider myself as being a pragmatist, yet I have never had sex without love, I have had very little sexual partners (2), I am a jealous person, I value happiness over money and want a marriage, love, and a family when I am older. I think that the link between all of these things is that, as my ‘friends with benefits’ is actually a friend, i justify myself in being closer to him than any other person, and therefore think it’s fine to be having sex with him. despite this, i do not want to jeapordise our relationship by going out and am still attracted to other people, though not sexually. Whilst I do engage in a fwbr for sexual pleasure, it is also very much a love relationship and I do feel that sex displays the greatest of intimacies between people. To be honest, I think that where I am not comfortable in having sex with just ‘anybody’, I continue the act between a close, loved one, so I can recieve my ‘love dose’ (probably as I am insecure and feel the need to be loved by somebody or something like that) as I don’t want to have sex with people I don’t know, yet I am still dating because I want to keep my options open and perhaps find the perfect guy.
i dunno, i’m baffling on a bit, but i found this article really interesting and wanted to say soemthing on it.
finally, if it’s any help, i think the thing about jealous people might spring from the fact that if you’re jealous, you might wonder who the people you are DATING are seeing, and henceforth pacify your jealousy by having a fwb. this is because you and the fwb are on the same terms and generally know where you stand so it doesn’t matter who they’re seeing, but you feel less betrayed/undesired by your dating partner(s) seeing other people if you are doing the same?
I’m currently in a FWB MOU with a very good friend of mine and i tell you, there are times when i want out, beacause he has tendencies of becoming possessive and jealous. He’s currentlt in a very ricekty relationship and i’m single, but so thinks that i’m he’s girlfriend and i alwyas remind him that i wont stand it if he continues to breach our understanding. Yes, i will concede….i deeply care about him and i love him to bits, coz he’s one of my dearest and very close friends and the reason we agreed on consumating our friendship was to honour our intense sexual attraction towards each other. The other day i asked him if he was aware that i will eventually meet someone i’m going to love and he was livid.
I dont know how many times have we resolved to end this, but each time we do, we always find ourselves back to each other’s beds. It’s as if we want t break it off, just forthe fun of having more steamy sessions.
To be honest though, i’d rather continue like this, than have him as a boyfriend…..we would never last!
Damn Shana, I read your story and I am in a pretty similar situation. I have a FWB also, and he is like urs about the jealousy stuff. We also have ended plenty of times, but each time we end up at bed again cause sexual attraction is too much. We agreed in have this FWB cause we are foreign students and will be together just 2 years. However, in my case, even with all his defects, even with our behavior of love/hate, and even tough i know he is not good for me cause he is immature, he likes to have the control over me all the time, he makes him self unavailable for me when he wants, basically cause he has a huge ego and knows i like him a lot, I wish the story were different, cause i know in his deep inside he is a very good person, and i like the connection i have with him as a friend.
I wrote to you cause I felt identify with you, and cause i don’t have someone to talk about it, cause we don’t tell our other friends, due to religion, they are very conservative about sex…
i’ve often pondered why guys can do no-strings-attached sex better than women. and i think it has something to do with the act itself . . . it takes a lot of trust for a woman to allow a man inside of her. the guy isn’t doing the same thing, he’s the one DOING the invading (or whatever you want to call it).
and the girls who can do the no-strings-attached thing . . . those are the ones you don’t want. i don’t care what other guys say, those are the bad ones.
im currently in a friends with benefits relationship…
i was the one who set the boundaries…the one who insisted on the no-strings-attached thing….
but here i am. GUILTY!
ive just realized that im in love with him.
what the hell am i gonna do?? help!!
Judee,
I hear you same thing over here! well this is what you do, you tell him how your feeling. the one thing people fall to see is, if you pick the right guy then this will pass. I truly care for my guy that I’m involved with I not only enjoy the sex but I enjoy having him around. He’s a great friend I can speak to him about anything for work to life in general, and he does the same. He has his life and I have mine but we have things we enjoy doing together that takes away from having sex all the time but allows the friendship to grow. Now My girl friend all feel that I should run fast, sometime people come in your life for a reason or season. If you and your friend are truly friend then talk to him on how you feels and he will tell you how he feels you must know you may hear things you would not want to hear but remember your hearing it now and you can run at any time with now question asked and move on. Or you can grow as a women and as a person you will learn so mush about yourselves and the person standing in the mirror each day.
Judee,
I too was in a FWB thing, however i wasnt the one to draw the lines and i realized early on that i wanted more but i was trying to put my life back together after heart break at the time and moving out of town for college and it just wasnt a good time to press it with him. However, i stuck around and always told myself that i would wait for him until i found someone who made it not worth waiting anymore, i never did find that someone. About a year and a half after we started the FWB thing, he said he loved me…6 months later we started dating, we do things a bit backwards i suppose. The only real problem I’ve found with this is while we were FWB neither of us were entirely exclusive to one another and this seems to have left us both with some trust issues, we’re working on them and seem to be making it thru them, so if you want him, just be there and share life and do the silly little things like randomly lean over and kiss him, he’ll get the point eventually, or you’ll find someone better. Good luck! 😀
FWB is stupid. There’s no need to go there. I date on a regular basis and have sex with many women. In my experience, women are just as happy with short lived relationships with great sex as I am. I’ve even found myself ‘chasing’ the girl who became uninterested… but in my experience, neither party gets upset when the other party is ready to move on, we just move on to the next great person! Life is great and there are plenty of men/women out there to have a great time with and have sex with, there’s no need to possibly disrupt a good friendship.
I have a friend and we are very much attracted to each other we both agree not to cross the line and become fwb.He moved to another state and we do visit each other its getting harder and harder not to give in because we do love each other,i;m afraid once the line is cross i’ll friendship will be forever lost,and i value our friendship to much to risk it.
I disagree with your final thoughts on sex. Firstly, I don’t agree that sex strips us of our social masks at all. To me that suggests a naivety about sex, or perhaps simply a lack of experience, certainly in my experience, people are just as likely to maintain a social mask during sex as they are in day to day life.
I also disagree with the idea that it “bares our souls”. Personally I find the idea of a “soul” ludicrous and without grounds, but nevertheless, I understand your feelings, and I disagree. Before I was in a commited relationship I was extremely happy having empty, non-committal, sometimes anonymous sex, completely without feeling or emotion, purely physical. If I was single again now, I would jump right back in without batting an eyelid, in fact, as a man, I prefer sex this way.
I have a FWB relationship with my ex-serious relationship. We dated seriously for over a year, so seriously he moved in with me and we lived together for a spell.
I couldn’t stand some of his habits and he couldn’t stand some of mine. We would have never made it.
We both loved the sex and we both don’t want to stay serious with each other because we won’t make it.
We have sex 3 or 4 times a week. We both date other people and I more than him is probably more interested in another steady serious relationship. We both date though and are active socially with and without each other. We introduce each other’s dates to each other very frequently and a lot of our closest friends know of our benefits arrangement.
It works well, actually….. and all that analysis maybe accurate for younger participants in FWB but for older participants (I’m 32.) it can’t be more wrong… I am a professional. I own my own home. I lack no confidence and am not slightly jealous of other people.
I came across this site because I got a Facebook PM invitation to become “friends with benefits”. To be perfectly honest, I was unfamiliar with the term and googled it, thus landing myself her. I am a current undergraduate and am rather repulsed at the idea.
Thank you for the informative post. I quite agree with your opinions.
I’m 20 and in the last 2 years I’ve been just friend with a 40-year-old man. In the last months he began making sexual advances toward me. In December I gave in and had sex with him.
I think we are not FWBR, I think we ruined our friendship. I now treat him acidly, sourly. What should I do now? ‘Cause, if I see again (we live very far away from each other), I’ll be tempted to sleep with him again. The fact is that I don’t even know if he feels something deeper for me, and, actually, I don’t want to know. I don’t feel anything and I think it was awkward and weird when we had sex.
people who are jealous are probably only really jealous when they find something they value so much… FWB are thus not so valuable, and are not allowed to be jealous towards, otherwise they cross the FWB status, the no emotions connected part.
As for the soul stripping part, I do believe that sex is much more intimate and serious than anything anyone could compare it to, although in a completely physical way. It is definitely a girl things though; guys are the one’s doing it; so it’s the girls that are being in that totally vulnerable state.
In the end, if a person knows that they will connect physical with emotional, inevitably, just don’t. But some physical fun is always what people are looking for.
Otherwise, look for something to hold on to.
People always want more than what they have; in that way, would u rather have ur FWB want more from you, or hit all the people in town?
I hope i can believe in true love someday, before I give in to this insanely strong physical attraction to boys which disgust me any other time.
I am a college professor and am currently conducting a study on friends with benefits. If anyone is involved in one or has been in the past, and is 18 or older, they can go to surveymonkey and complete the survey online:
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=U7CSXoWtxTD_2fBzlvbQHfuA_3d_3d
It’s completely anonymous! Thanks for your help and feel free to pass along the information!
hi…
I am suffering from losing my best friend because somewhere along the way we became friends with benefits…. i thought it would be ok to just do it once cuz he always hinted about it… we did it last year and it was just him coming and then saying he was done… i was hurt… he didnt want to listen why…
we did not talk for 4 months… then he came back apologizing… i forgave him even tho he had hurt me terribly… a month after that… sex starting coming up again…. i said no at first… and later he kinda convinced me.. oh for the record… i have been in love with this guy for about a year now… but I knew it was best if it was kept at friendship… so well we do it again… and it is exactly like last time… him doing his stuff…and so is the thrird…. he didnt wanna listen to me why I was upset over this…. i finally told him everything last week and made it clear that i cud not be friends witha guy like that…. and he told me he never wante dto have sex but he did it cuz i wanted to… well then why did he do it twice? and orgasamed… and right after…. he said he was done???
am i supposed to believe him?? i dont kno how to stop being in love with him…. and i miss him…. wat shud i do? HELP!
I disagree with your final thoughts on sex. Firstly, I don’t agree that sex strips us of our social masks at all. To me that suggests a naivety about sex, or perhaps simply a lack of experience, certainly in my experience, people are just as likely to maintain a social mask during sex as they are in day to day life.
I totally agree and believe a FWBR can work and is possible, and in reality I don’t know how 2 people could engage in sexual relationships if they were not some good freinds, understand and knnow something about each other in the first place. However, I do not suggest this type of realationship for young people, who the inexperienced who do not understand the risks involved and can discipline their emotional well being. So in other words 2 people really need to understand the expectations and each others needs before moving a friendship to this level.
I like this a lot.
I have an interesting experience with an FWBR.
6 months or so again, I was looking for an FWBR. I was sore from a break-up, but knew that living without sex inevitably led me to some really bad sexual decision or other. At the time, my best sexual relationships had been with friends, and so I thought, “ok, this is what I need”.
I met a guy, and we hit it off brilliantly. We were looking for the same thing – fun and mutual respect, but no commitment, no vision of a relationship down the road.
Flash forward to the present. I live with this man now. I am completely in love with him, and he with me. We have a close, affectionate, and passionate relationship. We are great friends, we have great sex, and we just seem to get each other. I can honestly say that there is something unidentifiably healthy and honest in this relationship that I’ve never before experienced.
And I think that at least for us, it never would have happened if it started as anything more than FWB. We never decided to be in a relationship, we never had the typical romantic expectations of each other. In fact, I don’t think we had any expectations. We just wanted to do it until it wasn’t fun anymore.
But one day, we woke up (together) and realized that no matter how much we said that we weren’t together, we were. We discovered our relationship, we didn’t try to make it happen.
I’d never want to conclude anything from this in general – this is just my story. I think everyone’s different on this, our pasts, or desires, our triggers and fears – they all play into “what we can handle”. For me, it was not having expectations, and not feeling someone’s expectations of me.
Whatever made it happen this way at this time for me, I’m always going to have a positive feeling about FWBs.
Well I’m married, and if I were to divorce – a FWBR is exactly what I would look for, and matter of fact even whi;e I’m still married, rather than dealing with all the agony of who’s being satisfied & who’s not, and after numerous attempts at trying to ‘spice things’ up, with no real long lasting affect – along with not being in position to divorce yet — a FWBR might just be the answer until we are.
I pray that these words will strike you.
There is but one truth with regard to the good use of your body and you, in your many words, lead so many astray.
“Haven’t you read, that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Mt 19:4-6
Also,
“Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body… Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” 1 Cor 6:12-20
Seek Truth and He will set you free. There is no truth in your machinations. You, who cannot even explain where a dream comes from, why do you boast?
ps. For “smartgirl”:
The problem with your marriage is that there are only 2 people in it.
Marriages are strong and beautiful when the man loves his wife as Christ loves the church (and He died for the church), AND when the wife respects her husband (Something you have not done by your post).
If you desire a good relationship then seek Him who is Good and win your husband by your devotion to Christ. Thereby you will have three in your marriage and you will thrive.
I do earnesty pray that you will receive what is offered.
– Christian.
YEA YOUR RIGHT!! but i have been absenent for a while and actually tryin to get close to god as much as possible im only 18 and i was so happy that i actually cared at such along age or atleast finally realized the importance of living through the word of god..and we shouldnt even want to do ne thing else then what god whant us to do because everything else is evil or mislead…..but i dont know it seems like ive been tryin to wait and wait until a good guy comes around but they never do and all of my friends have relationships they have been in for years,,some of them are married and getting married soon…and i just want to have a life now or finally grow up and im freaken bored with my life…..i think im good lookin and i am really cool to hang with so why should i wait and wait and wait and try to convince myself that even though my life is boring i shouldnt care that much because i know others could and do have a much worser life than me and wouldnt mind just commin home from school and layin around the house…..but ya know ive done that for so long now and im young and pretty and so many guys want to have sex with me but i always turn them down and say no we atleast have to be together its bad enough where having sex outside of marriage….but now its like im so much more fun then i feel i am right now in my life its like a im a crazy fun adventourous girl who cant do anything because i live in the middle of nowhere with no one my age except for at school which is in a diffrent city so its kinda hard to make friends outside of school unless ya know were so close where gonna leave cities to chill with each other….but yea im just ready to have some fun and everyones always sayin have fun have sex and be secure with the choices you make and im just like yea maybe thats what ill do for awhile so i just msgd my friend to call if he wants to just have sex cuz i was horny and he already been wantin me to do that but i always stayd true to my morals that i wouldnt have sex without a boyfriend but now i dont care and im ready to have fun and maybe i might like doin this for a while…..i think this is just a phase for me though ill turn back to my old ways when im satisfied
Hey Christian — I appreciate your comments and thoughts on respecting and lving the life of God — but I think you have my words mistaken,as I was not implying that I did in fact share a FWBR, matter of fact I didnt’ imply that I ever had sexual relations outside of my marriage – but was suggesting, that knowing my circumstances and life I live each day — that I really do not have an objection to 2 peopel who wish to engage in a FWBR — providing the 2 people are mature enough to understand what they are getting involved with. Yes, I did say perhaps maybe even still ‘while I’m still married’ — and that is a BIG maybe.
On the subject of “friends with benefits”, how about if you ahve a 17 year old with Aspbergers who has no confidence in herself. I think the boy in this situation is totally using her. I even read something where she wrote that he wanted her to wait to loose her virginity with him until she was in a relationship. How twisted is that? But she decided to have sex with him anyways…
As I previously posted — FWBR is not healthy or an intended relaitonship style for all people — and I only suggest /reccommend such a style when 2 people are mature enough to totally underestand the ramifications and risks involved. 17 Years old is absolutley too young and immature to be considering a FWBR, and any sex life at that age I would consider sexual promescutiy for both the boy & girl.
Hello
Who are u ?
I am 42 years old and i hate sex and never did it.
I dont like it , and it is without any mean for me .I want to know , are there humans same me in this world ?
I like marriage but how can i find one sexless man ?
Thanks
You’re 0k. Go to Church or Library, you’ll meet someone.
Hello Julie.
Responding to your comment, I think the guy you are talking about has something wrong with him. Also, having Asperger’s Syndrome makes your child much more vulnerable, as you surely know better than me, so although I am in general a knight of free will, in that exceptional case I would strongly suggest that you intervene in some way. Kind regards
Dana I actually have a friend like that. Although he never speaks about relationships or sex at all. It’s kind of weird but I think other relationships creep him out so he stays to himself.
A very interesting topic! Thanks for posting!
Arguably, the concept is somewhat new to people in many Asian countries. While men in the countries want to have sex relationships with no commitment, women there don’t want to engage into those relationships, as they think they are used in some ways.
I have spent a lot of time processing the concept of friends with benefits and asking the opinion of others and I have come to some conclusions:
1. During the act of sex, endorphins are released that ignite lovey dovey feelings, especially in women
2. These feelings have no basis in reality; feelings are not fact
3. Women are conditioned to believe that sex = love despite their protests to the contrary
4. Sex does not = love, but it can be an act of love, which can be confusing
I believe that when two people are friends and genuinely like and care about each other as such, adding sex to the mix is complicated. It would be much more feasible to begin a friendship as friends with benefits, which eliminates any question of the “meaning” of that relationship.
This is stated from personal experience.
Silver Star: what exactly happend in your situation if you don’t mind me asking. I am in this situation and am confused if I want to follow through with it or not. because
1. the person I am having this “relationship” with has been my best guy friend for over 5 years
2. at one point we were going to be in a serious relationship
3. however, we remained great friends throughout it all
4. he likes me but doesn’t want the commitment ( partially because he is leaving to college)
what would this be? I know it is fwb but I am still confused and your line made total sense
“In regard to racial differences, over sixty percent of blacks (62.5%) in contrast to over half of the whites (52.9%) reported involvement in a friends with benefits experience.
Jordan: There is only 9.6% difference between the groups. That is NOT a big enough difference to make a definitive statement like “in contrast to.”
“In contrast to” would be a number like 10% or 15%…certainly NOT 52.9%.
“Previous research comparing blacks and whites on interpersonal issues revealed that blacks valued romantic relationships less than whites, were less involved in an exclusive relationship, and were less disclosing in intimate relationships (Giordan et. al., 2005).”
Jordan: Bullcrap.
How then do we separate human beings from wild animals ?. Where is the evolution ?
I personally believe that SEX must be reserved for somebody special that you loved and wanting to share your life with.
FWB is totally despicable and depraved which all civilized people must abhor.
This article is framed on an adolescent/young adult study, and follows cultural “norms” that are unsupported by any research. In fact, statements like “since they occur with increasingly less frequency as one ages and matures,” is pure conjecture and is, in fact, contrary to the study cited, where FWBR increased with upperclass students. Further, the analysis of the author’s female friend is based on his analysis, contradicting what his friend is saying. Sadly, the conclusions are better suited for Oprah or the WE channel, and not based on any sound reasoning or research. They are just conjecture to normalize the situation into the author’s comfort zone.
The anecdote is meant to frame the study, not be some global generalization applicable to all situations and all friendships. Sorry you didn’t see that.
As for FWBR decreasing as we age, indeed, not sure there’s any research data to support that. That’s why that statement was in my commentary, not a part of my direct analysis of the study. I should have put the word “likely” in there to hedge my bets, which are, of course, based upon personal experience and conjecture.
I believe FWB can work. I’m doing it in reverse..we meet, had sparks, dated and then he was honest and told me although all the bits and peices were ther he just didn’t have those longing/in love kind of feelngs. Ok, I had some wound licking to do but god bless him for being honest. Anyway, we have hung out as friends and on occassion end up in bed together. He voices concerns of hurting me/preventing me from movng on. His concerns are appreciated as I do cherish his friendship but I totally know where I stand. I am open to new relationships, actively seek them out, but in the meantime I have needs and where better to have them taking care of but by someone I know and trust. I want him to date, meet people..in fact I’m sure he does and no one will be happier for him than me when he finds the one that makes his heart just pound. I’ll just have to buy more batteries at that point.
Wow. I love your honesty.
Don’t kid yourself. You are still in love with him and are hanging on hoping his feelings change. I know I have done that too. It’s doubtful they will, but who knows?
Hey everyone – I’m working on a novel where the main two characters are involved in a “no-strings-attached relationship.” I have been doing a lot of research, but have found this website to be most useful. I’d rather have real people give real situations they have been in, regarding this type of relationship. I have created a survey that I would very much appreciate anyone to fill out to further help me with my story. Here is the link:
Click Here to take survey
I find this sort of relationship to be very interesting, and would like to respect others by potraying this kind of relationship as truthful as I possibly can. Thanks to those who participate – it’s completely anonymous!
Hi i guess you can say i am 18 and i am a Fwb with a good friend of mine. I met him when i was younger and i was mean then, we didn’t become friends until sophomore year and the funny thing is i was his first to touch a girl in almost anyway even though he wasnt my first guy(just my second). So, we have been great friends for years and to this day in my last year of highschool we still are close. We have been there for each other when other people have hurt us and we literaly have done everything but sex.
Now lately I seem to be liking him again but, its only an on and off thing. Of course i know he doesn’t like me more then friends (he told me himself) yet, he has said i have a great personality and im better lookin then half the girls he has seen. What I don’t get is this-
So i know how guys experiment with other girls… well, of course im not the only girl he’s done things with plus he lost his virginity not to long ago to this one girl(one night stand). Anyways, so we where talking and he brings up a touchy subject that he never feels happy anymore i asked why, he told me cause he is becoming an adult and its not somethin he is entirely ready for but, more IMPORTANTLY, he says for some reason he feels happier after he does soemthing with a girl.
I just told him “hey your a guy its not surprising” and he says “but im supsoed to ‘enjoy’ when i make out with a girl and etc.” he told me lil later “you may kill me but i kissed-” a friend of ours and did a lil more and i said “why would it matter your a guy its gonna happen” when i really shoulda said “hey, its not like we are goin out or anything so of course its not a bad thing if you kissed another girl when ive kissed other guys(but those were bf relationships)”
So ok another thing he is a GUY he has done stuff with other girls yet he admited that “im more comfortable doing stuff with you, your m best buddy.”
so idk he confuses me soemtimes but i don’t mind because i prefer being friends anywyas..lotta personall reasons.
but do you think he likes me or he is just..idk..weird lmao?!(btw he told me he didn’t like me but i saw an article bout guys not notcing they like a girl when they are in the moment)
continuing of the first one
What I mean I can’t relate is that im not saying im not in a fwbr because I am, mine is just more complicated then yours.
We have been friends since my sophomore year of highschool and for some reason after being his first to touch anything(he wasnt my first though just my second) we ended up being best friends afterwards. No, we never dated and he said that he doesn’t like me more then as a friend yet, sometimes I wonder if he does like me but, doesn’t know it.
Have any of you seen “when harry met sally?” I was wondering if it is somthing like that cause he is almost like a harry except he is completly nerdy hahaha and to this day, my last week in highschool, we don’t mind doing things sexually but, WE HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY HAD SEX!! That was his idea fyi, and i agree with him.
Here is the thing though, sometimes I like him more, somtimes I don’t. Recently I have been liking him more and more but, I would never pursue him for many reasons. I just wonder….
If he doesn’t like me more then friends, as he says, then how come he is more comfortable doing stuff with me then with other girls?? Heck, he lost his v card not too long ago, has had head from other girls and etc. Yet he says im his “bestie, or buddy” and idk he acts like he is more comfy with me. I also don’t get another thing, he told me like a 2 weeks ago that he did stuff with a friend of mine and he was like “your probably gonna kill me” and when he told me im like “so, your a guy, its not like im the only girl u have ever done stuff with.”
But, don’t think we are just into that stuff. Whenever others have hurt us we have been there for each other. We have both seen each other cry and we tell each other stuff that we don’t normally tell anyone else. Somtimes he is protective of me and EVEN MORE NOW just cause his mom told him after prom that she thinks of us as brother and sister and that he better look after me or she’ll kick his ass xD
And sigh, I have cheated on 2 guys with him a long time ago but, they weren’t very good boyfriends and took me after they broke up with me and lookin back to see that they didn’t treat me well. One, hardly ever hung out with me cause of sports and the other one..we were friends even longer then me and my fwb. We dated but, he broke up with me 3 times and always flirted with other girls, always made me feel like shit and etc… Doesn’t make it right I cheated on those two but, I have had my reasons.
So last night we hung out again, and he said they deserved it anyways, they didn’t treat me right. He wants to meet any guy I like to protect me and make sure they are a good influence on me and yet, he has told me he feels NO romantic feelings for me!!
So sometimes i wonder if he likes me..and doesn’t know it..
and even if he does, I have my own reasons for not dating him..no matter how much I sometimes wish it.
but what do you guys think? messege me on my yahoo acount ok.
This was a very interesting article, I just got out of a Friend With Benefits type of relationship, I think on some levels it brought us closer but in the end it ruined the friendship so I would never do something like that ever again. That and at one time I actually did fall in love with this person, and that was an issue; and towards the end this person had conflicting emotions on how they felt about me. While I may not do this again {It was my First} It was very much a life lesson one that in the end I’m glad that I had!
Your statistics on “Blacks†is racist bullshit. Again, you’ve used statistics to undermine the Black community and perpetuate the idea of a false superiority complex of non-blacks. How many Black people did you interview? Interviewing 100 black people and using it as a model for the entire black community paints a severely distorted view of this segment of society. If Blacks are 12% of the population the how do they have more ‘friends with benefits†relationships than Whites. Like I said…BULLSHIT!
Hi,
At first, I really don’t get it why people moved with this kind of relationship? But when mostly of friends experienced to be cheated in their relationship they now prefer FWBR. I understands now that people entering this kind of relationship experienced the trauma of cheated relationship, so it’s explainable. But the problem with this right now, is that they tend to wanted more. Even young adults practice this relationship in their schools, peer grouping, or even with their best friends. And, I do agree with what the author discussed above.
i am 42 and im in a fwbr with a 30 yr old man. i feel as if he is trying to fight himself having feelings..i do have some sorta love for him.i would move mountains for him and he knows this..sometimes everything will be going great then he starts to act cold towards me out of the blue..he has made it clear this will never be a relationship.but if this is suppose to be actually about sex then why do we spend so much time together hanging out talking and laughing,,really getting to know eachother?? i am so confused with this.and ive told him he is sending mixed signals..i also work with him.and he doesnt want anyone to know anything about us at work.i dont really know what to make of it…he knows alot of men at work like me very much would love to be in his place right now….i am so confuesed by him…i have called us off a few times but he keeps pulling me right back……can someone help…
Hi..is this guy married?
I’m having the same situation, but we do not work together, the age gap is less and he’s is married and extremely bored with his cookie cutter PJ wife.
i was in that exact same shoes.. do yourself a favor and run.. run as fast as you can.. he will only break your heart to no end.. and possibly take you for a lot of money if he hasn’t all ready.. i did enter into another fwbr just the other day.. 7 years after this last experience.. this one is quite different so far as there seems to be a mutual respect and trust between us. i have all ready known him for a long time and this idea between us came up.so we will be exploring this.
To: Blackitikat
I am black and I believe those statistics.
Another statistic: of all the women who are HIV positive in the U.S. > 55% are black women.
There is also a higher rate of single parenting homes in the black community.
I am not saying that other cultures are “better” than the black culture, but we should not be so ignorant as to pull a racist card because facts put us in a negative light.
Maybe that’s the problem: we are so busy screaming “Racism!” that we fail to focus on how we can become people.
correction:
…we fail to focus on how we can become better people.
For me when I have feelings for a girl I’ve met, I go off them once I’ve slept with them. Since my last girlfriend, I’ve only had one night things, and if I have liked the girl before having sex with them, I normally stop liking them by next day. I fancied a girl I met, she was in a 3 year relationship, but I fancied her anyway and knew I wouldnt ever have her. But then one night we ended up sleeping together and I immediately had no more feelings for her. I wonder why that is
because you are a jerk and you can’t stick to one. You only like to play you are not commited/were not commited to her so. wEll it’s good she didn’t have your children then. how mean. as if you used her like that she was trying to be nice to you and be there as a friend but no you just HAD to be that jerk that all he thinks about is sex. And also you could be that guy who just like to hurt people. I don’t know I hope not!
Dismissive-avoidant attachment style. Look it up.
thas reaaalllllyyyyy sad!! i think u mite actually have problems. Soooooo oshallow
@ Jack: The thrill of the chase is gone, so you move on. Sounds like you’re a ‘hunter’…that one wasn’t on the list…lol
hey…
I have this guy friend in college whom I became really tight with we were really close till we *cliche*went out 1 nyt had a few and ended up in the sack.it was very awkward the next morning and at college,we spoke less I felt really bad cause I started developing feelings for him,and was to shy to speak to him about.After a few months it happened again but we were sober and the whole awkward thing happened again..then he started talking to me and being nice again,that led to a nother lustful night..now I feel like I am letting him use me and I don’t kno whether to call this a FWB situation..