“We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal [to be] that which others have made of us.”
~Jean-Paul Sartre
While I’m happy that the election turned out the way it did, I worry about all that’s expected of our new president-elect. Headlines report Obama is expected to solve the health care debacle, save the American car industry, right the mortgage problem, make science and education a priority again, keep the globe from warming, cure race relations… There’s more but you get my point.
A lot of these expectations Obama set upon himself. He won by being the adult in the room, the go-to guy; he wanted the job and we expect he can handle it.
But it got me thinking about the rest of us. When is the pressure of expectations a good thing? When is it bad? How do you tell the difference? And what do you do about it if it’s bad?
My parents expected my siblings and I to be happy (sounds good) and to be physicians (not so good). My father, a medical doctor for whom medicine was a calling, just didn’t get that we might not share his passion. We got these mixed messages throughout our childhood: “You can be anything you want as long as you study hard and become a Doctor.” I’m getting a headache just remembering.
Now I’m not about blaming the parents. We have to take responsibility for ourselves at some point. But a boatload of depression and anxiety can result while we figure it out.
After trying and hating pre-med in college I floated. I didn’t even realize I was depressed until my dad suggested I go into therapy. With the help of a terrific psychologist I realized I was trying so hard to please my parents I had lost myself. Happy ending, yes? Uh, no.
The trouble with parental expectations is that they begin so early in our development they become hard-wired into the brain. Those voices we have in our head? Usually it’s a mix of our voice and a crowd of well-intentioned relatives shouting,
- “Eat more, children are starving somewhere!”
“You are such an idiot! Can’t you do anything right?”
“Don’t take any risks. It’s a dangerous world out there!”
We carry these voices around with us even after the original source is long dead. So as much as I had insight into my ‘parent pleasing’ ways, finding and using my true voice was another matter.
My particular ghost told me that to be a professional meant being super conservative in manner. That was great for the mid-twentieth century when psychoanalysis, my Dad’s chosen specialty, was in its heyday. It won’t do for my 21st century psychotherapy practice or for me.
How do you tell if parental expectations are good or bad?
Write down the expectation. Look at it and ask yourself, “Does that sound like me or someone else? If it is someone else, is it a kind, encouraging voice or is it harsh?” Encouraging for me was to hear my parents say, ‘we expect you to achieve.’ I could embrace that voice. But look out, because even kind voices can tie us up tighter than a straitjacket. Many parents, me included, tell their kids to ‘be careful’ when what they need to hear is ‘believe in yourself enough to take a chance.’
What do you do about it once you’ve identified a toxic expectation?
Talk back. Don’t just let it go unchallenged, argue with it. I use a dialog box a variation on the old pros and cons list. Just a piece of paper divided into two columns, on the left I start with the harsh/negative voice and then on the right I respond with something closer to My voice. This goes back and forth, because of course it isn’t as easy as “You suck” on one side and “Shut up” on the other, although that’s not an entirely bad idea. Usually I have to write the argument down until I’ve exhausted the negativity. Eventually the dialogues get shorter. This takes practice. I’m still practicing, as you can see.
Let go of the need to be mini versions of them. This is probably the hardest for me. I admire my dad too much. I tend to see him as the ultimate professional. My therapist helped me accept that my dad was probably more like me (doing my best, imperfectly) than I needed to be like my distorted idea of who he was. It’s an ongoing struggle for me to accept that my dad’s way is not my way and, most importantly, that that’s actually a good thing.
Visualize declaring independence from that person’s expectations and having it be OK. I imagine my dad in heaven having a fit over my indiscreet exposure of my life on a global public network. I have to be OK with that, give him back the responsibility to handle it and have faith that his love for me will win out.
This is a lot harder when the person involved is alive and kicking and in your face but the principle is the same. If another person’s expectations are really tying you down you may need to detach yourself from them temporarily while you get used to considering your own expectations first. If that means not calling your mom every day or skipping a Sunday dinner at the old homestead so be it. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. Just keep in mind some limit setting may be necessary to reset your expectation button.
Don’t think you have to tell them what you’re doing. Confronting parents for their past foibles, I don’t see the point of it in all cases. They are unlikely to understand and only feel hurt. Instead just do what you need to do to own your expectations and let go of theirs if they are getting in your way. In my experience when adult children of overbearing parents begin to dare to live their own lives the reaction isn’t nearly as explosive as they expect it to be.
I’ve made the decision to jettison others’ expectations about as many times as I’ve started diets. No matter how hard I try to avoid it that evil little voice pops up to say, “Ooooo, don’t shine too brightly. You might offend someone.” There’s no totally killing it but at least we can turn down the volume way down.
So let’s take a page from our President-elect Obama. Despite being the focus of the expectations of the world I don’t see him acting in a way to suggest this paralyzes him. It’s the least I can do to be clear about my own expectations which I’ve boiled to this: I expect to do give life my best shot and to make mistakes along the way. Because whether we’re President or a humble blogger we can all expect to be human.
17 comments
I also had a Dad (and Mom) with unbeleivably high expectations for me…I appreciate your thoughts and insights. It’s not easy to deal with such parents and its hard to sort out what is genuinely our goals and the ones drummed in from the crib.
I had a second chance to review this issue in life when I had a severe strok at age 32. I had completed my masters’ (but not me Ph.D.)in psychology. I hadn’t come to grips with the dilemma of whether my effort toward a Ph.D. was more my parent’s goal or mine and as a result I was in a stand still mode when I had the CVA. Suddenly all expectations evaporated! Not a good way to solve it.
I totally agree that its hard to let go of those toxic expectations that we allow others to place on us.
However as I read Dr. Aletta’s blog entry I realized that this is a critical issue for parents. As an active father I realize that while I want the best for my kids it will be way too easy to try to mold them to be who I want them to be instead of letting them grow up to be who they want to be.
It feels like a balancing act worthy of Cirque du Soleil to provide them enough love and guidance while allowing them to discover their own path to happiness and joy.
This should be part of a parenting book! Thanks for the great insight!!!
Wonderful writing. I have share many of the concerns about expectations as outlined by Dr. Aletta. Please continue more essays by this author! Thank you. HG
It seems to me that there’s no way NOT to have expectations. At times I’ve thought that I didn’t have any, really, about some thing or other, until I found myself saying “That’s not what I expected.” So we have to live with the expectations of others, as well as our own.
I, too, am the daughter of a psychiatrist. Dad used to denigrate psychologists and said that anyone who wanted to work with people suffering from mental illness or similar problems should become a psychiatrist. While his attitude may have contributed to my not majoring in psychology in undergraduate school, it didn’t stop me from getting my doctorate some years later. Somewhere along the line, I realized that Dad, though very bright and well-read, didn’t in fact know everything, and that it was possible to disagree with him and be right.
Dr. Aletta mentions parents’ telling their children to be careful. One of the things I’m most grateful to my parents for is that they always supported the things I wanted to do and made me feel confident in myself. I asked my mother once, after becoming a parent myself, why she and my father had let me do some of the perhaps more challenging things I wanted to do. She said that her own parents had damaged her self-confidence by saying things like “You’ll never be able to manage that” and “That’s too challenging for you.” She vowed she would never do that to her children, and as far as I know, she never did.
As for Obama, I’ll bet he has the expectation thing under control. I’m looking forward to the next 4 (or 8) years.
I love my parents and am grateful that they loved me enough to encourage me to excel academically and physically in sports activities as I was growing up. And I spent a fair amount of time with risky behaviors that caused my mother some grief. I suffered some guilt because of many missed curfews and the ensuing teary-eyed confrontations with my parents. I had always thought that I was not encumbered in any way by my parents’ expectations, but this blog post revealed something else to me about my current approach to life some 40 years later. My very traditional parents are very happy and proud of me for the work that I do in a very stable job at a major public institution, but they would be appalled to learn that I was contemplating striking out on my own with a new business venture. I won’t tell them, because their expectation is that it would be foolish to give up a bird in hand for an unknown payoff. Perhaps I have delayed seeking out new opportunities more than I should have. The subliminal mini-parental versions and the postponed declaration of independence that were described made a lot of sense to me. Thanks for the insight.
Nice article
I appreciated this article/blog entry. I’ve had a lot of expectations for myself that I now think were really my parents’ or intimate partners’ expectations. I don’t think I’ve ever given myself the time to look at who I want to be or what I want from life, so I’ve done nothing rather than fail. My parents taught me that failure was a character defect&therefor deserved punishment for failing. I was told exclusively that I’d never succeed at anything&I’ve lived up to that parental expectation. What a waste! I would love to read something about others like me who were never allowed to try something we wanted to do because we would always fail. Hmm…I was expected to fail&I’ve lived up to that expectation. Not good for me. I need to learn to decide what I want¬ be afraid to go for it. If I fail, it’s not the end of the world that my parents’ made any failure out to be.
Laura,
Gandhi said,”Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err.” Or in American English…”Being free to make mistakes [to fail] is true freedom.” I believe in failure as it contributes to wisdom. I’m so glad you are allowing yourself that freedom.
“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” ~Robert F. Kennedy
(I love a good quote.)
Only recently did I truly realize what a profound impact nurturing and parenting has on an individual’s life. Having great expectations and setting achievements for one’s child is only one aspect of parenting that molds the individual and this can be either positive or negative. This is an insightful article that could be applied to many aspects of parenting. As a parent of four I am always questioning and seeking knowledge on how to be a better parent. Thank you!
Yes recognizing the impact of parental expectations and outgrowing them is a lifelong journey. Most of our failures and confusions can be traced back to what our parents taught us and therefore inadvertently did not teach us. The happier one’s relationship with one’s parents, the more subtle is the ‘toxic’ influence and therefore more difficult to read and recognize. Interestingly, for me, the close relationship I shared with my parents has helped me place their influence both toxic and non-toxic. into perspective. As i have grown older and become me and not a version of me that my parents thought I would be; I have been able to see the parents simply as people, who were doing their best to give their offspring a good life but not always knowing what was right. Now that we are all adults we look back and talk about decisions and expectations and there are times each of the parent had ‘admitted’ that they did not always know why they insisted on something.
Parental influence is too deep-rooted to be erased, and persists even when we ‘become ourselves.’
Parents can truly be the foundation of two things in a child’s life: 1. failure or 2. achievement. This can relate to anything such as pushing children academically or not pushing them at all, spoiling them or not showing them love, nurturing too much or not enough. I would imagine finding a neutral position in parenting is hard. You don’t want to cause your children to dislike you and become emotionally unstable because of too high expectations. However, you don’t want your children to never gain motivation for life either. There is certainly a thin line and being a good parent consists of being able to walk that thin line.
My mother had high expectations for me and luckily I turned out okay. Most significantly,however, she always let me now that “to be human is to error,” and I think we all need to let our children know this. We are hurting them when we make them think life is about being perfect.
NO ONE IS! Our society is “pathologically” obsessed with being perfect and multitasking and accomplishing things perfectly. This really needs to stop and once this does, I’m sure high parental expectations will become more fair and neutral as well. If there are no competitors, then there’s no need to “feel perfect.”
In addition, I have a strong feeling that there are psychological connotations to parents who hold high expectations for their children. Somewhere they feel void or either didn’t accomplish or felt they accomplished something they deemed great or utopia. The children are a means by which the parent(s) relive their lives.
Superbly clear, intense, honest advice. I hope it reaches a lot of readers. I am with those commentators who view this article as much a guide to parenting as it is to becoming an independent and mature adult in the face of hefty expectations. The balance must be tough to find in all ages, past and present. These days lack of time seems make the parent-child issue that much harder. A very warm and heartfelt piece of professional advice. Thank you!
Thanks to everyone who commented; you are all so insightful.
Dr. Howe: For good or bad, the traumatic moments in our lives often inspire us to look beyond what others expect from us. I’m sorry you suffered a stroke (especially at such a young age). It says so much about you that your recovery included achieving your PhD for you and not to fulfill your parent’s expectation.
Dr. Gomez: Thanks for the support!
Steve, Theodora & Tamra: Parenting wasn’t my intended focus in writing this article however clearly it hit a nerve for those of us trying to do the right thing for our kids. Your observations of how tricky it is to balance needed guidance and encouraging self-discovery for our kids are thoughtful and profound.
Dr. Lockwood: You point to an important step in growing out of others’ expectations–accepting that out parents “didn’t know everything…” It took me way too long to figure this out! I’m glad you were quicker than I was and your Mom sounds wonderful.
Bad to the Bone: Congratulations on liberating yourself from those expectations that didn’t fit you anymore. It is never to late to take that leap.
Twara: You are so right. This is a life-long journey. Accepting that our parents are just human beings who did their best and forgiving them, is a significant part of liberating ourselves to be ourselves. Thanks.
Thanks for the insights! I love the idea of the pros and cons in dialogue form. I will definitely try that.
Great reading! It certainly causes one to stop and evaluate their own experiences. Hopefully it leads to a great Christmas for some!
Great post. This happens to a lot of people. Parents should realize how much they pressure their children into pursuing what they are told. Parents should get to know their children and what they really want. And if the course the child want to take is not what they expect, parents should still support their child’s decision.
The truth is I feel most of the time limited to the boundaries of their complements and advice, where I know deep within me, I am so much more. If I could only learn to detach and connect to my own intuitive awareness and draw from that energy and mindset while allowing them to play around with their own inabilities.