Sometimes the killer of relationships isn’t a lack of trust, a lack of communication or arguing with your significant other. It’s simple indifference.
A relationship can survive most things if both people involved in it are committed to the other person and act with respect toward the other. It can survive the death of our parents or the birth of a child. It can sometimes even survive an indiscretion (although such a behavior shows a shocking lack of respect for one’s partner). It can survive layoffs and career changes, of going back to school, or buying your first home together. It usually can even survive the wedding, one of the most stressful things adults go through in their lives.
A relationship can survive angry tirades and arguments that span endless lonely days and nights. Anger means you care, even though you are caring in such a way as to negatively affect your partner. Relationships can, with some difficulty, survive lack of communication or communication problems.
Communication is one of the key ingredients to a successful relationship. Successful couples don’t always agree, but they let each other know what’s going on in their lives, and how they’re feeling (especially when their partner does something that sparks a particular emotional response in the other person). Relationships survive with poor communication, although they tend not to be happy ones.
What a relationship has real difficulty surviving is when two people have gone into “autopilot” mode and become indifferent toward one another. When you’ve given up on emotion entirely, when you feel nothing toward the other person, that’s a difficult thing to come back from. Communication appears to be taking place, but it’s just shallow talk — like two acquaintances might do who just met on a plane.
Think about it. Even when we argue, we communicate with the other person — we express our disappointment, hurt or anger for some perceived slight or harm. When we distrust our significant other (for whatever reason), it hurts because we care enough to want to trust them in the first place. Cheating hurts most people not because of the act itself, but because of the basic violation of trust and respect in the relationship. The fact that it hurts, however, signals we care. If we didn’t care, it wouldn’t hurt us.
Indifference is not caring what the other person does in a relationship. There are no arguments, so everything may seem okay on the surface. Arguing stops because you don’t care if you were right or felt hurt by another person’s words or actions. Trust isn’t an issue, because you don’t care about earning or having the other person’s trust (or trusting them).
You interact every day in a vacuum where everything seems okay, because neither of you cares whether it is or not. It’s a perfect illusion that you both have silently agreed to live. But it’s not a relationship at that point anymore. And it’s hardly living.
Ideally, relationships help us not only love another human being, but grow as a person. They teach us lessons about life that otherwise would be difficult to learn, lessons about communication, listening, compromise, and giving selflessly of yourself and expecting nothing in return. Of learning to live with another human being and all that entails.
When we’ve closed ourselves down in a relationship, we’ve shut off caring. We’ve shut off growth. We’ve shut off learning. And we’ve shut off life.
Indifference doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship, however. If caught early enough, it’s a warning sign that something has gone horribly awry with the relationship, with caring about the other person and your feelings for them. If both people in the relationship listen to that warning sign and seek help for it (for instance, with a couples counselor), there’s a good chance the relationship can survive if both people want it to.
Beware indifference in a relationship. If your automatic response to your significant other’s question always seems to be, “Whatever,” that may be a sign that it’s creeping up on you. If you still care about the other person in your life and the relationship’s future, you’ll listen to it.
40 comments
Totally agree with this point – it’s also a difficult one to fight against as it can creep up on a relationship. The counter to indifference is passion
Give me time please. I’ve been a user and admirerer ( love that sp erroe ) of you and your site for years. Do you link your kind of ‘indifference’ with the dismissal type of attachment?
Thank for your efforts.
What the **** is wrong with people acting like they care at the beginning of a relationship then turning to indifference after a few months? I never stop caring, or doing the things that show I care, regardless of how much time has passed. I’ve heard that in order to attract people who are genuinely kind and caring, you have to be that kind of person. Why isn’t it working, then? Our world is built on lies, you know. God has forgotten all of us and left us to die in suffering for the choices that other people made long ago. Boycott God! Let him know that we will stand up against the hipocrisy that he has allowed to accrete within humanity!
God is not to blame for your or anyone else’s problems. We are responsible for our own actions. And our actions and our choices directly affect our lives and what happens in them. God gave us a will to choose. But, He never expected us to do it all on our own. He wants us to rely on His help. He is our Father, which makes Him someone who loves us and wants the best for us and wants to be there to help when we need Him. We need to ask Him what to do in our lives to make them happy and productive. He wants an intimate connection with our souls. Take responsibility for your life if you’re not going to let God help you make it a better one. Don’t discredit Him and try to convince others that it’s His fault instead of your own. Tired of God getting the blame for everybody’s mistakes.
Your reply is the kind that requires the proverb that a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. God really is not to be blamed.
Our rewards are not of this world.. God loves you and me. We can only keep our side of the street clean, I avoid looking at the spiritual wars going on, they are scary and way too big for us humans. God has a plan for all of us.
I was puzzled by the fact that my last relationship ended so quickly after he made a commitment to the relationship. In the beginning there was laughter, love meeting of minds so close we would finish each others sentences or say the exact same thing at the same time.He lied to me about being celebate for over 6 years as he then said I have had an AIDS test not long ago if you want to see it. I never called him on it.He never in the while time I was with him called me by my given name,he would not answer why. I would love to know what others think and also why I cannot after 3 years banish him from my heart and mind.
Helen I think you thought you were in love with him because of the way things were at the beginning and that didn’t let you see the negatives of the relationship. You can’t forget him because you fell in love with the illusion of being in love with him.
my boyfriend of 2 and a half years just broke up with me and this seems to say exactly what was happening inour relationship. I care but he just didn’t seem to anymore. He never made plans that automatically included me, he refused to commit to any plans I tried to make, there was no passion left in our relationship. All this really confusedme and I was unable to get an answer from him as to what was wrong. I cared so much for him but could not understand why he didn’t feel the same way. It was definitely indifference. I can see that now. I was willing to try councelling and he initially agreed but then wouldn’t let me make an appointment. I feel really hurt and don’t know what I could have done differently to avoid this situation from arising and killing our relationship. I hope that just being aware of it in the future may help me spot the signs earlier before all is lost.
@Helen
I don’t call people by their names
usually. This just means I have a
distance to people I don’t know
very well. For me, using the name
is kind of personal and a bit
intimate.
I have to really like someone and
trust the person to call Him/Her
by Her/His name. (unless it’s
necessary to shout to someone
from far away)
Maybe it’s just me, but I think the
guy just didn’t like You that much.
I think sometimes ‘indifference’ develops after you have ‘felt’ too much, and for too long, and nothing has changed.
Like this: First you really ‘love’ him so much. Then he hurts you so much. Then you get ‘angry’ so much, and from there you stop caring altogether.
That’s exactly the place my bf pushed me into and now he keeps blaming me for being “indifferent”. Didn’t get here intentionally but it’s ohk since I can’t put my heart through the over and over again hurt. Funny thing is I still care a lot, just don’t know how to show it anymore.
I think I am there right now. Tired of being hurt so I’ve withdrawn most of my feelings.
Reading this comment in 2018. And this is EXACTLY where I’m at after almost 19 years of marriage.
I’m just so tired of doing caring for both of us.
At this point I feel like attempts to try and save this are like trying to revive a 3 day old corpse. Its like Why would you want to anymore?
This is spot on. Amen.
Yes some good points raised, I have seen this very much in older relationships, couples who have been married for more than 15 years or so with Children. My own marriage broke down however not because of indifference but acceptance and then lack of real love. there was still some caring and concern but the passion was gone. I can now feel the difference with my new relationship because the feelings of love, passion and true caring have returned. there is acceptance of each other but not a lack of care.Its interesting to consider now do people show indifference because they really just don’t care or is it to prevent being hurt anymore…or perhaps both!!
Hi, I really like your points. I am in similar situation as you described in your ex-marriage, but I’m very stuck, I don’t know how to move forward. I am very much in God and that I should never give up and leave, but I really don’t know what to do. I am in so much pain and my hurt is so bitter all the time.
What was the trigger that finally made you us decide to seperate?? Were there mentally abuse in the end of absolutely just no communication or feelings any more??
thanks for all your advise in advance.
Florence, you got it. Me, 29 years of marriage, 3 kids, one drug-addict, other two fine. I think that I used my wife to bring my kids. Barely I have lived with her from 7 to 9 years. Other time traveling and finding ways to be far from her, but responsible with my economic obligations. Now I try to live together, it is to cold for me, for her, she is still in love for me. For my drug-addict son I take the challenge to live with her. I am finding the way to kill the indifference.
I feel the same. Ive been married 31 years. My husband wont talk to me. He never has. Ive tried to get him to open up a little, and he just closes down more. He wont tell me how he feels about anything. We have never gone out and done things together, or shared even a single friend. 31 years together and I barely know his best friends from childhood, he sees almost everyday. Im a very open person, and I need companionship with people.. I thought he’d eventually come around, but he wasnt interested. Now the kids are grown and gone, and its just me and him. Ive never felt so lonely. I wake up every morning, and the deafening silence brings me to tears within minutes. Hes never cared about my happiness or my pain. He has never been interested or concerned about my life. I accepted this reality many years ago. I have taught myself not to care anymore. I look at him and i dont feel anything. No love no hate. Becoming indifferent for me was an act of survival when all hope was lost.
I feel for you. My husband is same as yours. Feel like I talk to wall or myself. Could be because i am Asian wife that makes me n him hard to have a conversation. i tried to find out way to get along but he avoids and wants to be alone n doing his own things..
Believe me, it’s definitely the latter. To prevent being hurt over and over again. Funny thing is your heart kinda does that, u rarely do it intentionally.
it’s a myth that people date and marry people that they’re “into.” in reality they date and even marry people they are indifferent to (and sometimes dont even like or respect.they may even be AFRAID of them).most people date and marry people that they can USE.they dont date and marry people that they’re “into.”
what to do if one is indifferent most of the time but the other’s not??????
Indifference comes after years of fighting for a great relationship only to find your spouse so selfish, irresponsible, and disrespectful that you finally just give up trying.
@Robert-Exactly! I didn’t even know it happened.
what do you do when a person who took every pain to get to know you, gathered every possible, however insignificant detail about you, cared and respected you,in a matter of days becomes busy as hell not to be able to take out two minutes of his time?
do you fake indifference to gauge their reaction, if they still care?
In my relationship it is i who has become indifferent. My boyfriend and i have known each other for eleven years. Dated on and off for two years and finally moved in together a few months ago. Almost immediately after moving in he became impossible to communicate with. He’s always had problems with socializing but before the move i didn’t receive blank stares and shoulder shrugs. It was like he became terrified to talk to me or even respond to my attempt at a conversation. We would spend an entire day without communicating in the slightest and then at night only after i had fallen asleep he would attempt to have sex which i was obviously not in the mood for after the awkward day beforehand. He had finally agreed to counseling and we went to our first session but i feel like i have already given up. I honestly don’t feel i would be the least bit bothered if he were to cheat on me or break up with me at this point. Is there any hope for this or should i just accept this as reality and move on?
Been married 28 years. First few were bliss. We couldn’t get enough of each other. Talked about everything. Felt extremely close. Gradually, he wouldn’t talk about our future, having a home like we wanted, retirement,intimacy or lack of it, our relationship. Nothing personal or directly related to our relationship. If I try to talk to him, he just cuts off the conversation. If I try to insist or even beg him for a conversation, he will look like a deer in the headlights and then escape out the door with the premise the dog needs walking. He has left me like that knowing I was hurting and crying. I sometimes want him to talk to me so bad I will try to push an argument, saying fight with me. Please, if you care, care enough to talk to me or fight with me. He just stands there for a couple of minutes and then silently walks out. Three years ago, I went to visit my family out of town,and just couldn’t go home. He called me constantly saying how much he missed me and loved me and if I didn’t come home he would come get me. I had begged him to move from where we live for 10 years because I hate I there. We live almost next to his parents in the woods almost. And they are mean to me and watch me all the time and put me down to him. I told him I would come home if we could move. He said yes and I made him promise and he did. He told me he was not happy and didn’t want to be there without me. If I told the one I loved if they would come home to me I would find us another home where they and both of us could be happy. He has, one time, in three years said let’s go look for a house. I look but if the house is smaller, he points out it’s too small. If I find a larger one, he ALWAYS finds some little thing wrong or he doesn’t like. There was one home I absolutely fell in love with. I felt like I was home there. I wanted to be there so bad. I could see the sky and the stars and the sunset from it’s little porch. He said he didn’t like the stucco. It was only on the dormers! How hard would that be to replace? He’s a carpenter! He dawdled til it sold. I still cry about it after three years. Our porch is rotting and falling down. Our gutters are overflowing and washing away the soil I wheelbarrowed one load at a time a ling way from the woods to keep the water away from our foundation because it leaked and let water under the house that caused mold that I had to beg him to bleach when I would get bronchitis and asthma from it. Our place looks so bad, I am ashamed to have friends over and we have no room for anything or company. It’s very small. My Mom passed away two yesrs ago and there was a little money that my brother and I divided. I bought us a couch, took us on vacation a couple of times and helped my son with bills. I told him I wanted to put the rest in the bank because if something happened to him,it would take a long time to collect insurance and retirement. It made me feel more secure. I wasn’t trying to hide it from him . I didn’t put him on the account, but he makes really good money and I can’t work and have no other means to make more money. I am in too bad health to hold a job, with depression, anxiety attacks, Narcolepsy, frequent migraines, severe allergies to environs and foods and so many medicines and I’ve had two back surgeries from ruptured disks from two car accidents. He is beneficiary. That was two years ago.
Friday, he came home and told me we were going to the bank and I would put him on my account and we would use it for payments on an extended warranty on my Jeep. He would add a little extra money over that cost each payday. I didn’t want to. That is mine. I gave every true excuse not to. He wouldn’t budge. You’d gave to know him to know why I did it. He is spiteful. If I thought he has been quiet, I would never hear a word from him and he’d not put a warranty on my Jeep and if it broke down, I’d just be stuck. We did it and he even asked the bank for a debit card for my account. I wondered and asked him why we couldn’t use our checking account we have had together all these years or open another one. He mumbled something about the old one about not having all our money in one place and said no, no reason to open a new one when I had one already. I feel violated, lied to, insignificant, unloved, distrustful and more and more indifferent. I sm sitting in a littlctown 15 mikes from home in a parking lot writing this because I dont want to go home. He just spent the past two weekends working iutsude in the 90 degree heat and the rain on the paved street parking visitors to an event which he is a member of the museum holding the event. Yet, it is always too hot to fix anything on our house. Even after all this, he claims to love me and says it every day. But he can’t hold me for over 5 seconds? I have asked him for years to please hold me. Not happening. I pray. But I need some input about this . So then my prayers can be on target. Or is it a lost cause?
This was written in 2014. I’m replying in 2018. Here’s what I know: you’re codependent. Who cares what he’s doing. Focus on you, go to alanon. Get therapy. Leave him or don’t but fix yourself. Put all your money into it. Good luck.
Honestly, I’d never come across this quote until just last night when my boyfriend tried to use it to blame me for everything wrong in our relationship. Why he’s trying to make me look bad is something I don’t get because he’s the one who succeeded in getting me to the point where I’m so hurt I can’t even get mad at him again for my own sanity. He won’t let go and he won’t be good, what am I to do?
Indifference happens in other relationships. I had a job of my dreams. Often I would get so caught up in my work Is forget the time, and would work over (without pay) I didn’t care loved the job. Then along cane new boss (I worked in a church office) my new pastor. Well my dream job left. Nothing I could do he let me know right up front I don’t think I will be able to work with you. I was so, I don’t know stunned I just knew I could show him what a help I could be and he would see the skills and knowledge I had and he’d see what a little prize In was.NO Way his indifference = my self destruction. I quit I’m sad.
What a painful action. Even in other relationships such as pastor/boss. When does a pastor stop being a pastor to be a hard nose boss. Yes I’m very hurt/angry. I’m lost normally I would talk with my pastor. But its the pastor the center of my pain/anger.
Ever since I’ve known him…I have tried every single day to hold my patience. ..telling myself that its all going to be fine once we r married and our famikies agree. Now that we r together I see no change…but even till today I hold patience. Deep down I can almost convince myself that nothings going to change abd my life is going to be hell. There isn’t a day when he doesn’t hurt me…be it by his actions behaviour or verbally. All I ask for is nothing but jusr kindness…not money…not time…just to be kind. It hurts me bad every single time to think how could one be so naive…and claim to love me so much. Its true I think he just loves the illusion of being in love n controlling…probably the same way I was in an illusion and got married. All that I’ve done was fir him. Now that we’ve moved to a different country…I feel someday I might just die from crying. How could someone not be kind..or behave properly. I’ve always loved everything about children…I’ve decided painfully that with this man I’d rather not hav any. I do not want my child to grow up with a father like this.
@Maggie’sMama, I’m in the same situation. We’ve been married 19 years. A first he couldn’t get enough of being around me, then the downfall started when he wanted his name on everything I owned previous to marriage – mainly my home. I was pregnant with our first child, and after the death of my grandmother, he nagged me constantly about how the house was falling apart and we needed to get it repaired before the baby came. He harped day and night for me to put his name on the house, so we could get a home improvement loan. Knowing that I was fatigued from pregnancy, and gran’s recent passing, he continued and I gave in just to have some peace. Needless to say, after $35,000.00 that I never saw, and within 3 years we had to file bankruptcy and now we rent and pay 800.00 a month for the last 14 years… That’s my fault though as I shouldn’t have gave in. But he’s expert at persistence in getting what he wants. Even after that he still acted like I was important to him.
After the kids were born, he was proud of them, and played with them, but after they got old enough to form their own opinions he pulled away and began to see them as someone to do things for him especially since he’s now disabled and uses a wheelchair; oddly though he doesn’t seem to need much help when he goes on trips by himself… He doesn’t even treat them as if they have feelings anymore and this hurts them. My youngest said recently to me that ‘Joe’ (name changed for privacy) is more of a father to him than his own. In the last 8 to 9 years, my husband had become totally indifferent to me and the children. For instance, he focuses entirely on his disabled sports, and neglects helping out with household expenses including groceries. I buy groceries and pay bills for the family, but he buys foods, junk foods, sodas, and clothing only for himself. He never considers his sons needing clothing unless I tell him he has to. This last Christmas, I spent 70.00 on new shoes for him, 40.00 on a new sweater, and about 100.00 on other gifts for him yet I get from him, thrift store clothes, and 1.99 jewelry as Christmas presents from him, and this includes the kids gifts with the exception of new jeans for them – the rest was thrift store stuff. He is constantly on the lookout to find disabled sporting events to buy travel tickets to, and hotels to stay in while there, as well as continually looking for sponsors to fund his activities or getting equipment. I try talking to him about my concerns, and health problems (no insurance/no doctor) and he’ll act like he listens, but invariably changes the subject or buries his head in checking his phone for email, or sending his friends texts. It’s the same if I try to start an argument just to see if I can get a discussion going. Nothing fazes him, unless he thinks he might have missed out on an sporting event, or missed a televised sport he was looking forward to. As for the health insurance thing, he has Medicare and the VA, and he knows full well I haven’t been to a doctor in 15 years, but it doesn’t make an impression on him to even try to help. Forget Obamacare; can’t afford the deductibles.
Our youngest just had a birthday, but he didn’t get a present. His father spent money on clothes, snacks, and travel tickets on himself and didn’t have the money to get the present out of layaway. I did the best I could buy cooking the meal he wanted. The child was so understanding it broke my heart. He told me all he cared about for his birthday was knowing he was loved. I want to cry just thinking about it. I had to tell my husband he had to explain and apologize to our son. I had to tell him to do it for cryin’ out loud.
I’ve gone over in my head thousands of time trying to think what I, myself, might have done to cause this indifference, but I can’t come up with anything that’s plausible or sufficient enough to cause this sort of outcome. Now, if I were to leave him, I have no place to go, no place to for my kids, as all the monies that come into the home are in my husband’s name. Forget about other family to stay with as I don’t have that resource. I’ve not worked in public for 16 years because I wanted the kids to have a stay-at-home mom. What employer would hire a 56 year old woman who’s not been employed for that length of time? No one. I don’t even have a car. So I’m trapped. I guess I came here just to vent since I have no one else to be my sounding board.
My situation sounds very similar. Reading your post really makes me see just how badly we need to stop caring about these guys and get out own lives. They’re doing what they want with who they want whenever they want while we sit at home trying to figure out what’s wrong with us. Leaving all the creature comforts behind and adjusting to working again can seem daunting but as an outsider looking in I would tell you to get on with getting on. Take some classes, stop giving in to him, be selfish and prepare for a future where you are self sufficient. You’ll be so much happier if you can just stop worrying about how he feels. Now, I’m going to take my own advice because I know I’m right about what I’ve told you so the same must be true for me too. I hope you don’t need this advice anymore but if so good luck to you!
Indifference is so painful. In my personal experience, there are some things that help:
1. Open a bank savings account in your name only at a bank he never will visit. Make sure that the bank will never mail anything to your address. Get a private PO box at a mail service place if you have to and never let them mail you anything at your home address either. Start putting a small amount into the account regularly, even if it is only a few dollars. Having this money will give you a sense of worth, no matter how small the amount may be. NEVER mention this account to ANYONE!
2. Make some lady friends. You can meet ladies who are also struggling, if you just reach out. I made friends at a modest priced all woman’s gym and after some months we began to confide in each other. It is really helpful.
3. Do at least one thing for yourself, no matter how humble. Take a class or do a hobby that takes you out of the house. Do NOT attempt to get him to be supportive! Just do it and don’t talk about it except with your lady friends.
Gradually and slowly, if you build a life for yourself, his indifference will become less and less painful. You will also see his indifference more clearly for the cruelty that it is. As you grow stronger you will learn a to appreciate yourself more and sometimes, eventually, you decide to get away altogether. It takes time, but the effort is so worth it.
I’m in the process of doing exactly that , great advice
3 and a half years of loving, kindness, support and my mans indifference killed our relationship with a death breath.
Cruel, controlling, not interacting, insults sharp and painful interlaced eith a meanness that meant he expected gifts on his birthday, but gave nothing on mine.
I walked. I have blocked all communication
… don’t we all just want the same thing…
to be loved for the person within…..
Indifference doesn’t allow this….
I just ended my 17-month relationship two nights ago. The main reason why: she came into the relationship with an indifferent attitude, I did not. I’m the kind of guy who genuinely enjoys planning dates and putting thought into the little things, made this very clear early on and she seemed receptive. However, we were doomed from the start.
Once I realized my efforts weren’t reciprocated, I started giving less. It didn’t feel right, and it didn’t feel appreciated. Eventually went on autopilot as well, and then I ended it. I really cared about her, and I know she did for me as well. But I just couldn’t do it.