“I think I’m in love with my therapist. What’s wrong with me? What should I do?”
It is not unusual to feel strong feelings of “love” or affinity toward your therapist. But those feelings probably aren’t what you think.
Psychodynamic theory suggests the reason that many people fall in love with their therapist is because they are repeating emotional patterns they experienced as children toward their parents. This behavior and set of feelings was first described by Sigmund Freud who coined the term “transference” to describe it. He discovered transference after noting this many of his mostly-female clients would start describing their own romantic feelings toward him. In some patients, the feelings were not romantic, but instead more childlike and Freud took on a parental role in the patient’s mind. It was as though Freud became their father figure, and the tempestuous relationship would then play out in his office.
Freud described this process over a hundred years ago, and therapists and their clients still deal with this issue even in modern psychotherapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy. Because the process itself is a very real possible side effect of psychotherapy, although it doesn’t happen to everyone in all therapeutic situations.
Why Does Transference Occur?
Nobody can say for certain why transference seems to be a process of many people’s psychotherapy, regardless of the actual background of the therapist or focus of therapy. Goal-focused, short-term psychotherapy is no guarantee that transference won’t occur. Some cognitive-behavioral therapists, in their efforts to focus on empirically-based treatments, simply ignore these feelings when they come up in the course of psychotherapy. Others downplay their importance.
Transference likely occurs because the therapeutic environment is generally seen as a safe, supportive and nurturing environment. Therapists are seen as accepting, positive influences in our lives, but sometimes also as authoritative guides. In these various roles, a therapist can inadvertently step into roles previously occupied in our lives by one of our parents. Or a client can become infatuated with the seemingly endless supply of wisdom and positive self-regard some therapists exude. The effects can be just as intoxicating as one’s first love. In this increasingly detached world, someone who spends nearly a full hour with our undivided attention may become quite godlike.
Therapists may also represent an individual in a person’s life that provided the unconditional acceptance (and perhaps love) that we all seek from important others in our life. Our mother. Our father. A sibling. A lover. A therapist doesn’t ask for a person to be anything other than themselves. And in the honest emotional environment that’s so often found in the best therapists’ office, it’s easy to idealize (and in some cases, idolize) the accepting, caring professional who sits across from us.
I Think I’m in Love! Now What?
So you feel like you’re in love with your therapist and while intellectually you may understand that this is just a normal process of psychotherapy for some, you still need to do something about it.
The first thing to understand is that this is not anything you should be ashamed or afraid of. This type of transference is not an uncommon feature of psychotherapy, and these kinds of feelings are not something you can simply just turn on and off at will. Having these feelings for your therapist is not “unprofessional” nor does it cross any kind of therapeutic boundaries.
Second, talk to your therapist. Okay, I know this is the hardest step, but it is also the most important. Your therapist should be experienced and trained in transference issues (yes, even the modern cognitive-behavioral therapists), and be able to talk to you about them in an open and accepting manner. As with most issues in therapy, bringing it out into the open and talking about it usually is sufficient to help most people in dealing with their feelings. Your therapist should also talk to you about ways you can better understand them in the context of your therapeutic relationship, family history and background, and what kinds of things you might be able to do to help and reduce their intensity.
Third, accept your feelings and continue in focusing on the reasons that brought you into therapy in the first place. For some people, this will be easy. Once they’ve discussed the issue with their therapist, they feel relieved — like a weight has been lifted off of their shoulders. For others, the process may be more difficult and require that some therapy time be spent further discussing these feelings with your therapist.
I should also note that if a therapist returns your feelings of love in any form whatsoever, it is a breach of the professional therapeutic relationship and ethics. Professional therapists are trained to cope with their own “counter-transference” issues, and in the U.S., a romantic relationship between a client and their therapist is considered unethical and verboten. You should consider ending your relationship with such a therapist and talking to your regional ethics board about filing a complaint.
“Falling in love” with your therapist is sometimes a normal process of psychotherapy. It only means that you’re feeling positive, intense feelings for another person who is helping you with important issues in your life. Do not run away from these feelings — or your therapist — in fear. Talk to your therapist about them, and chances are, it will help.
585 comments
[[In this increasingly detached world, someone who spends nearly a full hour with our undivided attention may become quite godlike.]]
I think this is the key. I would add that someone who gives us undivided attention AND cares about us unconditionally (even if they’re paid to) is absolutely ripe for “falling in love with.” Both those things are rare in the therapy patient’s world. (Or anybody’s, for that matter!)
and what happens when your therapist falls in love with you?
Good question… I’ll talk more about counter-transference and a therapist falling in love with his or her patient in a future article.
Thank God, and JMG! ! clear explanation and usable advice! So I’m not crazy (just a normal nutcase), after all.
I proudly admit that I fell in love with my therapist 30yrs. ago. It was the most healing aspect for me. At the time, I did not understand any intellectual or rational aspect/reason for my feelings. I tried to hide my strong feelings from myself and her. The more I ran the stronger the feelings grew uncomfortable. I finally admitted to her that I love her. Wow! I remember that day! I wanted to die, feeling very child like yet I had to tell her. We talked about my feelings. We talked about her feelings. Once I crossed that internal wall I was able to free myself in many ways. I grew from that day. Now many years later I have so much respect for both client and therapist! And yes I still love her, because she is a wonderful, intelligent, and life long role model for me and many others I imagine she also helped in the sometimes mysterious and deep process of therapy! Trust the process, respect yourself, and go for it!
Something else to keep in mind is that transference is potentially happening in every relationship. The way we interact with anyone, from spouses to shop clerks, is influenced by our earliest relationships. I think that therapy (and similar relationships with teachers, supervisors, etc.) can make it more pronounced but it’s something to keep in mind when you find yourself having an odd reaction to someone.
When I got a fierce old crush on my therapist I was mortified. First of all, I was old enough to be the guy’s mother, so I felt absolutely humiliated by the sheer folly of my passion. Second of all, my passion; the sexual fantasies about him were so intense, so elaborate and so constant. You say it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but I sure felt like a damned silly idiot every time I was in his office.
And I would have just died if I had thought he was aware of my feelings for him.
So here’s a little question I’ve worried about from time to time: do doctors know when their patients are in such an agonized state? (And if so, is there anything the therapist can do to ease the tension–without embarrassing the patient?)
If you wish to answer, JMG, please make the answer be, Oh no, we’re all clueless and never have any idea when such things happen . . . . .
My therapist encouraged me to get what “I needed” out of the relationship and ensured me that he holds these feelings close. The transference is the tool many therapists use to help the patient work through complicated feelings and affect. In many “modern” analytical therapies, this is an important aspect of the relationship. In other words, the transference is encouraged, and used as a building block for growth.
I started therapy 5 years ago and stopped (officially) around 2 1/2 years ago. During therapy my therapist told me she would always be there for me unless she died and that after therapy finished we could be friends. I wanted to believe her and I almost did but I always feared that she was just saying that to make me feel better and that her belief really was that I wouldn’t need her after therapy was over. I progressed alot with her and i think the “transference” aspect was effective in many ways … I loved her and still love her deeply. She moved to the other side of the world a year ago which was painstakingly difficult for me and since then (and also since the beginning of the therapy) we have stayed in contact very regularly and I have been to visit her in her new environment and yes, the relationship has become friendship, most of the time. We get on well and we understand each other sometimes without speaking. My issue is that I feel stuck. I care for her so much and she shows that she cares for me in various ways but I feel she is pulling away from me. I rely on her so much whenever i feel bad (I have BPD) and have extreme changes of mood sometimes and I feel that I disappoint her when I get like that. I still need her to be there in lots of ways, as a friend, as a mother but I wouldn’t have to ask my mother if I could come and visit tomorrow for example. I could just go. Her husband doesn’t seem to like me very much either… She came back for a few weeks recently and apart from telling me where she was and calling each other, she didn’t show any interest in seeing me and yet she was so close by. I know she was busy but it hurt me alot and other seemingly insignificant things like this hurt me also. I wrote to her about this but she never commented on it. i’m scared to push and ask questions as i don’t want to lose her but at the same time, I feel I need some answers.
I think it is risky to share your feelings with your therapist. Although they are trained to handle “transferrance,” they are still human. Better to read articles like this one, so you understand why you feel the way you do. Then, vent your feelings to a friend. I recently went to a therapist for treatment of depression. I developed intense feelings of tenderness and fondness for this man. I never shared my feelings with him, but after our last session I hugged him and kissed his cheek. He was always very ethical and professional with me. But given the tenderness we shared during that hug, I’m glad I kept my feelings to myself. He is a highly respected man in my community, and I am respected in my circle of friends and co-workers as well. You do the math…
To add to my comment above… Why risk tempting your therapist? He/she may have feelings for you as well. In my experience, if I have feelings for someone, then find out that they have feelings for me, it intensifies the attraction! Perhaps when this happens it’s best to seek out another therapist, for your sake and theirs. Remember the movie “Prince of Tides”?
ugh. i subscribe to psychcentral’s rss feed and saw this article and tried so hard not to click on the link, but here i am. i’m completely in love w/ my therapist and it’s one of the most painful experiences i’ve ever been in. i’ve been seeing her for several months at the clinic at a local university and we’re the same age (more or less, i’m assuming– she’s completely dead set against telling me anything personal about herself), have similar senses of humor, and, on the face of it, seem like we’d get along outside the therapeutic setting. i found her very attractive when i met her, but didn’t really think anything of it. i used to think my boss was attractive when i met her too, but my relationship w/ her always remained completely professional and over time my attraction to her waned. i thought the same would happen w/ my therapist; god, how wrong i was. for the first few months things were fine, but then i started to notice that i was thinking about her a lot and would miss her when i wasn’t in session. i knew i was transferring, and figured it would pass, but it’s just gotten worse. i told her in january that i have feelings for her, although i did not use the word “love.” i felt extremely embarrassed immediately after telling her, but she seemed very eager (almost happy) to talk about it. she always compares herself to my ex’s and tells me that “what happens out there can play out in here.” i understand what she’s doing by saying these things, but still, she confuses me b/c she’ll ask me how she can show me that she cares about me, and then i’ll say that she doesn’t *really* care, that she “has” to care, etc. and she’ll say, “you think i’m that mechanical? you think i don’t think about you when you’re not here w/ me? that i’m just trained to care about you?” and we have these “moments” where it’s really intense and we’re just sitting there, staring at each other, and it feels like something is happening, but then i don’t know. then there are times where i’ll want her to tell me she cares about me and she’ll say, “i care about the work– i don’t want you to think we’re in a relationship.” and then i just sit there feeling ridiculous and confused. i’m usually good at reading people but i can’t figure her out. i’ve been in a lot of relationships, but this is by far the most painful and intense “relationship” i’ve ever had in my life. i used to push her away and be as difficult as possible w/ her so she’d transfer me to someone else, but she said she’s never even considered referring me to someone else. at this point i’m tired of fighting how i feel and pushing her, but i have no idea what to do now. i finally told her that i love her the other day and she said, “but you don’t know me.” once again, i felt embarrassed and ashamed. of course, i don’t know her. no shit. i think virginia is right: i really regret admitting my feelings for her. but i really just wish i didn’t have them at all to begin with.
Arguably a common enough experience in therapy. It has to be recognized and dealt with it asap for the furtherance of the process. Failure to resolve the issue of transference is detrimental. So is it with similar feelings from the therapist: the moment you see it, say “Achtung”, deal with it honestly and with courage if one does not want to end the therapy in a fiasco. Besides it is unethical.
Good article.
My therapist is fine with me saying that I love her. I ofcourse explained that I love her because she is kind of like the mother of my inner child. I didn’t get much encouragement, acceptance etc. So, I love her because she gives me what I can’t seem to give myself at times. (I’m now crying.) I love how she believes in me when I can’t seem to believe in myself. She says that she isn’t going anywhere for a while.
All humans need encouragement, acceptance and other positive emotions. If we get this from a therapist when we can’t give it to ourselves. It’s only natural that we might feel that we love our therapist.
I believe that depending on your inner emotions and well being to begin with, an issue such as transference can only add to your feelings of worthlessness and pain
Boundaries. Just because the client (me) feels in love with my therapist does not mean that “concrete sex” will occur. A mature and knowing therapist will not act on thoughts or feelings, knowing that only hurt/pain would engulf both themself and you. Symbolically sex occurs, but not in actuality. Thus, the reason for our biological reaction, cognitive reaction, strong heart beats, and soul stirring reactions.
This process is scary. Perhaps some run away because the therapist won’t return the love act. I suggest that you don’t tell, unless your destiny and soul make the demand.
If the therapist does not respect the boundaries, run and report them. A hug is not against therapetic ethics. A counselor is to do no harm.
Remember the purpose of your relationship to this therapist: Healing! You entered therapy to stop your pain? Not DO your therapist!!!
I do think that sometimes therapist take the boundary level to far in the sense of keeping the patient/client relationship at a distance. Just because the client feels emotions does not mean that the therapist extending a hand or a hug in a compassionate manner is unethical and it can be done in the most respectful of ways.
Aaron I get the comment “but you don’t know me” or “it isn’t about me”. It makes me want to scream.
It is almost like they ‘therapeutically lead us on (or is it therapeutic?)” just enough to keep it rolling and then slap us with “it isn’t about me”. This comment does not help, it hurts.
Early on I heard this so often from my therapist, I just didn’t know what to do with these feelings. It actually hurt my progress because I didn’t feel accepted so I could talk more about them, I felt ashamed.
So then I started acting out with other men for awhile and obviously that isn’t good either. I didn’t realize at first that I was running my these intense feelings.
A message to all therapists: Y’all obviously know about transference and its intesity, please put trust in us and not the boundary potential or OMG lawsuits that can be suited with these feelings (if patient/therapist fall into that).
We need that from you desperately.
I have been seeing a therapist for 3 years and am still struggling with all these transference emotions. It’s not erotic. I just want to be part of his life, a friend or child of his. It took me a while to talk about this in therapy and when I first told him I loved him, he said you don’t really know me and that he didn’t love me in the same way as I loved him. That I needed him more than he needed me. He has been so kind and compassionate about this without being dismissive or crossing any boundaries. It’s made me cry so many times and I have dreams about him treating me with cruelty. But he is experienced working with transference and talking about it with him really helps. Being honest with a therapist who understands and can work with transference is a very painful but incredibly rewarding experience.
I find that this transference thing is terrible. I’m crazy about my therapist, and I look forward to seeing him. I think it is a lesson in pure frustration.
If my therapist returned the feelings I’d have an affair with him, and never tell anyone. I would never report him!
I’ve been in love with my therapist for 4 years. It is NOT transference…if I had met him anywhere else, I would have felt the same.
I finally got the courage years ago to tell him. He handled it with delicacy and sensitivity.
Unfortunately, he has feelings for me, also…..he “sexualized” our relationship (no…no sex), but double entendres, etc., etc……I could write a book about what he has said and done.
He knows he should refer me, but said: “My colleagues would tell me to run fast and far, but I will never abandon you.”
A few (of the leading things): “You are in my heart and in my head.” WE find it hard to end the session, and WE find it hard to say goodbye.” If I were not married, I would probably go for it.”
I love him….and hate him for what he has done. He has also said: “I am torn and confused, scared and conflicted.” A therapist is supposed to (when attracted to a client); do their work invisibly so the client isn’t aware of their “stuff.”
Went to him because my church voted me out of membership because I got a divorce; and he journeyed with me while I fought the spiritually abusive church (for 18 months), but I stayed with him; that was 4 years ago.
We attended the same conference together; but I didn’t call him until the last day; went to a dance and he told me later (I was shocked), that he spent a half an hour looking for me. He saw me 5 times but didn’t speak (their silly rules)….
The ironic thing is that as a client I can behave any way I want to, and I haven’t crossed any boundaries, HE on the other hand has ethics to follow, etc…..and HE is the one who is over the line.
I probably should leave him, but don’t want to do that; who knows where this is all going!?
Feel free to e-mail me: [email protected]
I ve been twice to a therapist to take some counsels.She is wonderfull,very kind and the way she talked to me (acceptance e.t.c.), made me love her.
I told I like her and she told me the same.
Gave her a small present ans she was very enstusiastic. We have many many years age difference.
I am a singer and she told me she will come to see me in the place I sing.
I am wondering if I invite her to my country house near to the sea, if she will come.
Generally, a therapist can become friend with the client?
Things a therapist says(for axample
“I like you, whatever you want I am here for you”)they are real feelings or just part of their job?
Reading all above,I beleive that it is very normal to love someone who seems to care so much about you, to accept you unconditionally to give you advises but I also wonder that perhaps all these creat an attachement relationship with the therapist and this is perhaps dangerous.
Finally I beleive that falling in love with the therapist is not transferrence.It is just love.
I am sure that their are therapists that do emotionally feel for their clients, either positive or negative. I do believe that the feelings are real, whether it be from the client or the therapist. It can become a significant relationship unfortunately with boundaries with that I do disagree with. For in essence, aren’t we just allowing ourself to feel which is a normal part of everyday life.
I am in love with my therapist and it is absolutely very difficult. I told her; she was wonderful about it. I was really scared because I had no clue what she would say (although I had no fear that she would not act appropriately). I knew that I certainly wanted her to say that she loved me too but, I wouldn’t have believed it and it would have felt somewhat silly. Certainly I didn’t want her to belittle my feelings or tell me anything was wrong or not okay. What she said to me was, “I won’t betray that.” (she also let me know that she knew it was difficult for me to talk about and that she respected me for doing so) It felt like the perfect thing to say. I trust her and believe that she will not betray me, and in many ways what I exactly want from her is just that — to not be betrayed. I know that my relationship with her is based soley on the time we have together and on my being dependent on her and on my being able to spill out my guts to her and on her being able to listen to me and offer me her wisdom and care. I understand that I only “know” her as a therapist. I don’t want to be her friend. I realized after telling her that I was in love with her, that what I actually want from her is for her to be my mother. This is a very intense feeling. Right now, I am depressed and sad and it is difficult to know that I never had a mother like her and that I never will. I am jealous of her daughter. I am also addicted to the intimacy I share with my therapist. I look so forward to seeing her and revealing myself to her and to her making me feel so loved. Then I have a hard time being without her, and sometimes barely make it through the week. I feel guilty for needing her as much as I do, and i’m definitely confused over my desire to create and maintain the intimacy we have. I have no idea how my feelings will change.
So how does one handle the situation when it is time to part ways?? The therapist becomes such a big part of your life and it can be years but ultimately, there comes the point of having to say goodbye to a emotionally deep, trusting relationship.
If “we” the client are in pain and decide to seek help from a professional, licensed mental health practitioner, then who are “we” to demand that the professional stop and love us in the manner “we” desire? “We” have the opportunity to bleed in front of the professional in order to be healed, something which did not happen for us, earlier. “We” have to decide whether this professional is the one to trust. If you imagine that the professional is a rock, solid, sizeable, colorful, and “we” get to make the rock into anything “we” need, to heal. The symbolic union is not the sex act. To love can be a verbal union, heart and soul. Perhaps, the differences in personalities, professionals vs “we” make the transference harder or easier? A feeling woman may need to develop her cognitive thinking abilities to become more whole, decreasing pain in daily functioning. How grateful, “we” are when our needs are met. Damn right “we” feel love toward the professional whom “we” know in a deep spiritual healing union. Their family has little or no idea what depths the professional goes to meet the “we”. Thank God for the professional. The ethics protect the professional in times of confusion and protect the innocent “we”.
Donna,
What a perfect way to summarize feelings and connections that can be so strong and so very real. That the heart and soul can be so intimately touched through a non sexual relationship. I feel fortunate for what I feel towards my therapist, not only for my own growth but also to realize the depths that my heart can actually go.
I’m a lesbian who’s been out now for almost 20 years and I’ve been in love with my older female therapist for 10 years now. When I first started seeing her in therapy (10 years ago), she told me that I needed to end the relationship with my now ex-girlfriend because she said it was not healthy (my ex was married, she played terrible mind games, etc..),. I agreed that it wasn’t healthy and so I broke up with her. Well, actually, I did agree, but couldn’t have broken up with my ex until my therapist told me that she’d not see me anymore (for therapy) if I kept seeing my ex. I was already in love with my therapist and knew that one had to go, so I picked my ex to be the one to go. At this time I hadn’t told my therapist that I loved her. After several years of not being able to tell her, I finally made the decision to do so. She understood and told me that she wasn’t gay. To make a long story short, I am still seeing her (in therapy of course) and she says she’ll see me until she retires (which will be in like 3 years). I have not made any progress in therapy and feel that I go to see her cause I like her as both a friend and I also have sexual thoughts of her all the time (which she knows). I have no idea why she want’s to continue to see me (and had done so now for 10 years) if I’m not making any progress. It tends to give me the wrong idea. Maybe she really has feelings for me, or something. Right now she thinks that I have stopped thinking of her in that way. Well, I had. But, months passed and now I’m wanting to kiss her so badly, that I have no idea what to do. I have therapy on Wednesday with her and I just feel like standing up and going over and kissing her. What should I do? What if she just needs to be kissed by me to know that she likes me? I thought I was over her and understood that nothing could ever come of this, even if she were gay. But over the weekend I watched two lesbian movies and they have some how led me to believe that I can still have her in the way I’m not suppose to. Okay, so I live in a fantasy world. Please give me some advice on what to do, or how to get her out of my mind.
Thanks
Michelle
P.S.- My newest psychiatrist (who’s male) is starting to suddently appear attractive to me. I don’t normally think of men in this way, so it’s really a bit odd. Now I’ve got two problems and I’m so so very confused! OMG this is so stressfull!!
Michelle ~
I think you’re channeling your feelings toward your psychiatrists (male and/or female) because they are compassionate and you open yourself up to them emotionally in a way that most people don’t. I have a feeling that the main attraction here is primarily emotional and secondary physical/sexual.
First of all, apologies if my text is not completely clear, but english is not my mother tongue. I would like to add something to Heather’s message of Apr: me too, since one year I’m seeing a therapist 8 years younger than me and like Heather I have fell in love with him, in spite of my efforts to fight this feeling.
I feel so absolutely stupid, and I keep repeating to myself that I have to stop seeing him, because I’m adding yet another problem to the ones that made me ask for help.
You probably know the feeling of having someone listening to you and saying your emotions aloud, without even having to tell him everything. It’s something you don’t experience very often in the “real life”. I have come to consider that space as my house in the wood, the one you usually read about in stories, when the protagonist is lost in the dark wook and she can see a small light behind the window and she can go in and rest for one moment,before having to walk again.
I don’t want to leave that house anymore, though I perfectly know that the therapy will have to end, probably very soon.
Also, I would like to ask you if you ever experience the need to know more about your therapist, about his life, what does he like, what does he feel… Sometimes it’s an unbearable need. I would like to get free of this dependence and at the same time I cannot wait to see him again and being comforted and hear his quiet voice, telling me that he is there to help me.
I just need to add that it was already a relief to find this forum with messages of people experiencing such a situation.
I most definately would like to know more about my therapists life. I am extremely comforted within his prescence and also just with the sound of his voice. I try to fight with every excuse out there but always find myself falling right back into what I feel. In some ways, it’s a positive that I feel when I push everyone else away. But then the reality of it is “how real is this” Or this is “transferance” (which I disagree) Regardless, it sometimes does become an “unbearable need” Or my only hope at the end of the day. So, like Monica said, has this also just become another “issue” to add to why I started therapy to begin with. But with this, it will be my pain in the end for what I feel is so very real. Sometimes, I don’t feel the therapist can grasp the true impact they have upon the client and ironically enough one can walk away feeling even more alone at the end of the day because of the feelings that occur within a “boundary” limited environment.
First thank you to all who have shared their experience. I feel better just knowing I am not alone in how I’m feeling. I have been seeing my therapist for 8 months and have recently realized I have strong feelings for her. I don’t know if it’s love, but I feel it growing in that direction. I have sexual feelings and strong emotional feelings for this woman. She is a lesbian, as am I. I started seeing her while in an abusive relationship which was causing intense emotions from my sexually abusive childhood to resurface. I ended the abusive relationship and have been making steady progress in therapy. I do believe my feelings for the therapist are transferance and that I should tell my therapist about it and explore my feelings, because I beleive there is much deeper meaning attached to them and I would benefit from talking about it. On the other hand, I’m afraid I will lose her. She knows how deeply I have been betrayed by those closest to me and I feel in my heart she would not react badly or innapropriately to my telling her how I feel about her. But of course, I can’t be sure. I’m not prepared to risk that it would change our relationship. I need her. It’s all very confusing, but again…it’s helpful to know there are others like me out there in this difficult situation and I am not alone.
I’m so glad to be reading all of this….not feeling quite so alone or ashamed. I developed very strong feelings for my therapist over the past couple of months. It is very intense, very difficult, and very uncomfortable all of the time—not just during the session. I am a married woman, and my therapist is also a married woman. The feelings are often unbearable—I have shared them on many occasions, and have become grief-stricken at times over the lack of a ‘real friendship’/relationship. I ‘fell in love’ with her–let her in, in a way that I have never let any woman in. My relationship with my mother was extremely painful. She withheld love from me and did not show any form of affection. I now feel that same ‘starving’ feeling, only now toward my therapist, whom I admire and respect, but with whom I also have fantasized about being sexual, being best friends, etc. This has opened my heart and has also created a spiritual awakening of sorts. An amazing gift. On the other hand, I am still in emotional agony over this, and it is hard to see an ‘end’ in sight. My hope is that she will know how to get me out of this ‘transference’ into some healing and resolution. Any thoughts, anyone?
Phew… I am sooo glad i finally looked this this stuff up and figured out why I was going CRAZY!!!!!!!!!
This article is such a relief for me that I almost want to cry. I am female and my therapist is female and I do not feel like I am “in love” with her, but I thought we could be friends when the “professional relationship” ended. When she finally told me it could not happen is when it sent me into this crazy tailspin for the last 2 weeks or so.
Now that I know what it is, other than talking to her, how in the world do I get back to normal and function correctly in everyday life?
I do not like the way this makes me feel…
As I called my therapist two days ago,( I have seen her only twice but I am thinking her a lot) I learned that she has a serious illness.
She told me she will fight against her illness.
Since that day I am so so sad. I am thinking her all the time. I can’t sleep.
When I asked her if I can call her again she told me that I can call whatever day and time I want.
I wish I could call her all the time and go and see her.
When I met my analyst I understood that she is the the person who is going to help and advice me in my life.I loved her.And from the first time I wished to be healthy as I want her in my life.I don’t want to lose her.
And now I am in front of a serious situation.
I am wondering if I have fallen in love with (except human feelings everyone has for a beloved person who is ill)
and also I don’t know what to do.
It’s a great help to know that other people go through the same feelings. I fell head over heel in love with my lawyer and had such instense love and desire for him. I had a really hard time because the feelings gave me such a high but also much frustration. I have never love anyone so completely and desperately. I am trying to explain and deal with this as a transference. Hopefully this will lead me to some healing.
I started “seeing” my therapist right after I was discharged from my sessions. Now, almost 8 months later we are still involved sexually and physically. I DO care for him, and he cares for me. But, we cannot date or go anyplace together. It is always a secret. Now, I am at the point where I am VERY confused and bitter and have so many emotions that I don’t know what to do with or what to feel. Although it is a difficult choice, I am contacting a lawyer to have this insanity stopped. I am no longer a VICTIM of this abuse.
Today after telling a dream I had about the ex girlfriend of my boyfriend, my psychoanalysist said that that I’m in love with her, and that it actually was her, my psychoanalysist I was describing – and not the ex – which I thought.
It made me confused, of course my psychoanalysist means a lot to me and helps me out a great deal. But not that much, love is a strong word – am I in denial?
When she said it I just thought that she had gone crazy and didn’t know what to reply.
I will talk to her. It just feels like she is testing and tries to provocate me. I’ve seen her 4 times a week for the past 20 months. But I feel sometime uncomfortable with the power relation between us. She is 40 years older than me, and feels more like a parent.
I don’t know what to do. I guess being honest will solve most of the things.
I have known my Psychiatrist for years, w have socialized at functions , worked together at the hospital and years later I am now his patient 1 1/2 yrs now. At functions etc in the past i was already extremely attracted to him and we got on very well. Therapy has gone well so far, he puts himself out for me and has been protective and skilled. Help, now that I am a patient, the attraction…. is it out of bounds?? What about when the therapy ends?? PLEASE HELP !!! KRIISTENE
I have known my Psychiatrist for years, w have socialized at functions , worked together at the hospital and years later I am now his patient 1 1/2 yrs now. At functions etc in the past i was already extremely attracted to him and we got on very well. Therapy has gone well so far, he puts himself out for me and has been protective and skilled. Help, now that I am a patient, the attraction…. is it out of bounds?? What about when the therapy ends?? PLEASE HELP !!! KRIISTENE
I’m not “in-love” with my therapist. However, I lust after him like crazy. I feel so ashamed and guilty because I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful 13 month-old, little boy.
I really like my therapist. I do not love him but, I like him a lot. He has the nicest smile and it’s especially nice that he smiles a lot.
Kriistene again, the attraction has turned to lust,I keep that to myself as I like him to much to comprimise him or myself. He has shown attraction tendancies towards myself, and we will be doing some other activities outside of my therapy together. Despite all of this I am so much better. God I wish he wasn’t so hot.
I don’t know, is it different because I have had this attraction\lust (not in love) prior to my therapy and we have always got along, then When I became ill, he was about the only therapist I knew that dealt well with my situation, I didn,t select him, it was sorted out for me. I am so much better, remained focused during the challenging times. I have frequent sessions, I actually help him with things involving his practice. during sessions we at times just look at each other and not say a word for quite a while.He said I am attractive…ME, god he’s about 6’7 strong, fit blue eyes …gorgeous, what’s a girl to do.? I will try not to be naughty he is far to good, I don’t think I would forgive myself.
having an affair with a therapist can be compared with sexual abuse or incest as the therapist is often view in a transference way as a parent figure.
If you love a therapist and have the courage to you should discuss it with them and hopefully it will help you to develop these normal feelings to take out in the world with you..
I have never fell in love with a therapist though..
Amazing to share a common problem! This alone makes me feel a lot better. I ended therapy yesterday because of my feelings, which felt like it was getting out of control. I’ve been seeing my therapist on/off for 10+ years. I also hate it being called transference. I also think that I would have fallen in love with him in a different setting. He also told me that I didn’t know him well. My feelings also started as being a bit in love, and progressed to sheer lust, which I’m not good at dealing with. He’s married and so am I. I will “return” to my normal life, and try to forget …
I do not love my therapist, the attractions began before the therapy, and unfortunately there are not many qualified Psychiatrists where I live. My therapy is drawing to a close and we have never been inapropriate during my time as a patient.. He most certainly does not resemble anyone from my past, family etc, and I don’t believe these feelings are in my case related to incest or Transference issues. This however may occur in other situations where therapy has gone on for a significant amount of time, and the patient has perhaps a more complicated disorder requiring more frequent and or intense therapy…. sorry but we both just think we have the lust thing happening. !!! take care.
Thanks to everyone for sharing. It makes me feel better knowing that I’m not the only one going through this. I’ve been seeing my therapist for a little over a month. It was only a few sessions before I was intensely attracted to him. I told him and he assured me – a sex abuse survivor – that nothing physical/sexual would ever happen between us. I appreciate his professionalism, but I really, really want to know that he is attracted to me. If I didn’t have a terrific husband and kids, I would seriously want to be with him, but, considering that I do, I am trying to keep myself content with just fantasizing about him kissing me. To say it is frustrating to feel like this is the understatement of the year. I hate wanting someone so much and knowing that I can’t ever have him. I’m supposed to be transitioning to another therapy program soon, which means I won’t be seeing him much, if at all, soon. That seems so wrong, and yet it just might be the best thing for my marriage. But, I just don’t know how it makes sense that someone I adore, and that has influenced my life significantly, will be out of my life forever…
Hi doctor of Psyc….have you got some time for input into our discussions, it would be appreciated… thank you very much Kriiistene
Comments are closed.