“I think I’m in love with my therapist. What’s wrong with me? What should I do?”
It is not unusual to feel strong feelings of “love” or affinity toward your therapist. But those feelings probably aren’t what you think.
Psychodynamic theory suggests the reason that many people fall in love with their therapist is because they are repeating emotional patterns they experienced as children toward their parents. This behavior and set of feelings was first described by Sigmund Freud who coined the term “transference” to describe it. He discovered transference after noting this many of his mostly-female clients would start describing their own romantic feelings toward him. In some patients, the feelings were not romantic, but instead more childlike and Freud took on a parental role in the patient’s mind. It was as though Freud became their father figure, and the tempestuous relationship would then play out in his office.
Freud described this process over a hundred years ago, and therapists and their clients still deal with this issue even in modern psychotherapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy. Because the process itself is a very real possible side effect of psychotherapy, although it doesn’t happen to everyone in all therapeutic situations.
Why Does Transference Occur?
Nobody can say for certain why transference seems to be a process of many people’s psychotherapy, regardless of the actual background of the therapist or focus of therapy. Goal-focused, short-term psychotherapy is no guarantee that transference won’t occur. Some cognitive-behavioral therapists, in their efforts to focus on empirically-based treatments, simply ignore these feelings when they come up in the course of psychotherapy. Others downplay their importance.
Transference likely occurs because the therapeutic environment is generally seen as a safe, supportive and nurturing environment. Therapists are seen as accepting, positive influences in our lives, but sometimes also as authoritative guides. In these various roles, a therapist can inadvertently step into roles previously occupied in our lives by one of our parents. Or a client can become infatuated with the seemingly endless supply of wisdom and positive self-regard some therapists exude. The effects can be just as intoxicating as one’s first love. In this increasingly detached world, someone who spends nearly a full hour with our undivided attention may become quite godlike.
Therapists may also represent an individual in a person’s life that provided the unconditional acceptance (and perhaps love) that we all seek from important others in our life. Our mother. Our father. A sibling. A lover. A therapist doesn’t ask for a person to be anything other than themselves. And in the honest emotional environment that’s so often found in the best therapists’ office, it’s easy to idealize (and in some cases, idolize) the accepting, caring professional who sits across from us.
I Think I’m in Love! Now What?
So you feel like you’re in love with your therapist and while intellectually you may understand that this is just a normal process of psychotherapy for some, you still need to do something about it.
The first thing to understand is that this is not anything you should be ashamed or afraid of. This type of transference is not an uncommon feature of psychotherapy, and these kinds of feelings are not something you can simply just turn on and off at will. Having these feelings for your therapist is not “unprofessional” nor does it cross any kind of therapeutic boundaries.
Second, talk to your therapist. Okay, I know this is the hardest step, but it is also the most important. Your therapist should be experienced and trained in transference issues (yes, even the modern cognitive-behavioral therapists), and be able to talk to you about them in an open and accepting manner. As with most issues in therapy, bringing it out into the open and talking about it usually is sufficient to help most people in dealing with their feelings. Your therapist should also talk to you about ways you can better understand them in the context of your therapeutic relationship, family history and background, and what kinds of things you might be able to do to help and reduce their intensity.
Third, accept your feelings and continue in focusing on the reasons that brought you into therapy in the first place. For some people, this will be easy. Once they’ve discussed the issue with their therapist, they feel relieved — like a weight has been lifted off of their shoulders. For others, the process may be more difficult and require that some therapy time be spent further discussing these feelings with your therapist.
I should also note that if a therapist returns your feelings of love in any form whatsoever, it is a breach of the professional therapeutic relationship and ethics. Professional therapists are trained to cope with their own “counter-transference” issues, and in the U.S., a romantic relationship between a client and their therapist is considered unethical and verboten. You should consider ending your relationship with such a therapist and talking to your regional ethics board about filing a complaint.
“Falling in love” with your therapist is sometimes a normal process of psychotherapy. It only means that you’re feeling positive, intense feelings for another person who is helping you with important issues in your life. Do not run away from these feelings — or your therapist — in fear. Talk to your therapist about them, and chances are, it will help.
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I dont know if any of you watch Glee. Well, it is not a deep show, but in the last episode I actually got something deep out of it that made me think of all of us here on this blog. One of the girls was talking to another girl who was inlove with her teacher. She said how they are both alike in that they both look for men they can never have. The teacher being the perfect target for their self esteem issues. Because these men can never resipicate our feelings, which only reinforces our convictions that we’re not worthy of being loved.
I don’t know, but that really hit home for me. Most of us here know that we cant have our therapists. Not in a realistic way anyway. And even if we are having an affair with them, it is in secret and nothing real can come out of it. Isn’t if “funny” how we adore the “T” we can never truly have? And aren’t most of us dealing with some sort of self esteem issue in therapy?
Just a thought.
Just want to mention that I’m offering my thoughts here and feel free to take anything I write with a grain of salt.
If you scroll back up to May or June you will see just how much I hated the word “transference” back then. It always felt so diminishing and devaluing that even just looking at the word would trigger me. But now I’ve come to understand that it’s everywhere and not limited to happening in just the therapeutic relationship. Events happen in the here and now, but the deeper meaning of the feelings and patterns of behavior might come from the past. This is one example that Bonnie has given here. I think sometimes it’s easy to get caught up with the fantasy in all of this, but fantasy is also a means of escaping from the reality that we are living. It’s a pretty good indication that something is missing. So I think it’s helpful to look at what you were getting out of the T relationship and how the T was meeting your needs and then try to get those needs met in your outside of the room relationships. I couldn’t do any of this for many months after leaving therapy because I had to process the grief of the loss first. And it is a real loss of a real relationship and that hurts.
Grief and healing take time so hang in there, Bonnie.
Beth,
Thank you. I agree with what you wrote. It is hard to think of how the relationship in therapy felt so real, but now I wonder if his feelings were just him “doing his job”. I can’t imagine how someone can turn from tender to cold and hard over night if their feelings were ever real.
I really think it’s both. It’s real, but also a job.
I probably shouldn’t speculate, but if I were to I might wonder if the reason why your T felt so threatened by your actions was due to the fact that he was experiencing some countertransference. Again, that is pure speculation, and doesn’t really change anything…but if it’s true it may better explain his response to this. Either way, his reaction to you was likely due to his “stuff” and not really reflective on you or of your relationship.
Are you feeling any better around this, Bonnie?
Beth,
I agree. I have been thinking a lot lately about what’s happened, and I realized that he’s always told me that he is the type of person that has to be in control of himself. He hates roller coasters, he hates going to the doctors, etc. When he was in therapy and fell inlove with his female therapist, he abandoned therapy without talking about it with her. This seems to be the theme of his life–running from things that make him feel out of control. I can see that he didn’t know how to handle his emotions with me, whatever they were. Not excusing him for how he “dumped” me in anyway. He probally went to talk to his supervisor and his supervisor made the decision. I believe that because his supervisor was the one who wrote the letter. Well, all this being so, I just want to forget him. I am tired of going to sleep thinking of him and waking up thinking of him. It’s been 3 weeks already. I just want to wake up one day and not think of him at all. I have been feeling closer to my husband lately. So I guess if anything good came out of this, it’s that.
I got my medical records. I was horrified at how my “T” lied about our last session. Did he bother writing how he talked about his life. He actually made up a whole story about our conversation that never happened. He made me sound like a crazy person. He really covered his tracks too. Did he bother writing how we hugged and how he said he wasn’t going to transfer me? He made crap up! Should i let it go or should i contest it. I dont even know how to feel. I thought I was getting past all this until I read this.
Bonnie,
I just want to let you know that you are not alone in this and all that garbage in your medical record are much more common then you think. Patient in not in a position of power. We have one right – to leave ( that’s if you can ). You also have a right to correct your medical record. Just asked for “addendum forms”. If you feel something in your record is incorrect, you can add 250 words about what you not agree with. It’s a law.
There are states laws about how correction should be handled and federal laws. They are somewhat different. Federal laws override state laws. From what I remember, they have to add your addendums to your records within 60 days or respond to you with a negative answer. By federal law they can deny to add an addendum, if doctor disagrees. In this case you have a right to add a “letter of correction”. It’s another form. Regardless, you have a right to your side of the story be heard.
Poo,
I am definately going to contest it. What do you mean by it being changed only if “doctor” agrees? By saying doctor, do you mean therapist? I dont know why he would agree with me telling my side of the story since it doesn’t look that good for him.
This entire situation is very sad and unfortunate. It’s a shame that he distorted what actually happened. That would have to be very upsetting, to say the least. I’m glad there is a process in which you can contest this, Bonnie.
Beth,
I understand why he did it. He knows it would make him look unprofessional if he wrote the whole truth. I cant help but to feel sorry for him but at the same time, I dont like the idea of my records screwed up. I dont want him to hate me and he probally wants me out of his hair by now. Should I just let it go?
I don’t think I can answer that question for you, Bonnie. The one thing that would have broken me personally would have been feeling the relationship …even in its held place…had gone all wrong. That must be very upsetting. You still care about him even through this mess and even through all of his errors in this. But at the same time he is misrepresenting you. I guess it would depend on what is the most important to you. Maybe consider your options and weigh what means the most to you. What a difficult situation.
Well, I guess I will have to discuss it with my new therapist. Yes, I finally went to one. Female, of course. She seems very insightful. She feels that he lost out on a real important opportunity to help me and that he was not properly trained on how to deal with transference. I feel like she can help me. I see her on Tuesday, so I will talk to her about it. I am tired of obsessing over him. It seems like there are so many cars all of a sudden that look just like his. I keep looking at the driver seat everytime I see a car like his. I even drove around his town the other day wondering if I would happen to stumble across his house. Just to know where it is just for the heck of knowing. I keep day dreaming of bumping into him and what I would say if I say anything at all. I cant believe he is going to be in this area for another 5 months. It kills me to know that after that he will be so far away in another state. Maybe it will be better that way. Even if I saw him for a minute at a store or at church and we smile at eachother out of courtesy, that would be enough to keep me content–just to know he doesn’t despise me. He must cringe at the thought of me. Well, in my records it did say that he had discussed our last session with his supervisor and it was at his supervisors request that he cancell all my appointments. I blame his supervisor more then him. His supervisor handled it very poorly. What could my therapist have done when his supervisor tells him he needs to cut me off.
I’m really happy to hear that you’re getting some support from a different therapist. Maybe some of the obsessive thoughts that you’re dealing with stem from not having had proper closure with your former T. That must be so painful and difficult. Maybe there is still a place with you and your former T…despite what has happened…where there is unspoken understanding. I hope your new therapist is able to help work with you on this so you can find peace with it.
Bonnie
I’m writing this just for you. First I’m just a man who stumbled on this discussion while goggling a related issue. I was very fascinated with the whole thing; It took me almost 3 hours to read all the inputs. It was like reading a book I couldn’t stop. You made me laugh many times, and I felt bad for you many other times. Since I read the whole story at once I thought if that thing you felt towards you T, all the “want him so bad” was really love then you would give the guy a break, some forgiveness.
I agree he did not do a good job and ran like a baby from the situation. He should has treated you with more respect and handed you over to other “T”. I think he needs to be reported, but this way he will stay in your life even longer. Forget the as*****.
I like you Bonnie, you have lots of love inside you that you wish to give someone, but no one to receive. I hope you will be happy again soon, I sincerely do.
Best luck.
Manclient,
It is nice to hear a man’s point of view. I have thought about what you said many times before. I dont know why part of me wants him to “see” my pain. I don’t want to slip out of his life, I want to go with a bang. But at the same time, I don’t want him to hate me. Also, I am not thinking so much of revenge as I am thinking how he needs help. I think he is “losing” it in a sense and should be somehow put back on track. I don’t want him fired or in trouble, but maybe if he see’s that I am contesting my records he will realize, “hmm, there are clients who read their records, maybe I should be more careful as to what I write.” That’s my hope anyway. I actually came across a website on the internet about therapists who disclose too much imformation. It says that they are considered “too impaired to practice”. Something like that. But, you are right. Maybe I should just cut him some slack. I do care about him very much. I’m confused as to what the right thing to do is. I’m tired of thinking with my heart. Maybe I should just save the next client like me some trouble. Anyway, thanx for the encouragement. I appreciate it. What is your story?
If I were him I would be very scared and very careful. I will make sure no second client will have the same experience because it will be the end. Trust me he is a very bad place right now, he is not sleeping well, he is afraid to see an official letter on his disk, I think you were his wake up call.
Next time you see him on the street. Look him in the eye, remember his is the weak now, he is the one who need help.
My story, oh, let’s see. Never been hugged, was abused physically by my dad, my mom and dad played good cop-bad cop on me. Then I was sexually abused by relatives, I was bullied at school etc.…. All that made me terrified of being in public places, I was terrified of talking in front of audience even familiar people, I was terrifid of disease and doctors,.. etc. I think God gave me all the reasons to be screwed up in the head, but God, being God, gave me one thing that many people don’t have, WILL.
Now I am successful doctor who walks in public places and give lectures to students and educate large groups of people.
I did that without any therapy, never even opened a book to read about psychotherapy. All what I did was facing my fears, I started with small steps and did giant steps thereafter. I still get a bit nervous sometimes, but not to the point that any one notices, I just focus on what I’m doing and nervousness goes away. I made my life very busy to the point where I don’t have time to think and remember of all the bad things that happened to me. I forgave my mom and dad, I forgave my abusers, and I forgave my bullies.
I put my fragile heart in a steel box. All my feelings now are for the present and the future.
The reason I’m reading about therapy now is not me it’s my wife, she is very depressed and nothing is working, drugs and therapy are not doing much.
Manclient,
Wow! It is amazing to hear your story. That’s terrible what happened to you in the past. It is truly a miracle you have succeded without therapy to the place you are now. I can see you make God your stronghold and that is good. Maybe your wife should get another therapist that might be able to help her. I think having the right therapist can make all the difference in the world. Of course this also depends how long she has been with her current therapist. If she just started, then maybe she needs more time. I hope she has a female therapist. I would hate for her to go through what I am going through. I like the idea that my previous therapist is scared and losing sleep. 🙂 Is that bad? I really hope I was his wake up call. I hope you find what you’re wife needs for her healing. She seems to have a good husband by her side. Take care.
Well, no wonder your wife is depressed, Manclient – your heart is in a box, you have no time to think. Holly Molly! Scary… Bonnie, I’ll get back to you on addendums. I wrote some, but I don’t want to disclose too much. My story is so ugly, I do not want to make you all depressed here with my crazy stuff. I’m extremely busy to go over it right now. In a few words – they will not delete anything out of your record, they will only add your note.
Hi, welcome Manclient…. I jumped back into this Blog as I am amazed as to some of the parallels I share with you. It’s extrodinary to feel proud of someone you have never met except through this site. The mind boggles! and I dearly hope your wife will receive and be maintained with correct treatment. sincerely K
Poo.. My wife has been depressed long before she ever saw me, she has her good days and bad days. I did everything a man can do to help her. I just can’t get into her head. how I can make unhappy person, who has no physical pain or disease andhas everything she need/want, happy?? I’m open to ideas.
kriistene, I thought I’m the only one who had so much trouble in my childhood, I hope you are doing well now. are you MD!??
Wow. Hi all. I spent hours last night reading through this thread. Poo – you are hillarious! You had me laughing one minute and wanting to slap you the next, that’s awesome please keep posting 🙂 When I have some time I will post some comments of my own, I have been in exactly the same position with my therapist and these posts sound all so familiar! It got really messy between me and my therapist and didn’t turn out well. Bonnie, the kiss – been there and back several times and more, but mine took it well and then some! Trust me doll, if he had returned it though it wouldn’t have ended any better, it would have only delayed the pain. Hey, I’ve learned a lot that I think would be really helpful to share with y’all here. When I have some time. Just racing out the door now.
Back soon!
BTW, you lot are a whole day behind me – it’s already thursday the 10th on my side of the globe, middle of the morning rush hour. Amazing that oceans can separate a problem that seems to be universally common.
Paraclete,
I would be very interested in hearing your story when you can make the time. Did you kiss your therapist? How was this handled? Hope to hear from you soon.
Hi Bonnie, yes I kissed my therapist but only on the cheek. He lets me do this. I have done it several times. Actually he encouraged me the first time, i told him I wanted to and he said “but yet you don’t do it?” – so the next session I hugged him, and then kissed his cheek. He congratulated me for finally doing this. Kind of a different response to yours, huh! There is more of course, its a very long story. There was the time my session ended and I was half way down the street, decided to run back to his office – i burst in, ran across the room, gave him a huge long hug and kissed his cheek, then without saying anything, I quickly left his office again. He didn’t throw a spaz like yours did. That would have hurt so much; but then, I know my therapist (as a therapist) quite well, and would not have risked that if I had thought it would have been rejected. Oh, the stories I could tell y’all. I will post again soon.
Yes, I have been in love with my therapist. I know how much it hurts, how it burns. That desire at night when your soul aches for their touch, the burn deep inside because you know you cannot have it and yet the hope that maybe if you just wait – just hold out for the right moment – you could have it. Oh, the mindscrew we put ourselves through. Torture.
And when they (therapist) desire you back, even if you only suspect it, oh that takes the torture to a new level. That tension is so hard to bear. You can feel it, you can almost smell it, but you just cannot have it. A very dangerous and difficult situation for both the therapist and the client. Therapists are trained to ‘handle it’, sure – but they are human. They do not cut their hearts out and leave them on the kitchen bench before they head out to the office each morning. They react. Positively, or negatively, they react. This can hurt – as in Bonnies case. It can heal. It can do both. It’s russian roulette, its therapy. And it should come with a warning!
Gosh. Just read through that and it just sounded terribly trashy! Don’t know why I made that little rant. Was kinda pointless, other than to show there’s yet another person out here who understands how painful this can be.
Did you actually tell him you want to kiss him on a cheek or there was no any specifications before he dared you?
Poo, I told him I wanted to. He told me he was sensing a big conflict inside me, and I pointed out that when I arrived at the session and i hugged him, what I really I wanted to do was to kiss him, and he simply said “you want to, and yet you don’t do it..” in a manner that was asking ‘why not’?
So what turned out to be a “conflict ” in his view ? It sounds to me as if he was applying that your were closeted gay and he wanted you to “come out”. Can you be more specific without getting upset with me? I am always in a such a rush to get to the point…It’s hard to hear the tone of the voice on the net.
My brain is absolutely fried tonight, Paraclete, so don’t ( get upset with me … again, please! ). It has been an extremely rough week. I can’t imagine starting an appointment with a hug, so naturally my communication was much more direct, although directness was one-sided. I guess I’m trying to find some reasonable answers to another absurd situation.
and what happened after? You continued to give him cheek kisses and he graciously taking them?
Hi Manclient, in between all these kisses above !! yes I am MD, live in Australia and work in a practice with my husband, he’s a General Surgeon. My childhood is raw, I guess what differs would be perhaps the relatives involved etc from our past. x K
Hi Poo (interesting name choice by the way :p)
The conflict he was picking up on … to be direct about it, that was at a point in my therapy when he was encouraging me to express my feelings toward him. This was something I was very conflicted about doing – I wanted to express it desperately, to show it. But it felt like I was trying to keep the lid on a wild Jack-in-the-box which threatened to burst out and eat my poor therapist alive; naked, preferably. I was afraid of the consequences, especially rejection. He was trying to encourage me to take that risk; to confront that fear of rejection; It was very seductive. It worked. I let it out, and gradually, very gradually we crossed boundaries that in hindsight ought not to have been crossed. It got very messy. It put me through the emotional wringer, and it put him through it too. It culminated recently in a very painful explosion between us, not too dissimilar to Bonnie’s experience, and almost completely destroyed the therapy. Almost. But we have managed to get it back on track, it took a little while and we’ve both been angry and it took a bit of mutual forgiveness and it’s going to take a lot of talking through still – but all has not been lost and i think some very important lessons have been learned. And that’s what I’d like to share if possible, not so much the ins and outs of my own experience but more what I’ve learned coming through it. Reading through these posts Im recognising a lot of familiar things which having been there and gone through this, I can really relate to.
About the kisses Poo… yes, he accepted them when i gave them. He never said anything about them. It was always followed by blushing and silence. Which for the record, is not a good thing. Anything that goes on in the room between T and client should always be discussed. But then, we have kept a lot of secrets. My theory is that a lot of things have gone unspoken between us because they simply couldn’t be acknowledged without him having to confess to feelings he desperately didn’t want to have. But actions, as we all know, speak a lot louder than words.
If I can give one helpful piece of advice from my experience, Ladies, always trust your gut. If its telling you something is not right, or all is not what meets the eye, then trust it. Go with your gut because its not often wrong. Us women have an amazing natural intuition.
Paraclete,
I kinda read your story with a bit of jealousy. I wish my therapist could have been more like yours. So did you have an affair with him? Are you married? Is he? Is he in private practice? I think my timing was really bad. I should have waited to catch him in a more vulnerable state. Wow, I sound terrible. 2 days ago my husband slapped me real hard in the face. I called the cops and they took him to jail. I panicked and called my previous “T”. I dont know if that was the right thing to do. I couldn’t get a hold of my current female therapist and it got me thinking of how my previous “T” always made an effort to get back to me right away. Part of me hoped his heart would be softened and he would have compassion for me and give me a call to see how I was doing. He never called me back. 🙁 I guess I will never get his love. How he could just shut out all emotions for me is beyond me. I could have sworn there was something in those sessions we used to have.
Dear God… jail? Bonnie, you’re not a real person. You are a character created by someone’s wild imagination, are you? Looking at my crystal ball, I can see a very bright future for you husband/soon to be therapist.
Bonnie, like I said if you perceived something was there in those sessions (on your therapists part)then there probably was. From my experience, I think we can be really good at perceiving and picking up what is there, but we can really fall down when it comes to interpreting what that actually means. For example, a completely exaggerated scenario: your session starts and your T is quiet and while he hasn’t said anything to indicate it, you pick up that he is angry with you. You don’t understand why, but its made you uncomfortable because you can sense it and your gut tells you it has something to do with you. Your perception is spot on, but you panic, interpret what you have percieved to mean that he’s stopped caring about you and your going to get dumped. When in reality, it could be he’s angry because you turned up late when just last week you gave him a real hard time because he ran late and kept you waiting. And maybe he’s having a really bad day, and he’s in a bad mood and knows he should just lighten up and let it go so he doesn’t say anything about it.
Or another scenario, possibly closer to your own? Maybe you pick up that your T is having some feelings for you, romantic or sexual, but you’re confused because the signals are mixed. He hugs you and his hands linger on your back a litte longer than normal and he blushes, and holds eye cantact with you for long silent periods through out that session but then he appears withdrawn and disengaged during your next one. You picked up on the sexual energy, your gut tells you something was there. You interpret that to mean that he is harbouring a desire to have an affair with you, and he would be open to being seduced if you initiate it. So you get excited, you plan it, and then you spring it on him thinking that this is really what he wants and he’ll respond. In reality, maybe he’s been going through a tough time at home, his wife has been distant, she’s rejected his sexual advances lately and when he hugged you it stirred something in him that he’s been missing lately, and for a moment he allowed himself to enjoy that feeling and enjoy that connection with you, but he certainly entertains no thoughts of an affair and actually felt a bit guilty for experiencing and enjoying those feelings with you, his client. So you try to kiss him, or start behaving in a manner which he picks up as seductive, he freaks out, gets scared because he doesn’t want it, guilty maybe because he knows he invited it, then defensive and angry because that’s what guilt often quickly turns into.
Bonnie, I may be way off in your case but can you see maybe some similarities there?
Sorry, that was a really long way of saying that maybe what you thought was there Bonnie may have been there but maybe it didn’t mean what you thought it meant.
Who needs a therapist, who’s feeling “guilty maybe because he knows he invited it, then defensive and angry because that’s what guilt often quickly turns into”? If this behavior happens session after session and client is obviously disturbed by all mixed signals, I think it is a major ethical issue. There is no excuse.
no poo, no one wants to have a therapist who gets defensive or angry ‘session after session’. Most people would be smart enough to know they should leave in that situation.
its funny how many people expect to find the ‘perfect and infallible’ therapist. Hah! That doesn’t exist. Competence doesn’t mean perfection. Just as a baby has to learn to accept the ‘good enough mother’, some people need to learn to accept the ‘good enough therapist’ – and run from the ones that aren’t.
Very good point, Paraclete, but most mothers do not have a training in human behavior, human emotions or how to control them. They are just simply not as skilled. If therapist is “good enough” in terms of competence, he is usually smart enough not to get angry or defensive all the time (session after session) and will continue to behave in such a pereplexing manner until a major damage is done. Most drama described on this forum did not happen during a single visit, it happened overtime where a patient feels invested, entangled and emotionally confused. You did not explain why your therapist dared you to kiss him. In the name of your therapy?
He didn’t dare me to kiss him. He questioned why I didn’t do it if I wanted to so much; I made the decision then to go ahead and try it. He could have rejected that, but he didn’t.
What can I say… you therapist sounds like a very exciting guy.
can only imagine the trill.
And… this poor soul continue to guide you now?
If you are asking me whether I am still in therapy with this therapist, yes I am.
Bonnie –
I really feel for what you’ve been through with your guy. That was so unfair how he handled you. He should have at least posted you a letter with an explanation of his reasons so you can have some closure. Don’t be jealous of my situation; I sat holding hands with him, with his arm around me a couple of times, it was like I was in heaven. I wanted that contact so much. But when I left his office it was torture. The withdrawal was awful, like a bad drug, and i became depressed. I knew he cared about me, he told me this, and I knew he desired me. It was like a living hell knowing that i could not have this mans love the way I wanted it. Yes, he is married with a family.
He would be happy to be close to me, then he would attack my feelings for him and tell me I needed to get over him etc. I would push back, for more and we’d come so close to the line, and then he would pull away like he was suddenly desperate, frightened. This would hurt so much, and I could tell it hurt him too. Then gradually things would ramp back up again. close, distant, a roller coaster.
The problem is acting on those feelings will only ever end one way. If you end up having an affair, your life is screwed and so is theirs. You will end up realising that what you thought you wanted was not what you wanted, and then any chance of getting what you really did want from this person is dashed to pieces. Its an impossible situation, don’t wish for it, there is no happy ending. At worst it will consume you with anguish and send you to an emotional hell when it dies its inevitable death; At best you will live to suffer the damage to your family, to your marraige (since you are married) and you will live to be his biggest regret. You don’t want that to be the result of what could and should be a healing experience, not a re-traumatising and re-frustrating of old needs that were not met and have been left desperate.
This is a classic definition of how typical affair starts:
“So you get excited, you plan it, and then you spring it on him thinking that this is really what he wants and he’ll respond. In reality, maybe he’s been going through a tough time at home, his wife has been distant, she’s rejected his sexual advances lately and when he hugged you it stirred something in him that he’s been missing lately, and for a moment he allowed himself to enjoy that feeling and enjoy that connection with you, but he certainly entertains no thoughts of an affair and actually felt a bit guilty for experiencing and enjoying those feelings with you, his client. ”
No one enters an affair with a clear head. It’s not a planned event. Usually. Not sure why your ideas brought Clinton’s ” I did not have sex with that woman” to mind :).
If you actually discuss with him the subject openly now, why do you choose to theorize here instead of simply saying ” he was weak and now sorry / he wanted me to overcome my general fear of rejection” or anything substantial , which we, mortals, can wrap our heads around?
by the way, there was more contact between us than I’ve just stated but I wont disclose those details. Bottom line, we did not have sex, but I’m telling you with the voice of experience – you do not need to for it to be equivalently damaging.
Paraclete, don’t you think it would be in your own best interests to leave his practice? It’s a time bomb from what you are describing.
Ah yes, but that bomb has already gone off! Maybe it would have been better to have left and not gone back; but I have gone back, he was unsure if he wanted to continue to work with me, but I kept going, and we kept rebooking, and he’s since dropped all mention that I should see someone else. Now all is ticking along as it used to, but we are staying in our chairs this time, and there is no contact. So far. I have learned a lot poo, this has all happened over 3 years. I’m now a lot more aware of what was really driving my feelings toward him. Not all is as it appears to be; even though it feels like it, we have an amazing ability for self deception. I continue to tread carefully.
My wife told me that her T never writes or takes notes. Do they record these sessions? Do they write something down after the client leave? Aren’t they suppose to keep a record?
What does you T do?.
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