“I think I’m in love with my therapist. What’s wrong with me? What should I do?”
It is not unusual to feel strong feelings of “love” or affinity toward your therapist. But those feelings probably aren’t what you think.
Psychodynamic theory suggests the reason that many people fall in love with their therapist is because they are repeating emotional patterns they experienced as children toward their parents. This behavior and set of feelings was first described by Sigmund Freud who coined the term “transference” to describe it. He discovered transference after noting this many of his mostly-female clients would start describing their own romantic feelings toward him. In some patients, the feelings were not romantic, but instead more childlike and Freud took on a parental role in the patient’s mind. It was as though Freud became their father figure, and the tempestuous relationship would then play out in his office.
Freud described this process over a hundred years ago, and therapists and their clients still deal with this issue even in modern psychotherapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy. Because the process itself is a very real possible side effect of psychotherapy, although it doesn’t happen to everyone in all therapeutic situations.
Why Does Transference Occur?
Nobody can say for certain why transference seems to be a process of many people’s psychotherapy, regardless of the actual background of the therapist or focus of therapy. Goal-focused, short-term psychotherapy is no guarantee that transference won’t occur. Some cognitive-behavioral therapists, in their efforts to focus on empirically-based treatments, simply ignore these feelings when they come up in the course of psychotherapy. Others downplay their importance.
Transference likely occurs because the therapeutic environment is generally seen as a safe, supportive and nurturing environment. Therapists are seen as accepting, positive influences in our lives, but sometimes also as authoritative guides. In these various roles, a therapist can inadvertently step into roles previously occupied in our lives by one of our parents. Or a client can become infatuated with the seemingly endless supply of wisdom and positive self-regard some therapists exude. The effects can be just as intoxicating as one’s first love. In this increasingly detached world, someone who spends nearly a full hour with our undivided attention may become quite godlike.
Therapists may also represent an individual in a person’s life that provided the unconditional acceptance (and perhaps love) that we all seek from important others in our life. Our mother. Our father. A sibling. A lover. A therapist doesn’t ask for a person to be anything other than themselves. And in the honest emotional environment that’s so often found in the best therapists’ office, it’s easy to idealize (and in some cases, idolize) the accepting, caring professional who sits across from us.
I Think I’m in Love! Now What?
So you feel like you’re in love with your therapist and while intellectually you may understand that this is just a normal process of psychotherapy for some, you still need to do something about it.
The first thing to understand is that this is not anything you should be ashamed or afraid of. This type of transference is not an uncommon feature of psychotherapy, and these kinds of feelings are not something you can simply just turn on and off at will. Having these feelings for your therapist is not “unprofessional” nor does it cross any kind of therapeutic boundaries.
Second, talk to your therapist. Okay, I know this is the hardest step, but it is also the most important. Your therapist should be experienced and trained in transference issues (yes, even the modern cognitive-behavioral therapists), and be able to talk to you about them in an open and accepting manner. As with most issues in therapy, bringing it out into the open and talking about it usually is sufficient to help most people in dealing with their feelings. Your therapist should also talk to you about ways you can better understand them in the context of your therapeutic relationship, family history and background, and what kinds of things you might be able to do to help and reduce their intensity.
Third, accept your feelings and continue in focusing on the reasons that brought you into therapy in the first place. For some people, this will be easy. Once they’ve discussed the issue with their therapist, they feel relieved — like a weight has been lifted off of their shoulders. For others, the process may be more difficult and require that some therapy time be spent further discussing these feelings with your therapist.
I should also note that if a therapist returns your feelings of love in any form whatsoever, it is a breach of the professional therapeutic relationship and ethics. Professional therapists are trained to cope with their own “counter-transference” issues, and in the U.S., a romantic relationship between a client and their therapist is considered unethical and verboten. You should consider ending your relationship with such a therapist and talking to your regional ethics board about filing a complaint.
“Falling in love” with your therapist is sometimes a normal process of psychotherapy. It only means that you’re feeling positive, intense feelings for another person who is helping you with important issues in your life. Do not run away from these feelings — or your therapist — in fear. Talk to your therapist about them, and chances are, it will help.
585 comments
Manclient, my therapist sits with a clipboard on his lap. He takes notes.
But I have had to two others who did not take notes during the session, and a supervisor who doesn’t take notes during the session either. Some people don’t like T taking notes as they talk, so the therapist will make notes after the session.
Wow, these T’s must have a giant brain to remember what every one said. What if they have session after session… can they really remember?.
When I see clients I type everything before going to the next. Computer programs makes this easy. I can’t imagine remembering what every one said.
they don’t record word for word – unless the sessions are taped. They will note down anything of importance, subject discussed, perhaps notes about themselves, though mine has said he never writes down anything about his own thoughts because copies can be requested by client… hmm.
Hey y’all,
I found this webpage online which discusses the process of the feelings being posted here. It is extremely accurate. As I was reading it, I was shaking my head in disbelief. I had no idea i was such a textbook case! Step by step, this is exactly how my feelings developed and changed.
Check it out, its not that easy for some to follow perhaps but its a very accurate overview and shows how important this process really is to personal development.
http://www.g-gej.org/1-2/enamourment.html
I think I read every transference article on the internet to be read and not one of them fit in with my feelings. I still can’t say exactly what kind of transference I experienced. It was a very positive transference with an “in love” physical response that really had nothing to do with sex. Sometimes I wonder about the evolutionary factor here. Something sets the biological wheels spinning inappropriately. The huge difference for me than with others here was my therapist. He was 100% professional. Also the painful aspect for me was in wanting to give to him. There was never a real desire for anything inappropriate on my part. I’m not trying to annoy anyone with this information. I just can’t helping finding transference very fascinating. At any rate, I’ve been out of therapy for a year now and feel exactly the same about him. I adore him and don’t think it’s going to change. I feel quite peaceful about it. I guess I would strongly advocate the better training of therapists regarding how best to handle all of this. It seems a lot of them are getting it wrong with very painful results.
Wow. Lot’s of posts lately. Paraclete, Thank you for your comments. You are definately right. I do feel very fortunate to have escaped this inevitable torture you are talking about. If I feel this crapy from just an emotional affair, I can’t imagine how much worse I would feel if it turned physical. It does feel like a slow death of something inside of me. I finally deleted his number from my cell phone. Just seeing his name on my phone was hard. My current “T” thinks he is a sleeze ball and I have a hunch she is looking for a reason to report him. She asked me how much I know about him,and I said, “hmm, where do I start…” She stopped and said to herself, “What screams out, ‘rat on me’.” She thinks he’s wacko and should be suspended for some time. I am tired of feeling sorry for the jerks in my life. I am the victom and even though my “t” is just human and makes mistakes, I want to destroy him for hurting me so bad. I hate him for “neglecting” his duties to me. I dont care what happens to him anymore. It is out of my hands. If my t wants to rat him out i cant stop her anyway. She says he didn’t know what he was doing (clinically). She read my medical records and was shocked that he made no mention of the transference anywhere.
Well, Paraclete, I am glad not to be in your shoes. I feel so sad for you. How long are you going to let this torture go on? I can only imagine your pain. He is not being fair to you. You should get out of that mess as soon as you can. Yes, it will probally take you months or years to recover, but the sooner the better.
Poo,
Unfortunately, I am not a character in someone’s wild imagination. I wish I was. I do however, have a big sign on my back that says, “KICK ME”. 😉
Manclient,
My previous therapist never took notes. He said it stopped the flow. My new “t” does. It depends on the style of the therapist. I got copies of my medical records and each session is about a small paragraph. All kinds of mispelled words. He was definately racing through it. It probally took 5 minutes to type out between patients. Very general. Not detailed. Personally I think a lot was poorly documented and lots of important details left out. They dont really think someone is going to take the time to order their records. They just have to do it mostly for the insurance companies. You’re wife can get a copy of her records at anytime. How does she like her “t”?
Bonnie, there’s nothing dodgy going on with my therapy at the moment. My therapist and I got tangled up in the transference in a dangerous way, but we’ve navigated through it and he never gave up on me. I expected him to so many times – and for me, for my own personal reasons, that has been very important. I really have grown and learned a lot, painful as it has been.
I’m so glad to hear you are finally getting angry with that jerk. He sounds completely incompetent. Telling you to sit down and shut up? Telling you about his marraige? Frequency he shags his wife? Minimising your experience by comparing it to his own? Who is this guy! I know nothing about the condition of my T’s family life. I know he has one. That’s it. He never discusses it or discloses anything personal about himself. Did you current T tell you that excessive self disclosure on the part of the therapist is one of the primary flags for a T who is likely to engage in sexual boundary violations with clients?
I think you are right – your T could quite possibly have been responsive had you caught him in a ‘vulnerable moment’. He was leaving himself wide open to that, but it doesn’t sound like it had anything to do with you Bonnie, it sounds like he was completely selfish and was using you for his own gratification. That could have turned sexual. You would have been dropped just as quickly and just as violently if that had happened, but again you are right – the emotional toll would have been much more severe for you.
Paraclete, I did check it out. It’s very readable. Unfortunately, at my age I feel reasonably developed to know what I feel and why I’m feeling what I’m feeling. I do not need someone to shelf. I read it out of curiosity. I came to this website out of curiosity too. My friends kept repeating: “Transference/shmanference”. As for the paper, I see it as a writer seriously enamored with him self first ( or rather his position ). He wrote an Oda to him self for all to see. Not very humble stuff, I tell ya. Hard to take his nonsense seriously. Example? <> That’s right. I am in love with colors and furniture so “beautifully appointed” because the writer is the one who worked appointetion. Nuts! It’s not how patients see a therapist. There is no mystery or illusion. It’s how therapists often think patients sees them. He goes on <> Yes, we can’t sleep. We think about what our therapist thinks of us.
I’m willing to betch ya hundred bucks, Paraclete, that you are a psychologist, who is here to tread my head or ours. Can’t tell how many people we are having here total. I do get easily confused. I mean, who else, would call him self a Holy Spirit?
You’re way off the mark on that one Poo, i am not a psychologist, I haven’t had any training in mental health whatsoever. I am a childhood abuse survivor, a sufferer of severe PTSD, I have had BPD as a teenager and young adult, sacrificed one marriage and been to hell and back on my path to healing.
About what is written by professoinals on this subject, you are entitled to your opinions poo; Its a very brave and bold move of you to rubbish in one post the theories that have come from many years of research, by people who are qualified and educated enough to give an informed opinion.
For me, what was written there (which was just a basic overview and is expanded on in other literature elsewhere) accurately explained a process I have been through twice myself. If someone can read that and find that it resonates with their experience, and maybe gives them some explanation as to why they are feeling they way they are toward their therapist, and that they are not crazy – then it will have done the job I intended it to do in posting it here.
It’s not a bad thing, if you are a therapist, Paraclete. I think it’s about time a real therapist ( or two ) would chip in. I’m sure they’re lurking here, but not surprisingly I don’t see many comments on this sticky issue coming from them. They seem to shy away from Bonnie’s situation for example.
“Theories that have come from many years of research, by people who are qualified and educated enough to give an informed opinion.”
I don’t object or question education or qualifications of those people who came up with those theories or did research. I question information and where it came from, based on which they formed those opinions.
Paraclete,
Sounds like you have been through a lot. I don’t know how some people survive the things they go through. It is sad to hear that therapists are taking advantage (willingly or not) of vulnerable people like you. You say that you are not physically involved with your “t” right now. I can’t imagine that staying that way for too long. The chemistry must be leaving you guys so tense in those sessions. My heart goes out to you.
Paraclete,
Yes, my therapist was selfish. As are most of these therapists that cross boundaries like yours. Your “t” knows about transference and your horrible past and yet he allowed his personal feelings to dominate his professional boundaries. I have to fight temptation everyday and even then, having an affair with an equal is so much more different then having an affair with someone you are trying to help, someone vulnerable. I know it is probally hard for you to hear that because we want to protect our therapists so much. I know I would have stood up for my therapist till kingdom come, but now being on the outside of it all I can truly see how selfish these unprofessional therapists are. Yes, mine was using me for his own personal emotional gratification, as is yours. I can only imagine how hard it is to sit there week after week not being able to act on what you’ve been acting on in the past. Sounds like there could be a lot of sexual tension there, and realistically, I dont think it will be long before you guys are at it again. Sounds like a sticky situation. I can only talk as an outsider. I know if I was actually in your situation with my previous therapist, I wouldn’t care what anyone said, I’d take whatever I could take just to be near him. Love is a crazy thing.
Bonnie,
Thanks for the info. My wife likes her female “T”, I know that her “T” is not guy and my wife made it very clear to me long time ago that she was never curious about being with a women. I think she is safe of what you guys are suffering.
From this perspective, I am curious about how all of you guys here have chosen your “Ts”. Did you choose a guy for a reason? Did you think a guy would give something else beside therapy, I don’t mean physical, just maybe fulfilling a vacancy in your heart? When you were looking for “T” did you see his photo? If yes, does it being “good looking†or at least comfortable to the eye is important when you first chose a “Tâ€?
Honestly, I’m asking you these questions because if I were to look for a therapist for myself. I think I would want to talk to a women “T†and I think I want her to be easy on the eye. I would want to see her photo before I go to her. I think I need to be able to connect to my “T†and trust them, so I want to be with a person I like. I know this may change after a session or two, personality is important too. Let’s see if you guys have something in common regarding choosing you Ts.
My therapist was assigned. I usually would look up a doctor I will be seeing, just to get some idea. Not this time.
Odd name for someone who never read a psychology book, Manclient, so I wonder if you are related to Beth.
Poo, your paranoia gives you an interesting edge. We are the Borg, we own this site and we seek to assimilate you…
MANCLIENT: I wonder how many others will be honest about your question! Yes, I tried another male therapist when I was looking at replacing the one I’ve got (didn’t succeed) and yes, I chose him because he was male, because he was very clever, and because he was not ugly. Like you, I cannot imagine being emotionally intimate with someone who repels me -physically or otherwise.
My current and original therapist however was a slightly different story. Originally I had a different relationship with him. He is also a physiotherapist and me a professional athlete. He was my physio before he was my therapist, and I was physically attracted to him before we started psychotherapy together. Probably not the best base to start from, but I needed a T urgently at the time and my previous female therapist was overseas. He offered to see me. We then entered a dual relationship; Therapy and bodywork.
I’d say the fact that he’s very handsome may have influenced why I agreed to see him for therapy.
And before the lectures come flooding in on how STUPID that was … I already know.
BONNIE: I’ve been in therapy with my T now for 2 1/2 years. That initial stage of OMG, the tension is unbearable has disappeared. You don’t sustain that amount of attraction and fascination for a person for that long, it eventually subsides. Definitely I still have feelings for him, but you know what after our recent blow up/fight/almost end to therapy, there’s been a change. Maybe you are right, maybe we will go back to how we were – but it doesn’t seem likely. He no longer hugs me, and I don’t believe he wants to anymore.
I would not give my therapist a second glance, passing him on a street, yet several months later it was me sobbing on the phone to another doctor: ” I love his dandruff! I need help!”. I begged to be transferred, no one listen. I was under so much stress at a time, even thinking about it now makes my skin crawl. The last thing I needed then, on top of what was happening to me already, is unfulfilling mad crush on someone I can’t even see outside of his office, because it’s absolutely inappropriate. The only response I’ve got (many times) when I called – only your therapist can make such a decision. It was a period of my life when laws of physic no longer applied.
So to answer your question, yes we all went to see our respective therapists to see if they are not bad affair or marriage material and can produce healthy offsprings. Sorta like going to an eyes gazing party instead of speed dating. They are in style now, you know.
Manclient,
Interesting question, and interesting answers. I didn’t exactly choose my therapist nor was I looking for one. He was appointed to my husband. My husband suggested we go to his therapist for some marriage counceling. After a few unsucessful marriage sessions, my husband and “t” suggested that maybe he can start seeing me individually. When I first walked into his office with my husband, I saw how handsome he was and said to myself, “Oh oh, don’t go falling inlove with this guy now.” I managed to keep his looks from distracting me for about the first year and a half–well, kinda. Then there was the denial when I started getting nervous before sessions and fixing myself for a long time. Then it hit me, “You have it in for this guy.” Then all hell broke lose.
Poo, I am You, remember !!!
Hi Gals and Guys,
I am getting angrier and angrier as I realize that my new therapist (2 months with him now) who said he is a “psychoanalyst” probably either induced or allowed for transferance to happen in our setting together. I am angry because I am nearing the end of a n extremely arduous, thorough 4th step in AA and it has pulled me back from suicide and saved my life and these feelings I have for my therapist are derailing me from the progress I’ve made.
I was forced to see him by my med person I fought it but inorder to get meds I had to go to therapy. I told my therapist that i already had a program and delicate process of recovery and that I would under no circumstances let anyone f*** with me.
Then I realize I have all these feelings – am obsessing about him sexually and romantically – and I do some research and realize it’s transferrance. I’m angry that he is doing exactly what I asked him not to do, f***ing with my head.
In all fairness to him, he may not have induced or allowed for this to happen, it might be my own loneliness. But I am going to talk to him about it this week. You know, I found a real solution for my problems including love & sex problems and I don’t need additional problems right now. The process of recovery I am undergoing is beautiful and delicate and I don’t want all my hard work to go to waste. I do not believe both methods of recovery can co-exist.
Mission Control. Roger. We copy. Over. Yes, Sir! My therapist is him, not my therapist. You are not you, you are me. Got it. Over.
He kissed me. K
Kriistene, who kissed you? your therapist?
Kriistene! How did this happen?! We want details.
Lol we should be horrified. Instead we’re jealous. C’mon Kriistene, details!
(assuming your T kissed you, that is…)
This place is full of Anna Karenina’s. Poor General Surgeon. What transference has to do with any of it?
Hi Folks. Have been reading this site and it’s made me feel as though when transferrance happens, there’s only a NEW problem to deal with. So I am very upset that it has happened with me in therapy.
I was forced to go to therapy by my med doc. I still need some anti-anxiety medicine from her so I went against my better judgment. I have been in therapy for years and it never helped much. Then i began to work the 12 steps in AA very, very thoroughly with a sponsor and things finally started to get better for me about 6 months ago.
Doing the step work and NOT going to therapy was the best I felt in years. I think it’s because in therapy I was stuck in the problem and stuck in “self”, and in AA I’ve been shown that getting out of self (while still addressing my problems) is what works.
Anyway, I’m in the last part (SEX INVENTORY) of a very thorough 4th step. It’s like brain and heart surgery. To begin to “obsess” about my therapist at this time is taking me right back to not being present for real relationships and life. I’m only “transferring” obsessions and dissapointments from my life and people onto my therapist. I don’t want that. I already have a FULL solution that does AWAY with obsession and DEALS with disappointments. So for me, this whole therapy and transferrance thing is doing exactly what I feared – it’s pulling me in the other direction from my very fragile work in the AA steps which was leading me down the right path.
I don’t want to masturbate my life away being blocked from real relationships. I don’t want to transfer addictions of any kind anymore. I have a solution to be free of this now, and I’m pissed that my therapist obviously didn’t “hear” me when I tried to tell him about it. Apparently he went right ahead and did what he wanted to even though I told him I wouldn’t let him “f*** with me”.
In all fairness, he might not have induced or allowed for transferrance. Maybe I’m just lonelier than I thought. I am going to ask him about it tomorrow.
The last thing I need is more problems, especially one called ‘transferrance’ in which people sound like they end up in a ton of pain.
Hmm. My turn to have a cry.
I said my T no longer hugs me. We hadn’t discussed it, he just stopped. I walk in the room, no hug. I leave, no hug. So today I mentioned it and asked why he’s changed, he gave me no answer that made any sense. He just said its because he thinks its good for me. I pointed out that it hurts, that he told me it was a nice way of connecting with me and now he just suddenly decides to stop.
I cried so much afterwards.
I read once of a woman who slept with her therapist for a few months, then suddenly told her he wouldn’t be sleeping with her anymore. No explanation, she was shattered at being dropped like that and spent the next two years trying to seduce him into resuming their ‘relationship’.
WHy do therapists do this to clients? They take our hearts, have themselves a feast, then when the icings all licked off they throw us in the bin.
For the record, i’m prepared to say now that mine has let me; massage his feet, hold stroke and kiss his hands, kiss his cheek, sit beside me on the couch, sit with his arms around me, hold his face in my hands, sit with my hand on his thigh. Now Slam! I’m not allowed so much as to shake his hand anymore.
oh, and yeah I’m aware that none of that stuff should have been happening to start with. But having it, then losing it, is worse than never having been allowed it in the first place.
I nearly walked out in front of a car today. two swerved, third one would have made contact but I thought of my children and stepped back.
This is dangerous stuff. What doesn’t kill us is supposed to make us stronger though, isn’t it.
Intersting, very interesting indeed.
I have come to believe that transference is in all relationships. Spouses, friendships…This stuff is everywhere. It’s just intensified and studied in the therapy room.
All of what is being described here is completely unprofessional. Unbelievable really. Paraclete, please get away from this man. This is dangerous. This is not what should be happening in a therapy room. Very disturbing, to say the least.
Poo, it’s true that I’m very interested in psychology and want to become a therapist myself. I enjoy helping others. That is what therapy is supposed to be about. How do these Ts get a license to practice? I can’t believe what I’m reading in here. I’m just not sure why I infuriate you so much, Poo. It is not my intention.
All it was, was the last session of the year until the 1st wk in january. We had carried on most of the session laughing, and we stood up he kissed me half on the mouth and cheek and I reached up and we both hugged, and he said “please stay safe on the road over Christmas….stay safe. Nothing more nothing less. Poor “General Surgeon” …nothing ! He’s ok I told him, and he said he has always been a passionate person hasn’t he . xx K
Poo, I understand.
I’m going to tell you why “Ts†do that to you, only talking about men “Ts. Because I am a man I can truly imagine what they are thinking.
The “Ts†you are talking about are simply men who are just like you “clients†torn between being professional and wanting to have a relationship with you. Men think about sex all the time, there is nothing attractive than having a good looking women who the “Ts” know she is not a whore, that is dying to be hugged and kissed and even more. These “Ts†want you so bad, believe me, they want you so bad more than what you want them. This is the only logic explanation to why they are doing what they are doing. If a “T†is not interested in you he will do the right thing from day one and stop the problem. He will send you to someone else. They keep you on to feed of you and to fulfill some of their hunger to mate with more women and it helps their egos, their heads get bigger. They want you bad , trust me, they think about you every day, all day, when they do something wrong “kissing youâ€, they live in fear for the next time they see you, then they say to them self, oh, it’s ok, and wrong things keep on going. One day they get too afraid for their life, for their jobs, they may think using their head for a second, here where you “Clients” feel rejected and hurt. They don’t feel the way you “clients†feel because their egos are big and their heads even bigger; they know they can have you back in one second.
Men, including me are babies in suites, you women in this site have forgotten how deal with us. Forgotten how to play hard to catch. When your “T†reject your advances suddenly, all what you need to do is showing that you don’t care, fake it, skip your next app, and the next one, the next one you come in don’t give these men the attention they want, treat them like babies, because that what men are, Babies.
But this is not why you went to therapy. This is not what it supposes to happen in therapy sessions. This is all wrong. All wrong.
Manclient:
what you just wrote is exactly what I’ve heard from my ex husband on this subject, and he’s a very experienced and intuitive man. So I believe you, I really do.
Why do you think my T has suddenly put his foot down now then? And we had quite an argument about it. He’s determined he’s not going to allow a hug or anything physical anymore. He told me it’s ‘for my own good’, that I need to stop being so dependent and though it probably hurts I have to trust him.
Am I right to believe this means he no longer has feelings for me? It just changed so fast. We had a fight, a big one. I humiliated him professionally by making a scene in his office in front of his colleagues. Then I stopped therapy. I came back a month later, and he was unsure he wanted to take me back. He threatened that I should maybe see someone else, but he was thinking about it. Then, in only a couple of weeks, it was back to normal. He dropped his anger, and no more talk of referring me. But he had stopped hugging me.
Manclient – I know my T has wanted me – very much. I have been able to tell. A man doesn’t hug a woman, full bodied and let his hands linger on her, a good T doesn’t do that knowing how badly his client wants him, after hearing all about her erotic and sexual dreams about him, without wanting her back.
What do you think is happening? He told me he still cares about me, very much – but that we not going to hug anymore.
Manclient:
what you just wrote is exactly what I’ve heard from my ex husband on this subject, and he’s a very experienced and intuitive man. So I believe you, I really do.
Why do you think my T has suddenly put his foot down now then? And we had quite an argument about it. He’s determined he’s not going to allow a hug or anything physical anymore. He told me it’s ‘for my own good’, that I need to stop being so dependent and though it probably hurts I have to trust him.
Am I right to believe this means he no longer has feelings for me? It just changed so fast. We had a fight, a big one. I humiliated him professionally by making a scene in his office in front of his colleagues. Then I stopped therapy. I came back a month later, and he was unsure he wanted to take me back. He threatened that I should maybe see someone else, but he was thinking about it. Then, in only a couple of weeks, it was back to normal. He dropped his anger, and no more talk of referring me. But he had stopped hugging me.
Manclient – I know my T has wanted me – very much. I have been able to tell. A man doesn’t hug a woman, full bodied and let his hands linger on her, a good T doesn’t do that knowing how badly his client wants him, after hearing all about her erotic dreams about him, without wanting her back.
What do you think is happening? He told me he does definitely care about me – but that he’s very sure I need to stop the hugs. He denies it has anything to do with him. He says its for me. I don’t believe him. Two years, through everything else – the distance, the arguments, the upsets – the hugs have been consistent, and increased in intensity. Why would he suddenly have stopped them? From a mans point of view?
paraclete
This could have been a wakeup call for him, he did not want to wakeup but when you humiliated him professionally and made a scene in his office, you made others aware of something unusual is going on. You freaked him out big time. He is afraid of losing everything. Not hugging you again has absolutely nothing to do with you, he still want you just as much. He is simply scared, he thought about it for so long, he came with the conclusion that if he send you to some else you may get upset and tell the other “T†about him and cause trouble, while if he keeps you and stop doing what he is not suppose to do, he can make this issue stretch over time and become a memory. Trust me he is playing his own agenda. And a man like him could easily have other women who he likes to play his narcissistic games with them. He wants you but he can live without hugging you; he is very likely hugging another client as I type this. If you stay with him long enough, if you play hard to catch, if he doesn’t feel threatened by you any more, he will hug you again. He still remember how good it felt to have his body against yours, he remembers how good your hair smelled, he still get aroused when he think about you as he lay in bed.
He is keeping you now because it’s safer to him and because he may feel ok to hug you again. Because he wants to.
Manclient, that does sound like it makes sense. Do you really reckon he’s not just bored and over me now? Its so confusing. I think he’s stopped the hugging (and everything else – i’m not even allowed to sit closer than two meters now)because , you know what, he says I need to ‘face how it makes me feel’ and not be so dependent on him, but he clearly has had a huge attraction to me. I think he’s doing this because HE needs to get over ME. Is that too arrogant of me to assume this could be possible? it just makes the most sense because I can’t see how he could SUDDENLY stop caring for me like that.
Gosh, I hope someone else is getting some kind of benefit from this cos I hate to air my dirty laundry online like this. Even if only anonomously. This is a huge country, what are the chances that i’m going to be recognised amongst 20 or 30 million people? Still….
And its about time we had a male’s input – men really do think differently to us. From my experience – you men generally seem to agree on this subject. I think that makes what you say pretty reliable.
paraclete,
Trust me on this, he is afraid, his fear overcome his emotions, the fear make him think using his head. He wants to feel safe again. This is the only way he can do that. Keeping you around but not so close.
We all know this is not going to end the way you wanted. Even if you had a relationship with him, it’s not going to get any better for you.
Run paraclete, run now, make it your idea to be away from him. Step on your heart once. Skip next session, tell him you are busy.. just try it.
Ok, if I skip my next session – which is two days away, what will happen?
How about an input from hermaphrodite Poo? Nothing most likely. Chances are he is feeding on someone else, not just you, inside or outside of his office. And I am not talking about his wife.
Beth, you’re “infuriating” me because in all your posts you’re coming from an ideal place with ethical psychologists. It has not been my experiences. Just an opposite. It’s not a fury, it’s a green envy, since your rosy place seems very far from reality. If you are trying to become a psychologist your self, I’d think you would be able to picked up on it by now.
i know that a ‘relationship’ won’t end well, i don’t want it to. I don’t ‘want’ a physical relationship with him. I thought I did once, but i’m telling you I got the ‘substance sufficient’ version. It has been just as hard on me. I do want to go back to him hugging me though. And when he does, I will be the one to then stop it. I want to be able to regain that control, this was stopped without my input and I feel completely powerless. It took two to agree to it starting, it should take two to agree to it finishing.
Poo, i don’t like to think about it but its probably true – he will be enjoying his other female clients too.
In fact, I hate that thought. My only consolation comes from knowing I’m better looking than them. THe ones i’ve seen that is, he doesn’t have very many. He also works as a physio.
And no, my looks are not something I usually brag about, but when it comes to T and other women, the claws come out.
and you’re not really a hermaphrodite are you Poo … ? Do hermies like to push their T up against the wall and kiss em?? LOL you crack me up.
First don’t give him a reason, just say I’ve something to do. Don’t make it sound threatening, try to sound happy. Like you have a date.
The point is to get him to think, get him to feel that he is no longer in control. He will feel that you are over him, that you don’t need him as you used to. That you can say NO, and you can miss his sessions.
You will gain three things here: 1- if you sound happy and cancel the session, he will feel that you are not a threat. 2- He will feel that you are feeling better and can no longer crave him, this will make him the weak one and he will want you more. 3: the most important, you feel strong, you are in control, you are no longer the follower.
I know you will miss him, don’t show it to him, when you see him later in the session. Control your feeling , ignore him, don’t say anything about him or about both of you, just about the problem you originally needed help in. if you can do this twice, you will be a champion in front of yourself. He will become weaker, and you may even dislike him, women don’t like weak men. Just give him the reason and he will show you the real him, weak, needy.
This may be hard to do if you have some much love for him, but it will turn the table around. He may not show you the effect that you caused, but trust me he will be burning inside.
Can I say something about all this? I have been reading and don’t mean to butt in, just hope I can be helpful (?)
I don’t think it’s smart to assume what the therapist (or any other human being, for that matter) thinks. He could simply be freaked out by the whole situation. I would focus on using this whole experience in a constructive way and trying to get past the obsession. I know that’s what i’m going to do. I will use my feelings for my therapist the way they are supposed to be used – to work out intense feelings so i can actually be present for a real relationship of my own. If my feelings don’t go away after a while then I will leave. But I think if I focus on using the time in that office the right way and try to learn from it and be present for my real life and get out and meet new people, great things could happen.
For anyone who might have seen my post (above), I told my therapist about my feelings today. He said I did a good job with that. It was hard. I wanted to cry but I laughed instead. It is difficult “sitting” with intense feelings and I was mortified. I planned on quitting today but he asked me to come back next week to discuss it further. Maybe he wants to think about it a little to, I don’t know. But again, i won’t “assume” anything.
I get the feeling he really cares about helping me and I appreciate it. He didn’t “induce” transferrance, it’s a side affect of the intensity that is beginning in that office. I feel safe and cradled tonight because now I have both a loving sponsor and caring therapist. They aren’t all bad. I am giving mine the benefit of the doubt and am probably going to continue working with him. I will sit through th discomfort and see if I can gain any insight and healing from past relationships so i can grow up and have a healthy, real one of my own.
But he IS hot *wink*
PS Other reason I want to use my feelings for my therapist constructively is that I want to resolve non-romantic relationships that have been disappointing to me.
I wish everyone the best of luck! I hope I don’t get side-tracked in obsession. I am going to fight it and ask God for a LOT of help to steer me on the right path with this and grow from it. 🙂
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