“I think I’m in love with my therapist. What’s wrong with me? What should I do?”
It is not unusual to feel strong feelings of “love” or affinity toward your therapist. But those feelings probably aren’t what you think.
Psychodynamic theory suggests the reason that many people fall in love with their therapist is because they are repeating emotional patterns they experienced as children toward their parents. This behavior and set of feelings was first described by Sigmund Freud who coined the term “transference” to describe it. He discovered transference after noting this many of his mostly-female clients would start describing their own romantic feelings toward him. In some patients, the feelings were not romantic, but instead more childlike and Freud took on a parental role in the patient’s mind. It was as though Freud became their father figure, and the tempestuous relationship would then play out in his office.
Freud described this process over a hundred years ago, and therapists and their clients still deal with this issue even in modern psychotherapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy. Because the process itself is a very real possible side effect of psychotherapy, although it doesn’t happen to everyone in all therapeutic situations.
Why Does Transference Occur?
Nobody can say for certain why transference seems to be a process of many people’s psychotherapy, regardless of the actual background of the therapist or focus of therapy. Goal-focused, short-term psychotherapy is no guarantee that transference won’t occur. Some cognitive-behavioral therapists, in their efforts to focus on empirically-based treatments, simply ignore these feelings when they come up in the course of psychotherapy. Others downplay their importance.
Transference likely occurs because the therapeutic environment is generally seen as a safe, supportive and nurturing environment. Therapists are seen as accepting, positive influences in our lives, but sometimes also as authoritative guides. In these various roles, a therapist can inadvertently step into roles previously occupied in our lives by one of our parents. Or a client can become infatuated with the seemingly endless supply of wisdom and positive self-regard some therapists exude. The effects can be just as intoxicating as one’s first love. In this increasingly detached world, someone who spends nearly a full hour with our undivided attention may become quite godlike.
Therapists may also represent an individual in a person’s life that provided the unconditional acceptance (and perhaps love) that we all seek from important others in our life. Our mother. Our father. A sibling. A lover. A therapist doesn’t ask for a person to be anything other than themselves. And in the honest emotional environment that’s so often found in the best therapists’ office, it’s easy to idealize (and in some cases, idolize) the accepting, caring professional who sits across from us.
I Think I’m in Love! Now What?
So you feel like you’re in love with your therapist and while intellectually you may understand that this is just a normal process of psychotherapy for some, you still need to do something about it.
The first thing to understand is that this is not anything you should be ashamed or afraid of. This type of transference is not an uncommon feature of psychotherapy, and these kinds of feelings are not something you can simply just turn on and off at will. Having these feelings for your therapist is not “unprofessional” nor does it cross any kind of therapeutic boundaries.
Second, talk to your therapist. Okay, I know this is the hardest step, but it is also the most important. Your therapist should be experienced and trained in transference issues (yes, even the modern cognitive-behavioral therapists), and be able to talk to you about them in an open and accepting manner. As with most issues in therapy, bringing it out into the open and talking about it usually is sufficient to help most people in dealing with their feelings. Your therapist should also talk to you about ways you can better understand them in the context of your therapeutic relationship, family history and background, and what kinds of things you might be able to do to help and reduce their intensity.
Third, accept your feelings and continue in focusing on the reasons that brought you into therapy in the first place. For some people, this will be easy. Once they’ve discussed the issue with their therapist, they feel relieved — like a weight has been lifted off of their shoulders. For others, the process may be more difficult and require that some therapy time be spent further discussing these feelings with your therapist.
I should also note that if a therapist returns your feelings of love in any form whatsoever, it is a breach of the professional therapeutic relationship and ethics. Professional therapists are trained to cope with their own “counter-transference” issues, and in the U.S., a romantic relationship between a client and their therapist is considered unethical and verboten. You should consider ending your relationship with such a therapist and talking to your regional ethics board about filing a complaint.
“Falling in love” with your therapist is sometimes a normal process of psychotherapy. It only means that you’re feeling positive, intense feelings for another person who is helping you with important issues in your life. Do not run away from these feelings — or your therapist — in fear. Talk to your therapist about them, and chances are, it will help.
585 comments
I fell in love with my therapist. It was the most painful and lonely experience that I have ever had and I hope to God it never happens again. Therapy leads a person into, sometimes, intense emotions. Mix some interpersonal chemistry with a consistent relationship that offers unconditional positive regard, and you have a recipe for a situation which is unnatural and intensely seductive. There was no cure for me, except to leave therapy. Because of my emotional vulnerability and my therapist’s eventual hostile reaction (I ended up overburdening him with my unresolved feelings for him), the situation became a highly unsafe one. I don’t believe that what I was experiencing was transference. Freud did not have it all figured out. It was simply a kind of love that would have developed for anyone who had made me feel wonderful and cared for. If he and I had met under different circumstances and he had shown the same “interest†in me that he had in therapy, I do not see any reason why I would not have felt the same way about him. The problem with therapy is that although you might develop real feelings for your therapist, his feelings toward you are merely bought and paid for. They are not real. That is why the seduction is so cruel. Therapists should come with their own warning labels: WARNING: Developing a relationship with a therapist may be dangerous to your health, as the feelings of devotion and admiration you will eventually experience for him will never be returned. Do your heart a favor and take up a hobby, instead. You will live a happier and longer life.
I am so in love with my therapist. I’ve been thinking about him day and night-like some new obsession. This occured after he told my husband and I that he was relocating and leaving his position. We had only been in marriage counselling for about 6 – 7 weeks. Oftentimes during counselling, I would feel that I was in the wrong relationship. The therapist is gorgeous, understanding, loving and let me be my true self. When I first walked in for counselling I found him checking me out, and when I approached him, he got real nervous like a school boy. My husband even asked after the therapist and I cried together, if I thought the therapist he developed a personal connection with me, and I could tell he was becoming jealous. I played it off, but I am hopelessly in love.
I am an artist and this is my therapists last week in the city. I’ve gone by his office a couple of times, trying to make excuses that I want him to call me so that I can paint a portrait of him. He hasn’t called, and in a way it’s a positive thing. I also know he is a christian and a professional, and will do the right thing. I may as well forget about it but it is real hard. I don’t know what to do about it. In the meantime, the relationship between my husband and I has extremely improved. So, not only did he work a miracle in our lives, he left this lasting impression to the point where I am extremely confused. It is very ackward. The therapist probably knows that I am in love with him. It is painful, embarrassing, and shocking. And, I can’t even talk to him about it because he has moved on. I’ve cried every day for the last week. Perhaps I’ll paint the portrait from memory, and write about it. However, I real that these feelings will continue. What’s a phenomenal woman to do? This is what he referred to me as during the last session. I realize that he was doing his job, but perhaps he’s done it a little too well.
To Kriistene, I would love to hear the latest developments in your situation? I actually went back, again, and again and finally, I think, today was my last session for a (long!)while. My therapist actually kissed (closed lips) me after the session, and that really makes my knees weak! He knows how I feel, and we try to discuss the feeling, in terms of reaching a resolution, but I know that he also enjoys the attention, and I also know (I can see…) that he’s attracted to me. He said today, that if he did not care for me, he would contemplate a relationship, but that he knows I will get hurt, and will suffer from the consequences. I have a wonderful husband, and I just need to fall in love with him again. I am so sad, it’s as if I lost a real true love, only I can’t tell anyone, or even explain it to myself!
i’ve been with my current therapist for 2 1/2 years and thankfully i’ve never had feelings of “love” for her. i’ve never wished she was my mother or any of that. i do have the occassioanl sexual fantasy that involves her but i do nearly all women 10 + years my junior.
my concern is, that my T is having these feelings for me. perhaps ‘concern’ is the wrong word…
i’m sure someone out there will tell me this is some kind of transference on my part lol
First of all, with one or two exceptions, it looks as though the people on here who are experiencing these issues of love and lust for their therapists are all women and their objects of affection are male therapists.
I am a 36 year old man who is without question falling deeply in love with the woman who counsels me on a weekly basis.
I am not in counselling/therapy to heal from pain. I am there to continue to grow and evolve into a better, stronger, and more aware human than I could ever imagine being. This is a point I must make clear so that some ground based conclusions can be constructed.
I know now in no uncertain terms that this is not transference. I live far too intentionally to know this as fact.
As others have also noted, I would have fallen deeply in love with her in any other part of my life. Had we crossed paths in some other capacity there is little to zero doubt in what kind of love that would have blossomed.
The truth of it is that what I feel is love in its purest form. It is unbridled. It is very present. It is unabashedly soulful.
This love, like any pure love, is without constraints and bounds. There are no labels attached. There are no conditions.
In fact, as often have been written many a great love stories, forbidden love is not something that should be cast away by the limitations placed on it by the illusion of “tangible” societal ethics.
I do not encourage myself into recklessly embracing a love that in all likelihood will not be reciprocated. That would be an emotional risk that I am unwilling to take.
However, life unto itself is innately risky, so I will calculate carefully whether or not this risk should be taken.
Where I would love to receive some input from others, would be on my intention to raise the issue with her outside of counselling.
Unless the Universe has something in store for me that I am yet to discover, my idea rests in the from of a clearly written letter. This way, I can sincerely offer her the chance to read it in private and away from the reality of being in session. I can offer her a way out of continuing to cousel me as a result of sharing my love, or she can choose to continue to be my therapist without reciprocating the love and acknowledging it. Or the final and ultimately desired outcome, would be that she takes my offered love and gently returns it in full bloom to me outside of the societal constraints placed upon her and I. We could in this case embark down a path that has been taken by some before, is being taken by some presently, and will be taken by many others in the future.
Love has no boundaries.
Transceiver. Therapists are not allowed to have relationships with clients. It depends upon the kind of therapy she is giving you as to whether she can even know you outside of counseling/therapy after two years of not seeing you. Love may have no boundaries, but therapists and counselors are bound by their ethics codes, which force strick boundaries upon them. Love stinks, in therapy, Transceiver.
I would – and do – fall in love with anyone who gives genuine concern, non-judgmental interaction and serious eye contact.
“Transference” is a silly hypothesis. If the exact same relationship qualities could occur more frequently outside therapy, we’d all be falling in deep with a lot more people.
Transference exists in every relationship outside of therapy. Some love attachments are transference-based. But underneath that, they’re all connection and needs based. Therapy fulfills the needs for connection, validation, being known, being heard and being valued.
Falling in love doesn’t require the patient to know the therapist. It doesn’t require the love to know the loved. To LOVE someone requires knowing the other, but to be in love doesn’t. It’s not transference. It’s a crush. It’s a one-sided powerful pull that has little to nothing to do with “the other’s” needs.
Two great books that helped me here when a really great therapist couldn’t deal with this subject very well —
In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists by Deborah A. Lott
Preventing Boundary Violations in Clinical Practice, Thomas G. Gutheil, Archie Brodsky
Hi Susan Dec22nd…pain is on occations incredibly intense when it comes to therapy. I would certainly not incourage a relationship between patient and therapist. My situation at this very moment is as follows, I am continuing to see him in therapy dispite the fact he does not want to continue with private practice…I am very lucky!! I offerred to be referred on but he said no. For many yrs I have watched him work, socialized at Dr. functions and he has remained the same…an amazing caring genuine person. When therapy ends who knows…I have however thought as he is such a wonderful person I would not contemplate hurting or comprimising each other. Having said all of this, I think a fast ride on the back of his motor cycle sounds hot, he knows I am petrified about it !!!! What a hottie, I wish I had never ended up in therapy 🙂
Hi kriistene, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I sometimes also wished I could skip this episode completely, like fast-forward!!! I suffer from anxiety and depression, and (un)fortunately these (pleasant!?) feelings have caused me to feel anxious and depressed all over again! It actually helps that I need to focus on getting better again, although it is with his help haha! I try not to think about it as much as before, and am making some progress. When I am better again, I will just have to maybe try and avoid going to see him. Take care! Remember that this is a potential hurting situation, to both of you.
Hi, I agree with you completely, focus and get better that’s the most important thing for you to do. I really wish you well, take care and I had better think of “hotter” things, like….its going to be 112 F “down under” here in inland Australia!!! Guess I won’t be wearing much at the session today!, sorry…..focus, bad Kriitene
Hi K, we’re having much the same temperatures now in South Africa. I’m actually looking forward to the winter!
i fell in love with my therprist 5 years ago, i think i loved her because she showed me love, that she cared. no one ever showed me love before, i knew she was for me and i had to tell her some how, she told me to write my feeling down on paper so i did, at this time i was in a hospital when she read the paper, she didnt show up for work the next day or for next 3mths. another nurse told me it will never happen. they sure know how to rip a heart out. i miss her very much, i hope she reads this and saves me
Stephen JT, Hi…Writing feelings down on paper is an excellant recommendation as we can often find it difficult to verbalise issues that are so important to us. Being with your therapist for so long,and her suggesting to write your feelings down and then not providing a resolution is painful for you, and unprofessional conduct by the therapist. Be strong during your pain and come out at the other end ok….. you will K
Hi Stephen JT… are you there and ok, let us know how you are, take care
if feelings are mutual and therapy is over, how long before one can start socializing with a therapist/client just as friends and perhaps develop a relationship if it is meant to be? I cannot immagine that two people that genuinely care about each other, are not allowed to know one another better, merely for ethical boundaries sake, when those are not longer an issue! Can the doctor reply to this?
Hi MG, I believe in America, the legislation states the patient has to have ceased therapy, including medications for up to a period of 2 years before commencing a personal relationship. I believe this is also the case in Australia, I am not sure. Hope that helps. K
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Hi,
I won’t get into to much detail about my situation. That would go on forever. I have been seeing my pshyciatrist/therapist for just under a year now. He is an amazing human being and has helped me deal with my depression issues. He has been patient, kind, understanding and considerate all the while remaining professional. How can I not fall in love with such a wonderful person as this? While I know that this idea of “love” I have for him is Transferance, the issue still remains: I am deeply attracted to him. I believe that to some extent, he is aware of my attraction to him, but it is never discussed. I’m too afraid to bring it up. I think for the most part, that we have connected more on a human level, and I think that this is the reason I find myself physially attracted to him. I am not dillusional in any way in thinking that this man would give up his life/career for me. I know that even if he felt the same way, it could never be because of the circumstances-ie, doctor/patient. My question is this then: Should I tell him how I feel about him? I really want to know that if the circumstances were different, would he feel anything for me? Say, if we had been introduced by mutual friends? Does he think, knowing the person that I am in front of him, could he possibly be attracted to me? I am dying to ask him this..I just want to know what he thinks about me, even if he says no. What is your opinion on this everyone? Your advise is apprecated.
Mr Grohol,
When is that article on countertransferance coming out? I’d be very interested in reading this.
I don’t think I would tell him. I can understand the wanting to know, but if he said yes, and you still can’t do it, does it really change anything?
Hi Clyde,
Thankyou so much for your response. Yes, it’s driving me crazy, and you are right, it doesn’t change anything. In my case though, knowing how he feels about me almost seems enough, but then again it could be dangerous too. I dunno, it’s the ying and the yang. I really want to know, but there are consequences that go with this. In the mean time, I find myself thinking about him all the time, wondering what it would be like. We have amazing conversations. Sometimes, when I see him, the session just involves talking, simple conversations about life, politics, our children, the weather etc., This is what makes it so difficult. For a full hour, here we are connecting as people and then boom, the hour is up. It’s hard to make the transition back, because really it’s no different than sitting with a friend in a coffee shop and discussing our personal woes. Not to mention the fact that I have never been as real with anyone else as I am with him. I’ve told him things that I have never told anyone else in my life. Anyway, any other comments or suggestions are appreciated. In the mean time, I will continue to suffer in silence. So frustrating.
I started therapy after my husband had been seeing this therapist for a few weeks regarding his ability (or inability) to deal with the idea that I wanted to end our marriage. After 8 or 10 weeks I obtained a PPO against my husband. I have not seen him since. Its been 6 months, I continue to see the therapist, and have for over3 months I have started developing strong feelings towards him. A few weeks ago I asked him If I could have a hug from him when our session was over, he said yes and gave me a big hug. He explained that it was ok for me to want that and for him to give that. I am crazy about him. That hug was the final push for me to really accept it. I have wanted to tell him ever since, even though I know it’s perfectly natural for me to develop these feelings, and that they are not really “in love” feelings. It’s more of a real love. Like I have never felt before. I have never felt so accepted and loved by anyone like I do for him. I do not have any sexual feelings for him, but I want so badly to tell him that I love him. What do you think, should I?
Hi Julia,
I think, that after reading your story, you just want to tell your therapist that you love him as a friend, brother, father? I think that there is no harm in this, in fact, what human being would not want to know the impact that they have made in someone’s life? If you are sure that you have no sexual feelings for him, then I say go for it. In my case, I do have sexual feelings for my therapist and there in lies the problem: How do you tell someone you can never have a relationship with that you love them? This is the difference. Be clear when or if you decide to tell him. It makes a difference..believe me, it does. Hope this helps. Suggestions or comments from others are appreciated.
I looked this topic up because of my strong feelings of love for my therapist, who I was seeing for marriage counseling then individual counseling once my husband and I decided to divorce. The sessions only lasted about 5 months, but thats all it took. Based on my experience with therapy, and the unresolved feelings that remain after the original issue is overcome, I will never seek counseling again, nor would I recommend it to anyone. I am very successful at work, financially independent, have grown children, have been married twice, have very loving parents, but am still trying to get my female counselor out of my head and heart. I agree that “transference” (if that is what it is) opens up that vast capacity we all have to love unconditionally, but it leaves me feeling incapacitated because there is nothing I can do to rid myself of it.
No name female,
Yes, this is what makes it so hard. I agree 100% about never going into therapy again. While core issues are resolved, it just opens the door to other issues, ones that we don’t always expect. In my case, I have completley stopped calling him. I no longer see him face to face, but was continuing to talk to him on the phone 2 or 3 times a week (at his encouragement). I finally stopped doing that. I know that he wonders why I haven’t called. Not long ago he called me and left a message to “just check” if I was doing okay. While I know this is a sign of a good therapist, ( He is a wonderful human being and cares for all his patients), hearing his voice drove me mad! I finally made the decision to never contact him again. Having said that, I still think about him, but am much calmer about the situation…not the same urgency as I had before. With time, I hope that the intense feelings that I have for him will become less intense and when I do think of him it will be replaced with fondness.
What if I’m a girl in love with one of my teachers, who sometimes acts like a therapist.. should I still talk to him about it. I know there’s no shame in talking to your therapist about it, but what about a teacher.. it seems much more risky
Jane,
Expressing your feelings to anyone who is in a position bound by a code of ethics is risky. After all, you are putting your feelings out there and most likely the feelings you have for this person will not (and should not) be recieprocated. It’s only risky if the feelings are receiprocated. There is no harm in telling someone that you care about them because they have shown you kindness and compassion, but that is as far as it should go.
hi kriisence (spelling, sorry) yes i am here and ok thank you. why do therapsits, nurses etc.. give the impressive they really like you? ever seen i came out of that psychritic ward i havent been myself. i have no motivative, low self atstrem abit depressed. hardly set foot out the front door. people you got to understand the docs dont care about you, they get paid for making you feel better, aslong as they have progress to put in their report their happy. and when its over your left a wreak.
Good to hear from you stephenJT,I have been in the health industry for 20 years, From my experience they mostly do care. I have some experience of working with SOME that don’t care like they should. Telling you to write you feelings down to give to her was initially good therapy, it can be so much easier than talking. To leave you with no resolution is destroying. If you have to go back to be an inpatient, ……When they are not looking log on and stay in touch Ok !!!Take care…K
Hi Kriisten,
I agree with you. To leave StephenJT with no resolution is just unprofessional, not to mention cruel given his current state. Perhaps he could be referred to another therapist who could help him resolve this issue? I dunno..wish there was some way to help him.
Hi, Dee I guess it depends on what health care you can access in your area… Like it might be remote, city or you just don’t know. I suppose, like most places there are Mental Heath clinics with paid staff and volunteer staff, that may have a good referral basis. Definatetely referring on is the only option when it becomes distressing to the patient and or mental health therapist. StephenJT, as my “other” job in health, I work as a volunteer at a Mental Health Clinic in a country town…. I care, but you may have heaps of pain still. take care.
Hello – what a great discussion! Thank you all for sharing your stories as it has made me feel better about my own situation. I started group therapy about 6 months ago after I went for couple counselling(which was also about 6 months long). My relationship is doing great and since I started therapy I felt I now had the courage to go on and confront my experience of sexual violance. I was naive to think that it was all I had to worry about as the deeper I went I recognized the impact other aspects of my childhood had on me- the domestic violance, the absent father and abandonment issues relating to my mother. All this literally exploded in my face only a week ago and it took the shape of the “mother of all crushes” on my therapist. Yes, I know in my head its not my therapist that I am longing for but its my own mother who was never been there even when I told her about my abuse she simply did not believe me. But my heart, body and soul is on a complete different planet to where my head is as I am constantly craving, yearning and longing for my therapist. The crush is so physical that I feel it is literally crushing me – can’t sleep, eat, nausea and I even skipped my period!
My feelings are out in the open to my therapist and my partner as I am aware this is all rather natural – just hurst like shit! My partner is very supportive and is helping me through this. Also my therapist is handling it very well, being caring but holding the boundaries intact for me. This was all discussed on one to one however, I don’t know how I am going to bring this up in group. Although its all part of the process – just feel a bit foolish and embarrassed about it all.
However, I am afraid that the feelings won’t go away and will stay with me for the rest of my life. I do feel exposed and so vulnarable its scary. I really don’t know how therapists do what they do – they have so much power in their hands.
One question – when I told my therapist about my feelings I also said I was trying very hard to rationalize it and not to indulge in it. She said to me to actually do the opposite to indulge it and fantasize away in every way it wanted to express its self – erotically even. She adviced to use her in any way even for the purposes of masturbation… Yikes! I can’t believe she actually said that to me. Is this normal???
I would appreciate your feedback on this please as therapy is all so new to me.
Thank you and wish all well.
I have been seeing my therapist for 2 1/2 months every week (Saturday) because I found out my boyfriend was seeing someone else and when I found out,he dumped me and I couldn’t get out of the depression. The therapist and I have a lot in common spiritually, morally and background. He tells me some personal things, but not a lot. I told him last week that I found someone on eharmony and we talked for 3 hours and it looked promising. He started questioning me about him far as hold old he was, what he did, etc. All of a sudden he started talking about this person he is seeing and how they have the same birthday and she can tell when he needs a backrub and just comes over and start doing it. She finishes his sentences, etc. I sat there looking at him trying to keep my composure and thats when I realized I was jealous. I tried to keep it together the rest of the session. I knew we had things in common but I didn’t know my feelings were that strong. He was also watching me very intently as though waiting for my reaction.
He said he met the person at work and that I should try to find someone who has basic things in common with me and that “Opposites attract” does not always work.
I am glad I found this site because I can talk about it and understand it better.
I think I am going to talk about it with him Saturday and get it out in the open.
I am a smart woman. I am a moral woman. I am a married woman. I am a woman who has a lot going for her. Yet, I had sex with my therapist. It happened years ago, but I am still affected by it all to this day. The stress, anxiety, hurt, and shame I have felt has been unbearable at times. The truth is, what occurred was clearly abuse. It was in no way, shape, or form love of any kind. Consequently (and unfortunately), I have suffered like many victims of sexual abuse do — I am tortured by flashbacks, panic attacks, terrible dreams, conflicted feelings of embarrassment, self-blame, and so forth. I now think of my former therapist as the worst kind of sexual perpetrator there is — one who takes advantage of another’s pain, vulnerability, and innocence.
If any of this happens to you, find yourself another therapist immediately (despite how flattered you may be):
Therapist extends your appointments
Therapist compliments you on your looks
Therapist gives you gifts
Therapist contacts you for no logical reason
Therapist gazes into your eyes
Therapists touches you
Therapist tells you not to discuss your therapy with anyone else
Therapist tells you he/she would be ruined if anyone found out
I completely agree with what others wrote above. If your therapist expresses his/her feelings about you, it’s time for you to leave. A trained and professional therapist should not make your sessions about him/her. A trained and professional therapist should not take advantage of you or manipulate you in any way. Looking back, I can see how creepy my therapist really was. At the time, however, I felt like I adored him. I wish I had the knowledge and courage to up and leave before things took a turn for the worse. I plead to anyone out there who thinks his/her therapist may be acting inappropriately to terminate the sessions and report the therapist for ethical review.
D13,
To answer your question at the end of your story: NO, this is NOT normal! What kind of therapist would say something like that to their patient? I don’t get it. If I were you, I’d run for the hills and find myself a new therapist..I mean really, that is just so inappropriate.
Sharon,
Just to let you know, something similar happened to me when I was in a session with my therapist. It’s weird when that jealous feeling creep up on you out of no where and are so unexpected. This is what makes it so frustrating. I’d be interested in hearing what the therapist has to say after you tell him at your next session. Hope it goes well.
Marin,
It sounds like such a painful experience. I am so sorry this happened to you. Have you considered reporting him? It sounds like it happened a long time ago, but perhaps you could get some resolution. It’s not fair that you still carry the burden of such an experience. After all, you went to him for help in the first place and he betrayed you. This only makes the situation worse. I hope you are able to find peace with this sometime.
Hi StephenJT, you ok? Chatting on a computer I know is not the same, but there are people behind these pc’s. I tell you I’m having my own stuff going on that I hate, but I would like to hear how you are… let me know …Kriistene
I have always seen my love for my therapist as a gift. It seems like this beautiful and precious emotion that I have wanted to hold and keep in my heart. I did suffer a great deal after first leaving therapy with a grief response to the loss of our relationship, but it never seemed like a burden. It just meant that I cared. My therapist and I spent several sessions discussing my feelings and I was able to fully express them to him which gave me inner peace. I never experienced any anger from this, never needed him to love me back…the pain for me was in not being able to give my love to him. I found it very freeing to “show” him verbally (and with written notes during my last few therapy sessions). I still miss him very much, but I know that he is happy. That gives me serenity. I still love him and I always will. I’ve learned from it and I’ve grown from it. I still feel joy when I think of him. I dislike the “clinicizing” of this sweet emotion I have felt. It’s our place and I hold that in my heart. I take full responsibility for these feelings. This doesn’t have to be a horrible thing when the therapist handles it correctly. It shows us our potential.
Wow, well said Beth. What a great way to express your experience. You seem to have a good handle on your emotions. Sometimes, it takes time to really understand how one feels. As for my experience, now that I am completely removed from him, I am able to look at things with less intensity. My feelings for him look alot like what you said above. Good for you Beth and Thankyou for sharing.
I ve seen my therapist 3 times.From the first time she told she like me very much and didn’t charged the last session.I have given her some presents(seeing her for few minutes during session with other clients) and I am calling her once a month for concerning about her health as she faces a serious problem. She appreciates it and all the presents and shows me love, she always kiss me and hug me the time I meet her (even it is for only a few minutes). The problem is that despite the fact that she says me she wants very much to see me, miss me and wants to meet also my partner and go for coffee or dinner, when the time comes to call her and arrange an appointment( at the time she had said me to call) I can’t find her! I receive her love but when I express my wish to see her, nothing happens.Perhaps they are all accidentally events.
I feel like a fool and even I love her very much and have so warm feelings, I sometimes beleive she plays with emotions and this makes me sad.
Therapists have great power to deal with the emotions of their clients.Eveyone who decides to go to a therapist should be very carefull as regards as emotions and have self restraint as it is very likely to love his/her therapist.
Beth… unreal, about time, a fantastic rational way of approaching your feelings. I share totally your views, this clinical approach I believe is not always applicable. I’m not to sure about the whole Freudian Transference thing… I have always thought he was full of s… Boundaries however do exist for a reason, and do need to be applied…… heal well Beth
Therapy should come with a black box warning!!! Including adverse effects such as fatal attraction, obsessed thoughts and fantasies, rejection and inevitable emotional distress. Falling in love with my therapist was one of the most painful and bitter experiences I ever had. It hurts because my heart grew fonder with every session we had, but deep down I knew that our relationship was not a healthy one for me. Was it even really love? Perhaps a kind of guileless admiration? Some sort of crazy dopey mindless infatuation? i.e. love? Many of us enter therapy because we need help dealing with emotions that overwhelm us during hopeless situations we find ourselves in and can’t seem to get out of. You gradually open up to this kind and gentle stranger before you, who guides you down a soulful path of unearthing (or unclouding) the silver lining that exists within yourself. Then, as one issue gets resolved, another arises. You learn to cope with a personal relationship, and you turn around only to fall in love with this kind stranger who is so good to you! This is a much higher price to pay than you will ever bargain for, especially if like everyone here you learned it the hard way! My last session with my therapist ended about a week ago, and I couldn’t get her out of my head. She seemed to have all the answers to my problems, to accept me so willingly and warmly despite my many flaws and insecurities. I hate this. I feel like I am traveling on a spiraling one-way street, with a dead end, in the dark…a light shines somewhere, but I am blind in love. Even if she says she loves me (I sadly fantasize) I probably won’t believe it, and even if she means it, she can’t return my feelings without violating her professional code of ethics. It’s a lose-lose situation. I feel betrayed and so confused! Of course she doesn’t love me, not the same way I “love” her. I feel like I need her to feel valued as a person, and I want more than her friendship, which I couldn’t even feel like I had?! Right now I just want to get over it and forget about her. Should I go to another therapist to get these feelings sorted? Actually I am probably already doing that by writing here. So love is blind…if this is indeed love, I need to figure out why I love her in order to figure out how to not love her anymore. Some people say that love “just happens” and no rationale can clearly justify true love, but I believe there is a reason for everything. I really want to move on, to find true love. Life is too short to agonize over one person, right?
Jaro,
Indeed. I feel for you. As you have read above, many of us are in similar situations. My advice is this: give it some time. You only just last saw her a week ago and your feelings are intense. I found that in the beginning after I last saw my therapist, I was an emotional wreck. I was carrying my feelings around like a dead weight, another burden to carry, but after a few months my feelings began to change. I looked at the situation much more logically. I began to look at it from a different perspective. Instead of feeling sad when I thought of him, I now felt this sweet feeling come over me, a little sweetness to carry me through the day. Now when I think of him, I realize that I am not in love with him. I just need him to be this person who helps me cope and get me through the day when things get rough and it’s enough for me. Perhaps you could give it a try and see where it takes you. As I said, it is hard to be rational when the feelings are so intense. Just let your feelings carry you forward. Hope this helps. Thankyou so much for sharing.
hi…..God Ive got some pain, I love my family so much, I don’t love my collegue- Psychiatrist at all, I like him to much for that.But I feel something Is really hurting me dispite the rational thinking. What is it , no boundries have been crossed. I am a bit sick of it, wondering if it may delay any remaining recovery… help guys
Kriistene,
I’m not sure I understand. You haven’t said much for awhile in terms of your situation. Did something new happen? What is hurting you? Did your situation with him change?
Hi Dee, no it hasn’t. I had a therapy session today and he regrets that he made a mistake with his practice…in that he wishes to be more available to me.. “and perhaps a couple others” Unfortunately a few things happened in the last few months to me, my young mum has become terminal, it’s dividing the family. My sister in law is also terminal, having chemo also. I had a car accident a little while ago. We kind of enjoy therapy, but unfortunately I may relapse, and he wants to be there for me. Its all a bit awful… could be worse though !! Thanx Dee /…Kriistene
Kriistene,
Sorry to hear that. Life circumstances often get in the way of life! I totally understand. My Mother was terminal and died pretty much at the same time I gave birth to my daughter. This is part of the reason I was in therapy also. Trying to cope with it all. It’s just one of those things and everyone relapses now and then anyway. I hope he is able to help through these difficult times. Know that there are people out there who care. Talk to you soon Kriistene
Thanks Dee, I appreciate that, kind regards
Hi All,
I’m having one of those days where I can’t stop thinking about him. I want to tell him so badly that I really miss him. I haven’t seen or talked to him since January. I thought that I had it under control. After all, it’s been 4 months now. For some reason though, I woke up today having those same feelings for him that I did back then and with the same intensity too. What is a person to do? When will I stop feeling this way? I wish I could just tell him but I’m afraid-What if he gets mad or something…I dunno????
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