I Think I’m in Love with My Therapist

Hi Dee, from what I have have read, it’s apparently therapetic and essentially part of the whole healing process for you. If he has trained properly, these feelings can be dealt with, without hurting you or him. Instead of verbalizing it towards him, write it down if you feel more comfortable. Make an appt. I would expect a health professional not to get mad….that’s bad.
What happened to StephenJT was not on, that’s awful leaving a patient with no resolution. And by the way how are you Stephen, hope your good… take care. K

Hi Dee, I really hope he will be understanding and above most ethical, and work this through with you together. My best friend is a Psychiatrist, and it’s certainly part of their training if they are committed. They should deal with it and assist you with healing and resolution. I am just surprised this came up with you again after a period of no therapy. I’m great thanks…. should take my own advice though…all’s good, take Dee.

Hi Dee I would of thought you would make an appt. discuss some other things and then present him with the letter, at that point you may get some kind of reponse, as he will know the letter is a sign of an issue that is difficult for you, and may suggest another session. With some care and a bit of luck! you both can work through it. As for me , I think he’s a hottie , He thinks I’m a hottie, but things are going along the way they should!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 Take care K

Hi Dee, the system is so different here in Australia. Once you have a referral it’s easy to end sessions with a therapist and then recommence them. I live in a relatively small town 50,000, and know al the referring drs. A referral lasts I believe 1 yr. I have not got another referral since(2yrs) ago as I work in the health industry and my husband is a Surgeon. I also worked with my thrapist for 10yrs or so helping with ECTs. I am so sorry it is more difficult for you. Sending a letter via post is tricky, someone else may open it. A quick call explaining you need some resolution with him may work better (if he’s a good man)If you don’t feel ready keep your “low profile” maybe that’s best at this stage. Stay well K

hi Dee, well done, i just know when confidetial letters come to our practice, husbands a dr, the girls often open it when it’s suppose to be for him, knowing its from a patient with the hots for him. he is surgeon not a therapist. So what i am saying just don’t trust it that way. Yeah, i wonder where StephenJT has been…. hope u r well, drop a line. take care

Hi Beth,
Thankyou so much for your thoughtfulness. Yes,our stories are very similar. In thinking about my situation, the thing that really bothers me is that my feelings for him came out of no where. Never in my wildest dreams did I go into therapy thinking that I would fall for my psychiatrist. I am a happily married woman with 2 young children. I have a good life. I’ve never dreamed of being unfaithfull to my husband or even thought of another man, but now I dunno…I so have these amazing erotic fantasies about him sometimes, and, it’s not like my feelings for him happened over time..no, on the contrary, they were instant..from the moment I met him he gave off this really amazing energy, really calming and soothing..being physically attracted to him is the bonus..what is really amazing about him is the type of person he portrays himself to be..really caring, understanding and intuitive..all the things a woman finds sexy in a man! Ha! Above all, he is a decent human being and truly this is what I love about him the most..the fact that he truly cared about me and what was happening with me..hard to find in a world where everyone is so detached from one another..really, the man is one of a kind…I so miss him very much..Thanks Beth, Kriisten and to Dr. Grohol for giving us a place to discuss our feelings. God Bless…DEE

Hi,
Well I think it depends on what kind of therapist you are referring to. Depending on where you live also. A psychiatrist for example is a medical doctor who is usually moinitered by a body of persons who are responsible for maintaining standards of medical practice within a region. In this case, you would forward a complaint through them. Any other licensed therapist usually falls under similar standards under their own bodies. This is how it works in Canada anyway.

I sadly can relate to most of these posts. However my situation is a bit different. She isn’t a therapist, she’s a counselor at the drop in centre and I’ve only seen her once (I’ll be seeing her in a few days). About half way through the session I looked at her and realized how beautiful she was and how much I’d like to kiss her. I haven’t been able to get her out of my head and I know that I have a crush on her. I’m scared that once I start going to the drop in centre on a regular basis I’ll be seeing her there a few times a week and It’ll grow into love. I feel as though even if she wasn’t my counselor I would like her anyways… I don’t know what to do, I can’t stop thinking about her!

I think you are selling yourself short to think that he won’t remember you. I have little doubt that he will remember. And you can keep him in your heart. I haven’t seen my therapist in 6 months, but I still feel his presence in me very strongly. He helped me find hope and I carry that hope with me now. Take care.

Beth

thanks, Beth and Kriistene, I will keep him in my heart. Sometimes it hurts, so badly. But i know I will be fine and i wish him all the best!

Hi Everyone,

I’m having a difficult week…I miss him so very much. There are times that I am so angry at him for having this hold on me (of course, he has no idea)for making me feel like I really need him..it’s alot to carry sometimes. Anyway, hope for some resolution soon..waiting for my referral to come through..one step at a time…who knows? Maybe I won’t feel this way when I see him again (I’m hoping)..stay well everyone..God Bless..Pina

Hi Kriistene,

Yes, thankyou for your support. I am still waiting..it is such a long procedure here. In the mean time I am trying to focus on all the good qualities he brings out in me. Really, knowing him has made me a better person and I really love him for that. How can I not love him? He is the one person in my life that really stood up for me..its just a very frustrating situation not being able to be with someone you really want to be with..wishing everyone well in their journey…DEE

I am totally in love with my therapist but in a healthy way. He’s wonderful, sweet and kind. When my sessions are over I will ask him out. He’s adorable.

Good point ZouZou, Be careful, even though most healthy relationships start off in the beginning as a form of Transference and Co-Transference, I mean how do you meet someone, it’s not always in a pub etc. It can work providing ethics and boundaries are maintained when appropriate. And remember all situations are different and shouldn’t be taken in the same way, be careful when necessary, take care K x

Hi, my names Pete, I’m a 19 year old male who has been seeing a psychologist for a little over 2 years, She is in her mid 20’s, very beautiful but is married, and i feel as though i am madly in love with her, when i first started to see her i was in a pretty bad place in my life, i was depressed and had dropped out of high school, i had no one in my life i could really talk to so when i first came to her i was amazed at how caring and interested she was towards me and my problems, she genuinely helped me a lot over the next 6 months, and got me enrolled in an alternate way to finish my education. After this i first noticed i had feelings for her, i started to think about her a lot, and had a lot of vivid dreams about her(most sexual), i became obsessed for a few months but continued to see her as i still needed her help. When I started doing my hsc at tafe (in australia)I had low esteem and felt very anxious due to not attending anything like school for almost a year. I was awkward around the other students for a while but with the help of her sessions i was able to get a good handle on my self esteem issues and the anxiety calmed down quite a lot after that. This just made my feelings for her that much stronger, for someone to have helped me so much whilst showing me so much compassion and being so supportive. I had a few girlfriends at Tafe but nothing was that serious nor did anything last more then a few weeks, mostly because they had much different interests then me. I continued to see her for the next 6 months as i felt they were really helping me and keeping me from going back to my old ways, but after a while the feelings i had for her became so strong that they were tearing me up inside, i was constantly thinking about her but i would never be able to do or say anything due to the fear of rejection, so i decided to take a break from her, as seeing her every week never gave me the opportunity to get over her. about 6 months later due to reasons not related to her I tried to commit suicide (mostly due to my mother dieing of drug overdose a few months prior and the depression i felt afterward). A few days afterward she called and said she would really like to talk to me, i said fine because once again i didn’t have anyone that i could talk to about my feelings, and i really needed to. In this session she expressed that she cared deeply for me and she was shocked and very upset when i tried to commit suicide, seeing that she actually felt for me (she was a little teary) i decided to get it off my chest and tell her why i stopped the appointments with her, the fact that i felt this love for her that i didn’t understand and how it was tearing me up inside, and she told me she cared for me a lot, but sometimes a strong emotional bond can form between a psychologist and their client as they are intimately disccusing such personal and emotional issues. And sometimes this emotional bond can feel so strong that you mistake it for being in love. she was so nice about it and it made feel so relieved and better, now that i understand how im feeling i understand that its perfectly fine, it was a natural reaction and im not some freak. sorry about the long post but i read all of your comments and just wanted to share my story

Dr. Grohol: I can tell you that talking to your therapist about your feelings about them, cannot and does not help lessen any feelings. I’ve been in love with my therapist for 5 years; the feelings have not lessened or changed. As Freud said, “sometimes a cigar, is just a cigar.” Sometimes love is simply….love (and not the Freudian transference).

The only place we call love by another name is in the therapist’s office.

Thankyou…Sincerely, Allison

Dr. Grohol,

Well said and 100% true. However, this is what makes it so frustrating-there is no way for those involved to explore these feelings outside of the therapeutic relationship. Even if these feelings are out in the open, you are still left hanging..”what if..” scenerios are played over and over again in your mind. It’s that unknown I think, that keeps one hanging on to those romantic notions. It’s difficult to disengage these feelings because they all come from the same place. In your mind, you understand it, but in your heart you don’t.

Generally, no. While some professional therapists may consider a relationship appropriate and “okay” 6 months or a year after therapy has ended, I believe it is still based on an “artificial” beginning. I just think it opens up a whole can of worms for the relationship in the long run, and can make it far more challenging.

Some therapists do this, and it’s okay with their ethics and their professional association. To each their own, if they’re okay with it — this article isn’t meant to pass judgment.

A surgeon has a different set of ethical guidelines than a psychiatrist or psychologist does, and the relationship bears little resemblence to a psychotherapeutic relationship. So it’s not really the same or a fair comparison.

I think from a client’s perspective, a difference in the wording used can make things not come across so harshly. I read about the “power differential” in therapy all of the time and it leaves the impression that the therapist is somehow superior to the client…I always felt on level with my therapist. He was actually younger than me and he never presented himself as all-knowing. I really liked that he was human with me and would admit mistakes, apologize if necessary. I think that a client is vulnerable with their therapist because they are self-disclosing some very personal thoughts and emotions. I never felt he had power over me other than my being vulnerable with him.

Talking about and exploring my feelings has not changed them in the slightest. It makes me uncomfortable when the term ‘transference’ is so often used to keep clients at a comfortable distance from the therapist. I’ve recently faced the transference angle of this and have come to an understanding that this has played a part in what I feel. It is still very painful to think about and feels as if it in some way devalues our relationship and how special it was.

For me I’ve come to realize that what I’ve done with my therapist has been to love him in the way I have always striven to love others. Transference seems in no way created equal and is very personal to each person who experiences it. My feelings are 95% pure love and maybe 5% sexual. Descriptions of erotic transference never matched what I felt. My feelings were about me loving him, me wanting to give to him and not the other way around as so often seems to be the case with this. But then they are MY feelings and so then are about me and what is important and meaningful to me. And for me giving is receiving. I wanted to give to him to thank him. I wanted my feelings to be for him because that would have been the only way to share them with him. One has to look very hard at oneself in the mirror in order to better understand.

What remains painful is the feeling that our relationship has somehow been cheapened now by the word transference. And because our relationship was so very special to me, that really hurts. I love my therapist. He helped me to find “my best love”. I know it has something to do with who he is as a person. I know it also has something to do with transference. But the fact remains that I care about him and he cares about me. It’s hard not to feel as if the word wants to take everything away.

Beth/Kriistene would like to talk to you..wondering how without posting e-mail address on-line?

I think that it’s the attitude about this and the way that it’s handled that makes things much more difficult for the client. My therapist handled it well, but there are likely many who don’t. Again, I really think that wording can be very important.

For me personally, there is a deeper issue with love itself, in that I value it greatly and hold it as sacred. You read about “resolving” transference. That makes it sound like something in error that needs to be “fixed” or almost as if there is a squabble between two kids in the back yard that has to be broken up. Minimizing…I mean, we’re talking about love here. Perhaps it would be advantageous to use use words such as “understand” and “accept”.

Even the above article states, “It only means that you’re feeling positive, intense feelings for another person who is helping you with important issues in your life.” And, “So you feel like you’re in love with your therapist and while intellectually you may understand that this is just a normal process of psychotherapy for some, you still need to do something about it.” Note the use of the words “only” and “just”. These words are minimizing.

I’m just try to give a perspective from the other side of the room. For me, I have very beautiful feelings for my therapist. He helped me to get out of depression and helped me to find a new and more positive outlook on life. These feelings are very giving and loving and I have always considered them a gift. They are the very best of me. I like this part of me. I have come to understand that they are probably in part due to transference, but I still value these feelings very much. They haven’t subsided or lessened any by talking about them. He remains with me in a very positive way. That relationship is something I’ll always cherish, no matter whether the feelings are caused by transference or not. I just have never wanted it devalued or minimized.

The important thing about the feelings are what they mean about you personally. What are they telling you? What can you learn from them? What is the deeper meaning? This is how you love…and learning about that can be a very meaningful way to help in your other relationships. So if I were a therapist (maybe some day…), I would dispense with the word and talk about the meaning behind it all. That is where the greatest lessons are. The grief from losing our relationships with our therapists is very real. I want my experience to help me to help others.

P.S. Beth I looked for you, but could not find you. Perhaps I looked in the wrong place?

My therapist considers me a “colleague”….I understand about the power differential, etc…but as one article stated, “in life there are power differentials everywhere……teacher…student…boss, employee…..etc.

The reason I went to a therapist was probably different than what anyone else has ever gone to a therapist for (a church issue)…i had seen other therapists in the past because of my abusive 31 year marriage (out now), and never developed any feelings for them…..simply professional.

My therapist and I are alike in over 30 different ways. Unfortunately he has allowed me to “see” him, bent the boundaries and let me know we have “chemistry.”

I’ve done a massive research on the therapist/client relationship and read journals, boks, etc….so I understand what the relationship is supposed to be like.

Therapy is a very intense place…..putting 2 people in a room togther who have chemistry….we are all human, and thought he therapist has ethics and guidelines to follow; sometimes human nature takes over.

I am a therapist in training, and don’t feel there is a power imbalance, and I don’t think I am delusional (LOL, LOL)

“The therapy room is the only place where we call love by another name [transference].”

I read that “100 psychotherapists a year lose their licenses because of sexual impropriety.” Wow, and these are just the ones that come to light.
I think therapy is an unnatural situation anyway, especially when two people are drawn to each other, which obiously happens a LOT.

There is even a website for people involved (not necessarily sexual) with their therapists:

http://www.A_Most_Heartbreaking_Love…..yahoo group.

I agree with another poster that therapy should come with a warning. Therapists should be trained (and from what I read, are not) that powerful feelings can develop in such an intimate situation/setting….not just with the client, but also the therapist.

FOr me, talking about the feelings…and even 5 years of being with him, have not changed or lessened the feelings at all. If I had met my therapist anywhere else, I would have been attracted to him, etc.

It’s not exactly as if ‘other’, or ‘equal’ relationships are not based on transference either, right?

I do though fear that ‘sex’ would destroy all you have in this relationship, as it also often destroys what one has with ‘other’ relationships.

It may be better not to have the opportunity to find out, as that will take all the good away with it.

Attraction does not always need to be, or should be, acted upon. So often, sex destroys this attraction when not acting on it often lasts a life time. I have become very fond of these attractions, and not acting on them. it’s of the sort of thing, these energies, that make life worth living.

Oddly enough, for me personally, even though I love him, the sexual attraction aspect of it was just there as an aside. That’s what makes this entire thing so darned interesting. I feel that way because love has always been what is important to me and not sex. And I feel very giving with him because for me giving is receiving. Sex was a non-issue in this for me. It was just kind of lurking in the background. This stuff is a wealth of information if you explore it. I’m completely fascinated by it and am still learning about myself with this.