“I think I’m in love with my therapist. What’s wrong with me? What should I do?”
It is not unusual to feel strong feelings of “love” or affinity toward your therapist. But those feelings probably aren’t what you think.
Psychodynamic theory suggests the reason that many people fall in love with their therapist is because they are repeating emotional patterns they experienced as children toward their parents. This behavior and set of feelings was first described by Sigmund Freud who coined the term “transference” to describe it. He discovered transference after noting this many of his mostly-female clients would start describing their own romantic feelings toward him. In some patients, the feelings were not romantic, but instead more childlike and Freud took on a parental role in the patient’s mind. It was as though Freud became their father figure, and the tempestuous relationship would then play out in his office.
Freud described this process over a hundred years ago, and therapists and their clients still deal with this issue even in modern psychotherapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy. Because the process itself is a very real possible side effect of psychotherapy, although it doesn’t happen to everyone in all therapeutic situations.
Why Does Transference Occur?
Nobody can say for certain why transference seems to be a process of many people’s psychotherapy, regardless of the actual background of the therapist or focus of therapy. Goal-focused, short-term psychotherapy is no guarantee that transference won’t occur. Some cognitive-behavioral therapists, in their efforts to focus on empirically-based treatments, simply ignore these feelings when they come up in the course of psychotherapy. Others downplay their importance.
Transference likely occurs because the therapeutic environment is generally seen as a safe, supportive and nurturing environment. Therapists are seen as accepting, positive influences in our lives, but sometimes also as authoritative guides. In these various roles, a therapist can inadvertently step into roles previously occupied in our lives by one of our parents. Or a client can become infatuated with the seemingly endless supply of wisdom and positive self-regard some therapists exude. The effects can be just as intoxicating as one’s first love. In this increasingly detached world, someone who spends nearly a full hour with our undivided attention may become quite godlike.
Therapists may also represent an individual in a person’s life that provided the unconditional acceptance (and perhaps love) that we all seek from important others in our life. Our mother. Our father. A sibling. A lover. A therapist doesn’t ask for a person to be anything other than themselves. And in the honest emotional environment that’s so often found in the best therapists’ office, it’s easy to idealize (and in some cases, idolize) the accepting, caring professional who sits across from us.
I Think I’m in Love! Now What?
So you feel like you’re in love with your therapist and while intellectually you may understand that this is just a normal process of psychotherapy for some, you still need to do something about it.
The first thing to understand is that this is not anything you should be ashamed or afraid of. This type of transference is not an uncommon feature of psychotherapy, and these kinds of feelings are not something you can simply just turn on and off at will. Having these feelings for your therapist is not “unprofessional” nor does it cross any kind of therapeutic boundaries.
Second, talk to your therapist. Okay, I know this is the hardest step, but it is also the most important. Your therapist should be experienced and trained in transference issues (yes, even the modern cognitive-behavioral therapists), and be able to talk to you about them in an open and accepting manner. As with most issues in therapy, bringing it out into the open and talking about it usually is sufficient to help most people in dealing with their feelings. Your therapist should also talk to you about ways you can better understand them in the context of your therapeutic relationship, family history and background, and what kinds of things you might be able to do to help and reduce their intensity.
Third, accept your feelings and continue in focusing on the reasons that brought you into therapy in the first place. For some people, this will be easy. Once they’ve discussed the issue with their therapist, they feel relieved — like a weight has been lifted off of their shoulders. For others, the process may be more difficult and require that some therapy time be spent further discussing these feelings with your therapist.
I should also note that if a therapist returns your feelings of love in any form whatsoever, it is a breach of the professional therapeutic relationship and ethics. Professional therapists are trained to cope with their own “counter-transference” issues, and in the U.S., a romantic relationship between a client and their therapist is considered unethical and verboten. You should consider ending your relationship with such a therapist and talking to your regional ethics board about filing a complaint.
“Falling in love” with your therapist is sometimes a normal process of psychotherapy. It only means that you’re feeling positive, intense feelings for another person who is helping you with important issues in your life. Do not run away from these feelings — or your therapist — in fear. Talk to your therapist about them, and chances are, it will help.
585 comments
I’ve definitely been enjoying the feelings. I know that they are real and I also know that they are the very best of me. I have always understood and respected the relationship as is…client and therapist. I’ve never wished or wanted for more. I just have been trying to make peace with the grief of the loss and all that surrounds it. In the end, I want him happy and he is. This gives me serenity. I just miss him.
I know; it is a big loss. I am sorry that I didn’t get everything right about what you said and meant. I have been a bit spacey.
Do you keep in touch at all with him? Like, with the therapist I saw for a long time, we have been writing letters to each other maybe twice a year, and it is actually very different now the relationship in that he is more real, and speaks more freely about himself, and family, etc. Like, he will recommend a book and then I will tell him what I think about the book.
For myself, I am so glad I am no longer in therapy. i was way too dependent on him and it felt badly.
Anyway, thanks for telling about your feelings and personal stuff so readily. I always like it when I find another person who is as open as I am about stuff.
It is a big deal; I know. Kat
Yes, he allows me to write so that is very nice. And it’s a small town, so I see him around as well. I feel comforted knowing he’s closeby.
In the past I’d always been very closed. I have therapy to thank for my new-found openness.
He always came across to me as a very real person even during therapy. Some of the things I miss most about him are his little quirks. I liked that he was very human with me. It made me feel more at ease.
I’m happy and moving forward. He’ll always be with me, in my heart.
Unfortuntely, my therapist has let me know he has feelings for me. I’ve been open and authentic right from the beginning in letting him know I loved him. If I had met him anywhere else the attraction/chemistry would have been there.
“The Heartbreaking Love” (website is in reference to loving someone who isn’t available).
A few of the 100’s of provocative comments my therapist has made; “If I were not married, I would probably go for it.”
“You are in my heart and in my head.” We both attended the American Counseling Association Convention (I am an undergrad/Social Work) and he told me he had looked for me for over 1/2 an hour at the dance.
I could write a book on what has transpired. I have written my memoir and a poetry book….but the book about what has gone on between my therapist and I? Wow……(no, no sex)
There is no place to go with that!
From what you are writing here, it sounds as if your therapist has acted unethically. Are you still seeing him as a client? It sounds like a situation you need to remove yourself from. My therapist was always 100% professional with me. I’m sorry to hear that yours hasn’t been.
As far as loving someone who isn’t available…I always knew he was my therapist and only my therapist and that it couldn’t ever be anything more. I think in my unconscious mind I felt safe enough with him in that room to find within myself my perfect love. My feelings, my capacity to love and I naturally had a desire to share that with him…even though I always knew that I couldn’t. The pain with “transference” not necessarily being just with the word, but more because I hate seeing love disturbed. What I feel for him is truly a beautiful thing. I know that I can never give that to him, but he helped me to find my potential. I will always be very grateful to him for that. I still regard love as a very precious thing and this is no different. I would never trade it away. I would really like to help others with their difficulties with this.
Beth: As I had stated, I went to my therapist for something different than what anyone else has gone to a therapist for (probably), a church situation.
He didn’t need to help me with finding my potential or helping me with any emotional problems and considered me an equal/colleague, etc..I am pretty much a self-actualized person…..I am an undergrad. in Psychology.
I rarely share what has transpired between us, because I know most do not understand, and I would be judged.
No one can help me with my situation….as in life, I have to do things on my own.
I did my “homework” years ago; after growing up abused, abandoned and excruciatingly poor…..I’ve been able to make something positive come from the ashes of my life.
I’ve written my memoir: Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice), and have the most amazing endorsements; Elie Wiesel, Nikki Giovanni, Dr. Larry Dossey, Wayne Dyer, Patricia Evans, Clint van Zandt, Dr. Elaine Weiss and one from someone who thanked me for saving her life.
My poetry book: Sanctuary of the Soul: Poems of anguish, healing, hope comfort and celebration will be published shortly.
I went back to school and won a scholarship; it wasn’t academic; I wrote about the story of my life.
I am the moderator of an abused survivors group.
I’ve been published 3 times in a university journal.
I consider myself an overcomer and wounded healer.
Thanks for writing, but this is something that only….I….can deal with…..I’ve loved him for 5 years. That won’t change.
I so dislike that word, “transference”—-transference/countertransference exists in all relationships; it is only the therapy world that has made up psychobabble words for what we all understand as…love or..feelings! Of course there is the Freudian transference which makes sense, etc.
I dislike the word as well…and also believe that it happens in all relationships. I think it is just that our feelings are studied in the therapy room.
I understand that this is up to you to deal with. It sounds as if you have accomplished a lot and have overcome many difficulties in your life.
Best of luck to you.
The thing is, that after you have been in therapy for a while, you (the patient) also, and perhaps even better than the therapist, knows how to distinguish between what’s transference and what is not. I do. And this also goes for other relationships. So, I don’t think, like with Beth especially and since she has talked a lot, that you are dealing with transference at all.
Allison, I do like Beth’s answer back to you. For myself I would go a bit further in that I do think some others can very well relate to you and your situation, at least as close as one can not actually being you. I do a lot.
A big part of my problem associated with this happening was the ‘dependence’ on the therapist.
I also felt I could not talk to anyone about this, even when I knew there was something really wrong. There is always this ambivalence, right?
But later, when it was over, I just could not believe I had stayed in this relationship for so long and that I was not able to leave. I don’t think it matters at all how accomplished one is. This problem is on such a different level and I think it is very much related to ‘neglect’ from earlier rather than abuse.
It’s like you so badly want it and yet you cannot tolerate it. (the relationship) And I don’t know if this is negatively affecting your life and behavior but it sure did for me.
Hi Everyone,
I have to say, there has been alot of very interesting blogs here these past few days. I am pleased to see that I can take a piece from each comment and relate it to my own issues in this matter. The latest for me is this: My referral to see him again came through. All this time I had been waiting and waiting to talk to him again, feeling really desperate, sick to my stomach some days. And then it hit me: I just couldn’t face him..really that’s how I felt. You know why? I just couldn’t/can’t take one more minute of this anymore! I am ready to let go. Point blank. It’s like you said Katrin, “you so badly want it and yet you cannot tolerate it”. I spent the last week thinking about this so I picked up the phone and left him this really long message on his voice mail..I let it all out..how I felt about him, how difficult it has been for me these last six months and that I was ready to let him go. Honestly, it feels so good and a few days into this, my feelings have remained the same: I am ready to let this relationship go. It`s funny Katrin, I was thinking exactly the same thing last week before you wrote your above blog. I think the reason it went on for so long is because I truely believe he neglected to see the signs and he neglected to address them. He neglected all the clues (transference) and encouraged me to keep in touch with him even after he stopped seeing me as my therapist. What he failed to realize though, is that in my fragile state, I still desprately needed him. I wasn`t done with him, yet he let me go without much warning. I was far to dependant on him still. I think this is what makes me angry the most..he should`ve picked up on this..I gave enough clues for God`s sake! I think deep down, he couldn`t handle it either, and probably thought that things would disipate between us. You`d think he would`ve noticed when here I was leaving him 2-3 messages a day for the last 6 months the desperation in my voice..yet he did nothing about it. He never once said that we should talk again. He left me hanging all the time. It`s like you said Katrin. I can`t believe I allowed myself to stay in this relationship so long..It is such a relief that I am able to now see it this way. Wonderful..thanks everyone DEE
I certainly can hear your anger, Dee, and I’m glad to know that you feel some positive direction with this. I would also have to wonder why your therapist would encourage and allow so many phone calls…I think a great deal of the problem with this is a lack of proper training. So many therapist don’t seem to know how best to deal with this.
I believe that everyone’s experience is different and feel very fortunate that mine seems to have been a more positive one. I feel nothing negative from what happened to me during therapy and in the year and a half since then. While I did have many difficult feelings and have struggled with this for a long time, it has been a positive experience for me and one that I do not regret. I’m not sorry for having loved him.
If anyone needs an ear they know where to find me. I’d be happy to listen. Best of luck.
Beth
Oh Dee, so glad we understand each other! Katrin
You know, the good thing is that sometimes you learn so much from what went wrong, or the mistakes, even more so than what went right? Kat, again.
hi… back from holidays, just found out “my therapist” has separated. He was so flustered he was not himself, nearly stuffed up my meds… they are being reduced.He said to me.. I looked great and that he was so happy to see me, I gave him a beautiful tropical flower you can only get in far North Queenland Australia. He hung on to it and said why werent you here last week, I didn’t have an appt, its now. Hope all is well with all xx K
Hi Everyone,
Back from holidays-had a great time! Beth, yes thankyou..I have had time to reflect a little since my last blog..I am angry at him, but not to the point where I think that this whole experience was all wrong. I am a sexual assault surviour and he really did help me work through that like no one else before him. He hung in there with me when I myself believed that there was no more to work through. For this I am grateful. I can see that he took his work with me very seriously and was concerned for me. Deep down, he is a decent human being who wants to help others. I think though, like I said before, he failed to see what was happening to me through him (transference). We should’ve talked it through, these feelings that I had for him. (I know that he knew), but instead, he stopped seeing me has my physciatrist. At the time when our sessions ended, I was not ready to leave, but I was too afraid to tell him this.( Not his fault) I wanted to believe that my feelings for him would gradually go away if I didn’t see him again. Of course, my feelings for him intensefied and I fould myself calling him 2-3 times a week. Not ever talking to him, but just leaving messages as to what was happening with me, my life, how I felt etc. At our last session, he did tell me that I should not call as often I was calling (2 times a day.. Yikes!), but that I could continue to leave messages. I think that he did not want to hurt my feelings by saying this. Like I said, he has always been on my side and he did not intentionally “lead me on” in any way. He was always professional with me and never crossed any boundries. Having said all that though..it was his job to address the signs, to “deal with it” so to speak (believe me, there were plenty from me), but like you said Beth, I can see now that he didn’t know what to do either (lack of experience) and did the best he could I think. Perhaps he’ll know how to handle it the next time I guess? What I do know is this: I cannot tolerate any longer. The ying and the yang..you want it, but just can’t take it anymore. Simply put. Thankyou Katrin..you were the first to put in words what was/is going on with me. I am so relieved to finally be at this point..it took me a year to get here. Part of me is so ashamed and humiliated, but another part of me is grateful for having gone through this. It has shown me what I am capable of and what the human spirit can endure. Thanks all. DEE
My God…… he has separated, he wants to meet my twin 8yr old sons next week, he told me I am also such a beautiful mother. He’s a bit confused and different, I want to lend some gentle support x K
It is funny how things work out sometimes, isn’t it? I went to therapy bordering on depression and the closeness I felt with my therapist is exactly what I needed to get me out of it. I believe the entire experience has enlightened me and helped me to grow both emotionally and spiritually. My feelings remain the same, though I understand them much better now.
Dee, it sounds as if you are understanding that your therapist is a person just like the rest of us. They aren’t perfect…mine wasn’t either…and I think it’s very important to know this. I think a mistake many of them make is to not discuss the client’s response to them with their clients. Talking about and exploring your feelings is the best way to come to understand and accept them. What is it that you feel ashamed of?
Kriistene, are you still in therapy? Have you discussed your feelings for your T with your T?
Hi Beth,
All I can say is that I am so glad this is over for me. I feel ashamed because I feel like I made such a fool out of myself..phoning him all the time..expressing my feelings for him..sounding so friggin desperate and needy all the time!…My God..I’m sure I drove the poor guy crazy..different from you..I never actually spoke face to face with him again after our sessions ended..for the last 7 months I have been leaving him voice messages, so really I have no idea how he feels about the whole thing. I’m convinced he thinks I am a “nut” so this is why I feel so humiliated..I keep picturing him sitting at his desk listening to me go on and on about how much I care about him etc etc. and he’s either A) rolling his eyes or B) laughing his head off…I dunno really..and to be honest..I don’t want to know..I cannot suffer the humiliations…really I can’t. Anyway, it’s all good now..enough said..I’m good with how things are at this moment..tommorow? Who knows? Take Care All… DEE
Dee,
So when you would leave him messages, you would never hear anything back from him? I can only imagine how difficult that must have been.
I think a big part of the problem with this is that many clients leave therapy before discussing all of these very strong emotions. You walk out the door and are left with powerful feelings… and you don’t know what to do about them. There were a few times when I sent him lengthy emails in the middle of a yearning spell. I eventually went back and had several sessions where my feelings for him were discussed. It was embarrassing at first. I spent a lot of time looking at the floor…In the end it was a relief to at least express my feelings of affection to him. He was always very gentle and sensitive with me, so that helped a great deal.
It sounds as if you’ve attached your behaviors to some type of shame. During the first stages of romantic love there are a lot of chemicals set off in our bodies that make us behave in ways that we otherwise wouldn’t. Basically, the biological wheels start spinning. And this is really no different. I’d be willing to bet that your therapist understands this. It seems as if he probably was unsure of how best to handle your situation. And while this may be understandable, it is no fault of your own that it wasn’t dealt with properly.
In time, each day gets a little easier. Some good ones, some not-so-good ones, but eventually the path gets easier. I hope the road is less bumpy for you in the future. Take care.
Beth
Hey Beth,
Thankyou..you have been such a big help to me. I can see that you understand what is happening to me. Yes, like you said, he let me go far to early in therapy, even though I gave him plenty of signs that I still needed him. At our last session he explained that while our work together was done, he would like to continue hearing from me from time to time. He explained that I was not to call him during a specific time frame as he was in session with other patients at that time. I could leave messages, but if I needed something pertaining to meds etc, that he would call me back. One day, I called to leave him a message, really early in the day (not during session time)and he picked up the phone. He seemed annoyed with me for calling (obviously there was something going on at that moment), I could see that he was not happy with me and he scolded me like a child. This is when the feelings of humiliation started, yet I could not stop calling him. I became more desperate after that..very childlike, like a girl looking for her father’s approval or something..I dunno. I would tell myself everyday..”do not call him Dee, do not call him”..yet I did. It was like I needed to hear his voice just to cope. I made a point after that of calling him only in the evening, after office hours, with no risk of him picking up the phone. As time went on..I became more and more embarressed about the whole situation..Many days thinking: “What the hell am I doing?” “Snap out of it”!!!!! “Your a grown woman for God’s sake”!! The last 6 months have been very difficult for me. I think, that deep down, I was hoping that he would call me, to acknowledge how I felt, but, he didn’t. Which I can understand, what was he going to say really? “Oh Dee, I am so glad..I feel the same way”. I am not dillusional. It’s like you said..I just think he really did not know what to do with me..anyway, the last six weeks or so, I just started to feel like I just couldn’t take this anymore..I needed him, yet I just could/can not tolerate this anymore..the humiliation has become unbearable..it has started to affect me in a negative way. This is when I finally made the decision to stop this..I feel really good about that and am hoping I will keep my word to myself. That’s all for now..Stay Well..DEE
Hi, transient therapy,mainly to obtain an authorization script ( as in get three boxes of medication for the price of one) My medication is being weaned!!, I feel ok.x K
Hi Dee,
It sounds as if you were experiencing separation distress and so felt a desperate need to contact. I think that probably goes back to infant-parent attachment. Child needs parent in order to survive and so when separated from parent, the child is then driven to seek out the attachment figure. It’s a basic survival mechanism that has apparently been instilled in us. I had the very same feeling after ending my therapy and it is almost compulsive in nature…and very difficult to control. I really think it is a completely normal reaction. I can remember the most awful yearning…it felt as if there was a vacuum on my heart and it was being suctioned out. This longing would go on for several hours at a time and several times a day in the beginning. It was physical. My heart was literally aching for him. It doesn’t really happen anymore, but it has also taken me over a year to feel at total peace with the separation. There is real grief involved with the loss of this relationship. And again, I believe this to be a very normal reaction.
Try to be gentle with yourself. You have made the decision now to separate from him and this “urge to contact” should ease in time. Hopefully you have a support systrem in your life and friends or family who will help you through this difficult time. It sounds as if you are determined and on your way to feeling at peace with all of this. Take care.
Beth
Hi Beth,
I am really trying to be gentle with myself..but it`s hard..I feel so damn humiliated and can`t believe I allowed myself to get carried away like this. It is very unlike me, yet at times it felt good to allow myself that vulnability. I still struggle though..just this morning I yearned for him..to just talk to him..I did Yoga instead! Ha! Anyway, I know that`s it`s the right thing to do for myself..just try and carry on and not make contact with him anymore. Most people who have never experienced something like this don`t understand so I rarely talk about it with outsiders. I am married with 2 young children. My husband has no idea. My `moments`are attrubuted to my depression and he understands this and is very patient with me. He (my husband) is a wonderful man. But this `thing`in my head with my T is something very different than the intimacy I share with my husband. Hard to explain really..Anyway, my kids (who are so adorable and sweet) keep my on my toes..and laughing…this is a good thing..Take Care Beth…DEE
This post has really disturbed me when I peruse comments these past 2 months, and I have finally decided to comment here, expecting I will be shouted down and dismissed, but the regulars need to hear the following:
There is NOTHING therapeutic to be involved with your therapist, and most responsible and ethical organizations and boards who define appropriate care and boundaries will do more than frown on any clinician who gets physically involved with a defined patient! Sure, there are few and far between exceptions to this, but you better be ready for some serious fallout, and the clinician better be ready to potentially lose a license to practice. So, to risk annoying and pissing some people off above here, there is more so personality issues at hand in debating this and looking for justification, so good luck in your searches to unite with a person who I hope started out trying to help you get back on track and be productive, positive, and functional. Because if you get involved with your therapist emotionally and physically, I will quote you what I feel is an appropriate line from ‘The Little Mermaid’:
looking leads to wanting, and that leads to trouble.
Or, CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!!
just a professional opinion.
skillsnotpills, board cert psych MD
Hi above,
I think that what you have said above is true. I think though that if you have followed us “regulars” as you so call us, you will note that the the majority of us already KNOW this! There are a few out there who are willing to risk everything and “cross over”, but the majority of us are just trying to deal with the reality that we have feelings for a person that we cannot ever have a relationship with,outside of a therapeutic one. What is so disturbing about that? At the end of the day, its really about wanting to be seen and heard, what every human being naturally longs for. I don’t think you should be so hard on us. Like I said before, we are all just trying to find our way.
I agree with you one hundred percent. I have always understood and respected the relationship for exactly what it is. I never wanted it to be more. My therapist was always professional with me. I just ended up with feelings for him that I valued very much. Of course I’ve always known that they could NEVER be acted on. I’ve just been trying to understand and accept them. I’ve been trying to cope with the loss and have wanted to discuss it. Knowing what the relationship is doesn’t make it easy to separate from it. I’ve wanted to help others know that their difficulties are not just theirs…that others share in a similar type of pain. I still love my therapist and while I will never regret that, I know that our relationship is what it is and that is that.
I just wanted to add that I personally always welcome any discussion…opinions and thoughts from others. I certainly wouldn’t get annoyed…I just sometimes become protective of my feelings because they are meaningful to me. But at the same time I’m aware that the defensiveness is my issue. I also think that I’m much better with this now. I’m doing my best to move on and learn from this. I really think that studying my feelings has helped me to learn a great deal about myself and that what I’ve learned through this I can now use positively in my life. I also can’t help but find this entire experience very fascinating as I have a personal interest in psychology. Life is always a work in progress. Even after therapy is over…
Best to all.
Beth
Hey Beth,
I have to say your input into my situation has been such a big help to me. Today, I woke up thinking about him as I do most days, but the urge to call him was not there.(good, good). I shall continue…Take Care
Dee
Dee, you will feel so much better without therapy. What you accomplished was not only that you learned a great deal about yourself and him, but that you are able to master difficult, very difficult, situations and relationships, and become stronger.
I don’t think skillsnotpills understands just how devastating this situation can be, but I do hope, SNP, that you may still listen to us, and hear what we are saying, as this is not only true, but more common than many people who should know, do know. And it is very real. it’s not something you plan on. it’s in fact, the last thing you imagine happening. And it is not only something that happens to ‘needy’ people, but in fact, even more of a nightmare for those of us who have always been very independent, and didn’t really need anyone.
Thanks for listening! kat
Hi….saw A*** today (T), Meds are drawing to a close, we enjoy each other so much, I guess knowing each other for a long time socially, work etc contributes. I don’t believe in Transference, another Psychiatrist told me many relationships begin out by that description and work. he’s hot, he has the most well developed sense of humour, I have never laughed so much in all my life. A sincere character, what a cross road-a bit scary.I sort of have never wanted to admit it, but after all this time, I do believe I am in love with him. Anyway just had to get that out. Dee your doing awesome, proud of U x K
Hi Everyone,
Still doing well today…miss, miss, miss him so, but still no impulsive moments to call. Thanks again for all your support everyone..Kriistene..I am a little worried about you though..what is the next step for you? He has seperated. Does it have anything to do with you? Please, please be careful, but I know how exciting this must be for you..hard to control..this I know..Stay Well..
DEE
Hi, nothing at all to do with me whatsoever, I am just eeing my meds out , almost complete. Spoke to my husband seriously about reprocussions I will employ if things dont change between us, he listened carefully and agreed. We might just be ok. No, it was some young Physio that caused the problem amongst other factors I’m sure. I’m not excited about it all , I just want happiness for all, he’s a great bloke. Any woman would “fall in love” with this honey. You would have to be either a lesbian or crazy not to fall for this one. I’m great, going overseas to Europe for 3 wks to visit family for a wedding, thanks Dee xxxx take care K
Hi…what do you all think about my situation???? x K
I feel sorry for the therapist! He is not immune to being hurt, either.
So you feel you are in love with him? Have you discussed your feelings for him with him? It might be helpful to understanding where they are coming from and how best to deal with them. I’d have to go back and read more to get a clearer picture of your situation. Is it my understanding that you feel the affection is mutual? I still belive that emotional honesty is the best course of action. What are you feeling about all of this?
Hi… yeah its mutual, we know it’s not ethical at this stage so we are not acting on it, just mucking around, a lot of laughs…..I would prefer to get things on track with my husband, he’s a wonderful man and father. I would never in my entire life hurt A***, he saved my life three years ago, I will never forget that, you don’t hurt someone like that ever, he knows that, I know that. x K
PS Katrin….your history of advice to others is on the verge of outstanding… thanks for yours to mine? x K
I agree, most of us here, understand what should happen in therapy…the boundaries, rules, regulations……but the heart goes where it will. This is why I am a member of the site A Most Heartbreaking Love….where everyone understands what it is like to have feelings for a therapist. The aforementioned professional stated what we all know.
Still in love with my t for five years; and yes…it has been discussed many times.
Put 2 people in a room…and if there is chemistry…that is the beginning of a struggle. We should not be ashamed of our feelings. They aren’t right or wrong…they just are, and should be honored and dealt with.
If my t hadn’t involved me in his struggle I could have better handled it.
Thank you, Kriistene. I just saw your message to me. It’s really hard sometimes to keep track of which articles you commented on, and to check back on them to see if someone else commented.
What I have found works best is to go to the ‘search box’ and put in your name, and then it will list all the articles you commented on and it’s easy to go through, and back to them.
I was a little worried about hurting you with my comment and am so glad I did not.
xxxKatrin
thanks Katrin.. thats a good idea, there’s not a great deal that can hurt me anymore. xx K
Hi Everyone,
I am so glad to see all the wonderful support each and every one of you are giving each other. Indeed. Just back from a business trip(I own a jewelery business)…talk about serendipity…there was a psychology convention at the hotel I was staying in (Toronto, Canada). 1000 psychologists from all over the world all in the same place! So, I’m in the lounge (of course),with one of my colleagues, enjoying my Cranberry martini when sitting right beside me (you guessed it), one of the speakers at the convention. Very handsome young guy, intelligent..Harvard grad etc., we talk a while, and guess what?!!! the guy asked me and and my friend if we would meet up later, (one of his colleagues showed up too). I am telling you, I’ve never had so much fun in all my life! These guys were a blast! We laughed our heads off..(I guess psychologists have a sense of humour after all) The best part is: free psycotherapy!!! He was quite impressed with my “knowledge” on the world of psychology Ha Ha! Little did he know what it is based on….anyway, it is just so odd that here I am dealing with my “issues” when out of the blue I am surrounded by not just one, but 1000 psychologists..very strange indeed..throught you all would appreciate my story…Hang in there everyone..DEE
Hi Dee…..Where was my invite? Glad u had a great time x Kriistene
All’s quite with everyone I guess? Nothing new to report myself. Still thinking, wishing and looking for him in crowds..stay well everyone.
Dee
Ah… I meant quiet, not quite..typo..time to go to bed!
Not that quiet Dee, small towns are difficult when you run into each other. My thing at the moment is that he makes himself so available ,I had some difficulty with medication side effects etc, a few things happened at once and i felt dreadful. I am going to Europe in a few weeks (i live in Australia) and he said please see me before I leave. Its confusing, is it an attraction or just a wonderful person. I tell my husband most things and they are good mates (small town!!!) I have seen Clinical Psychologists in the past, they do the job well, this seems so different, why ? because he’s a Psychiatrist? because we have socialised , worked together. As I have said , he’s far to wonderful a person to comprimise in any way…. he’s still hot , I tell you. Take care all, esp. u Dee ok xxx KK from Oz
Hi Kriistene,
Yes, sounds like you have alot happening. Those feelings are strong aren’t they? I have been good lately..not feeling so desperate as before but still hoping to run into him somewhere. I live in a big city so chances are slim..for the better anyway..stay strong and enjoy Europe. DEE
I just read through all of these posts and I feel very grateful to all of you for sharing. I was surprised that no one wrote about the feelings of anger and betrayal that come from knowing that your therapists see other patients. When I am there in his office I feel like I am the only one in his world – he has no wife, no kids, no 20 year history of working with patients, no students, and definitely no other frigging patients. And I love that. I know, intellectually, that it is an illusion… that I am part of his work, his job, his profession. When he goes on a vacation it’s a vacation from me. And I feel horrible about this. I imagine that he does enjoy our time together. He certainly makes me feel like everything I say is very interesting and important when I’m there… And of course, my father never made me feel interesting or important. And it was always about him and what his opinions and needs were. So naturally when someone devotes the kind of time that my therapist does I feel filled, quenched… in love. Madly in love. Desperately, painfully, agonizingly in love. And oh god yes is it sexual. It is unlikely that I would find myself physically attracted to him in another context but just as all mothers find their children to be the most beautiful of all the world’s children, I have fallen in love with his face, with his voice, with his jokes. And when I talk about these feelings, as I have constantly for the last two months it makes my stomach tremble and the surge of emotion and arousal is just so strong. And in those moments I feel so extremely lucky to be able to experience this falling in love feeling – this feeling that I thought I had closed a door on when I said my wedding vows. But oh the ache when the illusion fades. The ache that every song on the radio seems to be written about. The ache that makes me look at his Facebook picture (it’s public — we’re not “friendsâ€), Google “In love with therapist†and write long letters describing me feelings to women (and a few men) who I’ll never meet but who so very clearly share these feelings of love, lust, joy and despair. I am putting so much faith in him, in the process of therapy, and in my own survival strengths to bear these incredibly uncomfortable feelings in the hope that I’ll be rewarded with more than just the momentary, fleeting, euphoric teenage-drama type experiences and gain a bit of what Beth has so articulately described… the introspection, the learning to love in a fuller, deeper way, the surmounting of past trauma and rejection. Best wishes to all of you and thank you again for your honesty and wisdom.
Must be off to bed now… I have therapy in the morning
Hi… a lot is happening, my feelings for years , before therapy etc have been really intermitent, I think he’s so hot, but I am inlove with my husband. Things however have been difficult with my husband, use to getting his own way , typical Surgeon, takes that out me only at home, not when we work together. He is a lovely man its just a bit hard. To tell the truth, I would love an affair with A but could I look my family in the face again like I always have. We are at a hard faze, I would adore looking forward to seeing him privately, I will ask as therapy draws to a close.
He is so hot……My family is better Ilove rhem so much, would it be so bad to have an affair or half an affair, whatever that it ?? xx KKK
I am glad I found this website. I have been struggling with my feelings towards my therapist for some time now. It is driving me crazy! I am married and so is he. However, I am not inlove with my husband. I want to tell tell my therapist that I am inlove with him so he can help me through this, but I am deathly afraid that if I tell him how I feel about him he will discontinue seeing me as a patient. Has anyone ever had that happen to them? I am making so much progress since I’ve been in therapy with him. I have seen many therapists in my past and have never fallen inlove with them. The therapist I am seeing now challenges me and has helped me open up like I never have to any of my other therapists. I cant afford to lose him. Help, anyone.
Bonnie,
As you know, most of us here have been struggling with similar issues. Your therapists job is to help you and obviously, by reading your above blog, he has done so. I don’t think that by telling your therapist how you feel about him will constitute a dismissal by him, in fact, we are told that this is a natural part of the therapeutic process. However, having said that, what I do know, is that it can not and should not be taken to the next level. ie-a relationship outside of a therapeutic one. If you read the article and what most of us are struggling with is just that: how to deal with feelings for someone we cannot share our lives with. It’s a tough one, and the journey for answers never seems to end. For myself, the journey has come and gone in many different stages, and most of the time, it has been a lesson in pure frustration. I am at a point now, where while my feelings for him remain the same (I care very deeply for him, and do love him), I do not need him to carry on in my life. I am surviving just fine without this need to feel like he has to be part of my life. I am okay with just thinking about him for time to time and really, just wishing him well in his life. Believe me, it took awhile to get here (almost one year), but I’m here and really, it is such a relief! Bonnie, know that it is a process and part of your journey, go with it and see where it takes you, be open to what you feel and most of all, don’t beat yourself for feeling what you feel. Good luck and know that you have a place to discuss your feelings. DEE
Thank you, Dee. I wrote him a letter and plan to read it to him in our next session. Just writing the letter helped relieve some burden. I will keep everyone posted on how it goes next week. I am nervous and scared but know I can no longer contain it.
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