“I think I’m in love with my therapist. What’s wrong with me? What should I do?”
It is not unusual to feel strong feelings of “love” or affinity toward your therapist. But those feelings probably aren’t what you think.
Psychodynamic theory suggests the reason that many people fall in love with their therapist is because they are repeating emotional patterns they experienced as children toward their parents. This behavior and set of feelings was first described by Sigmund Freud who coined the term “transference” to describe it. He discovered transference after noting this many of his mostly-female clients would start describing their own romantic feelings toward him. In some patients, the feelings were not romantic, but instead more childlike and Freud took on a parental role in the patient’s mind. It was as though Freud became their father figure, and the tempestuous relationship would then play out in his office.
Freud described this process over a hundred years ago, and therapists and their clients still deal with this issue even in modern psychotherapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy. Because the process itself is a very real possible side effect of psychotherapy, although it doesn’t happen to everyone in all therapeutic situations.
Why Does Transference Occur?
Nobody can say for certain why transference seems to be a process of many people’s psychotherapy, regardless of the actual background of the therapist or focus of therapy. Goal-focused, short-term psychotherapy is no guarantee that transference won’t occur. Some cognitive-behavioral therapists, in their efforts to focus on empirically-based treatments, simply ignore these feelings when they come up in the course of psychotherapy. Others downplay their importance.
Transference likely occurs because the therapeutic environment is generally seen as a safe, supportive and nurturing environment. Therapists are seen as accepting, positive influences in our lives, but sometimes also as authoritative guides. In these various roles, a therapist can inadvertently step into roles previously occupied in our lives by one of our parents. Or a client can become infatuated with the seemingly endless supply of wisdom and positive self-regard some therapists exude. The effects can be just as intoxicating as one’s first love. In this increasingly detached world, someone who spends nearly a full hour with our undivided attention may become quite godlike.
Therapists may also represent an individual in a person’s life that provided the unconditional acceptance (and perhaps love) that we all seek from important others in our life. Our mother. Our father. A sibling. A lover. A therapist doesn’t ask for a person to be anything other than themselves. And in the honest emotional environment that’s so often found in the best therapists’ office, it’s easy to idealize (and in some cases, idolize) the accepting, caring professional who sits across from us.
I Think I’m in Love! Now What?
So you feel like you’re in love with your therapist and while intellectually you may understand that this is just a normal process of psychotherapy for some, you still need to do something about it.
The first thing to understand is that this is not anything you should be ashamed or afraid of. This type of transference is not an uncommon feature of psychotherapy, and these kinds of feelings are not something you can simply just turn on and off at will. Having these feelings for your therapist is not “unprofessional” nor does it cross any kind of therapeutic boundaries.
Second, talk to your therapist. Okay, I know this is the hardest step, but it is also the most important. Your therapist should be experienced and trained in transference issues (yes, even the modern cognitive-behavioral therapists), and be able to talk to you about them in an open and accepting manner. As with most issues in therapy, bringing it out into the open and talking about it usually is sufficient to help most people in dealing with their feelings. Your therapist should also talk to you about ways you can better understand them in the context of your therapeutic relationship, family history and background, and what kinds of things you might be able to do to help and reduce their intensity.
Third, accept your feelings and continue in focusing on the reasons that brought you into therapy in the first place. For some people, this will be easy. Once they’ve discussed the issue with their therapist, they feel relieved — like a weight has been lifted off of their shoulders. For others, the process may be more difficult and require that some therapy time be spent further discussing these feelings with your therapist.
I should also note that if a therapist returns your feelings of love in any form whatsoever, it is a breach of the professional therapeutic relationship and ethics. Professional therapists are trained to cope with their own “counter-transference” issues, and in the U.S., a romantic relationship between a client and their therapist is considered unethical and verboten. You should consider ending your relationship with such a therapist and talking to your regional ethics board about filing a complaint.
“Falling in love” with your therapist is sometimes a normal process of psychotherapy. It only means that you’re feeling positive, intense feelings for another person who is helping you with important issues in your life. Do not run away from these feelings — or your therapist — in fear. Talk to your therapist about them, and chances are, it will help.
585 comments
This morning I decided to cancel my appointment. Last night I spent most of the evening trying to figure out what I should wear, how to fix my hair, etc. When I woke, I realized that was bad. Instead of fixing my issues, I’m fixated on my T and what he thinks of me. Maybe I’ll find someone new or just stop therapy.
I’m a male client who fell in love with my female LCSW…..she was the first person who gave me unconditional positive regard and a warm, safe environment. Falling in love with her was not something I planned, and it was not healthy(I found that out when she took a job on the west coast and relocated-I was crushed and took it personally(I figured if I had worked harder in therapy she would have stayed.)yeah,right). I also found out that I don’t have to feel guilty for falling for her.
Jinx’d,
Yes, you are obsessed, but no different than me or many of us on this blog who have experienced the same feelings. I was where you are right now about 1 year ago. It’s hard when you are going through it because you try so hard to fight the feelings, to tell yourself that you are a sane reasonable person and then ask: Why am I doing this then? The only explanation or answer I can give you is to just let things run their course with yourself and don’t be so hard on yourself along the way. Eventually, you will get to a place and time where it will just end for you. Where things won’t be so intense for you. Seriously, it will. You will just know it when it happens and believe me it will happen. I didn’t believe people when they told me this either, but one day, it just stopped. Don’t get me wrong, I still think about him from time to time, (actually alot) but I don’t feel the same urgency as before. It’s been replaced by this fondness when I think of him. A really fond memory that has its place..I know it’s hard, but hang in there..you will get there to. Take Care DEE
Hi Jinx’d,
I know it’s hard. It is getting pretty hard for me too. I spend way too much time fixing myself before my appt. I usually feel real nervous before our sessions, but I relax when I’m in his office with him. But that’s mostly because my “T” has a real good sense of humor and I use humor as a coping mechanism. My biggest struggle is that I have to literally fight myself not to get up and kiss him. I know it’s ridiculous, but part of me wants to really try to seduce him, but I am too afraid of rejection. I cant stand this feeling and I leave feeling so foolish for thinking this way. I have actually decided that I can no longer see him once a week. I called and left a measage that I can only see him every other week. I guess I need to wien myself from him. I think that maybe if you are suffering this much too, you should try the same. I know it is scary. It is very scary for me. But I just cant take this feeling anymore. I’m either going to seduce him and make an ass out of myself by getting rejected, or i’m going to succeed and ruin therapy—neither of what I want to do. I know I am reliving my past as you are probally reliving yours.
Dee,
Thanx for your encouragement. It is hopeful.
Sidious777,
Thank you for sharing. I think it is a blessing in disguise that your “T” relocated. Trust me, you don’t want the added stress in your life.
Wish someone would relocate my therapist 🙂 I have been following your chatter for a while and wondering if you are questioning your “T” state of mind. They are all human after all. As irrational your behavior may seems to you, nothing happens without a reason. Just like you, I want to rip my clothes off and run around naked in his office, screaming my endless “I love yous”. Back to my question – do you wonder or question if your treating “T” is actually psychologically ok enough to treat you, because I know for a fact – my is not.
Poo,
Lol. Can you explain why you think your “T” is not psychologically ok to treat you? I’m not sure if my “T” is, but he is definately not your mainstream therapist. He is very different in his approach to things, and I sometimes wonder if he is sticking to the rules of therapy. He hasn’t done anything very inappropriate, but he is very liberal with his talking to me. I dont know if that makes any sense.
Hello everyone,
I am feeling real discouraged today. I dont see how loving my “T” is really a necessary part of therapy. That’s what he told me anyway. How is feeling depressed that I can’t have him be necessary. If anything, it is making my marriage more distressed. I cant stand being touched by my husband. I can hardly stand looking at him. I just want him to leave me alone. I just want my therapist. I’m obsessed with just having at least one night of passion with him. I dont understand why I’m being so freakin’ crazy. Everything I do is forced. I even have to force myself sometimes to play with my kids.
I dont know if I should see him anymore. Is this really going to bring about healing in anyway? Anyone?
Bonnie,
I feel exactly the same as you. I’ve been so depressed and not wanting to be bothered by anyone, especially hubby. I see my T on Thursday and I’m not going to cancel. Maybe I should bring up my feelings again? I only discussed it once with him, but that is because I was afraid he would drop me. I don’t know how to continue on in therapy if I can’t get past how much I love looking and talking to him. I just want to ask him personal questions and thats it. I feel like those questions and talk will “fix” me. I know it won’t, but I keep thinking it will.
good luck dear
Hi Jinx’d,
You should definately bring your feelings up again. I have not been as direct with my “T” since the last time I saw him. I have brought it up indirectly since then, but he doesn’t seem to get the clue that I need to talk about it more.
I saw him last Wed. and I felt so horrible after wards so I had to call him and tell him I can only see him every other week because it is too hard for me to see him every week because my feelings for him are so strong. I then really wanted to talk to him about it so I left a measage on his vm on Thursday telling him to please call me so it is not lingering over my head. He has still not called me back and I am so pissed at him for it.
How uncaring is that!? He knows I’m suffering and he is still letting me suffer w/o a phone call. I dont know if I should keep my appt Wed. or if I should just not show up.
I just want my life back again. I want to play with my kids and help them with their school work. I want to be happy. It is as if a wrench has been thrown into my “wheel” and I am at a stand still trying hard to move and unable to. Part of me wants to not see him anymore, but there is too much going on in my life right now to just switch therapists. I don’t have time to bullshit with a new “T” for another year before I can trust him/her. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I’m so glad for this website. I dont know where else I could vent like this.
Bonnie,
I would be very upset with him. He is supposed to care and that means a phone call back!
Now I feel angry at mine for not asking me how I was feeling about him. I wonder if he just doesn’t give a crap? Just another client, just another co pay, just another day.
Damn, I feel so depressed and down now just thinking about him.
I have a question for all. Does your therapist talk or ask questions or just listen to you?
My therapist just gives me a long piercing stare, so long that I figured at some point: ” what is he looking at? He’s gotta be in love with me, or somthing…”. He does not call back or talk to me much lately. He just slowly raises his eye lids and drills holes in my head with his eyes alone. At some point I’ve decided to stare back, because I actually enjoyed that stare. That’s when it happened – a huge explosion in my amygdala. The other big “T”. The transference. My hormones went wild – oxcytocin, dopamine, adrenaline.
I wonder if you, guys, listen to your self sometimes. Internet can be cheaper and faster then any therapy. Do you really think therapist can deliver a “fix”?
I do not want to disclose too much info for protection of my “T”. My former “T” now. I have good reasons to suspect he’s going through a very messy divorce. His own “T” did not “fix” him much, I suppose.
I am concerned for all of you. Have I been correct in what I’ve been reading that you’ve expressed your feelings to your therapists and the Ts have not wanted to discuss it any further? These feelings need to be explored and understood. Bonnie, you say it has negatively impacted your marriage? The first thing to accept in this, no matter how painful it may be, is that you can’t ever have a sexual relationship with your therapist. But the feelings and the motivations behind the feelings have much to say about you and what you need/want in a relationship, what’s been missing…The best way through this is to discuss it further, understand it. If your therapist isn’t willing to discuss this with you, I would be very concerned about you continuing therapy with him.
Hey Jinx’d,
I am definately going to bring it up. I have an appointment tomorrow, which I was supposed to not keep, and now I feel impelled to keep so I can tell him how angry and hurt I am at him. I told him 2 weeks ago that I thought he hated me and that I thought he was being rude to me. And that I am just another client to him. He was very upset at me for saying this, and told me that I am reading into things because of how I feel about him. That nothing has changed and that I am trying to sabbatoge therapy because I am afraid. (OUCH.) That if I bring that up again, he will transfer me. :O
I hope that was a bluff. I guess I want to bring up how frustrated I am because he didn’t call me when he knew I was in such a bad state of mind. I suggest you talk to your “T” also about your anger towards him.
As for your question, my “T” talks for most of the session. He kind of monopolizes the session. He likes to teach me. He is like a self help book. I like learning and hearing him talk. I wish I could express myself more, but he tells me to be quiet and listen. Is that kinda wierd or what?
Hello Poo,
I know for me therapy is helping. If it wasn’t for my darn feelings, I would be doing great, or better. I have grown so much from him, but am now at a stand still. I wouldn’t worry about protecting your “T” in this website. Everything is totally confidential and we are all using fake names. Do you suspect your “T” is inlove with you?
Beth,
Thanx for your comments. I’m not sure if I am reading into things or if it is actually true that my “T” does not want to discuss my feelings with me. I guess in a way I feel afraid that I will come out looking desperate and pathetic and obsessed, which I am all those things, but I dont really want him to see that side of me. I know that is stupid because that is why he is there for. I guess I have to stop seeing him as a potential liason and a friend and start seeing him as a therapist again. I’ll see what happens when I bring it up to him again.
I know you are right about the whole affair with “T” thing. I know nothing good can come from it. Sometimes I just want to try and have him reject me, just so I can get it out of my system. I don’t have the gutts for it anyway. As embarrasing as this may be, I know I need to discuss this with him.
Hi Everyone,
Wow, things have been so intense for everyone lately. Jinx’d and Bonnie: I so understand what you are going through. There was a point in my life where I was so overwhelmed with my feelings for my former “T” where I couldn’t focus on even getting myself dressed in the morning let alone give my kids and husband some attention. It’s awful when you feel like that because it makes the situation seem so much more out of control and you feel so helpless. Not to mention the energy is sucks out of you. There were days where I was so drained by the drama of it all..seriously, days where I could not put a morsal of food into my mouth..just so exhausted of it all.. this was the peak of it for me, and it was at this point that I new things had to change. I wanted things between my old “T” and I to happen so badly, yet I could not stand one more minute of what it was doing to me. There is no easy answer to this, not at all. Each one of you has to decide when enough is enough and like I said before, you will know it when you get there. I feel for all of you and hope you find some peace and resolution soon. DEE
Hi everyone, I was away overseas for a while. Hope everyone is well…. I have missed out on so much.Sometimes I feel we are forgetting why we ended up in therapy in the first place, and where it has lead us. A place that is so incredibly intense and brings out more than we thought. As it takes us by surprise, we fall into these feelings of care, lust (my case!!), “love”, infatuation etc. Most Therapists I believe are in the profession because they care, I have seen it for years. A care like that may be misinterpreted, believe me it can be harder if your T is a collegue, friend etc. We really love teasing each other, I am not sure where this will lead. keep well xxxxx K
HI…back to skillsnotpills…Good one, don’t you know we are certainly aware of legislation etc, Surely you are of the understanding these things occur between pt & T. Please provide some constructive advice. “skillsnotpills” has no place in certain circumstances. K certified Psychiatrist MD. ( I have some letters also )
Hello everyone,
I’m glad to hear from you Dee, and welcome back Kriitene. I heard back from my “T” this morning before my appt. He appologized for not calling back and said he had missed several days from work. He was very sincere. I told him how I really need to deal more with the transference issue. He agreed. We had a great session. I am so glad I talked to him about it. I have a wonderful therapist. I feel more at peace. For now anyway.
Bonnie,
That is so great! He wasn’t ignoring you afterall. See the things we create in our minds when we feel insecure? Tell us, how did the session go? What was said? I would be very interested to hear his side of things. Do share..glad you are feeling better..DEE
I saw my T yesterday and I didn’t know what to say. I’ve been very depressed and can’t seem to organize my thoughts. When I went in, I told him this and said “you’re going to have to help me today”. Part of this was to see if he would talk or ask questions. He is very silent during our sessions and I wanted to know if he was even paying attention to what I said.
He’s going on vacation for a MONTH! I was and still am upset by this. I know he has a life, but what about his clients? I feel abandoned and angry and really hate him right now. I feel that maybe it’s just time to give up. It’s always going to be the same recylced shit with me and maybe no therapist can ever help.
Jinx’d,
What is it that you were trying to say? You must have talked about something? Perhaps you are upset that he didn’t give you the response you were looking for or that you expected him to know what you were wanting to talk about without actually saying it. Is this the case? Definitley it is hard to express one’s feelings for someone but on the other hand we can’t expect them to read our minds either. Also, you are being a little hard on yourself don’t you think? Therapy is a huge emotional investment and there are times when things just take alot of time to process..you made the first step by seeking out help in the first place, take your time..no two sessions will ever be the same and maybe the next time you will be pleasently surprised. Jinx’d, be kinder to yourself. And yes, therapist’s do have a life outside of their practice..they are only human afterall and from what I understand, they need vacations also. I hope tommorow is a better day for you. DEE
Dee,
You are right. In my mind, I was sure looking way too much into it. I wish his stupid secretary would have told me he wasn’t in. He was so sweet, he even told me that if I was too uncomfortable to come in, that he would be ok with having our session over the phone. Of course I had to come in. He said he felt it was his fault that I felt this way because he should have known he should have adressed it more. He told me I analyze things too much and should stop doing that. He also said that I should stop seeing him as all my other past relationships with the men in my life and see him as someone who is there to build me up, and not to ever be uncomfortable. That nothing makes him uncomfortable because he has been in therapy for so long. He said he is willing to talk about it as often as I need to. He was so caring and sincere. I felt very comfortable. We didn’t talk about it as much as I would have liked to because he tends to take one thing I say and go with it, so I didn’t get to talk about some important things I really need to bring up. But now I know I have plenty of time to do that, since he is open about me talking about it whenever I need to.
Kriitine, you are so right about therapists going into the profession because they care about people. He is so caring. It is hard when you’ve never had the men in your life care about you so sincerely and then here is someone who meets your needs so perfectly. It makes leaves you wanting more.
Jinx’d,
Dee is right. look at what happened to me. I was thinking that my “T” didn’t want to talk to me and all along it was a misunderstanding. I’ve been reading this really good book. It is written by the inventor of cognitive therapy. He talks about how people with depression have a lot of negative thinking. We can make depression worse by the negative things we put in our minds. Like assuming what others are thinking of us. I know it is real hard to talk to your “T” escpecially if he is silent a lot. It makes you almost try to guess what he is thinking. Maybe you could try asking him more direct questions, like, “what do you think about what I just said?” When is he going on vacation? I think a month is a very long time and he should give his clients at least a month notice to mentally prepare themselves. Maybe this will be a blessing in disguise for you. Do you have at least one more session before his vacation? If so, really go out on a limb and be clear with how you express your emotions for him.
Hang in there dear.
Hi Dee,
Thanx for asking about how the session went. He was real disappointed in himself because he felt he failed to adress the issue more. He told me that I should not be uncomfortable with what I tell him because that is why he is there for. That he has been doing this for many years and nothing I say can make him uncomfortable. He said I need to stop seeing him as my other male relationships because he is there to build me up, unlike my other male relationships in my past. He told me I can talk to him about this issue whenever I need to. I didn’t get to say as much as I would have liked to because he was talking alot, but it’s ok because I know I can bring it up again anytime I need to. I felt real at peace when I left.
Kriitine, you are right when you say that therapists get into this profession because they care about people. It makes it real hard for us who might not have been cared for like this before.
Bonnie,
I am so glad that things are going better for you. He sounds like a wonderful therapist and that is so important. I hope now that you are able to move forward and get to the core of things with him. You have done a fine job Bonnie..sometimes we are harder on ourselves than need be..wishing you the best. DEE
My friend and I have started a website: http://www.inlovewithyourtherapist.com……I‘ve been in love with my therapist for 5 years….my friend for a little less longer. We are burning up the phone lines in discussing this issue. The therapy community is relatively blind in this area, and usually say this situation is quite uncommon. My friend and I beg to differ. We are intending on writing a book (anonamously, of course) for anyone who wants to share their stories. Any questions, feel free to contact me: [email protected]
Bonnie,
He’s leaving in two weeks and he did give a month notice, but I missed our last appointment.
I’m so obsessed and feeling very embarrassed about it. I’m going to say some stuff that might make me look like a nutball. Since his wife is a therapist, I was thinking I would go see her and see what she is like in person. They work at different facilities… I know crazy. Then I started thinking, I’ll go to the same church as them and “accidentally” bump into them. I can’t believe how I’m feeling right now. I thought my “crush” was sort of going away, but apparently not.
I told him I need to see him before he leaves even though he’s completely booked. He said he would find room for me. I feel angry though, angry that he’s leaving me. I hate his wife, I hate his other clients, and most of all I hate myself.
I am going to ask him what his thoughts are when I talk about things. I want him to be more interactive and help me along, otherwise I just ramble on.
Oh ladies, how have we become like this? It almost hurts when I look at his picture and I hate that.
Take care
Jinx’d,
Wow. Sounds like you are really losing control. I mean that with all respect. I know how you feel. It is a crazy feeling. You said you are going to go to the same church as him. Do you attend church? If so, are you of the same denomination as him? I wouldn’t go try to see his wife if I were you. It might somehow show when they do paper work and he might find out. Though it might not be a bad thing to see another therapist (female) while you are seeing your current one, so you can talk about it more, especially since you feel embarrassed about talking to him about certain things. I was thinking of doing the same thing.
I think you feel angry at him because he doesn’t seem to be giving you what you need. He really should be more insightful and interactive instead of letting you “ramble” on. That would drive me crazy.
I really hope he can fit you in his schedual before he leaves. Start looking for a temperary therapist to talk during that month while he is gone. Maybe it will be good for you to be away from him for a bit.
I have lost control. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a black pit and there is no way out. My husband tried to hug me and I pushed him away and yelled at him.
I don’t attend church anymore, but I know he is still active in the Catholic church. It’s amazing what you can find out through google. After I do these “searches” I feel so crazy and hate myself more and more.
Right now the depression is so bad. I’m just feeling tired of the struggle. Every day is a struggle and I quit. I don’t have any fight left in me, so I surrender.
I appreciate everyone’s kind and loving words here, especially your Bonnie. It is comforting to know that others share similar stories.
Good luck to all
You are in love, silly. Love is a such a green snake.
I know… awfull. It’s absolutely artificial situation.
Seeing a therapist of an opposite gender should be prohibited by law – Poo think.
Jinx’d,
I’m so glad I can be helpful. I am so glad for this website also. I dont know how I could handle all this otherwise. Surrender is good. I think for any sort of adiction or obsession, realizing you can’t “control” the situation anymore is important. It seems like you are a person who believes in a higher power. That’s good. I cry out to God for help all the time. I have been praying more often and going to church. Maybe going to church wont be such a bad idea, but I wouldn’t try to go to the same church as him. My “T” happens to go to the same church as me sometimes too. It is a little nerve wrecking trying to figure out if he’s there that week or not, or if I will bump into him. I absolutely dont want to bump into him and his wife together.
Some therapists have certain rules about how they act if they bump into a client outside session, and you wouldn’t want him to ignore you. You might feel worse. I had a therapist act like he didn’t know me once. My current “T” isn’t like that, but I know some are. Just be careful. I wouldn’t want to hear that another situation is created by you seeing him at church and he walks the other way.
I know what you mean about being touched by your hubbs. I cringe anytime my husband tries to hug or kiss me. I cant stand it, but I bite my lip and do it anyway. Sometimes love is an action more then a feeling. I know I cant take it out on him that I dont love him anymore. He is still my husband after all and I think it would be worse to lose a husband and then really be lonely. I just tell mine that I am going through a faze right now and to please bare with me. I tell him I am going through some confusing emotions and am dealing with it in therapy and not to worry, that it will pass. And I pray that it will.
Take courage,
Bonnie
Poo,
lol. Yes, but there are situations when some fall inlove with their therapist of the same gender. Transference is a funny thing.
Allison,
I think it is an awsome thing what you are doing. I would love to read it when you are done with it. There really needs to be a book out there about the experiences of others.
Poo,
By the way, how’s the whole “T” staring at you going? Anything coming of that?
Hi Everyone,
Just thinking of you all and hoping this will pass quickly..I am finally in a good place and I am so DAMN happy to be here..Whew..the worst is over!! I am so calm about things now..I so know how Jinx’d feels as that was me not long ago..as Bonnie said, surrender is good…this was the first step for me..perhaps you are on your way? I hope so. DEE
My stupid T hasn’t returned my e-mail message and I know he checked it on Friday at 3:30pm. I don’t care if he’s busy or not, what about me?
Today I was going to group therapy. I arrived early and laughed to myself and thought “wouldn’t it be funny if I saw him”. Not but 2 minutes later he walked out and to his car. What sucks is I know what kind of car he has and me and that kind of information is not good. I was thinking about sticking a love note on his car. I’m so dumb!
O yes, Bonnie! It is coming alone nicely. Instead of whining day and night about how difficult life is, I’m caring his imaginary babies… There is no love in therapist office, dear Bonnie:). My therapist is counter-transferring, of course. Or was it me, who was counter- transferring his transference? Sometimes I feel like checking out for any missing antennas, which of course are sticking out of my head, and clearing my robotic throat. I think my T is very confused about what he’s feeling. He must have went through enough therapeutic books and sign enough papers, where he can not distinguish his reality from theory. During one of our mutual staring sessions, which were extremely arousing for me, I exploded : ” What is it?! “. My T suddenly lowers his voice and whispers: “It is me, Poo. It’s not John ( let’s call him John ) the therapist “. I was actually questioning what was happening to me ( our eyes completely locked ) and not his actions. I could not pull my eyes off his, as much as I tried and we just ended up staring at each other for over a minute. Completely inappropriate, but there is nothing I could do. I also think this stuff somewhat is out of our control and is happening subconsciously . I’m generally not the type who’s frightened of my own shadow, but I am absolutely paralyzed once I am seated on that sofa. My friends are asking: ” Did you ask him what he meant by that? “. Of course no! I’m too amused to talk back… John – the forbidden fruit. Poo – also.
To answer your other question, Bonnie – have you ever heard of such a thing as bisexuality? People are just scared sh-less of this word and can’t admit to them self who they are. This is my point of view on a subject and I am sticking by it.
Hi… Transference does not just apply to a “T” and their patient. Many relationships begin in a transference like way, eg work place relationships, relationships where the balance of power is varied and a school Principal and a parent. These are just a few egs…. therefore we are not the only ones in the “Tranference Club”!!! lol K
Poo,
Wow. Sounds like something wierd is definately going on. I would be very careful if I were you. You really should try being more direct with him and tell him what you think is going on. I know it is probally enjoyable having those feelings being transfered to you, but it can end real painful if you dont adress it. Trust me, I would love nothing more then to have an affair with my “T”, but that’s my heart talking not my head. That’s why we’re in these websites, because we can be more focused and realistic with someone else.
By the way, does he talk to you about his private life? Mine does quit often. I know that he has problems in his marriage and I even know how often he has sex(which isn’t very often)with his wife. Does anyone think that is a bit wierd?
Jinx’d,
I know it’s hard when they dont get back to you right away. We want to believe that we are the only client. I can’t stand even imagining mine liking another client more then me. 🙂 I like to pretend I’m his favorite.
I dont think you should leave him a love note in his car, that might be considered stalking and if he finds out it’s you he might want to talk to you about it. But you could always right him a love note and give it to him at the end of your session and tell him not to read it until you’re gone. I think that way you might not be so embarrased.
I hope he calls you back soon. I’d hate waiting too.
Bonnie,
Yes he got back with me this morning and I have an appointment tomorrow. I still feel angry though. It does appear that I’m acting like a stalker, doesn’t it? I won’t leave a note or give him one. I want to stop wanting him and start treating my illness.
Bonnie,
Seriously? He talks to you about his sex life with his wife?! Honestly, that is not a good thing. Under what context does it come up? I have never heard of such a thing and I am curious to know why and how he talks about it. My ex “T” briefly told me once that he is a single father raising 3 children on his own. It came up because I told him that I had just hired a new nanny who was wonderful with my kids and he asked me how I found her. It went from there, but not once did he describe how or why he became a single Dad, his ex-wife or anything else personal of that nature. I gave him the number of the nanny service that helped me and that was the end of it. He never even told me if he found anyone and I never asked. I could not imagine what I would’ve done had he talked about his sex life..once I asked him if his children had a relationship with their Mother (his ex) and all he said was “it’s complicated” and that was the end of that. Nothing more was said. I know next to nothing about his personal life which is a good thing..I can’t imagine Bonnie..that does seem weird to me, but I dunno, what is the norm anyway?
Hi Dee,
Maybe it just came out. I had mentioned to him that my friend only had sex with her husband once a month (I dont remember why that came up)and he said, “Once a month? I’m lucky if I get it once every 2 months.” I was thinking, hmmm, I can help you with that problem. 😉 I know a lot about his personal life which I enjoy. He is an open book. I dont know if he is like that with all his other clients or just with me. I like to imagine it’s just me. That is actually what helped me open up to him. Trust awakens trust. I like that he is a real person with real problems and feelings. If he was reserved, I dont think I would have ever been able to open up.
I’m head over heals. I want him so bad!
Jinx’d,
I am so glad he got back to you. It’s probally good you decided not to give him the note on the car. I still think you should talk to him about your feelings more or write him a note. Really consider it.
Let us know how your appointment goes.
Bonnie,
The appointment went amazingly well. Today was the first day that I felt completely comfortable with him… evem able to look in his eyes.
I did not discuss my crush this time, but when he gets back from his holiday, I will. I did tell him that I was angry with him for leaving for a whole month.
I dressed up really pretty & wore makeup, hoping he would say I looked nice, but nothing. I don’t know what the f I’m doing fantasizing about a man I can never have? Someone shake me and wake me up!
Jinx’d,
That is awsome that you were able to look at him and tell him how you felt. That must have took a lot for you to say. What did he say about it?
Jinx’d,
P.S. I sometimes wonder if being able to have your therapist would make you feel better. I think that might add more pain later on. I read in the internet, that clients who have an affair with thier “T” end up more depressed and some even attempt suicide. I don’t think anything good can come from it. 🙁
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