“I think I’m in love with my therapist. What’s wrong with me? What should I do?”
It is not unusual to feel strong feelings of “love” or affinity toward your therapist. But those feelings probably aren’t what you think.
Psychodynamic theory suggests the reason that many people fall in love with their therapist is because they are repeating emotional patterns they experienced as children toward their parents. This behavior and set of feelings was first described by Sigmund Freud who coined the term “transference” to describe it. He discovered transference after noting this many of his mostly-female clients would start describing their own romantic feelings toward him. In some patients, the feelings were not romantic, but instead more childlike and Freud took on a parental role in the patient’s mind. It was as though Freud became their father figure, and the tempestuous relationship would then play out in his office.
Freud described this process over a hundred years ago, and therapists and their clients still deal with this issue even in modern psychotherapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy. Because the process itself is a very real possible side effect of psychotherapy, although it doesn’t happen to everyone in all therapeutic situations.
Why Does Transference Occur?
Nobody can say for certain why transference seems to be a process of many people’s psychotherapy, regardless of the actual background of the therapist or focus of therapy. Goal-focused, short-term psychotherapy is no guarantee that transference won’t occur. Some cognitive-behavioral therapists, in their efforts to focus on empirically-based treatments, simply ignore these feelings when they come up in the course of psychotherapy. Others downplay their importance.
Transference likely occurs because the therapeutic environment is generally seen as a safe, supportive and nurturing environment. Therapists are seen as accepting, positive influences in our lives, but sometimes also as authoritative guides. In these various roles, a therapist can inadvertently step into roles previously occupied in our lives by one of our parents. Or a client can become infatuated with the seemingly endless supply of wisdom and positive self-regard some therapists exude. The effects can be just as intoxicating as one’s first love. In this increasingly detached world, someone who spends nearly a full hour with our undivided attention may become quite godlike.
Therapists may also represent an individual in a person’s life that provided the unconditional acceptance (and perhaps love) that we all seek from important others in our life. Our mother. Our father. A sibling. A lover. A therapist doesn’t ask for a person to be anything other than themselves. And in the honest emotional environment that’s so often found in the best therapists’ office, it’s easy to idealize (and in some cases, idolize) the accepting, caring professional who sits across from us.
I Think I’m in Love! Now What?
So you feel like you’re in love with your therapist and while intellectually you may understand that this is just a normal process of psychotherapy for some, you still need to do something about it.
The first thing to understand is that this is not anything you should be ashamed or afraid of. This type of transference is not an uncommon feature of psychotherapy, and these kinds of feelings are not something you can simply just turn on and off at will. Having these feelings for your therapist is not “unprofessional” nor does it cross any kind of therapeutic boundaries.
Second, talk to your therapist. Okay, I know this is the hardest step, but it is also the most important. Your therapist should be experienced and trained in transference issues (yes, even the modern cognitive-behavioral therapists), and be able to talk to you about them in an open and accepting manner. As with most issues in therapy, bringing it out into the open and talking about it usually is sufficient to help most people in dealing with their feelings. Your therapist should also talk to you about ways you can better understand them in the context of your therapeutic relationship, family history and background, and what kinds of things you might be able to do to help and reduce their intensity.
Third, accept your feelings and continue in focusing on the reasons that brought you into therapy in the first place. For some people, this will be easy. Once they’ve discussed the issue with their therapist, they feel relieved — like a weight has been lifted off of their shoulders. For others, the process may be more difficult and require that some therapy time be spent further discussing these feelings with your therapist.
I should also note that if a therapist returns your feelings of love in any form whatsoever, it is a breach of the professional therapeutic relationship and ethics. Professional therapists are trained to cope with their own “counter-transference” issues, and in the U.S., a romantic relationship between a client and their therapist is considered unethical and verboten. You should consider ending your relationship with such a therapist and talking to your regional ethics board about filing a complaint.
“Falling in love” with your therapist is sometimes a normal process of psychotherapy. It only means that you’re feeling positive, intense feelings for another person who is helping you with important issues in your life. Do not run away from these feelings — or your therapist — in fear. Talk to your therapist about them, and chances are, it will help.
585 comments
Bonnie,
He was very understanding about it. He said that people were telling him the same thing. But it felt so good to be honest and it was the best session ever. I know the dressing up part was that other person living inside me that wants to seduce him. I’m losing weight and just trying to look pretty.
I know that is completely stupid. I know he will never stray or anything because he doesn’t want to lose his license. Plus he told me he’s 200 percent married. He told me this when I originally told him I had a crush on him.
If something ever did happen, you’re right that would be detrimental to me. I get so emotionally wrapped up in someone and when I get rejected, it’s so hard and I go into a deep depression.
“Jinx’d wake the hell up and stop what you’re doing.” I have to keep saying this over and over!
Bonnie, you should join the psych central message board. It’s great and has lots of subjects to look at. Plus Dr. John (the guy that wrote this article) comes on every few days to answer questions. It’s really cool. If you join, let me know and we can be pals.
Oh, I want to hug him so bad and thank him for a great session and helping me break though. Is that not acceptable? No touching of any kind?
Jinx’d,
I do the same thing. I lost 20 lbs. I’ve been exercising 6 days a week and counting my calories. I feel great. Just the process of taking care of myself is helping me feel better. I hugged my “T” twice. He was ok with it. I dont think a hug is wrong. I just asked first after session was over. But it sure is hard to let go once I am holding him.
Ok, so how do I join the central measage board? That sounds really cool.
Ok, guys. I don’t want to end up under attack from all of you, because your “support group” actually somewhat helped me in sorting my own situation and see what “went wrong” in my case, because I can compare what is going on during your sessions. But. Your “Transference club” sound to me more like an “Unhappily Married club”. Bonnie, don’t you think your head and your heart should be in one place to begin with?
Bonnie,
So when he gets back, should I ask him if I can hug him? God what if he say’s no, then I’ll be devastated! Oh jeez, I need to stop thinking about it so much.
Just go to the community, and get a username and you’re set to go. We’ll have to let each other know when we’re on so we can talk, etc.
Poo, maybe you’re right about the marriage thing, but I’m depressed now, so it might be the depression making things worse. I am working on my marriage with my “T”, but now I have to get my husband to try to work with me.
Last night was awful! I told him I needed him to be more part of my life and give me some attention. He agreed, but said no to marriage therapy. So now, everything is in his hands. Who knows, maybe he doesn’t want to be with me either?
Everything in his hands? Your husband hands? Everything is in your husband hands? Are you kidding me? No one should have that kind of power over anyone. Ever. Don’t you think it is your marriage making you depressed?
Poo,
You are absolutely correct. I am very unhappily married indeed. My hubbs used to be real abusive for the first 6 years of our marriage. We’ve been married for 7. We originally went to my “T” (which is also his and was his originally)for marriage counceling, but it wasn’t working out for me so I decided to see him seperately. My husband see’s him seperately too. It’s complicated, but my husband is bipolar and I dont know if he CAN change. He is trying and he is good to the kids so I stay with him for the kids, but I’m emotionally signed out.
I know nothing justifies my crush, but I guess I’m screwed up and I guess that’s why I’m in therapy.
Thanks for your bluntness. I like that.
Jinx’d,
What I did is ask him at the end of the session when we were both getting up and he was looking the other way, that way if he said no, I wouldn’t get so embarrassed.
Ok, talk to me like I’m 4. I still dont understand how this board thing works. I go to the community and ask for a password? will they know what I’m talking about?
That’s good you asked your husband for marriage counceling. He’s a fool to say no because you are obviously crying out for help. Will he be willing to read a marriage self help book?
Ok, Jinx’d and all who are reading, I’m a bit confused about my last session. My “T” spend half our session telling me how he is now a bachlor because his wife left him. When our session was over. I said, “I’m going to give you a hug”, and he said, “Ok”. I told him if he gets lonely to call me, and that he has me to lean on. He said “uhum”. I wasn’t sure if he was paying attention so as I was walking out the door I said, “you heard what I said, right?” and he said, “Yes”. Is something happening here? or is he blowing me off or ignoring me? I can’t stop thinking about what this might mean. I want him soooo bad.
Ok, Bonnie, then real question is not your crush on your therapist or your husband bahaviour, but wether YOU can deal with your husband possibly not being able to “change”. Period. It’s not about your husband or your therapist. It’s about what makes YOU miserable and if you’re willing to continue with YOUR misery. I come from a divorced parents and I strongly believe that sometimes divorce is the best option for all involved. Kids included. Unhappy marriages give a wrong ideas to young children about what is OK and what is not in a marriage, affecting them later in life and their own relationships with future husbands and wifes.
Poo,
I know that is true for couples who fight infront of thier kids. We try not to argue infront of the kids. Actually I play the happy house wife real well. I came from a divorced family too, and it killed me. I am all screwed up with men because I didn’t have my father there. I know sometimes it is a sacrifice to stay in a passionless marriage for the kids. Besides I do like my husband as a companion. I know it sounds nutty.
By the way, how safe is this website. I feel sometimes like I say too much. Maybe I should be more careful about what I say. Sometimes I’m afraid what I say will get tracked down.
I do not think it’s healthy for kids when parents don’t act loving towards each other. I am not talking about fighting in front of kids or any kind of abuse. I’ll get back to my listening mode for now. I am not a therapist, Bonnie.
Poo,
Married or not, I’m on this site because I’m having transference issues, not because I am having marital issues. I need support from those who are going through the same.
My kids are perfectly happy. Just because I am not inlove with my husband does not mean I am not loving towards him.
Hello Everyone,
Alot has happened I see these last few days..glad everyone is supporting one another. Bonnie, I see from your explination what you mean now. It just came up as part of the conversation but it`s still inappropriate though..don`t you think..anyway, I don`t have much to add..still in my happy place..best to all…DEE
Bonnie,
Go sign up at the community, you have to register first, they will send you a link, once you click on it, you can start setting up your profile, etc.
I’m a bit jealous at you and you “T”. Mine never mentions one thing about his life. I do think that your “T” is on a slipperly slope though. He should not be talking about his status to you. Think, what if he does call you? Are you ready for that step?
What if my “T” says no to my hug offer? I think I will be devastated! Oh well, I shall see how I feel in a month when he gets back.
Poo – it’s in his hands because I can’t do it alone. He doesn’t seem to want to try. He’s happy with it the way it is, but it isn’t a healthy relationship. I keep on trying to communicate and reconnect with him, but he’s not responding.
So, I’ll leave it at that.
Jinx’d,
I’ll try to sign up. I am so CONFUSED. I dont know if he is leaving the door open and waiting for me to make the move. I am so afraid to chase him away if I am too forward. I dont know if I just need to take it slow and wait for his wife to actually leave. I love him so much. Yes, I am ready for that step. I need him. The scariest thing for me is how long it will last. He talks about leaving one day, and just the thought of it kills me. I want to call him soooo bad right now, but maybe I should wait to be sure. I don’t know if I’m lucky or if it’s just all in my imagination.
Well, I think it would be messed up for your “T” to say no. It is ethically ok. Maybe if he says no, you can tell him it was not intended in a sexual way, just needed the comfort.
I wish my t had never involved me in his struggle; it would have been easier; 6 years later, I am still in love with him. Something happened between us last June that I still plan to talk to him about. He said he was “sorry he had indulged himself.” It wasn’t sex; more like foreplay. I know there are thousands of stories of people in love with their therapists. I am hoping some people here (Bonnie) will check out our site http://www.inlovewithyourtherapist.com and share your stories. I think this book will be a first, and I know the mental health community will NOT like it. I think this subject is a big secret. I am a member of the American Counseling Association, and attend the conventions, where there are over 500 presentations; not once has this subject come up. My t says he is “happily married.” I don’t get it; if I were in a loving relationship, I sure would NOT say and do the things my t has to me. Feel free to contact me: [email protected]
Hugs, Allison
Allison,
I checked out your website. I think it is awsome what you are doing. I dont think my “story” isn’t quite over yet. I kinda think it is just starting. Maybe I am crazy and it is all in my head, but I feel like something might be happening. What do you think? When I told him to call me if he gets lonely, he didn’t say no. What does that mean? It’s like a drug. You know it is wrong but you need it so bad. I love him so much I feel that even having him temporarly is better then not having him at all. I know it’s crazy. I’m a sucker for punishment.
Bonnie: You are not crazy. It sounds to me that your t (like mine) is in a struggle; they know all about the rules, ethics, regulations, and so on, but they are after all, human. I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse, and went to see my t beause my church was voting me out of membership (www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com); very long story; he (t) was my knight in shining armor. The first person in my life to stand up for me. He has tortured me (he said once, “I am killing you.’), teased and tormented me. I wrote him (years ago) classy, but erotic poetry. He has said (among 100’s of provocative things): “If I were not married I would probably go for it.” “You are in my heart and in my head.”
In relation to what you said (having him temporarily, etc); I told my t: I would rather be in pain WITH you that in pain without you. My co-author and I would love it if you would share your story as part of our book. There are thousands of women like us.
You are not crazy, simply in love, which feels like “crazy-making’ I call what my t does: come her, go away….I want you, I don’t….Now THAT is crazy-making! I have kept a record of all my t has said and done over the past 6 years; it alone, is a book! Write to me: [email protected]…..Hugs, Allison
Allison,
That is terrible what your “T” is doing to you. For 6 years? That is torture.
I think that I am reading into things. He could have just been acknowleding what I said and didn’t really mean to lead me on. He is just going through a real hard time in his life and I took advantage of that. It’s just a hump in the road and I think it will pass. Just wishful thinking in my part. I’m going to be a good girl and not say anything to him. It’s too hard to deal with.
I am currently in therapy for almost a year and in love with my therapist. I have been seeking support, literature, anything to try and cope with what can be a very lonely and heartbreaking place.
A friend of mine and I are working on co-authoring a book that I think could help countless numbers of men and women feel less alone in feelings of transference or simply deep engagement and attraction.
We are looking for your stories, anonymously of course, but the stories must be real and brutally honest.
We can be reached at either [email protected] or [email protected] or further, through our contact form on our website at http://www.inlovewithyourtherapist.com
I want to be clear that we are not looking to blast or condemn or put down these men or women who have genuinely helped us thru some tough issues – we love them as they love us – but it is a hard place to be in when you ride the wave of extreme elation the day you know you will see them, to such sadness when your time with them is up.
Our promise is that this book is to help, to let others know they are not alone as we all have stories, even our therapists, who also struggle with feelings for their clients.
We know it takes great courage to reach out to strangers essentially and share something so deeply personal – this is exactly how my friend and I felt when we met each other but we took the chance and the support has been something that is truly priceless.
Please consider emailing us with a way to reach you in person or using our form from our website and telling us your story.
You will not find judgment from us or advice, rather an understanding set of ears from two women who have probably felt and gone thru all the things you have been thru as well.
Yes, Bonnie: It is sheer, excruciating torture. He should have done his work invisibly……we both were in Hawaii for a conventin and he saw me FIVE time and didn’t speak. One of those silly rules…the clent has the right to privacy, and the t’s aren’t supposed to acknowledge you unless you acknowledge them first. Here we both are on teh other side of the world, and he didn’t even speak,….arrrghhhh.What happened between us last June was major, and I still intend to talk to him about it. Hugs, Allison
And why is it, Allison, you “intend” to talk to him about it, rather then “just talk to him” about it? Because it is non stop push and pull?
Poo: I don’t understand your comment. I am going to talk to him about what happened between us last June. I have an exquisite sense of timing, and decided to wait; stuff was too raw….
*Comforting* to know that I am not the only one having to deal with crazy therapist.
I hope your exquisite sense of timing, Allison, means you don’t see him anymore as a client.
Well, Poo: It is amusing….some rules he follows and some not (like seeing me in Hawaii 5 times and not speaking). I am sure he would follow (silly) the rule about not having a personal relationship with a former client for at least 2 years. he doesn’t know I cannot afford him (he doesn’t take insurance).
Years ago, he said: “isn’t enough that I LOVE you?” I am sure he would say he didn’t remember the “context” that is one of his favorites…he’d probably say like he loves ALL of his clients.
I have 5 years of verbal and physical foreplay to back myself up on…..picture this…..the room is dark with candles flickering; music playing (yes, that is the therapy room); it is like date night….I used to bring in food (4 course meals, LOL) candles and flowers and something to drink (non-alcoholic)…..Yes, he has played fast and loose with my emotions. Here he is married and I am divorced….uck…shame on him.
Allison,
I am glad you plan on talking to him. It’s hard for me to say much about it because I would be in your same shoes if given the opportunity. However, you “T” seems a bit disturbed in the head. I know that if I had an affair with mine that he would not be playing those mind games with me. Your “T” is sick. You should bring in a tape recorder and put it in your pocket. Just in case you need to use it in the future. When do you see him next?
Bonnie,
I would much rather be in your situation. You’ve received more of your “T” life than I ever have or will. I hate myself for feeling this way, but I’m geniunely jealous of your situation. Sure that is wrong on so many levels, but I wish for just a snippet of mine’s life. But no, he is happily married and would do nothing to jeopardize his wife nor his career.
That makes me sad and I wish I could just get over it. Tonight I met another “T”, but a female (group therapy) and I asked her if she would take on new clients. She say’s sure, but she doesn’t want to steal another therpist client’s while he’s on vacation.
If I don’t give over my transference soon, I’ll ask her to take me on, and explain the situation.
I wish all you ladies the best of luck.
Hi Jinx’d,
I’m kinda in an in between state–does he want me? Does he not? It is a very confusing and hard situation. It is making me go nutts. I think it is awsome that you are going to see a female therapist. I still want to do that on the side w/o my “T”‘s knowledge. You say you are jealous. I know what you mean. But I dont want to jump to conclusions yet. I feel like he is right at the edge of my finger tips. He can change his mind at anytime (if I ever was in his mind). Should I ask him? Should I seduce him? What should I do? I can’t stop thinking about him.
Jinx’d,
p.s. I know this is crazy, but I went to the store and bought a bunch of new clothe, including a sexy new braw. Am I nutty or what?
Bonnie,
You’re completely normal for the new clothing line… well that’s what I would do. Like I said before, I’m envious of your relationship with your “T”.
My female “T” is just group therapy, but if things don’t go better I will make the permanent change. She’s nice, but I also don’t feel the comfort level I do with him.
Please keep us informed!
Bonnie: My t isn’t “sick”—unfortunatey (for me!), he is struggling with his feelings, and confuses me by going back and forth. He has said: “I am torn,” etc., etc……He is the most brilliant man I have ever known; he plays the violin (symphony); has designed a telescope,the list goes on.
He has said “I am sorry I am inconsistent.” On my birthday I wore my cream-colored silk negligeee…..has spaghetti straps and looks like a dress…I have waist length hair and had it done in a french twist……I have always loved to dress up, and dress to the “nines’ when seeing him…he told me I always come in “pristine”—-if he only knew how long it took me to get that way, LOL,, LOL
As I had said my colleague and I are writing a book about people in love with their therapists; unfortunately some people are not safe to talk to about it, and are judgemental; last thing I (we) need!
The mental health community will not like it, probably!
Allison –
Brilliant…romantic/sensual?…interesting…insightful….unshallow…nurturing….in the helping profession… psychologically minded…artistic.. exploring your most intimate emotions, thoughts and fantasies together – and without judgement, but with intentions to help you become the best you can be…FWIW – WHO WOULD *NOT* FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR THERAPIST!!
I have been waiting for a man like this all my life! (too bad he is married-but lucky for her)
lol
okay-I didn’t read all the comments here, just two of your own, but this comment provoked me to respond.
I can’t say for sure what I would do if I were in your situation, because I am not and never have been, but in thinking of this, I believe I would not want to continue therapy with this person. It sounds torturous. Plus, it would more likely than not prevent me from getting involved in a (reciprocal) romantic relationship with a man. Maybe you have a bit of machosism (just guessing)?
And I do think – and this is not intended to be judgemental – that there is a sense of teasing on his part…and there are hints that he is having an emotional affair with you-he seems to be benefiting from treating you-indulging (this part may be unethical). This, if what you say is true (and I’m not doubting it isn’t-but we just don’t have his side of the story here), would not be a good thing to continue.
Good luck and best wishes to you!
“I have 5 years of verbal and physical foreplay to back myself up on…..picture this…..the room is dark with candles flickering; music playing (yes, that is the therapy room); it is like date night….I used to bring in food (4 course meals, LOL) candles and flowers and something to drink (non-alcoholic)…..He is the most brilliant man I have ever known; he plays the violin (symphony); has designed a telescope,the list goes on.”
Allison – forgot to mention, not too long ago, I read an article that discusses women (they emphasize middle-aged women though) and the possibility of therapy addiction. (Maybe it was at Psych Central?) I wish I could remember where I found it, sorry. But you could do some googling if you are interested.
This might not apply to you at all, but it might be worth exploring for your own benefit (or perhaps for others lurking here). The idea/theory of the article was that some women, instead of focusing on recipriocal relationships with partners “in real life”, choose to play them out by the means of intimacy, romantic feelings, fantasies, etc., with a male therapist.
This behavior can be a defense against pursuing IRL relationships – or it could be attributed to the fantasy and enjoyment of such a relationship. I believe the article said middle-aged women were more likely to do this. I can also see how someone lonely or craving love or attention from the opposite sex could use the therapeutic relationship to fulfill unmet needs – as opposed to healing in a manner that would encourage developing intimate relationships outside of therapy. Again, I am not saying this is you, but wanted to mention this in case you might relate, or if others reading could relate.
I can imagine this could apply to men w/female therapists as well, along with those who are gay, etc.
So I suppose my internal debate would be – is this healing or fulfilling unmet needs? If it is not healing, is it healthy for the patient to continue with this relationship?
I saw posts about the creation of this book on another mental health related forum. I don’t think people were being judgemental. I think they were just questioning the ethics of your therapist. Only my opinion.
I hope everything works out for you, and good luck with your book!
p.s. About the term “real relationship” – I don’t like to use that term because it is, in fact, a “real” relationship; however, it is one in which you cannot act upon in the same manner you could with a non-therapist partner-so it is not akin to the concept of a romantic relationship in real life/outside of a therapist’s office, and I cannot think of a more concrete phrase to use to describe or compare and contrast the two types of relationships.
hi.. all just a bit difficult at times. x K
My relationship with my t isn’t preventing me from having a relationship with another man (matter of fact, I thought I had met the “one” a few years back), and he disappeared without a word.
My t asked me if he was holding me back; I think that is ridiculous NO ONE and nothing has ever held me back from what I wanted to do or accomplish. He knows that all too well!
I live in a parallel world (as I told my t); one in which we meet–he considers me a colleague, etc……and the other in which I am in love with him. It is a fine, delicate line; but I have emanaged to “walk” it……even tho it is an excruciating situation.
I have two choices: Leave or stay with him. I see no point in leaving (I am not a masochist, LOL); as I told him: I would rather be in pain WITH you than be in pain WITHOUT you…..
He told me: Who WOULDN’T fall in love with you??!!
I endured a childhood of poverty (no phone, car, refrigerator, bathroom); 120-year old tenement house with cockroaches and rats, snow came in thru a crack in the wall; molested by a drunken neighbor; had my hand held over an open fire by another drunken neighbor, a single mother who was verbally and physically violent. I joined the army right out of high school and “married” the original abuser……31 years of abuse; divorced, then abuse by a church (www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com)
I’ve written a book of poetry and my memoir, am the moderator of an abused survivors’ group; won a women’s scholarship (not academic), but I wrote about my life; went back to school, joined the American Counseling Association (attended the last 3 conventions), published 3 times in a university journal, speaker on the radio re: my passion: getting message out about verbal abuse…..etc.
Trying to get on national tv….1 in 3 women are abused and every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted globally.
So you see…the hardships of life have pretty much prepared me….for more…..it isn’t easy (with my t), but it is…REAL.
There is so much happening here that I don’t even know how to comment..just enjoying all the information being shared..hope everyone is doing well. DEE
I’m coming back to this forum after so many months
(though I kept reading yr discussion) because I feel so absolutely desperate. My therapist told me I’m now ready to “walk alone” and I have only one meeting with him left. The problem is that I have been seeing it in a public structure, so I cannot insist too much on keeping seeing him, nor can I afford meeting him privately (or maybe I could do it very seldom).
Now, my seeing him has become my reason of life. I know this sound pathetic, but that’s the truth.
A few days ago my husband (with whom I have a very difficult relationship, always on the edge of divorce) asked me if I was still seing this therapist and, when I said I had only one meeting left, he told me “so he too is fed up with you”.
It was such a pain to hear this, because this is what I’m feeling deep in my heart: I feel let down.
I read Bonnie telling about her husband being bipolar. Also my husband suffers from this disease and, though now he is much better, I cannot forget the days when he seemed to have gone crazy and I’m too scared to accept trying to sort out the situation with him or trying to recover our marriage. Going back to my therapist, I already told him I’m afraid of being left alone, but I didn’t dare to tell him about the true reason. Pls consider that I am almost ten years older than him and this makes things even more ridiculous.
Do you think I should tell him how I really feel or just take this opportunity and hope that not seeing him anymore will finally “heal” me?
Every day I try to do my job, take care of my daughters, and be brave, but most time I just feel like crying. Last time I saw my T I was really sad and he looked at me in such a symphatetic way…nobody ever looked at my like that, though I know I’m just a part of his job.
Please forgive my mistakes, but english is not my mothertongue and then I’m so upset I can hardy think.
Monica,
Wow. It sounds like you are going through a lot. I am a bit concerned as to why your therapist can’t see that you are clearly not ready to be on your own. Do you not tell him about your pain? I think most people will tell you that telling him how you feel would be the best thing to do. I am not sure. I think it was a relieve for me when I told my “T”, but now I kinda regret it. I think you are definately not ready to venture on your own, considering your marriage situation. I know what you mean. Everyday I feel bad that I can’t stand my husband anymore. Divorce has been on my mind a lot.
I made a fool of myself this past week with my “T”. I actually tried to kiss him. He kinda panic’d. He got up and started pacing the room acting all nervous and telling me that he has worked so hard to get where he’s at and will not risk his career. I asked him if he likes me at all and he did not answer. He then said that if we both weren’t married and I wasn’t his client, things would be different. I’m not sure what he meant by that. I asked but he said, “things would just be different.” I asked him if he was going to transfer me, and he said no.
So, see Monica, things can get worse and pretty pathetic when we reveal our love for our “T”. Maybe if you tell him you need to work on your transference issues make sure you guys actually “deal” with the issue and then run in the other direction as fast as you can. As for my “T” he has moderately dealt with my transference issues. But I think it is hard for him because I believe there might be some co-transference going on. The last 2 sessions he has spent at least half our session talking about his problems.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
Jinx’d,
How are things going for you lately. How is group going? I went to the village to ask about the psych central and they didn’t know what I was talking about. I live in a small town, so I’m not sure if they have something like that here. I will try another place. Read above what I wrote to Monica. I a made an ass of myself last session. I dont know if I should go back. I’m so humiliated. I’m kinda angry at my “T” because I feel like he led me on. He is leaving in six months. When he told me this, I started crying and told him how I dont know what I’m going to do without him. When I looked up at him, he had a smile on his face, He kept saying, “well, it’s 6 months away.” Was he taking pleasure in my pain or in the fact that I am going to miss him so much? I said I dont want to lose him and he said that he still talks to his previous clients from time to time even after they are no longer his clients. That made me kinda jealous and kinda relieved. I asked him if this meant that we can still keep in contact when he’s gone and he said that it is totally up to me. That made me feel a bit better. But I know it wont be the same. I am grieving so bad. I even thought of suicide, but I would never do that, though it crossed my mind. I know that is pathetic. I feel like he told me that he is going to die in 6 months. He’s going to another state and I will probally never see him again. I feel like maybe I should start breaking the attachment now. I dont want it to hit me too hard when the time comes. He says I shouldn’t waist 6 months of therapy. I dont know what to do.
WHERE did you try to kiss him, silly?:) Can I ask about logistics?
I planned “an attack” on my T for months, but could not figure out a good corner or a wall to pin him down. There are too many windows and book shelfs. I don’t want to embarrass him in front of his co-workers ( if they could see ) and most definitely I want him to be …( clearing my throat )… comfortable.
Geez Bonnie..that is so huge…you tried to kiss him at work? Seriously, that is so over the top for me..I have no idea how to comment..I wouldn’t have the guts to do it, that is for sure..also, I’m not sure I really would want to..DEE
Bonnie,
how did you manage to kiss him, while he was sitting? At what angle? We want full description – your position, his position and so on.
Also, did any of you imagine if only for a moment that all of us seeing the same therapist? This vision really affect my transference.
People,
Please dont try it. It didn’t work. I screwed up big time and now I am suffering. I usually get a hug once in while when I ask for it. I gave him a hug and then tried. He rejected me and said that if we both weren’t married and I wasn’t his client things would be different. I asked him if he planned on transferring me and he said no. I called to apologize and told him I was just panicing because I realized I am losing him and that I know it was selfish of me. That was Wed. When he didn’t call, I called back today and his secretary told me that he is no longer taking my calls and that my appointments are cancelled.
I went into the office and opened his door. He told me that if I dont leave he would call the police. I said I just wanted and explanation and went to the reception area. I asked to talk to a supervisor or another councelor. They said that if I didn’t leave they would call the police. I was sobbing and told them that I felt suicidal. They told me to please leave. I’ve been thinking about how to kill myself. I dont think I will really do it, but I feel so ashamed and violated. How did things get so bad?! Why didn’t my “T” tell me or at least call me? I would have undrestood. But to be treated like a criminal and abandoned like yesterdays garbage, I just am dying inside. I’m so scared and lonely. I cried for 4 hours and now I am a bit numb. I am so angry inside. I feel like I was led on? Do I have a case here? where do i go to report him? HELP!!!! Can anyone make any sense out of this for me please?
ps. they cancel’d all my husbands appointments too. He is now asking questions as to what happened. I am so scared. if this gets out i am doomed. I mitice wll not live if my husband finds out.
Allison,
I am now ready to help you with this book. This kinda stuff needs to stop.
He messed with the wrong client, ladies. I am going to report him to the state Licensing Board. I tried to deal with this in a civil way, but if he is going to treat me like this then I have no remorse in showing him for who he really is—an unprofessional jerk! I am also going to file a grievance against the office. They denied me the right to see a supervisor or another therapist when I was sobbing and said I was suicidal. That is neglect and a big law suite. My “T” must think I’m a stupid little, ignorant girl. But I was raised by a single mother of 4 who taught me to never let anyone violate my rights. Any suggestions in the direction to make this process go quickly and smoothly? I am all ears.
Bonnie,
I personally think your complaint will not be taken seriously by license board. You will not be able to prove anything to anyone unless you are pregnant with his baby or have some “blue dress” ( Monica L ).
On another hand, from what I understand, your T will not be able to share any of it with your husband, but I could be wrong. I do not think your T was acting professional when sharing with you a fact that he is a new bachelor. I do question his ethics. Hard not to, after reading everything on this site and having my own experiences… This stuff probably more common in therapist office then we think. It’s clearly a cheep ego booster for a therapist. As long as he/she is walking that fine line…
Your therapist should have referred you to another therapist if he felt threatened by you.
Did your therapist make any advances toward you? Did he ever say anything provocative? Did he ever lead you on? Did he act unprofessionally? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you should by all means pursue this.
I think from what you describe here, your therapist is trying to protect himself.
Find yourself another therapist please, Bonnie, if you are feeling suicidal.
((((Bonnie))): What your t did was UNprofessional and UNETHICAL. A t is supposed to be trained to handle any situation. That was SO cruel. Yes, I hope you do go ahead and report him. He should have sat down with you and talked about what is going on.
PLEASE don’t commit suicide…that just punishes you. It is so darn scary; a therapist has so much power to hurt us. It didn’t matter if you stripped naked and went crazy, he STILL had an obligation to talk to you about what is going on and to NOT refer you out, or at least give you x amount of weeks to process things. That is the ETHICAL way it should be done.
E-mail me: [email protected] or go to our site: http://www.inlovewithyourtherapist.com, and click on (the e-mail) to suzette@yahoo, etc….I will respond. These stories (millions of women) need to be told.
Love and hugs, Allison
Everyone,
With all due respect..Bonnie..I do not want to upset you anyway, nor am I judging you, but I do believe that the situation has gotten out of hand. What did you expect was going to happen, when you just opended his door uninvited? His reaction to you comes from feeling threatened. Has everyone here on this blog forgotten that he is a human being like the rest of us? Allison, I am surprised by what you said, what is so unethical by what he did? What you are saying is that he should not have any personal boundaries. Obviously, Bonnie crossed them. I think you are all being to hasty in judgeing him..can you not see that he was caught off guard? Bonnie, I think that if you had just given him time to process what had happened then things might have been different, but you insisted on forcing him into making an immediate decision. Very few of us are capable of handeling such a thing, therapist or not. Your expectations of him are to high and you did not give him enough time to figure out the next step was.
With regards to reporting him: On what grounds? While it is important that we support on another on this blog, I also think it is important for us to not encourage behaviour such as this. Bonnie, you need help, this is clear. Please deal with the first issue on hand (yourself) before making any hasty decisions.. you need someone to help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings..it sounds like everything is all mixed into one now..suicide is not the answer as Allison mentioned..Perhaps you could admitt yourself to the hospital? Talk to your husband, hiding what happened only makes the situation worse..please everyone, let’s all just focus on getting Bonnie some help before we create that Army againgst the Doctor (T)..small steps..and Bonnie’s well being comes first. DEE
I’m not judging him at all. I asked those questions just so Bonnie could be clear on what actually transpired here. From what I’ve read I’m not sure that the therapist did anything wrong. He may not have handled this very well, and perhaps he should have referred Bonnie to another therapist, but it seems to me that he is trying to handle this ethically. He refused her advances and won’t see her any longer. this entire thing makes me feel symapthetic toward a therapist in this situation. A client makes an unwanted advance and then wants to report him. No wonder why Ts are scared of this.
Bonnie maybe step back and take a look at what really happened here.
Comments are closed.