“I think I’m in love with my therapist. What’s wrong with me? What should I do?”
It is not unusual to feel strong feelings of “love” or affinity toward your therapist. But those feelings probably aren’t what you think.
Psychodynamic theory suggests the reason that many people fall in love with their therapist is because they are repeating emotional patterns they experienced as children toward their parents. This behavior and set of feelings was first described by Sigmund Freud who coined the term “transference” to describe it. He discovered transference after noting this many of his mostly-female clients would start describing their own romantic feelings toward him. In some patients, the feelings were not romantic, but instead more childlike and Freud took on a parental role in the patient’s mind. It was as though Freud became their father figure, and the tempestuous relationship would then play out in his office.
Freud described this process over a hundred years ago, and therapists and their clients still deal with this issue even in modern psychotherapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy. Because the process itself is a very real possible side effect of psychotherapy, although it doesn’t happen to everyone in all therapeutic situations.
Why Does Transference Occur?
Nobody can say for certain why transference seems to be a process of many people’s psychotherapy, regardless of the actual background of the therapist or focus of therapy. Goal-focused, short-term psychotherapy is no guarantee that transference won’t occur. Some cognitive-behavioral therapists, in their efforts to focus on empirically-based treatments, simply ignore these feelings when they come up in the course of psychotherapy. Others downplay their importance.
Transference likely occurs because the therapeutic environment is generally seen as a safe, supportive and nurturing environment. Therapists are seen as accepting, positive influences in our lives, but sometimes also as authoritative guides. In these various roles, a therapist can inadvertently step into roles previously occupied in our lives by one of our parents. Or a client can become infatuated with the seemingly endless supply of wisdom and positive self-regard some therapists exude. The effects can be just as intoxicating as one’s first love. In this increasingly detached world, someone who spends nearly a full hour with our undivided attention may become quite godlike.
Therapists may also represent an individual in a person’s life that provided the unconditional acceptance (and perhaps love) that we all seek from important others in our life. Our mother. Our father. A sibling. A lover. A therapist doesn’t ask for a person to be anything other than themselves. And in the honest emotional environment that’s so often found in the best therapists’ office, it’s easy to idealize (and in some cases, idolize) the accepting, caring professional who sits across from us.
I Think I’m in Love! Now What?
So you feel like you’re in love with your therapist and while intellectually you may understand that this is just a normal process of psychotherapy for some, you still need to do something about it.
The first thing to understand is that this is not anything you should be ashamed or afraid of. This type of transference is not an uncommon feature of psychotherapy, and these kinds of feelings are not something you can simply just turn on and off at will. Having these feelings for your therapist is not “unprofessional” nor does it cross any kind of therapeutic boundaries.
Second, talk to your therapist. Okay, I know this is the hardest step, but it is also the most important. Your therapist should be experienced and trained in transference issues (yes, even the modern cognitive-behavioral therapists), and be able to talk to you about them in an open and accepting manner. As with most issues in therapy, bringing it out into the open and talking about it usually is sufficient to help most people in dealing with their feelings. Your therapist should also talk to you about ways you can better understand them in the context of your therapeutic relationship, family history and background, and what kinds of things you might be able to do to help and reduce their intensity.
Third, accept your feelings and continue in focusing on the reasons that brought you into therapy in the first place. For some people, this will be easy. Once they’ve discussed the issue with their therapist, they feel relieved — like a weight has been lifted off of their shoulders. For others, the process may be more difficult and require that some therapy time be spent further discussing these feelings with your therapist.
I should also note that if a therapist returns your feelings of love in any form whatsoever, it is a breach of the professional therapeutic relationship and ethics. Professional therapists are trained to cope with their own “counter-transference” issues, and in the U.S., a romantic relationship between a client and their therapist is considered unethical and verboten. You should consider ending your relationship with such a therapist and talking to your regional ethics board about filing a complaint.
“Falling in love” with your therapist is sometimes a normal process of psychotherapy. It only means that you’re feeling positive, intense feelings for another person who is helping you with important issues in your life. Do not run away from these feelings — or your therapist — in fear. Talk to your therapist about them, and chances are, it will help.
585 comments
Bonnie, you are so upset that you can’t tell ” Poor Little Therapist” was a sarcasm.
Doctor forget that they are doctors with us, patients. No wonder why we react the way we react. I can totally relate to what Bonnie shared about her appointments <> …Especially picking bleeding fingers and familiarity as “stop being in ass “.
For a year I went home thinking ” am I insane ? “.
what Bonnie shared about her visits somehow got deleted from my post – “He once was telling me about his marital problems and when I finally gave him advice (which was the only time), he was picking at his fingers the whole time and made them bleed. I told him to please stop doing that because it is making me nervous and he said, “Yeah, if you stop being an ass.†“
We need to support each other. The story I told was not the one that belongs here but with another therapist. That is how I know what you are going through and the torture. Abused we can survive; that is not what it is about. We cannot deal with this attention and all after the neglect we have experienced. We want it so badly, and more than anything, but we cannot handle it. It hurts too much.
I no longer have this problem now but we are always at risk, always. Unless maybe if we get cancer and it spreads all over to our brains, etc? That helps, and I am not kidding!
I feel so sad. I miss my “T” very much. I wish I never did what I did.
What is your husband saying about this whole thing, Bonnie? How it was explained to him?
Bonnie: I am so sorry. This is what happens when a therapist fails a client by doing what your t did. They should at least….”do no harm.” I kissed my t a few years ago, on the cheek. He didn’t have aproblem with it. As he said, it was a social kiss; no big deal. A t’s training should be that they know how to handle ANY situation; if they feel uncomfortable or don’t know what to do, they should consult with a colleague, and they should sit down with her and EXPLAIN it. They NEVER should abandon you without one word. That is unprofessional and UNethical. Unfortunately, when a t mishandles a situation, the client is the one who suffers.
The things your t said and did….shocking…to talk about suicide? He needs major therapy, but the screwed up t’s won’t get into therapy and will continue hurting others.
xoxo, Allison
I’ve read the entirety of the comments to this blog, there is a lot of pain, a lot of confusion and a lot of anger expressed here. This is usually what happens when boundaries are violated in the therapeutic space.
Upon commencing therapy, both the client and the therapist enter into a contract that prescribes certain roles for each. Not only does the client have to be able to trust that the therapist will exhibit professional and ethical behaviour in the therapeutic space, but the therapist must also be able to trust that the client will behave in a manner conducive to maintaing that therapeutic space as well. If either (or both) fails to honor the contract, the therapy fails and both parties spiral.
Entering into therapy does not remove the aspect of agency from the client – indeed not. The client is, and should be the most active participant in the therapy and engage with the therapist as a partner and facilitator in his/her own healing.
Both are responsible for the progress, or lack thereof of the therapy.
Hi Poo,
My husband doesn’t know the whole story. I did tell him some of the things that were going on and he was shocked. My husband is taking his Masters in Mental Health Counceling and is already seeing a client. All the “rules” are fresh in his head and everything I told him that my “T” said and did, he was shocked and said he could be in real trouble if he was reported. Of course I dont intend to do that. I told him that our “t” has a lot of problems going on in his life and couldn’t take the stress of dealing with our drama. He wasn’t happy how he handled it, but since my husband wasn’t attached to him, he has moves on pretty smoothly and has an appt with another therapist on Monday. Interesting enough, it is in the same place that our old t is in. That should be interesting. I’m not even allowed in that building, since I am such a ferocious criminal (sarcasm). It’s ok. I feel sad but a quiet peace and acceptance. It feels better then wanting him so bad and not knowing if there is a chance. Knowing that he is out of reach, I can move on and begin to heal.
Allison,
Thank you. I do pray that my “t” will go into therapy. For some reason, I’m sure this wasn’t easy for him either. I think his supervisor made the decision for him. It just really goes against his character. I guess he felt he had no choice. I forgive him. I could never stay angry with him for very long. I still love him very much and which him nothing but the best. I pray for him every day.
Anabet,
Thank you for your comment. I agree with most of what you said. I do believe that the “t” is more responsible then the client. The client is the one with the “problems”, mostly boundary problems.
((Bonnie)): You are a loving, sweet woman. I know the anguish you feel.
(Again, I repeat myself, LOL): E-mail me: [email protected]…..if you’d like to talk. There is nothing that will surprise or shock me….you can if you wish tell your story (anonymously, of course) for or book. There is a book “In Session” by Debra Lott(she has written to us and will be part of the book, hopefully). She interviewed women who had fallen in love and also….crossed the line. i intend to speak with her this evening.
Another good book: Sex in the Forbidden Zone by peter Rutter; it is a portrait of a therapist headed for sexual behavior or even sex. It is an amazing book; Rutter interviewed over 1,000 women.
xoxo, Allison
Bonnie, your soul is in the right place and that is the most important thing of all for our survival. Don’t let anyone dictate for you how to feel but trust your wise heart, as you are. As hard as it is, you will learn from this pain and I fully believe, even know, that agony and ecstasy go hand in hand. There is no joy without suffering and it’s not something you have to believe in anyway or think about; it’s more something your system will show you. (so don’t mind me) You have a lot of compassion and this will both hurt you and help you. I think you understand your t very well, and that is good. XXX Katrin
Sometimes we just have to know something just from our selves and on our own, and noone else can know what we know.
I find this board kind of funny. Many characters are odd. All those “XXX” and “OOO” and “LOL”… To me it looks as if one person taking many names and keep writing different posts. Allison with her insistence on sharing with her all your problems (anonymously, of course) without possibility of being judged… Allison’s potential book – also very “odd ” kind of “funny”. The most ironic thing of course is Bonnie’s husband who is bi-polar (abuser in his past), if I am not mistaking, and even Bonnie does not know if he will ever get better, will soon become another therapist. Blind leading a blind, indeed ( someone said it here already )
I’ve seen the plugs for the book on another board as well so I can’t help but to wonder what the motivation for that is all about…
Anyhow, Dr. Grohol set up a specific board for just this issue on the community message board. He’s mentioned possibly closing this thread. C’mon over to the boards, girls. Lots of wisdom and support there.
Poo, intensive psychotherapy is very dangerous, and no less risky than meds.
When the therapist has truly messed up to the max, even if his/her intentions were good, he/she will always dump the patient, always for his/her protection, and viciously.
It’s not a plan but all he/she can do to save his own butt.
All along the patient knows that something is seriously wrong but there is nothing they can do about it..nothing.
and Poo, to give you my personal feedback on the xxx, I really don’t know why I used it but there was no hidden agenda. I do this sometimes when I don’t know what else to say. (when cheers, or love, or take care, or best wishes all seem not right?)
And I do think you have some point about the different personalities showing up in this post, and those are not fake or made up but really different parts from the same person speaking. This whole discussion is about conflict, you know? Severe conflict! kat
Poo,
Yes, just another perfect example of the blind leading the blind. He (my hubbs) will one day be counceling various people and I hope that he knows better then my “t” then to tell them about our problems. It just goes to show how these therapists are just human and are everyday people. We sure make them out to be gods sometimes.
Allison, I emailed you.
THe purpose behind the book if you took the time to look at the link, is this is a way for clients involved with their therapists to tell their story (anonymously), because even in a group like this, many do still not understand. There is no hidden agenda. Debra Lott (author of “In Session”) is very supportive and agrees with our premise.
I do still not understand what did you just try to say, Allison. What exactly many in a group like this do still not understand?
Of course I could be wrong, Allison, but it seems like one possible motive behind the book might be to tear therapists down and I would never want to be a part of that. I sense anger within your posts…Forgive me if I’m off base with this. I certainly could be. I just wonder if you’d be interested in a very positive story such as mine. I still love my former T and hold that relationship as dear to my heart. He was 100% professional. It was a great struggle for me…a lot of pain…but what I discovered within myself in this has been very healing. I’ve never been angry about my feelings. I’m very protective of my feelings and of the memory of that relationship.
Okay, now I see the words “involved with the therapist”. I’m sorry. I think I understand better now. I was never involved with him. That would have been very, very wrong. I was just trying to understand and handle my feelings for him. My apologies.
I think what Allison is doing is great. I dont understand why people are not understanding that. It might not be for everyone. But I certainly would love to read a book out there about this kinda stuff.
I trusted him. He said he wouldn’t “dump†me. He said I would have to be the one to end it. He even said in our last session that he wouldn’t transfer me. I believed him. I know he felt he had to do it. But why no warning? It still hurts. My heart is heavy. He made me trust him. I’ve never trusted anyone like him. He made me open up to him like I’ve never have before. I invested so much of my emotional energy into therapy with him. How can he so coldly abandon me? He knew I had trust issues. I thought he was different. He broke that trust like everyone else has. He has caused me to lose all trust for therapists. It is scary the power they have over people. I miss him so much. I think of him every day. God is helping me. He is the only one I can trust. There was sooo much I had to say to him. I was ready to open up even more. There is so much unresolved issues I needed to talk to him about. None of my friends understand how this feels. Everyone just expects me to move on like nothing happened. And outwardly I have. But inside I am crying. Inside part of me has died. My ability to trust has died. I just need to know things are alright with us right now. He disdains me. Was I so horrible. It hurts so bad.
Give it time, Bonnie, it will take time to get over the worst of the hurt. How would it feel like being your own best friend and resting yourself more than anyone? I don’t trust myself completely in every respect but that is not necessary to be and feel all trusting; it’s more about understanding and knowing your trust level. You will trust again, and you will get hurt again, but it won’t be this horrible again. Also, give him time, Bonnie. Yes, he treated you horribly, but he did not do this on purpose, he is just human and nobody is a perfect therapist or person. It does not surprise me that you have had similar experiences before. Some education does not make a person better. no therapist is a better father or mother or friend than just anyone else who does not know the first thing about psychology. The best parents are those who had good parents themselves and the same is true for the marriages their parents had. he is and he was just a man and in this field it just makes him so much worse for it considering the power he takes and abuses, even if the intentions are good. Good intentions do just as much harm as bad ones. But you also cannot be sure that he will not come around, and will learn from this, and maybe even care enough and have the strength at some point to contact you and really care to know how you are doing. if something like this should happen, and we don’t know that, but it did happen with me and a therapist, it is so much better to be equals and no longer in this damn dependency and fake position. With my guy we have been writing on and off, and we both talk about real stuff. Like, he may suggest a book that he thought was good and I will read it and tell that I didn’t like it for such and such a reason and then he will acknowledge that he never thought about such, and just relaxed and equal and ‘real’. It’;s a relief for both of us to have the pressure off. I even called him at home for the very first time ever because i had something really important to say, and that was after he called me because I needed his help with SS disability stuff. Nothing new has been stirred up, and this feels very natural and nice. It was not a horrible crime anyway that happened, most things that hurt like hell are not anyway most often. With real crimes it’s so much easier because it’s so obvious who your enemy is, and they cannot hurt you on a soul level to the extreme as you are now feeling. I know it all feels hopeless and horrible right now but just don’t have any expectations one way or the other, just trust yourself and really become best friends with you. And then like what you are doing here, this sort of outlet and tqalking to strangers who are not really strangers helps a lot, because in some ways over the internet we can skip the formalities and be honest much more readily, and it’s really easy to meet good people who give you something, some mopre, others less. you will and can never get everything from one person anyway, and that is part of why these ‘secretly intimate and really fake relationships’ are so dangerous; they do not see enough light on the outside and they are not really real.
((Beth)) That is okay; sometimes reading words, without the face to face, inflection, etc….can be misunderstood.
My co-author and I simply want to tell people’s stories…perhaps it might be healing to do so for people who don’t feel they have a voice. We don’t want to “tear therapists down’—our focus is on the client who was/still is in a romantic or love relationship with a t. Their stories are what counts. The first person we heard from…was a man who was in love with his t. I think men are more hesitant than women to talk about this painful subject.
Allison
Katrin,
Thank you for the encouragement. I could only dream that one day he and I will be able to communicate. I guess the hardest part is wondering if he is angry with me. He looked upset at me on our last session. And him calling the cops when I barged in his office. I told his supervisor to tell him how sorry I am about these things, but I of course never got an answer back from my “T”. So I guess it all ended so ugly. No goodbye, goodluck on your journey kinda stuff. On our last session, before I blew it, I asked him if we could still keep in contact when he moves and he said, “It’s up to you, dear.” And then I went off and blew it!!!!!!! I’m so mad at myself. I blew the only chance of ever having him in my life. In one moment I lost it all. I hope you’re right and he comes around when things cool off. I dont know if he’s allowed to though. The letter from his supervisor said that we are to have no contact at all. 🙁
I promise that I came here to offer support to others. Sometimes I just say the wrong things, but I really never ever mean any harm.
Bonnie, I can’t even begin to imagine the experience of a such a painful ending to your relationship with your T. It’s so hard when you open your heart and something like this happens. I hope, in time, you may be able to mend things a bit with him. Are you getting any support at home?
Beth,
My husband has been real supportive about letting me ramble on. But I have to be careful with him because he does not know the whole story. He does not know I am in love with my former “T”. I am looking into maybe seeing a female therapist for a bit. but only temporary. Just to help me over this hump. I have even a harder time trusting women because I had a terrible relationship with my mother. I dont want to get too attached to any therapist anymore anyway.
Jinx’d,
Haven’t heard from you in a while. How are things going for you? How are you hanging in there with your “t” being gone? Hows group?
Bonnie, and trust yourself on that. you may or may not get professional help with this, but you will be so much better off without individual therapy. You will become stronger and feel much more free and in control/
I have really come to learn and from experience that the best therapists, and I really mean the best you will be able to find, are not therapists at all.
They have helped me so much, and I have also discovered that people who I would normally never trust or confide in, or who are not even in the helping profession, or democrats, or whatever..just those not on my list…have turned out to be/become the biggest, most ‘incredible’ real surprises for me, and it has completely changed my former beliefs and views.
Stay away from therapists here on the Internet; they are the worst and cannot handle anything!
Also consider a group. it’s hard to find a good group but if you find one, it’s perfect.
KAT
Thanx Kat.
I am not a group person at all. I probally will just see a female therapist to help me for a bit and then just go solo. People are just too imperfect and we cant help but have our emotions get in the way. I’ve had great friends screw me over, even a pastor, and now throw in a “t”. It’s just too much for me to handle. I’m real glad I found this website. I feel I can talk freely and I get so many different points of view. Therapy should be supervised. Why in the world do they put so much trust in 1 person to sit in a room unsupervised talking and controling all kinds of vulnerable people’s lives? it doesnt see effective.
Bonnie,
He’s still on vacation, but back next week. I thought that whole “out of sight, out of mind” thing would work, but it doesn’t. I still think about him all the time and wonder what he has been doing.
I have to be honest and tell him about how I’m feeling or I’ll never get past this. After reading what happened to you, maybe I should just find a female therapist? I don’t need any additional troubles in my life, and desiring a man that I can never have is definitely unhealthy.
I’ll keep you posted.
It may be unhealthy, jinx’d, but it also says something very important. Maybe a wish for what you know is unavailable might possibly mask a fear of closeness in your other relationships.
It’s true that there are a lot of therapists out there that aren’t very effective…and there are even some unethical and unprofessional ones who likely inflict some real damage on their vulnerable clients…but there are some very good ones out there as well. I was fortunate enough to find one.
There really is a lot of support on the boards. I hope that you will consider coming over.
Jinx’d,
I’m not much of an optimist these days when it comes to therapy. I think getting yourself a female one would do you good in the long run. But first talk to him about exactly how your feeling. He sounds more responsible then mine. Just dont go do anything stupid like I did. 😉
Beth, are you Dr.Grohol him self or his little helper?
I can’t figure out why would someone like you continue to post here. You seem to have “no real problems” in regard to being in love with your therapist, no? I mean, you seem to be able to figure it all out or almost. Maybe. Maybe Jinx interest in her therapist is indeed a masked fear of closeness. What are the real chances it is? I’m not buying the transference theory being sold.
I don’t feel you did anything stupid, Bonnie. The guy was leading you on, so you kissed him. That’s all. He also happened to be your therapist. He did not do it because he thought you could have something potential. He did not do it to tempt you, so you could possibly rethink your situation and might consider, what seem to me at least a healthy option, a divorce. He did it to boost his ego. Once he got his ego boost, he got a case of ice feet. It happens a lot in life without therapy being in a picture. Can you imagine that he sits there in his office 10 hours per day and have no one to flirt with? There is no one to adore his “poor little thing” and stuff at home isn’t going that great either.
I just can’t stand that someone ( therapist’s community?) force the transference to be an answer for everything, everyone and every possible situation. That is avoiding an answer. That is saying nothing at all, while staying clinical and totally politically correct.
I struggled a great deal after leaving therapy. I was only trying to be helpful. Best of luck, ladies.
Poo,
What’s up with your comment? I think Beth made a valid point and she did go through this you know..just because she’s not going through it now doesn’t mean she can’t contribute..Sheez.
Thanks, Dee. I feel like I keep messing up here.
I really have wanted to be helpful. 🙁
Beth,
Dont worry. I enjoy your input. That’s whats so neat about being in this website, you get all kinds of different points of view.
Poo,
I agree with you about the ego thing. He was definately flirting with the idea of it anyhow. Wednesdays are hard! These are the days I would see him. I go to the gym mon-fridays. His office is a couple min from my gym. It is so tempting to drive by and see if his car is there. Just to even get a glimpse of his car. but I dont want to fuel the whole stalking thing. I want closure so bad. I dont understand why I had to be deprived of that.
Take care Beth, your views and assistance have been fantastic. You sound like a strong person, have got a lot out of your input. Keep your contributions up if you wish, xxxx K
Gosh, there is nothing wrong with my comment, Dee. Suddenly Beth refers to “Ladies”, instead of addressing me directly and everyone is on a defensive. I never said she can not “contribute “. I’m not exactly in position ( don’t know why I’m getting again this feeling that there are much less people here, then actual names ). I’m saying that from post to post Beth’s positivity about her wonderful experience with her therapist is slightly irritating. And Oh, Beth’s sensitivities:” So long , ladies. I am too offended “. Dear Beth, it’s Internet. There are all sorts of wacky people, like my self. There are also all sort of things I personally dislike. I can’t stand LOLs and all those XOXOs – I am not showing to you my emotional trauma caused by it, do I? Chill, Beth. Really.
Therapy is clearly an area which is not easily regulated or can be well supervised and more often than not a therapist would not come forward and admit any wrong doing ( from my experience at least. after reading some comments on this site it’s obvious that I am not alone ).What is appropriate to one, might not be appropriate at all to another and so on. I have to agree that often fragile patient does not have much of a voice. What happened to Bonnie is ugly. Not to say Bonnie is not ugly her self – kissing one guy while being married to another – how do we call it out of therapy office? That’s a joke, “Ladies”.
Poo’s just trying to keep it real. She is who she is. I was offended by some people here too when I first told about how my therapist terminated me. Some were real supportive and some didn’t get it. But then I remember that we are all in counceling for a reason. We all have issues. So we’re all just broken people writing out our thoughts and opinions. I cant expect everyone to understand me, that’s for sure. And that’s ok. These are just tid bits anyhow, no one really know our “whole” story. By the way, I got my “t” a thanks giving card and a closure letter inside. I wasn’t attacking him in anyway. Just my way of saying goodbye. I really hope he reads it and not throws it away.
Poo, I really meant good luck to everyone. I said “ladies” because I wanted to include my best wishes for all of you.
I was wrong in what I posted after what happened with you, Bonnie, after I’m so very sorry about that.
I was never offended or angry by what you said, Poo. My feelings were just hurt. I confess to being fairly thin-skinned. I felt not wanted and unable to help, which are past issues of mine.
I never meant to irritate anyone with my positivity. It’s my general demeanor and I suppose it can be irritating at times.
I’m honestly a very mellow person. That’s why I knew that my reaction to Bonnie’s situation had more to do with me (and some past issue of mine) than her because it was just so unlike me.
I’m really sorry.
I just want to add that I’m a very real person and can be found as “Brightheart” on the boards.
Poo,
Just because it’s the Internet, doesn’t give you the right to talk to people the way you do. It borders on rudeness. You say you hate all the LOL and XOX0’s, well I dislike your insensitivity. Instead of just focusing on the issue people are discussing, you choose to make jabs at people for their interpretations. It’s ridiculous already, not to mention childish. I thought we were all here to discuss the one thing we all have in common..instead I am hearing things like “Chill Beth really…” what is that? The focus of this group is offically over I think.
Poo, “LOL” Lots Of Luck K
Did I do the right thing by sending my “t” a Thanksgiving card? I hope he doesn’t throw it away. I just want to make amends. I think of him everyday. When will the pain go away.
Bonnie, I’m sorry that you are hurting. : ( You can PM me if you want to talk.
Beth,
Thank you. I actually am starting to feel more at peace. Even if he never responds to my letter. I now have closure. I miss him a lot, but it isn’t as desperate. I know what you mean about that now, Dee.
Good to hear Bonnie..one day at a time..seriously, it gets better. DEE
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