Life is Unfair. Now What?

Maybe those clients and patients in our offices talking about the unfairness of life are implicitly asking another question, and by asking that question they are looking for our understanding and guidance.

Here’s the question from their point of view:

If life is by its own nature unfair, then why should I play fair?

It’s not such a simple question, since not playing fair is what always leads to the Tragedy of the Commons. What’s forgotten too often is that the first person to trigger the tragedy, to not play fair, tends to come out ahead in the calculus.

There are myriad opportunities in life not to play fair. In one’s work, with school, with one’s spouse, with … well, you see what I mean.

How does one counsel a client to play fair in an unfair world? (I’m mostly not talking about a world where a disease like ALS unfairly takes people in the prime of their life, or a tornado levels House A and leaves House B untouched. I’m talking about a world where people are unfairly cruel to others, exploit others, hurt others, and treat others like chattel.)

And the larger question is, should one?

TPG just tell your clients we aren’t in 5th grade. “playing unfair” by means of breaking the law, rules, or simply being malicious just to “even things out” with a world that has treated them unfairly is simply infantile behavior. If they are thinking of behaving that way just for the sake of getting even then well..I am glad they are in therapy!

Everybody gets one life and it is up to them to make the best of it. We all have choices and we all get to make those choices when thinking with a sound and clear mind. Those who can’t do it on their own need help and guidance and should seek that help whether it be friends, family or therapy. For those that have the sound mind and think that life in general is unfair, isn’t seeing the whole picture. Life is what you make of it, find new friends, get a better job, go to school at night, find a way and create a better life for yourself. If you’re not willing to do it, then who’s going to do it? If life is so unfair, then motivate yourself to make it better.

Kenneth, what exactly does “Get over yourself” mean?

I hope you’re not a professional therapist, with that total lack of compassion.

life is very unfair on me nothing ever goes right for me no matter how hard i try.i spend my whole life out cast at school no body wanted to play with me.no body wanted sit with me at school .i was blamed in the wrong for others,every single exam i studied for i failed it wasn,t from the lack of study.i have learning difficulty as well.every guy i have like has rejected me and treated me like dirt,i was threaten even attack at one stage.i have no friends to speak of not even one.i applied for jobs no one would give me.i never had boyfriend once in my life and i never got my first kiss either.i was bullied constantly at school even my first day i was called names .i never travelled i live on the social welfare.living at home in my 30s with no job,no boyfriend,no collage degree,no friend,no car,no social life.i found 12 snow white hairs in my head already

the bullies who made my life misery are miles better off then i am.

NOW THATS UNFAIR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My father is addicted to crack cocaine, and was extremely violent during the first few years of my life (after which, my mother promptly sought divorce). My mother loves me terribly, and would do anything to help me; but struggles with day-to-day life, often leaving me as the emotional support. I was raped for seven years during my childhood, and told nobody during that time – when I finally did come out, to a school social worker nonetheless, I was told (by the social worker) that I must have “wanted it”. I’ve been severely bullied – emotionally, psychologically and physically – all my life. Mental illness has caused me to struggle through things that would otherwise be easy, and has often limited my potential.

Do I often think about what life would have been like, had it not been for everything? Have I often cried, screamed, raged and broken down about it? Have I said some of those same things you quote, and compare to child-like behavior? Yes, I certainly have; but not out of pity, or feeling sorry for myself. Nor is it because I believe I am entitled, or special and should have the world work my way all the time. I know that the world isn’t fair, and I know that the best I can do is take what I have, trudge forward and work through the mazes of life as they are now. Of course, I know that. And that is why I found this article incredibly insensitive, and rather unthoughtful.

Yet, if I know all of those things, then why do I still think that way, or sometimes break down over it – in anger, frustration and sorrow? Yes, it’s a cognitive distortion; but it comes from a place far more complex than that. As, when I say those things, it is not whining or some regression to child-like behavior – it is greif. There have been things that have happened to me that are painful, horrific, traumatizing and life-altering. They have stolen things from me, made things harder and creating damage that, to some extent, will likely always be there. That’s not pity: that’s simply reality. So, when I say “life isn’t fair!” or “things would have been so different!” it is not entitlement or immaturity speaking – it is greif. Grief, and the events that led to it, needs to be processed, worked through and screamed and cried and raged about. It needs to be released into the air, and the hole it left filled with something new. The weight it crushed me under lifted. This needs to happen for acceptance to happen. For peace to happen. It needs to happen before those pesky cognitive distortions can be worked out, if they’re left at all. It needs to happen before I can look back on something, and learn from it. Or find something good out of it. I need that time to scream – or, as you see it, whine like a child. Not to the point it takes over my life, and not without the active goal of working past it, of course; but, for that 45 minutes I sit with my therapist, I need to be able to simply scream, and cry, and grieve for some of it. Then, once it’s been dished out, we can work on spinning it into something new. Something that doesn’t look as ugly.

I hope that, when your patients come to you with these needs, you don’t tell them you’re acting childish. Keep things structured and goals in mind, yes; but respect the greif, and help them process it, feel it and accept it. Then bring up cognitive distortions, learning something and moving forward in life.

Erika

Kenneth: That attitude, even if you believe it does not help anyone in any way. The whole purpose of having a discussion like this is to HELP people deal with life adversities. You saying “Noone cares if you commit suicide anyway!” is pointless, and helps noone.

There’s no easy answer to address the unfairness of life. It’s easy, as a third party to tell someone “Get over it”, or “Just accept it”, when you aren’t experiencing the sufferings of the other person. Yes, we can have empathy and compassion, but at the end of the day, it’s the OTHER person who is alone, in the middle of the night, that still faces their problem with anxiety, emotional pain, and fear… Not you.

i liked that and life is always going to be unfair so u got to accept the facts

As a guy who has worked hard, raised a family only to have his wife diagnosed with a terminal disease, I often ask myself about the fairness of life……overall, I cannot answer nor comment on life’s fairness because ultimately life is life and fairness fades away with the terrestrial activities of daily living……over the summer I came across a saying that sums up life, “failure and success are not arrival points”….. If you base your life on the next mountain you successfully climb, you will be more disappointed than others….. Failure/ success, fair/unfair , shit/ bullshit…… Just keep moving forward till the tide changes

Life is unfair. In 25 years, ive been hit by a speeding car, done an 11 year court case, raped in Africa and had a second haemmorage.
From the car crash I have 3 neurological disabilities (epilepsy, memory impairment and learning difficulties). I had to do an 11 year court case.
When I was 20 (just after case ended) I went on holiday to Africa on a tour. On the final night, I was raped by the tour guide.
Then when I was 25, the 0.003% risk of a haemmorage happened when I had surgery for epilepsy (which hasnt stopped seizures). The neurosurgeon had done over 200, and it’d never happened before. Im now even more overprotected.
Many people would say ‘yes, but your lucky to be alive. Its unfair for those who havent’. I understand that, but why does this happen to me and not others? (I never want anyone to be hurt). I’m an innocent woman.