Mental Illness Cured

After working on these issues for the past 150 years, Psych Central is pleased to announce a final, simple cure for mental illness.

“Yes, it’s been a long-time in the making, but we finally figured out how to cure mental illness,” said Founder and CEO of Psych Central, Dr. John Grohol. “The final push came 6 months ago, when we realized we had not only discovered the single mental illness gene, but how to deactivate it with simple products found in most people’s homes.”

The cure comes on the heels of over 150 years of mental illness being recognized as something needing treatment. Serious mental disorders — things such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, anxiety and panic, ADHD — have long had a significant, negative impact in people’s lives. Hundreds of millions of dollars have been spent on researchers in pursuing treatments for them.

Psych Central has been an innovator at the forefront of mental health research for most of that time. Begun in 1860 as a network of tin cans connected via baling wire, researchers at the Psych Central Institute learned pretty quickly that a lot more cans would be needed to meet the needs of a growing population interested in learning more about mental health concerns. The cans were procured after the world’s largest bean eating contest at that year’s World’s Fair.

In the early 1900s, Psych Central began expanding its online tin can efforts to work on treatments for mental illness. Portable couches were developed and delivered into individuals’ homes in order to help the cutting edge treatment — Freudian psychoanalysis — make inroads. However, during the Great Depression, the couches were broken up and used for firewood. A new approach would be needed.

“This was a turning point in our efforts. We knew relying on the old approaches to treatment would no longer work.”

Starting in the 1940s and carrying into the 1950s, Psych Central researchers were responsible for the first computing devices that would patiently listen to rats and give them positive reinforcement for engaging in epic battles of strength and squeakiness.

“The knowledge we gained from these rat studies paved the way to develop the Internet. We couldn’t have done it without Nibbles and Mr. Squeak.”

In the 1960s, Psych Central researchers connected two of these computers together and let rats send email to one another. Reportedly the first email sent was, “Have you found any food over there?” These rat studies were the important first steps to understand how humans might also use interconnected computers to better their mental health.

“The rest is well-known history. Remember, before Google, there was our search engine, Grohoogle. It may have not been as successful, but it was definitely unique. And it left a strange after-taste in your mouth. We’re still not sure how we accomplished that.”

The cure for mental illness involves a patented formula of orange juice infused with electricity and proton matter from human hair. It is now undergoing FDA clinical trials. “As soon as we have enough money to pay the ghostwriters, we’ll have these results typed up and submitted for peer-review in a journal like JAMA. In fact, JAMA already accepted the paper, we just have to write it.”

Who’s involved in the research?

“We haven’t yet found the researchers willing to accept our lowball offers. If you know anyone who is willing to be paid in promotional pens and t-shirts, please have them contact us.”