Early last year, Phoebe Prince — a 15 year old who had recently moved to the U.S. from Ireland — committed suicide after relentless bullying by her schoolmates. Three 16-year-old girls — Ashley Longe, Flannery Mullins and Sharon Chanon Velazquez — were charged as youthful offenders with felonies including violation of civil rights, while three other students — Sean Mulveyhill, 17, Kayla Narey, 17, and Austin Renaud, 18 — were charged as adults in the incident. All the cases were settled with only probation for the accused, except for Renaud, whose charge of statutory rape was dropped entirely.
It’s important to remind people of the perpetrators of the bullying in this case, because that is one simple way to stop bullying. Show people that bullying has life-long consequences that will follow you forever, especially when such bullying leads a person to such hopelessness that they believe the only way out is to take their own lives.
In Massachusetts, this tragedy led to the passing of an anti-bullying law that supposedly made schools safer and put an end to the worst cases of bullying. (We don’t know how effective it is, as I couldn’t find any outcome data associated with the new law.)
Sadly, apparently the rest of the country hasn’t gotten the message yet. Word out of Ridge Farm, Illinois yesterday was that a 10-year-old Irish American girl named Ashlynn Conner apparently committed suicide last week due to relentless bullying from schoolmates.
Worse yet — Illinois has had an anti-bullying law on the books since 2001.
Ashlynn’s mom, Stacy Conner, spoke out about the incident:
“They’d call her a slut,” said a tearful Conner,” Stacy Conner told the TV station. “Ashlynn’s ugly. She’s fat.”
Just last Thursday Ashlynn asked her mother to remove her from the fifth grade at Ridge Farm Elementary and home school her. Single mum Stacy said she would discuss it with the principal on Monday and less than 24 hours later, Ashlynn’s sister Michaila found her dead in a closet.
“The taunting has been happening for years, I didn’t know what to do. We had spoken about bullying but she never told her how bad it was.
“I thought my kids were strong. That my words to them for guidance and advice would have more weight than what these kids were saying. I was wrong.”
Here’s what Dr. Claire McCarthy had to say about bullying in Massachusetts:
Maybe the most important thing we’ve done — or, rather, that Phoebe has done — is raise awareness of bullying. People are talking about it. Antennae are up. Teachers are watching, parents are asking questions, doctors are asking questions. Children are beginning to understand that they can do something when they’re being bullied — or when they see bullying happening. […]
Bullying is something we need to take seriously, because it can have long-lasting effects on both the victim and the bully. In fact, in 2001 the American Medical Association recognized bullying as a public health problem. It’s linked to mental health problems, school failure, substance abuse and even future criminal behavior. This isn’t just about schoolyard fights. This is about the future of our children.
Dr. Peter Raffalli, a neurologist at Children’s Hospital Boston, has these suggestions for parents about bullying (courtesy of Dr. McCarthy):
- If you notice a change in your child’s behavior — such as moodiness, trouble sleeping, or a drop in grades — think of bullying as a possible cause.
- When asking your child about bullying, don’t forget to ask about cyberbullying.
- If you have young children, get involved with their Internet life early, and stay involved. Waiting until middle school is too late — by then, your child may see it as an invasion of privacy.
- Make sure your child knows that bullying is never the victim’s fault.
- If your child is being bullied at school, work with the school to get as much information as you can about the bullying. The more they know, the more they can help. Make sure the school assigns a “safe adult” for your child, someone confidential they can turn to — and make sure you know what the school is doing to keep your child safe.
Obviously, bullying won’t go away just because some old white men in your state’s legislature decide to pass a new law. Laws are nothing without enforcement, and a dedicated effort to put the law into meaningful use with constant continuing education and reminders about the impact of bullying.
We don’t just need more awareness among adults — we need teens to know that when you are bullied, you can get help. There are answers. There can be an end to the bullying that doesn’t mean the end of your life.
What to Do When You’re Bullied
I know sometimes a situation can seem hopeless — like there’s no way out. I’m telling you, if you’re being bullied or know someone who is, there is a way out.
You have to be strong, however, and realize that one of the main reasons bullies continue to bully is because of the reinforcement they get for doing so. When you respond to bullying with any action other than walking away, you’re unintentionally reinforcing the bullying. If you need to, go find a safe place to hang out for awhile, whether it’s a teacher’s classroom, the library, or somewhere else in school that is your go-to hangout.
Sometimes, you can’t walk away. Maybe the bully is physically assaulting you. Protect yourself until you can get away, then tell an adult that can take action and that you trust — like a guidance counselor, a school psychologist or nurse, a teacher, an assistant principal or the principal, or even your mom or dad (or a friend’s mom or dad, if that’s easier). Once adults know about the bullying, they should be able to step in and take action to stop the other kid(s) from bullying.
If that only makes the bullying worse (as in some cases, it can), you need to once again tell the same adults, and let them know the situation has escalated. Emphasize the seriousness of the situation, and how it’s really stressing you our and making you feel. Be honest, and I know this is hard — be open. Let someone know how you’re really feeling about all this. (I suspect one of the reasons for suicide after severe bullying is because no one really knew how bad the situation was for the teen.)
There is often safety in numbers, so stay with your group of friends as much as possible. If you’re a loner, well, you can always change that by becoming a little bit less of a loner and finding some school-based activities that put you in the presence of others with similar attitudes and interests. Remember, you are not set in stone just because of a way you’ve behaved or acted before today — you can always change, adopt a new attitude, or pursue a new interest.
Our hearts go out to the Conner family over this tragedy. I hope it serves as a reminder of the serious consequences bullying can have, even if nothing was “meant” by it.
Read the full story: Irish American girl commits suicide in repeat of Phoebe Prince storyline
Learn more about bullying: Stop Bullying Now government website
16 comments
“If you’re a loner, well, you can always change that by becoming a little bit less of a loner and finding some school-based activities that put you in the presence of others with similar attitudes and interests”
This is interesting, because I have social anxiety disorder, and being a person who was bullied at this age, others did not like me because I did not talk a lot, or enough for them amongst other things that I realize now were very stupid reasons. It started early because I went to elementary school with most of the kids up into the last year of high school. So early on I was already pinned down by kids that I was too shy or too weird (for stupid reasons I realize). I tried to commit suicide when I was 13 and 15 because I couldn’t take school overall, which included the kids.
Teachers did little to nothing because I wasn’t getting physically beat up.
I was never physically beat up but the verbal abuse and taunting was horrid to me that it drove me, at those ages, to want to commit suicide. Even at those ages I was in awe that the teachers did nothing because they preached safety at school assemblies. I even went to the dean at three different schools in different grades only to come back week after week and learn that they either havent gotten my file yet or theres not much they can do, because I had no bruises. They would say to come back if it happened again? It was terrible. I eventually started skipping class in 11th and 12th grade.
The bullies in middle school would often wait by a door, OPENLY, to see if I would go into a teachers office alone, to see if I would report them, too. If I did, I would get more verbal abuse.
When we think of bullies, I think we often think of children in school. In my personal experience, I’ve experienced more bullying in my adult life. One definition of bullying is, “Use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.” That sounds similar to what all authorities in our society do. Is it fair to threaten kids for bullying when they learn that from grown ups? Please don’t misunderstand me. I think bullying is a horrible thing. However, we need to focus more on educating kids on the horrors of bullying, rather than just threatening them with more laws (which is kind of like bullying). Until we start working on changing our “dog eat dog” culture into one that encourages and rewards working together, we shouldn’t expect much change. I think we also need to stop blaming the kids and realize that we adults are to blame. As a parent, I’ve bullied my kids more times than I can count. And as a former student, I’ve been bullied by teachers and security more than by fellow classmates.
Kids First is providing free anti-bullying training for parents. Please register for We Don’t Tolerate Bullying! There is something parents can do at bullytraining.eventbrite.com. Our goal is to train 1000 parents.
Wow, what is wrong with that lady. How dare she blame her daughter, the victim, by saying she just wasn’t strong enough. Her daughter WAS strong. She put up with horrendous bullying for years while her mom and her school did nothing about it. If that’s not strong I don’t know what is! This is as much the mom’s fault and the school’s fault as it is the bullies. THEY are the ones who, through their inaction, enforced the belief that everything was hopeless and that things would never get better, thoughts that form the backbone of suicidal thinking. I bet she would have not let an adult treat her daughter the way that she let the bullies attack her. I am disgusted.
I agree. Her mom wasn’t too strong to allow her child to be home-schooled. Maybe she was afraid of the legal implications of taking her daughter out of school right away.
I say screw the laws and the authorities that disallow people the right to protect themselves and their loved ones.
The laws must respect the people — not the other way round.
I was bullied all my years in public school and in Catholic high school. My parents didn’t listen to or value my concerns in regards to it. It was of a mental, physical, and racial component. Sometimes I thought about doing the worst, but I just found other outlets. I was always a loner anyways and didn’t care what people thought of me. I’m sorry for what this family and this little girl went through, but at the same time I wonder why these younger generations can’t seem to handle this kind of pressure.
I’m sorry you had a rough time growing up. In response to your thought on why younger generations can’t handle the pressure, I suggest that perhaps it’s because things have changed.
There is less community for kids outside of school now. You also have the internet in most people’s homes; this can bring all the problems of school into the kids’ homes, giving them nowhere to hide or be safe. Parents are less involved; schools often have “no tolerance” policies where kids can’t fight back against their aggressors or they’ll be suspended as well. Sexual harassment from peers is increasing.
I think in many ways, things haven’t really changed; adults still stand by and condone what happens as “kids will be kids” and “I had it so much more rough when I was a kid. Get over it.” I had many friends who were harshly bullied growing up. Some of them still have physical problems stemming from the beatings they were given by their peers in school. I also think that parents aren’t parenting; parenting is a learned skill but many people don’t ever learn it. They help create bullies by not providing guidance to their children.
“If you’re a loner, well, you can always change that by becoming a little bit less of a loner…â€
That’s a broad statement, but IMO it only applies to neurotypicals.
Many people are diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, ADHD and other disorders after becoming adults. We live in a society where abuse, bullying, depression, and suicide are so common, yet parents conveniently assume that their child is perfectly “normal”.
I was bullied from fifth grade to high school. Though I didn’t know it then, I was beginning to show the signs of an anxiety disorder in fifth grade as I was terrified of my peers – even those not involved in the situation – and would panic and sweat and shake when I was near them. I was so scared. This went on all through middle school and early high school. Even now, as a high school junior, I still haven’t beat it and still show all the signs of this issue daily. I wonder now what I could have done better to resolve the situation. Frankly, I wish I had punched those girls in the mouth.
Two years ago I published a book Margaret and the Bully. It deals with children in elementary school. The ages are kindergarten to fifth grade. My grandchildren who were in those grades gave me much insight into the problems. I have been trying to get this into schools. I have been fortunate that many schools are ordering this book. Every day I try to send hundreds of e-mails to teachers, nurses,parents,professionals in the medical field, all over the country. My web site speaks for itself please visit. I take this very serious as I once was bullied as a child and lived in silence.
Carole,
Is the book you published available at book stores online? I would love to purchase it and read it to my children ages 7 and 3. My 7 year old son has been picked on since kindergarten b/c of his height. He is the smallest in his class, always has been, and most likely always will be. My husband and myself are both short. I try to explain this to him, but regardless, it still hurts. And it hurts me that it hurts him. Our school tends to be anti bullying… Our school uses the oom about being a bucket dipper. I wold love to possibly introduce this into our school which is grades per-k thru 5th.
Tracy
These are the stories that tell us we are not a society worth saving. The sooner we are obliterated, the better. Pedophiles are among us everywhere, bullying occurs in the schools and the adults are oblivious to it. Drugs and guns in the streets. Babies are kidnapped or dumped everyday. And our elected officials enrich and fatten themselves at our expense. Burn it down. Burn it ALL down.
The school principle at the time should be charged as well as the bullies.
It is these SERIAL bullies, who are over 15 y.o. and therefore at an age that is able to distinguish between right and wrong. They will more likely turn out to be criminals later on, as they did not receive deserved punishment for the serious crimes they committed earlier.
These particular people will become criminals not because of socioeconomic background, but simply because they enjoy hurting others as they have narcissistic tendencies. As is the case with Sean Mulveyhill and Kayla Narey.
Most of these older serious serial bullies will most definitely engage in acts of violence, assault, contribute to workplace bullying, and other harmful misbehaviors in the community.
Unlike other criminals, they are the proportion that is most likely to hurt utterly innocent people. Because of no other reasons but that they choose to, and because they never received the deserved punishment earlier on; to warn them society in no way tolerates them and they definitely cannot do as they please.
I strongly believe that “people should treat others the same way they would like to be treated” and this is really a simple principle of humankind. But, of course in reality its completely different because there will always be black, and white in this world, and never just one. In another word, there will always be good and bad people, that is why we have jail to lock up the bad people so they would not harm others again until they learn to “treat others like the way they want to be treated”. (But, of course, there are some that has been falsely imprison – but then that is a different topic) It is sad that some people get tortured, abused, bullied, teased, and harassed for no reason, and these bad people just don’t understand that when the “damage” is done – there will still be a scar even when you try fixing it. Sad.
My mother taught me to aviod these horrible people, and self-protection in any dangerous situation, and come out when it is safe again. Nothing is more important than health & wellbeing. Money cannot buy health, happiness, or life. Nothing is more dangerous than a evil mind, and heart of those that want to harm you. “Bullying, is somewhat samiliar to office politics” – some horrible people will do anything to trick, manipulate, and destroy you. I hate office politics, but again they also exist (just like bullying, which again is another topic)
My mother has passed away now, but I know she is in Heaven watching over me. I can feel her presence, and guidance during my sad times such as when I get harassed, bullied, teased, manipulated, abused, or tricked by horrible people. Growing up in a single family taught me to be strong, brave, and alert of the bad people. I can shred tears that my parents are gone, or smile because they have lived.
I always try to create happy events in all areas of my life, but of course, there will always be horrible and selfish people out there that will do anything to destroy, or bring unhappy events into your life by using horrible methods such bullying, manipulation, or use dirty tricks to win you. Sad isn’t it?, but like I said avoid these horrible people, and mix with the good people, or like-minded people (the world is never black and dark, there is still white and light remember!)Horrible people will get the punishment they deserve, whatever goes around will definitely come back to them by law,or karma.
Lastly, I understand how it feel to lose family members that you love, and care so much. I have also lost a best friend through suicide too – therefore I feel for the Connor and Prince family who have also lost their most dearest family member, and I really hope time, and support can heal their pain. Rest in Peace sweet little ones.
As long as these kids, know that no matter what they do, all they’re going to get is a slap on the wrist, they’re going to keep doing it. This girl thought she had no other way out other than taking her life, she’s dead and the people responsible for her death walked away scotch free, with only an “Agghh It’s ok guys, don’t worry, we know you’re just kids”.
One dead, 6 criminals walking free with not even a sratch on their records.
I appreciate this article so much. My 7 year old son was targeted by a bully, who was enlisting others to help, and even former friends, afraid of this strong-arm type, who was a couple years older having been held back due to behavior issues, were turning away from my son.
My husband and I complained several times and the school tried to shame us — saying “What will the other parents/kids think of you and your son, being so wimpy as to not stand up to the bully” etc. They called both boys in and considered it “conflict resolution” and of course, the bullying escalated a lot afterwards.
Within three weeks of onset, I realized it was dangerous — my son had always been very open with me about his day and everything that happened so I was aware of most incidents. We took our son out of that school and homeschooled him. A few months later, another boy who had become the new target had his head bashed against a brick wall in the boys’ restroom and had to go to hospital for xrays. I just knew instinctively that this was exactly where it was leading for my son, and I honestly believe my husband and I may have saved his life by deciding we would not put him in danger anymore but remove him immediately when the school proved it really didn’t want to put any “blame” on a 9 year old (whose parents happened to be very wealthy and had contributed thousands to the private school.)
I was bullied as a child but the administration had strict discipline and bullies were shamed by being called to the principal’s office and even paddled. I don’t agree with corporal punishment but I do believe in quick and effective action to show the bully he (or she) has been reported and the situation is being taken very seriously. So often, these days, I think bullying is ignored by staff who don’t want to deal with it. I hope Dan Olweus’ program (or other good anti-bullying programs) become the norm in schools, but I fear we’re no where near that level of concern yet, and many more will be harmed or even have to die before this situation is properly addressed by authorities.
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