The secret of happiness is to count your blessings while others are adding up their troubles.
— William Penn
Normally I’m known as a “nice guy:” easygoing, fair, pretty calm and generally happy. But several years ago I planned a weekend conference on psychodrama that unglued me. Planning the conference took six months and included the usual things; arranging for a block of rooms, guaranteeing registrants, coordinating lunches and dinners, and keeping the cost down wherever I could.
As a clinical professor, the presentations and training itself were easy. I could lecture and demonstrate the use of role-playing in dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder, show videos of how to apply group principles to people with intellectual and psychiatric disabilities, and demonstrate the various ways to deescalate a fight that had broken out between two members of a group. But guaranteeing payment for a block of rooms and coordinating the coffee sent shivers down my spine.
The pre-registration looked good enough to cover the costs. On the drive from New Jersey to Stockbridge, Mass. where the conference was to be held, I received a call on my cell phone. The shift manager explained that more people had shown up for the conference than anticipated and they could not be accommodated. They did not have reservations and he had no other options than to send them elsewhere.
I lost it.
In my car, alone, I began screaming at the top of my lungs. “You promised me they could accommodate up to 75 people! Now you’re telling me you only have room for 50! I’ve spent six months planning this damn thing with your hotel, we have a contract! You can’t tell me last minute that there is no place for these people — they’ll never trust me again! I’ll never be able to run another conference!” As Albert Ellis might have said, I was “awfulizing.”
Driving on the New York State Thruway I swerved, screamed, and generally worked myself up into what my mother would have called a “tizzy.”
I came to a tollbooth and dug into my pocket to pay. As the window went down I was still shrieking into the phone. I expected to pay and go, but instead the tollbooth operator said something that changed my life.
“There is no toll for you today, sir.”
“Don’t start with me,” I said in a huff. “Just take my money, please.”
“The car in front of you paid the toll. He said to tell you it was a random act of kindness — and to have a nice day.”
“What?”
“It has never happened before. He actually gave me more than what your toll is and told me to apply any leftovers to the car behind you.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
I thanked him, drove off, and told the guy at the hotel I would call him back in 10 minutes. The timing and impact of the random act of kindness caused a shift in me — a profound one. Instead of being so focused on the problem, it allowed me to shift into a more positive frame of mind. I calmed down, and called back the hotel.
The events coordinator got on the phone and told me it was a misunderstanding. It wasn’t that they didn’t have reservations for rooms, it was that these people didn’t have reservations for Saturday night dinner. This was an easy problem to fix as they staggered the seating times. The conference went off without a hitch.
I was happy, the participants were happy, the hotel was happy. But if I had kept shouting everyone would have suffered. I’d have been in a foul mood for the entire ride up, and, even if the mistake was taken care of, I would have wasted a lot of precious energy and time on being negative. This random act of kindness was my first experience in positive psychology.
This new discipline helps us not only count our blessings, but analyze and optimize their use as well. This field of inquiry opening up in psychology is more than a passing fad. Positive psychology is rapidly emerging as the direction for many researchers and practitioners. Long mired in the work of understanding negative conditions, emotions, and feelings, psychology is taking a completely different view on understanding best how to benefit the human condition. Rather than to simply ameliorate the conditions of depression and negative symptoms, positive psychology is a direct effort to both quash the frequency and intensity of depression and anxiety, and directly increase the happiness we experience in life. What positive psychology endeavors to do is to make us flourish in our life.
Researchers from around the globe have focused on determining the factors that we can identify as affecting our positive emotions. More specifically, the research is more often than not tailored into practical application of enhancing these factors.
Dr. Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania is now introduced as “The Father of Positive Psychology.” He is, arguably, the world’s most influential living psychologist. The former president of the American Psychological Association changed the way psychologists understood and treated depression by introducing a theory of learned helplessness in the mid-1970s. He has now changed the way we understand happiness.
His work on depression years earlier took a research-based approach to interventions and outcomes. This isn’t simply a matter of saying ‘think happy thoughts and you’ll feel better,’ this is a highly scientific approach toward understanding the methods and techniques which have the greatest potential of increasing a sense of well-being and happiness and identifying which of them may work best for you.
Consider the exercise called Three Blessings. It is already one of the classics in the field. This amazingly simple technique has been shown to have a powerful, positive effect on reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety, while simultaneously increasing a sense of joy and well-being.
The task is simple enough. As your day comes to a close, allow yourself to think about three things that happened during the day that you are most happy about, and why you believe they happened.
The simple elegance of this exercise is part of the appeal, and in some ways the stumbling block people may find difficulty overcoming. Could it really be that something so easy could have such profound results? The unequivocal answer is yes!
The outcome from doing this exercise is astonishing. Participants doing this exercise for one week increased happiness and decreased depressive symptoms for six months. This is not a misprint. One week of doing this had a lasting effect for six months. While newer research suggests that this technique may actually be more effective if done less frequently rather than more frequently, the basics of the technique have value, a very positive one. The information is pouring in from all corners of the globe, and it is becoming clear that positive psychology is free, easy, effective, and worth the try. For a bit more on the history of this and other experiments launching positive psychology here is an interview with Dr. Seligman.
I encourage you to reflect this evening on the three blessings in your day. You may want to write these down and think about why they may have come into your life. Try this twice more during the week and note how you feel. If you need more encouragement to try this, consider these words from Charles Dickens: “Reflect on your present blessings, on which every man has many, not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”
11 comments
Great article! I do this exercise in counting blessings with my 9-year-old son each night when I tuck him in. I sit on the edge of his bed and we both recount our top-three “highs” of the day. Some days are easier to find highs than others. Some days have an abundance of highs, others have hardly any, but we always manage to find a few. Even if it’s a small thing—like finding a good parking space at the grocery store. I’ve found that finishing the day off with this attitude booster has really helped me get through some rough patches, even to the point that I wonder why everyone has complained so much about this winter weather. I think it’s been beautiful!
But what if you don’t have 3 blessings each day? Most of the time I would be pressed to think of 3 in a week. I’m not being argumentative or even pesamistic, just realistic. For one thing, I work from home so it can be a week before I see or talk to another person sometimes. Unless I counted things like: My house didn’t burn down today, or I woke up this morning (still alive). But I don’t think you can count these kinds of things blessings.
I was thinking the same thing. I struggled to think of 3 things I was happy about today. Isn’t that the idea of depression–things don’t make us happy. Maybe the trick is to start really small (“I was happy about the sandwich I had for lunch.”) I don’t know.
It is possible to incline your thinking towards what is going well in your world, even if you do need to start with the smallest of things. Mine started with a list of what gives me joy, a toddler running the opposite way to a parent, a babys expression or feeding, the smell of a rose or spring bulbs coming up, sunsets, stars, my son saying thank you or asking fora hug, s smile from a stranger, someone letting you into a traffic queue, your childs school assembly, doing something for someone else and a lot more.Being mindful means noticing these, if we look for what is wrong, we will surely find it too ! Its also about monitoring our self talk, and at times, being compassionate to yourself, and knowing what your deeply held values are and how they are in alignment with the life you are living. For me, it takes discipline. You can change your whole experience of the world through the words you use to describe that experience, turn down the volume or pump it up, make it colourful. Reading a variety of novels or fact, can help you expand this vocabulary, or looking in the dictionary. Watching comedians, things that make you laugh, picking up the phone or simple connections with others, help to expand perspective and connect us with commonality of human experience. You can ask yourself powerful questions and make this a habit, so that you explore anothers perspective or ask what you can learn or do differently on another ocasion. There are lots of ways of taking yourself on this journey – it starts with self responsability for the life we create. Its not to say I never get down, but life brings a wide range of emotion – thankfully, otherwise how would we gage and mark the important passages in our lives ? or grow, Personally, I never write even a day off as a bad one, each hour can bring new things, or even minutes, if we commit ourselves to embracing whatever happens. Even the very difficult stuff, can be full of gifts – My Mum was recently in intensive care, third brain surgery in 5 years and massive complications after- what an emotional rollercoaster !I had to make a very conscious effort to look for the gifts and surely found them. I discovered a second hand sofa shop, when looking for something for her near the hospital – just what we needed, I watched my 16 year old hug the mother of a 16 year old, who had also just had brain surgery, I marvelled at her capacity to deal with the level of human emotion, I rebuilt my relationship with my sister and gained much closer connection with my whole family and enjoyed spending time with lots of new people, who demonstrated great bravery – to name a few.It also brought me sharply back to my key value and purpose and a commitment to support necessary changes in hospital care. This has been a significant journey of study, and practice – training as a Coach, as well as being a therapist, is all a big part of that for me.For some people, this wisdom comes naturally, especially when working with older people, who have so much to share with us and a notable resilience and perspective on life. And I oftren find myself thinking about how my 21 year old handles life, and the humour she uses – she is one of my role. models, when I need to lighten up !Whose YOurs and why ? Wendy
Hello Wendy,
Have just found this web page looking for items on counting blessings. I noted that you have re-built a relationship with your sister. My current dark days are all related to my sister’s behaviour and my reaction to her behaviour. I have come so close to cutting the sibling bond, and have become deeply depressed as a result of the sibling situation. I love your list of blessings. I have 7 grandchildren, and many reasons to get counting those blessings. This morning a lovely jogger smiled a genuine hello to me on my daily walk; A resident Magpie stayed on the path, searching for beetles or worms, unafraid of my approach; A walk with a work colleague at lunch time. When I think about it I will think of many blessings for today. The cloud is there though, that dark lingering sadness is companion to each blessed moment.
Love this article and your blog Wendy.
Great reading, and great to know modern psychology is finally catching up with what the Christian Bible has said for around 2000 years. The book of Philippians, chapter 4 is a prime example, particularly verse 8, that in the Living Bible rendition concludes, “Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about.”
It’s sure made a difference in my life.
I have nothing to consider a blessing. My mind is too self-destructive. Every kind thing, every lucky find and anything considered a ‘blessing’ my mind will destroy, twist and ruin for me till it is something worth being upset about. I need a better technique than the thing that my brain is incapable of doing.
This was a great article. It basically reminded me that my problems are small and I need not to get to worked up about them. Also that there is so much good in the world. Sometimes I think I is crazy but things really go well for me so the little problems seem larger than they are. Thanks
Reading these articles is like eating two big macs too many, you just come away feeling way worse than when you went in.
It is beginning to change my life too, any bad memories, pain, experience when I counted for the all the good things in my life the good things that I’m grateful n blessed for, all unwanted experience and past feels like nothing, what was I even worrying about my life! As I thank God for all the good things and blessings in my life.
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