At the interview for my first professional job, my future boss asked me, “I notice you’re married. Are you planning to get pregnant?” After I picked my jaw off the floor I stammered, “Uh, no?”
It was a totally illegal question and the shocker was it came from a woman. What I should have done was run screaming for the nearest exit. But the job was offered, I took it and three years later I quit with a raging case of Post-Traumatic Boss Disorder.
Rule #1: How you are treated from ‘go’ is a good indicator of how you will be treated on the job. The first phone call, your interview, how an offer is made and how negotiations are handled…
My boss made me think I was her confidant. She gave me the plum jobs and ‘confided’ to me that everyone else was inferior. For two years my feet hardly touched the ground.
It didn’t last. The Boss-zilla is a soul-sucking manipulator of narcissistic proportions. He hooks you with compliments and seductive ‘let’s be friends’ invitations. First you are the golden child, held above all others and then he tears out your heart and show it to you while it’s still pumping..… uh… Did I say that out loud?
Rule #2: Keep a healthy distance. You cannot be friends with your boss.
Into the third year, my work was bounced back to me bleeding red edits. My boss started calling me into her office for ‘feedback’ sessions that got more and more humiliating. How did I lose my touch? Answer: I didn’t. I was the same hard-working nerd I always was; it was my boss’s attitude toward me that had changed.
Rule #3: You are neither all good nor all bad.
My co-workers hated me. As long as I was the ‘good’ one I didn’t care. When things went south I couldn’t take being isolated anymore and I started talking with other staff. Generously they forgave me and shared their own horror stories of abuse from my boss. What an eye opener!
Rule #4: Keep open diplomacy among co-workers.
They don’t have to be your friends but you should be able to compare notes just like siblings do about their parents. Dysfunctional bosses often use the old divide and conquer game to keep staff malleable.
Once I realized it wasn’t me, that it was a sick, dysfunctional corporate culture that allowed my boss to be abusive, I had a decision to make. My moment of truth came when I realized I had become someone I didn’t recognize and didn’t like. Depressed, obsequious, timid, who was this person? I wanted my spirit back and the only way for me was to leave. So I quit. That sounds easy. It wasn’t. It took months to find a job that felt like a good move, not a big step backwards.
Rule #5: Learn to define yourself by who are, not what you do.
Or “Don’t forget to have a life.” A lot of us were raised to think our end-all and be-all is our occupation. The first thing we tend to ask each other after being introduced is, “So what do you do?” I’ve had clients, grown men miserable in their jobs, shrink from the idea of quitting primarily because they have no idea who they are without the job. Family and friends (my husband was great at this) help us remember we are parents, church and temple members, coaches, thinkers, readers, spouses, travelers, life adventurers and more. These roles are constant no matter what the job is.
Rule #6: Always remember you have options; quitting is only one of them.
If you think you don’t, you will become depressed, a burnt-out shadow of your former self. Find a psychologist, life coach or career counselor to help you regain the perspective you’ve lost in abusive boss hell.
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have at least one Boss-zilla story. A power-mad night supervisor at Taco Bell or a VP at a Fortune 500 company, it’s all the same. Post-traumatic Boss Disorder (PTBD) is no joke. It took me a good year to stop shaking every time my new boss asked me to his office for a conference.
Rule #7: Living well is the best revenge.
Giving notice to Boss-zilla was as bad as I thought it was going to be. She called me ungrateful; I was told my poor performance would follow me wherever I went. What kept me calm throughout her tantrum was knowing my new job was at a very prestigious institution, which had to be killing her. She didn’t need to know there was no salary increase.
PTBD struck again many years later. Older and wiser, I recognized the signs early and took action quicker than before. From then on I’ve been self-employed. Today I’m happy to say my boss is usually pretty reasonable.
32 comments
halo, I’m fitri. I come from indonesia.. article which you make very good. I Oftentimes write the article after reading your article. coincidence, I also chosen the blog with the psychology theme. name of my blog is duniapsikologi. ‘Dunia’ in english mean the world, and psychology in Indonesian Language is ‘Psikologi’.
thank’s
http://duniapsikologi.dagdigdug.com/
Very accurate article. I’ve had my fair share of abusive bosses and supervisors. I feel sorry for those of us who have had to go through an internship as a college or graduate student with an abusive supervisor. Or even those of us who haven’t but still experienced abusive bosses.My option was to leave the job. Sometimes the pressure is too unbearable and one’s sanity is not worth a paycheck or a good title listed on one’s vita.
I would also recommend speaking to potential co-workers and perhaps sticking around after the interview (if possible) to get a feel of the environment. It wasn’t until two weeks later that I realized what a mess I had gotten myself into. Who would think a reputable children’s psychiatric institute would have abusive supervisors? The abusive environment appears to be most prevalent with students, both college and graduate, who are in need of an internship for their program requirements. Usually these poor students are treated as the maid instead of the potential colleague. One’s learning experience is undermined by “power-trippers.”
It’s almost very difficult to determine whether or not you’re pursuing a blessing or a nightmare. However, there are certainly ways of avoiding abusive bosses and I think you’ve covered most of them.
Good advice!
WOW!!! This article just really rang true with me. I’m still picking my jaw up off the floor because it felt like Dr. Aletta was talking about life.
The funny thing is that I totally agree with Tamra about how “reputable childrens psychiatric institute” can treat people so very, very terrible. I worked in mental health for a few years and for institutions with stellar reputations for the treatment of youth. The commitment to the client and the therapy involved was amazing. However the way that line staff was treated was often terrible and the politics of the environment was some of the most ruthless that I have ever experianced anywhwere.
I really wish that I had this article from Dr. Aletta when I was a young adult starting my professional career. I think that all parents, mentors, guidance counselors should print off this article and give it to high school & university graduates before they start their first day of work!
Great writing!
Dr. Aletta covers the signs and symptoms of this particularly insidious type of abuse and offers concrete methods for combating it. Well done.
This is 2008 (2009 in several days), no matter what the economy is, employees(investors, partners) should never forget that they are human capital and that they CHOOSE to invest their time, effort, and experience. I have spent long tenures in companies that were worth it. But I also left companies in 6 months after discovering certain things I was not willing to tolerate or was able to change. Indentured servancy has been abolished centuries ago.
There ARE fantastic companies looking for someone like you.
Apolinaras “Apollo” Sinkevicius
blog: http://www.LeanStartups.com
Dr. Aletta,
Thanks for getting this information out!
Employees suffer through this kind of boss thinking they are to blame, but bosses like this spend a lifetime honing their manipulation skills. I worked with one who had 30 different ways to win an argument. He took every sales technique, psychological game playing, and false argumentation known to humanity and wove them into such incredible verbal skills that it was hard to not walk away feeling guilty for something.
And yes, it takes awhile after realizing how long you’ve been “had” to shake it off and find both inner and outer trust.
If you fine yourself becoming, as Dr Aletta says, “a shadow of your former self,” it’s time to move decisively and thoughtfully away from a boss who steals so much from you.
That is a very incisive and useful article. I spent very little time in the corporate culture precisely due to people like that “boss”. It’s nice to know it isn’t just me. And here I thought I was un-employable…
Great article! A great reminder as to how to keep perspective and remain grounded as we enter 2009.
As an employee morale consultant, I am delighted to see the topic of workplace abuse addressed by a psychologist. As you so eloquently state, there’s nothing you can do to change people who manage through manipulation, inconsistent behavior and intimidation. These bosses are unhappy emotional weaklings who will stop at nothing to feel powerful so they won’t have to face their true feelings of inadequacy. Dr. Aletta, I agree with every word you wrote–and thank you for writing it!
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I currently have an abusive boss who uses the ‘divide and conquer’ method. It requires a great deal of emotional energy to constantly remind yourself that it is him, not you. I have started looking for a new job and just knowing that I WILL move on – hopefully sooner – gives me confidence to make sure that I survive.
I recommend to all people with an abusive boss, that if your conscious says his behavior is not right, listen to it. Find a new job and move on…. You will be happy you did.
I worked for a man whose wife gave his secretary the heads up when he left for work if he was ‘on the warpath.’ Those of us lucky enough to have offices watched for other signs. If our associates had closed their doors, it was a sign. (somehow he avoided bothering anyone he assumed was ‘very busy’ and he interpreted the closed door to mean ‘very busy.’)
My tipoff came very early. I was given an office previously used by someone outside the dept .. she informed me she had had a lock installed on the door to feel safe there.
4 breakdowns in the space of 5 months in a dept of 9.
I managed to avoid being the subject of his tantrums for an amazing 3 years (found out later that i actually hold the record for the longest period of time anyone has ever worked for him –the general time limit was about 6 months). What happened to end my employment?
He pulled a tantrum of course. I put the firm on notice that if he ever came into my office again and grabbed the phone out of my hand and a file out of the other, i would not limit my complaint to the shareholders. I would dial the police and have him charged. He got chewed out, was given notice to ‘move on,’ and fired me as one of his last acts.
Others handled him differently. One refused to close her door, and if he came into her office and started up, she’d simply say: “i really don’t have time to deal with this. Please go to the gym and run and check back with me later.”
(with another boss, i found myself saying “look, i realize it is 9:30, you’ve finished the WSJ and it’s time for you to get into an argument, then get a coke and get to work, but i’m just not in the mood so how about just skipping the argument part and just go get yourself a Coke.” I said all of this with my back to the clock. I saw his eyes glance there, saw a whiff of embarrassment — it was precisely 9:30. he did as i asked and never tried it again with me)
Strong, independent women were far more likely to be the brunt of abusive men in the workplace years ago to a degree not understood now. Often HR depts would deliberately find capable, confident women and deliberately pair them up with abusive bosses operating on the assumption that the bosses would be intimidated into ‘behaving’ and that timid women would be damaged more seriously. Obviously, not the best plan in the world, then or now. Like firing the man never occurred to anyone?
BTW, to anyone currently dealing with this. Check with your state unemployment office. In some states, hostile environments such as these can be determined to be a ‘constructive discharge’ and if you can document and prove the unreasonable work conditions, and the employer’s refusal to take reasonable action on your behalf, you can qualify for unemployment compensation without having to formally quit your job.
I am currently working with a mentally abusive boss. She replaced my boss when my former boss left to take another position. I have worked a truckig firm for 3 years as a recruiter and I have never had such a difficult time doing my job since this person was placed in charge. I am the only woman in my office and there were 4 men hired in Sept 2008 who have no skill, experience, nor knowledge in my field. I know this for fact And I did find out that all of them are being paid more than me. However, I was bumped up in salary after 2 months after they were hired. All were hired in to do the same job I do but the highest paid male was transitioned to “lead recruiter” in 3 weeks period and then to manager in 3 more weeks time. I was never given the opportunity to be lead anything. I also am having to train them all for the most part. I believe that these men were hired by the director of recruiting because they lack skill and knowledge of the trucking industry and the laws that govern trucking companies just so that she could control my office. My office has been pure chaos since she took over and brought these men in.
I finally did contact a lawyer and have subsequently filed an EEOC complaint. After these few months all my knowledge, skill, and experience has been disregarded as important and I am constantly being bombarded with a “frat house” atmosphere or “sports bar” without the beer. One man does college homework during work hours and constantly talks telling jokes and will put his phone on DND and of course my phone picks up the calls. The thing is, is that I did address this whith the director but not much has changed. School is starting again for him and I am waiting to see if he does homework again. If he does then I will know that she did not address it with him.
Anyway, I recognize that I need to move on to another job but for a 47 yo single woman it is difficult. I also recognize that I am slowly losing sight of who I used to be on my job and the difference I made in the company is fading out of sight. I had actually had a discusion in May with the president of the company and informed him of how much I loved my job and that I had only been used to factory labor and now I had my dream job. I thought that he understood where I was coming from but I was wrong.
I hope to find another job soon.
Hi Dr. Aletta
It’s quite uncanny how you’ve described my boss down to a T, and, like SpaceAgeSage, mine can completely bamboozle me with her combination of verbal skills & manipulation, that I always end up feeling totally inadequate and guilty, even though I’ve done all my work, and more. The only thing that’s kept me sane is my determination to find another job. If anyone else experiences this, don’t bother to think you can “change” things – this kind of boss is very comfortable in her power-base, and will make sure that nothing changes, other than to increase her power and status, at the expense of everyone else. Move on and up – leave her in her rut.
Why are these Bad Bosses all the same? Why have so many of us commenting here on this article felt that it describes our situation to a “T”? There must be a special as-yet-unnamed personality disorder specific to this group of sick people! They all seem to fit a cookie-cutter mold perfectly – I can only think that the behavior is a sickness of a very specific nature and that our bosses all have it!
I found my way here because I, too, have such a boss. I am disappointed to have learned that in the U.K., there are laws protecting employees in this kind of situation but in the U.S., legislation has been introduced but remains unpassed.
After a 20+ year stellar professional history of accomplishment and recognition, I found my way to my first experience with a truly Bad Boss. She is generally abusive and demoralizing in her treatment of staff and in her leadership style, but I have been a favorite target. I sometimes think it is expressly because I am bright and capable that she has put to much into breaking me down.
Not surprisingly, the abuse has been escalating as time goes on. I have been actively looking for new work for many months, but of course this takes time. In the meantime, the worst incident with my boss by far happened in July. She was so vicious, disrespectful and humiliating in her open contempt that I have not the slightest delusion remaining that the situation can possibly do anything but get worse and worse more and more quickly, so I have redoubled my efforts to move on.
I don’t want to be driven to quit with no compensation for the abuse that has forced me out of job I once loved (in spite of her early, much more moderated abuse). I do not feel my family and I should lose income and benefits because a Bad Boss situation made it impossible for me to continue in this organization. In the meantme, I still have to cope with my boss.
I recently began to see a cognitive behavioral therapist about this problem, and what a great thing this was! He made me understand that my boss’ behavior is a reflection of HER feelings of gross inadequacy, which she projects onto others as a way of diverting attention from her own incompetence. He told me that I have to change my way of thinking about these things, to really know that this is about her craziness and has NOTHING to do with my personal and professional value.
Today I will confront my boss and give her an ultimatum. I plan to tell her that I will NOT quit, so she continues with convictions of my incompetence, we need to be working on a mutually satisfactory exit strategy NOW, with definite timelines, so she has reasonable time to reassign my key duties and so I can GET OUT (…with my unemployment benefits).
Wish me luck!
Good for you! On all counts! For finding help (your CBT therapist) for finding your self-respect (although maybe you never lost it) and for making a plan that works for you. I wish you all the best!
Living well is the best revenge. This should apply for the job as well. If your boss bitches at you, insults you, and threatens to fire you, pretend it doesn’t bother you, and act like you’re in a good mood. For me, it was hard to do at first, but I’ve reached a point where I just didn’t care about my job anymore, and I wanted to my boss suffer. The only way to do that is to act like your happy, even when you’re night.
I have a job where my boss quit (I liked working for her) and her replacement is a real bully. I’ve never had someone so disrespectful and insecure.
I do believe it’s important to remove yourself from abusive behavior but while I am looking for a new position are there books or other resources to help keep up my self worth and spirit? Counseling is nice, but expensive and difficult when you have a job that’s taking over your life, children and the added responsibility of looking for new employment.
GREAT post, I am sure everyone has either experienced this or is experiencing this.
Your advice was refreshing, you guide on how to address the situation in a healthy and positive manner.
Thanks~
I could have written this!
I had a nearly identical experience, but financially I was in the position to leave the abusive boss before getting a new one and go back to school.
I would’ve taken it up the chain, but unfortunately, we were Human Resources, and it wasn’t a viable solution.
It takes a while to heal from emotional abuse of any kind and to feel confident in your abilities. Thanks for the article.
For 7 years I gave my life to a ‘small FAMILY’ oriented trucking Company and we had a TEAMWORK atmosphere and we did it for ‘the boss’ who for the most part was a decent & generous person. We grew from 30 people to over 90 in Seven years. I was the Secretary & picked up the slack from the bottom up. Somewhere along the line the boss ‘changed’- something went to his head- became narcissistic-& (got a girl friend while he is married) started playing the manipulative divide & conquer games within the Company! I seemed to get the brundt end of it all =I guess because he was able to get to me through his intimidation to make me feel guilty – but like Janet Smith says “These bosses are unhappy emotional weaklings who will stop at nothing to feel powerful so they won’t have to face their true feelings of inadequacy” In November I coundn’t take it anymore and told the ‘boss off’ because I couldnt take his treatment anymore! I just got fired May 29th by one of his ’33 year old HR playtoys’! Im 60 years old and Im devastated! So much wasted time & I will never find another job like this! There has be be a LAW against this kind of harassment & ABUSE!
This article, as others have said fits my work-life to a T. This happens at all levels! I am the President of a company and my COO is abusive. I started 5 years ago and was a confidant and perceived “golden child”. I worked hard and still do and he gave me a lot of opportunities. In the last year he has become hyper critical and manipulative. There is a new associate going through the honeymoon phase right now and I can see this cycle about to start. Any of us who have made it more than a few years have been on an emotional roller coaster. The problem is I love what I do and the organization. It’s not the job- it’s the emotional, petty, insecure, jealous, manipulative man I work for. Everyone above and below him are good. I am well compensated. These are my velvet handcuffs. I can’t leave but I can’t stay and be healthy. Help!
I have the oddest boss. He yells then becomes happy if you cower. Then rewards you based on how close to breaking down you seem.
I’ve gotten good at it. He spends half an hour yelling while my mind eye is rolling at him. I know if I do well enough he will let me go home early or he will buy me lunch.
This article made me feel,better. Thank,you.
My father started a steel fabrication and mechanical engineering company 25 years ago. He approached me with the offer of taking over his company 3 years ago. People told me I would regret it and I do. We never had a great relationship due to the verbal, emotional and sometimes physical abuse my mother did (and does) endure as well as his alcoholism. He’s emotionally and verbally abusive on a daily basis. He has even thrown phones and coffee cups at me in unreasonable fits of rage. He will never step down from being the boss or keeping an eye over the company and judging and critiquing every move I make. I’m petrified of leaving as I don’t know what the job market holds for me. My CV is so messy having my finger in graphic design, debt collection, IT and now mechanical engineering. I’m stuck in a rut. I’m depressed and think it’s about time I escape irrespective of the consequences.
These creatures are all Narcissists. Their personalities are poisonous. Get away from them before they devour your entire sense of self…and your soul.
Truth indeed: Living Well is the BEST revenge.
God be with you all.