What happens when it hurts too much to live? Can it really be too painful to live one more moment with emptiness, depression, and despair? Yes, for some people suicide seems like the only way out.
Not every person who contemplates killing themselves is truly interested in ending their time on earth. For many, suicidal thoughts are about escape — musing about the idea of leaving the bonds that bind them to other people, responsibilities to burdens, and the despair of what they can’t change. If they could just escape it, maybe they still could go on somehow. Not right now, but after a while. They just need to get away from it.
Suicidal thoughts and actions are also sometimes paired with strong impulses and low inhibitions. This can happen with drugs and alcohol, bipolar disorder, or any personality style that leans more toward action than consideration. When a depressed or desperate mood gets legs, a person could be in real physical danger.
These are all fictional examples, but you can see how impulse plus mood problems can equal suicide.
- A person in despair over a broken relationship sits on the train tracks where the train traffic is regular. They’ve had several beers and are feeling everything so strongly.
- A person with rapidly shifting moods has had a lot of problems lately. They are driving in their car and are thinking about what would happen if they slammed into a wall or tree.
- A person who’s had trouble in the public eye and a history of depression and drug use. They become sick of the daily emotional rollercoaster, grab their gun, and load up a few bullets.
Many people each day are walking around with enormous amounts of emotional pain. Living is difficult, they’ve lost loved ones, the future looks bleak, and they feel backed into a corner. But not everyone contemplates suicide. Some hold very strong religious beliefs that prevent them from ever taking any action. Others hold an important value on life in general, and can tell themselves that there has to be another way.
Sadly, many people do have very scary thoughts about ending their life. Some come very close to the brink of action before pulling back. Others only have fleeting thoughts. The “invasion” of depression into a person’s mind can make difficult things seem much more than just difficult — they become impossible.
They see no reason to live on after their spouse has died. They see no way out of their financial troubles. They think there is no more purpose for them after their serious injury or illness. This black and white thinking can trap a person into a narrow chute, seeing their demise as they only reasonable choice. And I’m not saying that the pain isn’t real or extremely intense. It’s the thought process and judgment that balances emotion, and depression thinking just isn’t straight.
For any of you who have been down this path, I invite you to add on comments and expand on this little post. There’s no way a few hundred words can do justice to the topic except to introduce it. If you are feeling strongly about suicide and don’t feel safe, I urge you to contact your local police or hospital right away. They are trained to help you get through your immediate crisis, and then get you the further specialized mental health help that you need. And for those I have known who have taken their own lives, your deaths have made a lifelong impression on me.
706 comments
I’m homeless and I have nothing but the clothes on my back. Been that way since may 2017. i have no one, no family, no friends. Tried to get a job but no one will hire me because of my condition. Been depressed and suffer with extreme anixty. My physical pain is terrible. I have pain in my knees and back as well as pain in my hips from an auto acident. Its so hard to just walk. I don’t won’t to live anymore
I’m close to be homeless as well. My building is about to be torn down so people with money can live in their new condos. It’s the last of the cheaper rent which is still more than many can afford. I also have CFS. You’re not alone in the world, there’s a lot of us struggling to make it day by day. I’m finding it more difficult and sometimes can’t believe I made it this far.
First, I haven’t lost that much too feel depressed. I had a terrible poor life before get my adulthood. I know exactly how possible things are. I believe that If I wanted to make something happened I can do it, except my feelings. It seems that because I was raised in really poor family, with almost no food to eat in the daily basis. Sometimes we needed to ask neighbors for help, I created a vision that everything is just a task. Nothing that I do give me pleasure, it is just something else in my to do list to achieve whatever I need. I created a sense of hurt myself to achieve any goals, but it didn’t matter I got out of poverty, it didnt matter I have a solid carreer, I still dont feel pleasure. I kind of hate everybody for the feelings they have, when I just feel tired of living all the time. I cant find anything enjoyable, and I have one objective left till I take my life. I am counting the days to my last book page. I dont want to make my own family and it’s been 3 months I dont contact my parents and sisters. I just send them money. Those terrible grammar mistakes are because English is not my native language
Zorc, you don’t have to feel this way anymore. It may be a fight but do you want to just give in? I myself have been so poor at times I would take my kids on ‘walks’ that were in fact, food scrounging opportunities. One summer we made regular trips to different peoples yards to get mulberries, pecans, blackberries and chestnuts just to name a few. Those are some of our favorite memories now. If you don’t have a family, make one. I have a cat who is my best friend. Yeah I said it. The cat. No one around me cares because they are evil and selfish but I would never give them the satisfaction of giving up. Find a place that is lonely and secluded, make it yours. Connect in your heart with God and truth. Suffer nobley. Remember that this material world is transient and fleeting but how you conduct yourself matters a great deal.
Thanks for the reply. I admire your faith, I wish I had the same. I tried so many times to have a belief. So many psychlogist that give up on me. I appreatiate you took time to answer, sometimes I just try any random website to let it out. My family cant accept my decision to kill myself, so I started lying, and I will finish the job. I think in 2 years I will have enough money to give them a good life. By the end of the day the only thing I learnt from this world was how to make money.
I glad that you got my reply! So many times I would try to reach out for help and it kind of surprised me that no one ever responded. When I read the words saying you admire my faith I felt ashamed because I have had true spiritual experiences and I KNOW there is God and his son and that the KJ bible is true even if there are translations and obscured passages and meanings. Despite that I struggle with anger toward God and apathy about my spiritual situation. I still get caught up in the fantasy of this world and deal with emptiness now more than ever. I find myself envying those with family, friends and lovers. I wonder why they have it so easy and I have had this life and can’t even get a decent job. You say that making money is easy and comes naturally, have you got enough to take a trip somewhere? I moved around to different schools and states when I was younger and believe me, being somewhere else can make a profound and lasting change on your outlook and how you feel. Maybe you and I were brought here for some greater purpose so keep your head up please. What if some lost soul reads our conversation and can take heart in it? Purpose and connection to others is so important. Thank you 🙂
Your English writing is very good. It’s admirable that you want to make sure your family is taken care of. That says a lot about you as a person. It can be challenging to go through things alone that people close to you are not able to heal or understand. I get the burden of that because that has been my life to the point where I stopped making relationships with other people. I feel like their is no point but you are blessed to have that in your life. I feel empathy for you, making your relationship makes you feel more lonely or obligated. I don’t know but sometimes it’s hard to see the sun when you’re sitting in a dark room. I tried meditation myself, self hypnosis, still trying but I feel like there is nothing in this world. At least how people say. However on those days where a stranger will compliment you or random events happen in the day to make it special. I think that is ‘God’ in a way. When there is nothing like that I try to be that for other people. Such as I seen a homeless man sitting outside alone at Easter. He saw me stare as we made eye contact. I went into the grocery store finally after months in my room. Came out and handed him a bag of oranges, some chocolate mini eggs for Easter and a handful of free coffee coupons. Only cost me less than $2 but I could tell he was surprised. So when nothing good happens for me I try to create it for someone else. Even though it doesn’t make me feel good/bad or anything. I do it because I can and I’m still here.
the black and white without purpose,. that’s me. in the past I had kids to take care of so that was my purpose but now they are all grown and there is no purpose. no social connections. moved to be with a lady and she had an affair and left. kids had all grown. only thing preventing it is not knowing what will happen after death, watching many NDE’s and they say suicide is cheating or it goes from feeling the pain to an eternity of being the pain like there is no escape. tried anti-depressents and they made it worse. tried working out and that sometimes helps but the lack of appetite means no growth from it so why bother and who am i working out for anyways. tried flirting and it helps a few days until i grow weary of the people I’m flirting with and shut them out. and again, to what purpose, I only spread the misery when I shut people out but when I’m miserable, I don’t want to be around anyone, just want to hide and die but I can’t die because it’s just cements the misery into place eternally or at least that’s what the people who have died and come back say so there is no escape. there is one escape,.. fasting to death is okay to do but again, how do you do that with a job you have to go to…. so , quit the job and fast somewhere praying until death takes you.. that is the only way out.
Your kids love you, and would miss you. They would suffer immensly if you were to carry out this plan. They would spend their lives traumatized. You could always keep trying new things. Maybe try drinking a strong cup of St John’s Wort tea several times a day. Take a long walk. Your life is valuable, and you’ve done many great things. You raised wonderful people! Your life is worth living because you are a valuable person. Love yourself. Every day is a new day. Treasure yourself. Your life is a wonder. Please realize how good you are. Don’t give up!
OK, here is one for you to ponder… I am not depressed, have been married for over 25 years, have good health, am well-educated, am financially stable, and I have a job where I help kids (and teachers) all day long with their emotional problems (a very satisfying and rewarding job).
I want to die. I want to stop living. I experienced happiness, that was nice, but now I do not feel connected or happy about anything. I do not feel like I have a close friend or a wife (even though I do). I do not feel like anyone cares about me ultimately, but that has not changed my pleasant demeanor when I am in public. My heart feels like lead. I do not care what people will think or feel when they hear of my death, as that is a problem of the living.
Actively killing myself is scary. A gun, a knife, a razor, a car are all easy weapons. I have been afraid I would flinch at the last second.
Am I suicidal? If I say yes, all kinds of procedures and precautions and interviews and hospitalizations and therapy will ensue. So, my answer is no.
Will I die? Yes, someday we all do, but there are lifestyles and techniques to shorten one’s life without overt violent action and public attention.
Like my heart and desire are withering away, so will my body.
If you have the financial resources, I suggest you seek psychotherapy from a reputable therapist trained in psychodynamic theory and/or psychoanalysis. Treatment can help you get at the unconscious psychology behind your anhedonis and sense of emptiness. But beware, treatment is lengthy and requires a great deal of emotional investment, but the payoff will be to find meaning and your passion for life again.
In the interim, engage in daily aerobic exercise that pushes your limits. Research bears out no better antidepressant.
Suicide is real and happens for many reasons. My family has struggled with depression anxiety and more. When we were younger my mom would get mad over my brothers being so bad and she would say we are gonna miss her when she is gone. I remember I would cry every time while I was younger then I got use to it. She would drive around then eventually come back home. Fast forward about 20 years. Both of my brothers, they were twins committed suicide. I have terrible anxiety when it comes to death but I find myself finding life to hard after my business just isn’t going how I planned. I don’t think its the easy way out but the only way out. I would never do it to my mom as she lost my bothers that way. But in a way I wish it was me instead of my brothers. They had a girl friend and kids or a wife and kids. I am gay and just have a failing business. But my family is poor so I cannot get help and my mom was adopted and he adopted family is dead. So I can’t get help in anyway. But everyday I wake up and think of reasons to stay.
Hi, I don’t normally comment on this sor of thing but I felt I ahould. It annoys me that professionals feel they have to save you but you don’t wish to be saved, they just can’t comprehend that. There are some people, like me, who have a deep desire to die but are really hopeless at the act. We don’t have a reason that people can pinpoint as the cause in order to address, we just feel this life has been messed up a little too much and it needs to end. I don’t see the issue with that but mental health professionals do and try to prevent it. In some countries I could actually be euthanised at my request for mental health issues but not in my country which is very frustrating. I don’t believe I have mental health issues but they have to stick a label on everyone.
The article needs to consider the different phases of life as the perspective changes.
When you become elderly and the path forward is full of financial and medical problems suicide becomes more of a rational consideration since you only have a few years to live anyway.
57 year old successful businessman. When I read about the misery that many have expressed, I am astounded since my circumstances are so much better. In my case, I have children 17 and 21 have mental health issues that seem likely to prevent them from living happy lives. They have depression and anxiety and substance abuse issues. Their misery is mine.
I am devastated that forcing them to move 2 years ago may have contributed to their issues, though I know that those were present for some time before.
My children’s unhappiness and inability to cope with simple life skills including work and school makes me believe I have failed in the single most important work of my life, raising healthy and well adjusted children.
Each day, I welcome the relief that death would bring. Only the impact that my death would leave others with prevents me from that end.
Why am I sharing this? Not sure, except that maybe it will help some understand that suicidal thoughts are hardly limited to those facing financial and professional ruin.
My father killed himself and it was the worst thing that happen in my life. Since I want to die. I’m depressed and I want my life to end. I just cannot kill myself as I know what pain it causes. You making a decision of ending your own life will automatically destroy your children life. If you love them, you will fight for them. If my dad knew what his death would cause me, he would have never killed himself. I am now counting days. I wish I knew when my last day will be. I have a therapy but it is pointless, I see different people and laugh and smile but deep inside I just want to cease existing. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. If it wasn’t for my sister I think I would be long gone. So trust me, you dont want your kids feel the same way I do every day. Do whatever it takes to feel better.
I’m in a real rut now no idea what to do for the best
From age five to at least nine years I was abused and raped by a friend of my parents ,did try telling my parents as a kid and when I was in my twenties with a child of my own,I wanted to report him to the police but my parents said it would bring shame to the family,I struggled a bit in life but still managed to give my kids a good life,I had great friends I worked and somehow stayed upbeat most of the time,I had thirteen years of violent abuse in a relationship then stayed single through choic e until met my husband,life
Was great but after only five years of marriage my husband died,it mad me seriously ill for a year but I managed to get back on track,I met a few men only to be messed around but later met a guy I fell head over heels for,I had to wait for my mum to pass away before I could go to the police about the abuse ,that was really hard doing that I had waited fifty years to try and get some revenge,I was still working looking after my dad who was seriously ill now,I never told him it was going to court,long story short,took nearly three years to reach crown court,by this time I was a wreck having to watch my dad go badly downhill and continue lots of contact with 5he police and carry on working making out everything was ok I was falling apart but plus side I had my lover rock and soulmates support,about three days before the court date I looked at my partners phone purely because mine had broken and wanted to se if I could use one like his,I really wished I hadn’t,my world crashed around me ,in his phone was revolting images of phone sex,I found he had sent loads of pics of his ck to woman and teenagers as he likes young girls and be n on so many date sites and sex sites reading the texts I was crushed and my heart broken,even after that I had to go to court I didn’t feel I could after that but I had to or my abuser could have got away with it,he ended up imprisoned for thirteen years,I waited all those years to achieve that,I should have felt such joy at achieving that but all I felt inside was nothing because my lover soulmate and best friend had just abandoned me,I’ve tried to hard to forget and forgive because I adore him,we’ve even recently married,I truly adore him but can’t stop feeling so let down and crushed,he’s recently started driving work again and now doing nights again which is where he did all his Perry stuff,it’s given me depression now becaus e all I se my future is I sit at home like the dutiful wife just waiting for him to start his behaviours all over again,all my life the people I’ve loved have hurt my so badly and let me down and I’ve started to often feel I’ve now had enough hurt and can’t take anymore and don’t have a purpose or reason to continue
I’m not even sure why or what I hope to accomplish by commenting. Perhaps, I just need to share. I don’t know. It’s just that everyday has been even more extremely painful then the last. Both physically and emotionally. And today has been my worst. I have been crying since 2 am. I can’t control it. I didn’t think it was even possible to feel more pain. It’s been 3+ years of hell in a life that was already sad and pathetic. What do I do if tomorrow is even worse. I have no one in my life. Not one person to talk to. I hit my leg two days ago. I startled myself when I yelled out loud from the pain. I haven’t heard my voice in a long time. I honestly don’t know what to do. It’s just one lonely, depressing, painful day after another. I just want it to be over.
I have bipolar disorder. At present I am in so much emotional pain I want to die. I’m bearing it as I can still rationally know it is chemical. I hope. I’m also believing there’s no hope for happiness. Every day I get older, uglier, fatter. Every day lonelier. More tired. Useless. Bad parent. Bad at everything. I don’t know why I am here. The heaviness in my chest is real pain. (Did you know Tylenol can help emotional pain?) Tomorrow I am going to call the mental health mobile crisis line if this doesn’t pass. I don’t want it to worsen. I have periods like this but this one has been lasting longer with no letup. The happiest thought I had today was what a relief it would be to go. I am going to ask them to help me not feel this way. If they can’t just do that for me … I don’t know. Sick of being sick. Tired. Poor. Bad at everything. Just sick of being.
The one thing I want to say is, we all wrote something here. We reached out and others responded, we can care about each other, even if only for a brief moment it takes to read someone’s post. There is power in that. I myself understand that it is when I feel powerless to control my situation is when I have the most pain. I feel misunderstood so much of the time, and alone. Sometimes for me, I believe if I just let all the things that are making my life so hard fall away, I can say to myself what does that matter? What matters is that I survive it. Of course if you are the one who is caring for small or even teen children, it can seem impossible because you have to be in charge of yourself to hold them up, so consider yourself a soldier at war. Soldiers don’t get the choice to sit down or go home, they persevere and they fight. They face horrible odds each day, but they know they have to press on. I have no support person, I do have one thing that really does sustain me and give me hope…that God is real, that There is a devil that destroys. To win, I have to hold on to hope and believe God is the stronger and I won’t give in. You have to walk out of darkness, it isn’t going to spit us out, we have to find something that will change our direction. People are my worst enemy, not physical and mental pain, people hurt me and make me low. My situation can get bad, but people make it hurt more. Especially family. Family should love. When they don’t, I sit in a corner and cry, but then I make a fist…and stand and go look for something that makes me feel stronger. I remember I CAN. Even if it happens over again, I at least know I can expect a strong time. Thank you all for speaking and letting me read and connect with you. Smile.
What should i live for if i have no friends or family?
Im disabled and unable to work from a spinal cord injury and am battling severe cptsd, whole body chronic pain, ocd, chronic fatigue, constant nausea and vomiting, as well as an infectious disease that causes multiple debilitating symptoms..
I have no family, no friends, no job, and my drs dont know what else to do after several years of treatment, so ive finally decided to quit treatment and have planned out my suicide.
Hoping i could find one reason to live online, but after reading countless articles, blogs ans forums, there is nothing.
I don’t know if you’re still around, but I hope you’ve found an answer. Beit here on earth or in the great beyond.
Happy travels, wherever you are.
Even as severe as your challenges are – and they most certainly are – folks in similar shoes have found a reason and the will to live. A good relationship with a psychotherapist is key. The fastest way to access services is through the ER, especially if you are on Medicaid or Medicare.
I have also lost all will to live. I think life is hard. My father committed suicide. I believe he was unhappy as he used to always say that life was hard. Since his death I’ve lost will to live. If I had a switch off button I would have pressed it million times.
I don’t know why people say that mental illness is bad….honestly, I have lost a will to live, what is wrong with that? Does it mean I am mentally ill? I dont want to suffer anymore. That’s it.
Everything I touch never works. I wish I did not have family nor friends, killing myself would be much easier…if it wasn’t for a couple of people in my life, I would be long gone.
I just dont want to hurt them.
Does it mean I need to live like that? Wanting to switch off this shit life?
Every time someone dies in an accident I feel it should have been me. At least it won’t be my fault.
Anyways, I just want to say to all people who think they have mental illness it is not true, maybe we are going through the bad times.
I dont know. Nobody knows but dont let anyone put a label on you that you are mentally ill. Life is hard and it is perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed and want to die.
I hope it will pass, to all of us.
You all have it much worse than I do, and somehow this still hurts. I have family and support but I have failed myself. All my friends and former high school companions are successful and have careers. Ive sacrificed my entire 20’s to work hard and succeed, with no social life or partying and ive now been job hunting for 4 years with 0 success. I hate myself and I can no longer bear being such an inferior and mediocre being.
hi Tod, it looks to me that there is so much social pressure around you. Remember, everybody’s path is unique and we choose how to live our lives. I get it. It is difficult not to compare yourself to others as we all do this. Last year I was made redundant and all my colleagues went to find another jobs. I’ve decided to start my own business and since it has been a struggle. I also sometimes wonder if I shall go and look for a job again…as my friends get married, start families, increase their salaries and all i can think of is how much I hated working for somebody else. I think I am choosing life of struggle. I wish you could look at your life from your choices point of view and that everything gets eventually better. Yesterday, I had my counselling session and I learned that it is all about words we use. You said you hate myself. I used to, but maybe better words such as I love myself for making such choices in my life, because I learned this and that….we can always start again. Don’t let social pressure influence you. You are unique and can always find a way. I wish you all the best 🙂
I’m worried for myself, I feel like my brain is taking me down a road I don’t particularly want to travel.
I feel like I was born with misery in my genes. I’ve been unhappy forever and life just keeps throwing shit my way. I’ve lost a brother to suicide. Then my sons’ father died and then my partner died…all in the space of 5 years. Really took its toll over the past ten years. Now my last relationship has broken down due to the brick wall that I built around myself…I keep plugging on due to having a son. If he wasn’t around I wouldn’t hesitate in ending it all. Sometimes I feel like I’m pushing him away to justify leaving this beautiful planet. I don’t want him to feel the pain I feel though. Pisses me off that I can’t just go. Smiling and laughing and pretending every day is so tiring.
Psychobabble. Try so much physical pain as you cant stand it. Easy for some licensed or not licensed BS counselor to spout. I was one. I was a cop too and a construction worker. A riot and several other injuries left me disabled for most of 30 work years. One bears throughout but now the pain is too great and they restrict your meds to live a peaceavle existence.it rajes a year or more to get disability. You can thank med docs, shrinks and crooked legislators for that. Until one tries to contemplate suicide because of physical or mental pain they have no credentials or right to speak or write about it.
Being a step parent, loosing both parents amd having medical/physical issues just begins my story. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband and all my kids (step too). However sometimes being the strong one breaks you down faster than anybody can fathom.
Bottles of wine later I debate if it’s worth pushing on. Do they really understand or appreciate? I cry all day trying to see the good.
People who choose/think of suicide are doing more to solve the world’s problems than all those who try to convince them otherwise.
It pains me to see people who post negative comments about this blog, or even worse, belittle what others have shared in their comment/reply. Society says that suicide is for the weak-minded, selfish, just looking for someone to feel sorry for them…THAT IS SO WRONG! People who are on the ledge teetering towards suicide have been coping as bravely as soldiers w/ combat PTSD. When living is so painful emotionally & even physically, it takes guts to keep living from minute to minute. I was dxed w/ depression when I was 12. Over the years, I spent so much time on psych wards after suicide attempts. I fell further after losing 2 brothers to suicide (it seems to run in our family genes) Regardless of medications tried, therapies tried — my suicidal depression required over 60 ECTS as a “last ditch effort.” (My Psychiatrist didn’t want to do them, but he also wanted me alive) They didn’t work. I didn’t want to cause more suffering for my parents, however, if they had any understanding how painful it was to live, they probably would have given me their blessings. I was not being selfish — I was surrounded by a barrage of darkness, horrendous nightmares, equally ghastly waking hours. Life was daily torture. After being a suicide crisis line worker counselor at one point when I was occasionally doing “well” — I would never call a hotline b/c I went through the same training. I knew what they are taught to say…even with that positive training & work experience…I felt without purpose, dying from the insanity rattling around my brain…I even was in a very loving partnership w/ my now-current husband…but I felt like nothing but a burden on him & the world. I would beg him to just “let me go” since he knew how deeply my pain was making me feel. There were people in my life that loved me — but if you cannot love yourself, you cannot love anyone else (“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”) I cried every day upon waking from the very real physical & emotional pain that you can feel shredding your insides to pieces; for a period of time I self-injured as an “anti-suicide” release of pain and/or emptiness for years. Didn’t work. I now work as an online counselor working w/ peers who are in the throes of mental illness — but I still have “depressive episodes” d/t the chemical imbalance in my brain — they spawn suicidal depression….but I have a excellent therapist & my husband (who stayed by my side even after all the suicide attempts.). This stuff is important to know for today’s society — for suicide is deeply stigmatized & misinformed.
I’m so alone and I’m really ugly. What’s the point? I’m 41, single, no kids. I’m overweight, don’t have any money (I’m a teacher) and I don’t see any change in sight. The world doesn’t care about single, non-moms over 40. Fuck life.
I really don’t want to kill myself I hold onto a snippet of hope I’ll see brighter days. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder just this year. Currently I am in the midst of a bad episode, my sentences are so negative and limiting, I feel hopelessness like I am trapped and alone and I will never escape. I had used illegal drugs in the past to escape and had been sober for awhile but slipped and used a little in the last day or so as I could not stand the depression anymore, there’s not much I enjoy doing and I had been attempting to keep my negativeness to myself as to not be judged, be told I’m wrong or hurt loved ones and worry them. The thing that makes it worse is my parents who won’t let past friends see me I case they are a bad influence with drugs They turn them away from our house and I’m so lonely sitting in my room feeling like shattered and helpless so I ended up using a little bit. My parents get cross at me if I go out at night asking where I’m going and making comments like it’s 9pm isn’t it too late to go out. My dad currently won’t even speak to me the love and smiles he has given me for months has just disappeared. Now they can’t even tell that I used a tiny amount But I still feel every painful judgment of my dads turned back. I was hanging out with a guy and my dad instantly dislikes me hanging out with men full stop it’s very odd and controlling I wasn’t having sex with my guy mate we were playing instruments, drawing and talking all-nighter. It was heaven compared to the feeling I get at home. It’s like I’m so ultra sensitive I pick up on my dads negative emotions towards me and it hurts so much. It’s as if he’s trying to punish me just in case I took drugs or had sex with a guy so I’m not having any fun. This is so horrible and am hurt that my dad cannot be there for me with no judgement, I’m not acting ridiculous or being loud or doing anything I’m applying for work sorting out my Centrelink smoking cigarettes looking up to the sky just wanting to end this pain it’s been about 4 days of miserableness, first two days I managed not to use but because I was so low my dad was getting suspicious I was using when I wasn’t so he can punish me. Right now I can’t stand being here, being in this house. Having my mum walk into my room to check on me regularly asking me what I want for dinner. I don’t want anything for dinner I am sober but I have zero appetite, I hate living so much that I don’t even want to eat at all. Past 4 days I’ve had in total 2 weetbix, half a dozen chewing gums and just cups of tea constantly and cigarettes nothing else. I’m so tired of being an emotional roller coaster having to mute myself from people around me so they don’t judge me for my negativity and bleek feelings. Truth is whether I use or not it never relieves my pain. Everyday I feel great amounts of pain. And ppl in my family add to my pain and embarrassment by watching my every move trying to control me, openly discussing my bad decisions with one another. None of them have any idea how impossible it is for me to live. This just seems never ending and I know some critics will say well stop using drugs but I do, I stay fit healthy drug free for long periods of times 5 months last time and time before 7 months. I just get to a point I can’t stand living anymore and need to escape or alter my state even just a little bit it doesn’t work but it doesn’t get worse either. I look really healthy and in peak health but inside I feel crumbled, dark, bitter, damaged and so impossibly trapped for what it seems like eternity. It’s been years and years years my whole 32 years of being alive I haven’t enjoyed much at all perhaps the odd pat of an animal or flirty moments of motivation seconds of clarity or the warm of a temporary loves hugs. I just want to scream let me out of here. Everything is completely joyless and I feel anger circling inside me but I won’t let it come out and live. It’s towards my family who treat me like a drug addict, who dictact what I’m allowed to do who share there opinions on everything who I can’t talk to because they have no idea what I’m going through. Sometimes I slip and tell mum or my niece how I’m feeling and I immediately regret it as I get unwanted responses like sorry I don’t know what to say or your got to find your thing you like doing, find the perfect medication, go to the gym. I do absolutely everything I can to be healthy to ease the intense emotions and it doesn’t get better it never gets better just a slight difference in variations some days I’m blah some days I’m HELP other days I’m like hold on it will get better on a good day I’m spending a total of something like 20 minutes feeling average which is the closet to happiness I get. I’m trying to get involved more in reading, action, conversations about the meaning of life spirituality the matrix lol brief distractions from my ultimatum of should I stay or should I go. As time goes on I’m tempted very tempted imagine if I were to kill myself and the pain is all gone wehat if we are enduring all of this world for no good reason there’s no reason to grow change grow reliance earn respect love have relationship what happens if it’s just all nothing just an unfortunate existence that lives endures dies and aliens watch and wonder how do these humans do it try and convince themselves they are here for all these ridiculous reasons that there’s something grandeur at work. We are fucked well I feel fucked I feel like I know the truth. My dad just walked into my room that second drunk asking what I’m doing and I decided not to talk as to not encourage a conversation with a drunk that will eventually yell at me and then he walks off and comments oh your on the stuff are ya implying that I’m on drugs when I’m sober and he’s the one drunk! God I hate him the clueless mean judgemental double standard controlling righteous fool. Does he even think about what it might do to me to be degraded like this constantly it’s almost like I should just go find some heroine that I’ve never actually tried it before but I’ve heard it takes away all your pain and you float on a fluffy cloud and the biggest reason would be I could overdose easily one problem is I don’t know how to inject and then I get that tiny voice in the back of my head what happens if you do get out of all this.
I am in despair. I do truly want to live, however I feel I have no purpose and can not break free from my depression about my life. I am 48 now, have 2 college degrees and have worked throughout my life. At 35 the economy of 08 devastated me. My business went under, I lost my house, credit, job, one child passed away and was left penniless. I had it all, now no one wants to hire me at my age, even at starting pay. My friends stayed at their jobs and are not very motivated and have no education, but they are happy after 25 years at the same job and are ready to retire with full benefits and pension. I am starting over and am very depressed. I find myself beating myself up everyday that I should have stayed at fedex, or stayed at UPS, but I didn’t. I would have been ok right now and ready to retire in a few years. Now I can not get into those jobs again because you have to start from the bottom and they won’t hire me at my age, even though it is illegal, they still do it. I have nothing, and can not feel this way another morning. I am truly lost.
Hi Tony,
I saw your comment.
Hope your day is good. Have you found a job?
I know how you feel when faced with the difficulty trying to get back to work at this age. You are not alone. Do you want to talk more about it? You can write to [email protected]
Yes, the pain is too much. Everything feels hopeless. I feel horrible and worse than worthless. I am overwhelmed by the pain. I need it to stop. I need peace and rest and healing. I need peace. I need the pain to stop. There is no hope. I can not bear it.
Sending you loving thoughts and prayers for healing. You are never alone. God is with you always!
I found this forum today as I was looking to find refuge from a profound emptiness, hopeless, a never ending sadness, of feeling like I have been running and running for a very long time, but going nowhere. I am able to look at depression and suicide from both perspectives: as the caregiver, the supporter, whose job it is to keep the severely depressed person alive while dealing with myself: the depressed person who is struggling with day to day living. You see, I was both, a caregiver and a person-living with their own Dysthymia/Mood/Anxiety Disorder. My brother was a disabled gulf war vet with Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder. He took his own life 5 years ago. The constant battle of a family member’s drug abuse, alcohol addiction, the emotional turmoil of the a family member’s continuous suicide attempts and ongoing rehab stints, the desperation of trying to keep a person alive who doesn’t want to continue life in emotional pain, all of this while enduring the pressure from our Mother to keep her son, and my brother, alive at any and all costs including my personal health, and my marriage.
During the time of caring for my brother, my husband was remodeling the home I purchased before our marriage. Granted, my husband was also extremely stressed and at his wits end. He removed all the interior doors to the house and all the window blinds and threw them away because he said he “didn’t like themâ€. He removed the entire master closet because “it didn’t work for him.†He repaired and repainted one wall 6 times. Now we have no interior bathroom or closet doors, no blinds on the windows and no functioning closets. He says he is too tired and overwhelmed with his job to do anything on his days off but rest and shoot guns. He doesn’t want to talk to me because I “don’t say anything positive and uplifting to (him)†and†all( I ) want to talk about is negative things like what isn’t done, repairing the house.†We haven’t had a vacation in 14 years because the only time he takes off is when his family comes from out of state to visit.
I really don’t want to or know how to continue on…I had cancer last year. I should be grateful to have survived! Instead, I want to leave this earth and be done with all the nonsense in my life. I’m exhausted: mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
If I didn’t have a sliver of belief there’s a God who would sentence me to eternal damnation I would have killed myself decades ago. Life is sh–, everything is sh–. Only the evil win.
Hi Suck,
I saw your comment.
Do you want to talk about it?
I welcome a friend, my email is [email protected]
I just want to stop the pain of way too many relationship hurts from childhood until my present life. I just cannot stand to be hurt one more time – just too much over too long a period of time and it never seems to stop.
I really try to take this to heart. It hurts me right now because i’ve Been having suicidal thoughts recently and I don’t know how to keep going. My family members don’t seem to understand the pain I go through and neither do my (mostly fake) friends. I often feel isolated and depressed. It’s so hard for me to confess about my feelings fully to any person around me and I hate being all bottled up inside with no one to confide in.
No one cares about your and my pain. Mine started July 10th 2012 on the way to work and a guy runs a red light and hits me going 50 60. It sounded like NASCAR while I bounced down the road. I have hurt every minute since. I’ve asked God 100s of times why didn’t he let me die. Paul says death is better than sin. I think about that everyday. I know one day I will blow my brains out of my head. The only reason I haven’t is because I constantly ask God why?? Everything is his will so I ask why Lord?? What do you want from me? What do you want me to do? Please let me do it and take me out but please I beg no pain. I just can’t take no more pain. This fools that want to condemn pain pills are uninformed idiots. NO ONE knows what chronic pain is unless you have it. I always wonder if we who commit suicide will go to heaven. Lord? When a old horse and a couple of aunts die I’m out of here. Maybe the old lady down the road too. There is a handicapped vet I worry about. If the pain would just move around some. It is always the exact same spots throbbing. Lord please don’t forget me!!!!
I had a moderate tbi needing facial reconstruction in 1979 . It seems that doctor’s either don’t know what to do or don’t believe me when I tell them my symptoms with this much time gone past. I have been diagnosed with Dementia. I have also been in severe physical pain for years. More broken bones than I can remember, tore ACL, rotator cuff surgery, 6 hand surgeries, three fused vertebrae, ruptured and herniated disc. My wife and I are going our separate ways in a couple of months. No recreational drug use. I drink maybe a couple times a month. I am there. The physical pain alone is too much. I understand the desire to move on. But it also rips my heart out when other people take their own lives.
Only posting this to get feelings out. Depression is such a nuisance. I am so tired and in so much pain. I’ve had depression since I was 11 years old. I’m 21 years old and it doesn’t get better. It seems like you always reach a new low and you’ll never escape it. I know people say it gets better but I’m not stupid, I know for some people like me we’re stuck with it forever. That just seems like a life of misery. I’ve tried killing myself 3 times, and I’ve spent many years thinking about killing myself. Many days it’s even all I think about. While I’m sitting in class it just pops into my head, or while I’m talking to someone I hear “you should just kill yourself†and man I really should huh lol. I’m so tired. I remember when I would be depressed for a month, but then had a few good days. That was over 6 years ago and there’s no such thing as good days anymore. Man what would I give to have a few good days ever.
I feel committing suicide, is ending the pain one feels every second of the day. I feel this way everyday. There’s no relief. Except, sleeping, if you can. Suicide is a last resort. When you’ve tried everything else. When you turn to the only ones that you think loves you, for help. Just to get turned away.
Hollow consuming void.
Can’t go on.
Can’t end it.
Perpetual failure via human form.
Craving “not to be” but forced to be.
No hope.
No end.
Maddening inevitable future.
I live in a emotional tormented life I am unemployed and seperated from wife but I don’t have money to get away from her. I live in basement Everyday she treats me like garbage and makes me feel worthless. I want to die. I want to leave this crappy world. Finally she can’t control me anymore.
I was diagnosed with PTSD and BPD last year. I overdosed on pills once. I don’t think I was actually trying to kill myself, but definitely wanted to end up in the hospital. I got violently sick. It’s the same reason I engaged in cutting. The emotional pain was so intense and overwhelming. Since then I have frequently struggled with suicidal ideation. A few months ago I tried to get out of the car and run into 55 mph traffic. My husband had to grab hold of me. That time it was the work of a moment–no plan, just impulse because of the immense emotional pain.
Once, I tried to tell my sister how down I felt, and that I sometimes thought about ending my life. She told me I was wicked for thinking such thoughts, and that I had no appreciation for the gift of life. Gee, thanks, sis, that sure made me feel better. I don’t talk about it with my family anymore, except my husband. They don’t understand, and make no effort to.
Would I actually do it? I hope not. I don”t really want to die. I just get into such black moods with my illness. Such self-hatred and hopelessness. I think about how my death would affect my loving husband, and my beloved kitties, and that stops me. But I wish these thoughts didn’t trouble me so much.
I just found this thread and I can relate to everyone posting here. I think about suicide every single day, it’s become an obsession and I cannot stop. My life choices have been catastrophic, I have destroyed my career, my physical health is poor and to make matters worse I’ve just married a young Arab so that he can stay in Europe and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I cannot live with the knowledge of what I have done, I spend nearly every waking moment online reading forums like this to find some respite. The only thing holding me back from hanging myself is my sister and her family, they would be devastated if I took my own life, but I’m getting closer with every day that passes. I’m in therapy but it doesn’t really help, I cannot take antidepressants due to the side effects and I’ve been in the psych ward three times this year already. I simply cannot bear living anymore but I’m too scared and weak to end it all and the suffering has become unbearable. I’ve scared away most of my friends and family members, I’m trapped alone and terrified in my head and nothing at all gives me any pleasure whatsoever. I just want this excruciating mental anguish to stop, I keep on imagining the life I should be living instead of this hellish nightmare but knowing that all I have to look forward to is more pain stops me from making any headway to change. Thank you for reading this and good luck to everyone in a similar situation.
I’ve been fighting the need to end the pain I’ve been feeling for about 11 months now. There are days it hurts so much, I truly cannot function. The emotional pain hurts alk over my entire body. I’ve never in my life been this way.
I’ve always been a person who truly loves and enjoys life. I wanted to live forever. I never thought I’d ever find myself in a place in life where I thought the only way to stop hurting was to simply die. But here I am.
A few nights ago, my inhibitions were lowered enough to where I was ready to finally end this. I went upstairs to find the keys to the gun case bit they were not there. I went over to where the gun case is kept and that was not there either. I sat in the middle of my bedroom floor and uncontrollably sobbed. I wanted out so bad, and my chance to finally do had passed. The moment only lasted long enough for me to complete what I’ve wanted to do for ao long, the gun was gone. Now, I’m stuck in this internal circle of hell, and I can’t escape. Im not sure if I’m grateful with my boyfriend for selling the gun without telling me, or resentful for taking this chance away.
I don’t know what to do.
I am feeling like there no end to my pain and every day it hard to get up. But do for my kids, they need to be taking care of and I have keep my husband happy. I feel like I am drowning in my own tears. I have okay day then bad day then worst day then whole bomb of pain drop down on me and it just so heavy that I sank down and stay down. I am moving doing house work, helping with homework, have sex with my husband and I am just not their. I am just feeling the only way out is to end it. But I know that not the only way but all this pain it consume me every day and it hurt damn much.
My mom had 3 heart aneurysms burst at once. She was put on life support but was brain dead, so we had to take her off the life support. It took her 4 days to finally stop breathing. I was in the ICU room watching the tube drain the blood from her lungs into a tank, her breath getting more and more shallow and the color slowly fade from her skin. I remember sitting there Googling frantically things like “How long does it take to die after being taken off life supportâ€, “Does a patient feel pain when brain dead but still able to breatheâ€, etc. I really thought maybe it was taking so long because she wasn’t ready to die and could possibly come back from the brain dead state. I kept hoping the tests were wrong, that mom could live. She didn’t.
Then to top it off I come home after all of that and am called up by my sons DP to tell me he is autistic and only able to function with the intellect of a 12-18 month old and may stay that way the rest of his life.
I can’t help but either no longer believe in God or at least feel like if there is one then he’s an asshole. Why do this to people? Why give my mom THREE damned aneurysms that cant be operated on? Why give a kid autism and ruin their whole damn life?
Every day it is working at a minimum wage job where at least one person a day has to make it their goal to talk to me like I’m a piece of garbage because I can’t find something in the store for them or am not able to give them their stupid refund because their dumb ass doesn’t have their receipt.
Then I clock out and go pick up my mentally handicapped son whom I love dearly but holy hell he’s a handful, I’m constantly covered in scratches, bite marks, and bruises.
I honestly feel like I’m going to snap one day. I did almost drive my car into a tree..a couple times. I stopped because I didn’t want to mess up a nice car my dad got for me. Not because I would die.
I some times imagine what if one day I snap at work when someone’s being a jerk and just hop right on them and smash their face in. Then I could at least go to jail and get a damn break.
I have to remind myself over and over there’s more nice customers than bad ones. That my mamma was strong, so I need to be strong too. My boy needs me. I don’t trust anyone to be as patient with him as I am.
I feel so stuck. I’ve been to therapy. I don’t take meds since I have reason to be stressed and sad, its not just in my head. Popping remoron or paxil isn’t going to make life not suck.
On my birthday December 13th I’m going to have my parents take my 4 children for the night and while I’m alone in the house with my wife of 11 years who wants to divorce me I’m going to hang myself in the garage. I can’t hurt anymore. She was unfaithful toe before our marriage and we’ve had a few hiccups along the way. I became resentful of her for hurting me and became verbally abusive and very insecure after that. She refuses to get help for us. I’ve been going to therapy and been healing and growing positively for 10 months. I’ve 100% without a doubt changed and know I’m capable of having a healthy relationship with her. She doesn’t care. She’s done. I don’t believe in divorce and I don’t want to maybe get to see my kids. That’s just another painful reminder. I’m sick of the pain. I’m done
Please reconsider. Please don’t. I’m so glad that you wrote your true feeling here, because many of us completely understand. Each day will get a little less painful. A tiny bit. I promise.
If you do this, it will absolutely terrify your kids and your other family members. Never mind your cheating wife. Her feelings don’t matter here. But your kids do. They will forever blame themselves.
Please don’t.
I know it hurts when someone we love does not appreciate that.
Ive lost my dad to suicide 3.5 years ago. Soon to be 4. I cannot describe how it has changed my name and how depressed I’ve become. I still have a life to live but I don’t know how when nothing makes sense anymore.
I tried therapies and they do help and only after almost 4 years I slowly stop grieving. You have 4 beautiful kids. They love you and they need you. You may not realise this now but you are their rock. Love is there for you.
I by no means tell you this because I want you to think of a pain your decision will inflict on your children although it will. I know we who suffer lots of pain we don’t want to die, we want to live other life without pain.
Today ask yourself what you can do to live another life. Your wife chose another path and you have your own and your children will support you, at least love to your children.
I know that if I could turn back time I would tell my dad how much I loved him.
Trust me the pain will go and you will be able to rebuild your life with someone who truly loves you for the good heart you are.
I hope you can read this message and feel the love I am sending to you. Maybe we are on the other side of the world but the Energy will transport it to you and warm your heart.
I believe we can rebuild our life after any tragedy. Im trying after my dad took his life as he wanted to end his suffering. I know deep inside that you want to live but not live like that. I also know we have strength and we can slowly step by step change our life.
Believe me I am in a situation when it cannot get worst. One week ago I was laying in bed contemplating again how to die fast and end the pain. I then came to the realisation that it wont solve any problem. I reached out to 2 books and they helped me. I started taking small actions daily for my wellbeing.
I know it is a long way but I dont want to die. It would be easy way. I want the pain to end. We all want the pain to end but with LOVE. Love to your children, love to your friends and love to yourself. I believe in you. In your good soul and please remember that at any moment in life someone there on the other side of the world cares. A whole lot. I am sending you my blessings and I hope you could respond to my message. Bless you
What I don’t see discussed is the reality is senior citizens who are in the bottom 3% & are stressed about not being able to pay our bills. Not everything can be fixed with therapy or meds.
I’m not a very good person, but I am such a good shape shifter that many people like me. If only they knew the truth.
I don’t deserve to live but suicide sounds horrific and painful. So I am trapped.
I pray in bed at night for a terminal disease. Ironically my poor brother who had everything to live for was the one who got claimed by cancer. It should have been me.
If you were to meet me, you’d have no idea of the depth of my problems.
I think far too many people look at this issue with a very narrow focus and believe it was “this” or “that” which caused these feelings (and eventual actions). Sometimes we, the suffering, truly do know and understand the truth about ourselves. For me it was finally learning that people honestly do not like being around me and will only do so when their is some means to profit from me. Ie I have something they want or can do something they need. Once they have what they want they have no further need of me and I am left alone again. Being ignored and rejected hurts FAR more than just being lonely. Add to this a childhood filled with trauma from parents that actively did not want or like me and I am almost at the limit to what I can take. Life just is NOT worth the effort, energy or pain. Now my body is breaking down and I am in physical agony all day and night. The pain is so bad I can barely stand upright most days and cannot get more than a few hours of very bad sleep per night. This easily takes me beyond my limits and I am ready to take action. But now I am left with a difficult choice as to whether to say goodbye to those few I care about or to just do what I need to do and just disappear. I know there is no help left and this is the best it will ever get. Not hurting my kids is the ONLY thing that keeps me going but now they are not kids and honestly have no need for me any longer. I truly have no purpose left in life and the pain I am in all the time precludes any chance of finding a new purpose. Even if I did find one I would still be alone so I cannot believe that it is worth it to continue. Everyone talks about their long-term plans…except me. Mine are the type that no one wants to hear and no one wants to talk about. I have to be very careful with my plans as any misstep will derail things. If I do things right no one will ever know what happened and no one will talk about what a selfish ass I am. They will all just ask “Whatever happened to him? I haven’t heard from him in years” and everyone’s answers will be the same: “I don’t know”. With a little luck within 6 months I will have disappeared with no one knowing where, why or how. There is no happy. There is no better. There is no hope.
It’s sad to see so many depressed people with mental and emotional pain. But I haven’t seen anyone living with physical pain. Chronic pain. Someone with no medication like myself because my RA doctor thought it was prudent to abandon me. This article didn’t help me. I want to end my physical pain.
I’ve been a victim of child abuse. I have lost many loved ones. I have suffered at the hands of many shitty people. I believe I worked through that. My reason for losing the desire to live? Pain. Constant and unrelenting physical pain. I’ve tried alcohol and drugs, prescription and street. They don’t cut it. I am done. I no longer live. I barely exist. I’m tired of waking up every day to pain.
I don’t know what happened to me however my life has felt like a very badly played game of chess. At 38 years old I’m at the point where all I have left on the board is a king and a pawn. The end is inevitable… there aren’t many moves left. I don’t like anything about my life. I haven’t managed to make a career for myself, I’ve failed in some way at everything I’ve tried. I have no relationship, no children, no assets and not much money. I’m barely existing. I can’t be bothered eating. The pain comes and goes, some days are excruciating, other days a little less so. I’m intelligent and reasonably handsome… yet wracked with so much insecurity and self-doubt and I can’t see a point to anything, I can’t see my life getting better in any tangible way nor do I have the strength to do so anymore.
I have well thought out plans for how to end this life with virtually no pain, and I contemplate with the possibility of just disappearing in a way that I will not be found. I feel sad for my mother, and to a lesser extent my father, who will be devastated and yet life seems to utterly exhausting.
I’ve been in therapy for almost a year now and see little to no tangible change in myself, if anything I feel more paralysed and more hopeless. I don’t know how to turn my life around. I don’t know how to have the things that are so normal for others – a partner, a stable career, savings and assets.
I just want to talk about my plans, maybe I want to be saved, maybe not. I’m not sure. I won’t tell anyone that might potentially stop me though.
I am giving it just another month or two… and then perhaps I shall just disappear.
Hey man, just seeing if you were able to tough it out. I’m three years ahead of you in age and the bit you shared of your story is exactly like mine in every way. Just know that you are most certainly not alone with your pain of life’s circumstances. I’m only here still because no one else could know and love my dog the way I do and I couldn’t do it to him. It’s like being trapped with no escape, sadly.
I would rather die than live. My life sucks. Its no ones fault but my own. But I seem to wired in a shitty way. I cant do it any other way, and the way I do it is killing me. I wish it would kill me faster. Abusing drugs and alcohol is too slow. I want something faster. But without leaving a hole in my head or someshit like that. Seriously depressed people who have no hope, like myself, should be allowed to die. No questions asked. But no, society says otherwise, or wait, MONEY says otherwise. To all people motivated by money, I would kill every mother fucking last one of you if I could. But Ill settle for killing myself instead. Some people just dont belong here. I’m one of them. I would rather not exist then continue to live nowadays.
I’m suicidally depressed because I make close to no dopamine. I make no dopamine because I live with chronic pain, all my life, alcoholic dad dropped me down a flight of uncarpeted stairs when I was an infant. Substance abuse has been linked to low dopamine. I have been on almost every antidepressant and atypical antipsychotic made, nothing helps….except got a huge help when I got to take Ritalin/Adderall for over ten years. Three years ago, the damned gov CDC made all docs stop rxing controlled meds, even to legit arthritis/insomnia patients who followed all the rules…because the CDC and DEA couldn’t keep all the illicit drug abusers from od-ing and killing themselves. So its now ok, per the CDC, that legit patients with depression, arthritis pain, etc commit suicide because we can’t get the controlled meds we need to function. Low dopamine plays a huge roll in depression, every level of depression, but docs never mention it, psychiatrists rarely mention it, we gotta get for the meds to increase dopamine! Cause docs won’t do their job, they don’t want to Rx controlled meds like Ritalin and Adderall, so they don’t discuss them with patients when they know damn we’ll most patients need these meds…except those with mania and psychoses. So everyone please try/ask doc to check dopamine level!! And the med to bring this low level way up!! It greatly helps depression, like night to day.
Life just isn’t worth it anymore. I’m young, people seem to find me attractive, I have a college degree, I’m in grad school. But I never helped anyone. For the last six years, since I was 18, life has been a constant struggle lacking any happiness. The last time I was happy was in January of 2018. I remember it because I was in Canada. I was with my parents. We were getting along. I sent pictures to my boyfriend who I loved.
Life since then has been nothing but strain. Assaults, being used, a restraining order against someone, illness, flashbacks, memories, cptsd stuff. No medication worked. So many hospitalizations. Medical malpractice. Disappointing and humiliating social service agencies. The gambit of diagnoses. Settling on OCD, cptsd, depression, an eating disorder, and possibly adhd.
All I ever really wanted to do was help people. Instead, I ended up driving everyone I knew away either by discontinuing speaking to them or just making their lives miserable. Even the one person I really cared about. I haven’t done any good. I think I’ll only be remembered as pathetic, nothing, or rotten. I couldn’t get help no matter where i tried or what I did. The only peace I felt was while drinking and drinking got rid of social ties.
Covid made everything worse even as I got sober. I miss not constantly being miserable but I’d have to go back to 2018 for that. I’ve really done it all treatment wise in the past six years.
I don’t think I helped anyone a day in my life. I don’t think I can come back from this crushing feeling, especially surrounded by a family that has hurt me and doesn’t know how to help. And then (and not wrongly) losing that one person. I’m done.