What happens when it hurts too much to live? Can it really be too painful to live one more moment with emptiness, depression, and despair? Yes, for some people suicide seems like the only way out.
Not every person who contemplates killing themselves is truly interested in ending their time on earth. For many, suicidal thoughts are about escape — musing about the idea of leaving the bonds that bind them to other people, responsibilities to burdens, and the despair of what they can’t change. If they could just escape it, maybe they still could go on somehow. Not right now, but after a while. They just need to get away from it.
Suicidal thoughts and actions are also sometimes paired with strong impulses and low inhibitions. This can happen with drugs and alcohol, bipolar disorder, or any personality style that leans more toward action than consideration. When a depressed or desperate mood gets legs, a person could be in real physical danger.
These are all fictional examples, but you can see how impulse plus mood problems can equal suicide.
- A person in despair over a broken relationship sits on the train tracks where the train traffic is regular. They’ve had several beers and are feeling everything so strongly.
- A person with rapidly shifting moods has had a lot of problems lately. They are driving in their car and are thinking about what would happen if they slammed into a wall or tree.
- A person who’s had trouble in the public eye and a history of depression and drug use. They become sick of the daily emotional rollercoaster, grab their gun, and load up a few bullets.
Many people each day are walking around with enormous amounts of emotional pain. Living is difficult, they’ve lost loved ones, the future looks bleak, and they feel backed into a corner. But not everyone contemplates suicide. Some hold very strong religious beliefs that prevent them from ever taking any action. Others hold an important value on life in general, and can tell themselves that there has to be another way.
Sadly, many people do have very scary thoughts about ending their life. Some come very close to the brink of action before pulling back. Others only have fleeting thoughts. The “invasion” of depression into a person’s mind can make difficult things seem much more than just difficult — they become impossible.
They see no reason to live on after their spouse has died. They see no way out of their financial troubles. They think there is no more purpose for them after their serious injury or illness. This black and white thinking can trap a person into a narrow chute, seeing their demise as they only reasonable choice. And I’m not saying that the pain isn’t real or extremely intense. It’s the thought process and judgment that balances emotion, and depression thinking just isn’t straight.
For any of you who have been down this path, I invite you to add on comments and expand on this little post. There’s no way a few hundred words can do justice to the topic except to introduce it. If you are feeling strongly about suicide and don’t feel safe, I urge you to contact your local police or hospital right away. They are trained to help you get through your immediate crisis, and then get you the further specialized mental health help that you need. And for those I have known who have taken their own lives, your deaths have made a lifelong impression on me.
706 comments
I’m moved by so many of the commenters here. I don’t have any physical pain. I feel fortunate for my job. But I have no local friends to speak of. I’ve had varying degrees of depression and anxiety for most of my life. All the usual exercises for reducing anxiety (breathing, meditation, etc.) instead paradoxically backfire on me, making me more agitated. So I can’t figure out how to improve my stress self-regulation skills. I end up too avoidant and isolated, trying to avoid agitation/overwhelm and to stay just functional. I’m 51. I’ve started suicide attempts many times throughout my adult life, coming well up into the danger zone, but I keep aborting before it’s “too late”. It’s not like I suddenly want to live; it just seems like a persistent survival instinct. Even while aborting the suicide attempt, I feel regret at my failure. I have very little spark of enthusiasm to work with. I feel like I’m just trying to fill up the time until I die; I say that I’m stuck serving a “life sentence”.
Hey, mental health professionals with your pithy sayings: The modern state of mental health practice sucks. Disability due to mental health problems has been getting worse the past few decades, despite all the “scientific” treatments and pills. What’s up with that? I’m glad that the treatments help some of the people some of the time. But the pills have been found to not be nearly as helpful as “experts” once hoped or believed they were. After being tried on over 30 meds in different combinations, with only a few successes that didn’t last, I’m fed up. And cognitive therapy? Sure, reducing negative thoughts is a good idea, but it’s only part of the story. Pain and distress come from much more than just one’s conscious thoughts, the neurology of PTSD demonstrates that. Behavioristic therapies? Encouraging our “more appropriate” behaviors (“Yay patient, you did so good today!”) is infantilizing, and ignoring-extinguishing our distressed “inappropriate” behaviors just makes us feel more alienated and defective and ashamed.
Stop looking so much at the ever-changing diagnostic labels. Look at what the brain and mind and body need to heal and thrive. There’s actually a lot to work with. Loneliness and disconnection is one of the common themes here. Too much loneliness kills babies, it severely damages children, and it’s well-documented to worsen adult mental and physical health. But psychiatry, especially in our self-reliant American culture, ignores loneliness. What about “being with”? Not “trying to fix” (which can make us feel we’re unacceptable the way we are), but people with whom “I’d like to sit with you and spend time with you”? We can’t make people love and accept us; I don’t really know how to make this work in practice. But some people are ill or dysregulated enough that they seriously are unable to build the support systems and meaningful relationships around them that they need to thrive. More generally, what about the hypothesis that our high-tech consumer culture itself is becoming increasingly toxic to healing relationships and mental health? We don’t want to go back to the stone age, but growing and thriving don’t come from pills or video games, either.
That’s my rant for the day.
Some of the things in your thread remind me more of Depression as a symptom of Agorophobia. The treatment for the anxiety may not be working because your not focusing on the right problem. “I end up too avoidant and isolated, trying to avoid agitation/overwhelm and to stay just functional.” I could be WAY off base here but, I may also be right on. Often times Agorophobia is misdiagnosed. Again I could be wrong but… The combination of anxiety, and Depression, and avoidance of social situations are all symptoms of Agorophobia. I could be wrong of course, I don’t know your situation. But the way your talking about your symptoms, it’s at least worth looking into.
I’m 54 and have been depressed since around the age of 12. I was diagnosed with dysthymia, clinical depression and bipolar disorder.
My father died when I was 17, and my mother committed suicide when I was 19. Somehow, I managed to get married and have a son. His father left when our son was 1, after I supported him through a graduate degree. While I tried to continue believing I could have a ‘normal’ life, with a stable loving relationship, it didn’t happen, and then I gave up.
I’ve been using alcohol to self medicate. Oh, I’ve tried many antidepressants, therapy, DBT, but finally gave up and accepted the fact that nothing feels worth doing, alcohol helps, and getting through each day is the best I can expect. And I did try AA…committed deeply to it, but when my next depressive episode was dismissed..”everybody is depressed”, I decided to accept myself as I am. Lazy, unmotivated, unhopeful,….depressed. And alcohol helps me get through each day.
I don’t endorse that solution, but I will never do do my son what my mother did to me….make suicide an option. Even tho my mother emotionally abused me, and I’m probably better off with her gone, she left me an orphan at age 19. I really was able to emphasize with her…she knew no other way.
Alcohol is not the best alternative, but drinking has saved my life. No one in AA would tell you that, but killing myself would be worse than drinking, don’t you think?
Joyous56,
Unfortunately, your blog in January of this year was not so joyous. I have so much empathy for you — losing your mother at 19 to suicide is way beyond “difficult”; it is a tremendous trauma that stays a lifetime with you. It was the most selfish thing she could have done, especially as a mother. This is absolutely no excuse, but I would guess that she, too, was struggling with alcohol and other personal demons. This stuff travels through generations. She was unable to think rationally and see the damage she would cause when she took her life. As a survivor of suicide myself (my ex, who came from an alcoholic mother and emotionally unavailable father), I’ve had to deal with feelings of responsibility and guilt all my life. (What if I had? Why didn’t I? If I was lovable, he wouldn’t have!) Each person takes suicide differently, but I cannot imagine the harm and hurt that this could cause to a daughter. However, if there is something beyond this life (I get a strong sense there is every time someone near me dies), I believe the suicide spirit knows it has somehow made a mistake in the realm of nature and continuum of life / death. She would not want you to be suffering her horrible mistake; at the core, a mother usually loves her child, no matter how she acts. Do you love your child?? Of course you do, especially at the times you can see beyond your depression and worries. You stated alcohol was better than suicide, but alcohol is slow suicide! It is damaging your life, and it is damaging to your child. You can’t be fully present for your child when you are under the influence! And never mind the harm to the body and mind that the Universe has provided you. It is not a mistake that You are here, and You have a purpose. Loving others and being present for your child is part of your journey. I also understand your need to self-medicate the pain and trauma, but there are better ways. Yoga, swimming, crying and talking / writing through the pain, art expression, going to the gym, going for walks or bike rides/ runs, being with positive people, finding spiritual connection, anything that brings you peace or joy instead of numbness! You do have a purpose, and being here, being present for life, will help you make it happen. (Sometimes we never know how much we affect others, and what an impact we have. See “It’s a Wonderful Life”.) Don’t let your mother’s suicide or your ex-husband’s selfish abandonment of you after graduate school make you feel unworthy. Recognize who you are and the gifts you have and put it out there! Your son needs to see that to develop his own self-worth and respect for women. Your beloved mother’s spirit will rest easier when she sees her daughter moving forward. And don’t try to do this alone; recruit positive supportive people and get reconnected to life. I wish you and your son the best, as I too am on my road of trying to live, find purpose, and believe in myself.
I expect my post will not be approved, as it seems to endorse alcohol as a solution, and I know that it’s not a really good solution. After AA, I decided to curb my drinking, not eliminate it. I don’t drink and drive, I don’t drink instead of being with people who care, and I don’t drink to the point of intoxication, or lose time at work because of it. I moderate. And it is possible to moderate. A drink in the evening curbs my feelings that another day was wasted. A drink in the evening allows me to forgive myself for my feelings of having no meaning or purpose.
Of course, acquiring a feeling of meaning and purpose, or motivation would be preferable. I’ve tried for years to cultivate these, through depression and sorrow….and I guess I’ve been motivated enough to hold down a job, to raise my wonderful son, to maintain a home…..but not enough motivation to break through into….inspiration, hope, meaning.
But drinking has helped me maintain. I’ve stopped, and the promises were not fulfilled. But drinking a bit has helped me stay alive and keep going. Perhaps the key is moderation?
I am not depressed per so. But I’ve dealt with anxiety, depressive states, chronic types of pain, impulsivity, etc my whole life. Though I’m an ADHD patient, so maybe that is different. Yet, I know what it feels like to stand by that window thinking “why?”. And, on the worst days, “why not?”. And everytime I think … well, there’s no proof I will be any better off. If there’s ANY chance at ALL to make things better again, it’s by being alive, right? I’m going through a real tough phase right now, and, reading your comments made me feel better. Not because you’re not well either, but because so many aren’t. In this world, can you imagine, how many hide their pain and despair each morning before putting on make-up or a tie and leaving to work with a smile? How many seem perfectly fine and break down in the privacy of their dark rooms? In the privacy of their darkest secrets? Maybe life is just worth being loved, even at its WORST, because if anything it makes you a fighter. And fighters survive everything, no matter how dark, because they have to. I know .. motivation speech, wtf. Love your lives, people, you only got one!!!
Being in a room filled with people, some who are family some who are friends, looking that the various interactions overwhelms me. I am single, own my own home and unable to have children. I am attractive enough, attentive and all the other tings that goes with keeping the opposite sex interested. Yet I find myself in the same situations, home alone. Obviously the previous statement is false. I really try to coincide and exist here to no avail. The only thing keeps me here is worrying about who will take care of my doggies. I am not so selfish as to end it and leave them here without providing (hopefully a loving place for them to live). I thought about taking them with me, but I think that they are happy and deserve to live to a natural end.
Sincerely
Desperately seeking peace.
it occurs to me the physical conditions that cause depression . for me i firmly believe that it started in the womb , my mother has grad mal seizures daily due to head trauma, in her teen yrs .back then the disorder was so unknown that heavy narcotics were used to quiet the seizures, massive doses of phenobarbitol were given with dilantian, these meds are given to livestock today because of their powerful nature .it is here i belive my predisposition with depression and drug need began,i say this only after 50 years of constsnt search for truth,failed relationships ,dark battles with the black dogs ,(a term hemmingway coined with depression)now with four children ,in varied stages of unclosness,two failed marriages,failed diagnoses,the only reperive is the use of pain killers and alcohol,this not something i am proud of but i,m not ashamed either,it,s just a fact i have looked to philisophy, theology,all thelove i can get from my kids ,but still i fall short,it is now to the point when i envy the dying.a lifetime struggling to fit in at school only to be riddled with learning disabilities,undiagnosed and otherwise overlookedand now the pain of a broken home for my three childern haunts me daily .it has been 5 years now and i cry mournfully every day without fail .i vaguly remember laughing but am at a loss to say when. if my kids catch me crying i say it,s allergys.i don,t have a pain threshold any more , i awaken for sleep when it comes in full crying mode ,choking as if i were underwater.i am aware of the stigma that comes with my prefered method of treatment,but i have to go with what works,i know of no other method of endorphie release,or synaptiac firing method to ease the cloud .i am considered im some ciccles as very smart and engauging,but gaurded when the mood abaates,tis happensall to often i just want to b happy to b me i,m a good person but i wont b able the continue this for long
I was adopted at 4 years and from then until 16 my adoptive Dad attempted suicide(4 times I remember) and succeeded when I was 16.Even though I was always the de-facto father(right expression?)Shortly after I suddenly felt as if the solid ground(albeit probably shaky)was pulled from under my feet.I then realised that the burden he had been carrying was thrust onto my shoulders.Now 53 years old not a moment has passed without this sense of having “inherited” unfinished business.Paradoxically this is why I don’t choose the same route-I have a job to do-“Who speaks of victory?/To see it through is everything”-Rilke
ps- I am impressed by the “editor(s)” of this site by what you allow.Having been helped by literature,here’s one that I’ve always found relevant:”If way to the better there be,it exacts a full look at the worst”-Thomas Hardy.At 17 in a world of pain it was blessed to find other pained souls even if only in the world of books.But basically it’s been fear of damnation(and/or-I don’t know)the thought of passing much pain to those left behind-Even though I feel as though I’ve worn out everyone’s love for me,I can’t be certain-I must therefore hang around till the 5th act finishes things off naturally(Jeez,I bore myself)
Dear Ron, I hope you’re still here… Just wanted to say that a dear friend of mine has committed suicide a couple of weeks ago. He also felt he’d worn out the love of all of his friends and he never believed when we said the opposite… Now that he is dead I can’t describe the intensity of pain I’m going through. I don’t know if or when I’ll be able to allow myself to be happy again after what he did. I know that his suicide is going to be with me forever, it has divided my life into “before” and “after”… It’s hard to forgive what he did but I love him still and I miss him more and more each day. So, please, don’t ever doubt that you are needed here… Have pity for your loved ones. If you kill yourself life will never be the same for them. I wish you to somehow deal wit all of your problems and be happy! Good luck and a big HUG.
Kantarella,
It’s funny, but your words resonate with such truth for me, even though my ex-lover’s suicide happened in 1984. My life has also been divided into a before / after. The suicide and sense of responsibility I felt “Why didn’t I . . .” “What if I had . .?” “Why did I . . .?” has carried through today, and with every death afterward, including my father’s and mother’s. The grief has gone on, and yes, it was nearly two years before I truly could laugh or feel joy. I did move forward, but have had a lifelong struggle with grief, as well as questions about meaning of life. There are some lines from a song that have continually given me comfort repeatedly throughout the years, and especially after the suicide (Jackson Browne’s “For a Dancer” — serendipity that it came on as I was writing this, first song that came on the radio after I returned from the funeral in 1984.) However, I would advise you — GET SOME COUNSELING! Don’t say, “Oh, I’m fine, I have to move on.” It is hard to process a suicide, especially since there is still shame, stigma, and sometimes blame clouding the picture. In 1984, my friends didn’t want to listen to me grieving. After a few weeks, I got, “Come on, get over it!” For me, the world had stopped, but I was expected to continue moving. I put it on the back burner, went on, but found throughout the years that the suicide and my lack of internal peace about it, kept haunting me. In retrospect, I really wish I had got some counseling and processed the stigmatized act. Suicide is not a normal death, and it really needs processing, particularly if you were close to your friend. Take care of yourself, his troubled soul (I believe there is such a thing; did you ever feel his presence afterward?) would want you to do that, both for your own peace of mind, and for him.
Thanks Kantarella,I’m not even gonna try to sympathise with your suffering-It would be presumptuous of me.Here’s my 2 bobs worth anyway(can’t help ourselves eh?)-I gave up on the idea of happiness so long ago but something keeps working deep down and just very,very occasionally I get a glimpse of what I call JOY(as opposed to common happiness)-A joy that’s hard,bright,full of freedom,wild courage and mad sanctity-it’s momentary but cuts through to a great depth where “mere” happiness would perhaps drown.I’ve got a theory(don’t know if it’s original)-when someone important to us knocks themselves off they take a piece of us with them;they leave some of their unfinished business with us…You know in Revelation something about “God wiping the tears out of every eye”(poor paraphrase)But first I believe that we must cry when necessary(don’t over indulge ourselves though).Also cry out against the seeming injustice of this hard world.Starting to bore myself again love.But I have to say this anyway-We must never give up because the salvation of everyone we know and have ever known(even those who left early)is (perhaps) up to us.Just bloody words I know but here’s what I hope is a pure sentiment for you- CRY WHEN YOU HAVE TO AND YOUR TEARS WILL EVENTUALLY RELEASE YOU INTO JOY.AND THIS-WE DON’T SUFFER IN VAIN.ps-You have friends in high places.Oh bugger-I almost forgot-Find as much stuff to laugh at(people to laugh with)as often as you can.
I’ve had intermittent battles with depression and later PTSD which have colored my life in ways I wish they hadn’t. Right now things appear to be on the up-and-up: I have a great new job that pays well, my family is healthy, I am intending to return to school part time to finish my degree. But the undercurrent and real story of my existence is, I feel an emptiness that doesn’t allow the world outside to reach me. I feel isolated, socially, culturally, physically. There’s the thoughts that keep circling in my head and I’m convinced there is something not right. By not right I mean I’m convinced there is something wrong about the way I am. Hard to explain, but in all my 30-odd years I’ve learned after two serious suicide attempts, one half-hearted one, and figuring out how my body reacts to certain things, I won’t be one of those who broadcast problems and share the loneliness or pain I have and do experience. It will take many, many months to plan, and I am not thinking impulsively. I’ve had years to mull over my situation, and in particular these days I am slowly losing the energy to keep on fighting. I consider myself as a highly resourceful person but the problems I face have solutions that have evaded me so far.
Much of suicidal ideation, at least in my case, is flirting with the concept of escape and how seductive and comforting it will be. Life sometimes feels like a death sentence where you are forced to go through it alive. That’s the best way I can think of to describe it.
Death comes to us all.Some people have a better and easier life than others. Stepping out is not a bad thing provided you don’t leave a bunch of problems behind for others. There is a “KIND OF” fear about taking your own life. I wish there was a more progressive study, and program that would help people that want to step out find the ability to exercise that option. For many people the problems they face are ALL TOO REAL. And in many cases the problems aren’t going to go away, and life is going to be more trouble and grief than it is worth.In Europe some countries have death programs for terminally ill people. Lots of people that aren’t “TERMINALLY ILL” are just as sick and depressed. If a drug company could develop a pill that would “TAKE THE EDGE OFF”, and at the same time help you ease out of here it would be a WIN WIN.
Suicide creeps into my mind multiple times per day, starting as soon as I wake up. That moment right before I open my eyes, I wish I didn’t wake up. That’s a great way to start the day. I have the same thoughts the author mentioned, but the one that is that rings true to me is the car crash scenario. I often wonder if it would be enough to kill me, or if I’d just get seriously injured. Then I’d be stuck in a hospital with mounting health care bills. Even in my own suicide scenarios, nothing works out right.
Every day I feel trapped by EVERYTHING. I feel trapped by the clothes I bought, and now I have to wear. I feel trapped when I get to work. I feel like I’m not worth even the crappy job I do have. When I get to work, I have this feeling that it’s going to be the last day. I imagine that my key card won’t work on the front door to let me in. Then my manager will let me in and let me go. “Sorry” he’d say, “but you’re just not fitting in here.” Fit in? You mean because I don’t want to talk to everyone, sing happy birthday, go to potlucks and socialize…does that mean I can’t perform my duties?
I feel like I’m worthless. I have no value to anyone. I’m a burden to the people that do care about me. I’m crippled because I know that they care and that they’re trying. I feel like I’m worth one-shot. Why do they keep trying to make me feel better? What is the motivation? If I was in their shoes I would have given up.
Everything I do or try just does not make me feel better. I can’t turn off the constant voices that tell me I’m worthless. The evidence confirms that. My depression has cost me jobs, friends, family, money and dignity. There’s no way for me to get around it.
Well, get another job, get more friends, you’ll earn more money and before you know it, you’ll have your dignity back. That’s all well and good, but my fear is that I’ll lose it all again. So, why even try? Why try to form a bond with someone, they’ll move away, they’ll get tired of my depression, they’ll push me away, they always do. The phone will stop ringing and the invites will stop. I’ll see them out with people I know and wonder, why wasn’t I invited? Nobody wants to be friends with someone who is depressed.
I tried several times to see mental health professionals. I just can’t get over the fact that they’re paid to care. It’s so very depressing that the only person that wants to see me, also wants to be paid for his/her time with me. In my own polluted mind, it’s feels like prostitution. “Here’s some money, please give me some attention.”
Self medication is probably the only thing that has kept me from driving my truck off a cliff. I enjoy self medicating because I’m making the decision, not some overly-educated moron with a lot of books on his shelves. I’m not going out to lunches with beautiful pharmaceutical reps, writing out prescriptions with the promotional pens they’ve left behind. I feel like a tool in their massive game of wait and see. Meanwhile, while I’m waiting and seeing, my money is making their Mercedes payments, sending their children to private schools and taking vacations to places I can only see on a map.
I’m done ranting. I’m going to go self medicate now. I hope that I don’t wake up tomorrow.
I thought I was suicidal. Every time I get sad now, I am going to write things I enjoy down. “I live for the act of living.”
i want to. can’t hurt my daughter like that tho.
I am a 31 year old nurse with severe depression. I guess you can say “terminal depression” since to me its like a cancer. I have tried to get better. Antidepressants doesn’t work for everyone, Neither does psychotherapy. I am so tired of living in daily pain and stress. I hang on at the moment for my mother. I don’t know for how long I can continue to hang on. I have studied EVERYTHING about suicide and am pretty sure it will be the way I leave this body someday. I see daily the painful ways and the torment of pain that people go through before they die. We all die and I believe we should have the freedom And choice to determine when and how we die
I lost my only child, a daughter, at age 10 due to a rare genetic syndrome. It was 10 years of hell, living every day knowing she could die at any moment. Knowing she would die, one would think I would be prepared when her time came, but one can never be prepared to lose a child. The pain can truly never be explained to anyone, it is unlie any othe pain. The only way to know what it feels like is to experiec it. It has a depth and sharpness to it unlike any other grief and pain. It is the worst, and hardest event to endure for any human. It has totally destroyed me. I no longer like being alive, I no longer have goals, plans and a future, I just exist day to day, feeling terminal myself. Sometimes I kill time by laying in bed staring out into space, waiting for my last day on earth. I have come close to killing myself twice, surprised that I lived through it. I do worry that if I take my own life, will I be accepted into Heaven. If that were not a consideration, I probably wouldn’t be here right now. Sometimes I get careless and do things that are dangerous, like driving too fast and w/o a seat belt – I just don’t care. Nothing I do day to day has any meaning, like it used to before my daughter died. My life is void of any happiness, joy or optimism; all of that died with her. I feel stuck, questioning why I am even here, like it’s a cruel joke, yet another way to be tortured.
I hate this………… Stop the world,I want to get off.
Listen to this link. The woman on it talks of loosing her daughter, she was killed during the bombings in London on 7/7. I thought it a lovely programme. It doesnt solve pain, or take it away but listening to how others deal/have dealt with loss and depression is healing, healing in its honesty and truth. One realises in such moments that one is not alone. I hope it plays, here it is.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b017lbcx
Take care 🙂
If it weren’t for my fear of hell I’d have gone through it long ago, I think I’ve conditioned myself to somehow not fear death because I don’t think I’m exactly alive in a sense either. My life is just home, school and nothing else and I’m sick and tired of it. For some personal security reasons I’m not allowed to just go out and “play” anytime I please. I hate my body guards because they’re rude and I just want them to honestly disappear from my life. I haven’t experienced what most teens my age have, no parties, no drinking (even just a little bit), no spontaneous group outings, no emphatic friends. I feel alone. My family’s too wrappped up in their own problems to notice. I hate myself for hating my father for landing us in this mess of an inheritance battle because he failed to make his last will and testament clear before he passed away. I hate the thought of him not caring enough for my mom and I to put off doing his will before he found out he had cancer. I want it all to stop…
I’ve tried suicide a few times, but I’m not very good at it. I don’t want to live because of what people have done and said to me. They have destroyed my soul. I don’t think in black and White but I simply can’t live with this much evil. When you have seen the devils eyes, then Going to God is a positive step, not a negative one. When you know that the devil walks apon the Earth, that it has friends that used to be yours, that your children love it, you co- workers praise it and that it’s anger is only directed at you, when you have seen this, it’s time to go. ” your a good teacher, it’s the rest of you that’s the problem”, “no onenlikes you” ” I have 5 team members and then there’s…, “, ” it’s you, there’s something you do to me that makes me want to kill you”, ” no one wants you to sit next to them”, ” your malicious”, ” who have you upset now?” ” if you kill yourself the bullies will have won”,
The bullies won a long time ago,
I shall go now, this is no life, I can not change myself, no one likes me as I am- living like this is torture, a living hell. I wish he’d succeeded in holding my neck a but tighter last time.
I have lost so many to death and some to suicide and I know the deepest pain when I think of that person is what could I have done, said, been there, but I too have felt the same sadness that they too must have been at the brink of to push them over the edge, and I too stop like some of you here because I have people who depend on me, even if I am not doing the best job at always being there for them I am still always here not that I always want to be, today is one of those days that I don’t want to be but I know I have to be, I read this article and comments posted and this truly is a sad and lonely world sometimes even when we are surrounded by others and they have no clue as to what our hearts feel or minds think, but still with so many here you feel alone in this huge world. Then something happens in your life and it gives you hope and something to look forward to but then that too ends or someone is jealous enough to make others think differently of you, (sadly for them if they knew you they would not really be jealous at all because you too are broken inside by someone, something, anything…) I sit alone and the tears flow freely down my face, yet I am not alone, I am surrounded by so many that really love and care for me but that is not enough, I make it through each day with a smile on my face and I go to work at a successful career where even there people care about me and thank me for being the person I am, that hey I really like you, you are always so kind and sweet, I have missed you when gone, or I have prayed for you when you were sick, we are so happy you are ok and back with us, you were missed, and this is only with my co-workers, where there are as many as 800 I know personally through this very huge corporation in just two locations I have worked, but they too cannot see the true deep pain I feel at times, I don’t think anyone really knows me for who I am or how I feel…how can someone like me continue to go through life and yet no one ever see’s this part of me. I always say this is hell and when we die it has to be heaven because this life more then not is truly hell for me. I have teenagers I love with all my being, yet they continue to think I am this tough person who can take all the abuse they put out because they know they can that I will still love unconditional even though their own father has left emotionally, physically, financially…many years ago, I have to wonder if he was ever truly here at all, I do remember a brief time in my 20 years of life with this person, an addict and I the enabler, that were actually life as I expected happiness to be, but that too did not last. I have an older child and two beautiful grandchildren whom I love and cherish with my entire being, was I always there for her, no I was a teenager when I had her, and grateful I had the parents I had too make sure we were safe and she was always in a stable environment, I have a father whom has been the only man in my entire life who has loved me without conditions and a mother that I knew loved me, may not have always liked me but I get that part. I have true friends who if they knew they true deep me would gather together to make sure I was okay but yet I never speak a work of the true heartfelt feelings I live with in my private hell, I wish I could fall asleep and wake in Gods arms and know my family would be okay but I know they would be crushed, especially my teenagers, my only son would never survive it, that is why I get up and do it all again everyday, not because I want to but because they need me and I have not come to that selfish moment yet to just let go. I have seen counselors to talk but they don’t know me, I have got a doctor and all I have to say is I think this medicine would work, and because I come across as strong and intelligent and successful he just gives me what I ask for, so what good is that?? I could take them all and fall asleep to never wake, although my luck I would still wake just slightly intoxicated for a few days, take a no doze and be back on my feet. I spoil my children to make up for the lack of their absent parent or because I do not want to be strict as my mother was with me, so I enable them as well, so what is the point in the end, I have yet to come up with the answer, I am still here as you see, I am not afraid to die I am afraid what it would do to the people who truly love me and count on me and my unconditional love. I recently started to have a friendship with an old friend and was happy with just the text I would get from him morning noon and night, it made me have happiness to think someone cared about me, but I too pushed that away by giving him my friends number as a test to see if he would use it or continue on as my happiness if even for the day, well he used her number a friend who said I would never want to get involved if he really means something to you, well he did, and she went for it anyway as did she, my hopes are they realize they have truly nothing in common and he is just another pawn in her belt, but wishing ill will is not healthy, but I see again the value of what someone says and does are not always what they say they are.I went home for a visit recently and before my plane hit the ground there was drama, lies and rumors started from a new friend who told me she felt such a strong connection with me, to wait until my plane was in the air to put out false accusations about me and my son and ill will to another friend to friends that I have had a lifetime, but funny none of them seem to be there now, all it took was one lie due to jealousy again there is that ugly word, (yet if they knew my heart they would not have any reason to be jealous for my heart and soul are broken) and that my lifetime friends have all avoided the subject, even though I spoke of it to the one who made me aware and the one whom I knew was causing this ill will, the one who felt so connected to me, spent my entire free time with this person trusted this person, to turn on me with no reason to try to harm lifelong relations I will never understand, all I can do is open my eyes and see who really is real and true, maybe I had it wrong all along, I would never shut out my life long friendship due to a rumor an unknown started without backing my true friends in the beginning and end, through thick and thin, but they have all fallen silent, so what does that tell me, are they afraid to be shut out, are they that insecure, did they not believe in the person they have known for over 30 years, over a person no one even knows where they came from but all of the sudden they are in the midst of the chaos in all of the lies and mistruths… I am just in need to write it out and maybe it will make me feel better, that is how I deal with the deep feeling of true aloneness I really feel right now, they way I cope is to write and get it on paper, maybe some of you will get it and some won’t, but I take it a day at a time and I will continue to be here for my family and true friends as long as I can, and continue to pray I one day do not break and fall to the depths of this path some have chosen to leave this world, I am in pain in my heart my soul and my health, but I continue on and encourage you all to be strong and try to do the same. I lOVE my family and friends and that is why I am here, those that are gone I am sure felt the same, but there is a thin line between here and there, and I pray for the strength to get me through one day at a time….
I am in someway releived to have found these comments, because these are the only people that understand how my depression feels, however I am angry that we have to feel like this. I don’t believe that all depression is treatable.
Not being able to find any meaning, purpose, deep connections with others, constant emptiness, sadness, extreme loneliness, sensitivity, irritability, feelings of abandonment, fear of being abandoned, etc.
There are brief moments of relief, but the cycle of depression continues. Years of feeling depressed and hopeless cause any little setback to feel like a disaster. The stress and hopelessness just piles up over the years. No one understands how a very educated, successful, “attractive” person can feel the way I do. I’m told that I’m loved, but I’m never included in plans, not considered to be anyone’s best friend and people call me when their real friends bail on them. I am the last resort friend.
All the medications, therapy, churches, books, volunteering, exercise, vitamins, etc. haven’t helped fill the emptiness and loneliness I feel inside. I’ve been fighting depression all my life, but proactively for the last 12 years. I switched so many doctors, meds, jobs, friends, etc. Nothing works. How can I have hope when I’ve tried everything. Maybe I haven’t tried EVERYTHING, but I have no more energy to give anymore. I’m exhausted. Hope is exhausting. I can’t hold down a job because my career is another layer of mental torture.
I feel like I was born this way and that I am doomed to a life of feeling lonely and sad. No one can say that I gave up because I tried so hard and took everyone’s advice. All of those efforts failed. I feel ashamed that I can’t see the positives in my life and that I can’t feel loved and needed.
I think it’s selfish of loved ones to make you feel guilty about suicide when they don’t experience the intense suffering that we feel. Maybe it’s their constant guilt over the years that has made us get to these dark places.
Your thoughts make me feel comforted—because I, too, am told that I am talented, beautiful, great at my job, etc….but I feel awful. Like you, I have been proactive in my pursuit to get the help I need to treat my depression. I am saddened because it not only stays with me constantly, but I am now getting to the point where I can no longer see where I am a necessary part of this life. My place in it, my role, is that of a “giver”…and I give and give and give. But what I need is some return—and I am tired of waiting. There is no comfort, there is no fun, there is no understanding.
I totally “get” you. Thank you for being brave and putting yourself out there with your thoughts.
You spoke what I feel. I hope that you can have hope. You’re thoughts alone are brilliant, and you should find some happiness in that expression because you pierced my soul—no one has been able to make me feel like they understand. Thank you again.
For me life definitely sucks, I am backed into a corner at every turn with no escape. My job is a place of pain, my home is a place of pain, lets face it I am so close to using the ultimate escape that I can almost feel it. I am not scared or regretful for those I leave behind are the reason for my pain. Wow is this really me!
I think of suicide at least 100 times a day. I just don’t want to live anymore. I don’t have any good friends and the older I get the more my extended family members don’t seem to care- they are wrapped up in their own families. I want desperately to have a child but just have never met the right guy. Now I’m 43 and men don’t seem to really be interested in me anymore. I just want to be done…
I’m right there with you. Over 40, single, no kids, rest of family too busy, and no close friends. A tall bridge feels like my best friend now.
Just get through the darkness one moment at a time. Then you’ll see a spark of light. That’s what I do.
Hi Sue, I certainly hope things have got better since you wrote. i certainly know the feelings you talk about. I have four kids but they are busy with their own lives and two of them don’t seem to understand my mental illness or why I can no longer work. I spent many many years wanting to die, I have tried several times, the most recent was 6 months ago and I still have the scar to prove it. Luckily I found help then and seem to have found a medication that finally helps. I have lots of bad experiences and tragedy in my life which makes things very hard and I am trying to accept now that I have bipolar and it is not going to disappear and I can no longer work. I am not suicidal right now and I hope it keeps up . I urge you to hang in there, find some help, your mental health assoc can help and there are many online resources. I too have given up on relationships as no one seems able to handle me anymore. But, the good news is that after 40 years of not being able to live without a man, I finally like living alone.No one to answer to or pick up after. Actually getting used to living alone was a large part of my suicide attempt. Keep remembering “this too shall pass” try to live in the now and enjoy the simplest of things like nature, and try meditating. You can do it, you have lived this long. Even though your family seems not to care, suicide has huge repercussions on all that it touches. Take care
Story of my life.
I’ve been lonely and it’s caused me to sinkin into depression. I also deal self-hate. I just made the worse mistake trying to deal with my loneliness the wrong way. Now, I see no other way out of my misery and horrible future. I see no light.
It is interesting to read the comments here, as I have shared or felt most of them myself. My mother was depressed all of her life, she committed suicide by way of cancer. She was extremely intelligent, she could have been a member of Mensa, her sisters were. My mom was a medical transcriptionist at a hospital, so she knew what all the warning signs were about her cancer and purposely ignored treatment until it was too late. Morphine, Valium, and Phenegran dulled her last 30 days and made her hallucinate, up to almost the last few minutes of her life. I inherited her depression, the chemical imbalance in the brain that has a life of it’s own. My depression is nearly exactly like what my mom had, so I can relate to her feelings and ultimate decision. I have been medicated, counseled, tried all kinds of illegal drugs, as well as alcohol to stop or mediate the feelings of suicide. The illegal drugs and alcohol work the best, but it’s only very short term, you always must sober up, and the hangovers from both are murderous in themselves. You then wind up right back where you started, but you now feel physically bad to go along with your mental pain. I can do anything, I am exceptionally skilled with my hands, I scored in the top 1% of all the people in the United States on mechanical and electrical ability when I was in the 6th grade, and I minored in English in High School and College. I am 52 now, my girlfriend says I look 35 and am a very handsome man. She is 38, I am able to attract women much younger than I am because of how I look. I am physically fit, I can still wear the same waist size of clothes I did in High School. I no longer am chemically dependant on anything except cigarettes, and I don’t even smoke that much. Dr. Pepper is my drug of choice. None of these things matter to me, I don’t value life for anything except it is a hardship, and I want it to stop. I see no future for myself, I see no reason to continue on, there is nothing but misery and financial and emotional hardship in my future, with no relief to be found. I posess a concealed handgun license, and at this moment have a .32 automatic in my pocket that is loaded with hollowpoints. Very effective at turning the head into splatter, especially if it’s in your mouth. I am thinking of using it this afternoon just for that purpose. I have been considering doing this for a while, and I am not afraid to die. I just have to figure out where to go to make the mess, it will be gruesome for someone to find. I wish I did not feel this way, but I have been feeling like this since I was about 12. It comes over me like some terrible storm cloud, I can feel it building before it actually hits me, I just can’t stop it, but I know when it’s coming. My mom must have felt the same way. My 81 year old father does not understand, he is one of the fortunate ones who wants to live and has never had the opportunity to experience such despair or darkness in his life, and there is no way to explain these feelings unless you have actually experienced them. When I was younger, I tried mixing Valium and alcohol together. Twice I did not make the mixture strong enough, but once I did enough to make myself relax to the point of defecating all over myself while I was unconcious. What a pleasure to wake up to, especially when you didn’t expect to wake up at all. What a disappointment, too. I messed up again, couldn’t even kill myself. This time I know that I really can, a .32 hollowpoint in the mouth does not miss nor allow second chances. I do not, however, want to impact anyone with what they will find when I’m done, even though I know I will. That’s why I must choose my place carefully, like a dog or cat that wanders off to die. They want to go alone, hidden, so no one will find them. That’s what I want, too. I’m sorry I feel this way, but I can’t help it, there is nothing anyone can say to me or do that change my feelings, it is hardwired into my brain through some cruel joke of nature. I hate it, I hate being alive, and I hate feeling miserable all of the time, I hate feeling worthless. My mom was lucky, she got to go without shocking anyone or making a mess.
im 17, aparently i have alot to live for.. i dont feel as if i do. ive failed at school 3 times stuck as a freshman. my (now) ex-girlfriend broke up with me. she cheated on me twice. kissed other men 5 times. i pushed past myself for her, i made everythig okay for us. I got past it-held on to my anger- so i dont know if i really ever got past it.and now she told me (pre break up) that she needs to be friends with the guy she cheated on me with because her friends are moving out of state and she might be getting kicked out of her house, so shell probably need a place to stay. i told her my honest feelings. i DO NOT TRUST HER AROUND HIM with good reason. i gave this girl my heart. i gave her a necklace with my past grandmothers pearl in it- i wanted a life with her- i wanted to be with her more than words can explain… im now sitting in school writing wondering what its all for… what am i doing on this earth that will ever matter… my name is jarrod llewellyn hopefully ill just get over it but if i dont look in the headlines of americas news cuz i might end up on them soon..
so i didnt get to finish writing-skool-. i didnt really say all i needed to say. so after she told me that she will probably be moving in with him i just lost it. freaked out- hyperventalating n shit- said one thing that i regret.. that i saw her cheating on me again if she goes to live with him. ok so i dont regret feeling it i regret saying it.and that right there is why she broke up with me…dotdotdot… aparently she had never been so fucking insulted in her life. gave me back the necklace and the ring i got for her and said that she just cant do this.. lemme just give you a rundown about her_ DRAMA QUEEN it amazes me how much fucking drama follows her-she lied to me in the beginning of our relationship she told me she was raped by a guy named daniel i wast far from litirally killing this man. months later she admitted to me that she lied.. so add that to all the other shit and THIS is what breaks us up.. mabye im just a fucking fool for forgiving her.. mabye i am just blined and just desprate for compaionship.. whatever it is i dont care were over i want to die you get the jist..DOT
Jarrod, you better not. I have a son about your age. He broke up with a girl he really cared about. He’s graduating from high school this year. You matter so much and it’s breaking my heart right now. Your family cares, even if you can’t see it. How you feel matters to me. Break ups are very painful. I know about those, too. Someone in this world is waiting to love you. You just haven’t met her yet. Be strong. I have you in my prayers.
I read every comment to this article (I am intensely interested in the stigma of suicide, so I read as much on it as I can.)
Two or three psychologists have tried to comfort you guys. We must keep in mind that if they were to side with the right to suicide – heck, even a right to our FEELINGS, they would not have a job. It’s in their self-interest to be biased.
1. To the commenter THERAPYFIRST: Sorry to be err, harsh, but I am GLAD you are not my therapist. You try to be nice and encouraging, but in every post you insist that suicide if a very selfish thing to do. You are a therapist! You should know that that is not something you are supposed to say to a suicidal person. I am so mad at you. You should know, as a mental health professional, that saying so and believing so is the reason why the suicide stigma exists in the first place. I don’t mind going so far as to propose that what you are doing is helping to perpetuate the cycle of suicide, in fact.
2. Has anyone heard of the poster Mur? Mur, if you are here still, please send me a pm on the forums? I go by the same nickname there. You were crying out for help in your posts and it was heartbreaking to see that you weren’t able to really get the help you sought. I’d like to be your friend…!
3. Katrin’s comment on the 4th page: So important and eye-opening! If society is to commit to TRUE suicide prevention (not the current “sweep your problems under a rug” approach), it should take heed. If we’dable to calmly discuss suicidal thoughts with the people in our lives without fearing MORE pain and isolation, it would greatly ease up the isolation that contributes to suicide.
People die abruptly and without warning every single day. Why does the suicide of a person haunt so pervasively? Because it jolts the people around them into REALITY. And the reality is that what they thought was real was fake. That’s why we must be able to discuss these things with others.
4. I wish more professionals would read comments like Andy’s on page 4.
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Suicide is the symptom of a profoundly ill society. It is a normal human response to incredible pain. More psychologists like Erika Krull should be writing these kind of articles. More reform should be demanded, though. Who else will stand up for us, if not those we have entrusted with out mental and psychological well-being?
I agree that Society is very very very messed up, kids abandon parents, Governments wont provide help for the disabled, the ill, the poor – there is NO hope in society today.
Disabled people are abused by the police, Governments, families, strangers, just because they are disabled and alive. People RESENT the disabled, working for your whole life and paying into the system then becoming disabled in an accident or because of bad health doesnt equal enough to live on, it sure as hell doesnt get respect, Cancer patients on chemo are living on the streets.
NO ONE GIVES A DAMN. And if you arent young, able bodied, employed etc you MUST be a substance abuser or mentally ill or a bad bad bad person who deserves to suffer.
Reading the article by Erika Krull- it pretty much says if you want to die you must be a substance abuser, bi-polar, mentally ill, somehow NOT normal or functional
What the hell is normal? Being as selfish and cruel and abusive as the majority of people in this messed up world are?
I am SO damnt tired of generalizations that really are nothing more then prejudices
I have read each entry..each one describing how I see my life. I can begin telling my story with low self worth from childhood to the present. Medications and counseling have shared the same comment :”…look how far you’ve gotten!” How far is that?…a dead end. I dread waking up each morning. It reminds me of all the sadness and disappointments I’ve endured and will continue to face throughtout the day. I will not end my life because I do love my family…I just hate who I am!
Life is a finite period of unbearable pain punctuated by brief moments of fleeting hope that are quickly replaced with the reality that everything is meaningless. No one really loves me or cares too much. After a few moments of their “caring” they want to end the contact and expect you to carry on through the extreme pain like a good little soldier; not as though they have any real concept of how intense the pain and despair is.
Everyone can go rot. I hate this world and everything in it. However, with the evidence I have received in this life, I imagine there likely is some afterlife that is nothing more than the same pain and loneliness but without any hope of sweet escape such as suicide.
If there is a god, he is a piece of garbage for creating such a cold, lonely and painful place filled with worthless and broken people who have no other purpose than to wreak sorrow on those around them.
I am still waiting to hear from anyone a legitimate answer for why anyone should not commit suicide. For the other people in one’s like? Screw them, why should I care about their feelings when mine have been inconsequential to them? Is suicide the coward’s way out, as so many with barely any perception of the misery involved in depression like to glibly state? Let’s see them live day after day or decade after decade in a mental hell before they start labeling someone as a coward. Is suicide selfish? NO. Selfish is expecting someone to continue to suffer so much just so the barely concerned people in their life, who can hardly deign to care, can feel OK. Shaming someone into staying and enduring misery just so the other people in their lives won’t feel a little bit guilty for their lack of regard and effort is selfish.
What is the point of life? Can anyone answer that? No, they can’t and therefore can not state that life is worth living. If life is not worth living then why should one do so, especially when everyday is a personal hell? When everyday one must watch other, less-deserving scum get all the rewards in this cesspool of humanity? When everyday one must see others unaffected by depression being so seemingly happy and in relationships?
Who cares?
Hi, if suicide is the only option, why are you still on this earth. It sounds like you have decided. I too had decided but fortunately was not successful. I felt exactly like you do. What changed? Medication that finally seems to work, lots of excellent counselling, and a decision to start living for myself and screw everyone else for the most part. I took off to mexico to take a course in teaching english. Turns out I cannot work, i finally realize i cant take the stress and was lucky enough to get a very very small disability that may let me live in mexico. Try doing something that is just for you. Don’t expect others or anything to make you happy, it took me 50 years to realize it. Think of the movie “its a wonderful life” everyone effects everyone else. If you really look at it, i bet you can find things you did in life to make other peoples lives better. I am not a pollyanna, I know how horrible it can be, i still have trouble thinking about living another 40 years but please hang in. It can get better. I really wish the best for you. BTW, I do not believe suicide is selfish, sometimes the pain is so bad we feel there is no other choice.
Whats the point?
A question, and most expect an answer. We devise our reaity with our thoughts, and one thing I am sure of is everything changes. I think of the escape , a gun is a good idea if you want life as you know it to conclude. Not a weak overdose attempt, thats embarassing if your a druggist. My answer to your question is the way I answer for myself : i assume you spent a fair amount of time writing about your intentions, your mother and the gun in your pocket, loaded… The point to not dying is to experience the hand I am dealt, feel my oxidation, have a thought or pain that is new and different, it is curiosity, and the drive to feel and experience what happens next, so maybe I can get out of myself and help give something to someone that thay can use to help them become more than they belive they are at that moment. And hopefully find the humor in my experiences that change every time, a good laugh does remove, for at least a measurable amount to time ,my constant companion therapists lable as suicidial ideation, I wait for the chance to have a good belly laugh, and if it is to be, share the moment with an honest soul who also desires to be in that moment. I want to know what is going to happen while I am alive, you already know your leaving behind, a mess.., where is your soul going? reincarnation? And dont you want to find out what is next in this life?
I attempted suicide 2 1/2 weeks ago. I have scars 6 inches long on my left forearm and 8 inches long on my right forearm. They were deep enough and I should not have lived, but I was at work when I took the fresh razor out to replace the dulled one in my box cutter… I am 27 and have 2 young children, and all I could think of was, “This is the answer to the end of my pain.” No one tells you how much it burns afterward… I spent 8 years in the military and became too physically broken to stay in. I’ll be filing for my divorce soon; he got himself put in the brig (military prison) for stealing government property. I couldn’t stand the thought of him coming back. The stress seems overwhelming. Pick and choose which bills to pay this month, take care of the kids alone (any family lives states away), why does my husband lie to me, chores, dinner (yeah, pb&j again, kids), the house is starting to fall apart and isn’t worth what we still owe and we are both moving, file VA claim (no time or energy), if I stay with this job, I will get promoted and a big raise, but I make crap for money right now, the kids are moving away temporarily soon, WHY does a 2 year old enjoy climbing out of bed and pulling the wipes out of the container 1 by 1, the mower is broken, the migraines are back… It doesn’t seem like much when I go back and read what I have written so far. It’s just that it feels so… bottomless. I don’t think of suicide very often; it just caught me at the ‘right’ time under the ‘right’ circumstance. I think maybe I’m subconsciously too stubborn to die. This was my 2nd suicide attempt, the first was in 2004 after I was raped and experienced what was later diagnosed as PTSD. Nobody to this day knows about that attempt. Turns out the whole bottle of pills wasn’t enough to kill me, just make me really really violently ill. The only thing that really helps me is knowing that there are others who understand and LITERALLY feel the pain I feel.
Ashley, I understand how overwhelming being a working mother can be. I hope you can find hope. I have hope for you, and myself, though right now I do feel ashamed and depressed. My daughter is my reason. I will never leave her on this planet. Don’t give up. The pain is worth the joy that will follow.
Oh PLEASE why do people who think they are “experts” or “informed” ALWAYS like feelings of wanting to die, of life being too painful to bi-polar, substance abuse? Death of a spouse? Finanical problems? Guilt because you have been a bad bad person? That is SO stupid and how conveniently neat and tidy for the “expert”.
So a person cant just want to die, there HAS to be a reason and a way to prevent it, drug rehab, blah blah blah Some people are just all alone in the world, NO family, NO real friends, disabilities that keep them housebound etc
Some people are living in complete solitude, with NO interaction with other people, NO love, no one to talk to day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year —
And BIG surprise NOT EVERYONE in this situation abuses alcohol or drugs or even uses them — and not everyone has a mental illness, or personality disorder
WOW imagine a person who wants to die who ISNT an addict or bi-polar?
That ought to drive the so-called experts and mental health “professionals” into a tail spin.
What DO you say to someone who isnt a substance abuser or user? And doesnt have a mental illness or personality disorder?
NO ONE knows — not the “experts” anyhow ….
HOW is suicide selfish when you have NO ONE in your life? WHO would it hurt? No family, no friends, NO ONE in your life – NO job because of disabilities. I could be dead for weeks, months, years, and if I didnt start to stink NO ONE would know – so how is suicide selfish? I own my own house, money goes into the bank, payments come out, automatically – no landlord wanting his rent, no face to face personal interaction with ANYONE, EVER except for when I go grocery shopping, and I am damn sure the clerks in the grocery store wouldnt come looking for me
I have far, far too many serious problems to ever be happy. I have tried extremely hard (but in vain) to solve them. Nothing has worked. I believe that I have been depressed all my life, but I only became aware of it as a teenager. At that point I began to long for things to be different. Nothing changed. Now at the age of 41, my problems have multiplied and piled on top of one another and nothing is going to change them. I didn’t ask for any of this. I’m simply unfit to be living in a world that constantly harms oneself. I have figured out a foolproof plan to take my own life after my mother dies. I don’t want her to suffer. But once she’s gone, I’m gone too. There is absolutely no chance for me to feel ok with the multitude of problems that I have. So I put up a false facade and wait for the right time to leave. I truly do hope that I am wrong, but up to this point, hope has not been my friend.
How do I begin? My life was great. A wife beautiful, kind and thoughtful; two children who now have their own. A decent income, a large house, no perceived illnesses. Then suddenly it changed in an instant. I had been married and loved deeply a woman far better than I. She gave my life meaning. Loneliness unbearable, silent home, depression unstoppable. She’s gone. Kids are wonderful but jobs, kids, friends occupy most of their time. I had it all with her; ripped away. They tell me one step at a time, time will heal, grief share, God, heaven, church? Does anyone out there have an answer?
rer2174:
Yes, I can relate. I live and have lived what you are describing. Your feelings are something I understand more than I can express on a keyboard. The thing is, statistics enters into the issue. The kids are so impacted by you and I. What we do or don’t do impacts them even when they are not with us. Sometimes,talking makes it feel better. And sometimes, it does not. Some of my days (and it has been 2 years now) are fine. Then there are days like today when I am not fine and I know my mind is just in despair.
So I will exercise. I will try and keep busy and I will hurt. But if I look up from today’s pain even just a little, I know there will be better days but it is hard to think about them right now.
When you can… let your mind rest by fixing on just one mind picture (not the full memory)of something you saw together and enjoyed.
Your life is better bcause of what you had. I am saying a small prayer that you know this man could hug you like a brother. I understand.
Reply to both of you: “Kids are wonderful but jobs, kids, friends occupy most of their time.”
You have both suffered the loss of a partner and are grieving.
Favouriteson you are still grieving and after two years the emptiness is still there – if you think back to the crippling horrific pain in the beginning you WILL see how far you have come, and it does get better – it may take 2,3,4 years for some people to not feel that emptiness in their lives, to be able to laugh again.
You have to give yourself permission to laugh, it isnt disrespectful to the person you lost, it doesnt mean you didnt love them
You still have children, family, friends, a job and a life. You have so much that so many people dont have —
Death of someone you love IS in fact something you will recover from. You wont stop missing them or wondering “what if” or feeling lost at times without them but you will recover if you let yourself –
Rer2174 If you find yourself stuck and not progressing through the natural process of grieving get counseling, join a group. Google the natural steps of grieving ..
Physical activity will help, running, working out, when I lost my partner I took time off work and got my private pilots license ! I “ran away” from the world that felt so empty and I found my place to escape in the sky — and it really helped because it was something new, something we hadnt shared – dont get me wrong, the grief was still there and still so strong, so overwhelming when I had to come back to earth
Because of disabilities I cant fly now and dont have the money to anymore –
Your children and grandchildren are grieving and you have to be there for them, if you arent the loss you are feeling is twice as bad for them because they will feel they have lost two people and not just one.
A man I loved was killed when we were both 24 and I grieved for years but life does go on, I still miss him and always will. Its only natural. I still cry when I look at photos – you will lost a lot of people in this life, its the natural process of life. Each one will be missed and you will grieve for each one.
But the loss will change until it isnt acute anymore, the pain does diminish over time. You will find joy and happiness again. The person you lost would want you to.
When you have children, and grandchildren and especially in your case when you are now a single parent you CANNOT even consider suicide because no one has the right to do that to children.
You live now for your children, grandchildren, you dont farm them off on other people, you be there for them, to grieve with them, listen to them, cry with them and help them through the process and in doing so you will help yourself. And eventually you will find you are living for yourself and even enjoying life again
This may piss you off but I WISH I had your life, children, friends, a job, able bodied, an income that provides you with a home, you arent going without food to pay rent, a life albeit one that has suffered a loss and hurts right now.
The cold, hard facts are that none of my meds have helped despite my taking them religiously, the future holds nothing (NOTHING) for me, and I.Want.To.Die. Family far away, spouse detached (partly my doing), job leveraged me out due to my age after I gave my whole freakin’ adult life to the company, I intensely, intensely hate the image in the mirror and have since childhood, lifelong digestive issues are a constant torment. My brain keeps replaying the memories of every mistake i’ve ever made, every bad moment i’ve experience, every bad choice I’ve made, every misstep I’ve taken, every nightmare I’ve ever had….I could go on. “Don’t be so hard on yourself” is what they say. Or, “I don’t know what I would do without you.” It’s all a bunch of B.S. I am useless…period. Previous posts by ‘enforcer’ hit so close to home. Enforcer, whether we end up in heaven or hell for having taken our own lives, I’ll be a friend if you need one.
Your post made me shake. I know the feeling of my thoughts being my enemy. I know what it is to hate myself. I also know that it probably has nothing to do with what’s going on in life (life tends to suck for everyone). It has everything to do with what’s going on inside of YOU. How YOU react to negative experiences. Most people walk around with blinders on. Somehow they are able to get smacked in the face by life and keep going, keep smiling, keep loving life. I think it has something to do with self-image. If I hate myself, then when life gives me lemons, I suck on them out of spite. The thought of trying to make lemonade isn’t even there. I don’t deserve lemonade…
This article attracted my attention when I read heading, “When it hurts to much to live”. That is exactly how I feel. I was very close to taking action last night. Borderline personality has a high incidence of suicide. Because we, (I) have such rapid mood changes.
I have been in the hospital many times for OD, I don’t feel safe in the hospital, I feel safe here. The hospitals are very negative experiences!!! The way you are treated makes you wish you were dead!
I don’t want to be saved. I don’t think I am going to get up the nerve to do it now, but since I am totally isolated from any social contact, not by my choice, plus many other factors. I don’t see any other way to not feel actually physical aching because of the hurt.
I too lost a career and feel like a useless member of society, living off the government and hate my life. The list of things I cannot accept are long and overwhelming. I try to accept them, but I do feel like “why me”?
Does anyone have the answer to a solution?
I want to ask everyone here on question – suicide is the most drastic step you can take, so why not when you feel convinced you want to take this drastic life ending step consider other drastic steps you can take, feeling as you do that at this point you have nothing to lose. That thoought should set you free to make DRASTIC changes, go somewhere you have always wanted to do, sell your house, follow a dream you had and felt was impossible for you to pursure because it was too “drastic” a change for you to make. Maybe family members or friends told you it was too crazy to do.
Another thing you could do is sit down and let your imagination go crazy and write down everything you would like to do before you die, because now is the time to just DO IT. It can be as small as go up in a hot air balloon, as ambitious as have something I write published, own a sports car, get my private pilots license, travel to Morocco – try it, then check everything that IS doable right now, after all you have nothing to lose at this point.
I would also ask you all to do one thing, please google your medications that you are on, and see if the side effects include depression, and thoughts of suicide. Your answer to feeling better may be as simple as getting off some medications you are on.
Cardiac medications, Statins etc can cause extreme depression and suicidal thoughts, even some antibiotics can do the same. So-called natural supplements such as St Johns Wort have been linked to suicidal thoughts. ADHD meds, high blood pressure medications and anti-depressants can cause worse depression, pain medications, etc Please google your meds and potential side effects. You can google “statins and depression” or whatever mediation you are on – please do it
I was taking statins because I had a heart attack in June of this year when I wrote all my previous posts on here. Since stopping this medication I have to say I dont have thoughts of suicide anymore. I’m not happy with the life I have been given, being disabled wasnt the plan.
In the past when the pain caused by certain family members was too much for me to handle I took that “drastic” step and I went to China and lived there for almost five years. A dream I had had since I was a child. It was one of the best experiences of my life ..
Dear Kindred,
Your response for those who are so depressed we see suicide as the only ‘ drastic’ option available to us, suggests to me you may have never
lived with debliitaitng depression. Also it seems many of your ideas would imply that many of us, own our own homes, have plenty of money to make those other ‘drastic’ alternative choices. Someof us are blessed to live on S.S.I. In my case that income is so small, I chose some days to buy food or medications. Your comments while well meaning also implies that a person considering suicide wants to go on living, but maybe in a totally differnet environment. For the severely depressed person the option to think through and make a clear
minded decision such as yours may not be possible.
I agree that there is a lot to a positive outlook.
I wonder if your disability has left you poor, with ongoing helath problems, little or no insurance and availbility to medical care. While a great idea in therory, it over simplifies the life of a sucidal person. Best of luck
There is a common threat in ALL these posts, “I dont feel loved or wanted by the people I love”.
Another common thread is you dont love yourselves, and for all the obvious reasons you have all posted here. BUT – You dont need someone to tell you that your are worthwhile, you dont need someone to love you so that you can feel good about and love yourself.
One small step to helping yourself would be to start loving yourself, treating yourself the way you wish other would treat you, take care of yourself the way you wish someone would take care of you, nurture you, be there for you. treat yourself as good as you have treated others.
Everyone has good reasons for feeling the way they do, but if your job and house are whats getting to you then change those things, changing it isnt as drastic as suicide. Sell the damn house and buy a boat and sail around the world ! What difference does it make if you are planning on being dead as soon as you get up the courage?
Young people who feel they want to commit suicide over a lost girlfriend or boyfriend I can promise you in a year or so you will wonder what you even saw in them !! Love hurts young people so much more then older jaded people, but we were all there once, you fall in love deepy and quickly and feel as if you cant live without the person you love, but seriously within a year you will wonder what you saw in her or him –
Not me. I’m an introvert. My problem is not because I’m not loved. I can’t imagine why anyone would or could love me, so it doesn’t even come into the picture. I could care less if anyone loves me. I don’t deserve it so they’re just wasting thier time. The thing is that during those episodes your brain just comes up with anything it can to hurt you. If you are an extrovert that often manifests in “I don’t think anyone cares”. Truth is it will use anything to bring you down. In my case it’s that i’m stupid and usless and a waste in general.
It’s useful during those rational and grounded times, to write a letter to yourself, to hold on to during those irrational moments, reminding yourself that this moment will pass, that there are good times, that people do care, and all the other self-critical thoughts that come in during that darkest moments. And this letter is from someone you trust, who knows and cares deeply about you, and who is intimate with your story. Add to it after each really down episode, as you come out and realise what other reassurances you need for next time your mood plummets. Be your own best friend.
I have known several people who struggled severely with depression and suicidal thoughts. I had a relative, a wonderful young lady that had been married barely a year, that didn’t make it. She had ONE beer and – that was it. I have seen my own son go into deep deep depression as they tried different medications on him. It has been 7 years, and for the first time, he has found someone that can help him. There are several medications he CANNOT take. And he has had to learn to forgive himself and all those that have hurt him. Also he is learning to redirect his thoughts when they go the wrong way. And don’t ever forget, even in those darkest moments when it doesn’t even seem to make sense, you can still call on Jesus. He is always there. I know.
This is a familiar feeling. Your article describes the way I have been several times. I think that I have managed to gain an alternative route recently. Through psychotherapy, 2 years worth now.
Prior to that I had quite a record of suicidal behaviour and attempts. Behaviour stemming way back (as is often the case as one of your other psychology today articles said) to childhood.
I experienced destructive impulses as young as 7yrs old. I still have these impulses and regularly take painkillers, never enough to kill me but in the hope it will slowly poison me I guess. This is self harming behaviour, and very hard to break, despite the psychotherapy.
But there have been no out and out suicide attempts, not recently anyway.
It is as your article described, in the 3 scenarios. A swell of high painful emotion peaking, maybe over time, accumulated, maybe one last failure or pain/loss pushes one over.
There is this tingling surge of energy, inhibitions fall and powered by anger, huge rage and desperation, one acts it out as it feels impossible to contain, its an emotional climax of sorts, a deadly type that once started is -or it feels impossible to stop, to resist.
Like taking a run before you leap, the adrenaline builds and builds and so there is no stopping, no going back and you leap, impulses down and emotions up and firing on full power.
Learning how to master these emotions, this tendency to swell is the key. This is a constant battle especially if one is in a painful situation. But that’s living.
Of course one could tip toe around the edge of life carefully holding onto the edge.. Gripping tightly the full cup of emotion for fear of it overflowing. But I’ve tried this and one feels half alive, half present, so I live, I take risks, usually these risks, the really risky risks are associated with loving with trust. And sometimes, like currently, one gets terribly hurt. But Im realising that not to take theses risks and preserve life on half power isn’t really living in my opinion. So I am learning how to balance my full cup of emotion,to benefit from it without it drowning me. I hope this makes sense?
hi
“do it!”
A motivational slogan from decades ago.
If theres a million people who feel on the brink of suicide, and 100,000 of them just ‘do it’, on the same day at the same time, would that mean anything? to anyone?
There’s gazillions of people dying all over the world. Nothing happens… sorry … one thing definitely happens, those people are spared the torment of their future.
Each one of those that “does it” leaves behind at least one terribly broken heart that never recovers. Most likely MANY broken hearts. The pain of losing one to suicide is enormous. (It is a pain that never goes away.) As is the pain of being close to someone who is in so much pain that they WANT to do it. But there is help! And nobody knows what their future holds! 1 month from now, maybe even tomorrow, you could be so relieved you hung in there. Don’t give up. Reach out for help. It’s there! God doesn’t want you to suffer so. He will help you find a way to get the help you need. Just call on Him for help, reach out to those that love you. And if you feel no-one loves you, and you haven’t the energy to even pick up the phone to call the suicide hotline, ask God for help – for a reason to hold on. For relief from the pain and agony. Trust Him. He will carry you through. He will show you why you are here and the way to make it.
I had depression for the 1st time 10 years ago and have been battling on and off ever since. I take my work extremely seriously because I’m so dependent on it and I screw up a lot because I don’t have a nayural common sense and I’m constantly tired because – have a 9mnth old who doesn’t sleep. I have clouds of such negetivity that fall over me and yesterday I resigned. Which was accepted. As soon as the cloud lifted I was filled with sorrow and regret. I’ve just screwed up my child’s future. I have so much debt that we’re either going to be homeless or dependent on my aging parents. They are going to be so disappointed with me. My husband is angry with me. Even though I hated my job before and was useless at it, I wish that I could have seen that there was a bit of hope. Now I have no hope. I’ve just written out my letter, I have the knife with me, I can’t believe that it’s taking so long for my head to get around it. I can’t feel God anymore, I’ve let down my beloved son and my family. I need to go away from this darkness! I just need to die! Why is it taking so long for me to do it??
I totally understand depression. I feel that people should talk about it more, than God for the internet and forums like this for discussion. I think mean spirited people who joke are probably living with someone who wished they could die just to get away from them. I am 47 and can see that there has really been no point in my life that I have been loved. Mother died, step mom deserted me, father molested me, brother died, sister who won’t have anything to do with me, all my ex’s have been abusive (4) including my current. I have a HISTORy of making bad choices and I have a BSBA and gratuated with honors, so book smarts does not equal common sense. I feel the only reason I haven’t followed through with killing myself is because I have a daughter and grandchildren who would be hurt and I don’t want to cause my daughter any more pain than I already have. I thought i might just start a fight with her so she’d be mad at me. Justify that the grandkids would forget me over time BUT, as usual I just stay here in this suck ass world to please other people. I am trying to find a way to kill myself that doesn’t look like suicide. Any suggestions? I was wondering if you took blood pressure meds would that just make your heart stop? To much of a coward to ask anyone, they might lock me up if they knew what I really thought.
I know this level of thought in a way I wish no other knew. I wish someone could help you. I’m actually saddened to hear some of my own thoughts coming out of someone else. Why do we spiral down like this? Why do we just want to dry up and blow away? Why can’t we love ourselves, or at least like ourselves enough to NEVER think about ourselves in that way? How can our self esteems drop that low? I would never kill another person but, when it comes to myself… Why is it all of a sudden ok? I wish someone could figure out the answer to these questions. I’m not sure if it would help but, at least we would know why…
It has got to be said that a day makes a difference. After spending about 72 hours severly depressed and suicidal I woke up this morning and the haze has lifted. Nothing significant happened and all the prior stuff is still true but for the life of me I can’t figure it out. If you are suffering contact your friends or family and tell them the truth, share your feelings and it may help relieve the stress and depression. I am not crazy and I truely feel suicidal at different times in my life but for some reason God loves me in spite of myself.
I could never do it – but the truth is when I’ve thought about what has hurt me – it’s the ones I’d leave behind – so sometimes I see it as a poetic justice.
Student accused teacher of shoving student near a drop off twice.shoutted at teacher and later apologized. Can’t bear the pain of accusation. Have taught 25 years. Would never do that.
For anyone going through a down period of bipolar, it can last months, suicidal ideation, is a great and welcome relief. The mere thought that you can just leave is most restoring. We know this is not normal and I have very strong religious devotion, but the fact that your imagination can bring ease, is helpful. No one who does not have this affliction can possibly understand and I do not think most MDs get this. I think it is singular to our disorder and we fight for restraint that it will pass. Bipolar does not mean you are not sharp in your thinking (IQ), in fact most are extremely productive but get slammed with it from time to time. I am an ox and it can bring me to my knees. I am often at odds with this, as in my faith, suicide is a mortal sin – but hell on earth hurts more than I suppose a merciful God would forgive. For MDs that read this, do not hospitalize someone for voicing their thoughts and do not medicate them into oblivion. It is the nature of the beast and we all have battles to fight. In my 52 years of this, you learn how to deal with it, and ideation, is an escape. One would hope you have the discernment to know the difference.
For me depression is like a wave that rises up, and when it crashes into me, everything changes. I become the most worthless, stupid, waste of human flesh that ever was. I think everything I do or think is stupid, and I don’t even deserve to take another breath. I describe it as “Have you ever met someone you just don’t like? That’s how I feel about myself.”. During these episodes it’s as if my own brain wants me dead. I have no controll over these thoughts. It’s as if someone else is thinking for me and, I’m somewhere in the background crying wishing none of this were true. Life becomes a true waking nighmare. The fear and self hatred feed off of each other until I can no longer function. I swear, I’ve felt so much dispair that I go fetal. The muscles in my chest are always sore from shaking and crying. During these episodes I get so close to just dying from despair. The “pain” (I don’t know if pain is a good enough word. Maybe torment.) is so great, and my self esteem is so low that suicide seems to be the only way to end it. When I think about religion, my thought is that I’m not killing myself so much as putting myself out of my misery. Like an animal who’s wounds are too great. And any God that would judge me poorly for it is not a God I want to have anything to do with anyway. Life is NOT precious or special in any way. I wish that I had been aborted (Even outside of these episodes I still wish I’d been aborted). I don’t like life at all. It’s not fun. It’s not happy. I don’t understand why anyone can continue. What is the point? Really? Why am I alive? Just to suffer? Is this Karma? Did I do something in a past life? I can’t think of anything I’ve done in this life that is so bad to deserve this. I wouldn’t wish these thoughts and feelings on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. I’ve had so many nervous breakdowns they’ve just become something I’m used to.
It’s not the way I’m thinking (I have no control over that). It’s not a lack of vitamins or exercise. I’ve tried anti-depresants, and it seems I’m treatment resistant. At this point, the only thing left for me is shock treatment until I can’t remember anything for more than 5 mins. That way my depression waves won’t last more than 5 mins instead of like 12 hours. I’m not sure if I can do that. I’m not sure if that in and of itself isn’t a form of death, like labotomy. Never mind… Life sucks, I just got to get used to the fact that I will never enjoy life. When the depression wave is over I can almost seem manic (I’m not bi-polar) because I’m so happy that it’s over. It’s the knowledge that this is just an episode and that it WILL pass that keeps me from actually ending it all. It took me many scary years to come to that little bit of wisdom. Whithout it, I’m not sure if I would be here typing this right now. I wish all of you WAY more luck in life than I’ve had. I’m sorry my “injuries” have crippled me to the point where I can’t really live a productive life but, my only choice in that is death or the equivalant.
Just to be clear. I am not on disabilty or welfare or any other government entitlement program. I’m lucky that my parents understand how crippled I really am. They let me live with them. They know I wouldn’t surive otherwise. I’m 36 years old and still live with my mother. How’s that for something to be depressed about. Depression has ruined my life. It threatens to ruin what life I have left, and I’m about to go ape over it. I can’t support myself. The part-time job I’ve had for the past 8 years does not pay enough to help. My parents can barely keep thier house and there is NOTHING I can do about it. It’s very hard when you’re depressed and life decides to “give you somthing to be depressed about”. I just need to learn to suck on those lemons cause that’s all I deserve (shoot I deserve worse).
I’m tired now. I’m 39 going on 40 (hopefully not). I have no life, no brothers/sisters, no wife/girlfriend, no kids, my friends have gone, I lost my job and am having a hard time finding another, and now, if I don’t find one soon, I’ll probably lose my car as well. I have nothing and no one, therefore; I have nothing to lose. I just can’t believe I’m still here after this long, living this JOKE of a life. I foolishly paid attention to those who told me it would get better. That I should not give up. Even WORSE, I stupidly gave into the notion that “God” would help me out when I needed help. I sit here feeling like a fool for having taken that bait. Now that I am old and useless, what have I got to show for all the years of struggle and sacrifice? Nothing. I should’ve known better, looking back at my life, that I’ve always known I was a failure and how the ending would always be. Cremation please.
By avoiding being hurt, I think I have caused myself more pain then I have ever been in. What do I do? What are the answers? Just tell me what to do and I will do it.
My chest is imploding. My insides are burning. I want to throw up and stop breathing at once.
Happiness like I have never known was felt in the summer. It was felt in his presence. The way he looked at me, I knew I would never be alone again. But it looks like I will be alone anyway.
Alone. All alone.
I was fine with being alone until he came along.; content to try to live with myself. But then there he was. Playing his fiddle and laughing at everything. I loved him before I knew him. I loved him even when denying it. I loved him so much it scared me.
And maybe this was for good reason. Look at me now. Just look at me. Actually, looking at me won’t show you truly how I feel because I don’t believe there is an image powerful enough for you to understand.
I want to fix this. NEED to fix this. But by needing and wanting I can guarantee myself that I will break it even more. How do I fix it? It is only by fixing this that I can fix myself. I know we are not supposed to rely on anything outside ourselves in order to be happy, but this is the reality. I was happy with myself before he came along, but that was not true happiness. What he made me feel was true happiness.
Loneliness never feels as sharp as when you have known happiness, and now that I have known happiness this is almost unbearable.
Please, I chose happiness over money. I chose happiness over a career. I chose him.
Please let him chose me. He chose me over and over again before – the way he persisted. The way he looked at me. I need to see it again. How do I get him to remember why he loved me?
I live with this type of pain every day. I allowed myself to get backed into a corner with a career I truly hated but could not get out of because of finacial obligations. The stress was simply too much. I drank. I removed myself from family and friends. Now I’m divorced and my 21 year old daughter doesn’t speak to me. The irony is I spent the better part of my adult life trying to provide for her, trying to give her a better life than I had. Now she has everything except a father.
Now I live far from family and friends. All I have is my lousy job and all the financial obligations I can handle – alimony, college tuition for 2, etc.
My son keeps in touch but its not enough. I simply cannot go on with this misery every day. I’ll wait until winter break for colleges so I don’t interupt my kids in school but then I’m done. I have it all planned. Wills, trusts, etc. I can’t wait for it to finally be over. I tried so hard and I failed so miserably.
First, I am not the one contemplating suicide.
I’ve read many of the comments on here and most of you are throwing out the argument of selfishness. Which is human nature. We all want the “perfect” life and not have to deal with problems, whether they’re our own or a loved ones.
My scenario is this. Married, two beautiful kids. Daughter (11) is a spittin image of my wife, both in looks and emotions. Son (5) is more of a free spirit such as myself. He has the view on life of “It is what it is, I’m here to have fun.”
Enough about that. My wife today find out they are not renewing her SSI Disability due to lack of evidence that she will not get better. First off, WTH kind of BS is that. She been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and panic disorder since she was in HS. She is now going on her 9th year of being 29…..lol. But with this news today, plus us going through bankruptcy and the fact that for the last few years she has gotten worse and worse and worse she has planned “IT”. I don’t know what she has planned, I have removed all possible objects from the house.
If I come across a bit scatterbrained, I apologize. My main thing is this. This is sad to say, but I’ve come to accept this moment whether she continued to recieve disability benefits or not. And trust me, she is much wiser than I am. I can’t wake up tomorrow and say, “Hey, let’s go get some of the donuts you love ‘without the kids.'” So basically, if I have accepted the massive amount of pain (inside her head because of her mental/medical conditions)…..How do I explain it to my kids when she does?
Plus, I would love to see some serious research on descendents of Nam vets and mental/physical disorders. Heck, I’d like to see some on this subject since preservatives were added to foods and so on. I’m not looking for excuses or someone to sue. I’m just looking for clues as to why?
Thanks for any responses in advance. Have a safe day.
im a 33 yo man. i was with my girlfriend for almost 10 years until we split recently. over the last ten years i have lost all my friends, gotten into a lot of debt and am in a job i hate and cant leave because i need the money. i can see no end to my pain and i have absolutely nothing left to live for. my uncle took his own life 20 years ago and though it was hard for my family to move on from this they are all in good places in life now. they would be hurt and sad for a while but this will fade over time. my pain however, gets worse everyday. my problem is cowardice. its the only reason im still here.