What happens when it hurts too much to live? Can it really be too painful to live one more moment with emptiness, depression, and despair? Yes, for some people suicide seems like the only way out.
Not every person who contemplates killing themselves is truly interested in ending their time on earth. For many, suicidal thoughts are about escape — musing about the idea of leaving the bonds that bind them to other people, responsibilities to burdens, and the despair of what they can’t change. If they could just escape it, maybe they still could go on somehow. Not right now, but after a while. They just need to get away from it.
Suicidal thoughts and actions are also sometimes paired with strong impulses and low inhibitions. This can happen with drugs and alcohol, bipolar disorder, or any personality style that leans more toward action than consideration. When a depressed or desperate mood gets legs, a person could be in real physical danger.
These are all fictional examples, but you can see how impulse plus mood problems can equal suicide.
- A person in despair over a broken relationship sits on the train tracks where the train traffic is regular. They’ve had several beers and are feeling everything so strongly.
- A person with rapidly shifting moods has had a lot of problems lately. They are driving in their car and are thinking about what would happen if they slammed into a wall or tree.
- A person who’s had trouble in the public eye and a history of depression and drug use. They become sick of the daily emotional rollercoaster, grab their gun, and load up a few bullets.
Many people each day are walking around with enormous amounts of emotional pain. Living is difficult, they’ve lost loved ones, the future looks bleak, and they feel backed into a corner. But not everyone contemplates suicide. Some hold very strong religious beliefs that prevent them from ever taking any action. Others hold an important value on life in general, and can tell themselves that there has to be another way.
Sadly, many people do have very scary thoughts about ending their life. Some come very close to the brink of action before pulling back. Others only have fleeting thoughts. The “invasion” of depression into a person’s mind can make difficult things seem much more than just difficult — they become impossible.
They see no reason to live on after their spouse has died. They see no way out of their financial troubles. They think there is no more purpose for them after their serious injury or illness. This black and white thinking can trap a person into a narrow chute, seeing their demise as they only reasonable choice. And I’m not saying that the pain isn’t real or extremely intense. It’s the thought process and judgment that balances emotion, and depression thinking just isn’t straight.
For any of you who have been down this path, I invite you to add on comments and expand on this little post. There’s no way a few hundred words can do justice to the topic except to introduce it. If you are feeling strongly about suicide and don’t feel safe, I urge you to contact your local police or hospital right away. They are trained to help you get through your immediate crisis, and then get you the further specialized mental health help that you need. And for those I have known who have taken their own lives, your deaths have made a lifelong impression on me.
706 comments
I am 53yrs old. I grew up a ward of the state (foster care). 30 + foster homes. Been physically, mentally & sexually abused. I survived! Spent years taking care of 1 set of foster parents until a little over 2 years ago when the last one past. I showed caring and compassion even knowing what they did to me.
So finally, 51 yrs old I get a chance to “start” my life, heal the wounds and get a chance to live free of abuse for once. Well I’ll be damned if within 6 months after my old foster mother died in 3/2012 my body turned again me, literally. I have fought for a little over a year now to get a diagnosis. I was treated like a criminal trying to prove my body was not working properly. 2 weeks ago and after 7 neurologists I was diagnosed with “mitochondrial myopathy”. Now I am out of insurance and monies are running out & people are still screwing me in order to get assistance. I have spent a year locked away in my apartment alone. I have reached out to agencies with no success. Even now the new doctor’s office made promises to get me disability using the “compassion allowance” as what I have is a degenerative neuromuscular disease which is genetic. Today I learned they changed their minds and I am going to have to fight & struggle to try and not lose everything I have worked so very hard to keep.
How on earth do I cope with this? Who do I turn too? Where are the “humans” to help me? Am I even human? Everyone points to someone else and it is an ongoing chain!! Where are my people? Where is my HELP?? Yes I have a few neighbor friends to assist me in getting milk & doctor appts. but no where to just stop & relax!! An entire life of this!! The only way I can see it ending is too just end it!!!!
It’s the child abuse. (in my case: psychological neglect by mother; golden child of a narcissistic father).
I have nothing of my own in my life. My achievements are in areas he wanted; or not at all. I was wired from infancy to do it his way or be terrified for my life.
I spent 20 years walking thru fire for my dream of a family (facing terrors 24/7 that had me vomiting in fear every morning) & ended up over 40, single female with dead dreams.
To move on & change my life (eg hobbies instead of a family) means facing that same terror & walking thru fire for _every_single_hobby_.
Think about it: a life without a functional dream, without hobbies to nurture & distract yourself with when things get tough, and with emotional connectivity problems. And to face terrors every day people with less abuse can’t comprehend.
Sorry. Pain kills. Child abuse kills.
And to the families who want to lay the guilt on the victim of suicide? I’m sorry; it’s very selfish of you to blame the victim of chronic pain.
This made me laugh. I realize it’s not a joke but the three examples are spot on except for the tree and drug abuse. I would rather find an 18-wheeler or a loaded dump truck at 60MPH+ and hit them head on to seal the deal. I would also rather OD. Physical pain, coupled with mental pain is a disaster. To make everything even more intense; add zero money, no help from any so called professional (Including PCP, Psychiatrist, Pcyhotherapist, & DO) makes it even more insane. And why would you load several bullets when it only takes one?
I feel selfish just thinking about not having anything to live for. I know I will hurt my husband but I need something inside me to want to live for. Medications have not been the answer. I have felt alone in the world since my parents passed away 5 years ago. They say time heals all wounds but my sense of loss and loneliness in the world have only increased. I have many acquaintances but no real true friends who I can call up and just say “Hey how have you been doing” and expect them to ask me the same thing.” My life is a mess. No joy from my profession, no love from my grown children, no life sustaining love from my so called God. Feeling pathetic even though I know in better times that I’m an educated, funny, caring person but don’t feel the love coming my way. Don’t understand why. People around me would be stunned to know how I feel inside. I’m too ashamed to share these desperate feeling for fear that they would not understand and reject me as a wacko. Go to church and see and hear people talk about their wondrous God but I don’t feel these feelings. Wonder why not and wish I did. Life would be easier. God works in others lives but does not seem too interested in mine as far as I see. Wonder why? See little change for the better in the future and just waiting for natural death. Pathetic way to feel. Self pitying. Once there was a place called Camelot but no more. Life has been good to others but has only beaten me down. Feel I deserve better but cannot make it happen. Feel ashamed and pathetic and wish I had someone to take my hand and say “Follow me, life can be a good place to be and I will help you.” But I have no on one in my life to show me some human compassion and take my hand and I don’t seem to be able to rescue myself. Each year I wonder how I have made it through another year. I have experienced moments of happiness through volunteer work but in my deepest darkest moments of personal reflections, I am just a hollow soul on the abyss of nothingness. If god considers suicide eternal damnation, I’m already there so what’s the difference?
Sometimes i find myself angry at the thought of my family and friends at my grave, crying about how IF they knew how much pain i was in THEN they would have done more to help. I become so furious!! While alive, my suffering is look at as being an ungrateful annoyance BUT if i end my pain, i become someone that COULD HAVE been “helped” if I was more expressive with my pain. yea, just a thought of mine…
Also, just because someone is depressed does not mean they are emotionally reckless or need to be spoken to in a patronizing way, Im dealing with deep emotional pain, i’m no irrational or dumb…just another thought.
First off, I would like to send out a sincere thank you to everyone who has taken the time to write their stories/situations down to help others like myself know we are not alone in this world with these struggles. I really wish I knew how things turned out for all of you. Who made it past the pain and how they are doing today. I truly hope everyone is still holding in there.
As for myself, Like a the other posts on here, I have found myself in place in my life that I just can’t seem to find my way out of. Although I do not feel that I suffer from clinical depression or anything like that, I am very depressed at where my life is at this point. Do I think about taking my life, sadly, yes I do. I can honestly say that if God did not send the best wife a guy could ask for his way, and some very cool and amazing kids to raise, I know I would have checked out of this world by now for sure. They are the main reason for my staying. As much as I long for peace from this world, I can’t get over how selfish it would be to devastate my wife and kids. I also feel that if I did take my own life, I fear my kids (when things get tough in their lives in the future)would think back to what I did and follow my example. So, I pretty much feel stuck.
I haven’t worked since the end of last year because I found out last fall that I have become diabetic and unfortunately, mine is a worse case then others and almost a year later, doctors still haven’t been able to find out why. I feel useless in life, like I serve no purpose outside my home and it kills me. My wife and I struggle financially because she is the only one working at the moment and I can’t help but blame myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am not lazy. I do what I can like take the kids to appointments, make supper, fix things around the house, grocery shop etc., I still feel like I am filling space and not making myself worthy to be here. Funny thing is my wife couldn’t be more supportive of me if she tried. She hates that I hurt so badly so much and she is behind me through thick and thin. I truly have so many blessings in my life and so I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do. Such a screwed up cycle.
I have read a few posts on here about God. I am a Christian, I do beleive in God, and although I wish he would just have mercy on me and snap his fingers and I be all good again, I don’t resent him or blame him in anyway. I don’t believe God put me in this situation, I beleive I led myself to this point. Sadly, sometimes I don’t think I am a strong enough Christian to get out. I guess I can also say that I am scared that all suicides go to hell. If I am barely getting through this life, I can’t imagine an eternity in hell.
I’m 36yrs old and everything I have lived in my life (good or bad) has led me to this. Somedays I feel good, somedays I feel like I can tough things out and come out on the other side better then ever, somedays I feel like I’m kidding myself, and somedays I just don’t want to be here anymore. This is turning out to be the fight of my life, and I am sad because I really don’t know how it will turn out. I just hope and pray God will give me the strength to resist the urge to commit suicide and be the best husband, father, and person I can be.
I wrote a small part of my story so others who read it will know that they are also not alone. For me, knowing that has helped a lot. To those who read this, may God bless you and ease your pain. I really hope that you (and myself) can make it through this pain and come out strong on the other side!
Sometimes I feel Like there is a whole in the top of my stomach. It hurts so bad. My life has not been awful. Some bad things happened to me but so many people have it so much worse. I feel stupid for feeling so depressed. Sometimes I feel Luke if I died no one around me would be burdened. I have a 7 year old son who means the world to me. I couldn’t leave him like that. But I think about it often. I’m sure he deserves better than me anyways. Who I to feel so special that I deserve happiness? Why should I feel that?
Am I going to hurt this way forever? I literally feel 100% empty inside.
Suicide in a time of perceived crisis. Your introduction touched the many faucets of suicide. The pain, exhausted from fighting, seemingly nothing to live for. Been there a few times. The closest was probably 20 years ago. Amazingly something came over me to avert disaster. However fighting depression, and having people just seemingly like to play with your future is extremely stressful. When I was younger I thought that as we became older, we became better people. I was terribly wrong. They just get worst and worst, hurting more and more people. Lies are egregious.
I grew up abused hated so much by my own father..i lost my left eye@ the age of 15 ..suffered so much abuse at school.. good things rarely happen to me ever since I came to this world.. I ran away from home trying to escape abuse but little did I know what waited for me ahead..I suffered everyday of my life rejection,hatred you name it all. I started my own business but it failed like everything else I tried to do
last year my fiancée passed away leaving me with the greatest heartbreak of all times.. before we met I was very lonely spending Christmas alone with no one to talk to . I’m always broke ..I always get fired @ my every job …im tired of hoping ,wishing and dreaming for things to get better ..trust me they never do..EMOTIONAL SCARS HURT MORE THAN PHSYSICAL ONES..the only way out for me is ..WE BOTH KNOW THE ANSWER..
Hi all i have been very recently bereaved by the suicide of my partner and father to my 4 yr old child. I have lived in a very dark place since it happened contemplating if my life is worth living anymore. My partner and i had been on a break for 3 weeks after he became voilent towards me. I still loved him very much still cared ge saw our daughter and myself almost daily. Then he took his life. I am wracked with guilt and shame he had been messaging me that evening i assumed he was drunk and being manipulative. He was very paranoid and i couldn’t understand why. We had to separate it was becoming unsafe for myself and my daughter. He recognized that we were getting on he even went for help with the anger. I turned my phone on silent and fell asleep. He text me my last message at 1.30 in the morning. It wasn’t a loving text to say goodbye it was ‘ last text ever i know now’. I still didn’t think anything unusual thought it was a drunken message thought he would be in bed nursing a hangover. Until the time went on i finally called the police and my world and all that loved him shattered into a million pieces. What im trying to say is that for the people left behind its a prison of guilt if onlys what ifs and completely no chance to resolve anything. I hate that i have to live like this i don’t feel my partner was depressed i feel like he was angry and he wanted to punish me. I know ultimately the highest punishment was on himself. But i think i would sooner be where he is than live my life like this. The only thing that stops me is our amazing daughter but i worry what long term effects this will have on her.
I’m very depressed at the moment. I have therpy and doctors. I jsut mis smy ex husband so much and have givne up on datign as not the same 20 years later. He is seeign this ex girlfriend form over 20 years ago and iwht her out of tiwn now. The pain is too much to beare. my hwole life has changed since hte break up. My healht has suffered. All i wnat is to be hugged an dloved and have somebody to love me again. It is romantic love too I want. Nothing can repalce that. Not drugs, not drink, not work not therapy, nothing. Coming home ot th ehosue we shared and it empy is too much for me. People say work on yoursel fhwatever. I do thta the hwole time. It isn’t I hate myself. It’s just I have love ot give and that’s what I want. A ncie steady man again. A family home again. Sorry but nothign can replace that warmth and love for me. It jsut can’t.
I’m trying to kill myself but its so damned hard to do I guess my cowardice is the last hurtle, but I have faith that I can muster the strength of character to do it soon, anyone who thinks its the easy way out needs to try its hard to do , I get drunk load the gun and just can’t seem to pull, any advice?
My advice to you Matt is to NOT do it. Scroll up a few posts snd you will see that I too struggle with thoughts of suicide so I know what your going through. Your not able to take your own life right now for a reason, maybe something good is waiting for you in the near future. Stick around to find out. I know that is not what you want to hear, but this is the biggest decision you will ever make and your life hangs in the balance. Hang in there, what plays a big factor for me is there could be grave consequences that last for an internity if you kill yourself, makes the pain we feel in our lives right now seem so temperary. My best advice Matt, pray to God, no better friend to turn to. Some days he is all that gets me through! Even though I feel so down time to time he keeps me from breaking, I know he will be there for you too.
I have strong thoughts daily of ending my life I try to deal with my daily pain and issues it just gets harder and harder to live. My kids don’t speak to me because of bad stuff my ex wife says about me. My girlfriend helped get my friends to look at me in a bad way because I have cheated on her. I have knowone to talk to therapy isn’t working I feel lost and alone to the point I don’t want to fight to live anymore
I am 25 years old and i have been depressed since i was 10. The biggest problem with depression and suicidal thought is most people dont take you take it serious when you’re a child. They say things like you’ll et over it or you’re just trying to get attention. But its not just attention that we need, it’s help. I never asked for much, I just needed to know that someone cared and as the 2nd of 9 siblings it wasn’t always available at home and in a class of 30 students some voices were bound to go unheard. I got so used to people not listening that I stopped talking and invested in long sleeved shirts and razor blades. The one person who I spoke with about all this stuff was my girlfriend who died our junior year. That year I tried to kill myself twice and once in college. My family doesn’t know about any of this won’t unless they read all of my notebook. Most people that talk about depression and suicide say why don’t they get help. The problem is 9 time out 10 they did at least once and no one listened.
I’m curious, why do people have to live? I have loving parents who would be sad to see me die from suicide, and I have a few friends, but the point is living just hurts. Everything is difficult for me. I’ve tried meds. Tried therapy. Tried diet, exercise (I’m not overweight or anything). But I still feel down. I have to push myself just to get out of bed, and the professional help didn’t work. So, why do I have to ‘just live with it’ as I’ve been told to do? I’m tired of people thinking I’m just lazy. They don’t understand I’m not lying when I say that everyday basic tasks take so much energy. Why do I have to suffer so that others don’t have to be sad I died? I didn’t ask to be born.
the physical pain I am in every minute of every day . my family dosent understand you would think they would want me to be pain free but that is something that will never happen .doctors wont give out pain meds anymore so I am just plain tiered out of options.I want to die
I don’t wanna explain my past or anything. I ampretty committed into ending my life right now. All I ever wanted was to be loved by a friend. Not a boyfriend. Not a family member. A friend. I mean…someone you’re not in love with and someone thats loyal to you. Now days, those are hard to find. Not only that, I get bad grades I. School now because I cannot concentrate…I’m always daydreaming and losing concentration at work…and I lock myself in my room all day playing video games because that’s the only thing that makes me somewhat happy I guess. Anyways, I’m 95% most likely going to commit suicide. Nobody can talk MW out of it and the email I’ve provided is fake so I won’t be checking this site ever again. I just needed to let this out somewhere since I don’t trust anyone anymore. Don’t try and Ihelp me.
Hi Ive Been Depressed ever since I moved away from the area I grew up it. Its been tough having to adjust to new things and people. I tried to talk to my parents but they told me to be thankful for the things I have. But how can I be happy when all I see in the world is sadness. I look around and see people suffering and I cant help but feel the same way. I know that its kinda stupid to be depressed over these little things but I consider myself as a type of emotional sponge. I suck up all the emotions of the people around me and when it gets to be too much I snap and go into a sort of depressed mode. Lately I’ve been having explicit dreams of myself jumping off a high building or even just jumping in front of a car. Im not sure what to do anymore. Could someone please tell me what I could do to stop this?
Can anyone please help me. I’m 13. I have always been bullied. I have epilepsy. I get got bullied for that. I transferred form 3 different schools. I am now at one that I ahte so much. My family is so mean to me lately. I thought I at least had my aunt left on my side but out of everyone she has been the worst to me. She had always been so nice to me but now she is being so mean to me when I need the most support. She hates me for not liking school and for cutting myself a few times. And I have to stay with her cause I have a hard time getting along with my mom. My mom is mean to me to. My mom always yells and swears at me all the time. My cousins are mean to me too. my aunt is the meanest. She is being so mean to me and I don’t know why. And I’m scared of my uncle. And if my grandma gets involved in anything she’ says she can’t deal with it and gets in her car and leaves or walks away. I get that but then my aunt and uncle yell at me for making her upset and they hate me for that too. I hate my school. I would rather be dead then have to go there for 1 minute. I hate it so much. I went in the girls bathroom and cut myself with a pencil 3 times. I hate it there so much. I hate it there. I hate everything. I hate my family too. And my father is not in the picture at all. I have a horrible history with him. As does my mom. I don’t want to get into that though. And if I cut my self one more time I have to go to impatient therapy and I don’t want to go. I really don’t want to. Please. Can anyone here help me? Anyone? Please, no none at all is helping me. I have no friends. No family for support or anyone I can talk to or visit or stay with. I have no one. Please I’m really suicidal and anxious and depressed and need help someone please help me and I can’t even transfer schools either cause there’s a case worker involved with my family and even if I was able to the transfer would take a while and my mom would have to talk to people and make calls and I don’t think I can go to my school and keep going in the mean time so someone please help me I am seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and he put me on a few different medications and changed then a few different times nothing is working someones please help me can someone please email me my email is @azaleaperson22yahoo.com please help me please email me please
Hi, I am 33 years old, and pregnant with a not good guys child. I have decided to kill myself after putting this baby up for adoption. My dad died two years ago and since then my rapid cycling bi – polar and panic disorder has gotten worse. Not to mention I used to have millions of friends, and I have none now. My mom is angry and bitter at me, like my older brother and when I’m around them I feel like an outcast and roach. I don’t feel welcome at holidays and I’m just done going through this pain. Life has been a struggle for me since I was very young. I was always fatter then other kids, but then I starved myself and worked out nonstop to get skinny. Then according to other people I was pretty, but then I didn’t have a good enough job or college education to find a decent husband. Men just wanted to screw me. My bipolar wasn’t allowing me to make good relationships. Then I lost a baby to a birth defect. I was on social security living in a dingy nasty old apartment. Then my dad dies and my mom helps my buy a business, so I can supposedly have financial freedom, but my manic spending makes it so I’m broke and in debt, plus the pressure of owning a business is killing me. I have gained 80 lbs since my dad died and I hate myself. Now I am pregnant with this felons kid that I had to get a restraining order against. I was raised in a wealthy high respected neighborhood and have intelligent family of musical composer, dentist, doctor, pilot, business entrepreneurs. Here I am a mess and burden. I’m going to give this baby up for adoption and kill myself.
I have gone through suicidal phases and battled constant depression since age 12. I am however reviewing the situation and asking myself exactly what it is that makes me feel like that. The answer is, unhelpful people in my life. They have been extremely jealous about the fact I have been capable in many areas and have deliberately put spanners in the works for just that reason in order to keep me from progressing. Most of my relationships don’t feel real, they feel like half relationships because even though I am honest with people they are not honest with me.
I now feel the solution is to be even more honest about what I do and don’t want and what I need, because it just seems to have been about what everybody else needed all the time. People have been so inconsiderate of my feelings it’s not true and when I get very upset they say they can’t understand why – having caused the problem themselves!!
I am coming out of a deep dark hole right now (depression, debt, no job and nowhere to live by the end of this month). I have had to sideline slimy married men who are unhappy in their own relationships and are suggesting they pay for my accommodation in return for sex. I have had a lot of these approaches and I just find it gross. There is so much two timing going on. Nobody cares about building a nice life anymore. I was previously married and my ex husband had an addiction to very weird porn and computer games which he spent his time on rather than going to work. My mother had severe mental health issues due to my parents’ rocky relationship and I spent most of my teens propping her up.
My 30s were about finding myself as I had spent so much of my time supporting other people. I have found it very hard though as I have had to do everything alone and commitment to others has once again come loaded with over-involvement in their problems and catering to them – they are usually hard emotionless people who don’t give a jot about your feelings or what you want.
I think I just need to step up to the plate and demand equal or preferential treatment because I have been through an emotional wringer and I can’t handle being treated badly any more. I do find that cutting contact with certain people who are especially toxic, and drinking red wine helps. Medication is rubbish and feels terrible and dangerous.
I have read many of these stories on here and feel for these people tremendously. I think the problem is that this day and age is just too fast and people are whipped into thinking that they should be keeping up with it all at all times. At the same time there is this huge feeling of ennui and the all pervasive sense of fakeness which annoys a lot of people to distraction, as they are caught up in it and hate themselves, hate everybody else and hate the world. It is not surprising.
ive been deeply considering this as well.
im in financial ruin and cant afford to get more schooling, stuck at a job that i enjoy but raises are out of the question, cant afford to re-certify so will have to go back to grunt work
family life is in shambles, love of my life wont even tell me whats going on and give me a straight answer to me after 7 months of being run around, cra is asking for info on last years taxes and i cant find it. want it soon or im screwed, recently diagnosed with hpv and im not sure where i got it, so cant be with anyone else anymore. best friends gf tried to get with me new years while i was passed out and now he wont talk to me.
everything is completely collapsed and ive turned to booze and pot… of course it doesnt help. im at a loss as to what to do.
Dear Destroyed,
When in doubt – do nothing. Absolutely nothing! If possible, take a day off from work or take a walk when you get home. I know it sounds very juvenile, but sometimes in the quiet moments the decision to live is made. Block out the noise and breath. Life is hard and we have all made mistakes, myself included. Some small and some not. But at the end of the day, LIVE!
I hope this response finds you in a better place today.
D
I am sinking deeper into this hole. I cry everyday, and feel so empty. I have so longed for a emotional connection with a women. I am only a senior in highschool, but I dont see myself making it past this year. I have had so many things hsppen jn my life that I just cant see the bright side of things anymore. Its funny because i am ALWAYS there for my friends and always try to be the best individual I can, and I have in turn only gotten fucked over by life, by everyone. I am emotionally alone, and I wake up every day trying to tell myself that its a new day and you might finally meet someone who you are attracted to and actually wants to be with you. Man sometimes life is so tough, and to be honest I have a really good life no reason to complain, but all my pain is emotional. I just want to be happy again, I havent been since I was 5. I am trying but for how long… I contemplate finishing myself off everyday. Im dying on the inside.
I have Ben feeling that way since I was 5 years old At 5my mother left me in deferent country to come America and I never new my mom could not care for me no one ever told me I was a product of rape I’m jus a reminder of the night mare she lived my mother lost her self she could not function she’s basicly like a small shield she can’t do nothing for her self I did not know that , I was over ther the family thought they left me in the right hand my ant and uncle they were doctors very Welty ,they always live me with the mades ,one day both women rape me and got the man to tried to penetrate me wild the hold me down I had a long pease of scan that use to hang out of my vjj they held me down and cut it and feed it to the dog and they told me all of your days man our going to devour me I was left in so much pain iam crying asking god what did I do to deserve this I stumble inside of the house in ageny there was a medication my uncle use to give because I would take naps like normal kids I was active like speedy gunzaless I was told I am very ugly it would be a merical if some one marries me or have children with me I was mentally abuse and physically abuse i use to have to still food because the would feed me I felt so alone could not tell no one how I feel they always tell me I was a burden so took the medication wen in to the middle of the backyard and past out I thought I wake up the next day it was 6 month later but wen I wake up I was wishing I died because i wanted to excape because I would watch my cousine get all the attention love from her dad I wanted so desperately for them love me like they love ther children I would day dream my mother would come to save 10years later some one came to visit I past right by my mother had no clue my uncle said this your mother I was happy and relive I was safe I did not know my mom had no control I thought she was going to protect me the bought me to Florida with my grand father I had dream I was going to have a better life no one wasn’t going to abuse me I got there my mother father was mentally abusing my mother telling her she was worthless and why did you let this ugly imbarasment live you should of dump her I the garbage she’s so ugly so black why you could put her somewhere and not feed her let her die she is worth less I had a blader problem I pee in the bed my grand father was very angry he thought mabe the only way to get me to stop peeing in the bed was to Sind me to school with wet pee close I was in a new playse no one understand me cause I did not speak English the kids terrorizes me made my life a living hell every day I was begging to die asking god why do I have to soffer that way why am I here iam screaming no one hears me then I came to newyork thinking maybe if stay positive keep a smile on my face life will be ok but every were I went no one understand me school I was being bully at home was being pick on because the jealous kids in the house did not want me ther , at 12my 2 cousins tried to rape me my ant was at work my cousin vica she was 16,she made sure she made my life he’ll one minut she’s nice to next she beating me up I feel like I wanted to die I was angry with god why would you bring me hear in a world of selfish people who don’t care I still tell my self to hope for better still a smile and treat people with the respect and kindly ness some one will give it to me be humble don’t go around hurting people life will be good I wanted to help people but I have a very lowsefestene and wen I get around people I’m shy to men they see me as a sex abject could not conec emotionaly with no one they see a target some one to take advantage of I run from home because I was being bully at school and I was told by my family it’s my fault and I was being molested by my ant husband no one believe me at 12at 14 I was put in a group home I was still being bully by the kids in the group home one morning I wake up all my stuff gon no explanation just gon so run from ther I started living with a women who would pay me to clean her home 50$ some one die in her family in barbayto so she had to live she said she new some one who would knead me for work I was happy she introduce me to jerry Mcfann he is a lower his wife will need a nany she drop me off soon as I new it I was 15 life was great he was very nice to me he was mentally abusing his wife and would put his wife in the of the car and told me to come to the front of the car I did not know he was putting us agains each other she was a very nice prisoners one day I witness him beeting her I was scared my leg was shaking under the table my teeth was shivering the man was 6feet11 she was only 4feet tall he was throwing her kicking her one day I was watching TV and he came and set next to he gave me a joint to smoke and he gave me a bear he call her over and he call her over and crack her on her head with a hamer blood started to gush out I was so a fraid I thought she was going to die I tried to get up to help her he told me to seat down he told her bitch don’t bleed on my floor wipe that blood of my floor I was terrified of him and he told her to tel me why he was treating her that way it’s because she sheathed on him wil he was in the hospital with his best friend and the baby she’s carying might not be his baby I was a kid I did not question why he was telling me that his a grown man in my country I was thought to respect adult most beating I got was for that so it’s glued in my head to do so a month after that happen I came home late I had no clue I was being fallowed were ever I go because he had in mine I was his to have and was making sure no one wasn’t having me my firs boyfriend was sheathing on me and decided I was to young for him in the mine sex was not something I look fawerd to I never wanted to do it so he found a girl who was mor in to sex and mature then me I was pregnant with his shild he told me to get rid of it because he wanted a pur blood Puerto Rican he did not want a Haitian baby his girl friend beet it ou of me I was4 months pregnant I was hurt I never had my heart broken he was my first love he thought me every thing I new I was a Lon but now iam destroyed I get to the place I was staying his wife opens the door and it’s dark you can feel something is not right she told me he was worrying about me cause it was 12:00 and he wanted to know we’re I was I walk in the room you smell vomit and the smell of bear I will never forget the smell of old spice smell with sweat funky disgusting he stood up befor I can answer him he slap me he said I know what you have Ben up to I was so afraid he was trieying to brake me his wife does int fight back but I fort him back the best way I could and he tried to force him self on me I run to the living room help stumbleling his wife was standing in the dark please help me his forsing himself on me please help she tun oround and said to me nothing in life is free and he punch me in the back of my head and I fell down on the ground hard he drag me by my leg to the bed and he tear of my close what he could he cut it off of me my panty he jus rip it off of me I was out of it and he got inside of me I was screaming help me crying no one came to save me she did come after he was don I was rushing to the door trieying to put something on and he pull it off of me he said you want to live live naked I was screaming no he drag me to the door there were man siting on the porch I tried to grab on the wall to keep him from taking me out side and I said no I will stay and he lock the door I was a ducted held agains my will so now me and his wife was in the same boat he cap me 16 turning 17 I got him to trust me and one day he gave me money to go out side and I never came back I run I was sick I had no idear what was wrong with me I thought I might of contracted aids or something els and the worst thing was to call a family member in this time of need I call anie my cousine I was histerical on the phone she wanted me meet her she wanted to take me to the hospital I was realive i thought I put the worst behind me I was wrong I found out I was pregnant i was17 pregnant and wanted to get rid of it she made me keep it I was so angry my hole pregnancy I went on top of a roof and stood there wanted to Jump and I thought if I did die from the fall what was going to happen to me and I could not do it I sad after I give birth I will do it my cosine tormented me I would hear her convocation on the phone she would say man there some whoers in the family this bitch came back pregnant from a man with a wife that bitch is a whoers she said she was going to help me then she would complaine about not having enough food so I started baby siting then I rich a point I don’t need this so went to covernant house they place me in to maternity programs I was a shame to have been there because no one new what was going through they were like that bitch has to be fast she’s young walking on the street people would point fingers than finally it was time I call my cousine I was a fraid I wen to newyork hospital in manhattan I gave birth to a beautiful little girl I name her I thought it was going to change how I feel I
Am a mom some one is depending on me I felt like I have A purpose in life now it took 3 year for me to full in love I was in a group home a mother and child program I work I save all my money at19 with the help of a cousine christine she help get on track got my first apartment on my own it was something to feel good about I boutght me what ever my heart desire I spoil my baby because I never had I said I’m going to be the best mom to her I never had a mom I learn to love her I had wen she was 3 I had en other child with the man whom I thought he was the man of dream he was a night mare the man was possessive controller and mentally abuseve he thought I was sheeting on him he chace me with a nive in the apartment with my new born baby in my arm I was scared he started beeting me finally it was over I call the police he vanish 2years later I went to work come back the police are un the front of my door and my door is open I work very hard for every thing I had and every thing was gon it was rob I was unsafe so I left the apartment go to EAU that is the worse places to go for shelter they did not have a room eveleble so waited sleep on benches wen I wake up my daughter was playing with a person you know what you see on the train smell bad and dirty don’t mean to speak about this por person but she had ring worm al over my daughter had it all over her I was I the shelter sis tom for 2years it was a big set back I fanaly got en apartment I was happy I could have freedom in my life geuss what I thought marrying my first love was my happy ending we we’re marry for four years and he was a busing me puting me down he was always spoiling my oldes daughter there was no signe or what you would expect a child molester to be he was a school teacher of 2nd grade I trusted him with my life the shild new he was poisoning me I could not get up I could not do nothing to help my self I started drifting in to a deep depression he was molesting my oldes daughter I don’t know if he was angry with me for having children with. A black man he was Spanish he would tell me al the time how much he hate the black man and I would say why you want to be with me I’m a black Haitian girl why you married me and he said you are my first love and the love of his life his sol mate we wanted to have a baby remember what I said wen I was young I was pregnant and what he said we went to a fertility clinic tried to give him a baby I geuss that’s why god punish him and remove him in my life we I was 14 god new of his heart in the futured so he remove him I was still in love with him I would pick out man that reminded me of him wich was my 2child father he reminded me so much of but he wasn’t him I should of never married him he was seedless children because the girl he left me for gave him a sexal trends meted desies that made him steral he hid not know that and I found out why he hate black man so bad the girl he left me for got pregnant with a black man and sheeted on him he was taking it out on me ,he a soom I was going to do him dirty because all girl are the same doing those 4years al I have been doing is tried to convince him I love him I would never sheat on him he had a very lowed selfies tine as a man and he was taching my daughter poisoning me turn her agince me he practically brain wash her she had believe there were going to married each other and I was going to die I one day fell to the grown could not breath they were holding hands wild I was on the grown waiting for me to die he call 911wen I past out as my light was going out I was puzzle how this two was standing on the front of me so wen I came back I stated to question my self what’s going on I was on to him but I had no clue this what I was going to uncover I put him in jail I wanted to died but I thought to my self my 2daughters they need me now mor than ever I can’t kill my self again I put it off I said wen they get older and no longer kneed me now they are getting older and I got with some one whom I thought I new he was suppose to be friend he took advantage of the fac that I wasn’t my self I hurting I had no one I can lean on I thought I was in love with him the same thing iam running for my life because he won’t let go he mest up my face I had to get stitches and my ears was hanging and he put me in jail I was the victim he was choking me I bit him to get away they put me in jail we 2chidren so now all together 4children and I lost the reson I wanted to be alive my teenager hates me my oldes is mentally abusing me and she’s hating me I had to call the police to get en order protection my son is artistic his 6years old and I have a 2 year Old girl I feel like I have no clue what I’m doing it wasn’t suppose to be that way I made a mess of things I feel some time they would be better of with out me my oldes daughter hats me . She said I’m not a good mother because the true is I’m not the same person I don’t know who iam what I’m doing with those kids that was not the plan maybe some one els could do a better job than me iam tuning in to my mother my mine is not the same it’s failing me people are telling me I’m very forgetful sometime I lost track of time I look heathy to people my hair is falling out I were a wig so no one noes I’m always smiling no one noes I could not work any morr the job notice that something was wrong now I don’t even go out it’s feeds the kids buy them what they needs I feel icy layed ted I feel suicidle but iam ashame I feel that I can’t speak with no one I need help I look al over the internet for a place I can excape to like being a nun doing gods work or something to get in to I don’t want to tell no one I’m feeling like that I don’t want to hurt my self but the thought com in to mined I feel they would be better of with out me there is no excape noway out no one to take the kids no family that could take them so ican get my mind strate and why put them through that I want to be hear until they turn 18 and no longer kneed me but what life iam giving them iam afraid of people or trust any one some one save me from the darkness in my mine please
I am family scapegoat. When I was 37 still attacked violently by brother. Escape?
“Mom” was angry I made a police report about that brother who tried to run down my WIFE and I with his car. You might say I hate him or my mom or my other brother for saying, “Don’t you report him… He is in a divorce and must have custody of his children.”
My wife had a f***ing stroke in ER? Sometimes to FORGIVE one must cut off the tsunami and live on higher ground as LITERALLY THEY discount all I am and all I love. If anyone is gonna die, well it won’t be my wife or me. I don’t have to wish them Ill. We all die in time. Tick talk. Bow to the clock.
As for me, I want to see Them suffer. I have always loved them.
Son, BIL, brother
If a person suicides, consider this is OUR monopoly game. Ride it out. If all you have is Lowly Baltic Ave, and rent is $2,000 and you will lose, LOSE by losing. Don’t flip the board. Or get UP and say “you win”. Maybe I’ll try that
Ive struggled with thoughts of suicide all my life. I just keep ending up back in positions of hopelessness and complete struggle. Right now i am in a hotel after leaving due to feeling like complete crap from the way my wife talks to me. I have a 7 month old baby at home who is truly amazing. Im so scared she is going to end up like me. Im powerless to change my own life so i dont think i can protect her which makes me feel even worse as a father. I dont have anyone in my life to confide in. I recently left our church due to stagnation. So the light that i might even have seen has gone dim. Ivr gone back and forth with these “fall outs” with no lasting change that i dont even have faith in God anymore. I just wish i could have rest. I dont want to cause destruction by killing myself but i just cant keep veing thrown through the torture chambers anymore. Please pray for me. I think one day i might have the courage to finally kill myself and i know thars the wrong choice.
Im young, and have gone through so much. Recently everythings just gone down hill. I use to self harm myself when i was younger and I stopped because I realized I was hurting my mom. I wasn’t living with my mom for a while because I was kicked out and I have recently moved back in. It was all good until I did something to make her not trust me again. My moms my everything because she’s the only person I have. but it sucks that she doesn’t like me for the things I’ve done. I’ve thought about ending it so much but the only thing holding me back is my mom and my boyfriend. I don’t want them to be hurt because i’ve chosen to leave. So many people talk about how after they end it that the people they love suffer so much. but i mean eventually they get over it. They move on. the pain they have is temporary. I wish I could just talk to my mom but she’s so complicated and talking about this to anyone seem lie im just bothering them with my problems so I just keep the thought to myself.
I also have this crazy obsession with suicide. I have been abused sexually/physically and emotionally as a child. My brother raped me. My grandfather when I was 10 would take me to McDonalds because he knew I loved French fries just to play with my 10 year old breasts. A fact I shared a few years back with my family. My mother divorced my father and moved to Las Vegas where my world would be thrust into a whole new craziness when she died while I was 17. Unable to finish school because I had to take care of myself and my wonderful father when I called to say mommy died and he said she made her bed, let her lie in it, I knew there was no place for me to go so I had to survive on my own. So lucky me, I met some wealthy people through a modeling job because I was a young, sexy little girl. In turn, they gave me the commercial but then set me up in a sweet apartment and had men come to visit me for sex. I was a high priced call girl. I was also a high priced call girl for MANY hotels in Vegas when they had a man needing a girl for the night or weekend. Again, I was a beautiful young girl. I did this even with a boyfriend because he loved the money. Long story short, I then became pregnant from the boyfriend only to find out I had to have an abortion because he gave me a sexually transmitted disease. Oh yea, these were the 80s! Cocaine, weed, alcohol and party all night long. Fortunately, there was a union strike and I was able to get a job as a cocktail waitress at the fabulous Las Vegas Hilton and my life started to change. I was finally capable of making honest money. However, my past always haunted me. I left the bad boyfriend only to move on to a guy who was respected in the hotel, yet he had his addictions. Cocaine. He broke my collarbone after throwing me over a couch when I wanted to leave him. Seems like that has been the story of my life, abuse. I went on to do well until I met my ex husband with whom I had a daughter with who is now 26. I went on to become a Paralegal. Got my shit together. Yet because of my mental illness, depression, PSTD, and panic disorder, my family has disowned me. I am just not good enough, not trying hard enough, not moving forward. My point….I am SICK of hearing about how the FAMILY is going to feel or how THEY will suffer. Damn it, I can’t even get my daughter to talk to me on the phone or even take me to the grocery store because she can’t handle my depression or crying. I gave my daughter all I could. She never wanted for anything. She always had a pretty stable home, bought her her first car, she got a full ride scholarship for law school because I fought to keep her educated and I am a well respected legal professional where I am. However, because I have issues with depression, it is all a joke in her dad’s family. So I am the joke. So for all of you feeling sad for the others you leave behind. PLEASE. If she cries ONE day for me, GOOD!! Maybe she will learn the one word all of us want EMPATHY! NOT SYMPATHY!! For God’s sake what is wrong with the doctors, the family, the public and society that just do not get the real of mental illness. I don’t chose to feel this way. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be abused. Even now, with all my depression, I have men who are only interested in getting some because I am “cute”. It even turns them on more that I am the damsel in distress so sooner or later their pants want to come down! And you have to wonder why I would want to take myself out??? Thank God he gave me a loving sweet German Shepherd to help me get through each day. However, stop with the selfishness comments. It is not selfish to NOT be cared for in life….PLEASE don’t feel sorry for yourself in my death. Such an oxymoron! Family are just looking for a excuse to feel better about their stupidity and ignorance of what their loved one was facing. And PLEASE don’t tell me you didn’t know. WE ALL who feel this way try to share it in the best way we know how. How many times have you heard, ohhhh just know GOD, just try something different, you will be okay, get rid of the dog, change your focus, it’s not as bad as you see it, lunch will help, etc. etc. etc. Bottom line, I don’t advocate suicide. I don’t want to take out the thought that I MIGHT actually not find that final beautiful moment that it goes away. However, I again, am very sick of hearing how it leaves others heartbroken. One should be heartbroken to know that their so called loved ones are in severe pain and it is THEN that you need to listen. Not ask for SYMPATHY when that loved one has had enough. ALL people in the pain of depression, loneliness, panic etc. reach out even in the smallest ways. Grow a loving heart to see it and maybe, just maybe if YOUR aren’t selfish, you can lead that precious horse to water!!!
I am feeling complete hopelessness and have been contemplating suicide. I just need to escape the emotional pain. I am in financial ruin. My business is on the verge of going under. My wife left me for another man several months ago. I see no way out. My creditors will soon be at my doorstep, and only a miracle could save me now. I’ve prayed and prayed to God for answers, for guidance, for a miracle but He has not answered. I want this pain to end, and short of a financial miracle that’s not coming, I cannot escape this. I’ve accepted my wife abandoning me…if only I could make the financial stress go away I believe I could find happiness again. But right now I’m so depressed that all of my motivation is gone. The only thing that gives me any will to live right now is that I have five beautiful daughters, and I know my death will hurt them deeply. But I just can’t go on anymore with this constant never ending pain and worry. I’ve lived a good life, a decent life, I’ve always been generous to others in need. But with my business having failed, and at my age, I see no hope, no chance at reinventing my life, and no other way out. I don’t even know how I will end it…I’ve researched different methods and frankly none of them give me comfort. I’m a coward when it comes to this, but I feel I must do it. I cannot endure much longer. I just pray that my girls will understand, and that they will be okay after I’m gone.
Hopeless in Colorado
Sadly, I know longer believe in treatment for myself. Ten people in my world have died by suicide and I suspect I will do likewise sooner or later.
Erika and the rest of you on hereon here. Has it ever crossed your minds that suicide can be a right decision? My life is a mixed up as everyone’s on here (through no-one’s fault except my own). I have an IQ of 175 so there are few people who can oversee me and explain where my decisions are incorrect. So as not to leave my family with financial burdens (they all have utter contempt and loathing for me because relative to them I am from another planet and another species) I am getting my affairs in order before I top myself. This means that after their tears subside (probably after a few days slamming me because they no longer have me as the oracle to solve all of their problems) they will forget and construct a myth about how I was god’s gift to humanity! A load of rubbish because I cannot stand humanity and good riddance to the lot of you. By the way, when I go, I will have killed over 7 billion of you (think about it for a few hours). So, just remember this, why is life precious? Who said so? It is an utter bore!
Ps. Because I also have a set of principles that none of you would have the slightest understanding of, I intend killing myself in the most painful way that I can think off (A pity I cannot die a thousand ways not just one). But on second thoughts, perhaps the most painful way for my life to be is to not commit suicide and to stay alive amongst you all!
?
There’s a grammatical error in this post, “their demise as they only reasonable choice”.. They, should be, the.
Also last night I felt so emotionally destroyed that I desired to drown myself in the tub. Even while being very committed to faith, I wanted it. The knowledge of that desire today weighs terribly on my spirit and I feel so down. Recovery is hard.
Suicide is all about extreme inner pain. I suffered from depression most of my younger life. It was tied to situations as I was a war baby in a very unstable home. I saw too much for my age and I blamed myself for not being able to make everything ok – even at a very young age. The bottom line … I am ok and in a very good place in life now. I am not depressed; instead, sad when I reflect on my earlier years. I wish people would not judge anyone who is unsuccessful in a suicide gesture. Instead, they should reach out with love, caring and understanding. Be a support system instead of tearing down someone who is already in a low spot. I have found those who usually are ‘so sympathetic and wished the successful person had only reached out’ are the same critical people. Stop judging – educate yourself and make the difference in helping.
Suicide is about extreme inner pain. I was a very depressed, suicidal person when I was younger. I am a ‘war baby’ that saw too much, too early. Being very sensitive, I felt it was my job to try really hard to make everyone around me ok and happy. When it didn’t happen, I blamed myself. At times, I felt life was not worth living. Being under so much stress, all the time, when someone rejected or hurt me, it only made me feel less important in this world…almost disposable like a paper towel. Sometimes, for whatever reason, life seems too heavy and dark. Instead of criticizing someone for a failed suicide attempt, why not try to help, understand, and be a positive influence? Usually, those critical people are the same ones that say ‘what a shame…if only that person had reached out’ about the ones that were successful. We are a nation with double standards. Those who are critical, how good would you feel if you knew you saved a life with a few kind words? It would change you forever….
I am very, very tired of the pain. I have gone through lots of therapy, off and on for over 25 years and don’t know how much more I can take. I fear failure for recovery and don’t feel like I could ever truly recover. It is very hard to go on.
The police know how to help me with suicidal thoughts? Yes, they will help by locking me up in a stinky cell with criminals.
The hospital/Psychiatrists know how to help me??? I have met at least 20 and they have all tried their concoctions & failed. Even the top Psychiatrists at Asia’s largest institute of mental science, NIMHANS came to the conclusion that I should leave my studies(though I had always been a good student) because I can’t take the pressure. Well, if I can’t take the pressure of medical studies (though I competed in one of the toughest competitive exams to get in medical school), how can I take the pressures of life, which is a tougher school than any in the world? I hope you will agree that life is tougher than any medical school. So what the famed Psychiatrists at NIMHANS were telling me(& rightly so) is that I can not take the pressures of life and so I should leave it(I.e., commit suicide). I tried several times, but miraculously escaped each time. Only I know what I am going through. Don’t dare to say that you understand. Wouldn’t it be fair to realize my agony & give me euthanasia?
I have a mental illness-psychosis/depression I have dealt with the suicide illness(which it’s a chemical in-balance in the brain)that does affect certain people, and I too have an illness and it’s suicide and its an emotional disorder. I have been on a journey for 30 years trying to work it all out. Suicide is a negative thought and you need to teach, yes teach yourself, repeat it in your mind to push, yes push, positive thoughts instead. Suicide emotional thoughts do pass, though its a split second thought to end your life. I know its an emotion pain, but while your in that thought exploit it. If you have repeated suicidal thoughts then, maybe you need to look further into yourself to help yourself overcome it. Another thing I do is that its ‘me’ that’s looking after the patient, which has a mental illness. I think too to think deeper to find solutions to overcome it.
And yes, it is an illness just like cancer, a lot of people are cured, though mental illness your never cured only recovered and most people with a mental illness have to live with the side effects of the medications that you have to have for the rest of your life. In Australia there’s one child a week that dies because of the suicide illness. Suicide is not selfish! its emotional pain.
I hope I have helped someone to live-on until 100 years old!:) Thank you that I came across this forum-I’m studying Diploma Case Management for mental health services. JMX
Sitting here lost alone very depressed. Writing to avoid the inevitable. Thanks for your expertise at writing so neatly about suicide. It’s actually messy sad complex intense and it actually makes good sense. When life gets too much to bear, we should be able to pull the trigger on our own lives and end it. It’s quite simple really. Just die, when you’re ready. Let life be over as you choose. It’s not about them or religion or politics or doing the right thing.. It’s about making a final decision to end it all. It’s dying with dignity, free will, power to choose your own destiny without being judged. No one lives in your shoes. “They” can’t tell you what’s right or wrong. It’s your own life or death. If your life is no longer worth living then, end it.
Here is my story.Ever since I’ve been a kid I’ve had a good life. Im a very introverted person. As a result I don’t have many friends. My mom was my rock that I could lean on. She has a lot of hopes for me. I’ve always wondered the meaning of life. Why I was here? What’s my purpose…etc.. I found somE reasons. Now I find none.Recently my mom had a brain stroke. after this I think I can’t feel compassion for anyone. She’s paralyzed.she was a very cheery person. I can’t see her like this. I’m also a kleptomaniac. So you can see one reason why the world would be off better without me. I also started failing university and have lost all interest in studying . I could keep ranting on…
My “demons” hit hard in the middle of the night. Like last night when the thoughts of finding a way out of the hell I find myself in overwhelm me. I am loved very much by my family and kids, but because of a dominating abusing exhusband I have developed an unhealthy self image. My greatest wish is to find a happy peaceful “place” where I can just breath. I just don’t know where it is or if it even really exists.
My family does not value me.
I feel worthless.
There is no purpose to my life.
My spouse has threatened to kill me several times. He hates me.
He wants sex, but complains about my “tiny tits”
It’s not as if I hid my flat chest from him.
His dick is almost invisible, but I never comment about that. He’s an asshole.
Hi JB,
It sounds like you are in a toxic relationship! The first thing I would do if I were you is to get my self out of that situation by either leaving him or working through a marriage professional. It is hard to see your value or purpose when you are living in a cycle of doomed.
I know this because I have been there. The five years I was married to my ex, was the same way. I was made to feel like I was a loser and was lucky to have her bc she knew about my rough childhood, like her family and the fact she went to church made her that much more better than me. She used our kids as a chain to keep me in her grasp and to accept thing her way or have hell to pay. I am not going to say that I was perfect and without fault in my part but the reality was that it was a toxic relationship that I had to get myself out of not only for my sake but for her sake and my kids sake. We were addicted to each other and not in a good way! When therapy didn’t work I filed for divorced. I quickly learned that it became a whole lot worse before it got better. But eventually it did become better! From being suicidal in the beginning to a couple of years from my divorce….
I am a better father now, I learned a lot about myself and my faults and was able to focus on becoming a better me! I would not be where I am today if I was still stuck in the repetiveness cycle of the toxic marriage I was in! I began to be able to see the value and self worth I have to bring, I began to experience good moments and life again. I am now building good memories for my kids, and am more successful in my career. Far from the loser that she made me believe I was!
Do not believe the lies and seek the approval of those people who do not have your best interest in mind to gauge your worth in this life! Know that you have so much to give and so much happiness yet to experience in your future. Remember that it may get worst before it gets better, but if you can survive it, it most definitely will get better!
Sincerely,
Victor Marmolejo
I often question why my life is so full of pain, and if it is worth trying to keep my head above water in what I describe as a groundhog type cycle.
I live in the UK and have been involved with psychiatric services since I was a boy. I am now 41 and feel the only reason I am still alive is my own cowardice to actually, take the pills or to take that step to actually end my own suffering.
someone threatened to kill me a week ago and I actually wanted to say to him, “please do” but couldn’t. He meant kill too, not a figure of speech.
my life is pain, some caused by my own mind and actions, some by others.
I feel trapped and lost.
Trying to find a reason for living. Something that is for me, Not living for someone else. Sure I can stick around because I can help others, Because my kids would miss me? they would get over it in a couple of weeks. Not good enough, Living with the pain every day, not just physical pain but emotional pain as well. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Tired of living, I have pain meds, but hate taking them. Maybe take them all at one time, but they make me sick. Wouldn’t do any good to take them all if I can’t keep them down. Sometimes I pray to God to take me, but I’m still here. I hate my life,
Hi Notformetosay,
I understand your pain. I have been there, mostly from the emotional standpoint I can only imagine how much more tormented you must feel dealing with constant physical pain. You may not be able to find or see a reason for living through your current state, but trust me it is there! Sometimes when times are tough it has to get worse before it gets better. Just know that it WILL get better. Try to focus only on those things which are in your control to change or affect and not waste your time or energy on the impossible. That is true for the past mistakes as well. Beating yourself up over past failures or mistakes does nothing to improve your right now. Instead dig deep and find those small moments or memories where you experienced some sort of joy or happiness! The birth of your children, falling in love, a past accomplishment, laughing so uncontrollable hard, memories of good times with friends or family, etc…. Remember how all of the despair which you felt before those moments seemed to disappear or not matter! That is reason enough to live right there my friend! The certainty that good things will happen again! You may not believe it right now, but if you think back to before those other happy thoughts you experienced, you probably didn’t think those would happen either. Focus on the now, and living the best you right now! A positive outlook has the power to trump a negative past! You are a survivor and a fighter… How do I know this, because I am one too! I know that you did not make it this far without being an overcomer! The sweetest revenge for overcoming failure is by being the best version of you today! So get out there and kick this life’s ass!!!
I sincerely hope that you are still around to read this and I hope that I will one day read an update on how well you are doing in the future!
Sincerely,
Victor
I have felt like many of you have and I have learned to use my writing about it as an outlet. May my sharing be a hope and empowerment to knowing that YOU are not alone!
Drowning In The Rain: by Victor Marmolejo
Sometimes I lay awake at night, thinking bout the rain
Wonder if I lay in it, if it’ll wash away the pain?
Will it drown out all my sadness and dilute mistakes I’ve made?
Or will the puddles form around me, and drown me in a watery grave?
Will those tiny raindrops falling and splashing on the ground,
Finally help my mind find rest as I close my eyes to the sound?
Oh how I hate the rain sometimes, oh how I miss the sun,
But why is it that when there is no rain, that I long for it to come?
Why do sorrows seem to drown me when the sky pours down on me?
But when it’s dry , my souls in drought, and life seems so lonely.
I shake my fist and shout above to the clouds hanging over head.
I curse the Bringer of the floods and think sometimes I’d rather be dead.
How could you bring this wrath on me.? Why can’t I be someone, somewhere else?
But could it be…maybe…possibly..that I bring the rain upon myself?
I’m lying awake tonight, wondering about all this rain
Except there is no rain out, but inside are clouds of pain
I’m drowning in my bed with drops of all the mistakes I’ve made.
Puddles are streaming down my cheeks, forming a watery grave.
I’m praying as tears like rain drops fall splashing on the ground,
That my mind and soul can rest tonight, I close my eyes…but there’s no sound!
I have felt like many of you have and I have learned to use my writing about it as an outlet. May my sharing be a hope and empowerment to knowing that YOU are not alone!
Life Goes On: by Victor Marmolejo
Sometimes, I close my eyes, and imagine death.
Place my hand on my chest, as I take a breath.
Look in the mirror, as tears stream down my face.
Such an ugly picture, to take, to ones grave
I look at photos, of those I’d leave behind
Wish that I could fast forward, or press rewind
Reminiscing, thinking, on those better days
Wishing I could change, some of my evil ways
Stare at the bullet, look up and pray for peace
Will life’s questions be answered, when I’m deceased?
Will life truly be better, when I am gone?
Open your eyes, the bullet cries…Life goes on!
All that is left, in the left side of my chest.
Is pain that weighs like a brick, wont let me rest.
My broken heart tells me that I cant make it.
Regrets I did repent but still cant shake “em.
Nagging voices in my head that wont let up.
Urging me, constantly, to just give up.
Will mistakes that are haunting me, ever stop?
Or is my only way out, a cheap pine box?
I watched as she walked away, and didn’t look back.
Listened to her nasty words, when she attacked.
Now the gun is on my lap, and she is gone
Imagine myself lying dead, while for her – life goes on
She’s living and loving life, but I’m not there
My bodies still warm in ground, She doesn’t care
She married and having kids, I’ve been dead a while
Life never stops, not even for a little while
I think about my kids who now don’t have me there
I claw at my casket, for even deaths not fair
“Dad was a coward” I hear my son sadly exclaim.
As he looks down at my grandchild that he must raise
Now grandpas pleading for a chance just to see him once.
I’m screaming for mercy, to meet my young grandson.
Was it worth it to escape life, in death my pains not gone,
I’m awake now as I thank God, for Life does goes on!
I have felt like many of you have and I have learned to use my writing about it as an outlet. May my sharing be a hope and empowerment to knowing that YOU are not alone!
Deserving (clean version) by Victor Marmolejo
As I reflect on things I wish I could forget, and think about this pain that won’t relent, I KNOW… that I deserve it.
I recollect, the memories that I regret, and paint these haunting pictures in my head, NIGHTMARES… oh I deserve them
I lay awake, many nights with such nagging thoughts, reliving all those times we loved and fought, HEARTACHE… and I deserve this
A nasty fate, for me to reap what I have wrought, I seek but never find what I’ve sought, MY FATE… yes I deserve this
Pray to a god, who I question every day, wrestling and struggling with my faith, I’M LOST… and I deserve this
He’s shown his face, many times which I can’t deny, yet I still ask who, when, what, where, or why? CONFLICT… and I deserve it
As I sit here, and take a good look at myself, I admit, I well earned this living hell, TORMENT… oh I deserve it
But still I know, things you said, that I don’t deserve, to be cursed and condemned by all your words, SHAMEFUL.. I don’t deserve that
You prophesied, that without you I won’t succeed, joy, happiness, and love weren’t meant for me, NONSENSE… I don’t deserve that
You made mistakes, yet you live like your innocent, placed me as fault for this relationship, BLAME GAME., I don’t deserve that
Yes all those lies, you told without blinking eyes, “I love you” you said aloud with your opened thighs, MIND RAPED, I didn’t deserve that
Truth be told, now many things have been revealed, you lied, but what i felt for you was real, LOST TIME… I don’t deserve that
But life goes on, I’ve come to terms and learned to deal, I’ve come clean and my wounds will one day heal, WILL YOURS?… Do you serve to?
I will move on, and forget all my hurtful fears, my eyes will dry and smiles will replace tears. AWAKE… (I see now) I didn’t deserve YOU!
I deserve more! To be loved for all that I am, to be appreciated as a man, RESPECT… Yes, I deserve that
To live life blessed, because with passion I do love, despite my sad past which I rose above, STRONG WILL.., and I deserved that
To find someone, who sees all of the best in me, who will enjoy, when I treat her like a queen, FAIRY TALE… she will deserve that
To live my life, and forget all about your lies, grow old, and die, with loved ones by my side, FULFILLED -life… we all deserve that
I wish you best, because there’s no more time to waste, forgiveness and rebuilding shouldn’t haste, CLOSURE… we both deserve that
I’ll leave with this, “People are bigger than this earth”‘ “yet many die and never know their worth”… SO THINK… Do I deserve that?
I have felt like many of you have and I have learned to use my writing about it as an outlet. May my sharing be a hope and empowerment to knowing that YOU are not alone!
Tears and Thanksgiving! By Victor Marmolejo
I sometimes can’t help but think on things that I thought I would rather have forgotten. There are some moments and memories of my life that were once filled with pain and shame. As a kid my life was such a mess. I don’t recall ever looking at my childhood life with any happy thoughts. There were no birthday parties, and I can’t remember of many happy occasions or holidays I looked forward to. I thought about suicide, and survival. I wondered how I could get today over with and how the heck I was going to get through tomorrow. In school I tried to fit in by pretending to be like everyone else. I would make up stories about the fun I had during the summer and winter breaks. I invented happy times and wrote about the awesome birthday parties, Christmas gifts and Thanksgiving feast we had. The truth was, there were scarcely and parties, gifts, or feast. As a kid I experienced fear and violence. The food stamps intended to feed us were cut in half and traded for cash for alcohol or other items outside the intended purpose. There were 8 of us kids, one not so loving mother, and no fathers or steady checks from either of our fathers coming in. On most Thanksgivings and Christmases, we would wake up at five in the morning and stand in line in downtown Houston with the homeless people to enjoy a Thanksgiving meal, and visit Catholic Charity churches in hopes of getting more food, clothes, and presents. I remember how cold it was standing in an outside line during winter, and the foul smell of alcohol and urine all around us, But we were dirty little kids used to our own odors, so whose to say those homeless people didn’t have to put up with my smell too! There were also constant beatings at home, and having to fight all of the other kids in the entire neighborhood it seemed! My neighborhood was hard enough to survive without people knowing that you were a scared, abused, and underfed, poor kid. I wondered how many other families if any were like mine…pretending to be well off, while living a life of hell. There was fear, pain and tears, man were there pain and tears, but I had to keep them in, my tears had to be shed in private! I hate to think about those times, because it brings back feelings that I no longer like to carry… If I speak about them even with my siblings, my closest friends, and those few in my life that I feel intimate enough to share some things with… my demeanor changes and I become somewhat different, I become that fearful, and angry person again! I have to shake my head, snap out of it, and bring myself back from my subconsciousness and back into my “Now” reality. But yet, still I can’t help but think about those terrible times that were filled with tears and be thankful. That’s right I said I am thankful for them!
Thanksgiving is just about a day away, and this one is not going to be one of those Thanksgivings I look forward to every other year. This is going to be one without my kids. A Thanksgiving that in the past I would find it hard to get out of bed on. I usually turn my phone off and shut all social media down, ignoring all of the phone calls and invites from my friends who know me and are in good will trying to get me to not shut myself out from the world for another holiday. My friends and family all try to help me and want me to enjoy a holiday without my kids. In the past I would find it difficult to do this because all I would see is my kids everywhere, with every other family, besides mine. All it reminded of was that I did not have my kids there! So I would rather stay in and avoid it all until it was over. However for over a year now, I have been on a journey of self awareness, growth, and living in the “Now”. I focus on what is good, right now, what good I can do, right now, what is in my control, right now. I have learned that living in the miserable past, and thinking about the horribleness of my life, my mistakes, and my problems does nothing for me but keep me from living my best today. And worrying about tomorrow has but the same effect. I have truly been happier and more at peace since, than I have ever been. Not problem free, mistake free, or worry free, but happy nonetheless and thankful.
I look at my children and see their happy smiles. It makes me smile…and happy, to see them live and experience “a childhood”. It’s not the perfect childhood situation, and I am by no means the perfect father. I am divorced, and make many mistakes as a parent, I’m constantly bumping heads with their mother, and I feel like I could and should be doing so much more for them! But when I look at my children in retrospect to my own childhood, I am full of thanksgiving for every childhood tear that I cried and that today my kids don’t have to. When they get older, I can only imagine, that they will look at my grand kids one day who won’t have to struggle through the things they had to struggle with and feel the same way. I am grateful that I have been given the maturity to be able to look at my past and the pain and to recognize that I am a survivor and that I am stronger and I am better person today because of it all. This year, I will count all of my blessings and not forget about yesterday’s tears in my Thanksgiving!
I have felt like many of you have and I have learned to use my writing about it as an outlet. May my sharing be a hope and empowerment to knowing that YOU are not alone!
Good Things: by Victor Marmolejo
If I could pass some lessons learned through my life on this earth
Number #1would be: To appreciate TODAY for all that it’s worth
Life is a merely a series of moments that can pass in a flash
And having a positive outlook helps trump a negative past
This is YOUR journey to live, why not enjoy the course?
We’re meant to live life in the now, not live with remorse
Life never promised that there’d be no sadness or shame
From the depth of our valleys, we must remember all the good things
In the midst of the storms, when life is pouring down rain
Through the stinging of tears we must see past the pain
Don’t focus on past mistakes made, that you’d rather forget
And all those “I love you’s” once said repeat them today without any regret
I know sometimes the heart hurts and sometimes the heart breaks
I’ve had my fair share of heart breaks and I’ve cause many heart aches
But through each experience I’ve learned so much of myself
I know this journey is mine and not meant for anyone else
In life there’s so much I’ve lost, yet I don’t count myself robbed
Instead I choose to count myself blessed that I once had them all
Before my time expires and I have seconds left
I want nothing but good things to speak from my last breath
It’s just those small good memories which I’ll choose to see
When I’m laying inches from death and my life flashes before me
So if life has you down and your feeling sadness or shame
You find yourself deep in a valley and storms are pouring down rain
Know that your journey is not over, and there is still some time left
More good moments await you, don’t dare take your last breath
Don’t let your life flash before you and not ever see
The good things life has left and meant for only YOUR memories
Through the stinging of tears you must see past your pain
It’s worth it, I promise to see nothing but good things