What happens when it hurts too much to live? Can it really be too painful to live one more moment with emptiness, depression, and despair? Yes, for some people suicide seems like the only way out.
Not every person who contemplates killing themselves is truly interested in ending their time on earth. For many, suicidal thoughts are about escape — musing about the idea of leaving the bonds that bind them to other people, responsibilities to burdens, and the despair of what they can’t change. If they could just escape it, maybe they still could go on somehow. Not right now, but after a while. They just need to get away from it.
Suicidal thoughts and actions are also sometimes paired with strong impulses and low inhibitions. This can happen with drugs and alcohol, bipolar disorder, or any personality style that leans more toward action than consideration. When a depressed or desperate mood gets legs, a person could be in real physical danger.
These are all fictional examples, but you can see how impulse plus mood problems can equal suicide.
- A person in despair over a broken relationship sits on the train tracks where the train traffic is regular. They’ve had several beers and are feeling everything so strongly.
- A person with rapidly shifting moods has had a lot of problems lately. They are driving in their car and are thinking about what would happen if they slammed into a wall or tree.
- A person who’s had trouble in the public eye and a history of depression and drug use. They become sick of the daily emotional rollercoaster, grab their gun, and load up a few bullets.
Many people each day are walking around with enormous amounts of emotional pain. Living is difficult, they’ve lost loved ones, the future looks bleak, and they feel backed into a corner. But not everyone contemplates suicide. Some hold very strong religious beliefs that prevent them from ever taking any action. Others hold an important value on life in general, and can tell themselves that there has to be another way.
Sadly, many people do have very scary thoughts about ending their life. Some come very close to the brink of action before pulling back. Others only have fleeting thoughts. The “invasion” of depression into a person’s mind can make difficult things seem much more than just difficult — they become impossible.
They see no reason to live on after their spouse has died. They see no way out of their financial troubles. They think there is no more purpose for them after their serious injury or illness. This black and white thinking can trap a person into a narrow chute, seeing their demise as they only reasonable choice. And I’m not saying that the pain isn’t real or extremely intense. It’s the thought process and judgment that balances emotion, and depression thinking just isn’t straight.
For any of you who have been down this path, I invite you to add on comments and expand on this little post. There’s no way a few hundred words can do justice to the topic except to introduce it. If you are feeling strongly about suicide and don’t feel safe, I urge you to contact your local police or hospital right away. They are trained to help you get through your immediate crisis, and then get you the further specialized mental health help that you need. And for those I have known who have taken their own lives, your deaths have made a lifelong impression on me.
706 comments
When you said that “Depression thinking just isn’t straight” were you bearing in mind the research that suggests that those who are depressed are better able to accurately predict their exam results than those who see the world through rose-tinted glasses? We seem to want to change people rather than change the increasingly toxic environment they live in. Why? Because that same toxic environment is also beneficial for those who have the power to change it. Another article I have just read suggests that rats, genetically modified for non-depression will develop depression of they are physically restrained (i.e. helpless & powerless & hopeless) for no more than 2hrs per day for 2 weeks. You are fortunate that you have never experienced a life situation that you are unable to control or change ( and they DO exhist). You are also fortunate that your parents were “good enough” when teaching you how to cope with life circumstances and the fact that most of the world doesn’t care much what happens to you. You should also be aware that the staff in most A&E dept’s are NOT trained to help, don’t have the time or the financial resources to help, and actually feel and demonstrate outright hatred for those who have attempted suicide. I spent 4 hours unattended in a cubicle (no staff talked to me, let alone assessed me or sought to treat me) and was then passed to a Ward bedside where I was left sitting without any human contact and no water to drink, despite asking for this. No nurse, no doctor, no Psychiatrist came anywhere near me. 4 hrs later I was so cold & thirsty that I walked out – no concern from anyone. This was the first and last time I will seek help from the NHS when I feel actively suicidal again. Also, I asked a Psychologist (at our first session) if we could talk about why I was feeling so strongly suicidal and he said he wouldn’t talk about it as it was really selfish of me to burden him with this kind of thing. He kept his word and refused to help in any way – what do we pay them for? I stopped seeing him. He is a career Psychology manager and not a caring professional in any way. Why should we selfish ill people think about how our death will impact our “loved ones” when those same loved ones do absolutely nothing to notice our pain, let alone do anything to help. Their sadness after our death is nothing but the need to be seen to be caring individuals to the rest of their social circle (“I’m a good person, so they must be selfish”). Control, influence, efficacy & autonomy are nothing but illusions (or delusions) that allow us to feel safe in a world that is, quite frankly, not.
Wow. I’m actually speechless…. I’ve never, ever heard anyone who can encapsulate my experience of mental illness so articulately. I came across this site because I’m having a “flare up” of my depression, but this time I can’t stop the pain. I can hardly move and spend a lot of time resting on the floor when my body feels like gravity is crushing me. I dont understand why we are treated like scum. I used to work as a psychologist, and I can’t understand the cold hearts that are in the field.
I agree with everything that you have said.
I totally agree. I have nobody that cares about me except maybe my son. Our so called loved ones don’t give a shit about our pain. I’ve been telling my husband how bad off I am and he just judges and lectures me about how ungrateful I am.He scolds that I have “no reason to be depressed”. I beg to differ, poverty, loneliness, isolation, feeling like I can’t get anywhere in life despite years of trying and struggling and an unhealthy marriage at best.
I agree. It’s so hard dealing with this alone without social support. My son is 10 and is the only reason to get up in the morning. I want to get better for him. He deserves a better mum. I feel like life is a constant battle. I hate how hard it is.
Hey hi! Though I do agree with you that not everyone is blessed with a caring environment/upbringing etc, but I do believe that it is not the responsibility of others to make sure that we feel good and loved. I have come to realise that when we focus on pursuing happiness, we will be so fixated on trying to get it, and we end up won’t get it. However, if we shift our focus on trying to bring happiness to others instead, maybe it might help? As in, it gives u a sense of control and power, as if like, you have great control over your life, you feel so stable to the extent that you can even help others? It’s all self deception but still, I think it is much better than dying, because if you die, u will miss out the opportunities that the future might bring. Miracles do happen sometimes.
-From someone who has given up on seeking happiness from other fellow human beings.
Like u said, not everyone cares whther u live or die srsly. Then don’t care about them as well. Just live on,selfishly. But don’t die pls.
You seem to be forgetting that depression is a physical thing, with many changes in brain chemistry and in actual physical changes inside various parts of the brain. It’s not a “Get over it!” or a “Do good for others” sort of solution to fix it deal. Sure, maybe for a short time we may mask the physical changes, but it’s not a long term fix just because you change an attitude. It’s a long term kind of repair job. So please don’t trivialize what we feel inside and how much pain we are in with trite sayings. It’s NOT helpful.
I hear what your saying and your obviously seeing the same thing I am. I totally agree with your perception and comments because I love the same life.
This has to be the most in depth comment on the subject I have read. When you are ill and NEED help, where are family? we love you, miss you. “Oh we wish there was something they could find” so you could get better, like you have flu and going to spring out of bed with zest and get over it. It just seems to pile up. One thing after another fighting for financial help, fighting sharks for money you have paid in the system yet are made to feel like a second rate citizen. Treated with utter contempt at hospital as your illness and the depression gets mentioned only to put anxiety on the diagnosis discharge. When in fact you have gone in for extreme abdo pain through a surgeon taking a healthy gall bladder out and suffering in hell since. Lost seven stone in five months and look anorexic, could NEVER be that as loved food and enjoyed healthy eating and a treat once a week. Now I have an infection. The surgeon consultant told me if pain got worse don’t worry we will have you straight in here on IV antibiotics as cant tolerate oral ones as allergic to most. Went to see the primary health doctor at hospital he sent me straight up to a ward with notification for IV treatment to be started. Was left four hours in a wheelchair in agony. No pain relief given and when asked for something to help ease the pain was told from a nurse we have not got your name and don’t know anything about it despite the letter the doc downstairs gave me. They look at you as if you are asking for drug attention when asking for pain relief. I believe that is the terminology. My own GP has prescribed oral morphine for the pain as its constant now with added problems. Take it only when it gets so severe if rolling on the floor crying asking god to make it all stop. Yes I can relate and it is so wrong on many levels. I have paper work and problems filling things in due to the pain and my body cannot handle any stress as it sends me into complete overdrive. Yet others make it as hard as possible for you and trying to get help is a joke. There seems nothing but darkness and HOPE is a long road off. Feeling like there is NO way out of this hell as more pressures keep coming. My father died years ago and was so very close to him and know I was blessed with a chance to have his last years of life caring for him. The vultures and sharks all around trying to take everything from him. I took on a fight of my life that nearly topped me over the edge. aFive departments were taking piece by piece from my hope of justice and my sanity. After years I got it but was left feeling drained and deflated and NEVER really had the time to grieve because of the vultures out there. Devil’s in suits. Many times I have thought of how easy it would be to take more morphine just to sleep and be left in peace. The only thing stopping me is that speck of HOPE that am praying will turn around. Why? is everything a fight with departments and hospital never mind the financial pressures and the looks because you are in a wheelchair trying to just get wheeled passed a person or people. Made to feel like an alien. Little do they care it was 7 months before you had a few hours outside. Even then there is always someone who’s only priority is getting home to make the tea. Told my consultant he is sanctimonious as he declined saying yes to keeping me in hospital to have the treatment I need for this new infection. Stuff the fact I have malnutrition and look like death already. Have reported several doctors to the GMC for what use it does. They are protected with barristers all around like they are playing GOD. My sister died several years ago aged 45, terminal cancer. Seems she had taken too much morphine at home. The toxicity report took over 6 months and that with other medication is what made her blood pressure drop so low she went into a coma. Two rounds of chemo and knowing what was coming next and after opted for the way she wanted to go peacefully. Seriously makes one wonder what the **** we are fighting for. Vent over just wrote what came in my head even though its filled with fog. Hope we all find hope and help.
Wow, this has impacted me. It’s very true ! Some people act like they care, but deep down they really dont. Your right about a show. They have to let people think they gave a damn. But we only have this one life, and one day it will end for goid. So try to hold on till the final end. N just LIVE LIFE !!!
Absolutely! I am constantly told about how much my Aunt loves me, however, she has her son and his wife for support everyday and NEVER calls! I’m so close to just finding a very quick and peaceful way out of this he’ll we call life.
I have anxiety and depression, been hospitalised a couple of times. This week has been horrific everything that was going so well has broke into pieces all future possibilities, even today everything has gone wrong it’s almost like I’m cursed. I’ve been studying psychotherapy for about a year, I sometimes wonder if some unconscious part of me doesn’t want to get rid of all my depression. Its almost like the more of my buttons that gets pressed the more satisfying , the more easy it is to….it’s almost like its like that for a purpose. I was just googling to see if this was anywhere on the web and found this.
I have noticed myself that sometimes we are both hopeful of getting help and at the same time resistant of getting it. It’s one of the tricks our brains pull on us. If you think of your brain as a car engine, it’s not just the battery is weak, or a spark plug isn’t firing, or there’s a wire burnt in two that causes the engine to run rough. It’s rather that your engine has several things going wrong at once. You can’t just fix the wire and get better, or change spark plugs, or change the oil. It’s a slow long term process with the correct medications and therapy suited for yourself that can slowly repair your engine. If your brain is fighting itself, it may in a way become addicted to the feelings of the total pain you feel. Once you ARE on a correct set of treatments, using medications, therapy and meditation, you should feel better and then you can see how your brain was trying to sideline your recovery.
I became depressed 2 years after my release from prison. I hit the world full force and climbed life very quickly. I immediately got back together with my ex of 7 years whom I am still with.
January 2015 I started and ran my own trucking company and with bad weather and very little clients my business struggled. My Fiance got a job and began working 80 hours for 6 months.
We are now current with me.
I became depressed from a lack of work at the start. I then began to reflect like never before and resurfaced the heavy physical abuse and sexual abuse as a child. This is where I became more sad. But now, all of this behavior has pushed the love of my life from me and what was once a truly beautiful, healthy relationship has turned into trouble for her and large hurt for me.
She now has been physically distant. I have not had a full embrace from her in weeks. Sex is almost forced it seems. She’s not interested and if I don’t look or try to engage with her she will spend every last moment with me on her phone or communicate with others while I sit there, silent. This has me in a state far worse than I’ve ever felt. Everyday feels like she slips further. And what’s worse is every time I want to tell her she says she doesn’t have time for this. To stop feeling and get sold of myself. To get going because life is not waiting and she cannot either. It makes it worse and worse. I have no one to turn to and every night she sleeps quietly while I cry and lay on the floor of the closet before she can notice.
I’ve always been a very strong man with strong character and I honestly believe this is why she is freaking out. But I’m hurting so bad , I don’t want to feel this. At this rate she will become so cold as I slip deeper into the pain. I told her I just need her love and support but she says she can’t. She can’t let me affect her anymore.
She’s cried for Toy Story 3, Finding Nemo,almost every Rick and Morty episode. But when she told me she pushed away so far. No tears. When she told me “you need me, I don’t need you” no tears. As a matter a fact I broke down so hard I had to hide my face and she walked away.
Here I am for the first time in my life, admitting my pain. Looking for a way to normality even thought I can’t get out of bed, and if I do, I can’t get out of my house, and if I do I can’t even get out of the car. And if I do I end up leaving right away and race home to sit in the dark until she arrives from work to be annoyed by me and my weakness.
Unfortunately we cannot look to others to make us happy. First, we have to find ways to allow ourselves to BE happy. If we can’t find ways to be happy within ourselves, no one else can ever make us happy. Indeed, we can’t afford to look to others for our own happiness.
Once you can find happiness inside yourself, and find ways to fulfill your own needs, then and only then can we find happiness with others. It is not their job to make us happy. You cannot force someone to be happy. IF you are happy WITH yourself, and in yourself, once you find confidence in your own abilities, then you can GIVE of yourself to another.
And if a person doesn’t want to be with you, you just have to let them go, in that way. Maybe stay friends, or just find another way without them. Good luck.
Atoms, you do need other people to support you right now. As it has not been that long that you have had pain comingvto surface, its not clear that you are someone who will not heal and no longer need help. You are just like strong man with a serious health problem. Even some men fighting things like cancer feel weak because men are supposed to conquer even death, but they are not weak. At the same time, men can refuse tohandle their emotions and look to women to do it. Thst does not seem like you yet.
Its so kind of you to hide in the closet, really, even if you are ashamed snd scared. In your own way you are protecting her while you protect yourself.
You should find other people to help you while YOU get through this serious emotional injury. You might want to look
To other men first, or older women who are old enough to be your mom. The sort of person who cries at Toy Story Three has trouble with their own childhood. That is why she is so cold. She does not want to go where you are. It sounds like she had to pretend she did not need anyone at times when she did. She maybe can’tmeet you where you are. I am so sorry.
Hi , i feel your pain reading this.how are you ,did you get better.
Yes, it can be too painful to endure. When depression becomes very severe all I do is breathe and then take another breath. When the pain becomes too much, I slice into my legs with razor blades. This provides temporary relief. I am not ashamed. Pain changed me. I could only distract from it for so long. Suicide is the natural response to unending emotional agony. Perhaps some people are naturally stronger and others not – but humans are not made to endure extraordinary emotional pain forever. Sadly – suicide will continue until we find a cure for the worst pain of depression.
I’ve always been a religious person I’ve always cared and and held life in the highest regard. I’ve never wanted to take my life ,I guess ive been in a place where the pain was so great, the depression mainly. Depressed from the Shame harboring loads of guilt from letting down the most precious people in my life and more
And it compound’s and compound’s and everybody says it will get better as time goes on it will get easier but mine never did it got worse. It continued to get worse and if I was a hundred percent sober it was borderline unbearable and the worst part about all of it is it was my fault and I think that’s where the tremendous amount of guilt comes from. I really don’t want to hurt my family and my in-laws or my son but life without them is one thing but life without them because of my faults ,actions,and lack of listening and there belief that I held something above them and they came second ,besides God. Was another variable. I had every warning and the most wonderful, beautiful,smart,caring,loving,perfect wife and son. Her mother and her side of the family were not only role models her grampa was the greatest idol of anyone I’ve known or read about. I really got what I deserved and that’s OK too. I just have a very hard time coping with the fact that my soul mate and who I’m meant to be with forever and grow old with, not only GT rid of me she hates me and since the day I was kicked out they all,her side of the family,have never called ,including my sone nor asked anyone about me and my progress. Which my progress was short lived and really of no importance. I know for 100% deep in my heart and soul that everyday even the days I was told to leave and not come back or contact anyone, I’ve loved them all more and more especially my wife and son. I think it’s a escape and weak to commit suicide. Not to mention a one way ticket to purgatory. The issue is that it is much better than where you I’m at and my life without my family. It’s really nothing g personal or mental problems it’s really that I’m beginning to believe I’m in hell and it’s already been done. Please don’t take this the wrong way but if you are reading this please don’t commit this permanent solution to a temporary problem because even the battle I’m fighting is much better that I stay strong and for ght and so do you for that shows strength and the hell your loved ones would experience is not something I would wish on my enemy. Life is a battle a fight a trial and a test and it’s worth the pain sorrow and experience for the chance at salvafulion and everlasting paradise. I know if I stay strong and work hard on myself that my paradise is that I’m back with them. I hope I could help or shed some laughs ght in your time of darkness. God bless and keep fighting because he made us strong and we are his soldiers and his children.
I agree I’ve been just “enduring” pain for way too long and I’m going to break
I am delighted to have been blessed with DAB. Depression, Anxiety, And Bipolor. When my meds get a little off my whole world goes awry. My family is happy to tell me they don’t know how to help because they don’t get me or my affliction. That makes me just want to go isolate ans cry harder. My therapist hits me with “that close of talking is not professional”. Explaining as a friend would what the hell is happening to me is not professional? Sometimes that’s how we can understand. I understood them individually, but a week ago when the triplets hit all at once I thought I was dying and unless your suicidal the hospital won’t help you either. It’s not Mental Help it’s Mental Invisability….
After finding out about my husband (still) cheating on me and having my kids at his “mistresses” house with him. He made them promise to not tell me, I don’t know if I can live anymore…. It just hurts to even wake up at times. I have no friends or really anyone to talk to…. IDK what to do anymore, I want to die so much – but I’m too scared to do anything.
Hi,
I just want to tell you that I was suicidal, and attempted, for the second time, in December. I am still suicidal in the way that I have given-up hope, and even though I know I will never, EVER try it again, it doesn’t help the feeling. I understand that very well.
My husband cheated on me numerous times. I only found-out last year, and we stayed together, and I think that induced more delayed trauma and emotional upset than I ever thought would. My husband and I broke-up after nearly 12 years together, but you need to know, that #1, you have to think of yourself FIRST. You are putting yourself down by staying with him. He is counting on his happiness as the priority. He could care less about your feelings. So, please, please, and know that I am giving you the best advice here in-truth: Leave him. If you have a job or enough money, get your own apartment and your own space. Second, get a custody arrangement together. Be the first one to hire a family lawyer, and make sure they are the best (only the very best reviews as well). Do what You need to do to make Your life better. Better for you, and better for your kids.
By the way, know, that when you die, there can be Nothing. No one actually knows what happens when we die. Remember this: Death is uncertain. Life is.
U need to get your life. Make sone friends. I can’t emphasis how important frens are. You should not revolve your world around ur husband . Get some social support out there, I believe you can do it!
It’s almost been a year of solid depression. My ex fiancé was the only reason I even bothered with living. She was my entire world. I quit opiates for this girl, and I was clean for over three years. We are both in our early twenties. I enjoyed my life as a cook, but I made no money. So we could have a future I gave up cooking to become an electrician. When I started my new occupation I hated it. I still fucking hate it. I loved her so much, and once I started making money she said I was selfish. She had told me she was pregnant, and got an abortion so no part of me would be in her life when we broke up. For three months I couldn’t sleep. I only ate when hunger drove me to near psychosis sometimes between periods of two to three days. It took my family stopping multiple suicide attempts, and even locking away all the cutlery, and razors. I was finally put on stronger medication.
I’ve been able to live relatively sane for the past six months, but I see little point in it. I still rely on my job for money. My “friends” who I reconnected with keep going on drug binges like we use too before I met my ex. I’ve been trying to date, and move on. Maybe find someone who I can keep fighting back this monotonous cycle of depression for. However, I’ve struck out completely the one girl even said she was embarrassed at the thought of being with me. I guess everyone sees I’m a waste of breath, and time. My family loves me, but my grandma is very ill. I only feel like a burden to her deteriorating health, and my uncle seems to use me as a unfavorable comparison to make himself feel good. My grandfather died when I was in my teens, and my mother was an abusive addict who I lived with for a decent bit of my childhood. I’ve always suffered from severe chronic depression for most of my life. I had survived my first attempt at age 11 when the belt I used to hang myself with broke. I so badly want a gun just to finally end it, but the thought of my grandma having to identify my mutilated corpse keeps me out of the sporting goods store away from the 12 gauge shotguns, and slugs. I wish life would pan out for me just once! I just want to be normal so I can have a family, and work to make them happy. It just seems that will never happen. I need a way out. Drug cocktails never fucking work I just want to go quietly.
I tried to kill myself twice, had an emotionally abusive childhood, and recently split with my husband of 12 years. No children. I’ve been depressed since I was 6, and think if I would have known of ‘suicide’ or something like it, I probably would have tried it too. We can’t help what has happened to us in the past. I am glad that you’re free of your ex. She sounds toxic and cruel. My husband went out with a girl after I tried committing suicide. Don’t ever attempt it again, because there is nothing on the other side. No consciousness, no You. That’s not comforting, because you aren’t there to live and breathe, hear the birds, actually enjoy those things in life you really do!!
Think of your grandma. Think of yourself. Be on your own, make new (different) friends, get rid of your old friends. They are not your real friends. Also, a bad influence! Look into what you want to do as a career. Are there things about being an electrician that you like? Is it the company/ environment that’s the problem? Think of why you got into it in the first place. If you like being in a trade, look at the other trades, and see if there’s something you like better. Carpentry, plumbing? I don’t know if they offer this where you are, but where I am, the gov’t or college offers a course/ program where you can try out all the different trades. Perhaps there is something you can do/ learn after-hours, at night, after work.
Keep your head-up, and don’t ever forget that you are special, and different, and you need to be proud of yourself.
Also, stay away from influences that harm you. If that means family, don’t see them as much, but don’t cut yourself off. Just change the people you associate with, to keep you healthy and Not depressed. Put some purpose to your life.
– And when I say purpose, I mean, giving yourself a project or goal that is all your own.
I am sorry to know that you have experienced so much heartbreak. Your story rings so crystal clear and loudly for me as I have been through severe emotional torment as well. I also am in my twenties, twenty-five actually.
I know this reply is over a year from your original posting of this, and I wish I could have seen this sooner. In any case, I hope I am not too late to try, and if there is even the tiniest fraction of a chance that I am not too late, no matter how small, I will still take a shot at this.
I myself was in a relationship for a good 5, maybe 6 years. There were so many warning signs, so much abuse. I noticed alot of the signs, some of them I missed but looking in hindsight I see them now. The reason I stayed was because I did not want to be alone. I was lonely and miserable all the time. I had no one. Only this one person, so I held on as tightly as I could, no matter what he did, even though he was slowly killing me and tearing me apart bit by bit.
The first warning sign was he would never bring his friends up usually, and the ones he did and the ones he let me meet, which was very few, only had bad things to say about from the very beginning, I had no reason why. I was brought to tears on many occasion, I could not understand why they were so hateful to me when they had just met me. It made absolutely no sense. If I was in this situation, and someone had harrassed and bullied him as his friends did me, they would not be my friend any longer and I would of defended him to the death, with no hesitation or second thought. Yet, he just let them tear me apart, even sometimes laughing and adding to the misery.
Second flag: We were on video call one night on skype, some girl came over to his house and he immediately turned off the monitor that had our video call to hide it from her for some reason (he had two monitors), even though he and his friend claimed this was his best friends girlfriend. I find that very akward.why hide me? Are you that ashamed?
Third flag: We were on steam, he was having an LAN party, when someone on his account that was there pops up and tells me he has been so much happier since his ex came back. (wtf) And this was not long after this girl at his house appeared. This is the first time I broke and tried to kill myself because of the emotional torture.. Once I got home from the hospital, I spoke to him, told him what had happened, he did not seem to really care and said they were just messing around…So I trusted him, and let it go.
Fourth flag: The steam account I had I decided to share with him since I had many games he wanted to play but did not have the money to get. One night I got on, and decided to speak to one of his friend just to talk and introduce myself. When I introduced myself as the girlfriend, I was asked when did he start letting “random whores/hoes” use HIS account….and that I was just some hacker…when it was my account in the first place….that got me wondering…what the hell has he been telling these people? It was beginning to make sense as to why he was not letting me meet his friends.
Fifth flag: I questioned him about the above incident, wondering why I was treated that way. Turns out no one even really knew I existed in his life. Because it was “personal/private business.” Immediately afters of me telling him about this incident, he went onto the account I was sharing with him. Changed the profile picture. Changed the username display. And deleted all of the contacts on that account, EVEN MINE! I asked him why he did this and he gave me the simple answer: “My friends, not yours.” and became very defensive and cruel about it, making me feel like some disgusting piece of plague.
Sixth flag: My father died, I was extremely upset, at the time I was also having issues with another woman who knew my dad and hated me for whatever reason, that I still to this day do not really understand. She filled my fathers heads with lies. (He was a severe alcoholic.On top of other things that warped his perception.) He began to believe everything she said about me. She was stealing from him, blaming it on me, and even to the point one time he was so out of it that he had 300 dollars, I was there to help clean his house as he was in a wheelchair and could not do so himself. He took the 300 with him, I watched him place it in his shirt pocket. Once I finished cleaning I asked him to come take a look at everything to see if anything else was needed or if I missed something, as he had went to lay down with the money in his pocket. He got up, came into the living room, went to look for the money in the place he had it and of course it was gone because he moved it into his shirt pocket… He began yelling at me, threatening me, throwing things at me, and was going to call the cops if I did not return the money. I told him, it was in his shirt pocket, or maybe it fell out on the bed when he laid down. He refused to check his shirt pocket for some reason until he demanded and commanded I go check the better and I “Had better find it or else.” well of course while I am in the middle of searching, he yells saying never mind and he finds it. Anyways, there were many horrible things that happened because of this woman. I lost many things because of her and was hurt deeply and very shattered and heartbroken inside. So at this time I really needed my boyfriends support, desperately. Yet, when I would talk to him like a normal conversation, he would just ignore it because apparently it was too long and not worth his time reading, while he just lets me fall apart on his own…yet when he needed it, I was the one there to comfort him and help him.
Well moving forward into the future, alot of more things happening that I won’t bother pointing out as this post has already very long.
I myself wanted a family. Be a stay at home mom and just love my kid(s), I loved this guy so much I was putting back what little money I could scrape of as I am on disability and only get the bare minimum, and I was going to move to another country to be with him finally in person. I meant absolutely nothing to him in the end. He was what kept me going, I thought I was his hope, and happiness, the one thing in his life that made him want to stay alive… But I was a toy. I was torn into dust. It still hurts me and there is alot more breaking me apart.
Well, in summary. I would like to get to know you, maybe start out as friends, I’ll be here to listen and support you and do what I can to help you as much as possible. Maybe we can get through everything together. I know I am not much, I’m pathethic, disgusting, fat, ugly, outcast, and scum, but well, I am here if you want to give me a shot. Maybe there is another way we can contact each other and get to know each other and see what happens from there? There really is nothing to lose from this, and everything to gain. We are already in a pit that can’t go any deeper and I lost it long ago. So what do you think? 🙂
I read all these stories of heartache, money loss, abuse, etc and I think my worries are so petty, but I feel lost and out of control. I feel my life is in a downward spiral and I can’t get a grip. ..yet my sadness seems so petty compared to everyone else’s problems. If that is the case why do I feel so hopeless…my life and worries don’t sum up to their’s yet I feel the same worthlessness….
Hi Amialone. You’re not alone. Hopefully you can see by all the posts, just on this site, that there are many of us suffering. Please don’t feel that your worries or feelings of sadness are any less worthy than the rest of ours. I’ll admit that some of the stories I’ve seen posted here, detail things which I, myself don’t feel I would’ve made it through. However, I’m sure most would agree that this isn’t a competition to see who’s suffered the most or who has the most ‘tangible’ pain. If you’re here like the rest of us, and looking for comfort, information or anything to help deal with pain – then you’re worthy of being here. Please take the next step and tell someone in the medical field that you trust – perhaps your family doctor or general practitioner – about your concerns. Chances are that they may know somebody who can help you, or at least start you on the right path.
I just started reading the comments and after about 5, and then scrolling/jumping through about 25, I found a couple that tried to be encouraging to someone else. In high school, after being a runaway and having been drugged and raped for my first sexual experience and then continuing to run away and then was prostituted out. Thank God my parents, who I hated at the time, found me, rescued me and brought me home and then to a confrontative type of drug rehab of sorts for the 70’s, I did go back to school and didn’t get high for a few months, however the issue of rape was never spoken about… we pretended everything was back to normal. Soon I tried to kill myself by overdosing on aspirin.. my family didn’t even notice. I threw up all day, alone in the house, and never tried that again. but I did go on to do drugs for about 11 more years. I believe what I learned in AA helped me.. first one man told me to write I was a perfect child of God on my mirror. Second I didn’t stay alone.. I was always at an AA meeting for years.. third I did get therapy (I didn’t barely talk for the first I don’t remember how many months.. because I didn’t trust people).. I got the therapy and that led to AA. AA helped me for many many years.. even though I got lots of bad advice and had a sponsor who I later realized was jealous of me and kind of ruined my or didn’t help my first career choice, but I made it through, I also went to Recovery International which taught me to help myself. I think AA helped me by telling me to Trust God, Help Others and Clean House. I learned I was supposed to be thinking of OTHERS and how I could try to help them get off alcohol and drugs, not just be thinking of my problems. Recovery International helped me cause I realized I wasn’t alone… a lot of other outwardly successful people are struggling with anxiety and depression. I learned to forgive others. I found places and a few people where I felt safe and like it was a second family. I learned from Recovery International not to look back at the past with regret nor to preview the future with fear. I learned from AA to stay right here right now.. to get my mind on right now… not worry about the future or keep previewing the past. I learned to volunteer in AA to make coffee or chair meetings and listening to other peoples problems helped me realize mine weren’t that bad. Also if you feel you need immediate help please call a crisis unit. If at first you don’t succeed try try again. Maybe the crisis unit or psyche ward won’t get the medicine right the first, second, or third time but just keep trying … eventually they will get it right. Don’t allow yourself to be alone when you get on new medicine ..antidepressants.. if at all possible because it takes awhile to see if it will work for you, or if it’s the wrong med, it may make things worse and you might need someone else to help you. Don’t give up on yourself. Keep asking for help…if the first 5 therapists aren’t right for you keep trying.. there are millions of people.. 5 is not a big number out of millions.
I just turned 57. A father of a 30 y o daughter. Raised in Memphis, amidst all the racial crap. Had to fight every day in school. Around the time I entered 7th grade, I skipped school to keep from fighting. Started hitch hiking a ride home, and was picked up by a pedophile. This grew into him and his crowd feeding me drugs and using me as thier sexual toy boy, until I was about 16, when I stole his safe full of drugs and ran. So…until 40 I was in and out of prison. Haven’t had legal problems since. But…at 54 I start having panic attacks and crying jags. Sought help…talked about it for the FIRST time… Diagnosed PTSD and MDD. I thought talking about it would help…but it is worse.Three suicide attempts in the 80s. CONSTANT thoughts (ideation) about suicide all my life…literally…Im old now…my daughter ignores my existance. I really dont wanna be here. I have two sick friends I help. Their time is short. I wish I could give them my time left here so I could go. It’s wierd, I know, but I am actually envious of the dead.They have all seen what we can not…until we join them. Who knows what’s over there. AND…DONT DARE GO THUMPIN YOUR BIBLE AT ME…I probably know it more intimatly anyway.
I’ am 18 years old, a recovering drug addict, my child hood was very dark, I have lost my father at the age of 2, that was 10 days before my 3rd birthday, my brother had to raise me and protect me because I was physically and emotionally abused by my birth mothers ex boyfriend, at the time she was doing herion on a constant basis and was too drugged up to realize the pain that she was causing for me and my brother and didn’t care at the slightest. I grew up pretty poor because my birth mother spend every little money we had and sold pretty much everything me and my brother had all for herion, after that when I was 5 I begin to experience severe depression and anxiety and threatened myself to get hit by a car and die just to see what my father looked like, I never had parents nor a family, all I thought about was evil and started have pleasures with the dark side of things such murder, blood gore , and satanic symbolism or anything that was morbid, I think about suicide sometimes and sometimes i seem to forget who I am and my purpose, I’m very overworked and stress and my girlfriend is pregnant, which tripled my nervousness and anxiety to the point that i think I’m losing myself again, I don’t want that at all, I’m scared all the time she doesn’t realize that neither. I’m still in school too full time which is also really screwed me up farther. I just hope God understands me that Peace And A Better Place is what I want especially meeting my father for the first time.
This article is written from a base, anti-conceptual mind, that knows little of why we suffer. It is easy to sit in a chair and write an article such as this one while offering no real world solutions.
When you delve deeper into what is really going on, in terms of why people suffer, the solutions become clear. The answer lies in the biology of the organism.
I personally do not have the time anymore to try and shed light on this subject because of the rampant ignorance within the psychiatric community and a country that is hell bent on self destruction and violence. Good luck.
Amen!
I can not handle this horrible inner pain that jist continues to consume me,it feels like I’m in jail inside out, in a very deep dark hole that hurts like cancer, its eating me alive and I have felt this way for so many years with no relief. I’m scared to death, I’m unable to leave my bed,im unable to talk to people, inable to work to earn money any more. When I think of what will happen to me I only see very scary thoughts of me being in a mental institution surrounded by other mental patients. Im consumed with fear. Im a looser, I feel anyone I talk to even family, make me feel unliked, like I don’t fit in and like they don’t want to be around me. I now go no where any more. My pain is so severe, it hurts to breath. I often think of ending mu life because this has gone on too long. Every day is exactly the same and I can’t stand it any more. I know I should see a Psychiatrist but am not able to get there. Ive tried antidepressants, they don’t help me. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to disappear completely.
I feel that pain exactly! I wish that it would go away and pray that yours has! x
I’ve always dealt with anxiety since I was 24 but I got through it because I always had my kids dad to lean on. Things changed for the worst though when he left me and my kids and decided to move in with another female. I lost my place and my car because he was helping me when we were together but I ended up having to move back in with my mom. I was already feeling low because of that and then when he left me, that just made me feel worse. Him and his new gf have been together for 2 yrs now, I barely see him or talk to him anymore and when I do he rushes off because he says that I’m “too emotional and negative”. He was all I had and now I don’t even have that, my mom and sisters look down on me and constantly make me feel like crap. I have no one who care, no one who listens, I’m just in a world by myself. I hate to even wake up every morning because I know that I will be depressed and crying all day. I’m so tired, it just feels like being dead would be better than living. I’m hurting so bad, I feel worthless, I’m tired of crying everyday. The pain is too much to bare, I don’t know what to do…
Ive read dozens of comments. I felt the osin of most altho so i dont get. I too am close to giving up. The medical profession has failed us miisererable…nothing they perscribe works more than a few weeks and side affects are next to horrible. One phrase that has helped me hang on is “with breath theres hope”. Sounds simple but the truth is…as long as we are breathing….theres a chance of a cure….today….tomorrow….next week…etbetter,if you believe in a God….well then you are assured that one day he will step in and “things” will most certainly be better. Until then….work hard at not offing yourself. Im pretty sure GOD WOULD UNDERSTAND That decesion as well but it is better to fight, even with suffering to help others to keep fighting till that day comes too. A big hug out to ya…not just for your sake but for mine as well.
Sincerely
Charlie
For me everything is going great. Great family, good job, good friends… but for some reason I seem to want out. Everyday I contemplate. I want to see what’s next??? My meds seem to make the beautiful world flat and tasteless; without them, I’m a mess. I keep on, but fear that I’ll cave one of these days. I worry that my family would be better off without me, but I also worry about leaving them on their own. I think I can be strong but I’m just not sure. I don’t get it.
I have been on depression for almost one year now and I couldn’t explain better what being with depression is like. Feeling with no hope with that endless sadness that doesn’t allow you to sleep and that gets into you every morning and the hardest thing about this illness is that you can’t do anything to stop it. You see yourself falling through a deep black hole endlessly. Every day. No matter how many antidepressants you take you always feel the same why. The sadness is so painful that you can’t cope with it anymore. Suicide is just a way out to an unbearable pain. Is like feeling completely death in life and so you think what do I have to loose.
My problem doesn’t have much to so with the outside world. My problem is me. I hate myself and always have
… well at least since the age of 11. I am my bully and my worst enemy. I can’t escape the pain that I live with everyday. It’s too much but I also can’t kill myself. I wouldn’t do it to my husband or parents. I am stuck in a torture chamber of pain.
I was working at Village Discount Outlet and since I got hurt they were making excuses to fired me .On May 16,2016 I got fired. Why ? according to them because I made a mistake an clock out one minute early but my job was always done The clock it was too small to read and too high for me. I was never off or late. The rules says if you clock out and leave the store and because was a mistake I wait to the end. They force you to sign each warning no matter if you’re guilty or not. I made the mistake a few times. The manager told me that when a person get hurt …it cost money to the company. When the minimum wage changed to 10 /hr. my hours were cut I was working les than 30 hrs. I was part time. That was my only income and I have my own place on my own. I need to pay rent , cooking gas , light and phone .I’M tired of this life .I’m 62 yrs. old now but I like to work .I want to earn my own money . I’m not the only person who got hurt and was fired. The manager is an abuser person . She don’t like other people just hers . that’s why her people go away with everything but not other culture .
I want to kill myself. Almost everything I care about has been taken from me, including my relationship with wife, step kids, and friends. My business was stolen, and credibility has been destroyed. I feel like a person can only take so much before they crack. I hit that point almost a year ago. I’ve tried to hold on the best I can, but there’s no way to get back what I lost.
To tell you the truth, the only people that will really care that I’m gone is my parents. My wife will be happy she doesn’t have to put up with our relationship any longer. It hurts so bad knowing the people you love most hate your guts. For me, that’s enough to see no point in moving forward.
I need to just work up the courage to do what must be done. I want to give everyone what that want once and for all.
All these terrible stories. We each can create our own nightmares. Myself as a retired doctor, good income lovely family, but I am beseiged with guilt, shame and tormented
Hi…stumbled across your blog and thought I would comment in the hope my words can help me. I was arrested for drink driving recently and obviously instantly regretted it. Never done it before and anyway. I spent the night in the cells, I have a court appearance soon. I see now light anymore. From that moment on…my world collapsed. I need my car to get to work, I will possibly lose my job…I can’t afford the fines they will impose. These might seem trivial things but they will be the end of me anyhow. I have no close family other than my 20 year old daughter who lives with me and is partly dependant on me as she suffers from Aspergers. I keep thinking about her and yet tying a noose around my neck still overrides the hurt I will cause her by just disappearing into the countryside and finding a secluded spot to pass away. She will be okay in the long run and there are people that will look out for her. I can’t see a way out of not ending it. I had just changed my life around too and found my dream job and stuff and then my one foolish act has destroyed everything.
Abusive parents that striped away my confidence and self worth so severely that I couldn’t even make friends at school or speak to people. During puberty I came to the realisation of being gay and my parents homophobic attitudes made me feel too ashamed of myself to disclose it to anyone to this day. I turned to drugs at an early age to escape the pain of abuse and feeling alone. I’ve never been kissed, loved or in a relationship. Feeling like my sexuality had condemned me to a life of loneliness, I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on drugs but unfortunately I was discovered and taken to emergency where the doctors brought me back from the brink of death…But their interference in saving my life left me disabled with brain damage. Starting life over with a disability came with more heartache as I lost my independence, mobility, job and the few friends I had left eventually stoped visiting and I found myself isolated and cut off from the outside world and at the mercy of my abusive parents. I don’t even want to go outside anymore because it reminds me of the life I’m missing out on. I don’t feel like I’m a part of this world and it hurts to watch life pass me by. Soon as I see happy people together with their friends or in a relationship, I break into tears as I feel envious at the life I will never have. But what I hate most is seeing a cute guy walk past as the emotions of love that it stirs up feels as if my soul is bleeding. It rips me apart inside and all I can think of is how much I hate life and then I spend months in my room just wishing I had never existed. My life is so full of bad luck that I feel cursed and jinxed. The way my life has turned out has made me into a bitter and resentful person and I forget the last time I ever smiled or felt happy. Being so damaged makes me feel like I am no longer capable of interacting with people or worthy of anyones friendship or love. So I continue to lock myself away just waiting for the day the suffering will end…
My lovely daughter took her life 4 days ago after years of suffering. She had endless admissions to hospitals and nights in cells. Doctors and police were NOT trained at all and didnt give a shit! No duty of care and no way to get them to section her. Disgusting!
I seldom ever write comments to these horrible situation. Im writing yo to say…im sorry i couldnt help. The medical field has failed us miserably…should be held accountable for murder really. Truth is..your daughter wil be reserrected…weather you believe in a god or not. She will be. She will have another chance at the life Jehovah intended us to. For now…we all have to face horrible injustices. But not for long my friend. I look forward to meeting her and until then…my heart goes out to you. Ive experienced a simalar event and even with my hope..i hurt daily. But not as bad as if i didnt have the promise. Dont give up!!
Hello to all. I have had so many surgeries on my legs it’s something you really don’t hear something like this. I have had 4 arthroscopic surgeries on each leg. I then have had 3 total knee replacements on each side. I kept getting infection MSRA so when they would remove the hardware they would then put in a cement spacer with meds. Well my right leg would not heal infection went bad I ended losing my right leg above the knee then more infections. And serious pain I had a pain pump put in me because I’m also fused from L 2 to S1 now it feels like my pain Dr. Doesn’t care they took my pain meds away and I don’t move it hurts. I’m at my end I feel I’m just trouble and they washed their hands of me. It’s been 6 really bad year’s I’m a bother for my kid’s I feel worthless it’s getting bad and I know myself
Hi,
I also feel there is no hope or future for me on this planet. I was pounded with antibiotics for my entire childhood for Bronchitis. I was allergic to tobacco and had Bronchitis continually. So after killing all the good bacteria in my body I became full of yeast which morphs into a fungus and grows roots and punctures the lining of the intestines. so now for 40 yr’s I have had very little to eat, can’t work any ware, Have no money for a natural path. I can’t remember what it feels like to feel good. Every day is like waking up to a hangover. The muscular tension is unbelievable. Yoga and massage work temporarily, but the next day I’m back in pain. My gut will not accept any medication, not that I want any, I will be 60 soon and feel I’m Done! I can’t do this anymore. I have gone through every rout for help and the med profession has blocked my phone # and will not help me in any way other than Drugs. It’s been a very long and irritating Life of poor quality and pain. Right now my shoulder is killing me and my left leg is numb. Every day it’s something different. I don’t look forward to getting old. I just want to go Home!
I am currently in the process of dying. I see no point in continuing this thing called life and no prospects for the future. I don’t have my health – without my health, I have nothing to lose other than this pitiful body I inhabit.
I chose to starve myself to death. It isn’t as bad as people report it to be. You actually lose your hunger after a very short period of time. I am not expecting to be here for the next year. I feel a gratitude and relief that I will no longer be around. I feel immeasurably grateful that the suffering will end soon. I am thankful for this.
When i was 10 (1971) i fell through the ice while playing hockey, i was gone for around 10 minutes then revived. In 1998 my oldest brother shot himself in my sisters home but she did not have insurance to clean uo the mess so i helped. Yup picking up my brothers skull and brain!. 2 years later my younger brorher was hit while walking down the interstate. Several months later while in a medical class for correction training the instructor began showing slides of what was left of his mangled body, i left that class in a fit og rage. In 2005 11 days before christmas our house burnt to the groung leaving us with nothing but the clothes on our back.in 2010 i went through a nasty divorce from an abusive wife. I met and married the most wonderful woman i have ever seen only to have her die if front of me within months of being narried. Now throw 17 years of seeing the worst things possible while working as a police officer. I cannot take any more… i ask for help and no one takes it serious and simply states to “shake it off”
Hi Dan,
I posted a rather suicidal message a few weeks ago and things have really turned around for me since then. I feel much better and desire to live. I can’t imagine the PTSD you must be experiencing. I’ll just get to the point! Find a Yoga teacher who is trained for people who suffer from PTSD. You will discover a person that wants to help. Most seasoned Yoga Teachers have a Heart 10 Times the size of the average Joe. The ones into healing people are very supportive and resourceful. They will not turn you away. Find that person Dan and you will have a friend for life!
Thanks
Harply
Hi Dan, what a terrible story. I’m so sorry for all the difficulties and losses of your life. It is more than one person should endure. If I could give you a huge hug, I would. What you are feeling is real and I have often got the “suck it up” when asking for help. It is hard for other people to acknowledge real and difficult emotions in others when they don’t want to admit they have them in themselves. Some advice, find some counseling, a friend, anyone who has a sympathetic ear. Also, seek another profession. It is hard to change our lives, so hard, and can add anxiety but as a police officer you get to see the underbelly of society and you don’t need that to be a constant ugliness in your life any more. Find something in this life that makes you happy, be it painting or hiking or maybe even a dog (though if you think you might be opting out of a future, maybe not the dog)…. or perhaps, share your story, write it down. I hope you find peace in your life, I hope some good will come your way. Hugs.
Hi Dan,
I wish I could hug you. Life is so brutal.
I just feel empty all the time. Like there’s this black hole in my head that I can’t get rid off, and it’s weighing me down. I don’t feel like eating or sleeping, and I can’t concentrate on anything. It’s been increasingly difficult for me to interact with other people, because I just don’t want to bother. It’s exhausting. It’s exhausting being around other people. It’s exhausting to talk and/or listen to them talk. I can’t even work up the energy to try to converse with them, and it’s highly frustrating how shallow, and pretentuous they can be. I especially hate when someone tells me that “It’s all in my head” or “I just need to party it out.” Just stupid, and insincere. They keep saying that “They understand,” but really, they’ve never given time nor effort to try to dig deeper into my mind. I want meaningful conversation, I don’t give a rat’s @$$ about the latest gossip. I want to discuss philosophy, ideals, faith. I’ve been more withdrawn day after day, and no one seems to have noticed. In fact, I could disappear right now and no one would care. People are the worst.
Honestly, I was in so much emotional pain this year, that I became so close to committing suicide just to end the pain. It was bad. It went on for more than 2 months. It was intense and *constant* physical and emotional pain and anxiety – it was crushing, it was excruciating. I couldn’t sleep for more than 2 hours a night and I’d be wide awake during the day. No one can live for long in that much emotional agony, it was torturous. It wasn’t even so much about wanting to die but only having one way to end what I was feeling. I held on and endured and am still here.
This article is riddled with bad advice. Generally your primary health care provider won’t help you. Going to 72 hour lock is very unproductive as well. I’ve done both. You will most likely lose your job or something else. The truth is people understand something is wrong but can’t comprehend beyond their own experience in life. When you tell someone you’re at your lowest point, they tend to compare it to their lowest point. My best advice is actually cut things out of your life wether or not they are close. Life can toxic and it’s you and you alone who is going to fix it. Medications and all the other crap never helped. Good luck lost souls- we were never ment for this world to begin with. Some where in the infinity we will fit in. I promise
I’ve tried all those “get over it” things. Think of others, do for others, get out and smile, count blessings. Even got some new age self help tapes over the years. I don’t like feeling this way. I hope I find something soon. Kleenex can be expensive even in bulk. I am getting tired.
Thank you so much for penning this article. Though it doesn’t change my circumstances, it is somewhat comforting to know that someone ‘gets it;’ you hit the proverbial nail on the head, summing up my feelings and current situation perfectly. If I may quote your article..
“Suicidal thoughts and actions are also sometimes paired with strong impulses and low inhibitions… When a depressed or desperate mood gets legs, a person could be in real physical danger.”
When I have moments of what I would describe as depressed ambition, I feel like I am watching myself from the outside: concerned, but helpless.
I won’t kill myself. But I am in so much pain I can’t get away from it. My life will spiral out of control if I tell a doctor. My parents will worry and get involved. But meanwhile I am being a terrible mother. I just want to sleep to get relief. Did you know tylenol helps with the pain of heartbreak? I take 4 tylenol ones a night and sleep. I’m functioning but barely. I’m clean and I go to work. Im trying to work out. I have no one to talk to because this man has been bad to me for years and its my own fault at this point. And i still want him to come back. What is wrong with me? He says its my craziness that pushes him away and he is right. So now worse its all my fault. I hate myself. The only thing keeping me here is my children.
Not everyone fits the stereotypic suicidal person. I am not impulsive or rash in my decision-making. Nor am I subject to blind and unchallenged black-and-white thinking or use alcohol or drugs. But rather, I am well-educated (Ph.D.), conscientious and circumspect. But after nine years of unremitting and unmeliorated severe depression and PTSD, despite many gold-standard psychopharmacological and psychotherapeutic treatments and countless hours in soul-searching and self-help, I’ve decided to cash my chips. Not so much from wanting to die as from not being able to find a way to live with the pain and suffering.
Hey,
I hope you are still around and things look better or at least somewhat better. I can relate to what you said. I think maybe the toughest part isn’t just the pain. For me, its been trying virtually everything in my power to help myself. I think the sadness over the talk therapies and all that compounds the pain x10 because there is no real relief. I think all of us can relate in some way to having a goal and doing everything possible and I mean everything to make that happen. Its just when it comes to your existence and happiness as a person, and to stop suffering, when its a endless cycle of trying this and that, fatigue starts to really set in. At least for me anyways and depression.
I’ve had 30 or 40 psychologists/psychiatrists in my lifetime. Only three of them were actually helpful. Unfortunately because of my own instability, I moved away, and have been unable to find decent care in the past 19 years, despite being suicidally depressed. In the past decade alone I’ve had upwards of 20 different psychologists/psychiatrists. Literally not one of them helped me at all. Most of them were harmful. I’m sick of these platitudes abput “getting help.” Literally no one cares except my husband and my two children. If it weren’t for them I would be totally destitute. Most psychologists are arrogant people who think they know everything. They lack the skills, compassion and insight to truly help anyone. Maybe they can help people with minor problems. But beyond that, they are useless. You have to learn meditation and the skills to manage your own illness. No one will ever help. You can forget extended family or friends. Just value yourself. I know it’s hard. I have considered suicide so many times in the past 34 years. Despite knowing that I’m suicidal, I still have yet to receive adequate care in the past 19 years. Sure, you can get medication, but it doesn’t address the root problem, or solve anything. And you end up with weight gain and severe side effects. I live in a country where the health coverage is decent, But I have tried and tried to no avail. There is no help. You just have to do it yourself. Psychologists are awful people. They only care about themselves and having a nice, comfortable life. They aren’t there to help you at all. It’s really a laughable profession. Sick people are fooled into getting their hopes up, thinking they will finally get the help they so desperately need. But it’s all a big con game. The insurance companies get rich, and the psychologists and psychiatrists get a fat paycheck. They have their nice houses and cars, and go on luxury vacations, while we, the clients, suffer. They literally live off of us. The despair is self-sustaining. Why would they want to provide any help when it’s all just one big money-making racket. Learn meditation! Learn skills! Forget the horrendous mental health care system!
I have dealt with the pain of depression n bpd for years. I’m so tired I want to die. I believe in God and tried to b so spiritual so I wouldn’t deal with nothing in reality. I’m hurting so bad. No one understands or even cares. I just don’t know what to do. I have even tried to not think of myself but being there for everybody else n having no support for self makes it worst. Y Lord do we have to go thru this torment?
I live with chronic depression / anxiety and ocd. I have obsessive thoughts over anything one could imagine, but I also have an awesome imagination so I try to look at the positive aspect of the illness. For me, financial insecurity is a huge burden and though I can’t see the light, it’s there. Life has no quick fixes and doesn’t offer miracle cures sometimes we have to learn our lessons our own way, one that is personal to us and meaningful to ourselves. I’ve been in the pits, I come out, I go back in, there is nothing that will stop this. My attitude has to change towards it otherwise I’m going to go permanently ill. Whomever is behind the quick fix American mentality is trying to make money. Let it go, do your own soul searching ask if you need help, just take care.
We are in a spiritual battle. Everyone thinks it’s just life. Nope. The whole point of suffering is to endure the spiritual arrows… endurance builds character…. good or bad depending on how you react to the trials. It’s all a spiritual test. Although waking up each morning feels like a waste of time and is difficult to face since everyday trials seem so insignificant…each day is an affirmation of hope.
Our lifespans are a grain of sand in eternity. I try to remember that. We are in the end times. The Bible says that if the days were not shortened in the end times no flesh would survive. Folks…. God tests us to our limits and not beyond. So when you think you just can’t take it anymore…. just be proud that God knows you can or he would not have tested you this far. Jesus said in this world we would have tribulations ( not just trials). He says to be of good cheer because he has overcome the world.
And by the way…. just because you feel pain does not mean you are weak…. quite the opposite. It means you are strong and awake enough to deal with it while your unsupportive support structure can’t even bring themselves to bear your burdens for a few minutes by simply listening.
They are weak. You are strong. Revel in your fortitude. Rebuke the devil and he will flee!!!! He must, it is God’s law.
Unless one has experienced emotional pain, it is difficult to relate to a pain stronger than physical aberration. When antidepressive drugs do not help to subside the emotional pain or help remove painful memories, there is no hope. Every breath strengthens the pain; every thought multiplies the wounds. Without addressing the underlying real cause (e.g., childhood abuse), it is difficult to rely on religion or medicine to reduce the enormous pain or providing hope.
I think that this article hit the nail on the head. I have many family members that suffer from mood disorders, such as bipolar disorder. From what I understand, suicide for them is about escaping the present. The person may feel like they have no reason to go on, no means to, or no purpose in life. Their mood heavily dictates them acting on the suicidal thoughts, which is why I believe physical activity is so important. It helps minimize the scary thoughts & redirect them to something more positive. However, I have found that the religious aspect is most important in maintaining mental stability.
And what if it’s just about stopping the god awful physical pain that you can bear any longer.
Hey what then all you smart bastards who think they know everything.
Bloody doctors have no idea.
You fall over multiple times a day and Pistorius shit yourself when you do.
All you want is for it bloody well end.
I am 56. I grew up in foster care (30 homes) and have experienced the very, extreme worst in people, yet I kept going. I have no family, no children, never been married (engaged but he was murdered for a few dollars) and these last 3 years I have been slowly physically degenerating as I have a neurodegenerative disease. So I sit here in my low-income housing with a bunch of very miserable folks, some mentally ill, others angry at the world and so on. So, I have been trying to get out to try and volunteer. Well guess what, apparently a motorized wheelchair is a liability. I have even applied to the local hospital. I have stopped by places asking to volunteer and have been treated by some with anger, annoyance and of course, the liability issue. I have been rejected so much wanting to do good things without any luck. I ride my chair most of the day and in one year I have over 2400 miles on it. People say I am too happy just being me. Well, I was until these days. Yes I am in therapy and even my therapist has given up as far as ideas go! I see folks with so much yet all they can do is be angry, complain and tell me how miserable they are. I have reached out to Churches, Synagogues and so forth and because I cannot get there, no help is available. I even asked if they could supply a ride, of course not! Now the pain from all of my life is finally starting to consume me. I am too sane (as far as the mental health folks are concerned) too require help and too disabled too help. So tell me how suicide cannot be in the thinking? What the hell is wrong with people? There are so many daily stories of the addicts getting narcam here and yet someone who WANTS too be part of life is not allowed!!! WTF????
Dear Beth,
I’m so saddened to hear your story. That you’ve tried so hard, and that people are so heartless. It sounds like a very difficult situation you’re in. I too jave struggled with depression, isolation and suicidal thoughts. The thing that’s helped me more than anything is meditation, and meeting Tibetan lamas. If you have a computer connection you can spend your time listening to teachings by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, His Holiness the 17th Gyalwang Karmapa Orgyen Trinley Dorje. You can watch on their Youtube channels. His Eminence Sangye Nyenpa and Tenga Rinpoche are also very good teachers. You could also try Mingyur Rinpoche. Basic meditation is observing your in and out breaths. You can count to ten, counting each breath, and then count down again. You sound like a lovely, intelligent person who has been misunderstood. If I could I would come talk to you. We could drink tea together. Try the mediation, and keep trying. Work on calming your mind down, and find peace in yourself. It’s definitely there. You’re a very thoughful woman, so I have faith that you can. Sending love and a big hug.
Hello Em,
Thank you for your kind words! I do understand and practice meditation, etc. and spend time on the PC, however, this is not an issue. I am extremely upset about how society is treating people, me being one of them. I need people, not social media or how I can spend more time by myself on a computer or entertaining myself! I have come too terms mostly with my life but having to sit alone day in and day out is what really is killing after having to fight so very, very hard to survive!
There is good news however! After I wrote the comment the other day 2 people reached out to me and have offered to spend time with me and letting me participate in some local activities. This finally occurred after almost 3 years of reaching out to folks, agencies, etc. with so many rejections or just plain ignoring me that I felt there was no reason to continue living. I guess maybe, just maybe this can finally turn into something good for me. I do not ask much from folks other than give me a chance and that has taken so very long.
The funny thing is the 2 people who finally reached back where people I spoke with whilst riding my wheelchair around town in this last year. The chair itself has 2450 miles on it and I only have had it for one year and one month. I think that tells you I am out and about trying to connect to people.
The odd part is it took me to a breaking point (face plant) and finally giving up on anything was ever going to happen!
At any rate, thank you again for your suggestions and kind words and I learned a few additional things to look into thanks to you.
Best Regards – 🙂 Beth
This was a very thorough and on point article. I came here because of the emptiness of a lost loved one and writing is therapeutic for me. The lost loved one, did not die, but rather, he felt the need to focus on his own life alone, without me… the wonderful woman who he so purposefully pursued. I am going to respect his wishes, because, I know what it means to focus on self. It had nothing to do with me, but all him and that’s okay. But if I understand why am I hurting. My answer/ is that it is because, I believed when he said he wanted to keep me smiling and his actions followed likewise; I believed when he said, our relationship is peaceful and enjoyable and wants to keep it. THese are just a very few of the beautiful words. Well, I believe, therefore, I hurt. God is going to have to help me you see because, this was my best friend too. I had moved to a town and not bonded with anyone really and this person was a breath of fresh air added to my life. When he asked for quality time, I gave it and he thanked and appreciated me. Why am I hurting. I believe my hurt is a process, and is a part of my life that has now multiplied my struggle with everyday issues. It is so much better to LIVE, when you have a best friend, a supporter to talk to about goals, dreams, laugh at movies, walks by the river. It is easier to deal with the other stuff that life hands us (bills, family needs, job stress, financial issues) However, now I know, Life is Sweeter when you have someone to look forward to sharing it with. Not sharing the problems but sharing of your self, your heart, listening to each other…. just having something to look forward to. Now, i am facing my issues alone, because I respect peoples choices, his choice to walk away. I am hurting, because I believed, I loved and Ilonged, and now it is gone. God Help me grow through this with Wisdom to help me in the future. I am so glad I do not own a weapon. i would be dead, because, there are many that love me, cherish me, but I am just tired of being alone in my world. Prayers for Help please.God I need your Divine Intervention to Heal me!
I am finding myself more and more looking at the suffering and pain in the world and asking myself “why”? IF the inevitable conclusion to life is death, what is the point of going through all the pain and despair of life? I am alone; I have no friends, no job, no kids, no one to talk to or feel responsible for. I have PTSD, anxiety, and depression for which I take many prescriptions. I also take more prescriptions for pain from a service disability. I am not saying all this to elicit sympathy, only to say that I know my thinking corresponds to my particular set of circumstances.
I don’t know if my thinking is wrong really. If you look at life from a biological point of view, if you don’t produce offspring there really was no point of your life than to consume resources. If you look at life from a religious point of view, the next phase of existence is so much better then this that we should rejoice in death. From a logical point of view, if you have not affected others or your environment (for good or for bad), can you really say you even existed?
Let me be clear: I am not suicidal- I do not intend on harming myself or others.
I don’t know really what I am saying other than to ask if anyone else knows where I am coming from.
I think I know where you are coming from. I am 60 years old and never been married and no kids. When I was younger I felt like there were so much excitement ahead and wonder. And now at where I am, I feel more like I’m preparing for eternity.
I’m feeling like I will never get married, have children, and not advance to be better than what I am now. I feel like life is OK, but there are lonely times and I think, “what’s the use?”. I don’t know about retirement if I’ll ever do that. The only thing as of now in the future to possibly get excited about is selling my condo unit that I own and live in a 55+ place. The money could be great when I sell, but the rents (I don’t want to be an owner anymore) are insanely high.
I sometimes think of things like – why I am I working when someone else needs my job, go on eating when there’s no family for me?, etc.
I’m not suicidal either, but there are times when I think that I would want to. After all I’m going to pass away sooner or later. I am a Christian and I believe that I will enter into Heaven. Though I am not very clear on what Heaven will be like for me.
I am 16 years old handsome good looking boy.
I lives in Lahore,Pakistan and wanna become a model,actor or singer but my mom dad and all of abouve my family including aunties or uncles beat me regularly.
my mom dad isnt love me or dont give me anything
when i touch their foots then after two years they give me mobile phone
and now i am too depressed and my family beats me too
i dont live in this family or wanna die
because i have no money to go in any country
someone help me plz
i wanna die
which death is low painfull
tell me plz
help me plz
I’m so sorry about your situation, sending you love and hope. Please be strong!
have you contacted the police? you are living in an abusive home, it’s not ok, you should get the police involved and get protection.
Don’t give up on your dreams!! There are so many people who had difficult childhoods such as yours, and they are now successful and even famous people. Stay strong!
sometimes, a part of me still rationally knows that every difficult moment will pass and things do get better, but sometimes the mental anguish just feels like too much, I physically feel my chest hurt with emotional pain. Whenever I see something like a young child being diagnosed with a terminal illness, it breaks my fucking heart, and you still see them with such optimism and love for life…over the years it’s becoming increasingly more difficult for me to cope. I mean yes, I do have meaning and purpose in my life, but even that is not enough. It’s physically painful sometimes to see how cruel life is.
I’m 25, and currently staying with a friend and her family.
To lay the foundation, as a kid growing up I was severely bullied in school, to the point where I was sent to doctors multiple times for stitches, broken bones, and firemen had to pry me out of playground equipment or out from railings/lockers that my bullies shoved me into and I could not get out of. At home I had a sister who verbally and physically abused me. At any given moment in childhood I’ve always had fresh wounds either from school or home and my body now is covered in lots of scars and my skin is very discolored. I didn’t talk till I was 6 years old, was mute, extremely underweight and shy. When I was 7 years old my uncle died (like a second father to me), and I starved myself for weeks, and didn’t drink for a week and became extremely ill and was forced to eat again or else die. When I was 8 I was violently raped over the course of a few months, to this day I get flashbacks and wake up to horrible visions of being yanked out of bed by my ankles by an enormous shadow and then get beat in the stomach or smothered… Just to jolt out of bed in a panic attack and cold sweat. My dad died when I was 12, I watched him die. He was depressed and would often tell me that if he had a heart attack, to let him go. At 13 I was homeless and was separated from my family, couch hopping between strangers homes with 8 stitches in one foot. With all my trauma, I have flawed skin, I’m infertile, my lady parts cause daily pain still to this day, I can’t walk too long due to the damage to my foot (Was homeless with an injured foot for an extended period with no aid to walk), I have brain damage from the amount of concussions I’ve had, and to top it all off I have severe depression and PTSD. My family has disowned me, and I have a very difficult time making friends. The friends I do make, either leave me and call me a burden, or they slowly push me away. With all I’ve been through I try to do everything I can to make sure that no one else feels the way I do, and I try to make others laugh, try to make them feel wanted/special, take them out, try to spend time with them and maybe make their lives lighter and I could distract myself from my own pain. I helped others out in financial crisis’, held them when they were on the verge of collapse, fed them when they starved etc. I am a people pleaser, and in ways I try to be the opposite of how all the horrible people treated me growing up. But sometimes, I need to say something, I need to tell someone I’m not doing alright or ask for help(After months or years of hiding how I feel by helping others instead) and suddenly I become needy, and a burden.
Now, in the last year I have lost 3 of my closest friends who say I’m selfish, needy and only talk about myself. Which is entirely not the case. I have gone through chats and recorded the amount of times I talked about myself vs talked about what others wanted to talk about and talking about myself takes up about 1/10 of conversations while 5/10 of them involve helping others. I can’t hold a friendship down, even with people who are extremely kind, caring, patient and deal with broken people. I currently live with a friend and her parents, and they are now neglecting me and avoiding me, saying I’m entitled and a burden despite me changing nothing in how I act towards them (Which is always being helpful and thanking them for everything, saying please and thank etc). I have done therapy for over 10 years of my life on and off, and nothing has helped, I’ve been on dozens of different combos of anti-depressents and still nothing. I’ve had panic attacks and PTSD since I was EIGHT, soon I’ll have had PTSD for 20 years without any dent in recovering in the least.
So in my opinion, this family was the nicest most religious christian I ever met, and if they can’t handle me after only knowing me just 3 years, then no one can. If I have no family, no real friends, and I’m in constant pain, after 20 years I still cannot handle the rape trauma and knowledge I can’t have kids or sex, I’m on medicaid (Since I can’t hold a job due to numerous allergies, panic attacks, anxiety, heart conditions and a damaged foot) taking up resources for illnesses that are more easily treated… why live? If I killed myself now I’d no longer be in pain, may even be with god who would judge me for me and not my mental illness, if not I’d at least be pain free. And if I committed suicide, no one would have to deal with me “Overstaying my welcome” or “Intruding into their family” or “Being a burden”, or being “Needy”. They might grieve, they might call me selfish but it would pass easier than me staying around to keep causing them stress and resentment. And what’s the point to living if you live alone? If I can’t have any friends or family and I have to suffer PTSD, infertility, damaged body, weak heart, damaged brain and such alone then there is no point. Those are all things that I would only live with if I had someone who didn’t put me last in their life. Someone who would make it feel like, if I died I wouldn’t sit rotting in my room for 3 years before they discovered that I wasn’t around.
I have suffered from depression for well over thirty years. It hasn’t got better. If anything, it gets worse as I get older and have less and less hope for change. Superficially I appear to be a successful person, but I am lonely and heartbroken over a woman whom I loved when I was younger and more hopeful, and yes, it was a very long time ago, but it still matters more than life itself. Actually, that isn’t saying much, as I value my life at less than nothing. Life has a negative value for me. It is pain. I deeply regret not killing myself long ago. I would have spared myself decades of suffering. Life is not a blessing, not for me. It is a curse. I long for death.
I have lived with depression and anxiety for at least 35 years now. I chose not to have children so that I wouldn’t pass on this horrible condition to him/her. I left my toxic marriage after 16 years thinking life would be better single. Well four years later my depression is worse, I started cutting myself, which I haven’t done in 20 years, I drink more than I ever have and seem to have driven long time friends away. Part of that is because I changed cities (only two hours away) but no one seems to even care. And I think about suicide but don’t really want to die. I take meds which I’m convinced don’t work but am in contact w/ my doctor. I use to think I was attractive, use to exercise daily, and now I hate myself. I’ve tried to reach out to my three brothers but clearly they don’t get it. The only thing that makes me happy is volunteering and doing things for others. I recently donated a lot of my furniture to a deserving person who just got her first house through habitat for humanity. The emotional pain I’m in is unbearable. 🙁
My entire life has been one gigantic pile of it. I grew up in poverty with parents that beat us and did drugs. A mother who was more interested in televisio. Soap ooeras then her family. And a drug dealing step father who took every chance he could to make his non biological kids know he cared little dor us. I was always espeacially tormented by my mother. Constantly telling me how I was conceived during one of her crack bindges when my father took advantage of her. Always telling everyone this with me within ear shot and saying that I was crazy doe questioning how cruel she was. My siblings also went through their own personal hells but they’ve inheritted the worst aspect of her personality. She demoralized amd diminished every success or thing I could have felt pride for. She would play on our emotions ro swindle us out of money and then soend it on drugs and booze. When she would get public assistance she would hide all the food in her room to keep us from eating at times. Worst yet because of her negligence I was forced to take the blame for a crime I didbt commit to save my older veothers life. I ow live with that shame and the co stant loneliness it brings. I bow live in a nice community with a beautiful wife and two kids with a solid career but Im unable to let strangers close or to care about anyone really. My coworkers think Im strange but how do I communicate with random strangers who could never even imagine such a horible existance to hear tgis stuff. Tbe things I’ve endured and carry with me every day is overwhelming at times. And the fact that I havent lost my mind defies all logic. I dont k ow what to do to overcome this constant pain and sence of horrible panic tbat flares up. Im capable of reasoning and deeo thought but its only served to amplify the pain. Im not suicidle and I dont believe O could ever do such a thing but at this rate I feel like the presure is going to drive me mad or cause some kind of cardiac event.
people who are depressed should kill themselves, and do everything they can do NOT live a fulfilling life, i know that cause i see how rejects go from one place to another, have kids with ugly women, and these kids end up being rejected. its nature guys, if you are weak you are supposed to die
My story is so sad. So fn sad I can’t even tell it. It’s almost over now. This society does not allow people to win. No one fought as hard as I did. Nobody. Society favors the immoral and ungodly.
Dddd, don’t give up yet. I was feeling the same way but I have decided to expose these people who are hurting me and others. Contact me on Twitter and come fight with me! 🙂 Anybody else who needs someone to listen to them or be a friend is welcome to contact me.
Me.