It’s been three years since I published “The Imperfect Mom: Candid Confessions of Mothers Living in the Real World,” but the controversy over who is deemed a suitable mother and who’s not hasn’t changed an iota.
A week or so ago when the story broke abut the Park Avenue lawyer who couldn’t take her kids’ bickering and so threw them out of her car and drove off, my name was circulated in some media circles as a mother who would be willing to talk about the parenting moments that aren’t going into the scrapbook.
The story behind my compilation is rather humorous in retrospect (quite terrifying in real time) … A fellow preschool mom asked me to watch her son for two hours, so I took him and my son (both two years old at the time) to get ice-cream downtown and feed the ducks. My daughter was strapped to me in a Baby Bjorn, so when my adorable son pushed the other kid into the 15-feet of frigid water (it was February), I couldn’t dive in immediately. So a wonderful man wearing cowboy boots and eating sushi at the dock dove in and rescued him.
But it made the front page of the paper of course, the caption reading “All I heard was a splash of water and then ‘Oh my God!'” —clearly an editing job, because I definitely yelled the f-word when the boy went in. The entertaining clipping must still be on a few refrigerators around here, because every few weeks when I introduce myself to a mom who recognizes my name, I get the “Wait, are you that mom …..?”
“Indeed I am.”
And they either laugh hysterically or take two steps backward (holding the hand of their child).
And then we have the “anti-mom” Ayelet Waldman, whose piece in the New York Times about how she loves her husband more than her kids has earned her a few death threats, but also some nice publicity on her just-released book, “Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace”.
Beliefnet blogger David Gibson wrote a post about Waldman recently, where he writes: “The column made Waldman famous, or infamous, as a kind of ‘anti-Mom,’ a traitor to her vocation, and–no surprise–now Waldman has turned her column into a book….Want to puke? What is the lesson here? Is there one?”
Had I read David’s blog on a happy mommy morning, I might have responded, “Amen, David! You go, dude!” But the first words that I read this morning were harsh reactions to my post, “A Letter to New Moms,” in which I urged new moms to take care of themselves, first and foremost.
I wrote the letter because, in retrospect, I can clearly see how I messed up when my babies were born.
It’s so obvious now.
I gave my kids all of myself. And that was too much. Because, in the end, I had nothing left for myself. So I paced the kitchen floor, bouncing my screaming wee-one, trying to nurse so to release some of the pressure from my breasts, crying inconsolably (me and the baby), a sleep-deprived mess of a mother.
Had I taken better care of myself, supplemented a few nights a week so that I could let Eric or someone else do the night-time feedings and get the rest I so needed, maybe I wouldn’t have won the award of Most Mortified Mom of Annapolis with a newspaper clipping to prove it. Maybe I would have known better than to take two-year-olds and an infant to a dangerous place where one of them could fall in. Maybe I would have been able to better react and snap the Baby Bjorn off.
But I was a sleep-deprived, depressed zombie of a mom.
I was giving too much of myself away.
Now I would hope that I would never chuck the kids out of the car in rage and frustration. But I can understand how you make idiotic, stupid decisions when you are sleep deprived and depressed. And, although I’m more attached to my kids than Waldman seems to be with hers–I can’t fathom ever losing them, and if I did, I know that every day without them would be a fight and a struggle to stay sane–I do agree with this self-professed “bad mom” that a mother shouldn’t make her kids the center of her universe.
I think a mom needs to hold on to some of herself.
And if that makes me a bad mom, well, I guess I’m in the club.
14 comments
*waves hand* Ooooh, I’m in the Bad Mom Club! I’ve lost track of my children, who then ended up alone in the street (they’re 4 and 1). Of course, this has happened when my excessively rambunctious 4yo has sneaked out the door while I was in the bathroom and let his baby brother out with him. Said 4yo ran outside completely nude this morning while I was out searching for the (indoor-only) cat he had let outside.
I lose my temper sometimes and yell at the kids. I’ve had to pull over to the side of the road to get the 4yo’s behavior under control. My house is always cluttered and messy.
If all that makes me a bad mom, then I guess that’s what I am.
My hand went up so fast I dislocated my shoulder. At the moment I’m thinking of running away from home because my teenager daughter and I do not seem to be able to communicate. It’s heartbreaking and depressing when you try to talk to her and find out what she wants and she snaps her head off and screams abuse at me and her father.
When has a dad *ever* been told he’s a “bad dad” for taking care of himself?
Or his job?
Stereotypes, be gone!
Ignore the ranting of these neanderthal lunatics who want women to be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen, and still hold a job at the same time!
There is no crime in taking care of youself. Indeed, these posts suggest that the problems come in precisely when we do *not* take care of ourselves! It’s like they say on the airplanes. Put the air bag on yourself first. You cannot take care of anyone else if you are oxygen deprived.
And if this country would get past the mythology of the “self made” man/woman, we would ensure that every new mother had a decent home stretch to bond with her baby without having to worry about paying the bills. Like it or not, it *does* take a village to raise a child. If you don’t think so, try doing it *all* on your own — no religious services; no schooling; no community activities; no nothing! Yes, those things *are* the village; and they *are* helping to raise the children!
As the bard once said,
“To thine own self be true.”
Amen!
Peace!
Yep – too much TV sometimes, clutter-clutter-clutter, my voice gets too loud, etc. I don’t think I did anything like what you went through (Oh, my heart goes out to you, even now long after the deed!). But I was in that same fog – probably just luck nothing bad happened.
I don’t buy organic vegetables, I let my kids drink Koolaid, and I consistently let them stay up too late for their own good. Guess that gives you one more member! I’d like moms everywhere to start adopting the phrase, “That’s good enough!” and let all the rest go. Thanks for being so brave, Therese.
http://blogs.news.com.au/naughtycorner/index.php/news/comments/top_ten_lies_parents_tell_each_other/
I hope this link works. There is a gem of an article in our local online Australian news.ocm blog. The comments are a mix of bad mums, good mums and psychopaths.
my son hates me because his mother hates me ,some wone help me please. i live in sanford fl.
I embrace every moment I can with my children. They are just great kids or teenagers I should say. I do hear the stories of my friends and wonder why my children and life with them differs so much. I do not sit here and say because I did this and that I feel I am blessed for what ever the reason. I have good communication with my kids and we all have a great sense of humor but most of all respect for eachother. I have three children my oldest is 31 then 17 and 15. I think the best thing I have heard from each of them at different times for different reasons is Thank you for being my mom.
I came late to the club. I hope it’s still open to new members. My kids are 16 and 14 now and better kids I can’t imagine. I swear it wasn’t my doing.
I HATED breast feeding. We sacrifice a lot as mothers but our very soul is too much to ask for. And my soul was being sucked out by my healthy enthusiastic new born son. I quit as soon as I was assured the La Leche League wouldn’t come around with torches.
I am a horrible mother and my kids tell me ten times a day, even in their sleep, how much they love me. Two boys. 13 and 19.
Their father does everything and takes them camping and hiking and swimming and to games, etc. He is not appreciated at all.
I FRIMLY believe that you can’t make a child the center of your universe! Think of the burden that puts on them (and I KNOW that’s easier said than done but you have to resist that temptation). If you do that, you are making them responsible for your every sorrow and happiness and that’s waaay too much pressure for a kid. Maybe in the beginning, when they are babies, it’s okay, but, eventually, you’ve got to live your own life and let them live theirs. As a mother of two who’s been married (for the most part happily) for almost 22 yrs, I also think that you have to hang on to the “couple” that begat the family in the first place. That’s the relationship that is the cornerstone of the family and that’s were the kiddos will draw their strengh and security. That’s where they come from.
Wow some kids are lucky to grow up with such understanding and graceful parents.
keeping sane by letting my 3yr old and 16month old rule the house..my husband and i are spectators in the chaos that is my life currently.when do you get the control back?
I’m absolutely in the Bad Mom’s club. There is no doubt. I have to say that I am pretty proud of this, though. It allows me to make mistakes and be human rather than this completely unrealistic expectation of perfection that we are plagued with as mothers.