Parents often have a difficult time letting go of their children. After all, parents spend a significant amount of time raising their children for 12 or 14 years and can’t just wake up one day and say, “Sure, you can do whatever you want. Have fun!” Most parents have invested a lot — emotionally, psychologically, financially — into their childrens’ lives. Just because that child hits teenage years doesn’t change how many parents feel toward their children and their expectations of control in their child’s life.
However, that expectation of control becomes more and more of an illusion as a child ages. At around age 11 or 12 for most children, they begin to understand that while there may be consequences for violating one of their parents’ rules, they are their own person and have a lot of opportunities open to them for curious exploration.
But adults will be adults, and try their best to continue to exert significant control in their child’s lives, even as they turn into teens and demand more freedoms.
New research suggests that efforts to over-control one’s teenagers may backfire and end up reinforcing the exact behaviors they are trying to control (usually sexually oriented behaviors).
In a comparative survey of nearly 5,000 teens, the research discovered certain family and parental behaviors were correlated with certain types of sexual activities:
Regular family activities — “things like eating dinner together as a family or engaging in fun activities or religious activities together” — seemed to make sexual activity less likely, [researchers] said.
Children also seemed to be less sexually active if their parents did not engage in “negative and psychologically controlling behaviors.”
What’s a parent to do? The researchers have a few suggestions:
Support your teens, spend time with them, be less critical and controlling and more nurturing in their adolescent development. This, in turn, can help them make more informed, safe decisions about sexual activity.
In other words, give your teens some space.
Yes, teens will make bad decisions and mistakes. But they will make those decisions and mistakes regardless of how much you try and control them. In a supportive and nurturing family environment, they are apparently less likely to make those mistakes early on or in relation to sexual activity.
Teens and young adults — they are learning the ways of the world, of working and earning something for that work and most importantly, of relationships and sex. You can only trust that your parenting skills up to this point have done the job, so to speak, and give them the latitude to explore life and all it has to offer.
Because, in the end, they’ll find a way to do so anyways, no matter how controlling you might be. And as this research suggests, they are likely to do so in more sexually active ways the more controlling one is.
It’s hard to let go… But find a way. And help your teen make the right decisions on their own.
Read the full article: Rigid Parenting May Backfire
16 comments
This is excellent advice.
It seems that being available and approachable is an important way to present yourself as a parent to a teenager.
Talking openly about difficult subjects like sex, drugs and alcohol are more likely to help a teenager make safe choices than telling them to “Just say NO” or making negative comments.
I have neighbors who have a 16 year old who made a mistake (had sex) with a boy when she was 14. She has been on lock down for 2 years. They let her go no where or do anything with anyone. She has no friends and is not allowed to participate in school activities. When she does get a small window of opportunity, not on any part of her parents, they are stolen moments-it always has to do with a boy. I feel sorry for her. They wonder why she is so bitter and defiant and they can’t wait until she is 18 and can move out on her own. She is not going to have any skills to cope with people and will not know how to act and will be pregnant within months of moving out.
I have 2 children of my own. I have not done a perfect job of raising them. My 18 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant. We talked alot about birth control (condoms) to him, but apparently, her parents did not. We have chosen to view it as such, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. It is happening so we may as well accept it.
College is still in the future, I will do what I have to to see that the degree is achieved for both of them. They are good kids with level heads. They both have jobs and are 3.5 grade point averages or better! You can’t be control freaks with your kids-mistakes are made, you can’t shield them from life. You have to let them learn from their mistakes.
I do not have children but I do know what is like to be in a family that will not hold on to a child. It is very scray and a feling of being lost so when and if you grow up you find that you have no self-estemm.So controlling your teens is a little good but remember that htey are your kids and you have raised them so belive in them.
i think dictatorial methods seldom work with lasting effects. The teens will rebel openly or secretly and count the days until he or she can leave home.
Never mind TEENAGERS – I’m in my mid 30s and my mother is STILL trying to control my life. I hate going out with her because she won’t stop telling me what to do, what to wear, what to eat (or not eat, more appropriately), and it drives me almost INSANE!
My mother’s overcontrol was the main reason I moved out of home to go to university. I had almost no freedom to do what I wanted, I felt like a slave to what my mother wanted me to do, especially when it came to housework. Whenever I came home for the weekend the minute I walked in the door she would be on the phone ordering me to do this, that or the other thing. I understood that she was working, but that didn’t mean I was her housekeeper. I was busy too.
Now I try to spend as little time with her as I can. The way she treats me proves to me that she does not respect me as a person who is capable of making their own decisions, and is not just someone to order around when she feels like it. Strangely enough, she often behaves like this in front of her friends, it’s as though it is a “power thing” – her trying to prove that she still has control over me. It has backfired on her a couple of times though, because these people have commented to me after the event about the inappropriateness of her behaviour.
Teenagers will be teenagers, and they need to learn to make their own mistakes without constantly being criticised or harrassed. Part of being a parent is being able to “let your children go” when it is necessary.
WELL I AM 15 YRS OLD AND I AGREE WITH THIS ARTILCE 100%. BECAUSE YES I EXPERIENCE IT EVERYDAY.MAYBE NOT AS MUCH AS OTHER TEENS BUT IT HAPPENS.I HAVE TO APPLAUD MY PARENTS THOUGH THEY HAVE DONE.A GREAT JOB AT RAISING MEBUT ITS TIME FOR THEM TO LET ME GET OUT ON MY OWN AND START LEARNING FOR MYSELF WHAT THE WORLDS UPS AND DOWNS ARE(BOYS).I KNOW MOST PARENTS WOULD RESPOND TO THIS AS IF I JUST WANT TO GROW UP TO FAST OR THAT’S JUST MY WAY OF TRYING TO TALK TO BOYS.BUT HONESTLY ITS NOT IM JUST LOOKING OUT FOR MYSELF.I SIMPLY DONT WANT TO GROW UP AND LOOK DUMBFOUNDED WHEN IT COMES TO COMMUNICATING WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX.BASICALL I DON’T WANT TO GROW UP AND MEN BE ABLE TO CONTROL ME, USE ME,OR TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME. I DONT THINK MY PARENTS UNDERSTAND THAT PART.I WILL ADMIT I DO FIND BOYS ATTRACTIVE. BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN I WILL GIVE MY BEAUTIUL ROSE PEDALS TO ANY GUY THAT COME ALONG.WHICH GOES BACK TO THE WAY MY PARENTS RAISED ME. PARENTS SHOULD GIVE THEMSELVES MORE CREDIT THAN THEY DO. WHEN YOU DON’T TRUST YOUR CHILD IT LIKE YOUR DECREDITING YOURSELF ON HOW YOU REAISED THEM.THINK ABOUT IT IF YOU KNOW YOU KNOW YOU DID A GOOD JOB AT RAISING THEM THEN YOU SHOULD TRUST THEIR JUDGEMENT. INSTEAD OF SAYING I KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING AT THAT AGE.WELL GUESS WHAT PARENTS TIMES HAVE CHANGED.YOUR NOT THAT AGE ANYMORE AND KIDS ARENT ALWAYS WHAT YOU WHAT THEM TO BE AND THEY DON’T ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO DO. THEY ARE THIER OW PERSON.TAKE THAT INTO CONSIDERATION. WE WOULD EVERE SO MUCH APPRECIATED.
Nice advice. Parents should know how to control their uncontrollable child. They need proper guidance to bring up there troubled child.
Parenting programs teach troubled teens moral values and ethics of life. Programs are specifically designed to support the unmotivated youngsters to achieve highest potential in life.
http://www.troubledteens.net/Problems-in-Teens/Parenting-Troubled-Teens.html
it is great advice to bad my parents have not read it…..
im a teenager, 15 nearly 16, as im getting older every year itS getting harder, u get all this rubbish about hormones, yer we might have them but thats not what cause the arguments that go on, as we are getting older we are learning to stick up for ourselves soo if we dont think something is right we stick up for it and the parents argue back so it is as much there fault than ours. another thing im an only child, parents both still happily together but i find it really hard to get along with my dad sometimes, all the time in fact and i dont want to end up hating him, everything we do or talk about always ends up as an argument and i dont know what to do, HELP!
Rob, are you my daughter? This is the same scenario we find at ourselves in, and it’s so hard. I think everyone has a horrible teenage life, maybe every few days being good.She probably like you, think everyone is out having a great time and has no insecurities about themselves, which is hard to believe but you are wrong. My daughter also has issues with her dad, even though he is wonderful to he, she just tells me she “hates him”. My daughter is a very beautiful girl, but hates all physical things about herself, no matter what I tell her. I would suggest you go see your counselor at school, I know that sounds stupid, but that is what they are there for, my daughter sought out help with hers, and said it helps, but in addition we are seeking outside help. It’s going to be a sucky couple years, but you’ll get past it, and life goes on.
The article makes a lot of sense. I am 27 now, but as a teen I was heavily controlled by my mother to the point of emotional abuse. I really was a a good kid, I went to church with my family and never got in trouble in school. In my junior year of highschool I started dating boys and all hell broke loose. Although I obeyed my strict curfew, my mother didn’t like that I dated boys who didn’t go to church. She started making me call to check in every hour when I was out with friends, she threatend to take the door to my room down so she could hear what I was saying on the phone. I caught her searching for my journal one day in my room which she unapologetically admitted to. At first she just seemed like an over protective parent, then she started lecturing me to dump my boyfriend,calling me names like “slut” and telling me I was going to end up pregnant and in a trailer. The hell of it is that I had never even had sex with him. She started “checking” my underwear to see if I was getting turned on, she would tell me that she could tell I was playing with fire. As the curfews got earlier and my rules got stricter I started sneaking out to escape my prison. i would tell my mother I was working and meet him somewhere or claim to be with someone other than him. The more time I spent hiding away with my secret love the more our lust for one another grew. After 7 months of dating we finally started having sex, but I could never tell my mother. I felt dirty and guilty. For the next 5 years I was extremely promiscuous. I had low self esteem and no one to council me. I lied to my parents about everything for fear of disappointing them. Once I collected myself and got psychological help my self esteem improved and I started to respect myself and let go of the guilt I had for not living up to my parents expectations and abandoning their authoritative religion. Now I am married, I own a home and I have almost made it through college. Years later I discovered my 3 sisters all went through the same hell. Even my father who feared her,recognized the damage she did to me and our entire family with her need to control. He even blames her for the fact that I moved across the country at 23. Parents, please let your children make their own misakes. You cannot live their lives for them, they will only resent you.What your kid needs is love and to be encouraged to succeed in life. More than they need to be punished they need advice andastable family unit, they need to know that you weren’t perfect either and just maybe they will listen and learn from your mistakes and wisdom.
I strongly disagree. What teenagers need is clear limits, rules and codes. This article is an excuse for free floating anxiety, teenagers need to know the boundaries and the security that brings. There is nothing wrong with bright line rules: sex too early is likely to be bad; drinking before 18 invites trouble; lying to your parents who love you is inexcusable. These may sound like “old fashioned” values but I believe children thrive when they know the limits of their world, too much uncertainty or moral relativity too early is overwhelming for them.
So, what to do when a 16 yo girl wants to hang out with a 21 yo young man?
Hi I have a 16 year old daughter who wants to move out! Into a slum where her mates don’t have contact with their parents. We use to be a very tight family unit. I have learnt a lot from these articles . I understand to let go but surely there still needs to be boundaries. Such as she asks if she can sleep at a guys house— no! Party – you can go but I will pick you up at 12. Then she writes her cv & I offer to taxi her around to drop them off– stays in bed all day. So obviously she doesn’t want a job but still expects me to pay for her–bus fares money for food whilst out etc….. Do I stop paying for everything??? I want her to get a good work ethic. Last rant — any tips on how to get teens up In the am as I fear for her when she starts college?? Thankyou for reading this & any advice would be appreciated.😊
Parents always need to think about what they can do make their children happy. This is very important. No parent should not worry about it if their children behave badly. Thank goodness parents can not whip their children nowadays.