Why does he make me feel this way?
What was going through my mother’s head when said such hurtful things to me?
Can’t my boss tell that his words cut me down and make me feel so small?
These are examples of our thinking sometimes when we feel hurt, ashamed, or angry — that the other person or some external event is making us feel the way we do. But is it? Can someone else make us feel a certain way? Can an event in our life directly cause us to feel a specific way?
Michael Edelstein, in his book Three Minute Therapy, argues the line of cognitive-behaviorists and rational emotive therapists have argued for decades. External events and people cannot make us feel any one certain way, even though it often seems that way.
We enter into every situation with certain beliefs or expectations. Those beliefs and expectations directly influence the way we are going to end up feeling about the event or person. Here’s an example Dr. Edelstein provides from Chapter 1 of his book:
Suppose a hundred airplane passengers are unexpectedly given parachutes and instructed to jump from the plane. If a physical situation alone could cause emotions, then all the hundred people would feel the same way. But obviously those who regard skydiving positively are going to have a [reaction] very different from the others.
In other words, our beliefs and expectations about a person or event or situation directly influence and, many would argue, cause our feelings. They are not the result of or inherent in of the situation itself. Others do not cause our feelings — we cause them ourselves.
This turns out to be great news, because that means that we have control of our feelings, much like we have control over other choices we make in our life. That also means that psychotherapy that focuses on helping a person overcome their belief system that’s causing them so much pain or distress in their lives is short-term and more solution-focused.
Your feelings come from your thinking. This doesn’t mean that if you tell yourself everything is fine and you have no problems, then you will feel fine and your problems will disappear. [Rational emotive and cognitive behavioral methods do not] recommend “thinking positively,” telling yourself to cheer up, or fondly dwelling on comfortable images that everything is wonderful.
The advice glibly offered to emotional sufferers, such as “Worrying doesn’t do any good, so why worry?,” is usually of little help because the anxious person doesn’t know how to stop worrying. Such a person has a definite system of beliefs, which has become a fixed dogma, and which automatically generates distress. Without attacking and changing that system of beliefs, there will probably be little progress in reducing anxiety. But the sufferer doesn’t think much about the system of beliefs, doesn’t consider that the beliefs might be questionable, and doesn’t notice how the beliefs lead to counterproductive and self-destructive behavior.
To start on the path to healthy thought patterns, it’s first necessary to identify the sufferer’s system of beliefs. This isn’t a lengthy process of excavating “unconscious” memories. Usually a few minutes of asking simple questions will elicit a person’s faulty thinking.
Sound too good to be true? It’s really not. This is the foundation of most modern psychotherapy as practiced today (cognitive behavioral or rational emotive therapies). These concepts have been empirically tested in hundreds of research studies and shown to be effective in helping a person become empowered over their own beliefs, which directly influence their feelings.
So next time you’re feeling down about someone’s comment to you, or a situation that “made you” feel awful, consider that the pain and distress you are feeling is in your hands. And so is the solution.
Want to learn more? Check out Michael Edelstein’s book, Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life.
56 comments
I count three women as the most important people in my life: My mother, my best friend of twenty years and my therapist, Doctor Ruth Greenberg.
Ruth was one of the first students of Aaron Beck, a brilliant man, who started a movement that we now call “Cognitive Therapy”.
When I first met her, she had me take an evaluation, that figured out where my views about myself and my world were skewed. Among my “negative schema’s” were extreme shame, guilt and low self-esteem.
Diagnosed as Bipolar II, with Borderline traits, which the latter I believe was due to my serious self-injury, I learned and continue to learn in my weekly sessions with Ruth.
I am able to express my emotions after a life-time of repressing them. I can even at times take pride in myself, ignoring the inner voice whispering “Pride comes before a fall.” I can believe now, that not everything is my fault, which is a demented form of hubris.
When my mind becomes too twisted to understand this, and I’m seeing things that are not of this world, it is then that this therapy fails. For my meds have failed me, which in turn, fails my hope.
Dr. G,
CBT and RET certainly have something valuable to contribute, but taken too far the notion that thoughts, beliefs, and expectations come first, then cause or drive feelings and emotions — this strikes me as WAY too simplistic. Forget about the difficulties involved in trying to define thoughts and beliefs as things, separate from these other things called feelings, then “causing” processes to happen, like a table of billiard balls. It’s easy to get bogged down in philosophy though, and the bottom line is that CBT and RET
techniques do help many people effectively deal with many issues. But we all have experiences on a daily basis, do we not, when it seems more the case that feelings come first, then the thoughts, like when an attractive person gets our hearts beating, or when we get frightened by a wild animal.
P.S. I greatly appreciate what you do here. I have long considered you the finest psychology blogger on the web. Rock on!
Thank you for this thoughtful reply. It is exactly the way I think and feel about this post.
After I read this statement: “External events and people cannot make us feel any one certain way, even though it often seems that way.” I immediately imaged a rape situation, or someone directing a gun at me or someone beating me up or anything concerned with real danger.
I guess there is nothing more to say about this. It’s why so many therapies fail… its the very old hybris of menkind: Everything is IN CONTROL.
Its just an intellecutalized way to try to leave the fear connected to be just a human being and no “god”-like anything behind…
Its as old as MANkind. And… its a toxic way of thinking in itself. It’s without a real sense of what is in control and what not and thus consequently without a real sense of compassion for others or yourself.
Its just: Control. Not love.
Yes, sometimes feelings come first. And, no, there is no real dualism of feelings and thoughts in our brains.
We have to accept, that life can be quite hard and that life might suck sometimes. We have to accept, that hungering children can’t decide to be happy and a women being raped, cant decide to stop a feeling of fear of death. And so on… We have to accept, that life is not in “control” in this kind of way.
But, we can start feel with ourselves and with others and stay with us. It’s not like the “solution” to an actual problem will then fall from the sky. The problem will still be there and we might struggle again and again with the same old things. But we might learn to feel more than only this one feeling of desperation or fear or anger or sadness. We might start to feel some kind of hope and love for ourselves beside this and we might experience this growing and giving us the ability to carry on and to start over agin and again and again.
After a while…
I don’t believe in:
“In other words, our beliefs and expectations about a person or event or situation directly influence and, many would argue, cause our feelings. They are not the result of or inherent in of the situation itself. Others do not cause our feelings — we cause them ourselves.”
I believe, its sometimes this way and sometimes the other way round, when feelings come first. It’s even what we learn when studying Psychology TODAY at universities.
This kind of cognitive behavioural view is from the old days, when Psychology still had to learn that much as it has today. It’s kind of stuck in the past if a psychologist still fully agrees to such statements, ignoring what Neurosciences and as well decades of experience with CBT have tought us about its boundries and flawas and this does NOT mean it is wrong in all kinds of views.
That CBT-Therapists learn… lets say some degree of humility, does not mean that everything about it is just wrong. It starts to be wrong without this sense of humility what is in CONTROL and what is not in the journey of human life experience.
Sorry for my spelling an grammar mistakes. I’ve spotted some after having pressed the send button and could not find a way to correct them: English is not my mothertoungue.
It’s actually not flawed at all, and it’s not about control, it’s about how our brains actually work.
As a matter of existing as conscious and intelligent beings we develop a system of understanding about how the world around us works. In order for us to function within it, this is necessary. We make conscious choices all the time, several every waking second. But despite our conscious thoughts we still have an subconscious mind too.
So as we grow, from infants, we develop this paradigm, this idea of how the world works. Everybody’s is a little different, as everyone’s experiences are different. But large groups often share many similarities due to interpersonal communication and the indoctrination that occurs via religion, schools, and/or other well defined social groups.
We are individuals, but we are also part of a larger whole; unless we were lost in the woods and have lived alone in a cave our whole lives. And we have conscious thoughts, and we make conscious decisions, but we also have an subconscious mind too.
The subconscious mind is a useful tool. It has many functions. One is the management of emotions. But it does not exist in a vacuum. It functions in concert with our conscious mind. It relies on the same paradigm, the same understanding of how the world works.
So when we encounter ‘anything’ in our conscious lives, our subconscious mind may find reason in that encounter to react, without our conscious minds involvement, in order to influence our conscious behavior, for our benefit.
If you take the example of the 100 people on a plane having to bail with parachutes, some of those people may experience joy, and other intense fear. All without having to first consciously think about what is happening (though yes, their subconscious mind must become aware of the circumstances). This is because some of them harbor the belief, or knowledge, that for them jumping out of a plane is fun; while others may be seriously afraid of heights, or death.
Those emotions, and the hormones that accompany them, encourage certain thoughts and actions, but they are induced by the subconscious mind. And this can be seen by medical professionals as certain areas of the brain light up briefly when people encounter situations or thoughts that inspire emotion. The subconscious mind looks to the areas of the brain where beliefs or knowledge are stored, then it reacts by inducing the appropriate hormones.
It’s like a person in the back of your car who sees another car speeding to the intersection you’re about to drive through, who you don’t see, and they alert you to the danger by suddenly speaking loudly and rapidly and announcing the presence of the danger. Only it’s not another person, it’s another part of you.
We can all control our subconscious, to a certain degree, by controlling what tools it uses to measure the situations we encounter, by adjusting our beliefs to ensure they agree with reality. Sometimes fear is appropriate, sometimes it’s not.
Imagine again that situation with the passengers of the plane. If 50 of them experience so much fear that it immobilizes them, and they refused to jump, they would all die in the crash instead. So it would be important for them, and those around them, to try and convince their subconscious minds that that level of fear was not actually appropriate at that moment.
But similarly, there are people out there who harbor other beliefs that are not in alignment with reality; like the belief that other people or their environment, and not them, are in control of their feelings. And so then they are always passively living as victims of the circumstances of their existence; rather than living as self-actualized, mature, and functional people.
Note: The same is true about good feelings as bad feelings. For example, some characteristics of others that we’re attracted to are natural, others are defined by our personal beliefs, but how we react when we encounter people with those characteristics isn’t entirely controlled by our conscious mind. Our subconscious mind will notice the attractive characteristics too, and it will cause the body to produce the hormones necessary to encourage a desire for closeness and bonding with those people. Some people allow themselves to be swept away–seduced–by the euphoria that some of those hormones produce, when they otherwise shouldn’t; and some people get the feels, but they may consciously decide not to pursue relations with the attractive person for various reasons–either appropriate or inappropriate reasons.
Knowing how we function, in this regard, grants us each greater power over how we behave. Some people are naturally better at this than others, but all normal people are capable of it to some degree. We just have to identify when we’re reacting vs acting, and why… then adjust the why if we decide it’s appropriate to do so. That’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Highly informative info
Thank you
this is excellent news. now i can be an asshole guilt-free and when someone complains that i’m hurting them, i’ll respond with: “actually, you’re hurting yourself; get over it.”
Its just more of the ‘me me me- me myself and I first mentality’. Which has lead people to be so atheist/satanist/self centered and is the cause of so many of today’s societal problems.
Next thing you know the Doc will be saying its ok to punch another person in the face and as that person feels pain, the attacker will say- its your fault you feel that way.
This type of logic is also why we have florida popcorn, skittles and other stand your ground killers today- who have no respect, kindness, or compassion for other people.
I get the notion you shouldn’t let someone who is emotionally abusing you to be an enabler for them. But whatever happened to the notions of standing up for oneself? I’m sorry- when you tell another person you’re making me feel this way- you’re standing up for yourself especially when you back it up even further with another statement after it like- and if you don’t stop- you’re gonna get your ass beat.
It makes more sense to approach hurt feelings from one of two ways I’ve heard of.
1 – When you _________, I feel ____________. I don’t believe we can outright blame another individual for how we feel. Let me clarify. There are many people who let stupidity roll off their back and refuse to take it on, be offended, “feel” bad. Therefore, it is quite clearly possible to NOT FEEL hurt or stupid or any other such negative the offender may attempt to make you feel… also supporting the idea that a person CAN make you feel a certain way. There ARE people who seem to LIVE for degrading others. If they can assert this “power” (or control) over another, they feel better about themselves. This indicates that the pain of another can cause someone to feel good (or bad) about themselves as well. And if you take that a step farther, you can understand, then, how the offender may well be FEELING horrible due to someone having treated THEM poorly!!!
It doesn’t justify anything; just explains a possible scenario that could allow the potentially offended to CHOOSE not to take it on. Know what I mean??? I can’t even suggest it is a careful blend of one and the other, but both certainly contribute to the outcome.
2 – we can come up with an applicable analogy by which to make our feelings clear to the offender. Pick something this person enjoys that is a similar scenario and convey that how such and such makes THEM feel is the same as how ___ makes YOU feel. HOPEFULLY, they will absorb your point more fully by associating it with something that hurts THEM! You can sill implement the “when you ___, I feel ___” strategy above to strengthen your analogy….. etc.
If you risk harm by bringing such things to the attention of someone, I would have to say that this person (or at LEAST the relationship between you) is toxic and further action to be taken than simply trying to talk it out. There are countless variables that may shift or slightly tweak the best response; NO ONE SOLUTION IS THE ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL CURE ALL! 🙂 js
oops -forgot to say… i don’t believe we can outright blame SELF for those hurt feelings either…
Healthy atheist, satanists, et cetera… aren’t selfish, but they are aware of the need for self-care. I suggest you and everyone else familiarize themselves with the definitions of these things, independently, but I’m going to include them here too.
Selfishness, is the excessive focus on one’s self, or ones own needs. Selfishness is synonymous to narcissism (an unhealthy characteristic).
Self-care, is any intentional and necessary care of a person that is provided by that same person. A person making sure to bathe when it’s appropriate is seeing to their self-care; but so is a person who looks after their own mental welfare.
Here, you’ve made the mistake of assuming that self-care is selfish; and so then jumped to the logical conclusion that if self-care is okay, being selfish is then okay too–the real world is not generally that binary (black and white).
This is not an uncommon error. There was a well known author and psychologist, who wrote about and focused on self-esteem, who was lambasted for his work promoting the idea that people should take care of themselves… as though that meant they should just disregard other people and be selfish. But that wasn’t what he was saying at all.
Instead he was saying that healthy people are much better at taking care of others–they make better parents, teachers, leaders, friends, lovers, et cetera… And since this is true, people should first focus on making sure they are healthy, as a primary goal, so that they can then be a more useful participants in society; so that they can be better parents, teachers, leaders, friends, and lover, et cetera…
He never said to ‘only’ focus on yourself, and he never promoted the idea that people would just disregard others. Though he too made the error of assuming that ‘any’ focus on oneself was selfish, rather than adhering to the actual definition, and acknowledging that it was an ‘excessive’ focus on ones self that made one selfish, not a ‘necessary’ focus on ones self. And as a result of his error, he too said, in his books, that ‘some’ selfishness is okay.
But he was wrong, all selfishness is excessive, and therefor inherently not okay.
And conversely, if self-care is necessary, it’s not excessive, it cannot be.
Note: though self-care should always be a primary driver for an individual, that does not mean that they can’t manage their self-care while also participating in society, or functioning as parents/friends/lovers. Self-care should be seen as an ongoing lifelong activity, so one must usually do both, though sometimes it may be necessary to take a break from others, or specific environments, in order to better see to one’s self-care (this is the basic idea behind annual vacations).
The most difficult part of this process is identifying your negative thoughts, which are so ingrained that a depressive hardly ever notices them and just starts feeling awful about what is happening in their lives. Once you identify the thoughts you can work toward challenging them.
Wendy Aron, author of Hide & Seek: How I Laughed at Depression, Conquered My Fears and Found Happiness
Now On Sale at Amazon!
Hello,
I am wondering why cognitivists despise psychoanalytical therapies so much. I’ve been through a psychoanalytical therapy and came up with (partly) the same conclusion about feelings and thinking that cognitive therapies are stating. I belive it’s just a stupid theoretical war that therapist who care about people don’t take in consideration (because you cannot be doctrine-religious and a good therapist)
The thing with a book like “3 minutes therapy” is I would never buy it because of the title (sounds like all self help bullshit), and because of ideas like – change your mind, change your feelings. But my mind and my feelings is myself, it’s self insulting to hear this statement.
***I am wondering why cognitivists despise psychoanalytical therapies so much. I’ve been through a psychoanalytical therapy and came up with (partly) the same conclusion about feelings and thinking that cognitive therapies are stating. I belive it’s just a stupid theoretical war that therapist who care about people don’t take in consideration (because you cannot be doctrine-religious and a good therapist)
>>>>>> Do they? Perhaps staunch cognitivists would so state, but if there is ANY balance in their heads, I would hope they acknowledge the usefulness of another theory’s input as well as their own.
>>>>>> The WAR aspect of psychological therapies is childish IMO. We are made up of spirit, soul, and body. We are NOT just robots to be programmed, diagnosed as malfunctioning, and reset to fit one theory. We were fearfully and wonderfully made – EACH of us as individual as the countless stars in the universe…. NO FINGERPRINT being identical to another person’s! Pretty much like
>>>>>> IF I’m understanding your last sentence above, I have to respectfully disagree. Though it is probably about as rare to find as a secularist who incorporates God into the therapy, I believe that EACH “side” should consult his own intelligence!!! LOOK at the other information that you THINK [perhaps have only been TOLD] is in opposition to your own currently held theory.
I’m so sick of the “religious” folk refusing to hear ANYthing to do with secular methods for therapy, etc. And I’m just as sick of the secular folk refusing to consider the spiritual aspect of a person in their conclusions! IT ALL WORKS TOGETHER! Impartiality + faith = a whole lot of reality and potentially EFFECTIVE solutions to problems we endure in this world. js
***The thing with a book like “3 minutes therapy†is I would never buy it because of the title (sounds like all self help bullshit), and because of ideas like – change your mind, change your feelings. But my mind and my feelings is myself, it’s self insulting to hear this statement
>>>>>> Not everyone is GOING to buy that book – who cares? I mighta missed something here; if so, please forgive me. Depending on just where a given individual may BE in their therapy, this may be THE answer to conclude how they acquire the healing they need.
If you have never had a pair of skis put on your feet, instructors are surely not going to get you into a pair and send you down Mount Wannahokalugee!!! ahem Someone who has already conquered this Mount is not going to be offered lessons on how to secure the boot, etc. It might also be that these words are far too broad for our liking. It is greatly possible that if we were to go THROUGH such “lessons” in therapy, that we might SEE how the title is not even the TIP of an iceberg.
I completely hear your complaint, though, as I’ve been told I “talk too much”! And don’t ANY of you comment on how long my responses are! 😛 lol But hey! I’M a talker and sometimes, it just takes talking through something to come to an understanding of it! There ARE multiple learning styles!!! 🙂 I don’t want to stop being ME because someone used the word EXTRANEOUS to describe my communication! 🙁 I’m not really 100% sure just how to approach that. I guess, rather than insisting it’s all BS, perhaps WITHIN our own dissimilar beliefs, we can at least consider the possibilities…. mull it over, so to speak….. at some point, we can simply discard what we don’t feel fits….. and who knows, maybe those very things will be what ultimately sets us free from our “block” <- not sure of the word I want here. Our STUCK place…..
This is just not true. This flies in the face of our current understanding about how the brain works. Thoughts do not drive emotions. Emotions come first, especially intense ones. That said, CBT can and does help some people, but often people who are less distressed and whose problems are not long-standing. The practice and theory of CBT does have an empathy problem. There’s no way of getting around it. If empathy were central, then the therapy would be more relational and client-centered.
CBT can also be offensive to those whose problems have been foisted on them somehow but manifest symptoms that the therapist then tries to treat with CBT. CBT labels all but the most optimistic thoughts distorted or irrational.
Its astounding to me how this therapy has gained such a footing in our mental health system (despite the obvious reasons why). And its proponents continuously over-represent the evidence base for this therapy. It is almost literally perceived as a panacea, being studied for things like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which is actually a medical disorder.
I cringe every time I hear someone say that thoughts drive emotions. Its is ridiculously simple and is not even rational. A perfect example is a previous commenters post above. (See above)
JC, I agree with of what you say. Thoughts can certainly cause feelings, eg thinking of someone you love. But I do agree CBT and especially his “you are responsible for your emotions” crap is insulting. EG you are being bullied at work/school/home/whereever, but oh, you are responsible for feeling depressed/angry because of that. You can’t help how you feel in that case, it’s like someone saying to you that you shouldn’t flinch or feel pain when someone is about to punch you. Another example would be someone with shell PTSD: stick ’em in an fMRI and watch their brain light up when you expose them to a trigger. They can’t help it.
This wanting to repressing feelings is sickening and flies in the face of all the other articles here (eg accepting and letting yourself feel hurt and angry after getting out of a bad relationship”).
Thoughts absolutely cause emotion, without thoughts, including subconscious ones, how could you possibly feel. Your emotions are driven by memories.You may not consciously have a thought that correlates your current situation to a past situation but sub consciously it is happening. Ever come across a situation where you say to your self ” I don’t know how to feel about this”. This is because you have never come across a situation like this before and then how You handle that situation will greatly affect your emotions in the future when dealing with a similar situation.
jr:
I agree with the way you put it! I also wonder, though, how to apply the opposite thoughts on this subject! Wow… lots of good information and opinions and experiences….
I’m going to suggest [with little to no thought on it] that both are correct. I’m betting that it depends on the perceived [OR actual] “cause”. Clearly, there are things that can happen to a person or around a person, etc., that would be the cause of a person feeling a certain way.
But I’m also thinking that, in the short run – or first layer, we CAN choose not to take someone’s random comment to heart. I can’t believe the author would actually purport we are in control of those deeper layers though – the constant, repetitive insults or actions…. and PARTICULARLY as a child! Many things are imposed upon us that we simply HAVE no control over. Well, maybe if we had good teaching &/or counseling, those things would not get that far that we lose control of our feelings.
We have to acknowledge that no one else is physically controlling our brains! BUT, what has been put INTO our brains can be toxic; and once we learn what is toxic vs healthy, we can begin to work on the reprogramming of those thoughts! So, yes, really our thoughts ARE our responsibility, but if a child grows up being sexually abused, he or she may “come to feel” worthless; probably not until they encounter the truth that the abuse is not healthy, though.
How else would we know WHAT to think or feel? Oh my goodness! There is a really good thesis paper in all this! I can’t think clearly enough to make it flow freely. I’m bouncing around, back and forth…. I apologize. But I certainly have a bunch to ponder &/or research…
Thanks for stirring my own thoughts and feelings.
Sorry, both are not correct. One says that emotions are a result of thoughts. The other says that emotions are not the result of thoughts–or not always.
Science says, emotions are the results of thoughts. Scientists have watched it happened in MRI machines, in real-time.
Thoughts, are not always conscious. There is a subconscious too. And that subconscious controls emotions, using the same belief system or knowledge that the conscious person does.
Our subconscious is not magical. Our emotions are not the result of some ethereal force. Our subconscious mind merely sidesteps our conscious mind in order to influence our behaviors. This is supposed to happen for our benefit, but since it relies on our personal beliefs, our knowledge, to determine how to respond, it makes errors sometimes too.
We can fix this, consciously, by determining what beliefs we have that don’t agree with reality, and adjusting them. But we don’t necessarily need to change everything. If we believe fire is dangerous, for example, we may be right to fear it–to a reasonable degree at least. Or, for another example, if we think that intelligent people are sexy, our subconscious mind is probably right to make our bodies produce hormones that make us want to be close to the intelligent people we meet. But then if we find disabled people attractive, because of their disability, we might have some kind of issue.
The idea that we are all perfect as is, at any point of time, is itself horrifically flawed. We all are in fact constantly changing–constantly learning new things. All Cognitive Behavioral Therapists, or many other psychological professionals, are saying is that we can choose to direct some of those changes, intelligently and intentionally, so long as we understand how our brains work.
They’re saying that we can become self-actualized, mature, intelligent adults, rather than just meander through life as mere victims of the circumstance of our environments… And this, believe it or not, is true.
I’m not saying that we should all run around unhappy because we’re not perfect. We should still accept and love ourselves and each other, despite our flaws. But we should also be willing to acknowledge that we have flaws, that we always will, and that we can always improve, in some way, shape, or form.
For example, it’s not really important whether an abusive person changes for their own benefit or for the benefit or others, but it is important whether or not that become a better person. Because as long as they remain an abusive person they will cause unnecessary damage in their lives and the lives of those they abuse. People are more likely to change for themselves, naturally, and thus is it more likely they will change if they can see the damage they are causing in their own life; but if they can empathize with others, they may choose to change for the benefit of those they love too. In either case it’s unlikely they can make that change if they don’t love themselves enough to see themselves for who they are–if they are unable to accept themselves, flaws and all.
I really wish the original author of this article had been specific about the function of the subconscious, and the reciprocal nature of thoughts and emotions: we have to think to believe, to know; we have to have beliefs, and knowledge–even natural knowledge–to feel; and when we experience feelings they can influence conscious thought. Just like anything we have learned to do, or learned to do better, in our individual workplaces, when we, as individuals, understand how we ourselves work, we can then work intentionally to maximize our personal potential.
Edward… thank you so, so much for every comment you have posted. You have put a lot of solidification in my mind.
Taking responsibility for our feelings is not just a therapy intervention issue. It also is the key factor in my work teaching brain-based coping skills in schools and community education programs. As an Emotional Health Educator, the programs I’ve developed are preventative and asset-development focused. I have collected pre- and post-project self-assessments evaluating education projects with kids that shows incredible gains in coping confidence and self-acceptance. Our six-year demonstration and research program promotes self-discipline using less than 3-hrs. of classroom time. This educational approach has been evaluated by aggregating results by age, class and gender.
Why teach healthy coping skills and brain function literacy to 700 pre-teens (grades 4-6)? Taking responsibility for one’s feelings (and behavior) is part of strengthening one’s self-management of common stressful and upsetting emotional experiences. These are LIFE SKILLS that once learn become imbedded brain patterns that strengthen emotional resilience and self-acceptance throughout life. My book on this process, “Emotional Honesty & Self-Acceptance: Education Strategies for Preventing Violence” advocates emotional health education approaches in which we learn the relationship between “emotions” and “feelings.” This is a critical distinction that informs us about what we can change and what we can’t.
I have come to believe that “Feelings are the subjective interpretation of our emotional experiences.” Emotions originating in the brain limbic system are interpreted by our reasoning and thinking neocortex. These are two distinct types of brain functions. That’s why we teach brain-function literacy so students as young as 9-yrs. old can begin building brain-based coping competence that enables them to deal with their coming teenage years ruled by brain and behavior changes about which most kids, their teachers and parents have little familiarity. It is through education that we can give our children the tools to regulate brain impulses that help them “honor†and take responsibility for their feelings. Once they understand these processes they will use them to diminish the inevitable torment and angst during adolescence.
I’m obviously not as educated as you all & have no book to sell, but I have been under treatment with a combo of medications for bipolar I disorder for 10 years & am thankful for the new medications available. My mother also had bipolar & committed suicide when I was a teenager.
I had several attempts myself but with medication & individual therapy & dialectical behavioral therapy I am trying to treat BOTH sides of the equation: the biochemical & emotional/psychological issues I have that are impairing my ability to enjoy & function to the fullest extent possible (though having that higher quality of life is definitely my goal).
I beg to differ with the previous poster who stated that thoughts do not drive emotions–that emotions occur first. In my case–JUST THE OPPOSITE. I have thoughts (& have had delusional thoughts that have been alleviated with medication) that lead to emotions but the “normal” range of emotions don’t stay with me. The emotions escalate very quickly into intense, overwhelming feelings which lead me to doing irrational acts (such as overdoses) to try to alleviate the emotional pain. Through the DBT therapy/classes I am learning techniques to pause, institute mindfulness & breathing techniques & try to employ rational thinking instead of automatically jumping to my natural emotional response to “triggers.”
I am 54 years old & just beginning to learn how to manage my emotional turmoil but I have hope with the medications that have helped with the paranoia & delusional thinking & now with the DBT to help judge whether my thoughts (which lead to the incredible emotions) are rational or not.
I have not had a suicide attempt in 2 years. I hate to say it, but in my case that is “successful.”
So many theories just seem to use different words for similar things. I do agree that CBT often is lacking in empathy and the experiential component. I believe there needs to be both, and I sometimes pull more from either one side or the other but seek for a balance. If someone doesn’t think I am trying to understand them, they aren’t going to be very open to any feedback I offer. Taking on such a process is hard work and people are making themselves vulnerable to me asking for help. That deserves a certain amount of gentleness and seeking to help them feel “safe” to talk about these things.
No matter what a person has been through, though, I am generally very pro responsibility and no one “makes you” anything. I want people to not give away their power and to realize they have more choice than they think. This is because I do care and want them healthier. I talk a lot with people about boundaries and protecting what is theirs emotionally by not letting themselves get all confused and involved in what is someone else’s emotional junk.
Emotions are important, though. God gave them to us for a reason or two. One of the things I always appreciated about Murray Bowen was that he never said he wanted people to be so able to work from a place of clear thinking and never have feelings. He simply said he wanted people not to be ruled by their feelings and react based on feelings. I love DBT because it allows for feelings while still saying we can choose how to manage them. This chicken or thing is not as relevant to me as helping people understand they don’t have to be controlled by feelings.
I read an article recently that presented this same idea in slightly different language. The point was that, whether we have an instant physical or emotional reaction or not, we can choose how to behave and that this choice will largely be based on how we make meaning of something. The article is by David Steele, MFT and relationship coach. He used the example of fact vs interpretation. “The sky is blue” is fact. “The sky is pretty and it is a beautiful day” is a judgment based on the fact. Our judgments of, or interpretations of, facts, get us in trouble. If we stick to the fact and consider the range of possible reasons or meanings, we are more able to suspend judgment and not automatically jump to anger or hurt feelings. People decide what they think something means and act on that assumption.
I love the idea of teaching classes for pre teens. So many of the adolescents I work with don’t have skills for managing their emotions. I wish they’d had some ability to learn these things before the hyperemotionality and raging hormones took over. Adults in their lives often don’t handle their emotions well either. We could all do a better job with this stuff, I guess.
CARMELLA: Pretty much a perfect assessment of the subject as a whole if y’ask me. WOW! I’m impressed. 🙂
I don’t understand the idea that we’re responsible for how we feel. What about when I’m doing something or voicing an opinion&someone else jumps all over my case because I’m not thinking exactly as they do. I was raised to believe that I wasn’t allowed to feel angry, sad, or frustrated. Well, I feel those things when someone jumps on my back&attacks me emotionally-why is what I’m feeling-when it’s negative-my fault/problem when someone else is attacking me? I didn’t ask for them to say or do cruel, mean things to me, so why is it my fault? Am I supposed to ignore it when someone treats me poorly? Why are there no repercussions for their behavior? For instance the guy who said “Now I can be an asshole&blame the hurt on the person I’m being an asshole to because how they feel is their fault.” I just don’t get this whole “You’re to blame for how you feel,” when there are people who act like the guy I mentioned does. Does this mean being an asshole&picking on people is OK?
The point is, if we actually believe that someone else controls whether we feel upset then we are at their mercy emotionally. On the other hand, if we believe that even though we may initially feel a pang of anger or hurt when some attacks us, that we ourselves, alone have the power to keep it from really bothering us, then we are at no one’s mercy and have way more control in life. This way of thinking does not make it “okay” in a moral sense for people to mistreat others, but what is okay doesn’t really have to do with this concept. Of course, one hopes that most people will be kind and think is is not right to blatantly mistreat others. Hopefully most will treat others in a golden rule fashion because it is a fact that you tend to get what you give in dealing with other peope. However, it is a reality that some people will mistreat us and then we have to deal with it. They could very well just say “Well, if you don’t like what I say that is your problem” and sadly, as far as our emotional reaction goes, they would be right. We cannot control anyone else. That is when we have to decide whether we will allow that person’s comment, action etc. to bother us because we attach a greater meaning to it, such as “If this person is criticizing me, then I should take their opinion of me very seriously and feel insecure about myself”.
Now no one is saying one cannot tell the offending person that you will not tolerate being treated with disrespect and establish consequences for them, should they continue to act in the way we disapprove of, such as reporting them to a boss or leaving them if we are in relationship. That makes them responsible for making their choice and dealing with what happens as a result. But the point is, the emotional reaction is our own problem to deal with. If we don’t allow something someone else says or does to have so much weight and meaning for us, we cannot feel insulted or hurt, etc. The only way we can keep from feeling bad when others inevitably act rude, is to believe we alone can control whether we give it meaning and have a reaction to it or not.
Wow, Taryn! That is a great response.
All the way through it, I was thinking FORGIVENESS! CHOOSE to forgive the offender and set whatever healthy boundaries are necessary to avoid it in the future…. puts you in control of your feelings, and consequences become their responsibility as you stated. 😀
I am having a little trouble wrapping my mind around this concept. I am 47 yrs old and trying to change things this late in life is very hard. How can I not get my feeling hurt? I can I control that? When my boyfriend is curt with me or very short, it really almost makes me cry. I shrivel up. I am wounded. How can I make my mind tell my emotions not to be wounded? Why does it seem that the other person is not as responsible for their behavior as I am for my feelings after the bad behavior? Why can they continue to exhibit that behavior and I am not allowed to let that person know how I feel about the way I was treated? It is very important for me to comprehend this? My boyfriend is very adamant about me getting this concept, but yet he can remain the same mean self he is!
Please help…..
“Deborah 11:18 pm on January 16th, 2011
I am having a little trouble wrapping my mind around this concept. I am 47 yrs old and trying to change things this late in life is very hard. How can I not get my feeling hurt? I can I control that?
When my boyfriend is curt with me or very short, it really almost makes me cry. I shrivel up. I am wounded. How can I make my mind tell my emotions not to be wounded?
Why does it seem that the other person is not as responsible for their behavior as I am for my feelings after the bad behavior? Why can they continue to exhibit that behavior and I am not allowed to let that person know how I feel about the way I was treated?
It is very important for me to comprehend this? My boyfriend is very adamant about me getting this concept, but yet he can remain the same mean self he is!
Please help…..”
OHHH DEBORAH! I hear you. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helps a person *****change the way they think***** about things that are UNHEALTHY! I’m sure there are occasions where it MAY work in reverse – sort of like taking Adderall if you do NOT have ADHD/AD: you get the opposite effect than what the medication is intended to address.. Every person is unique also. What works for one person may not work for another. I don’t believe for a nano second that it is wrong OR unhealthy to FEEL hurt or put down when someone is doing/saying things to hurt or put you down! What else would you feel!
It’s a healthy response from within a healthy mind that compels us to REMOVE OURSELVES from that scenario unless it CAN be resolved – meaning, if your boyfriend is [or you PERCEIVE him to be] curt with you, you should be able to share those feelings with you – however, he IS a male so it is possible he still won’t agree, but HE, being someone who professes to love you, should CARE enough to consider any conduct that causes you hurt for ANY reason.
Now, you MIGHT have legitimate hurt or you MIGHT be overly sensitive – in either case, BOTH people should be considering the other person’s needs/feelings and behave accordingly. NO, NOT try to MAKE them happy, but be sure one’s words or actions are not demeaning, degrading, accusatory, threatening, or crippling – literally or emotionally! It has to be talked through, unless he is otherwise abusive, I would encourage that. If he is emotionally/verbally ABUSING you, I hope you realize that the only control you may have NOW, in THIS situation, may well be to sever ties. That is ALWAYS difficult, I swear – at least for me. But to be HEALTHY, we must learn to demonstrate respect for ourselves and as a result of that, NOT ALLOW ANOTHER PERSON to hurt you in that way.
IF you happen to be overly sensitive, it MAY be important for you to discuss this with someone you trust – a pastor, therapist, very close friend who is mature enough to handle it….. I find it HELPS, at least, when someone like that informs me that I seem to be a certain way. I don’t have to BUY it, but I will most definitely ponder it and determine for my SELF if it’s something I wish to apply in my life. When I learn that something I find HORRIFIC is not so foreign in 17 year old son, I can CHOOSE to approach incidents that typically hurt me in a different way. Sometimes, this is the ONLY means of control we have over our feelings.
But random comments from someone not close to you [perhaps a co-worker or extended family member] should NOT have the power to MAKE you feel any such way. I always suggest CONSIDERING THE SOURCE. You can brush this kind of thing off by remembering you are better than what they would have you believe. If it continues, you have control enough to stand up for yourself and set some healthy boundaries. oxo Best Wishes Hon.
Deborah: it sounds like your boyfriend continues to exhibit bad behavior, as you say. why do you continue to have someone in your life that treats you this way? how many chances do you need to give someone to demonstrate they are mean to you and that is not going to change? are you willing to wait 20 years for the lightbulb to go off in his head? more likely he will eventually dump you because you’re not happy with the way he treats you after you hang in there all that time hoping for him to change. there is someone else out there that will treat you the way you want! don’t lose any more time!
To start on the path to healthy thought patterns, it’s first necessary to identify the sufferer’s system of beliefs. This isn’t a lengthy process of excavating “unconscious†memories. Usually a few minutes of asking simple questions will elicit a person’s faulty thinking CAN YOU PLEASE PROVIDE SOME INFO ON WHERE I CAN FIND THESE SIMPLE QUESTIONS TO ASK MYSELF TO REVIEW MY BELIEF SYSTEM?
I fully understand where the article is coming from, but it really only focuses on the negative. By the same logic, is it not true that no other person can make us feel happy?
If I am sad because of something my boyfriend says, and that stems from a flawed system of thinking, being over sensitive/emotional, etc. how can I feel happy by something else that he says?
If I am not supposed to feel sad or cut down, or feel small because of a negative comment, then I cannot feel elated, or happy or special by what someone else says to me either.
That being said, what is the point of having social relationships at all? Our emotional response being tied to what another person says or does is what keeps society (for the most part) in check.
This puts the golden rule out in left field. Treat others as I would want them to treat me. However if they have no emotional response to how I treat them, then they will not be able to understand an emotional response I have in how I perceive them to be treating me. One can only be a door mat for so long.
If you continually go out of your way to do things that appear to create a positive emotional response in another person, but they don’t do the same for you because, logically they can’t create any emotional response either way. You would stop going out of your way to make that person happy.
If my partner doesn’t have to be accountable for saying hurtful things or saying things that make me feel sad, then he doesn’t get to take credit for making me happy.
So why am I with him? Why is anyone with their partners? I can make myself happy all on my lonesome, without the emotional baggage of having to hear potentially negative comments. So what is the point?
I don’t understand exactly, if we aren’t responsible for other peoples reactions at all, then how come you can be arrested for yelling “Fire” in a crowded Theater?
I’m not sure a public safety analogy where others are fearful for their own life is an apt comparison.
You can only be responsible for what you feel and react. You can’t be responsible for other people’s feelings and reactions — that’s their business.
When we say, “You make me so angry,” or “You make me upset at you,” what we really mean is, “You know what buttons to push in me, and I let you push them. Although I don’t realize it, it is a conscious choice. Instead of letting these feelings overwhelm me, I’m going to acknowledge them, but then not let them take over the conversation or affect my entire mood for the day.”
It’s a skill anyone can learn, and due to the format here, I’m simplifying the process. Any good therapist can help a person learn to express their thoughts and emotions in a way that is more beneficial for themselves — and their own mental health.
Suddenly, what other people say or do has a lot less power over us. It’s an all-too-often unconscious choice we can learn to bring to the forefront of our consciousness.
I don’t really agree with the idea that no one can make us feel a certain way, or that we cause all of our feelings.
Would you go up to a 10 year old and say “Your mommy isn’t hurting you when she says you are lazy, selfish and inconsiderate, and that you are the reason she wants to kill herself”?
Would you tell them “you are responsible for your own reactions to those words” and “you are causing your own feelings of guilt and worthlessness”?
Or, later, when a mother tells a daughter she is fat, and not good enough, and a disappointment- every day? Is it the daughters duty to “not take it personally”, if the mother is unable to change?
Maybe feelings come from faulty belief systems- but where do those belief systems come from, then?
“Maybe feelings come from faulty belief systems- but where do those belief systems come from, then?”
If/When our feelings [or behaviors] truly DO come from faulty “belief systems” – then we MUST responsibly QUESTION the feelings/behavior AND belief system to determine which to adjust. It’s NOT always the belief system that is wrong either! When we act in opposition to our beliefs, we experience cognitive dissonance! It’s a conflict between what we believe/accept as true and our natural self, what we WANT, regardless of the cost. Consider addictions, for example.
We know it is wrong or a very bad idea to use methamphetamines, yes? There’s the BELIEF SYSTEM. If we were to use [even once] or attend a party where it will be present, we are likely to experience guilt; and to resolve the dissonance, we either choose to go home or ignore the FEELINGS that are RIGHTLY in place.
NOW, as to where these belief systems come from: more than likely our home life, and of course school activities… The critical stage of childhood development where we are learning what will become the foundation of our understanding of life is a BIG part of where the belief system comes from imo. Of course, there is what the parents say and do and others with whom one interacts on a regular basis who will also contribute to what you learn at this time. It is a product of one’s particular environment. Without a “belief system” we don’t really have any understanding of right and wrong…. I believe it is GREATLY [if not wholly] determined by this developmental stage.
At some point in our lives, though, we MUST acknowledge what of our system we are going to retain and what we decide is NOT appropriate or accurate…………. it clearly changes over the course of life, but it begins in our brains. THAT, again in MY opinion/belief, is a divine process.
Well what about when you see someone and get the reaction of falling in love? Then you can clearly assume that their presence caused a rush of, (I forgot the name) which led your brain to interpret that what language calls “falling in love”. Therefore, they are responsible over your feelings in the sense that they are the cause of your brains reaction to them.
The CAUSE of an effect doesn’t HAVE to mean the responsibility for specifically CAUSING the feelings of another person though.
In my understanding, cause and effect is more solid than a given stimulant that may or may not cause the same effect across the board. ie: the same person’s looks may have the opposite effect or even no effect at all on another person who sees these looks. Isn’t that the bulk of cause and effect???? If it causes 100 different effects in various people, it would not be considered a CAUSE, specifically, would it?
I’m just trying to put in words the greater depth one must dig into this subject before making any declarations….
MIGHT be a poor example, but I’m going there anyway – I hope it’s ok.
I would have to say that MOST people would find the pungent odor of pig manure highly undesirable to the olfactory senses! However, as my daughter has informed me, if you spent any time in Korea, you would likely not find many smells here in the US offending! Relativity comes into play, then, as well. Someone who grew up raising pigs might ALSO think nothing of it. What things affect HOW we react to various stimuli?
I’m sorry if I’m just making noise, but does ANYone get where I’m TRYING to go with this line of thinking? Thanks!
The poisonous new age idea that we are all entirely responsible for our own feelings and so therefore should just choose to feel happy all the time, no matter our personal circumstances nor who we come into contact with really ought have died by now. It is a get out clause for modern society in place of personal responsibility for our effect on others and it causes self blame and misery. Shame on you for peddling this toxic rubbish.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. I often wonder why these articles focus so much energy on getting those affected by others actions/words to look at themselves as the cause of their own pain. Wouldn’t time be better served by telling them to avoid people who treat you this way?
Seriously, it seems the new philosophical bull of the hour is to convince people to not even confront bad behavior at all, and accept it as just “who they are”.
Well, I got news for you- if I was dating someone who became emotionally/verbally abusive, and when confronted retorted back with “I”M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR REACTION/FEELINGS TO WHAT I SAY”.
I would dump them so fast your head would spin.
THIS is being responsible for your environment/emotions.
Sitting in my room and
concentrating on not letting or “allowing” his words to cut me is a waste of time, and will get nobody anywhere.
J kline 2:01 pm on June 26th, 2014
Couldn’t have said it better myself. I often wonder why these articles focus so much energy on getting those affected by others actions/words to look at themselves as the cause of their own pain. Wouldn’t time be better served by telling them to avoid people who treat you this way?
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Seriously, it seems the new philosophical bull of the hour is to convince people to not even confront bad behavior at all, and accept it as just “who they areâ€.
Well, I got news for you- if I was dating someone who became emotionally/verbally abusive, and when confronted retorted back with “Iâ€M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR REACTION/FEELINGS TO WHAT I SAYâ€. I would dump them so fast your head would spin. THIS is being responsible for your environment/emotions. Sitting in my room and concentrating on not letting or “allowing†his words to cut me is a waste of time, and will get nobody anywhere.
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J KLINE:
Unfortunately, especially for the authors, there is only so much space to cover a topic, and ONE such article is certainly not the be all and end all of the subject. Also, if everyone wasn’t so easily and quickly offended by every single thing they read, hear, see, ETC, they might think to ask a question or two for clarification – it’s imperative that we remember the process of communication MUST include Q&A to reach mutual understanding. If someone misunderstands and runs with it, a whole lifetime of sorrow may be in store.
On the other hand, I HAVE heard people like you’ve described. Personally, I believe it is because of their OWN misunderstanding that they even say it that way. I don’t believe it thoroughly fits with the original solutions offered – and they ARE only offered. One size does not fit all!
People really need to be better educated on the concepts they THINK they are applying correctly. I have been told 1000 times, if I’ve been told ONCE, move forward, don’t live in the past, what you GET is what you put IN, you create your OWN destiny, bla bla blaaaaa I call BS too and would argue the point til I was blue and if they still didn’t SEE, I’d set my boundary a little bit farther OUT from that person! We don’t have to subject ourselves to such crap. In this way, we are being responsible for our own feelings – – – by determining what we will ALLOW others to do or say to us. But I’m sure that is not what the author meant in this article.
You sound as if you have some good, healthy boundaries in place – I am very happy to hear that. A great number of folks just don’t. 🙁 I think this article was intended to address something OTHER THAN ABUSE. 😉 In regular, day-to-day interaction, whether at the store, taking a walk, visiting our child’s school, or wherever one is not spending the majority of their time [cuz THOSE are more likely where you will find abuse] people often allow themselves to be hurt by misinterpreted comments/actions. We shouldn’t think for others – you know, assuming we know just what they meant by “that”!
I have another example, from years ago now: a lady in the church I was attending was talking to me in the vestibule about having tried to reach me by phone. I explained to her (being a 1-2-3/A_B_C kind of gal) that I did not receive any missed calls OR voice mails. Instead of approaching me with a simple question, she informed the pastor that I had called her a liar! REALLY?!!!! ugh – well, 1st of all the PASTOR should have advised her to go to ME and let me know how she felt about it. Instead, HE took it upon himself to chastise me for something I’d not even done! See how it all gets jumbled up? Had she simply asked me, “Are you calling me a liar?!” I would have tripped all OVER myself to ensure her I most certainly was NOT!
If we consider our audience and purpose for speaking, we might be a little better understood, but most simply do not wish to experience the discomfort of letting the communication process unfold as it should.
Y’all have GOT to realize that such a subject is impossible to address in every aspect of the application of it!!!
There are ALWAYS “exceptions” to every rule. It is also true that once a person comes to the realization that much of their dysfunctional upbringing [there is plenty today] has produced various behaviors they don’t even likely realize they are doing that DO contribute to the negative crap that goes on. Let me see if I can share an example that helps clarify:
A younger child [say age 11] is regularly sexually abused by a family member and lives in a home where one physically abusive person directly affects their well being [body, spirit, & soul]. This child is being TAUGHT how to act/behave and what is acceptable and what is not. They DO NOT KNOW these things in a concrete manner they can otherwise apply to circumstances. This is the time of development where they are LEARNING those things, meaning that this child is learning how to receive “love” and how to be accepted, how to view other relationships and act within them.
This child could become a little flirt, may think it’s alright to kiss on the mouth or touch others in even slightly invasive ways. Along the way, this child is experiencing REPETITION in different scenarios, which only serves to solidify the WRONG behaviors innocently & unknowingly learned earlier on. So, if a female [for example, cuz I am one and can’t really speak for men at all] becomes flirtatious [and as I’ve explained likely does not even realize her behavior unless and until a GOOD, honest, SAFE person points it out that her flirtations could get her in an awful lot of trouble] she is going to be acting out various movements & gestures, saying things to the opposite sex that simply are not appropriate, but more seductive than she realizes to date.
About 20 years ago, I was sitting on the lap of a man who worked for the business I was working AT! We were having an office party for some reason or another, and he was bein a tease and I responded to him in a way that suggested I wanted him to spend the night with me. I didn’t necessarily mean it that way, but that’s how it works! Thankfully, he gently made me aware that if he was not a decent man, I would find myself in a rather compromising situation. I think that was the beginning of MY realization of the things I was taught that were unhealthy. They were MY behaviors, but they were developed by way of sexual and physical abuse. I had not previously been aware of what I was doing and how it was being interpreted.
One might say that our behavior doesn’t excuse the abusers who continue to abuse us… that THEY are the perpetrator and WE are the victim: it’s NOT our fault! Well, I THINK I’ve clearly noted how that cannot be true. We WERE the victim! We don’t HAVE to remain one. These truths do not EXCUSE THEM – no way! But we must acknowledge HOW we have been contributing TO the abuse – by our wrongly programmed behaviors. When we learn how to NOT be abused, we will also learn to not allow others to hurt us anymore… I think that is an applicable interpretation of what this article is saying. We CAN be responsible for our own feelings…. THAT is how it is SUPPOSE to be. If we were abused in childhood, our understanding of right and wrong have been twisted, skewed, and even mangled sometimes.
I’m gonna start to rambling incessantly if I don’t just close this — please forgive me! My intention is to shed LIGHT on the truths that provide resources to ultimate healing. Especially if you [anyone] are 30, 40, 50 years old….. or older… PLEASE contemplate these things, ponder them, hypothetically play them out in your mind. Think about how your life could change [for the positive] by HEALING those hurts. You have to know that what you’ve done thus FAR has not done the job. Just don’t come out with your swords ready to murder the GOOD guy. k? oxo
The poisonous new age idea that we are all entirely responsible for our own feelings and so therefore should just choose to feel happy all the time, no matter our personal circumstances nor who we come into contact with really ought have died by now. It is a get out clause for modern society in place of personal responsibility for our effect on others and it causes self blame and misery. Shame on you for peddling this toxic rubbish.
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Hmmm – I don’t believe every individual is always responsible for his/her own feelings! The whole “think positive” philosophy is not to be applied in such a careless way – IN MY opinion! One-size-fits-all, pat answers are rarely the ultimate solution. My GUESS is people who do not wish to consider the effects of their own condescending, degrading, polluting words and/or behaviors find it easier to brush it off onto the victims!
In case no one has noticed, there aren’t too many who truly seem to care or have any real potential solutions to the problems we face today. Many, if not most prefer to “not see”! In fact, if we DO “care” and actually implement something to end a bad behavior, OVERKILL is often the result! NOT to open another topic here, but look at bullying! Without a doubt it is a problem – a big problem even, but children are now being BULLIED, quite frankly for allegedly bullying another…. it has gone to the extreme and is still not helping the problem. 🙁
Back to the point: scripture tells us to CHOOSE life, that his followers shall do “these and greater things” than Jesus did [HE called those things that are not as though they were…. until they had manifested]. He said that all things are possible to them that believe [on Him]. He told us to be kind to our enemies and to pray for those who spitefully use us! He also said to take captive our very thoughts and align them with what HE says about us rather than the hurtful words others may spew!
Perhaps it is a fine line between what is to be counted as FAITH [believing without seeing] and what is blindly following the pat answers of just think positive or YOU control your feeings so BE happy! Often, it seems easier to [ineffectively] sweep under the rug things that serve only to defeat us! These things must be confronted……. properly.
I don’t believe for a second that this means we area always in control of our feelings no matter who says or does what or the circumstances we are being crushed by! There is a healthy balance as with so many other aspects of life. It is my hope that people begin to seek that balance – in every day life! Where do you stand? Is it realistic? Does it promise true peace and love for EVERYone, or just cater to your own comfort/convenience?
Again, I don’t think we can say that any given cause applies across the board! Bad actions CONTRIBUTE to bad results, but I don’t believe they CAUSE them. And I doubt the author meant his words to be some be all/end all declaration that fits every scenario either!
one exception: narcissism.
This is an interesting point-of-view. Essentially, it equates to: I can say whatever I want because I am not responsible for anyone’s response. So it’s OK for me to say: jews are all filthy, evil, lying bastards who should all be killed in order for the rest of us to enjoy a decent life? That’s OK, right? Because any negative response to that is someone else’s problem, right?
This theory is nonsense & absolutly disgusT’s me, it’s complete & utter BS & what makes it even worse is they teach this “theory” to domestic violence offenders in a court ordered class in La Crossed, WI. Seriously someone please tell me how a victim of verbal or emotional abuse is making her or himself feel a certain way after being verbaly abused by her/his abuser.
please tell me how you can look into the eyes of a verball abused or emotionally abused victim and say to them that “your choosing to feel sad, alone, worthless,no good, trash Who will always be Nothing”. Do you honestly think these victims of abuse are chosing to feel this way? Hell no they don’t and nor do they deserve to hear that they are CHOSING to feel this way because of you and you and your pompous “theory”.
lindsey 1:16 am on March 19th, 2015
This theory is nonsense & absolutly disgusT’s me, it’s complete & utter BS & what makes it even worse is they teach this “theory†to domestic violence offenders in a court ordered class in La Crossed, WI. Seriously someone please tell me how a victim of verbal or emotional abuse is making her or himself feel a certain way after being verbaly abused by her/his abuser.
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LINDSEY: I should surely HOPE they are teaching the BALANCE of the whole! This theory is not nonsense; it needs to be applied appropriately! Which, quite frankly, I’ve not yet read more than ONE or two comments where it was! 🙁 EVERYONE today seems to be so quick to jump the gun and get all offended when a question or two may have accelerated the understanding it is meant to share.
From what I’ve studied my SELF of the subject in college and on my own, it seems as though a transition or bridge should have been shared along with this article (or a preface perhaps). I hope you will skim through the comments to find more of MY thoughts on the concept… and in so doing, I HOPE you are able to see how CBT is very effective – not on EVERY person and not in EVERY circumstance. If someone is being constantly abused in any way, they must make a choice to walk away, report to police, or get counseling [IF the other person wants to try]. Individual counseling isn’t the worst idea either and may even assist or direct you with/to other resources that can help.
There is much to be said in and about this article – the article alone is WAY too short to accomplish that. People in general OUGHT to be able to discern that much and ask for clarification rather than gettin all rip-roarin mad and making the same accusing remarks to the author and some are no doubt receiving from the relationship they feel this does not apply to! This perpetuates the problem, even the understanding OF the problem and how to go about addressing things head on. Sometimes, the only CONTROL or responsibility we have re: our feelings is to remove ourselves from the abusive situation. We ARE responsible for THAT!
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lindsey 4:30 pm on March 19th, 2015
please tell me how you can look into the eyes of a verball abused or emotionally abused victim and say to them that “your choosing to feel sad, alone, worthless,no good, trash Who will always be Nothingâ€. Do you honestly think these victims of abuse are chosing to feel this way? Hell no they don’t and nor do they deserve to hear that they are CHOSING to feel this way because of you and you and your pompous “theoryâ€.
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LINDSEY: I should hope no one would EVER tell the abused they are choosing to feel those things. It is not the time NOR place, so to speak, to even consider blaming ANYone, including the offender. It’s far more important to address current feelings – acknowledge them and accept them for what they are, set some important boundaries as needed, and then look at some coping strategies!
There IS a point, however, where the “victim” ultimately MUST moving FORWARD & take responsibility for their own feelings [and behaviors, thoughts, etc] ….. not regarding past abuses, but a healthier future and how to go about setting effective boundaries that will afford them a much happier life. If you read through more of my replies to comments here, you will better know what more I’m trying to convey. BEST WISHES!
For the Doc:
THIS “…empowered over their own beliefs, which directly influence their feelings.” is the only thing I would contest in your article. My GUESS, however, is that when you say beliefs or belief system, you are talking overall, not just faith… or perhaps you weren’t thinking faith at ALL! I think some people end up applying that statement as a means to overcome the faith that keeps them in the dark so to speak.
Just thought I’d point that out – who knows what readers are thinking, until they share HERE, of course. 😀
I can see where this is coming from but my boyfriend literally uses this every time I tell him he hurt me. He says that he can’t make me feel anything but you know its hard to feel nothing when he says something that you thought about a traumatic event is stupid and that doing something to protect him from bad consequences is stupid and then goes on to say hours later that I made him feel bad for teasing him about something trivial. I can’t help but feel like this stance created a monster that I have to deal with every single day.
Unfortunately people often misinterpret things, or misuse things to their advantage. The world isn’t usually so black and white, so binary, as to say that the person who feels is to be blamed for their feelings. The science discussed here isn’t meant to suggest that. It meant to suggest that people ‘can’ choose to have more influence over their own feelings.
Our feelings are controlled by our subconscious minds, so we ultimately we don’t choose them directly, but we can–to a certain degree–choose the belief systems we adhere to. And it’s primarily those beliefs that our subconscious mind uses as a gauge to decide how we should feel.
Our feelings are tools, of a sorts. When fear is concerned our feelings are usually there to protect us. And similarly so when love is concerned.
The emotion, love, is experienced as the result of the release of various hormones that encourage us to be close to and enjoy the company of people we ‘think’ are safe, and caring, and attractive, and good for us. Sometimes that is wrong.
Sometimes it’s wrong for just a day, a minute, or an hour. Sometime it’s wrong all the time. Sometimes the subconscious releases those hormones just because of ‘natural’ desires: lusting after somebody because of their naturally desirable physical characteristics alone. And sometimes it happens because of the characteristics we’ve chosen to pursue consciously: people of the same faith, perhaps?
Because of some of these characteristics of feelings people can often be manipulated into feeling things by people who would desire to do so.
Fore example, married couples work to maintain the romance in their relationships by intentionally manipulating each other into experiencing love, as the release of hormones: the intentionally touch often, they say nice things, the look into each others eyes often, et cetera…. This is okay and desirable manipulation.
Abusive partners charm their partners into forgiving them of their transgressions through the use of similar behaviors, but they are being deceptive (knowingly or otherwise): “I know I beat you a few minutes ago, but it won’t happen again. I love you (holds and comforts their victim).”
If you have a partner who is intentionally triggering your emotions, and using the fact that they are an internal experience as a way to displace responsibility for their behavior toward you, they are abusive.
The fact that you are the ultimate source of your emotions doesn’t negate their intentionally or unintentionally harmful behavior. But more importantly, it’s not about blame, it should never be about blame. It’s about how you ‘can’ control your emotions. Sometimes that’s by correcting beliefs that disagree with reality, and cause internal conflict as a result. Sometimes that’s about setting appropriate boundaries with regard to how you interact with the world, or people, outside of yourself.
Learn to recognize fire for fire. And don’t play with fire, if you don’t want to get burned…. But also allow for the fact that you too, as well as those around you, will make mistakes sometimes.
I forgot to mention. Instead of saying “you hurt me” (a blame statement) try something like “I don’t like it when you do (fill in the blank), and why”… but don’t make the why because you feel bad. Keep those feelings to yourself here, and treat the situation as a practical matter, not a matter of the heart. Only express why you feel bad, not that you do.
For example, “I don’t like it when you yell at me, it hurts my ears, and I think it’s disrespectful. I find it’s hard to actually listen to what you’re saying when you are yelling. I’d appreciate it if you would try and remain civil when you talk to me, even when you are angry. And if you can’t, I suggest taking a break and discussing the matter later instead, when you’re not so angry.”
And then, of course, if they can’t ever be civil, or they aren’t willing to try and be civil, leave them.
*I gotta stop being so quick to hit send.
Even I use the “I’m not responsible for your feelings” when my wife makes those blaming statements. But, for me, it’s not because I don’t want to take responsibility for my behavior. It’s because she is making a blaming statement, and I want to change the trajectory of the conversation. If she’s just going to attack me, I can either defend myself, counter attack (deflect), or run. Neither is very productive.
Sometimes I’ll rephrase her statements for her, and flush out what she should be saying. But then I end up effectively having a conversation with myself. And this, does not a healthy adult relationship make.
I wanted to point this out, because those “I ain’t responsible for your emotions” statements probably aren’t always an attempt to avoid responsibility. And you yourself said you’re making “you hurt me” blaming statements, which are also unproductive. Takes two to tango.
I’ll remember that the next time I’m treating a PTSD patient. It wasn’t the person who assaulted and raped them that cause them to feel horrible, it was themselves. Should I tell that to a patient with clinical depression that they are the ones responsible for being depressed even though they need ssris to remain functional that they can just snap out of it. Please don’t ever be a practitioner because you’ll do more harm than good.
You ARE responsible for your feelings, the sentiment that arises from how you believe your expectations have been met. You are also responsible for the quality of those expectations!
However, the above does not relieve others from the responsibility for their behaviors toward you. In no way does CBT deny this. There are two sides to the relationship!
The responsibility of the one feeling is two fold-
1- to have healthy expectations
2- to have a reasonable interpretation of what happened to them
With these in place, our emotions can be a helpful wonderful dimension of our life experience.
I like to think that the purpose of emotions is hidden in the very word:
“E-motion”- meaning to promote action on our part in response to an external stumulus. They work great every time if we have good expectations and an accurate perception of what happened to us.
“We Are Responsible for Our Own Feelingsâ€
How should one reflect when their partner uses the concept “We Are Responsible for Our Own Feelings†to justify their own inconsiderate and unempathetic behavior.
I do not feel overwhelmed by my emotions nor do I feel like the way I react to my emotions have consistently held a negative presents in my life. I’ve found strength in allowing myself to feel my emotions, reflect on them internally and try my best to use a combination of logic and truth to constructively express my self.
Expression in forms of conversation, art, music, writing and other.
If the reaction I receive in reflection to allowing my self to express my emotions is not as I desired, I assume I must need to reconsider my approach, possibly reconsider my logic. I never put my emotions to blame for undesirable results.
My partners perspective on me expressing emotion specifically pertaining to his influences on me highly values suppressing any form of reaction. Internalizing feelings to find a sense of power over them and not allowing them to hold the power. In moments where he perceives me as allowing my emotions to hold power he recalls ideologies in reflection to “we are responsible for our own feelingsâ€.
My feelings are not my enemy, I value my feelings and feel empowered by them. They push me to care about my self. They fuel my drive, remind me to stay humble and do better. They paint my sense of self.
From the angle in which I view the world I see the majority of human beings experiencing frustrations, upset and negative emotion regularly. Instead of acting on their feelings I noticed that most internalize it and sit in a state of discontent. Only a small select few attempt to constructively express their emotions externally. Many of those humans who allow themselves to react on their emotions undergo judgment and scrutiny within society. This can have extreme positive outcomes and also extreme negative outcomes.
I can see how one would use the lesson “we have power over our own feelings†to find self empowerment in situations where one might feel powerless. Advising those people who are sitting in a space of negativity fueled by their own thoughts to realize that ultimately they have control of their mental space and how they choose to allow them selves to feel about things or not feel.
The question is, should one be using this ideology in reflection to judge others behavior and release the feeling of responsibility for how their actions or words impact another’s mental state? “They are allowing their emotions to have power over them, I’m not responsible for their feelingsâ€.