A normal part of the psychotherapy process is something therapists call “disclosure.” This is simply your telling the therapist your thoughts, feelings, and experiences, which is a normal process of most types of psychotherapy. Sometimes, though, we have thoughts or feelings which are very near and dear to our hearts, or feelings or experiences that we are deeply embarrassed about. When we share such experiences or feelings in therapy, we might feel like we have “disclosed too much.” And once you let the cat out of the proverbial bag, it’s hard to know how to continue on in the therapeutic relationship.
Disclosing “too much,” however, is not that uncommon an experience. The psychotherapy relationship is an odd one, the kind of relationship that you don’t find elsewhere in everyday life. It’s intimate like your close relationships with a romantic partner, but also professional, like the relationship you might have with your accountant or lawyer. Therapists, in fact, emphasize the professional aspect of the relationship and its professional boundaries. But in what other kind of professional relationship do you talk about everything that makes us uniquely human — our emotions, our thoughts, our reactions to others?
In that context, it’s no wonder that sometimes when we’re in therapy, we cross over that imaginary line we’ve drawn in our minds, and talk about a subject we hadn’t meant to bring up. The very situation we’re in draws out such experiences, in fact, actively encourages us to speak about them. Even when we’re not ready to.
The first instinct many people have after they’ve said more than they wanted to in therapy is to try and take it back, to “undo” what was said. A good therapist who is truly listening to you might realize you’ve just made a greater disclosure than you intended, and will help you process why you feel the way you do. You may, for instance, immediately ask to end the session, or give some other sign that something just happened that has made you feel very uncomfortable.
Try to resist the temptation to “take it back.” Instead, think about why you’re feeling so anxious about having it “out there” in your session and having your therapist now know this piece of information. Talk about the anxiety to your therapist and hopefully they will help you work through the anxiety you’re feeling, which may help dissipate it (or at least reduce it).
A second common instinct about overdisclosure is to try and minimize the meaning or weight of what was said. Resist this temptation, too. This is our selves trying to protect our self-esteem and ego, often simply trying to minimize the embarrassment. If you dismiss the importance or meaning of what was said, you may convince your therapist, who will never broach the topic again. While this insulates you from the embarrassment you felt in the short term, in the long term it may hurt your ability to talk about this or related important issues.
Plus, you’ve learned you can “pull one over” on your therapist and have him or her be none the wiser. If you can do it once, you can do it in the future anytime any type of topic comes up that makes you the least bit uncomfortable or anxious to talk about. Psychotherapy is about change, and nearly all change in life involves some anxiety and uncomfortableness. If you’ve discovered a way to prevent that, you may have also discovered a way to successfully sabotage your own therapy.
A third instinct is to grit your teeth and bear it through your current therapy session, and then never go back to your therapist. Some people actually do this. Or they’ll return the following week and never speak of it again. When the therapist brings it up, they’ll dismiss it out-of-hand as though someone else said it, or it happened to someone else.
This is nothing more than running away from the problem. And while it may work in the short term, it’s not the best way to handle an uncomfortable situation long-term. People certainly use it as a coping strategy, but then it means they miss out on anything in life the moment it becomes a little too much for them to take. They simply walk away.
Disclosing too much in therapy can be uncomfortable as heck. But it can also open the door to delving into deeper issues, or things that you just needed to talk about but couldn’t figure out a way of bringing them up. While immediately, you may feel overwhelming feelings of embarrassment or having said too much, usually with a good night’s sleep and talking about the disclosure itself with your therapist, you can move past those initial, automatic negative feelings.
The key to moving beyond too much disclosure in therapy is to stay in therapy and to talk about the disclosure itself with your therapist. Directly and upfront, as soon as possible. Even if it’s not in the same session, maybe you need a week to regroup and find some peace with it. These might sound like impossible, Herculean tasks, but in most cases, doing so will result in a better and healthier therapeutic outcome for you.
31 comments
I never thought about this before. I guess that’s why I’m still in therapy. t
I know this is not related to this posting totally, but I just read about the Parente funerals, the murders-suicide that occurred 8 days ago in Towson, Maryland where the father, who may have been involved in a mini Ponzi scheme (Madoff is now the comparison for magnitude) killed his wife and two daughters, the oldest who was in college in MD, and then himself. I write about this here because, as a provider, what do we do if a patient shares issues about suicide or murder? We try to protect the patient and others at risk to the patient by increasing support and interventions, sometimes by hospitalizing them, or alternatives by encouraging the patient to share the thoughts and get further supports involved.
This incident really disturbs me on so many levels, and the largest being this obscene glorification to make money and have stupid materialism that foolishly infers greater value and standing in the community. Maybe no one could have prevented this tragedy, but can we prevent it from being repeated. HELL YES, I can only hope!!! Maybe the author or associates of this site could find the time to write about these incidents and their experiences or perspectives to encourage readers to think, vent, and be proactive.
Being impovershed, destitute, or ostracized sucks, but when does life and hope finally trump ego and materialism? We better start looking for the answers that resonate in as many as can find the productive and positive endpoints, because I firmly believe in the adage “hear the lie enough and it becomes the truth”, and these incidents going fairly silently unnoticed does this culture no good!!!
Just an opinion, but one from the heart today!
Meta communication or talking about talking can be a helpful way in working through issues that arise in the counseling relationship.
That is talking about the things talk about in counseling.
I didn’t think there was such a thing as disclosing too much in therapy. I thought therapy was the one place you could disclose anything and everything. Part of the reason I went to therapy was to better learn how to be more open. Maybe it isn’t so much whether you actually disclose too much, but rather how you feel about disclosing what you have. It’s getting to know yourself and accepting who you are enough to let someone else see. That’s what therapy does…makes us face ourselves. Interesting article, though.
8 months late, but I would point out that revealing too much means different things to different people.
One person might be embarrassed that they drank too much once at a work party, and proceeded to never go to a work function again
Easily remedied by teaching life skills.
Another person may be shamed by having pedophilic thoughts as an adolescent, and proceeded to both hate themselves and avoid children for the rest of their lives.
The above could happen to either, but one is fairly minor and unimpactful while the other would ruin the person’s life. This is an issue that effects many people with wildly variable effects.
All that said, as a person in therapy, there was an easier way to tell if I had skipped something important. After 20 years I wish I knew what the holdup was- me, the method, the specific therapist, the timing, or a combo of the above.
Thanks for writing – this is a very important post.
@Beth there is such a thing as disclosing too much – not in general as you are right therapy is there to help us disclose and talk about.. well.. everything. However there is a natural pace to each therapy and each therapeutic relationship. There is such a thing as too-much-too-soon.
Some therapists (perhaps those with less experience) are intent on just getting a client to “tell all” without any awareness of the client’s comfort level. A good therapist will be attuned to the client’s needs and pace the therapy accordingly, allowing disclosure to increase as the trust grows in the relationship rather than ripping off the bandaid in one go.
Okay, yes. I understand better now what you meant. My therapy went so smoothly that I was fortunate enough to never experience the “too much too soon” feeling. Disclosing to my therapist was huge progress for me and felt like the safe risk he had encouraged me to take with others. The natural pace was just right. I can understand why telling too quickly could feel awkward. Rapport and attunement seems very important in the therapy relationship and helps the client to move comfortably through the process. This would be another example of that.
Interesting post. When I have a student therapist, I try to start with a 50% rule. If the therapist is talking 50% or more, then who is doing the work? Some therapists try to make the client more comfortble with polite chatter. And some go to personal disclosure to make a point or establish a better relationship. Good therapy is a complex process of communication. It’s always a dance, hopefully the therapist is mostly leading. Take care.
Question…I am just starting therapy. Will have my first session next week. Do I discuss all the parts of my past, or do I stick with just the reason why I am going. I have just been dx as bi-polar and the dr thinks that I am schizo. That is why I am see a therapist. Could you lead me in the right direction on disclosure.
TYVM
You act as if there is no such thing as disclosing too much in therapy. Maybe that’s the case, but I d believe there is a such thing as disclosing too fast. Maybe theoretically this shouldn’t be the case. But in reality it is what happens. I’ve had multiple therapists decide they couldn’t work with me after I disclosed too quickly, scaring them. I believe if I’d said things more slowly it wouldn’t have happened.
I can relate to being anxious in disclosing to my therapist about topics I thought were relevent to my situaion.
He chalked it up to one more solution from my upbringing.
I thought as Beth did in her post of yesterday.
My therapist said it’s okay to be in some denial; that you don’t want to open yourself up totally; otherwise, you’re subject to ridicule, embarrassment, or shame.
Thank you for the topic.
Learning more as I live,
Sara
Opening up and exposing yourself to possible embarrassment and shame has a lot to do with trust, I would think. You’re taking a leap…believing and trusting in yourself as a human being and at the same time discovering a willingness to share your inner pain and struggles with another. It’s being vulnerable and being vulnerable is a letting down of your walls. It’s scary, but it can be very rewarding as well. It opens the door to experiencing more intimacy with another person. My therapy was an ideal and safe place to practice relating with another in this way. But if a client disclosed too much too early before feeling safe then I can imagine how it all could come crashing down on the client. Trust takes time and patience to build. It definitely is a complex dance as someone mentioned earlier. Fascinating in its own way, though.
I have talked about so much but my first big disclosure was last session. I sometimes want to write it all down and just give it to my therapist. I have connected with her and trust her and her approach. Why though, would she need to know when I started talking about abuse? She also mentioned it wouldn’t always be comfortable in session And also if I choose to write it out for her, I still need to talk about itso I decided to journal once or twice a week to try and help me prepare myself mentally for the next session.
I totally agree with Therapy First’s post. Very well written.
I’ve seen therapists (for 3 years) for anxiety disorder, depression and chronic pain (from RSD). It was helpful to get new tools to combat my anxiety, and to learn my depression from my 5+ yrs of chronic pain was expected. What’s the most frustrating for me is when you’re loved ones say “it’s not that bad….you don’t look that bad…. etc” If you had seering, burning, disabling pain 24/7 for years, wouldn’t you be depressed??? Just my 2 cents.
My therapist knows more about me than anyone else on the planet, and I’ve only been seeing him since February. That includes things like drug use, stealing stuff as a kid and deep sexual issues.
My husband is next in line for my total disclosure, but I have always been a very open person, sometimes that is an issue as I expect people to be the same way with me, but when they withhold or are deceitful, I get hurt.
I am lucky that my therapist is actually world-renowned and can handle anything and everything I throw at him, with 35 years experience in many different fields of psychology. I trust him implicitly and he is ethically bound to keep my ‘stuff’ to himself.
I don’t believe there is such a thing as too much disclosure. Why be embarrassed? Your therapist is there to help you, and if you don’t disclose pertinent aspects of your issues, you are sabotaging your therapy.
If they can’t handle it, find another. Quickly.
@ Debbie
Great question for your therapist. Perhaps she can help you distinguish what is most appropriate for the task of providing a bio-psycho-social history (a common task for the initial session(s).
Good post. I wish I’d had a some prep before my early experiences with therapists. Other than for the obvious professional ethics, it sometimes felt as if there were unwritten secret rules of engagement (like learning to tango)
that the patient had to learn “on the job.” So – I would like you to consider a related topic: when and how to speak up to the therapist when you are uncomfortable – rather than shutting down or leaving.
E.g. on two occasions, w/different therapists, different styles, – the therapist reacted visibly to something I said, started to say something but stopped themselves — leaving me wondering what he was thinking (“really” thinking) but back then, I didn’t have the presence of mind or assertiveness to just ask. Which meant -we were on different pages. I was hung up on why he withheld a comment(hey, I was dealing with self esteem and assertiveness issues!)and he had moved to another topic, oblivious to my reaction to his response. ( Can no longer remember the issues at hand, just the discomfort)
I am one of those folks who felt like I disclosed too much with my therapist. I didn’t really feel a connection with us at first. Then I got more comfortable and started opening up with some indepth information I had never told anyone. I ended up leaving there in tears and feeling like my therapist was not sympathetic at all. How did it make me feel? Like I should not have told her so much. I went back a time or two but then didn’t go back.
I tried seeing a different therapist but she had a problem being on time for my appointments. Even the first one! She was 10-15 min late and apologized with some lame excuse of being on the phone with her friend’s hubby who was having a difficult time. I was her first appt. at 11:00 in the morning. How could she not get there on time?
She had some very lame excuses for always being late. I told her I felt if ‘I’ could be there on time, I thought she’d have the respect enough to be on time, too. She kind of got a little attitude but was glad I told her. She did nothing for me – just idle chit chat and clock watching.
I ended up quitting therapy with her and gave up on seeking another one.
Another consideration can be disclosing ‘too much too soon’ in the sense that it can be unhelpful to focus on trauma (for example) before appropriate coping strategies are in place. Or sometimes it can be unhelpful to disclose deeply intimate things that one feels very vulnerable about until the working relationship has developed to the point such that the therapist is likely to see what kind of response is needed and / or the relationship can withstand a possible breakdown.
Finding this post, is perfect timing for me. Have been seeing my therapist for always a year. Yesterday, I decided to disclose that the therapeutic “relationship” was important to me, that maybe he was trustworthy. By the end of the session, I couldnt get out fast enough. I feel like I never want to go back. There was no negative reaction on his part, just my own. Trying to be reasonable about it. It is interesting to watch my reaction to this whole thing.
Takes for the great post
gawd….almost a year
I am one of those that felt like I disclosed entirely too much in therapy and have not gone back. In many ways I regret this decision, but I don’t have enough trust in anyone to disclose or share the things that have happened. I was abused for many years as a child and never told anyone. Until now, 30 yrs later. This wasn’t even the reason that I went to therapy, but something that “slipped” and something that I am not willing to discuss.
My therapist was very insightful and really listened to what I said or didn’t say. The times when I just couldn’t speak, I guess she used my body language to give me feedback. She “guessed” at some things and was always spot on with this. I really liked her and felt like we clicked, but in the end, the entire process was too frightening and made me feel too vulnerable to continue. Kudos to those of you courageous enough to deal with your demons!
One therapist asked me to sign the form for her to talk to my pdoc (have bipolar 1) & I thought about it & said I wasn’t comfortable w/that. It had been after about 5 sessions. She asked me if I tell my pdoc things that I wouldn’t tell her & I said, “Yes.”
I realized I didn’t trust this therapist to understand if I spoke of suicide that it is actually so common for me to feel suicidal (at that time) that is was almost “normal.” My pdoc understands when I am having thoughts of suicide & can determine if I am going to act. In other words, she doesn’t freak out & let’s me talk about what I am thinking about honestly.
I didn’t think this therapist would be able to do that. I was afraid if I told her of my suicidal thoughts she would haul me off to the hospital or over-react. I did end the relationship w/that therapist & since have found a wonderful therapist who is the same one that leads my DBT group.
In my experience, and after having spent much time on the Internet, and in all types of different settings, I have come to realize the following:
That the most squeamish of all people in handling personal disclosure about thoughts, feelings, opinions, and states of being, are THERAPISTS. (also the most judgmental, uncomfortable, and least able and willing to relate, with the least empathy, and/or willingness to get ‘close’)
I therefore really appreciate Dr. John Grohol’s admitting to the fact that the therapeutic relationship is one that is really ‘artificial’, and unnatural, and really ‘not real’. (he does not say it in all these words, but it sure comes down to it in the end.)
Yes, a patient is at risk of disclosing too much, especially in the beginning, for his/her own good. (i.e. quite frequently a patient like that will not return for a second session.)
But also a therapist not too seldomly, that is, has problems with a patient’s disclosure in that they, the therapist, cannot handle it. (and each and everyone may have their own, and different areas that they cannot handle.)
I also have my doubts about therapists who are one person ‘in session’, and a totally different person ‘outside of session’.
Then there is a whole other and different area of concern, and which I will only briefly refer to. I fully believe that a patient should have the right to change his/her mind, and that includes taking back something they said, and that this is certainly not always a matter of denying a truth that they are not ready to deal with.
Sometimes, and usually with the silent, and/or not so silent, and/or either explicit/implicit help of the therapist, the patient who is not even overly suggestible, will say something that he/she recognizes later as not having been true, and also often accompanied by a sense of ‘horror.’
A therapist needs to understand this, and…..also check out their own motivations.
This happened to me yesterday. I have a terrible time opening up and yesterday, I read something to my therapist that I almost immediately regretted. I wanted to take it back, to run away, to disappear. It isn’t as if I don’t trust her, its that I don’t trust myself, I think. I felt way too vulnerable and raw afterwards. It isn’t going to stop me from going back again or even from discussing it again but it may be some time before I’m ready for that level of openness again.
I’m going into my 3rd session. I’ve disclosed a lot more than I thought I could. I think its because I do trust her, and she asks questions and is professional and experienced enough to know how to help me give information. I do feel vulnerable but I know by not going back I will regret it. If she didn’t ask me those direct questions or be right on when I try to beat around the bush, I would not be able to trust and feel comfortable. If only I had her when I was a teen instead of having to go through several therapists where I felt like it was going around in circles. She is the best thing that has happened to me and I know it is a safe place.
But I do understand for some people it’s too difficult for them.
Yesterday, after working on some childhood issues in my therapy appointment (that are really hard for me to discuss / accept as ‘real’ and I’m only just beginning to be able to address), later I left a voicemail for my therapist, disclosing something that is really shame filled from childhood and that I have never told another person, but that I think contributes to some significant patterns in my way of being now. I know therapeutic content is better left for session time (not voicemail) but I knew this was the only way I would be able to share the information and that, once out, then I would be committed to face it and work on it in session.
Right afterwards I regretted it intensely, and felt I should not have shared it, hardly slept and a lot of intense shame and anxiety has been on board since then. Therapist hasn’t returned any calls (yet). I have cancelled my next appointment, as I am mortified that I disclosed such sensitive information, especially in a voicemail. I don’t know how I will face my therapist again. This is despite the fact I have been working with her for 1.5 years and there is a lot of trust in the working relationship and I do tend to push my edges in therapy anyway.
So, you can over-share… it seems…
Hopefully though it won’t lead to a total breakdown of the therapeutic relationship??? Hopefully eventually the anxiety and shame will lessen? Won’t a good therapist know how to manage such things?
This article reinforced my thoughts concerning disclosure. I went thru some counseling awhile back and there were times where I would get to that point of feeling “did I just really say that” and would be transfixed thinking about why I said things the way I said them. Upon reflection it would help me realize/uncover deeper feelings that were uncomfortable to disclose to myself because they were not consistent with my romanticized view of things. I too understand the bit about saving face for the ego. I have since realized that I need to be globally honest with my feelings and embrace the uncomfyness in whatever manifested feeling that may be. To be okay knowing that it is okay to be sad, anxious, frustrated, disappointed, and having a conducive environment to disclose that in with another person meant the world to me. I have since tried to understand the importance of such a conducive environment for such disclosure and the importance of compassion for myself and others. Conducive environments beyond the therapists office are important. Compassion.
I had been in quite a long therapy which ended with the therapist deciding to change her practice. I was referred to another therapist who was terrible and I left that situation as quickly as possible. At that point, I decided to stay out of therapy as long as I felt I could.
Finally, I began to have a lot of problems with close relationships and began to feel very angry. I decided to seek a therapist who I could bond with and called a local counseling center. The therapist that I was referred to has turned out to be excellent, although I have a lot of trouble trusting him, but I have considered that to be part of my process.
My point in writing is that I had a lot of pent-up emotional “baggage” and when I began seeing my current therapist, a lot just came tumbling out. It would probably be seen as over-sharing or over- disclosing when viewed objectively. For me, however, it was a very needed tension relief. I did talk about very difficult events in my life, probably sooner than I may have and sooner than was comfortable. I journalled about them before I could speak about them and ended up having to read from the journals to my therapist. But it all got said and the topics put on the table so that we can refer to them without a lot of hesitancy. I knew that shame had a large influence in my life and I had decided that I was no longer going to allow that. It has been a great decision, although very difficult to implement. I have no problem saying anything that needs to be said and when we find a situation of transference where I feel very angry with the therapist, I am able to express those feelings without difficulty. Knowing where those feelings come from helps me to express them appropriately.
I think many of those skills came from finding my voice in disclosure.