Have you ever noticed that when something bad happens to you or to someone close to you in your life (like a son or daughter, or a parent), some friends might offer help, while others disappear? This seemingly becomes more the case as we get older.
I was reading this interesting essay in The New York Times today and stumbled upon an explanation for this behavior — the guy quoted in the article called it “stiff arming” or “pseudo-care.” A friend offers help to you in your time of need, but then disappears.
Why do people do this? Are they afraid bad luck is “catching”?
The author of this essay describes how both her daughters suffered serious health problems in the same year — one from a rare disease, and the other from anorexia. Then she noticed that some of her long-time friends seemingly disappeared for nearly the entire year, coinciding with her daughters’ health problems.
The friends who had disappeared had daughters exactly the same age as ours.
[Dr. Jackson Rainer, a professor of psychology at Georgia Southern University] describes this kind of distancing as “stiff-arming” — creating as much space as possible from the possibility of trauma. It’s magical thinking in the service of denial: If bad things are happening to you and I stay away from you, then I’ll be safe.
Such people often wind up offering what Dr. Rainer calls pseudo-care, asking vaguely if there’s anything they can do but never following up. Or they might say they’re praying for the family in crisis, a response he dismisses as ineffectual at best. “A more compassionate response,” he said, “is ‘I am praying for myself to have the courage to help you.’ ”
True empathy inspires what sociologists call instrumental aid. “There are any number of tasks to be done, and they’re as personal as your thumbprint,” Dr. Rainer said.
If you really want to help a family in crisis, offer to do something specific: drive the carpool, weed the garden, bring a meal, do the laundry, go for a walk.
The author of the essay, Harriet Brown, also notes that, “The more vulnerable people feel, the harder it may be to connect.”
Indeed, I suspect this reaction comes down more to an individual’s sense of vulnerability and security in the world. Some people are simply not comfortable around other people’s adversity. It’s the same kind of feeling many of us have while visiting someone in the hospital — What do you say? How can you help? You feel awkward and out of place.
Even though it is indeed “magical thinking” to believe that distancing oneself from others’ trauma will somehow make us more safe, it’s one that we irrational human beings can’t help from engaging in.
But the solutions suggested are a good way to help combat the thinking in others. Ask your friends to help out with specific things — the more specific the better. This may not stop others from their distancing behavior, but it has a good chance of making yourself feel less isolated. It also makes them feel like they’re doing something that is actually helping you, which is an empowering feeling.
If you’re on the other side of the coin and find that you’re isolating yourself from a friend who has had some crisis in their life, reach out to them. Ask them for specific things you might do to help. It may be just the boost they’re looking for to lighten their day.
Read the full article: Coping With Crises Close to Someone Else’s Heart.
42 comments
This is a good argument as to why you turn to a therapist for help and not your friends – they simply aren’t trained, although they sometimes may be willing to help – but often it is for a long haul and even friends have a life to live and can’t be expected to shoulder another person’s “stuff”.
In my experience the heart is stronger than the mind. To reply to Sheila’s comment- “That’s why it is better to turn to a therapist than a friend, they simply aren’t trained”- I don’t think a true friend needs to be trained to be one. Adversity is a growth opportunity for anyone that encounters it with the right attitude- even the gun-shy friend who stands to gain some strength through their friends’ adversity, believe it or not. Yes, let therapists be involved where needed, but do not make them the substitute for grappling with uncomfortable feelings just because you don’t know what to do for a friend in need. Simply ask them. It’s all anyone can do anyway…
Sheila, obviously you are the fair-weathered friend, and this article struck a nerve. Everyone gets his chance at adversity, and may you get what you gave to others when your turn at misery comes.
I think it unfair to seem to know Sheila and her motives. She may have been burned herself. It is a selfish, mean reply and that has been noted.
I think your ideal is lovely, and maybe a reflection of what you need. Are you sure you’d stand by a friend in need when the time comes? If you do then you are a 1 in a million. I used to be an extremely popular person, till the shit hit the fan. I now stand alone in the world. I think Winnie the poo was full of shit.
Going to a therapist is a *supplement* to having good friends and support networks. There really is no excuse for a friend to dump you when you are going through a rough time. Friendship isn’t about being their when it suits you. That would make the word meaningless. I think it is a social pathology to think that therapists should take on the role of friends.
My “fair-weather” friends (and I use the term reservedly) not only disappear during adversity, they somehow do the reverse when the shoe is on the other foot. I’ve decided I’ve given too much and gotten too little in return to waste on this type of “friend” the only thing of value I have — or than anyone has, really — my time.
It was perhaps your mistake to give with the expectation of getting back. Never expect returns and you will never be disappointed. Don’t let that stop you though. Giving is wonderful.
Not all friends will be there for you, and for their own reasons. Maybe they dont know what to say. I lost my son in a tragic car accident. More friends of mine reached out to me, and my sons friends. I was overwhelmed. I dont know anyone who has experienced that kind of grief. It doesn’t have to be a therapist, although it’s not a bad idea to find answers your looking for. Since my sons death, I still love my friends. But understanding how their all different. Most I have known for more than 50 years. They all touched me in one way or another. Yet, I haven’t heard from anyone since. Maybe occasionally.
So rather than condemning those who aren’t all that supportive, still love them, their your friends, and only human. Don’t expect more than what they can give. This is your personal crisis not theirs. Just learn to accept what you can’t change.
Every week I’ll give to someone on the street maybe 5 or 10 bucks. Do I expect anything in return? Err…no because I never see most of them again and I don’t believe in karma or any religion.
But friends are not strangers. You *should* expect a certain level of behaviour from friends. Not a lot. just a short phone call or even text message. In my experience most of my friends go dark when I’m going thru a rough patch. Not so much as a text. As I get older I’m understanding that people rationalise their way out of friendship commitments. They will say things like “you’re not the only one with problems” etc. Well of course not!! But not even a hello? That’s savage.
Sheila’s remark is all to typical of someone who has likely had little exposure to the reality of the suffering inherent in life.
Friends are actually those who are willing and able to empathize. A true friend knows what it feels like to go through hard times and can remember being isolated from others as if grief or troubles were catching. No one can shoulder another person’s stuff. We all have the choice to open our hearts, extend ourselves and show up for each other with compassionate witnessing. Or like Sheila simply contract, go numb and pretend we won’t ever be in their shoes.
The choice to extend nothing at all is only a temporary avoidance. Sooner or later everyone will find sorrows/troubles landing in their lap.
Therapists are helpful, but true friends are those who help us heal our wounded hearts with loving kindness. A true friend can hold a space of hope and future happiness when we are temporarily unable. Friends who truly care about us help us to expand our heart to include every aspect of life with unconditional compassionate awareness.
One of the biggest surprises in life is finding out who your friends truly are(or NOT), by experiencing their contracted or closed down conditional responses. Our culture does little to prepare us for how to effectively show up for others who suffer. Those who have been there know that even the smallest kindness are appreciated beyond words.
Therapists were never intended to replace the collective will to find the emotional courage to face hardship without contracting. Therapists help those who engage in the distancing, numbing, and compartmentalizing and thus losing a bit of authentic soul. Friends keep us in touch with our authentic soul by the very nature of being fully received and witnessed without fear.
Dear Sheila, may you find a true friend one day when you need a compassionate witness. May you never feel the isolation so many experience during trouble and sorrow. The time will come, without doubt, when it becomes all too clear…
Those who take on this challenge find that they gain far more than they could possibly have expected. All universal wisdom traditions teach this truth.
Strange but you seem to feel psychic as well as Kathy. I think it unfair to seem to know Sheila and her motives. She may have been burned herself. It is a selfish, mean reply and that has been noted.
Your standard reply for responses that don’t suit you. It was not a mean post but very accurate and spot on, true, compassionate and loving.
Sheila’s post was mean, and it has been noted.
My own experience has been with both types of help after a crisis. I had severe pre-Eclampsia, post partum depression and anxiety pretty bad after giving birth. My usual friends-many disappeared. Many were childless and they went away because they just did not like kids or babies. What I found was the more I reached out in desperation the more I got back eventually. I got new friends and new people who were real who wanted to help. Now as I am older I have people who in a crisis really do make meals and ask and mean it when I need help and I do the same for them.
Wow must be nice to have that kind of support.I have a friend im very close with. We understand each other on a deep spiritual level. I consider her the best friend I’ve ever had. She experienced a lot of abuse in childhood. She’s very co-dependent. She has many unhealthy abuse relationships. She comes around to hang out. We have a wonderful time. Anytime she has a crises im there for her. Im the only who came to the hospital when she had double pneumonia. Right now I sit with a broken leg and 2 small children by myself. She offered to help (i didnt ask for it) and I haven’t heard from her in six days.I dont know how to not take this personally. Im trying the point is no matter how much I love her,im not going to be abandoned during a crises again for this is the second time. Yet she does not set boundaries for the degenerate scumbags she allows to use her. If someone chooses abuse over love and is a fair weather friend. Time to get friends with self worth. So you’re not up **** crick without a paddle.
That’s very inspiring! In this modern society forget that being a member of society requires some sacrifice. Eg I know you don’t need to give the homeless starving man in the corner of the street any help, but you do anyway. Modern social institutions are not supposed to take proper human relationships away, it’s meant to supplement them. Going to a therapist but not expecting help from friends is like driving a car without a seatbelt because the airbag will save your life. I know not everybody needs he same amount of support from friends. For me, a simple 30 second phone call will bright up my days for a month. But most of my friends don’t even manage that….we need to learn to be human again
Hi, Annapurna
I have had more than my fair share of difficult times. I would never think to burden my friends with the truth about the tragedy that has been my life for the past 20+ years. Most people don’t have the capacity to deal with the crap I’ve been through – nor should they be expected to. I lend my ear to people quite often and it is through my experience that I can often give some sound, useable advice – however, I have yet to come across the friend who has survived what I have – I am also guarded about my mental health and don’t share it with many people – I’ve made that mistake before too.
I have had good friends in my life, really good friends and as soon as I let my guard down, trust them completely then they up and move out of my life, out of the country sometimes and there I am left holding my heavy heart – who do I turn to now? A therapist is a good place to start.
I am glad for you that you have that kind of trust in friendship – it hasn’t always worked out for me and people who do know me find me to be a very compassionate person – I’m compassionate because I’ve been there – too many times.
Take care
Ohhh. 🙁
I wish you well 🙂
I would like us all to learn how to ask for help in our time of need, I believe that is what family is for and that should be what our friendships are about. We should never feel we can’t turn to those closest to us for comfort and for specific help. People want to help but don’t often know how, so having the ability to be specific helps us through any situation.
Very nice, JoAnne !
Being specific about what kind of help I would like to receive.
I would love to learn how to ask for help.
Those who will not be able to, maybe they could offer another kind of help…
Those who will disappear or abuse instead, shall leave my life.
The freinds that disappear – if only they knew the impact of their appearance of lack of empathy and their not being there had on the one going thru the crisis, maybe they wouldn’t disappear so fast. This happened to me in a BIG way when I lost my brother, Mom and Dad all in one year. So when my friends disappeared too, I felt so abandoned and alone. It really hurt.
After my husband’s cancer, horrific case mismanagement and long coma, my best friend of nearly 40 years took time off from work to fly out to visit us and end our friendship. My husband was resting at home, and we were relieved and getting back to normal. Having a houseguest was extremely inconvenient, but we appreciated any attention, and welcomed her.
Instinctively, I knew she had a problem with my husband’s illness, and that it had something to do with her childhood sexual abuse. She had spent 40 years that I knew of pretending that everything was wonderful by being an extremely controlling person. A smiling, laughing, hilarious person who always needed an extraordinary amount of control in every situation. Since so many women are controlling, her behavior all those years didn’t bother me.
However, she couldn’t control this situation, and even though she marketed her trip as a loving and concerned visit to a friend, I instictively knew she was going to give me the boot. She couldn’t control or ignore my husband’s long convalesence, so there was only one way for her to go. She just couldn’t handle a situation she couldn’t control. She had to sever ties.
She did it in person so she could feel good about herself having done the civil thing.
However,she never spoke of his illness, and instead berated me for “being stuck” in this situation. She covered the same ground again and again, bringing up how ashamed my mother would be of me for being a caregiver, and how worn my clothes were. She cried for three days, but never said what was on her mind. My clothes? I don’t think so. Finally, when she got into her rental car and drove away, I said to my husband, “We’ll never see her again, thank God.”
And we never did.
Good grief! Good riddance alright….
This subject fascinates me due to my own experiences. Although I had dear friends for 30 plus years, those who knew the grit of my life from teenage years, when I wrote telling them of my worsening health condition, I never heard a peep out them. My sister the day of my emergency heart surgery left the country without so much as a postcard or phone call. Though we had our difficulties through the years even for her this was cold. I have struggled with this heredity form of heart disease for 2 years now and not one inquiry from her. I know she has received my letters that the doctors urged me to write.
On the flip side, I have had mere aquaintences help me with their work, with their own meager resources at a breaking point they gave me gas money and a boss who was so supported and helpful when I had to finally leave my work that I still view him as supernatural. None of these people would I have expected to do anything, much less everything for me.
I have gotten through this difficult time with 2 amazing sons and the many friends I call my family. One friend, whose house I am currently taking care of, has taken me in after my four different heart procedures. She has her own family to take care and yet she acts like it is a priviledge that I stay. My sister is 2 1/2 hours away and even if she knew where I was, she wouldn’t give me the time of day much less any financial help; she is a millionaire by the way. Our mother went through this and died when I was 13 so I chalk my sister’s reaction to that it is too painful for her to go through again. Whatever her reason, little does she know I will be there for her if the same (or worse) happens to her.Despite the fact both our parents died when we were young, and we survived many abusive situations and our only brother who committs suicide a few years ago, after a serious brain injury, none of this brought us together but tore us apart. Go figure the human emotional mind, I can’t.
Very nice blog post. Thanks, Dr. Grohol. Asking for help when we’re in trouble — for help with specific tasks, or just for an ear to bend — can be difficult, but can make the difference between enduring challenging times alone or with much-needed support. Indeed, it can make the difference between getting stuck and getting through it.
I think a lot of times people don’t know what to do when their friend is in crisis. Unless they’ve faced the same or a very similar situation, they don’t know how they can help or at least not make things worse. This is especially true when it comes to mental health problems. Most people don’t know how to help a severely depressed friend and don’t want to make them worse.
No, but they sure expect others to come to their side when THEY face a major trial/situation in life. It all boils down to selfishness. I have a “friend” of 25 years- we are prayer partners and I have been there for her in all the trauma’s of her life. We have prayed endlessly about all her problems over the years, divorce, kid problems, new love has ALS…but now that my husband has been diagnosed with cancer I have not heard a peep from her. Do you think she would call me and say ” hey lets pray about this, or how are you doing ? ” NO. Not one phone call ! I am really shocked. She is the ONE person I thought would be supportive-just a phone call, I’m not asking to be babied or hovered over. But nothing ! But she sure calls everyone when she needs help packing when she moves or goes away and needs someone to watch her cats and her house ! SELFISH and SELF ABSORBED.
Lynn,
That is so true, that is why I feel seeking professional help – especially with mental illness – is the better option if it is available. Friends, unless they have personal experience really can be at a loss for what to do to help. We trust our friends opinions and sometimes, in that trust, they may say something that we take to heart, but may not be true. When you are suffering from a mental illness this can be quite harmful. And then there are the times when we look to friends for help and they may be dealing with their own crisis – who knows? We all have our issues, trials and stories.
In life we all have problems, and friendship is a two-way street that allows us to express those problems, as well as listen and support others. However, it seems that in some cases there is that one friend that forgets that friendship is a two way street, and before you know it, the only problems of any relevance are theirs. Their constant cries for help just wear a person down. Maybe it’s not a disappearing act, but simply “friend erosion”. I have a person in my life who only seems to take from me to meet their needs. So on top of my own problems, I am also required to be emotionall invested in this person’s problems. Over the years, it has just worn me down to the point where I literally have NOTHING left to give. I have NOTHING left to offer. And by ignoring and not having my own needs met have resulted in me needing to cut ties before my own sanity is lost. Before getting angry or hurt by you “disappearing” friend, take a moment to think about your relationship of the past 5, 10, 15 years and ask yourself (honestly) have I eroded away their ability to be there for me. Have I take too much and given too little?
Martha,
maybe there are times in our life when we are required to help others, knowing that we probably won´t get anything in return. That is, the person´s personal circumstances are such that they don´t allow them to give, as they have nothing to give you in return but gratitude. Being emotionally involved in other people´s problems shows that you have a big heart and you are willing to help. If you can´t do it, you just can´t, and this is you.
Nobody is going to judge you but here you lost a friend. Whether it´s easier for you to carry on as if nothing happened it´s up to you.
You just got rid of something you didn´t need in your life.
I had a so-called friend who used me,stole from me, and would not help me or lend me things when I needed them .she expected me to give her everything she wanted. She just pretended to like me so I would help her. I got rid of her about 5 years ago and she calls me only on her birthday. I do not respond at all .
You’re right, there is such a thing as giving too much and getting too little in return. That’s the case for many people, sadly. But that doesn’t mean healthy reciprocal friendships can’t work. They have to, if they don’t, then it was never really friendship to begin with. I’m still relatively young so most of my friends haven’t been through any significant trauma or loss in their lives yet. That may be a limiting factor in emotional maturity. But I still find it hard to believe that most of my circle couldn’t even send a text saying how are you in a crisis. I’ve spilled my beans but I’ve asked for absolutely nothing from them, but not even an SMS or an IM from them while I near my operation day is depressing. And all those years we spent together, all the time I spent thinking up birthday gifts, all the times I’ve helped them , does it really mean less than a simple phone call? If I survive this operation then new friends are in order.
I have to agree with Martha and Sheila. Certain problems are meant for healthcare professionals only- not your friends. If you are making it a “job” for your friends to be your shoulder or your crutch then you should expect them to disappear when they can not fill that roll. Having a mental or physical illness does not make your problems more significant than those around you. People who find themselves with a “disappearing friend” should examine their past and see how many friends may have “disappeared” over the years. How many friends have distanced themselves from you? How many friends have stopped asking about your health and well-being? How many friends have cut you out of certain parts of their personal lives? Maybe your friends are “disappearing” because you are making your problems more important than theirs. Everyone suffers from problems/stress/anxiety in their lives, but it is hard to deal with someone when that becomes their main focus and their problems always overshadow yours.
I agree with Annapurna. Sheilas first post made her seem discompassionate but after reading the second post it seems that you formed your opinion based upon your own expectations. In my opinion you do not require enough from your friends but your post is really too vague in detail for me to comment any further.
Martha,
It seems that if you are that overwhelmed with a friend that you yourself become a burden to them when they are in need of help maybe you should seek a therapist. You may be suffering from stress, anxiety, or depression if you are getting so frazzled from the friendship. If it is causing you a physical condition just to maintain a friendship then maybe you should tell the friend that it isn’t them, that it is you and you can’t handle stress. It is tough for a person in crisis to be put down for their circumstances. At least an explanation may justify your reaction. Just a thought.
Friendship is a two way street but psuedo-care is unacceptable. I have often found myself in crisis situations giving my time, gifts, care, help to others and it is never given to me. The same people offer psuedo care and snicker and talk behing my back. This has included family and friends. I lost all but one friend and an old friend from the past who is now present, going through a similar crisis. I have also been there for her in every way possible. I think she is there because she is in the same shoes and can relate. My Aunt and Mother constantly belittle me to my face and behind my back but yet offer no help. They have always been this way though.
Therapy is great but it has nothing to do with frienship. I like the quote by Ghandi ” Be the change in the world that you want to see” I have found true compassion through the trials in my life and I will always be there for others the way I wish they would be for me. Two wrongs don’t make a right and if I didn’t show them that kindness that would make me bitter and ignorant. Who needs enemies with friends like that?
What an interesting article. I have experienced both sides…feeling isolated in a crisis and being the friend that disappeared. The thing is I appear strong and like I don’t need anyone in the middle of a difficult time but long for friends that will see right through that and come and rescue me. On the other end I’ve disappeared at times when some friends went through because I wanted them to be strong and get through it….like me I guess. It’s amazing how I treat others the way I treat myself. What’s the point of having friends if you’re not completely honest and open.
Here’s the thing, hate to sound blunt but when it comes to friends and family in need, much of the time I am busy with my own chaotic life. I’m 23, single, in college and suffer from severe depression and insomnia. I got enough stress on my hands! I know that selfish but that’s life. People don’t make time for other people’s pain and problems in the real world- they are busy with their own. Plain and simple.
that’s just not true. I also suffer from severe depression ever since i was a teenager and now I have severe physical health issues needing an operationZ But I still find the time to make sure the friends that are doing it tough get several messages from me each week. We also agreed to do regular meet ups. It takes effort and organisation and most of all comittment, but that is the package real friendship comes in
The worst is being abandoned by family – in addition to friends. I went through a really rough time and a lot of friends vanished. That was hurtful enough. But to have family show no empathy and even distance themselves, that really hurt my feelings. We all know i’m a strong person, even if I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but to have simply asked if I was OK would have meant the world to me. That token gesture of kindness would have given me the hope and encouragement I so desperately needed when all seemed lost. It has forever altered my perception of familial relationships.
A therapists role is very limited. He or she can give you coping strategies but friends and family are most appropriate for emotional support. You don’t need to spend all day with a friend. No one expects that, not even from a best friend. All I ever expected from a friend was a text message that says “how are you doing”? How is your condition? That’s all. A single text message. But from most of my friends, even though I reached out for help, couldn’t even muster a 20 cent SMS. That’s not friendship at all. As we get older we realise time is sparse. You need to choose your friends more wisely and it’s best to split with those who dissapear at the first sign of trouble. Imagine in times before therapists existed … people helped each other out, even in small ways. You can’t expect money and a therapist to solve your problems. A friend should at least give a yell or say hi when the going gets tough. That’s really not asking for much. I think anything less is selfish.
LOL, I just went through this over a period of about 16 months. I was in the middle of a divorce when I lost my job just before Christmas 2015. My elderly mom fell ill exactly two weeks later on Christmas day and died 4 months later in April 2016 of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. About a month before that, in mid March, one of my sisters committed suicide.
I’m a fairly tough guy and I just absorbed each event as it happened and kept plowing forward through the medical stuff, the two funerals, and both estates, all while looking for a job. There was no one else to do it within the family. But what really shocked me was the behavior of my “friends”. All but three of them vaporized. No phone calls, no emails, no texts. No cards or flowers regarding the funerals. I reached out 7 or 8 times to the entire group because I was handling all of it myself and it would have been really nice to have someone to talk to even if it was a conversation about sports and weather. But none of them could ever find the time to grab a drink or a cup of coffee. The excuses were alternately lame and hilarious. So I gave up. I never saw or spoke to any of them again.
I never saw that behavior coming from my “friends”. And that was pretty much the last straw for me with everything else I had going on.
Here’s my non-professional evaluation of the experience. The vast majority of people suck. We are born alone and we all make this journey from womb to tomb alone as sentient creatures trapped inside our individual bodies, desperately trying to connect with others like us but, ultimately failing. It seldom happens. Most people lack the capacity to care for anyone but themselves. Love and friendship are just lies we choose to believe to hold back the emptiness until we eventually cease to exist.
So, I no longer look at people as “friends”. I look at women as a chance to get laid. I look at guys as a chance to have some fun doing stuff I like to do. But I don’t get emotionally invested in people now. I don’t help them out at work, or fix their cars, or help them remodel a kitchen, or even listen to their whining and offer advice. If they need help, I lie my way out of it and move on to the next one. I gave up on years of being the good guy and became one of the herd. The truth is sad but also liberating once you simply stop caring.
“We are born alone and we all make this journey from womb to tomb alone as sentient creatures trapped inside our individual bodies, desperately trying to connect with others like us but, ultimately failing. It seldom happens. Most people lack the capacity to care for anyone but themselves. Love and friendship are just lies we choose to believe to hold back the emptiness until we eventually cease to exist.”
These are beautifully profound, yet astoundingly dark words. You speak as someone who has lost the capacity to love and care. But that can’t be right; if you didn’t care, your words wouldn’t contain such inadvertent hope. I choose to see you as someone suffering a deep wound, who will, when touched in that wounded spot, wince and lash out. Those who open themselves the most are likely to be wounded the deepest.
You said so yourself, “it seldom happens.” You didn’t say, “it never happens.” All humans have the capacity to learn and to heal and to love. Once you decide to stop doing that, you’ve already died, alone.
My body carries the sickness of the non-helpful friends and society: severe PTSD,
I never knew how to ask for help in my life. I was the achiever, the doer.
I did very well. I had plenty of “friends”, success, future in front of me.
Then some bad things happened.
I asked for help. Therapist, doctors, friends, teachers….
I asked the wrong people. I got into abusive therapist, therapist that do not understand PTSD, I was harmed even more.
Not sure why this all happened.
Those who might have been able to help me, did not care that much.
I was told to be “too kind and too nice” …and thus ending as the last one to be “helped”, the one to be granted.
I know that I must have been recreating many narcissistic, egoistic relationships.
There is a saying that 1/3 of people might hate us.
1/3 don´care.
1/3 are interested, the potential good friends (and among those, many are not able to stay around in the times of adversities anyway -death, serious sickness etc).
Some people, friends had the capacity to help me in order not to get that deep into the PTSD, but they did not care. They vanished.
Sadly. PTSD is a sickness of not getting any help (by society, friends). I do understand that some friends are not capable, not attuned, some are jerks… However, sometimes one needs help from others.
One will learn who is a friend when one is in need. My need was too big, my “friends” were only weather friends.
I don´t believe that any abuse in the family correlates to no friendly or helping people (peers), even the society.
Friends are important. The collective will. A category for itself.
Esp. when things are tough.
Some people have no tough life. Good for them. They don´t need these good friends. Weather friends are ok.
Maybe they have also lots of money and capacities to find a good, good therapist.
Today,I would have been very clear on to ask for help.
To save myself.
To help people to help me.
However, it is a cycle: I would have to be already very capable of knowing myself (help from a therapist) and courageous, having been processed lots of of the traumatic events that has not been helped.
I already must be very capable to help myself in order to ask for help.
It is truly tough.
Then, having at least some therapist or professional is life saving.
But, only then, when friends (or the ability to find helping friends sucked). Never as of replacement for friendships.
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